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November 1st.
Today I had one of those moments when all of a sudden amidst the turmoil of fear
that is my life, just for an instant, I had that feeling that everything is all
right with the world and with me, a sudden positive sensation, a brief moment of
peace. Such feelings are so fleeting and infrequent nevertheless no matter how
ephemeral, they occur from time to time. Such moments may be weeks, even months apart
but they are there indicating to me that deep down inside at a deep subconscious
level under all the layers
of suffering, fear, anxiety and torment is the potential to find real peace and
that I and indeed everyone has the potential to be permanently happy contented
and fulfilled. However for those with a mental illness finding this inner peace
is an infinitely more difficult task but I believe that the possibility is there
nonetheless and that underneath the surface of our suffering lies the ability to
experience a profound sense of peace and well being.
November 3rd.
Today was the first lesson of my computer course. Fearful as usual due to social
phobia I nonetheless made the effort. Web page design is apparently the most
difficult segment of the course and this is what I have chosen. I want to make
my website as good as possible and as helpful to sufferers as is possible for me
with my limited health and experience. I had not of course told the instructor
about this website having learned from past experience that one tends to lose
respect and credibility if one suffers with a mental health problem. I am
however in the throes of constructing a website for my son who is hoping to try
to sell some of his artwork. The instructor was amazed at how well I had made my
son's website despite the fact I was self taught and had only recourse to
instruction from a manual. You have no idea how this boosted my confidence and
yes my ego! Not a bad thing as any positive event has an effect upon my
depression and consequently my OCD. He of course had no idea how difficult this
had been for me and how long it had taken or the battle with headaches,
depression and OCD that had thwarted my progress. I may one day show him my OCD
web site, I would like to of course but it is not easy to share such things with
people that I know and will see frequently as in my experience their whole
attitude changes.
November 21st.
Today I had my first phone call from my pen pal in Australia, we have been
corresponding for over ten years. It was nice to talk for the first time
although it was a little stressful as she rang on a morning when I was more
depressed and stressed out than usual. I get these days when the burden of
depression hangs like a leaden weight over my heart, like a sickness dragging
one down to the depths of misery. No this is no exaggeration the feeling is
indeed most terrible, it is not a feeling easy to describe to those who do not
suffer from depression. It is as though a weight bears me down; my chest feels
tight; everything seems hopeless, pointless and futile and I can barely think.
It is though I were walking through treacle as my movements become sluggish. I
really have no motivation or inclination to do anything, in fact if it were not
for my OCD I would probably curl up in a corner and let the world go by. In fact
this seems a luxury as driven by OCD I am not even allowed this respite, brought
low my depression I cannot indulge my misery but have to comply with the
dictates of this uncompromising illnesses and despite the feeling of oppression
I continue to be driven by my obsessions and compulsions. Despite the fatigue
and despondency I cannot give in and let it pass just for today.
November 28th
Really consumed by a profound depression this morning and throughout the day. I
cannot update my website and furthermore I cannot get the web host support
people to understand the problem Mainly because I do no feel that I can explain
it properly and am faced with having to either just abandon
it and leave it to stagnate unmodified or having to delete the files and upload
it hoping that I can of course uploaded. If I do this and it does not work out I
am left with no website. Some would think this inconsequential however like
everything in life this is all a matter of perspective. Just now I am exhausted
with both physical and mental maladies. I have worked for months on this
website, a no mean feat for someone as ill as myself and now to be defeated by
the perversity of technology and an inability to get technical support to
understand the problem let alone fix it!. I am not blaming them, people I have
noticed seem not to be able to function as they once did. Before all this mind
consuming technology people seemed to function better, were less spaced out,
less forgetful and more focused. It is my observation and my experience that
modern technology, particularly concerning the use of computers, seems so
draining and haggles and tires the brain beyond what I feel is in general within the
capabilities of most average people who are not naturally computer geniuses or
indeed geniuses of any kind, which most certainly describes me. After all have you ever come across anyone who
fully understands the perverse working of a computer and or its software .
Although I suffer with chronic depression it is not often that it renders me
feeling virtually incapable of moving or conceding defeat in quite the way as it
has today or rather yesterday, as of course I am writing this the following day
as depression had incapacitated me on Sunday. I felt that I could barely move to
drink a cup of tea prepared by my husband preferring to instead lie encapsulated
in a aura of sickening despair. Yes often depression feels like a sickness, as I
feel weighed down with severe heaviness on my chest with feelings of profound
lethargy and sluggishness, a draining of all physical or mental motivation. I
could barely induce myself to climb the stairs to go to bed. Usually my OCD at
least insures that I am mobile but yesterday it did not, as I lay there
immobilised by despondency not even obsessive-compulsive thoughts intrude to any
degree - at least not the type that would compel me to have to move. For
obsessive thoughts never leave one entirely alone but during severe depression,
morbid and gloomy ruminations rather than compulsions intruded adding their toll
to my downcast mood..
November 30th.
I have gradually become more resigned to the fact that this website is never
going to be perfect and the pleasure that I get from creating it in an artistic
sense will be greatly marred by technical malfunctions. Such inaccuracies may
probably be caused by my lack of expertise but not always. Some of the
imperfections however, such as missing links, graphics, entire pages (and even
links to older pages that have supposedly been overwritten but still show up
along with the updated versions) are bizarre. After much investigation and
obsessing accompanied by tears of frustration and explosive bouts of anger I
have concluded that such imperfections are not of my doing and beyond my ability
to rectify. The artist Salvador Dali whose work I much admire once said "Do not
worry about being perfect .... you will never achieve it."
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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