Below is a selection of e-mails which Luis has sent to me during the last two years. He has asked me to publish them so that others can know something of what it is like to have OCD in a developing country and to struggle alone without help or support of any kind

Dear Christine,

My name is Luis Leonel López and I'm living in Montevideo, Uruguay (a small country between Argentina and Brazil, in South America).

Thank you very much for your great page about our enemy OCD!

I'm suffering from Pure-O I'm fighting with everyday of my life.

I'm trying on my own with Exposure and Response Prevention because medication failed with awful side-effects.

Because I'm a student of Mathematics and I like books, I read books, and that's my problem. I suffer from obsessions with my books! I have fears to damage them! Do you have heard something so strange before?

I hope you have some time to reply this message.

Have a nice day.

Luis Leonel López
Montevideo
URUGUAY

01 12 05

Dear Christine,

Thank you very much for your prompt and rewarding reply!

I continue to visit your website and consider it very friendly and beautiful.

Like you I am a suffer of depression and social anxiety. This social anxiety is severe in my case. I'm considering to take theatrical courses. However, my limited financial resources aren't helping me. Theatrical courses are, in general, expensive.

Tonight I was reading your page A day in the life of an OCDer and I'd like to give you some suggestions:

You, like most OCDers, have fears of contamination. Fortunately I don't have these fears. Please try to apply E&RP. Take a risk! Don't wash your hands before preparing your breakfast and don't wash your cereal bowl and cutlery and think that you and everyone in your country may die afterward. The water company says that the water is safe for consumption. Take a risk! Drink that water over and over again and think that you and everyone in your country may die afterward, because the company is lying. Exposure yourself and don't reply! Please don't reply. Our disorder will go crazy! He will cry out "What the hell is happening? I cannot control her mind. Christine is going away!".

You say you like dogs, however, you see them as source of contamination and as carriers of the rabies virus. Take a risk! Buy a little dog (female dogs may be more sensitive) and take of her as a child. Would you stop taking care of your son if your OCD tells you that he is a source of contamination? Exposure yourself and don't reply! You would be getting sick your sickness.

Please remember Christine, our enemy is powerful and will continue to fight. We must continue to fight too.

I enjoy swimming. I consider it a truly complete exercise. Do you know to swim? Swimming may help you very much. Please let your son learn to swim.

Today I'm very depressed. My father has cancer and my mother CANNOT understand my illness. She doesn't consider me a person with a serious disorder which is destroying my life. She consider me a loser.

See you soon,

05 12 05

Dear Christine,

Thank you very much for replying every email of mine. Please remember that my native language is Spanish. There are schools in Montevideo where to learn how to read, write and speak English, but they are expensive. Then I will ask you to forgive any mistake you may find in my messages and don't hesitate to make me know. For example, I don't know if it was correct to write "I will ask you to forgive any mistake you may find in my messages and don't hesitate to make me know." or indeed I should write "I will ask you forgive any mistake you may find in my messages and don't hesitate to make it know me." I will appreciate your advice.

I was curious about the Asperger syndrome and I was looking for information in
Asperger syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. I found that I do have characteristics of this disorder!

I'm studying in "Instituto de Profesores Artigas" Mathematics Profesorship (Mathematics for High-School). Fortunately is free of charge.

My mother thinks I'm a loser because I should be graduated from Analista de Sistemas where I was 21 or 23 years old. Thanks to our OCD I'm 39 years old and still continue to be, only, a student.

Because I cannot access the Internet from my house, where I live alone, since my parents live in another city called Paysandú, I won't be able to reply your nice messages as soon as I would wish. However I will do my best.

Have a nice day you and your family.

Luis Leonel López

06 12 05
Dear Christine,

Don' worry if your next reply will be delayed. I know that you read my messages and that is very important to me, because you're the first person I know who can actually understand me.

I wish your family problems to be overcome very soon.

I enjoy very much your artwork. Don't stop. Your son will success in artwork and in life too.

Kind regards,

Luis Leonel López

"The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning."
Michel Foucault

Dear Christine,

Thank you very much for your advice about how to write better English. You were very welcome.

These last days have been awful for me, due to one of my OCD crisis. I couldn't get out of my house where I live alone and this is specially problematic in my situation, because I don't have telephone. I cannot afford a telephone line yet.

I'm living in a Third World country. There are little help or aren't at all for persons with illnesses, sometimes.

You're doing a wonderful contribution to OCD and other anxiety disorder community. I appreciate a lot your web site.

I feel better now.

Regards,

Luis Leonel López

Dear Christine,

I'm sorry to hear that your brother-in-law, Michael Johnson, passed away. I had read in your December 2004 entry blog that he suffered with an accident and was all alone in the world except for you and your family.

Sadly, I have no family member or friend for support in my disease. Regarding to Internet, I have found it very helpful too. However, I cannot afford to pay a Internet home connection. I have to use computers from a CyberCoffee or from Sala de Informática del Instituto de Profesores Artigas (Computer Room). Right now I'm writing this message with a computer from this room.

My psychiatrist (M. D.) is a honorable person, who travels everywhere in the world, during the year, to attend conferences. Unfortunately, he cannot help me anymore. Not even he knew of the Exposure and Reply Prevention paradigm. He trusts too much drugs and surgery. As I said before I live in a Third World country, and, I believe, I live with Third World psychiatrists and pyschologists too. This is the reason for which I please myself in thinking that you are in better conditions to fight against your OCD. You live in United Kingdom.

I trust E&RP paradigm. Did you read the Rethinking the Unthinkable article from Phillipson(http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson9.php)? I read in your blog about the incident of the hair in your food. The next time, please try to drop a hair on your food, pick it up, remove it and continue cooking. You may need an UK health care assistant who will help you not to respond, not to throw the food. Later invite her to eat. She will accept with joy. Nobody will be contaminated.

I agree with you that it's important to keep our mind occupied. I study in I.P.A. and I enjoy to see movies from Cinemateca Uruguaya (http://www.cinemateca.org.uy/). I would like to study a filmmaker career after finishing my Mathematic Teacher career and when I will be able to make a living as a teacher.

I don't like Christmas or New Year Eve. I'm very anxious and sad these days. This is due to my loneliness, my OCD and my, now detected, Asperger Disorder. I guess.

I'm glad to know that you will include my Michel Foucalt quotation.

I've signed the petition to save baby seals.

Thank you very much for letting me write you.

Sincerely,

Luis Leonel López

The too pure water does not contain fish.
Unknown

Dear Christine,

I'm happy to hear from you again.

Because of Instituto de Profesores Artigas room computer is closed up
until the first days of March 2006, I will hire a computer, by one or more
hours a week in a CyberCoffee, to email you my messages.

I was reading your February 25th of 2005 entry blog:

"I can sense that people know that I have some problem or other, they
realise there is something different about me. If I do attempt to
talk I have to run though what I am about to say in my mind. This
causes two problems: first by the time I speak quite often the
subject of conversation has moved on and secondly what I have to say
sounds contrived which of course it is and others to whom I am
speaking seem to know this."

I'm surprised at knowing how alike we both are! You'd just
described me. When you wrote those sentences you wrote about you and
I too. The only difference between your disorder and mine, I think,
is that I have no contamination obsessions and you may have no
protective obsessions with respect to books, clothes and pens, for
example. Please ask your therapist tell you why we have this problem
and what we can do to overcome it.

I bought an inexpensive Parker pen (they are made in the U.K. now)
and I was trying the E&RP paradigm on it by causing it a little harm
to produce obsessions. It's difficult to cancel or change OCD mental
compulsions. Actually, I don't know if that is the best way to apply
that paradigm. I would appreciate to hear your opinion. I trust you
very much.

I read that you like the snow. Is it beautiful? I hardly know it by
photos or by movies. Never snows on my country. We are in summer with
warm days right now.

I love to see the John photos, Kevin's and your artwork. Thank you
all. Your're a very talented family too. I long to see more in the
future.

I saw a surprising and extraordinary film, Turtles can fly '"Turtles
Can Fly" is the third feature from internationally acclaimed Iranian
filmmaker Bahman Ghobadi ("A Time For Drunken Horses"). Written,
directed and produced by Ghobadi, the film features of cast of local
non-actor children.' I cried. Please don't see this film if you are
depressed.

I don't know if you are curious about my country. This is a link with
a profile written in english language: BBC NEWS | Americas | Country profiles | Country profile: Uruguay
We have a new government since March 2005. Our new president, Tabare
Vázquez (a cancer specialist), from Frente
Amplio coalition, is the Uruguay's first left-wing head of state.

Very kind regards,

Luis Leonel López

Dear Christine,

Lovely to hear from you again. You're an excellent pen pal and OCD fellow.

I'm happy your blog has new entries and your web site is dedicated, now, to your sister and brother-in-law.

Like Kevin, I didn't receive any birthday card. My birthday is on July 4.

The year 2004 was awful. I considered to put and end to my life, a life empty and senseless. In 2005 I considered this once. I was busy. My life is miserable since a lot of years.

7 01 2006

Dear Christine,

Thank you very much for your message.

Like you I may watch a film over and over again. I continue to see
the extraordinary film Luis Buñuel's "Viridiana" for example, whenever I can.

Yes, your son is a gifted artist. I'm sad to hear that he continues
to be depressed and has no motivation, because he is failing to take
advantage of his  talent. Please help him to find his way.

I have problems with my OCD and AS illnesses. However, since this new
year, I wasn't thinking of committing suicide at all.

I do prefer winter and cold inasmuch as they're more compatible with
my life. I would be happy in a country like the UK.

Please don't check so much your writings. You write very fine.

I'm very happy to read your messages and visit your beautiful web site.

I'm suffering with awful nightmares in these nights.

See you the next week!

Luis Leonel López

Auguries of Innocence

To see a world in a grain of sand
And heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

William Blake

10 01 07


Dear friend, OCD fellow and pen pal Christine,

I'm fine today but I was so anxious, depressed and
obsessive-compulsive yesterday! Yesterday was one of the warmer
days of this year, in Montevideo. I stammered and stuttered. Then, I
decided to buy a natural sedative done with grass, called "Tilo
tea".

Sometimes I forget to write in English alphabet. Could you tell me
if you can see the third letter of this last name: Buñuel?

I'm so sad to know that Kevin cannot work in these days. It's a
pity because of he does have talent. I would wish to do the artwork
like you or your son do! Please tell him I enjoy so much his
wonderful paintings "Durham", "Lindisfarne Priory", "Lindisfarne
Church" and his drawings "In Mind 01" and "In Mind 03".

Did you go to the optician? I suffer from Myopia, Astigmatism,
Keratoconus, and in the future, Presbyopia. I have to use
eyeglasses and contact lens. Actually, I'm not using contact lens
right now because of I need to change them, but I cannot afford new
ones. They're expensive. I also use sunglasses because of I have
light sensitivity. I prefer the night.

What a wonderful new photos taken by John! I enjoy "Durham Castle"
and "Durham Cathedral in the Snow" (Is there a cemetery in front of
this beautiful Cathedral?) I'm very sorry when I think I could
never know these places.

I'm feeling not well now.

The following Lord Alfred Tennyson's poem is for you, John and Kevin:

I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage
The linnet born within the cage
That never knew the summer woods.
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes.
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I Hold it true, whate'er befall
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'It is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.


Yes, OCD persons are different.

Sincerely,

Luis Leonel Lopez

Hi Christine,

Hope you and your family will be well.

I was visiting a local book store yesterday. I like to read books
about biographies, mathematics, science fiction, thriller and
history. One of the books in which I'm interested is Las
conversaciones privadas de Hitler / Introducción de Hugh
Trevor-Roper (Hitler's Private Speeches / Trevor-Roper
introduction). Hugh Trevor-Roper (1914-2003) was a brilliant british
historian who, between many books, wrote the excellent The Last
Days of Hitler. But this book is US$40.00! And the El Código Da
Vinci, Edición Especial Ilustrada (The Da Vinci Code, Special
Illustrated Edition) (Hardcover) is almost US$50.00 such like And
the According to Rolling Stones. I cannot afford them! It may be so
difficult to be happy in an American-Latin country! Or Third World
country as Uruguay is.

I felt so miserable yesterday. I understand that my maladies make
it more difficult to cope with problems, even small ones.

I consider Penguins are adorable animals, aren't they? At the
bottom of this message you will find a nice photo from a Penguin
along with his or her babies.

Did I say that I like the Takeshi Kitano's films. He's a fine Japanese
filmmaker. His films, between others, Sonatine, Hana-Bi and Zatoichi
are superb.

Kind regards,

Luis Leonel López

Dear Christine,

I was truly depressed these days. I was on the bed almost all the time. If you some day found a solution for your OCD, please let me know, because it may be a solution for me too.

The Uruguayan state provides disability payments, pensions and supports for disabled and sick people too. And this money is miserable too. No one can live!

Yes there is a big public library, called Biblioteca Nacional (http://www.bibna.gub.uy/), in Montevideo, but I'm sure they have no the books I wish to read.

Kevin may have the same problems as me. However, I hope he may get better.

I watched the excellent, once again, film Joseph Losey's The Servant, with the excellent british actors and actresses Dirk Bogarde, James Fox, Sarah Miles, and Wendy Craig, and written by the recent Literature Nobel Price Harold Pinter. This film is a must!

What a beautiful London was in sixties years with its black taxis and two floor buses, isn't it. You may tell me more.

I spoke by telephone with my mother. She considers me a problem. I should agree with her. I'm an unique son. I have no brothers or sisters.

Are you doing more artwork? I hope to see it soon.

I consider you to have a wonderful writing style too. Would you want to write a fiction book based on our disorders?

Thank you for writing me. I feel less alone now.

Kind regards,

Luis Leonel López
Montevideo
Uruguay

No one is anyone, one single immortal man is all men. Like
Cornelius Agrippa, I am god, I am hero, I am philosopher, I am
demon and I am world, which is a tedious way of saying that I do
not exist.
-- "The Immortal"
Jorge Luis Borges

24 01 06


Dear Christine,

Happy to hear from you. I appreciate very much your messages.

You're right. I cannot lie in bed and I should occupy myself. Thank
you very much for your advice.

The Instituto de Profesores Artigas is a college, this is, a higher
education institution with degree-awarding powers but without
university status.

There are many history books in the Instituto library. They are
borrowed for a few of days. I may photocopy them if I cannot afford
them or so. I prefer to have my own books indeed. However,
since five years ago, to buy books is truly difficult for me.

Tonight I suffered with a mild OCD crisis. I would want to have
someone who could help me in those moments but my maladies made me
a special and lonely person, sadly. I have no girlfriend either.

In Uruguay, only a few of people know the English language. You may go
to a restaurant or a hotel and not be able to find anyone who could
speak English. Most of journalists don't speak it either. I'm
one of those persons who cannot think in English. I'm very sorry.

I hope you continue updating your beautiful website. Your
contribution for the Anxiety Disorders community is really
wonderful.

I have a father. He has prostate cancer.

My mother applies almost all of her energies for taking care of my father.

I have a Grandmother, the mother of my mother, who lives with my
parents, in Paysandú, another city of Uruguay. She is almost 100
years old. She wants only to eat, drink and sleep.

Will you buy a non aggressive dog? I guess this animal may change
your life and your family's.


Did you know that the German pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee
was scuttled in the La Plata estuary, front of Montevideo, after
the famous battle of the River Plate, on December
1939

See you soon.

Luis Leonel López
Montevideo
Uruguay

29 01 06

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
Oscar Wilde

Hi Christine,

Thank you very much for renewing your web site!!!

As always I'm very happy to hear from you again. Thank you so much
for contining to write to me. I feel less alone.

So, will you stop your therapy? I stopped my therapy too because I
was getting no solution. I think that if you and I would live in
the same city we could help each other to cope with our disorder.

I suppose there are associations or groups for people who are
depressed or have anxiety disorders, in Montevideo. However, you're
the first person with OCD, after myself, I know.

Yes, it's possible to buy books second hand. They may be expensive
too and I couldn't find the book I wish to read.

Montevideo has changed. I'm living in this city thirteen years
ago. It's a small city and comfortable if we compare it with, for
example, Buenos Aires from Argentina. At the bottom of this message
you will see a recent picture of Montevideo.

Do you play sudoku (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/section/0,,18209,00.html)?

I'm truly happy to see my Michel Foucault quotation included in
your Inspirations page!

Cheers!

11 02 06

Luis Leonel López
Montevideo

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can
alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.
William James

Whenever I hear, 'It can't be done,' I know I'm close to success.
Michael Flatley

Hello Christine,

I was unable to write to you before because I can only afford one
or so computer hours a week. You may remember I have no home Internet
connection because it's expensive.

Lovely photos. I wish to live there right now! And lovely sheep
photos. Thanks John.

Thank you for writing to me again. I consider you an excellent
friend and to receive your messages make me truly happy.

You cannot image what it is like living in a Third World country
like Uruguay? Imagine living in UK with the same problems and more.
For example, we don't have good health care as you may have in your
country. Neither the private health care is, in general,
acceptable. However, it's expensive. The medication is no way cheap
in these private health centers or "mutualistas" either! A few
years ago, during the 2002 worst Uruguay financial crisis, neither
I was able to afford foods, and I went hungry to bed. Then I said
to doctor in this mutualista: "I need very much this medication but
I cannot afford it today!", and he replied: "I'm sorry, but if you
don't pay you won't receive any medication at all".

Did you know that in Cuba, most health care centers are excellent
and free of charge for cuban citizens and, sometimes, for
foreigners too?

I'm reading the following sentence: "My son would not be able to
cope with my having therapy as the psychologist would need to come
to my home to deliberately contaminate it." Can you let me know how
a person could contaminate your home? You're smart enough to
believe a person may contaminate your home. It's your disorder. Can
I contaminate your home if I send you a Notebook? No way. You'll
make a mistake if you don't let this psychologist to help you.

Happy to know you will make a note of the titles I mentioned. I
hope you won't be disappointed. I will wait your comments.

Did I say that I enjoy Stephen King books? I
look forward to buying his Bag of Bones novel when I will be able
to afford it.

I love Lynda's artwork! Thank you very much for include her beautiful
artwork in your web site and let us enjoy it.

I signed a petition to save baby seals in the last days of 2005.

Thank you for your new entries. They're always interesting and sincere.

I like owls. I send you a picture of a Búho Real.

Have a nice week.

Luis Leonel López
Montevideo
Uruguay

Words are the physicians of the mind diseased.
Aeschylus


Dear Christine,

Thank you very much to invited me to write an autobiographical
account. You're very welcome.

I said a lot about me in the messages I've e-mailed to you since, November 2005? Please include my messages in some section of your web site, if you want to. They may give glimpses of what it is like to be a Pure-O sufferer living in a Third World country. And if an OCD fellow wish to contact me, you may let him or her know my e-mail address. Please do whatever you consider convenient.

Yesterday I've got a lot of obssesions and compulsions. One after the other. I struggle to not reply, changing my mental focus. It's not easy at all. I'm living in my mind! What a miserable life!

Some years ago I dreamed of living and working in the USA. Dreams which are destroyed by the OCD. What will become of me in the future?

Sincerely,

Luis Leonel López
 

Dear Christine,

I'm truly happy to receive your messages! Thank you very much.
You're the only person that can understand me.

What a lovely photos! I'm visiting the Holy Island web site.
Beautiful photos. Your country is more interesting and richer than
Uruguay. I wish to live there. Maybe in the future.

I'm feeling sick by my OCD, of course. This disorder has destroyed
more than 25 years of my life. Almost six years of therapy didn't
help me, a drugs based therapy. The psychiatrist didn't know about
the E&RP paradigm. Then, I tried hard to apply this paradigm by myself. However, I'm defeated so many times. So many times I got down and so many times I got up.

Like you I'm constantly depressed and some nights I cannot sleep either.

Putting a book on other open book can trigger a doubt and then the
obsession. Sounds strange? I'm a booklover? No. I'm an OCD
sufferer. Another OCD sufferer can experiment obsessions with his
or her car. Someone said me: "Your thought is ill." I think that it
is a good definition.

I found two interesting sites in Internet for you:
a beautiful web site about Butterflies
I hope you to like them.

Fortunately, you can access to the Internet. Is home Internet
connection free in your country? When I was able to afford a home
connection I felt less alone.

Thank you so much for inviting me to write an account of my life,
in Spanish language, for your web site. I do able to and I would be
happy to make a translation English to Spanish of any of your
sections. There are OCD sufferers that cannot read English texts.

It's beautiful the artwork of your sister Lynda. Your sister would
be very glad with your web site.

Below are a few of pictures for you.

Sincerely,

Luis Leonel López (a severe OCD sufferer)
Montevideo
Uruguay

18 03 06

Luis has given his consent to publish the above e-mail correspondence, please be assured that I do not publish anyone's e-mail to me without his or her permission.