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May 2nd

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

Dreadful depression greets me this morning almost upon waking, it comes like a sickness as soon as I am aware and conscious, This I must assume is the type of depression that is chemical; I have hardly had a chance to think it is there the heaviness of misery and despair yet I have barely opened my eyes . I have these periods when the depression is more pervasive and is there immediately upon waking along with sinking anxious feelings which must be free floating anxiety. As I am barely aware of my surroundings the presence of these negative sensations first thing in the morning overwhelm any thoughts whether  positive or negative – not that I get any of the former. However within minutes I am invaded by the usual anxieties the only difference is the scenario of anxious thoughts changes from day to day either new thoughts intervene or tired and well worn thoughts plague my mind with new versions of a well worn theme. Feelings of guilt along with fearful worrying thoughts deepen my depression as guilt concerning my son comes once again to the fore.

Today is a bank holiday here in the UK I have looked forward to this as a day when the traffic through our village is less and there is generally a more peaceful less hurried atmosphere and for today I can set aside some of the pressures that society places upon me as it does to all of us with seemingly increasing frequency. Sunday is also a similar day and I try to keep such days free from confrontations with problematic situations and as I have mentioned before simply veg out and do not much of anything. Yesterday I sat and read and watched TV.

Now it could be said that there is no pleasing some people and in my case this is true for you see as soon as I am left to relax and take it easy I get more depressed. My mind needs occupying constantly and it always needs to do something that has some purpose something that I consider of value in some way; something to mitigate the feeling that I have wasted my life and that I am continuing to do so despite great efforts to make my remaining time more useful. I am driven relentlessly by fears of wasting time wasting what is left of my life. The anxiety to accomplish something of value during the day is a driving force that in itself is obsessive compulsive yet would seem to others as though it was a positive rather than a negative. Yes for all intents and purposes it is and to be active in one pursuit or another such as this web site, my son’s web site, a computer course and art work and so on all look as though yes this person is really trying and is achieving something positive. However behind the façade of positiveness is yet another OCD driven activity that yes brings some satisfaction, but only rarely and only if nothing goes wrong and only when completed to perfection, which of course with the OCD mind is not likely and does not occur often if at all. Furthermore when I am not engaged in such “positive” pursuits or when things go wrong my depression becomes much worse. So on days like to day when I do nothing very much I actually become more depressed. Also this occurs as quite simply my mind is less occupied and there is a large opening for the incursion of unwanted thoughts and on going worries have full rein to torment me.

Today my awareness that my contamination OCD is getting much worse is really obvious. This fact is made more evident as each time I look in my wardrobe I have nothing to wear, at least not clean, not OCD clean. It is not that my cloths have suddenly diminished for various reasons no rather it is that I now need more cloths as I change and wash them increasingly more frequently. On Saturday I had to come home and change my cloths, all my cloths including that well washed coat mentioned in previous entries. The day before I also had to wash my denim coat so I now have no coat to go out in. until they are dry and... I was going to say ironed but except for the denim coat I doubt I will bother to iron the other one it’s just too stressful and I risk re-contaminating it.. The stress of having to shower each morning is accentuated in the anxious search for clean cloths. Moreover my sensitivities to uncomfortable clothing seem also to becoming more of an issue. Yesterday I changed my cloths twice simply because my cloths felt uncomfortable, itchy and irritating me to distraction. Each morning increasingly huge piles of clothing needing to be laundered await me. Such makes the depression that is my companion every day even more of a burden.

Furthermore washing and showering rituals are on the increase. It is not simply showering and that's it! No. Oh I only wish it was. The freedom of simply taking off ones cloths stepping into the shower and washing is unimaginable for me. First I have to wash in the sink than disinfect the sink… don’t ask me why, something's I think are best kept to myself, just take it as read that the reasons by normal considerations are illogical and complex.  I am sure no one wishes to read pages of blow-by-blow tedious detail. Having completed my washing rituals in the sink I now have to disinfect the sink, the taps and yes, really really crazy….. the soap! I have to rinse and re-rinse the taps again and again to rid them of the disinfectant that I have sprayed all over them, now that it has done it’s job and sterilised the taps I do not wish residues of it to remain in case someone gets poisoned. The conflicting obsessions make life even more difficult. And this morning after showing the rug needs to be washed this rung is washed even more times than my coat such rituals drive me crazy! I long to be normal just to pop into the shower wash and that’s it. People actually like showering and taking baths. Well taking a bath is a horrendous nightmare of showering first so I do not wash in my own dirt than bathing and afterwards showering and washing my hair again. Such is just so exhausting and I only have a bath when my joint and muscle pain is particularly severe. Well that is enough of my moaning today it is only 8.45 and already it is as though I have been dragged through the ringer. Don’t we have some odd expressions in the English language? We use them every day so many times in conversation and I wonder what people whose first language is not English make of it all. If I start obsessing about that one I will never get anything written

May 3^rd

Don’t you just hate it when queuing at the supermarket to see the cashier at the till blow his nose wiping it with a tissue and than handling your food as it goes though the check out. Yes it most certainly was one of those days when there was little doubt that my OCD is taking a turn for the worse. Previously there was a panic, there was vinegar all over my hands, the lid was lose, broken. Of all the bottles on the shelf I could have picked up it had to be this one. I know it is only vinegar and harmless, in fact vinegar is a disinfectant, but no my OCD mind tells me it is something hazardous despite the label on the bottle that says otherwise. Illogical yes but I have OCD, OCD is not logical.  Is it logical to wash your hands merely because you have read the word rabies in a document? Ludicrous but I have done this!

I have to go once again to the ladies room to wash off the vinegar I cannot continue my shopping otherwise, a long long walk in the vast superstore and one which I have made many times due to similar anxieties. Than on the way out of the supermarket the slow ponderous amble of the women in front whom I cannot get past drives me to distraction. The fear being that the frozen food will thaw and have to be thrown away in case someone dies. The delay caused by this women is minor my anxiety however is major. It seems as though every movement that my husband makes as he loads the car is in slow motion like the slowed down action reply of a goal in a football match. My anxiety mounts with tightening muscles and chest fearful that this further delay will cause the food to thaw and some one will die unless I throw it away. I do not want this dilemma I can’t keep throwing food away as such actions cause enormous stress for my husband. This fear that when I buy frozen food I will not be able to get it home fast enough before it starts to thaw has always produced enormous anxiety when shopping as it is really a health hazarded to refreeze frozen food. Yet again two fears vying one with another my mind flooded with anxiety and fearful imaginings. We have a visitor who will eat some of this food, such heightens my anxiety still more; thoughts run through my mind to prepare something else. I feel as though I am no the verge of losing it.

There are so many such anxieties now and life seems overwhelming more difficult. These were only a few of many many incidents this week; OCD incidents too numerous to mention. Yesterday finds  me out in the middle of the road picking up wood and nails which had fallen from a truck all over the road. Again on the way out, a cardboard box right in the middle of the road.  The over responsibility OCD fear compels me to remove such should it be a hazard to others. I resent it and the lack of responsibility that others display. It had been yet another of those days and in fact it has been one of those weeks a very difficult week for me concerning my OCD. It is as though I cannot get one minute of peace let alone one day of peace. Every task is becoming more difficult, every difficulty is becoming more exaggerated and I am becoming overwhelmed by my OCD. 

May 5th.

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.
William Shakespeare

People today seem to show little or no interest in others, have you noticed that when talking to other people that few rarely ask you about your interests etc. I know someone who rarely asks how I am and on the rare occasion he does he ignores the answer and goes on to talk about some pressing issue in his own life. This person and others like him never ask about my life or understand anything whatsoever about me and see me only in relation to their respective wants or needs and not as a person who has an existence and who also has problems and interests that I would like to share. My family and I moved away from our home, the home we lived in for over thirty years and my husband was born in the area. When we arrived here not one person showed the slightest interested as to why we had moved or asked any questions about our former home or anything else about us. No one cared to enquire about why my husband was made redundant or what kind of job he had prior to his redundancy. We know all the problems of most of the people we have associated with, all the names of family members that people expect you to recall whenever they are talking about them mostly in a derogative way. We know practically the life history of one neighbour but, with the exception of an OCD friend, not once has any one asked anything about either my family or myself.

Yes most are friendly enough but all conversation is one sided and is mostly because of my OCD and the fear of upsetting people and not wishing to hurt their feelings that I listen to them. Most normal people would not but instead try and talk over the other person, which is what happens to me most of the time if I do attempt to say anything. Conversation is difficult for me for reasons that I have already explained and this increasing tendency on behalf of people with whom we associate does not help at all. There are of course a couple of exceptions but most people I associate with babble on and on, you can barely get a word in at all and by the time you do you have nothing to say the moment having passed. If you do mention anything about your interests most people barely acknowledge you at all. I recall showing a neighbour my son’s website she looked at two pages and that was it and went on to talk about all her business with virtually no comment about my son’s website. There are few people that one can share anything with nowadays and you can feel as though you are losing your identity. If indeed I have one other than as a sufferer of OCD.

May 6th.

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

The previous entry got me to thinking: How do I actually define myself – sadly through my OCD. I would image that many sufferers of this and any mental health problem after so many years of suffering begin to think only of themselves as a sufferer of whatever the malady is. This tendency is further accentuated when no one shows the least interest concerning the other more positive aspects of your personality. Whenever I think about what type of person I am or what defines me it is always in reference to my OCD. What am I – a sufferer of OCD, a nervous and depressed person, a social phobic?  Somehow if a complete cure were possible I would wonder who I am! Why do I see OCD as defining who I am? Yes maybe it is because it takes over your life, it is sadly part of you, it is more you than say diabetes or deafness would be as OCD centres upon your personality.

But there are other things that define me, that define all sufferers of such afflictions. Could I not define myself as an artist perhaps even if not a particularly good one?  I could define myself as a homemaker although that would be stretching it a bit as such in the real old fashion sense of the word does not exist for me as of course OCD makes the role of homemaker impossible in any real or normal sense. Who envisions a homemaker washing her hands over and over; throwing food away thinking it is poisoned; unable to throw the trash out for fear of accidentally causing harm or unable to go shopping fearful to leave the home without carrying out checking compulsions? I could go on and on, the picture increasingly shattering the traditional concept of a homemaker.  And come to think of it the same goes for art or at least it could if I allow it too. The incident I mentioned in a previous entry where the paint had crystallised and I had the notion it was toxic produced anxious concerns; if I am not careful such incidents could escalate and incapacitate my ability to paint. It does to a certain degree already I do not use oil paint as it is quite stressful having to use turpentine and other toxic substances.Moreover the perfectionist side of my OCD can also render me unable to do anything or complete anything with out much rumination and indecision, this of course includes artwork always seeking perfection never satisfied. Such for me inhibits creativity. Perhaps I could therefore define myself as a perfectionist maybe a positive for a normal person but not for an OCDer and besides it is of course defining me yet again by illnesses.

Could I not define myself as a moral ethical person, again is this characteristic due to OCD scrupulosity: would I be so scrupulous if I did not suffer with OCD? Is such a definition therefore another way of defining me as a sufferer of OCD?

Am I a writer perhaps, I sure produce copious amounts of hyper-graphical ramblings. When I was complaining about having artist’s block recently for the reasons already mentioned my son replied: “well you certainly don't have writers block!” I really get my leg pulled about the length of all my writing. No not just here on my website but in every written undertaking: the recipient of a letter, or a form gets several pages. Is this a way of defining myself, probably not as it too is affected by OCD. Checking such copious renditions of course makes the task even more enormous and of course the large amounts of writing is often the result of anxieties about getting it right as much of my writing is repetitive. Would I feel the need to write quite so much if I did not have OCD? After all what would I write about; what would I have created a website about; would I have even created a website at all, would I have even bought a computer? Much of what I do on or with the computer is affected by my OCD.

This brings me to yet another way of defining myself. Most of my interests centre upon religion, philosophy, and such like. Most of the websites I visit are related to this interest and the driving desire to find some meaning to life and its purpose. My son pointed out that when my brother-in -aw came to stay with us for a couple of weeks before the accident that he was hard pressed to find something to read. Yes I have shelves of books all about the aforementioned. Not my brother-in-laws cup of tea! Finally he selects a book from the few which have no relation to religion, philosophy and so on – a biography of Howard Hughes.

So who am I? What am I? What defines me as a person, what is the real me underneath the OCD? Perhaps the non sufferer can understand why mental health problems are so devastating as they take away your personality , your sense of identity, your very soul if you like. Yet we get so little understanding or sympathy. In fact we are stigmatised. Why is it that no one bothers about political correctness when referring to the mentally ill!   That is another big issue with me and one which I will not doubt get round to writing my thoughts upon.

May 8th.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein

What a glorious day! This morning the sky is completely blue, it is the kind of morning that makes you feel good. It is Sunday morning shortly after 5am it is the most peaceful part of the day and in fact the only peaceful time during the whole week. Even that low frequency noise is not in evidence this morning . Even though I am really none to well. with a very frightening escalation in the intensity of fibromyalgia symptoms after a very disturbed night including a migraine attack in the early hours of the morning my mood is enhanced on such a day as today.

I do my best to make the most of my difficult life but on mornings when the sky is laden with clouds as though it bears down an enormous weight on my soul  it is much harder to fight with ones illnesses. My heart as a write this feels constricted with anxiety and I am still none to well but the difference to me the weather makes is quite astounding. I am nevertheless really quite frightened concerning this escalation in my fibromyalgia symptoms, if this is what all these strange maladies are. They most certainly fit the diagnostic criteria for this illness an illness not accepted as valid by the consensus of all medical professionals. Some doctors prefer the diagnosis of somatisation disorder. Some will give no specific diagnosis at all; I have been told that my illnesses namely, headaches, migraine, muscular aches and pains fatigue, brain fog, IBS  and so on are all caused by depression. However you may wish to label it it all feels just awful to me and for the sake of brevity I call these maladies for which there appears to be no pathology fibromyalgia, it makes things simpler and is something to identify with. Whatever you want to call it all feels the same but sufferers like a label as something to relate to in order to identify why they suffer in the way that they do.

It isn't the experience of today that drives men mad.  It is the remorse for something that  happened yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.  
Robert Jones Burdette
 

I think the sudden escalation in these symptoms is due to the continued pressure that I feel so burdened by and my increasing OCD symptoms which accentuate other difficulties and make life increasingly more difficult to cope with. Sundays has for me always been a somewhat stressful day despite the welcome respite from the strains of life and the pressure from society. Most weeks there is something I dread having to face. . The saying that you cannot enjoy Sunday because the following day it is Monday is most certainly true. It is difficult to enjoy something if you are dreading the possible negative events occurring the following day. It seems as though every week there is something to worry me and this haunts me every Sunday spoiling my enjoyment of this more tranquil day. It appears to me that every week there is some challenge some worry to dread, to face. Yes true most of these are borne of a distorted perception in the nature of OCD delusional and negative thinking. Other people may not necessarily view the things that worry me to distraction in quite the same way nor see them in such a negative fearful light.

I wish that I had the ability to compartmentalise my life, to live each day separately as though each was a separate unit of existence isolated by the previous days troubles or the following days anticipated problems. But as with all OCD type thinking the mind will wander wherever and whenever and attempts to control its preoccupation with fearful events either real or imaginary is something I have never mastered. I do believe that happiness comes from living within the moment and if this can be achieved a lot of the suffering which blights our lives would be mitigated. One therapeutic mind training exercise, which sadly I have never really mastered, is to put off worrying until a set time of the day; to postpone worrying until a specified time. This would usually be at the end of the day and than to deliberately ruminate upon these worries and concerns when as the theory goes the sufferer will actually find it difficult to concentrate upon his concerns when such concentration is deliberate rather than intrusive and uncontrolled.. Sound advice for everyone as of course chronic worry is not the prerogative of the sufferer of OCD. Sadly though for me again it is that sinking feeling one gets when all of a sudden despite attempts to distract myself the thought pops into my head and before I know it here I am with a sinking heart obsessing about whatever it is that is torturing my mind or some negatively anticipated event which appears to crop up every single week or even every day.

Be happy in the moment - that's enough.
Each moment is all we need -  not more.
Mother Teresa
 

May 21st.

Whenever I go on holiday I have he strangest of notions that by some strange quirk all my maladies will somehow not be the problem that they are in my daily life and it always comes as a shock that of course this is not the case. In fact more often than not all the illnesses from which I suffer both psychological and physical can indeed become even more problematic than usual.

Yes my family have been away for a while for ten days on our annual holiday to Glastonbury in the county of Somerset. Now I do not necessarily want to ramble on about the negatives and there were certainly plenty of those but for a change or at least by way of an alternative I will share with you some of my interest and fascination for Glastonbury and why despite all my myriad health problems my husband, son and I make this gruelling nearly four hundred miles journey each year to spend a few short days in the town of Glastonbury. So if you would like something positive that does not concern any of the anxiety problems included in this website please click  Glastonbury  for photos and short explanations and links to sites of interest concerning Glastonbury and the surrounding area.. The pages you will see were intended for a section on my website site entitled Shared Interests. I spent some time on this section as part of my contribution as an idea to get sufferers of the disorders included on my web site to share details of their interests. The idea of doing this was to show that we are more than the some total of our respective maladies and that we do have interests. However I had serious doubts that it was really not appropriate and considered that perhaps no one other than myself would  wish to contribute and share interests so I have shelved this idea for the time being. Doubt is of course part and parcel of the torment suffered by those of us who are afflicted with OCD and such doubts may takes months to resolve if indeed they are resolved at all. However regardless of the outcome concerning the inclusion of this proposed part of my website I would like to share with you the section I did for possible inclusion as one of my interests which is concerned with the town of Glastonbury, it’s history, mythology and new age connections in order to add a little positivity to an other wise negative account of my holiday.

As I have said I do have quite an affinity for this town. It has as they say good vibes:.  However with OCD and the other maladies from which I suffer there were indeed many moments during which I wondered why on earth I put myself through these traumas each year. Holidays have always been difficult. It is no easy matter to stay in a holiday cottage even though I know it is immaculately clean and to use cooking utensils and bed linen that countless others have used or to sit in chairs sat in by goodness knows who. Strangely it is the fact that I do not know who has previously stayed there that makes it possible for me to go at all. Although my imagination fills in the gaps to a good degree. Nevertheless for once the doubts appear to side with a more positive outlook and not actually knowing who has stayed there or what has happened previously makes it possible for me to cope. In this situation ignorance is indeed bliss. The main fears often are my concerns that indeed I will inadvertently contaminate others and this more than anything else makes the holiday difficult particularly the last day when the need to clean and leave the accommodation ready for the next guest causes considerable anxiety and washing compulsions. Yes not my responsibility I know but over-responsibility is another OCD issue and besides it is expected to at least leave ones accommodation in some semblance of order and cleanliness but of course as a sufferer of OCD this goes rather go over the top.

A chest infection suffered by all of us adds it’s own momentum to my misery. Normally I let such illness, and I actually rarely get this type of illness, run their course but because I was due to go away I asked the doctor for some antibiotics. My IBS became a major problem, which I believe was a result of the antibiotics and which produced the dire necessity of the use of public toilets with alarming frequency. This not only of course caused exhaustive misery physically but also mentally as a result of my OCD. This along with an overwhelming anxiety at eating in cafe's for fears of food poisoning, panics over peoples unruly dogs which sadly here seemed in abundance, four migraines, although alleviated by my mediation, and the miserable cold weather and many many other anxiety scenarios too numerous to mention made sadly this year's holiday not one that I could say that I particularly enjoyed. Nevertheless my affinity for this place remained and I did not regret my time there.

There were the odd occasions when it seems as though I could actually find some moments of peace that this special place indeed does afford if one is receptive too them and manages to ward off for a moment or so the continuous stream of negative thoughts and turbulences to ones mind resulting from OCD and other mind induced torments. One of these moments occurred in fact on one of the miserably cold windy days at the foot of Glastonbury Tor. When stopping briefly to take a photograph before our manic excursions into the surrounding country side frantically trying to cram as much  as possible into our schedule I did feel a sudden few moments of peace as mist settled over the Tor swirling in the wind adding a mystical feel to this mythical and spiritual place: please see Glastonbury for explanation and links if you have not already done so. Despite the difficulties this year the dread of returning home haunted me and I  mentally ticked off each passing day with increasing dread as all too quickly the days slipped by.

May 22^nd

Today I woke quite severely depressed. Yes once again that awful sickening feeling, the clutch in the chest of which I am so familiar, greets me once again. Such awful feelings of early morning depression seemed not such a problem whilst on holiday although anxiety greeted me most mornings during my time away particularly as the time to return home drew inexorably nearer and the problems I left behind, which during the first days of our holiday remained in the background of my mind, seem suddenly much closer and more prominent. It takes me a long time to get over a holiday and I feel an incredible sense of loss and yearning for the town of Glastonbury. Indeed the feelings of depression and sadness when the holiday was over was very overwhelming and I had the thought that perhaps it is better not to go at all as these feelings of regret, despite considerable difficulties with contamination issues and IBS, when the holiday ends and I have to return home are really depressing and the sense of loss overwhelming. Often I regret not coming to live here instead of in the northeast. We had considered the possibility briefly but the price of housing here is considerably more expensive.

It was with bitter regret that we all departed from this place and Friday evening found us sitting in the car at the foot of Glastonbury Tor deep in bitter lament that we have to return home. My son particularly feels he has no life here and that his life is never going to amount to much as his anxiety and depression deepen. Again the pangs of guilt fill me with bitter remorse which even the distraction of our holiday could not override and feelings of wishing to harm myself to relieve this awful mental pain offer some desperate but neurotic solution from this persistent torment. Although such ideas remain merely a thought.

During our holiday I had some time to reflect upon my life and indeed the lives of both my husband and son. Something has to change we cannot go on much longer living out our miserable existence struggling with the increasingly difficult demands of our lives most of which we are too ill to cope with. Even this holiday has been an enormous strain and in fact we are not really functioning well enough and it has been more difficult than in previous years. But surrounded by what I will call the positive energies of Glastonbury, or at least the positive energies created within my mind as my personal perception of this place with it’s various religious new age connections, inspires some reflection upon our situation and a desperate need to bring some positive change into our lives. I purchased several self-help books and books of positive new age thinking which inspire within me a desire to change indeed for all three of us to change. Somehow in reality I know that on our return I will soon sink into the mire of hopeless despair as my OCD and other maladies overwhelm me and the pressing issues of life once again threaten to make my life one of continuous struggle.

The journey home and the car not functioning correctly necessitating the need for urgent repairs and the fearful scenarios of having to abandon it and make this long journey home by public transport were truly a very negative conclusion to our holiday and a bitter indication that my positive resolve will quickly crumble. It was only an hours delay, it could have been much worse. The mechanic was very helpful and charged a most fair price and perhaps I should focus on that as a little positive incident albeit born of what could have been a dire consequence. Nonetheless the shock and fear of the possible very negative outcome was overwhelming and increased my anxiety concerning travel so far from home. Particularly as the journey progressed and other things went wrong and I had a migraine. Just writing about it now I feel considerable anxiety welling up inside at the thought of the possibility of an even more negative outcome.

My depression this morning is further accentuated by the enormous task of unpacking and washing all our clothing including the bags in which we had to put our dirty clothing. I have to wash everything, every item of clothing even that which has not been worn. It is one of the downsides that everyone experiences after a holiday but for the OCDer with contamination OCD it is indeed problematic to the extreme and the inclement weather with intermittent rain does not help. My washer - tumble drainer is totally inadequate as I have explained before in an earlier entry. It washes just fine but does not tumble dry well at all and the prospect of having a weeks accumulation of laundry drying round the house after running in and out to retrieve it from the cloths line is indeed detrimental to any chance of feeling positive or refreshed after a holiday. Also the prospect of a shopping trip which is sadly essential as there is nothing in the freezer or refrigerator as whenever we go on holiday I have to defrost it and turn it off because of fears of something going wrong and causing a fire whilst we are away. I leave nothing switched on except the boiler, which apparently cannot be turned off for reasons I cannot understand but somehow I have to accept. Yes there are times when I wonder, is it worth it. A neighbour many years ago told me he and his wife never went on holiday they could not cope with all the packing and than unpacking on arrival followed by packing than unpacking and all the washing and so on when they returned; he thought it simply was not worth all the hassle. Notwithstanding such issues deep down inside I know that all things being well – well reasonably well as of course all things are never well for us it seems - we will once again be on out way next year, all the problems of this year having faded into the oblivion of forgetfulness and yet again I will go on holiday with the notion that somehow everything will be different and my illnesses will not be the problem they are each and everyday of my life.

May23rd

I have a headache, another headache! Most probably it is the beginnings of a migraine. I am so weary of all this sometimes, this is the fifth in the last 11 days. Again I woke overwhelmed with depression and the noise from traffic as the rush hour begins seems unbearably loud and more intrusive than usual. I guess it is because during my holiday it was peaceful when each morning I woke to the sound of the singing of birds. Although one particular pigeon joined the dawn chorus rather enthusiastically with loud cooing noises it was indeed a pleasure to hear for once such natural sounds instead of the hum of traffic and the low whine of the low frequency noise which continues to emanate from the factory in the village despite all my efforts to get it stopped. Yes I still lament the finish of my holiday and regrets haunt me that we did not chose to move to Somerset rather than here were I feel I will never really be able to find any contentment or feel that it is home or that I fit in.

The pressures of my complicated existence are burdensome to the extreme and already I have at least four commitments this week and feel that once again my life is just too crowded with obligations that I am not really well enough to cope with. It is no wonder that I wake feeling so overwhelming depressed. However concerning depression it is difficult to know which comes first: Am I depressed because of my lifestyle, a life style so effected by OCD obsessions and compulsions and negative thinking, or is the depression the reason my OCD and negative thinking exists in the first place or is as severe as it is. In the very brief moments when the depression has lifted and the feeling comes upon me that all is well with the world and my place within it other things take on a less threatening appearance. Such feelings are extremely ephemeral and are rarely experienced nonetheless they are there from time to time. And during other also rarely but more extended periods of time when I have been less depressed and more positive for no particular reason the OCD and other maladies seem not as severe. It is therefore very difficult to know which comes first, one's depression or the circumstances which we feel precipitate the depression. Some of the things that concern me and cause that awful sickening dread are perhaps to others seen as insignificant and may in fact appear as of no consequence at all. Yet to me these concerns are overwhelming problems and despite all the positive self talk these thoughts and perceptions of such circumstances remain to haunt me again and again and the feelings of depression and despair accumulate. Moreover as one problem resolves whether real or imagined another quickly takes it's place or at least another event or circumstances seen from a negative perspective immediately takes its place and once again my mind is weighted down with the burden of anxiety and dread.

Desperately I search for a solution and hope remains but as I get older I have increasingly the thought that it is unlikely that I will now ever find any true contentment. Nonetheless notwithstanding such misgivings life could be better but I do need some help and sadly this is not forthcoming, at least at the present time. But oh if only something would give if I could have some respite from all the pressures that society imposes and a little time just to smell the roses. If only my son could make for himself a life and find some happiness this would go a long way to alleviate at least some of my guilt about moving here which has sadly been of detriment to him and also to us.. Few people could bear the burden of guilt that they have adversely effected the well being of another. Yes I know the many psychological and philosophical arguments that we are responsible for out own happiness and that it is our  perception of life and it's circumstances that causes or makes worse our unhappiness. Such beliefs are fine in theory and I wholeheartedly agree with such ideas. However how does one change ones mind set and begin to view one's life in a more positive perspective. Nonetheless my resolve remains at least for now to try and somehow improve our lot here and I cling tenaciously to the positive vibes which whether real or imagined and fleetingly brief I experienced in the Glastonbury.

May 24th

Well, I have a lot to write about because we all know torment and misery provide inspiration.
anonymous
 

Today I really must get it together and post the above entries. All the checking that I have to do is most certainly a major hindrance in compiling and publishing this blog more so perhaps than any other written material composed by myself on this website. The constant checking and rechecking is not only both mentally and physically exhausting but spoils the spontaneity of my entries, which after all the alteration, rumination, corrections and endless deliberations becomes stilted and appears contrived and unnatural. All my worries concerning grammar and the possible negative effects of what I write or conversely what I exclude from these entries hinders not only the continuity and usefulness of my entries but also makes this task for me a misery of frustration. Many of my doubts prevent me from really opening up and sharing with sufferers and non sufferers what it is like to be afflicted with OCD. Furthermore my increasing hesitancy to share and suggest ways of coping ,such as uplifting books or music or ideas I have learned along the way, should they appear perhaps unconventional or may do more harm than good or may cause offence and so on truly inhibits the purpose of this Blog. Most web logs should contain links to useful websites and references to books and so on. This I feel is somewhat lacking in my blog.

I really need to improve my OCD in this regard. Somehow I have to accept that whatever I write will never be grammatically perfect for indeed my grammatical skills are rather lacking in this regard. I recall some years ago now when my husband was made redundant  I had written on his behalf a letter to his employer. I had taken the letter along to a local advice agency for some assistance concerning my husband's legal  rights. The agency was run by volunteers who where apparently all retired teachers. The letter which I had written over and over and had finally accepted as reasonably grammatically correct was examined by one of the volunteers. I had only showed it to this person in order to establish the legalities of it's contents however I was amazed to find that when she had checked it over she had written the usual teacher's corrections in red ink! She had corrected the grammar and spelling rather than commenting upon the legal aspects. The fact that such habitual behaviour by this former teacher was indeed rather amusing nonetheless failed to detract from the fact that my grammar was less than perfect. And although we all had a good laugh about this it did rather shake my confidence and had a detrimental effect on this particular checking compulsion which I freely admit may seem to others as ridiculous and inconsequential.

I often recheck everything which I have written even after publishing on the web, often weeks afterwards. At such times I will suddenly notice an error, it may only be a small inconsistency such as a missing comma or it may be that a word has been misspelled as often the word processor changes a word and despite all the compulsive checking I have failed to notice this. It is in fact quite an amazing phenomenon, it is as though my brain has failed to notice instead seeing perhaps the word I had originally intended rather than the one the spell check has inserted. This situation happens with regularity even after a letter or other document has been checked more times than I would like to admit. This has occurred with my book and this after taking over ten years to write, edit and correct. Recently whilst looking over a hard copy I decided I should print out I was horrified to notice mistakes that I had hitherto not been aware.

More importantly however the obstacle of compulsive checking when the compulsion arises from fears of causing harm or offence is perhaps more difficult to overcome, particularly in the absence of any professional support. The fear of causing harm is the major motivation that precipitates most of my obsessive-compulsive behaviours and is therefore a major symptom of this very debilitating malady to overcome. I endeavour to try to improve such behaviours but the fears, doubts and anxieties plague me persistently and it is indeed no easy task. Notwithstanding these problems I will endeavour not to take the easy way out and stop writing altogether.

At least for now I will persist even if it means doing so by working round my obsessions and compulsions in this regard even though my endeavours are inhibiting, exhaustingly time consuming and detracts from my ability to express myself in a more open and relaxed manner. At least I am trying and who knows with time things may change. I hope that what I do finally publish is of some use to others in some way despite it's short comings. Even now as I write this an enormous battle rages within my mind as it is inundated with doubts, indecisions and fears of causing possible harm or even merely driving readers to distraction with all this complicated rambling. Ramblings which I feel I may have said all before. Well that is another ruminative doubting obsessive-compulsive manifestation which I must somehow endeavour to ignore as I simply cannot check and recheck to ascertain that I am not repeating myself. Besides long rambling repetitive writing may be the way I am. Such tendencies  may be due to my OCD or otherwise who knows. OCD and indeed the mind in general is very complex and we should not relate all our emotions, idiosyncrasies or characteristics to our illness. It is the tendency now for written material to be shorter than it was perhaps in former times and perhaps those of us who simply write too much simply do not fit in with the modern tendencies to be more concise. However I may write too much due to OCD doubts that I have got my point across which is rather the case now. So for the present I will conclude both this entry and this subject.

May 26^th,

Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think.
Dale Carnegie

I am sooooooo stressed. Aggghhhhhhh!  I cannot believe it sometimes the perversity of life is truly astounding – at least that is how it appears to me. I have just summoned the courage to publish all these delayed entries and now I am unable to do so due to some technical glitch. As I write this I await an e-mail from my web host to either confirm that they have a problem or that there is a problem my end. Although as my website has failed to upload on the net I rather think that for some reason or another the problem is not of my doing.  I know that it is part and parcel of using computers, the unreliability of this very complex technology is to expected. Nonetheless such irregularities cause me enormous stress particularly when I am anxious about loading up this updated Blog as such a delay will leave me time to ruminate and further check my updates which I have only just resolved not to recheck for the umpteenth time. So instead here I am trying to distract from what is most probably unreasonable catastrophizing about not ever getting my website up and running again. Up until this time to my knowledge such problems have rarely occurred although from time to time I have had difficulty loading my website for one reason or another. The computer, my website and all the associated activates have been an enormous help and distraction for me during my troubled life however the anxiety generated by this setback is considerable particularly after all the work this week in preparing my entries and the links to the Glastonbury section. Although this section was mostly prepared as I have explained it needed considerable updating and of course check, check, checking and if that was not enough more checking.

So here I sit now with a significant headache and various aches and pains, which appear to be much worse this morning, feeling frustrated and hopeless with all my good resolve going down the drain of despair. For you see this is the trouble with my depression and my anxiety. It is not just the obviously OCD type thinking such as contamination, checking, religious and superstitious obsessions and compulsions and morbid ruminative thinking that increases or precipitates the depression and that causes me so much misery. Although most of my depression and indeed my anxiety arises from my OCD it is not the only cause. No it is also the irrational catastrophising of all negative situations both great and small, such as the one cited here concerning difficulties uploading my updated website, that further aggravate my tendency to be depressed and stressed and which consequently increase my OCD symptoms.

Some would image perhaps that such issues could be more easily resolved by trying to see the situation in a more rational perspective instead of treating such negative occurrences as a major catastrophe and allowing such to bring about a significant increase in depression. Such depression or indeed anxiety is tenacious notwithstanding my attempts at thinking more rational and positive thoughts such as in this particular instance: Any technical difficulties will only be temporary and will be resolved; I am not going to permanently loose my website; perhaps it would be better to get on with other things and not sit here trying to publish and continue to receive the same old error message and  instead wait for a response from technical support before indulging in heart sinking depression and stressful negative scenarios. However such is not he case. Such thoughts of a negative nature perceived in an exaggerated light are no easier to dispel than the more obvious OCD type thinking. At least that is my experience at this juncture of my life.

An e-mail from technical support confirmed my more rational explanation of the problem, which had been the result of temporary technical difficulties. No my web site is not irretrievably lost and this important part of my life is not over!

Life can become so problematic if we see everything that appears to go wrong as a major catastrophe and such pessimistic thinking will make our OCD or any other anxiety disorder more of problem as the stress generated by such negative thinking gives increasingly more momentum to the stress produced by our anxiety disorder, in my case OCD. I have found that during my life that any stress even that not related to OCD tends to fuel my obsessive-compulsive behaviours and consequently increases my depression and anxiety.  I have yet to find my own personal solution to coping with such over the top negative thinking and catastrophizing but many years ago I read a book that had some excellent ideas about how we can cope with the tendency to worry about everything. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living  
Dale Carnegie  

This book is about fifty years old but still available. It is well worth a read. Even if you cannot follow the advice given I often find that just by reading such books one can feel at least more encouraged and hopeful.

May 27^th

Some of my obsessive-compulsive behaviors truly seem bizarre and are perhaps not the usual behaviors commonly mentioned on the net or elsewhere. The reason for this may of course may be that few will admit to the more strange behaviors apparent in each and every sufferer of OCD.

I was saddened this morning to find a dead spider in the bath - at least I think it is dead. It looks dead and a normal person would simply turn on the taps and flush it down the plug-hole without further ado. Unless of course you are like me and suffer with obsessive- compulsive disorder and you are assailed with doubts that it is in fact really dead. It’s not moving but it may be alive, perhaps it is stunned. I know it’s dead, deep down my common sense if you like, that small virtually imperceptible part of my your psyche that tells you that your doubts are irrational  whispers to me that yes it is most certainly dead! But OCD doubts prevail and strong unremitting fears and uncertainties compel me to put the spider on a tissue and leave it aside for observation it to see if it is still alive. In some cases similar behaviors have gone on for days and dead spiders and other insects are left lying on tissues here and there throughout the house under observation. . Now of course it may not matter to you if the spider is dead or not, even if you suffer from OCD this concern may be irrelevant and you may even flush it away regardless of whether it is alive or dead, although most of us OCDers I would image would be reluctant to do such a thing – but who knows we are all different. After all everyone’s OCD is not the same; your own personal OCD manifestations centre upon your own personality, the things and ideas and beliefs that are important to you. This is why each and every one of us has his or her unique type of OCD even with in the three most common categories of OCD such as contamination, checking and religious/ scrupulosity OCD

I have done this over and over throughout the ensuing years since my OCD became full blown; such concerns and doubts being born from my OCD over responsibility, which those of you who have read my memoir and other writing including this bog will know extends to all creatures. Over the years there have been tissues with dead woodlice and other unfortunate tiny creatures hanging about the house for a number of days. Despite the fact such unfortunate creatures are obviously dead being rigid and stiff with rigamortis, the doubt remains and the torment continues. Not a major problem I know but add it to the others and it than becomes more significant. And add this to all the dead plants and even cut flowers that remain until I am completely certain that they are dead. More often than not it is another family member who will finally throw them away or at least remove them into the yard. My bonsai mentioned in an earlier entry is still in the yard .I now know it is dead as others of its species have now produced their leaves so I can no longer consider that it will revive in the spring which is now of course virtually over.. Crazy I know and theoretically such obsessions could become very serious indeed if I were living alone. I have heard of instances of dead rats and other larger creatures found in the homes of people with similar bizarre behaviors. At the moment my behaviors in this regard cause little harm other than embarrassment from the amusement of others: a psychologist referred to my home in a joking manner as a hospice for woodlice. It can however cause distress and sadness if I ignore such compulsions: if I did simply flush this spider away I would be subjected to considerable guilt that it had indeed been alive and that I had killed it. Furthermore such doubts that some creature or another is still alive can be problematic when out in the countryside and I want my husband to stop and check obviously dead animals that have been killed by passing traffic. Some times such doubts are very powerful despite the evidence of my eyes, such as when the poor critter's internal organs are splayed across the road. I mention this now because we need to be aware both sufferers and non-sufferers that OCD can occur in any manifestation and not just the stereotypical symptoms mentioned in textbooks or published in the media.

May29th

It is 6.15 am. My son has just gone for an early morning walk. I am amazed; he has been so lethargic and depressed perhaps this is for him a new resolve to try and improve. I certainly hope so. It is a glorious day - at least it is now at this early hour of the morning. I am so pleased that he has made this effort, an incredible effort for someone depressed who finds getting out of bed to face an anxiety filled day with feelings of despondency incredibly daunting indeed. It does however highlight for me the difficulties that I have concerning my ability to go out on such an excursion. Even accompanied it would for me be an ordeal because of my OCD. This aspect of OCD appears not to be a problem for my son thankfully as it is indeed miserable on a day such as today to be so fearful of going out alone into the lovely country side just right across the road. Even a trip outside just to check my garden can be difficult and anxiety provoking and that is all I can do alone. I cannot wake my husband at such an early hour and besides unlike many of the places we visit which are more remote my local country walks are more problematic. Therefore even if he came with me it would not be any pleasure for me at all. I rarely go out and about in my own locality as even accompanied it is just too stressful.

Close to us are some really pretty places to go for an early morning walk including woodland with streams and two rivers. However the fears of encountering other people's unruly dogs makes such impossible alone and anxiety provoking when accompanied. No it is not the dog just the fear that it may have rabies. For those who have read my full memoir or shorter version My Story will know that rabies is one of the diseases that features in my contamination OCD . Yes all mammals can carry the rabies virus included my much loved sheep. However for reasons I cannot understand most of this fear is centered upon dogs, although the fear remains concerning other animals. Other sufferers with whom I have spoken over the year express similar concerns and for reasons which are not logical centre fears concerning the contraction of rabies mainly on dogs. Well for me dogs and bats but as bats are rarely encountered in quite the way that dogs are, bats generally do not pose a threat. Although in recent years there have been one or two scares concerning rabies and bats which made me fearful for a time to go out at night..

This is only one of many many obsessions but it is one that I really loath and one that has had a significant effect upon my life. So many people own dogs most of which are okay and will not approach you. However there are always the few exceptions and the owners of which either do not care that perhaps another person does not care to have their dog jump all over them or they simply do not realise that some people may be phobic or allergic. However regardless of what the dog will or will not do the fear remains as I simply do not know when I see a dog if it will ignore me or jump all over me. Most times such behaviours are not aggressive and come mostly from the playful friendly nature of the animal. Although there have been occasions that I have been confronted with some very aggressive dogs and equally aggressive owners, fortunately these instances are few and far between. Most encounters concern over friendly dogs particularly young puppies just wanting to make friends or to have a bit owf fuss. Nonetheless I do not know how the dog will behave whenever I encounter one. When I am out and I see a dog my heart palpitates, my legs turn to jelly, my throat constricts and feelings of profound fear well up inside along with those familiar feelings which cause fluttering sensations right in the pit of my stomach. Such feelings seem to overwhelm me. When I use the word fear I mean fear, fear which goes further than anxiety. I do not even have to see a dog; the rustle of another creature in a bush or the rush of the  wind in the trees or the sudden approach of another person I have hitherto not previously noticed will case my heart to leap to my throat as I fearfully turn to the source of the sound in fearful anticipation. Expecting to be confronted with someone’s out of control dog I am panic stricken. It is mostly not the fear of the dog but the disease which it might carry that is the problem although because of events with dogs in my childhood there is an essence of phobic anxiety particularly with more aggressive breeds – at least dogs we perceive as more aggressive, such as Alsatians.

Now I do not wish to give offence to anyone who owns a dog or any other animal. I envy you. I love all animals. I love dogs some are so gentle, a neighbour’s dog’s has a lovely face I can see it is harmless and just wants a fuss. I would love to stroke it and give it the attention it obviously wants. I know people will think I imagine this but it is as if this dog knows by the way it looks at me with friendly eyes as though it is asking for a chance just to be friendly. Whenever I encounter it and his owner, who knowing my problems keeps it away, it looks at me constantly with big sad eyes as if it knows that it is being rejected. I actually feel so guilty. I also feel guilty at the look in the owners eyes when their dog which they know is harmless and which they may love as one loves one's child is rejected. Yes many people particularly lonely people have this much love for their dog. So I feel enormously guilt ridden.

The pain of this aspect of my OCD is terrible to me as it alienates me from contact with animals and is a great source of sadness for me. I would love to walk in the countryside and greet the friendly dogs of the people I meet along the way to stroke, pat and make a fuss of them. I would love to go for an early morning stroll by the river and not greet the approach of another person walking his or her dog with a beating heart and a sickening dreadful fear. But until this time arrives I can never do this, most certainly not alone or even accompanied locally as so many of my neighbours own dogs. I only wish that the public in general was made more aware of the effect that their dog whom they love and most probably trust and know is harmless has upon others and be more mindful to keep it under better control until he or she is certain that their dogs attentions are welcomed.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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