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February 1st
Day to day, life's a hard job, you get
tired, you lose the pattern.
Ursula Kroeber Le Guin
I hate to mention the telephone
again but it would not stop ringing my husband handing it over to me without
telling me who was calling. It was the estate manager about my brother in law
and after that there were so many calls to make and things to organise that I
did not know if I was coming or going. In the end I could cope no more and
handed the phone tasks over to my husband.
Finally my brother in law
has received an offer of a place in a special care unit. For any one not
familiar with such this is a new level of care for the elderly rather like
sheltered accommodation where there is a warden on duty, here however there is
twenty four hour care and a care package drawn up to meet the needs of each
tenant. He has waited for this moment for over six months. I am pleased but so
afraid that I cannot cope with all the organisation or do much of anything for I
feel as though I am sinking into some kind of mire of misery and despair which
will eventually result in a breakdown in my ability to function. It is like
nothing I have experienced before, at least not so profoundly, not even in the
dark days of my OCD when I could do nothing except sit on the end of a sheet
covered settee fearing to touch anyone even my husband and son.
Feb 2nd
I have another duty equally sacred – my duty to myself.
Henrik Ibsen
I woke in the night at about 1.30 and couldn’t get back to sleep my
mind a maelstrom of fearful thoughts, anxieties concerning the problems to come,
fears that I will not be able to help my brother in law. I am worried as he has
not seen these apartments, what if he does not like them, despite all the
facilities they are smaller than the ones he has now. I feel as though soon I
will loose what is left of my life as I can feel my illnesses gathering momentum
in addition to feeling responsible for so many people. I have no one to confide
in although I do of course talk to my husband and son or perhaps a better way to
put it: I complain and bemoan my lot. I used to confide in my sister and
she in me. I miss my sister so much. I have no one to share the good things, as few as
they may be, as well as the bad although both my husband and son live with me it
is not the same as they of course know from first hand experience and have
problems of their own. I need
someone with whom to share all the ups and downs well mostly downs right now. I
need someone removed by the problem and now there is no one.
I cannot get over the fact that my sister has gone and
the world does indeed still feel empty and I only wish that both she and Mike
were coming here together and than things could have been so different.
Sometimes I am in a state of denial it still seems so unreal. I thought we would
face old age together she and I both so fearful of death.
I was hoping to live this last few years before real old
age sets in in a state of relative peace now that my husband does not have to go
to work, at least not for a while and hopefully not at all. But no since moving
here I feel as though I am the inhabitant of some hell realm where nothing will
go right no matter how hard I try. Also in addition to my OCD and other related
illnesses my life seems no longer my own and somehow I am expected to do things
that a person who is as comparatively ill as I but in a physical way would not for one moment be
expected to do.
The dreams we had of walking in the hills, enjoying our
freedom from the confines and dictates of my husband having to work for a barely
liveable wage seem now so elusive. Being together to enjoy activities reserved
for those older than we seems a long way away now as nothing appears to have
gone as we anticipated. Yes we get to visit the many scenic places here but life
is far from the idyll we had perceived. I thought I would get well now that I
would not be left in the house all day alone. I hoped to make friends and become
involved in all sorts of social activities. After all I had reasoned people here are more friendly and consequently my social phobia would not be quite
such a problem. However the fact is indeed quite the opposite, as my life seems
overwhelmed by my unhappiness resulting from the loss of my sister, the increase
in my OCD, social phobia, depression and the many physical maladies too numerous
to mention. And of course there is the all consuming guilt concerning my son and
the miserable turn his life has taken and the overwhelming feelings of
responsibility for the well being of my brother- in - law and indeed my
husband who seems to feel very insecure since being made redundant.
And now despite the fact that I am at present not alone
during the day my OCD is getting worse. I used to think if my husband was at
home all day it would be easier to cope with my OCD. Hey I even thought that I
would actually get over it! But no, it is getting worse and now I do not have
the strength anymore to cope with it again without back up from a mental health
professional. I will never recover from my OCD now and the future at present
seems bleak. I really do feel so lost at the present time.
February 3rd.
The pain is unrelenting; one does not abandon,
even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.
William Styron
Well today there was a welcome respite as for the first time since Christmas
we actually went out into those hills that I mentioned earlier, the hills being
the Yorkshire dales .It was a fairly pleasant day and I did feel a little better
than I have done for a while although I was very reluctant to go feeling very
low yet again. It was really quite a spring like day and as such very pleasant
indeed. I would like to add only positive stuff but sadly such is never the case
as no matter were I am OCD rears its ugly head along with all the other
miserable maladies it has spawned. Such trips out are not easy, having IBS and
irritable bladder necessitate the need for using a toilet many times when these
conditions are severe and of course today was one of those days. Using public
toilets is a nightmare for me with my contamination OCD because of all the
rituals already mentioned in another entry and at the risk of being repetitive,
boring and long winded I will not go into details again here.
Such trips out into the dales and other similar places
bring an unusual manifestation of my OCD. Now with OCD there are general
manifestations of the illness such as contamination OCD, checking OCD,
scrupulosity and hoarding to name just a few. However within these general
categories everyone’s OCD has its own personalised characteristics. OCD seems to
know how it can best destroy your life by becoming focused upon whatever means
the most to us in our lives; the things that make our lives worth living it
attacks and destroys. As though it has a life of it’s own OCD centres upon
our individual pleasures, interests, job, family, religion, our likes and
dislikes our entire life, it appears to home in on the best way it can find to
ruin your entire existence. It is trying to do this now with this endeavour with
my website but somehow I will not let it. Mostly new activities start out okay
and despite all the trauma of my life for a while I feel some satisfaction and
than the OCD comes along and ruins everything. Such as in the case of this
website my OCD tried to make it impossible by flooding my mind with doubts,
mostly about what I have written, causing exhausting and time consuming
compulsions, such as the checking of material for the site, particularly written
material, and causing endless anxiety about content and so on. If you have OCD
you will know where I am coming from, if you do not than if you read all the
copious writing from myself you might get the idea of what it is like and how
destructive it is - at least in theory. However unless you suffer this insidious
malady I do not ever really think you can feel the pain, hopelessness and
despair that we as sufferers experience.
Now on trips out into the country such as the one today
OCD of course presents its usual contamination fears such as concerns about
toilets and also the fear of contamination by dogs and other animals but mostly
dogs, also fears of travelling are among many of the all time regular torments.
However other anxieties become apparent and a combination of a checking type
ritual and scrupulosity manifests itself in a way that may be peculiar for me
but I guess if you have a similar personality the same could happen to you if
you have OCD. Now for any one who does not live here in the UK the Yorkshire
dales and indeed many of these wild places here in the northeast are given over
to sheep farming and sheep wander freely through the hills, dales, moors and
mountains along with many confined in fields in the many farms in the region.
Now it is my understanding that if a sheep falls over on to it’s side there are
many occasions when it will not be able to get up and after only an hour it will
die. So if we see a sheep in distress like this we try and right it. Yes even I
would do this with my OCD because the fear of causing harm in this instance by
neglect overwhelms the contamination OCD, however of course it would be a
frantic rush home to change, shower and wash and disinfect my cloths but I would
not leave any animal to die not even a dog as the guilt would be my undoing and
beside I as a person, the real me not the OCD respects the right of life for
all beings and I mean all beings including insects.
Now to assist a sheep or any other animal in danger of
death or harm of course would be the right thing to do, at least for a caring
sensitive person who has the belief that all creatures have a right to life. So
this action would not be abnormal. However the thinking behind it for an OCDer such
as myself is, and also the overwhelming burden of guilt that accompanies feeling
of anxieties similar to those already discussed in earlier entries is due to the OCDers
over sense of responsibility. Now this
anxiety and guilt is precipitated by the fear that one may cause harm by neglect. This
produces a form of scrupulosity OCD and consequently brings with it a compulsion that
is a type of OCD checking. Often as we drive along the road I have the notion
that I can see a sheep in this predicament and often I insist that we turn back
just to check. Now sometimes we have driven for several miles and turned back
and found that I had been mistaken and this has occurred on the A1 where it was
some miles distance to travel to turn back. Most times it has simply been my
imagination and the sheep has been okay, sometimes it has not even been a sheep
but just a large rock. There have also been occasions when I have noticed
that a sheep has not looked well and I have had to go to the farm to let the
farmer know. Both my husband and son for reasons I don’t understand feel awkward
about doing so. Yet I have to do this despite my fear of contamination, social
phobia and generally feeling embarrassed. It can be quite an ordeal, yet my sense
of responsibility is just too powerful. It is of course yet again not a bad
thing but the fear and anxiety generated is indeed detrimental. Mostly farmers
are grateful but there have been some false alarms when red on the sheep’s back
has not been blood but simply a brand. Somewhere deep inside I knew this but
could not rid myself of the notion that the sheep was hurt and likewise I have
known that there was not a sheep on it’s back but still we had to turn back just
to be sure otherwise I would be haunted by my guilt. Such of course spoils our
trips out and often I find myself mentally checking sheep whenever we stop or
conversely not looking at them afraid I will imagine one is in a predicament of
some sort.
Notwithstanding such difficulties once we stop somewhere
and have established that the sheep are okay I do so appreciate the peace and
quite and calming atmosphere of these wild rugged places. Both my husband and I
have an affinity for sheep, such gentle creatures never harming anyone or
anything excepting the mildest of confrontation with other sheep. Yes it is my
husband who has taken all those photos of sheep that are included in the gallery
section of this website:
see
John’s page. Sorry if this
website seems rather nepotistic as most of the contributors in the gallery are
family and friends. I would really love to change this and include the creative
work of other sufferers but as of yet I have had very few people send me
graphics of artwork or literary
contributions or other examples of creativity. So if you are readying this and
you have such a skill, please send in something. Also autobiographical accounts
of your life as a sufferer of any mantel illness would be just wonderful and
would make a change from all my rabbit rabbit rabbit
J. I do believe that most of us
have the potential for creativity, admittedly some of it may not be suitable for
a website, such as musical talent which an OCD pen pal of mine has, but if that is
the case write an account of your talent and how it helps you cope with your
illness. So do not be shy lets show the world that there is a positive side to
our personalities. See also
ocd-uk's
positives
section for more examples OCD of creativity.
February 4th
If you think too much and fail to take action, fear
makes its home within you.
Anonymous
I rarely now shop for cloths as I have seemingly lost interest however one
has to wear something and when from necessity I have to do so it is a very
difficult task indeed. I have not tried on any garment in a shop now for years as I feel as
though I might contaminate it as I can never feel satisfied that I am clean, and
as a consequence I will have to than buy whatever clothing I have tried on, so really there is no point whatsoever of putting
myself through this misery if I end up purchasing the garment anyway. Mostly I
buy things a size too big just in case it does not fit. When I get home I wait
until I have had a shower before trying on the garment telling myself that if it
does not fit or it does not look quite right I can take it back. However I have
never done so yet even after showering and washing my hair I still cannot take
the clothing back to the shop and end up keep it anyway. Hey! no wonder I do not like to
shop anymore, who would, it’s a real misery. Also if I can tell that someone has
previously tried on a garment I will not buy it. If it is something I really
want I might buy it but wash it first before wearing it. Or if it has been made
in another country I will wash it first. Now please do not take offence if
anyone one from elsewhere reads this, it is just the way I am concerning
contamination from virulent diseases which do not occur here in the UK so no
offence intended. Please realise it’s just my OCD.
Now today I made a stand of sorts against this and tried
on a coat. But I really felt so anxious. It was not what I wanted but I did not
feel as I could buy it anyway as I often do. Oh how I wished I had not now tried it on in the
first place as such unnecessary OCD driven expenditures are difficult and filled
with guilt-ridden ruminations as we are not very well off. There again is that
awful moral dilemma. It was the first time in many years since I have tried on anything and
not bought it. I recall advice from a fellow sufferer some years ago who was
helping me with my OCD. She was taking a course based upon gestalt therapy,
see my
book, and she was counselling me as part
of her course, this had been arranged by my GP. Now one of her most useful
suggestions was her advice in such situations: If she had tried on a coat and it
was not suitable she would try on several more as quickly as possible. Her
reasoning was that she would not be able to afford to buy them all, knowing this
prevented her from buying the one she originally tired on as it would now be
pointless as she had “contaminated” them all. Not the answer I know but
nonetheless a quick fix solution to prevent anxiety or paying for something that
she could not afford.
Unfortunately this time this tactic did not have quite
the mitigating affect that it usually had although of course I rarely used it as
it seemed somewhat selfish from an OCD perspective to deliberately "contaminate"
cloths other’s would buy just to ease my anxiety. When this method of coping was
first suggested it had worked well for a good number of years but now the anxiety
mitigated by this is replaced with guilty feelings. However I
managed to try on a few coats, so I would feel less anxious, albeit guilty,
before such considerations took hold and believe me you have to be quick and
mentally fight of the intrusive thoughts or at lease attempt to because I can
never stop a thought from arising.
Unfortunately however one of the coats had a rather
peculiar smell, a chemical type of odour, which my mind immediately construed as
toxic! I felt this was some kind of karmic comeuppance for the heinous deed of
trying on coats simply to pacify my anxiety and cancel out the compulsion to buy
a coat that I neither liked nor could afford. Again I felt so victimised as if this
unfortunate occurrence had been orchestrated somehow to bring about my downfall
and increase the recently spiralling downwards trend in my ability to cope. I
mean to say of all the coats I could have selected I had to select this one! I
just couldn’t believe my misfortune. Sometimes one feels as though the entire
universe has been organised simply to make ones life a misery. Silly! Yes of
course deep down I know this, but it’s rather like the way most of us think when
life seems to be on a downward trend and increasingly dire things keep turning
up: why me!. How often do we hear people say: What have I done to deserve this? I of
course went home immediately and changed and washed my cloths but for the first
time in a long while and unlike similar seriously contamination induced panics, I did not
shower.
February 6th.
My loneliness was born when men
praised my talkative faults and blamed my silent virtues.
Kahlil Gibran
Today was another of the computer club’s meetings and one which was even more of
an ordeal than previously. My social phobia seems to be getting
increasingly worse. Now I say social phobia however I have never had a formal
diagnosis and although I did undergo therapy whilst I was with the therapy group many
years ago the term social phobia as such or indeed any other classification was
never used to refer to my social inhibitions. In those days and even today
mental health professionals are often reluctant to label patients. Why I have no
idea. Furthermore in my personal experience certain mental health professionals
have their own ideas and seem not to work within a set framework of diagnosis
and treatment. Not that this is altogether a detriment and it can be a benefit
in fact as the range of treatment available becomes less limited. Most people
however prefer to have a diagnosis, it gives them something to focus on and to
relate to and it certainly helps if one wishes to undertake ones own research
into the disorder that is seriously destroying one’s life. I could of course
have avoidant personality disorder as I have symptoms of this disorder, a
disorder that is often confused with social phobia. Perhaps I have both. I have
even considered that I may have some form of Asperger's Syndrome, but sufferers
of this disorder tend not to be empathic and are consequently unaware of the
feelings of others. This certainly does not describe how I am and is incongruous
with the powerful empathic feelings resulting perhaps from my OCD. Suffice it to
say that I have serious social anxiety problems which cause the social hang-ups
that have rendered me a lonely person who dreads social contact with others but
conversely feels depressed by an inability to function in society, to make
friends and participate in all manner of social situations which not only effect
ones relationships but ones ability to function in society. This includes areas
such as education and employment or even simple day-to-day necessities as
walking into a shop or making an enquiry and lately even to answer the
telephone. Yes indeed one can be very isolated by social phobia which is the
term I will use to describe my social inhibitions.
We were rather late today and had to knock on the door,
which was locked, a sad and somewhat depressing sign of the times when a
community centre involved in education has to be locked during the daytime. This
time I tell my husband in no uncertain terms that he must enter first. He is a
quiet person but does not have the kind of social inhibitions as I but at times
nonetheless he is very hesitant about making an enquiry. Sometimes we as social phobics fail to realise that the problem is quite common particularly amongst
younger people. Often times when I feel I have been snubbed by someone I get
very sensitive and upset not to mention irritated however I need to keep in mind
sometimes that perhaps this person who seems to be not at all friendly and
standoffish may also have Social phobia! Also other people have problems and
may not feel much like talking either, particularly to someone who is shy and
does not make for easy relaxed conversation.
Today was difficult to the extreme there was virtually no
planned lesson of such and for most of the time the members of the group were
left to engage in some very provocative conversations which really rattled me
and made me feel so alienated. Often I think I have very little in common with
anyone feeling so in the minority concerning certain established social opinions; I
will not go into detail as such is irrelevant at least for now The title of
Robert Heinlein’s science fiction novel “A Stranger in a Strange Land” nicely
describes how I feel for most of the time. I feel as though I simply do not fit
in as few share my opinions, my philosophy, or political ideology or indeed much
of anything! So I stand there quietly panicking, feeling conspicuous and
awkward, wanting to say something but not able to fight off the hesitancy to do
so and knowing that I will blush profusely if I attempt to speak when inevitably
all eyes will turn to look at me. Such group conversations of this type are much
worse than a one to one. I experience the usual lump in my throat, it becoming
very constricted and my heart palpitating from both anxiety and
irritation. Sometimes the world seems such a hostile place and people express
the most outrageous opinions without much awareness of how it may affect others.
However such may not seem outrageous to them. Perhaps I am too sensitive.
Later on I just seem incapable of opening my mouth at all
and that sudden awkward awful eye contact moment with another member of the
group, the kind I mentioned before which I know means that this person feels
awkward in my presence knowing that something is not quite right, made feel more
uncomfortable. Now these people are very pleasant with one another, they are a
great bunch of people in fact and I know they would be friendly enough with me also
if given the opportunity, but I feel so uncomfortable and felt more strongly than
ever that I do not wish to return, much for the benefit of the group than for
myself. I feel I spoil the amicable atmosphere.
When the subject is computers and there is structured
tuition I am not so tense as I feel less conspicuous but when it turns into a
social club well I really freak out so much so in fact that I this time I used my
headaches as an excuse and we went home. It was a fairly legitimate excuse, I
did have a headache but I would have stuck it out had the circumstances been
different. This type of situation causes me so much depression as I simply want
to be like others. No I do not wish to share the same opinions I simply want to
be less affected by the opinions of others and less tense about expressing mine
or indeed less tense in any social situation. There is not one social situation
in which I feel comfortable not one except in my own home with my husband and
son and even there there are the odd moments of awkwardness. Well at least
finally there are now bolts on the toilet doors.
February 8th
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Arthur Somers Roche
I have lost my pills!!!!! My pain
killers the ones I take for tension headaches, they don't really work but when
the pain is severe it takes the edge off it ever so slightly. I carry them in my
handbag in case I need them when I am away from home. I check and check over and
over when I am out that I have not lost them, that they have not fallen out. The
fear is that if this happens a child or an animal may see them and eat
them......... This worry has concerned and frightened me now for so many years
along with the compulsion to pick up discarded empty pill packets in the street
that others have littered the ground with even if I can see that the packet is
empty or that the packet in fact contains sweets. Today I checked them before
leaving the house and they were not there, the zipper compartment of my bag was
undone. I looked everywhere, in the carrier bags we had taken taken out, in my
coat pockets, in the car, everywhere even in the most unlikely places. I was
beside myself with anxiety, where on earth could they be, I am always so
careful. We had not been out for a couple of days, they could be anywhere and
now if would be futile to revisit the places we had been and search, for it
would be in vain. The last place we had visited was the cinema and by now
someone for good or ill had picked them up and there would be nothing I could
do. When I know that something is beyond my power to change my anxiety subsides
although the fear remains that this incident of course will increase my checking
compulsion.
Did this free me from my torment? No! I suddenly
recalled the carrier bags where in the dustbin, the carrier bags I had been
searching through were not the ones we had taken with us. It was likely that my
pills had fallen into one of these so I could not ignore them just because they
were in the rubbish bin outside. I had had to place my handbag in a carrier bag
because it had fallen on the floor of the car and I had needed to wash it
feeling that it was contaminated. To prevent other things becoming contaminated
by my "dirty" handbag I had put it into one of these plastic carrier bags until
I could reuturn home to clean it. Talk about a nightmare of complex proportion,
so many obsessions and compulsions intermixing forming a complex web of misery
and frustration from which it is so difficult to extricate myself.
Now I had not had a panic over a compulsion to
empty the dustbin since we have moved to the north east. A few years ago I
recall emptying the dustbin on many occasions on a bitterly cold day in my
dressing gown driven by the thought that I had accidentally thrown away my
medication or even that I had thrown way the empty packet which I thought might
harm an animal rummaging round in the rubbish when it arrives at the dump. Yes I
worried even about the diseased ridden rat! As even a microscopic particle on
the discarded packet I reasoned to be a hazard and I never throw away even the
empty packets. Many mornings at first light I would be meticulously rummaging
through the dustbin, cold, tearful and embarrassed as our garden was over looked
by a two story block of offices! Notwithstanding such embarrassment which can
sometimes prevent me from carrying out even quite overwhelming compulsions I
couldn't resist the compulsion to search though all the rubbish even if it had
been there for days! I would of cause be anxious about contamination and that is
why I did this in my dressing gown before showering so that I could shower and
wash my cloths immediately afterwards. Unless you suffer similarly you
cannot image how I suffer as yet again obsessions and compulsions collide and
complex rituals are performed to try and comply with the opposing obsessions and
compulsion that threaten to overwhelm me and take my sanity. Somehow my mind
find a way to pacify them all and finds some equilibrium with these destructive
and opposing forces. Nonetheless is at such great cost to my wellbeing.
I planned to search the bin the next day as I was already
dressed and couldn't face yet another shower. The next day at first light I
planned to search the bin but found that my husband had done this for me. He
assures me he went over everything with a fine tooth comb and the pills are not
there. Three times he has searched. I trust him albeit with some misgivings and
I ask him over and over, did he examine every thing thoroughly, not just the
carrier bags but everything, the entire bin and not just the one sack on the
top. Over and over I ask the same questions but nonetheless I allow this to pass
and do not search the bin myself. Many would say that my husband actions are
enabling, the term psychologists use. However when you' re as ill as I am and
are receiving no treatment some times such enabling is an enormous help towards
relieving this burden of misery and making it just that bit easier for me to
cope, at least for now. The same occurs when cooking, if I did not have someone
to help me cook most of the food would end up in the bin as intrusive thoughts
would convince me that it was contaminated in one way or another. I do of course
realise that it is not the real solution and just a temporary salve for a
painful and chronic wound.
February 12th
For as long as men massacre animals,
they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seed of murder and pain
cannot reap joy and love.
Pythagoras
I really feel so upset this morning. Now I regularly sign petitions concerning
all manner of injustices and against all kinds of cruelty. This morning I came
across a partition against the slaughter of seals which will take place soon .
Stop Canada’s Cruel and Senseless Seal Hunt! Petition
Now I am utterly shocked that such wicked acts can be
callously carried out against these tiny defenceless animals, which are barely a
few months old. They will are clubbed to death, over I million of them. The
thought saddens me as does the thought of all the cruelty that takes place in
this world, cruelty towards both animals and our fellow men. I feel as though I
am overwhelmed by not only the barbarity of such an act but the fact that there
are people capable of perpetrating such acts which I deem evil; yes evil there
simply is no other word to describe such an heinous deed. And what for, profit!
What right have we to harm other creatures? Yes I know I am naive, yes I do know
the atrocities that take place on a huge scale day in and day out since the dawn
of time and yes all cruelty and violence shocks and upsets me. I prefer not to
watch the news as such can sadden me and I am often so overwhelmed by the
suffering of all creatures both man and animal.
Yes I may be over sensitive but hey, what’s so wrong with
that! Sometimes it's right to cry and be depressed by suffering even if it does
compound our own. Often as a sufferer of OCD I imagine that if it were suddenly
taken away I would be okay, there would be no more fear or depression, no more
time consuming compulsions driven by unrelenting obsessions. I would be free!
Free to enjoy life. Sometimes however I need to remind myself that this would
not be the case. If by some miracle my OCD and other maladies were eradicated I
would still suffer in some way; I would not live a life of bliss. After all how
can one be truly happy when all around others suffer? And I need to remind
myself from time to time that for reasons such as the suffering of these seals,
and indeed for universal suffering, that yes sometimes it is appropriate to be
sad, to cry and to be depressed. And this morning I fight back the tears at the
very thought of this cruel slaughter.
February 17th
There was something really odd about my green pepper, when I cut it open
there was earth inside – well that is what it looked like but how did it get
inside, was it in fact soil or something more ominous, but what? Also inside all
the seeds were this odd black colour as though it had rotted from within. Now that
small voice of logic, and believe me it is small and inconsequential,
tells me its nothing much to concern myself with, just throw it in the bin but the OCD says otherwise. I
freak I mean I really freak out. Of course no one would eat it! Most people
would simply toss it in the bin and use another pepper from the packet. Not as
simple if you have OCD. Thoughts flooded my mind that this was some really toxic
dangerous substance although of an undetermined nature. Fears
crowded my mind: was this a possible threat to my self and family or the local
council tip rat and other creatures, which may forage amongst discarded refuse?
I could not simply throw it in the dustbin should some creature die! I did not
know what to do with it but cautiously took it to the toilet tore it up very
carefully not allowing any of it near my clothing and flushed it down the
toilet. It took three trips from the kitchen to the bathroom to do this; unless
you suffer from OCD you have no idea just how anxiety provoking such situations
are and how I am so overwhelmed with feelings of responsibility. Despite the
painful precautions already mentioned I than, yet again had to change my cloths
although I had warn them for only two hours. I was just so afraid they would be
contaminated by this mysterious substance. I could not of course use any of the
other peppers from the same bag
Fedruary18th
My Bonsai tree has died so why is it still occupying a place in the
windowsill of my kitchen, a sad reminder that perhaps it was somehow my fault.
Now I know it is dead, it’s past redemption and it is no good leaving it there
to see if the leaves return in spring! Yes that is my excuse to leave it there
just in case – just in case it is not really dead. Well that is what OCD is all
about doubt, yes even when it is as plain on the nose of your face. I doubt that
it is dead despite all evidence to the contrary. It is just a niggling doubt,
but nonetheless powerful buried deep within underneath the more rational logic
that tells me it is dead. I have been along to shops that sell bonsai and have
checked the species to see if it is deciduous and therefore the loss of leaves
is a normal consequence of winter. And no it is not, the plant is evergreen but
still I doubt and the plant will therefore sit on my windowsill until way way
into spring. The fear of coursing harm as I have said before causes me so much
pain even if I harm a plant. I just feel so ill inside in a way not easy to
describe and I can’t throw it away. I also have a fern, a huge tropical fern
that takes over a good proportion of the sitting room, it too does not look
healthy and I worry. Yes I worry about a plant and I feel as though it is my
fault. Guilt is a huge problem for me and fuels the raging fires of my OCD and
incapacitates me rendering me unable to stand up for myself for fear of causing
harm even when others have harmed me. And yes people most certainly take
advantage.
February 19th
The most
important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the
most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential
thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.
The Olympic Creed.
I might be up at the crack of dawn - well way before as the
drawn chorus here in late winter of course dawn does not arrive until well
after 7 am - but I dread getting dressed and today is no exception. My OCD
rituals in the bathroom are increasing: repetitive hand washing in between the
various stages of my washing routine, tap washing, sink washing and even washing
the soap! And that is all before actually entering the shower where another set
of frustrating time wasting and demoralising rituals begin. I have suffered this
way for so long and really know no other life now having really only vague
memories of my younger days when the condition was not so severe and I was much
more free than I am now. But I have forgotten what it feels like not to be bound
by these obsessions and compulsions. I have no idea what it feels like to wake
in anticipation of some exciting or long anticipated pleasant event. Not even
holidays as they are indeed so stressful as the OCD fears destroy any
expected pleasure I image may occur. Although I welcome a break away from
my life here holidays are nonetheless very anxiety filled and can be indeed most
miserable and sometimes even anticipated with terrifying dread. I do not recall
either what its like not to wake up filled with fear riddled tormenting
scenarios of possible disastrous and worrying events, worrying events which loom
large on the horizon in the early hours, events that would probably be of no consequence for the
non sufferer or at the very least they would perhaps not feel so overwhelming. I
cannot recall what it is like not to wake with ruminative guilty thoughts and
their accompanying feelings, much like those experienced in the episodes of existential terror that
also are more prevalent upon awaking, as thoughts that come to me of how I
have ruined my son’s life by moving here. My son is really so depressed now, riddled
with anxiety and certain obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Neither can I
remember what it is like not to be driven from one’s bed because of aching limbs,
joints, headaches and a permanent stiff neck all of which are always more painful upon
waking and are relieved somewhat only by getting up.
Now I do not want anyone to think that I do not make an
effort and that I only dwell upon the negative. Yes most of the time I do, OCD
is not something one can easily set aside and get on with one’s life because it
is a part of my life, in fact is virtually all my life. It has overwhelmed my
personality and affected everything without exception, every conceivable part of
my life eventually succumbs to the relentless attacks of OCD. But I do try, all
my life I have tried to remedy my situation. The struggle is getting harder and
the depression more pervasive and debilitating but nonetheless I try. This
website is one such attempt. Sometimes I feel horrified that I have revealed so
much of my self so publicly about matters that in my real time associations I
would most certainly never reveal. And it is indeed becoming increasingly
difficult not to flounder and give up and give in to the OCD which makes it very
difficult indeed with all the doubts, fears ,compulsions and obsessions that
naturally intrude in this activity as they do in all my endeavours. But I try
and short of some devastating circumstance I hope to continue to try. Designing
and creating this website has taken my mind off some of my worries, not all but
it has helped me to do this in the early hours of the morning rather then lie in
bed. One thing I try to do is to notice times in my life when little things go right just for a
change. I think it is a good idea for all sufferers of any illness to just make
notes when something does go right even if its only little things, such as the
other day getting a parking space close to the city centre straight the way. I
was not at all well with quite a nasty headache and the walk from the
farther car park would have not been welcomed at all. But there it was this
space, such a rarity here, right in front of us as my husband drove onto the car
park. And I said to him you know its only a little thing but we should become
more aware of such positive occurrences as they help to mitigate the awful
feeling we have sometimes that everything is dreadful and that nothing at all
ever goes right!
I should not really be rambling on like this frantically
typing its dreadful for my neck, it might relieve my soul of its burden but it is
not doing my neck good,
February 20th
Just remember that the darkest night did not turn out all the
stars.
Louis L. Mann.
People have really hurt me lately yet because of my OCD I
feel incapable of retaliating or even telling them how I feel. Sometimes such
hurts have not been caused deliberately however I have no idea which are
deliberate and which are not. Furthermore I feel so anxious not to expose whom
or why should any of those concerned read this. The fear of causing harm is so
acute now I feel incapacitated by it. It is indeed so frustrating as I really
want to reflect in this journal what my life is really like, how I see the world
from the perspective of a sufferer of OCD and other disorders and how I relate
to the people and circumstances that confront me within my life. And yet if I
cannot relate my experiences for fear of hurting another’s feelings or whatever
I do not feel that my writing will truly reflect my life. Yet having said that
the thought comes to me that the fact that I cannot always do this does indeed
in itself reflect an aspect of my life and how my OCD prevents me from doing just about anything and
everything that I try to accomplish within my life from creating this website
site to washing my cloths.
Hey it's snowing!!!!!! Just looked out of the window.7.30
Sunday morning and it's snowing really snowing, a blizzard! I am like a child again.
Yes the snow lifts my spirits, lightens my mood I just love love love it1 Crazy
, I am a middle age women but it is one of the few pleasures in my life and this year I
thought we were not going to get any.
February 21st
Most of the time I don't have much
fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen
Its 5.19 and it's snowing fast and heavy, huge flakes of snow! I really find it
exhilarating but also calming, a contradiction I know but it gives me a lift and
takes my mind off the misery of my existence. It does however bring problems,
there is always a fly in the ointment . I suppose there is for everyone as
nothing nice lasts for ever, all pleasure deteriorates either into pain and
unhappiness at the worse or simply gradually diminishes into the routine and
mundane. The problem however with those like myself who suffer with OCD and
other anxiety disorders is that we are less able to cope with these flies and
they seem bigger and to our perception appear to swarm in greater numbers. The
worry with the snow is a normal one, however I cannot cope with such the way
normal people can and what is a niggling worry to a person who does not suffer
in this way is a huge problem which takes on a nightmare proportion to the OCD
sufferer.. My brother-in-law's bed is to be delivered to morrow to his new home,
however if the weather is bad with heavy snow will the delivery take
place........ He is disabled and has difficulty walking so he needs his bed
which is at a suitable height for him to get in and out of easily. We would of
course lend him our put-you-up but this is low to the ground and would be
difficult for him. Also if the snow is like this nest week when he makes the
journey from his old home their could be problems. So as you see all pleasure
however insignificant soon turns into pain for the OCDer. Nothing lasts
either happiness or sorrow except for me the sorrow appears to last longer and
often the happiness is fleeting and always spoiled by OCD.
Wow it really is coming down now its really quite a
significant blizzard I would
think I need to stop typing here and enjoy the moment as such are so ephemeral.
February 22nd.
Well the bed did arrive safely for my brother-in-law. And his apartments are
just great, fully equipped for a disabled person. He has two rooms, a sitting
room and bedroom, both are a good size and the light from the large bay windows
makes the place feel really light and airy, far better than the dull gloomy
accommodation in which he lives at present filled with sad memories of my late
sister. He also has an open plan kitchen and a good-sized bathroom with a shower
with facilities for a disabled person. There is a communal lounge, a restaurant,
even a bar, a laundry room and shop.. But he has neither seen these apartments
nor has he seen the town in which they are situated. He has made the decision to
leave his former home and live here based upon the advice of my husband and I.
I am so anxious, so afraid that he may not like it and that when he does arrive
that because of the severity of my illnesses I will not be able to do much for
him. The thoughts haunt me especially in those frightening early hours I so
often talk about when my fears overwhelm me. I have serious misgivings. My
husband and I arranged all of this for my brother-in - law with the very best of
intentions nonetheless I feel so responsible should things turn out badly for
him. There are carers there round the clock and having met some of them I have
no worries that he will not be well looked after. All seem so friendly and
compassionate. But oh I worry this may not be what he wants. He is fortunate as
there are at the present time few facilities such as this in the country they
are run by social services and they are indeed a credit to our social care
system in this country. Notwithstanding his good fortune he may not be happy as
such is a matter of perspective.
Feb 23nd.
I am doomed to an eternity of
compulsive work. No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal.
The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless.
Bette
Davis.
Well yet again it is the early hours of the morning and it is snowing thick
and fast, it is the most snow that we have had since our arrival here two and
half years ago. It is the last cold snap before spring I would imagine but who
knows there may be more to come the weather here is now so unpredictable. It is
not so easy to believe in global warming this morning however by all accounts
from the locals who have lived here all their lives this is nothing, absolutely
nothing compared to the type of weather that was experienced here only a couple
of decades or so ago when the snowed stayed for weeks, and double decker buses
were buried. A neighbour who has lived here for over thirty years tells me how
they had to dig their way to the local school to bring the kids home as snow
fell think and heavy piling quickly into enormous accumulations that make recent
falls pale in comparison.. Along the roads that lead into the Durham dales there
are poles over seven feet tall which locals tell us that in times pasts would be
buried under huge accumulations of snow. Another local tells of how people had
to dig their way out of their homes as their the doors were completely buried in
snow.
Must stop once again to enjoy a few pleasant moments of
watching the snow drifting past my window, it is soothing and relatively
peaceful in these early hours. I can’t even hear the factory this morning and
the traffic, which is few and far between passes by at a more leisurely pace.
Sometimes these early hours (after the initial torments upon waking become less severe) can be the best parts of the day when just
for a couple of hours or so I can work on the computer or practice my Tai chi if
I feel up to it or, as I am going to try to do today, simply stop and watch the snow.
Sometimes we do have to try and stop even if only momentary and find some
respite from the turmoil from within or from the obsession driven tasks that we
relentlessly compel ourselves to complete. Such tasks may not necessary be in
the nature of OCD as such but rather in the sense that we as sufferers are compulsively
driven towards striving to accomplish sometimes seemingly positive goals to a
state of perfection, setting ourselves impossible tasks and often not being
satisfied with what we have achieved despite the odds that we face. You know no
matter how much I achieve at the end of the day I am never satisfied. Yes it
takes me longer to do anything because of my OCD but surely recognising this I
should just occasionally pat myself on the back instead of indulging myself in
feelings of dissatisfaction because of perceived under accomplishment. I am not
entirely sure that nowadays that this is just an OCD thing. Everyone seems
similarly driven to some degree, pervasive dissatisfaction appears to be the lot
of many people these days, particularly of people here in the west. The only
difference is that we as sufferers of OCD may perhaps be more aware of what is
happening than non sufferers.
February 24th
A mind not to be changed by place or time;
The mind is in it’s own place,
And in itself
Can make a heav’n of hell,
A hell of heav’n
John Milton Paradise lost
Again it’s snowing, it has not stopped all night, is it ever going to stop.
Yes my whole perspective had changed and all within the briefest of moments.
What I was enjoying yesterday, at least to the extent that anyone can with the
problems I have, now has turned into a misery and my heart this morning is heavy
with depression and the uplifting and calming feelings of the previous morning
have been replaced by a pervasive sadness. Last night on TV were pictures of
sheep whose coasts hung heavy with snow, sad dejected looking creatures trying
to feed from bundles of hay also heavily covered with snow. In an instant all my
personally perceived benefits of the inclement weather vanished as the
realisation dawned that these sheep and indeed other farm animals and creatures
in the wild will have a fight for survival and over night suffer an appalling
misery as snow falls relentlessly from the sky, the wind whipping it into
enormous snow drifts in such hilly high wild places as the North York moors, the
Yorkshire dales, the Durham dales, Cumbria, and Scotland. A lot of people say
that sheep and other creatures are used to it. How do they know? All creatures
suffer, all are aware that they sufferer, how can anyone really doubt that
Yes I am of course sad for people too however most of us
have somewhere to shelter. Of course there are exceptions and naturally those
who are homeless will also be at risk from exposure and possible death at the
worse and at the very lest an appalling misery difficult to imagine. I woke this
morning very depressed and now as I type watching the snow as it is falling
relentlessly from the sky I feel really anxious and overwhelmed by my new
perspective. Naturally of course I had realised this previously but this
realisation had remained more in the background until these picture bought it
vividly to the fore. Moreover I also realise that my enjoying the snow will not
make a scrap of difference to the situation for either good or ill and usually
this rationale works but not this time, I now can’t stop thinking of the sheep
and other creatures exposed to the full forces of this blizzard, a blizzard
unlike any I have seen in at least a couple of decades.
As I lay in bed this morning, having woken again just
after 3am, my mind was drawn to a time long before my arrival here. The area in
which I now live was up until the nineteen seventies intensively mined for coal.
And until relatively recent times conditions of working were awful.
Notwithstanding improved working conditions the thought saddens me that many men
had to spend their precious lives under the earth and during the long dark days
of winter probably rarely seeing the light of day. My neighbour tells us of coal
seams that were barely a two feet high and how men had to crawl along such seams
in the darkness, their way lit only by small miner's lamps. My previous
neighbour who had lived here all her life told us how miners had to strip off
and wade through water in order to gain access to the mine. There is a memorial
book in the Cathedral listing the names of all those who died in the inevitable
accidents which occurred. One name stands out and that is of a boy only nine
years old. His precious life gone in the days when children worked along side
adults, times which at least in our modern society have long since past decades
ago. However I am reminded of the many children in other parts of the world who
continue to be so exploited. I try to avoid this area in the cathedral now as it
makes me sad and living in the area accentuates my awareness and I often think
what it must have been like to go down into these black pits for pits is of
course the term used to refer to these mines which are scattered all over the
North East, most of which are thankfully not mined nowadays And on days like to
day I think of what it must have been like the snow adding a new dimension of
misery. How on earth could anyone be happy with such a life?
Thankfully those days have passed and perhaps one should
not dwell on unpleasant thoughts however of course if you suffer from OCD you
have very little control of your thoughts and it is very difficult indeed
to dismiss such ruminations and during times when the depression feels more
profound such thoughts often some to haunt me. I recall many years ago during a
bad time with my OCD how I genuinely cried when hearing a commentary on the
radio about Robbie Burns, Scotland’s national poet, who died in his thirties and
how on on the day of his death his wife gave birth. I recall actually crying, I
mean seriously crying, as it felt so sad. You know I am starting to cry now, I
guess I am naturally melancholic - at least it feels natural to me as I have
always been this way and there is a pervasive and underlying depression which
varies only in its intensity for it never now goes away entirely.
Oh I really am an old misery I know but these are the
kind of thoughts that haunt me and only extensive mind consuming activities will
mitigate them but of course this again depends on the degree, some things in
life are just so awful that nothing will ease them and sometimes I have to
simply be with my unhappiness.
However I am not always this sad. I would love to write
something positive but at this stage in my life such is difficult for me and
would be insincere. Sometimes it takes only one thing such as the suffering of
sheep during this bad weather to set off a chain reaction of more pronounced
depression and sad ruminative thoughts. I do not wish to discourage anyone who
reads this, nowadays there is more help and support for OCD. I have been like
this for so long and my ways of thinking have had full rein and it would need
some really intensive therapy for me to change drastically now. There are
positive things on my website such as coping ideas and all the creativity of
other sufferers and myself. I do get satisfaction from my art and creating this
website even though it is enormously difficult to do so with my OCD. I am at
present working on trying to create clip art for the website, fun clip art of
caricatures of sheep and other creatures as well as more serious decorative clip
art. I have been trying to work out how to optimise graphics to make them
suitable for such as my son is hoping to create some for his web site and I hope
that what I learn will help him also. This is both frustrating as well as
positive nonetheless it can be quite satisfying.
Yes it is still snowing and even though it causes misery
of which I am painfully now more aware, it is nonetheless pretty transforming
our rather drab village into a scene from Christmas card.
February 25th
I was a total
loner, not by self-design. I just didn't know what the hell to say to people. I
was so shy. I used to stammer and lisp and dribble at the mouth.
Anthony Hopkins
Today was another very difficult day at the computer club
concerning my social phobia. I had been most encouraged by yesterday’s visit to
the computer tutorial of which I have mentioned on a few occasions. Yesterday I
recall actually volunteering information and chatting to a couple of
other students albeit briefly, it was nonetheless for me progress indeed. And
just a briefly for a time the awkwardness vanished. However today is quite a
different matter and yet again I feel totally alienated. I can’t work out if the
problem is to some extent with the other members or solely with me. Most of them
are friendly enough but there are just a few who barely greet us and thereafter
they ignore us. With a couple of exceptions I do feel excluded by most of the
others and I think this time my husband did also unless of course he is picking
up on my paranoia. But is it paranoia? Yesterday I did not experience this
degree of discomfort and in fact never do on the structured tutorial where
people go strictly to learn and social chit chat is minimal. However here at the
computer club it is more of a social event and oftentimes lately feels more like
a social club. Although it is just great if you do not have social hang ups but
it is a real nightmare if you do. There is no real structured learning just
random bits and pieces of instruction according to whatever it is the members
wish to discuss. The first couple of weeks it was more structured and certain
aspects of computers where demonstrated to club members however recent weeks
nothing much happens. A member comes with a problem and two or three of the more
experienced try to find a solution. The others split into groups and share their
specific interests and we feel left out. Yes we. My husband does not have any
social hang ups as such but is simply not into computers and although he enjoys
the club he is simply a little lost and is therefore hesitant to join in and
beside he knows I will not cope if I am left sitting alone, which would of
course be the case. So we simply get left out. Why I ask myself is this..
Perhaps I need to learn how to socialise. I know enough
about computers to join in intelligently, even enough to perhaps help others
with their problems but no I simply do not know how to integrate, social
interaction does not come naturally at all not like it appears to do for many
others who mix and converse without a thought as naturally as the way that we
breathe, without any forethought or anxiety. Part of the problems lies in the
fact that I do not share with others my interests. For instance I do not mention
my website site. No not this one I would not mention this as I really do not
think I would ever be accepted at least not at the present time. But I could
mention my son’s website which I created for him. But no there is something that
prevents me from doing so, something I cannot quite put my finger on. I find it
difficult to tell people much of anything perhaps I simply do not know how. I
see a situation that allows for an opening but often I let such situations pass
overcome by a hesitancy, the reason for which is often very difficult to define.
For instance today another member was sitting there looking at a front-page
manual, the same software I have used to create both websites. Now I could have
said to him something like: Have you created a website? Are you in the process
of creating a website. I have used front page to create my website... There
are any number of things I could have said to initiate conversation yet I did
not and the moment passed as so often it does. Maybe it is that I have to
organise what I say and even after doing so when I open my mouth to speak it is
unnatural and comes out muddled and I often stammer and than the eye contact
problems add even more difficulties. Yes there is no doubt that others can tell
that I have a problem with eye contact.
I can sense that people know that I have some problem or
other, they realise there is something different about me. If I do attempt to
talk I have to run though what I am about to say in my mind. This causes two
problems: first by the time I speak quite often the subject of conversation has
moved on and secondly what I have to say sounds contrived which of course it is
and others to whom I am speaking seem to know this. My sister used to have this
problem and yes whenever she was taking with someone she was not at ease with
her prepared conversation and it sounded contrived. And knowing this people who suffer
in this way than become more self-conscious and as a consequence the whole
problem becomes more difficult.
I really felt so dejected this time and left without much
in the way of an excuse. And no one really said goodbye either preoccupied with
whatever their own little click were absorbed in. No I am not being unpleasant I
do realise it is not their fault although of course people can and do
disassociate themselves from others with whom they do not feel any affinity for,
or feel uncomfortable with for one reason or another. Sometimes such exclusions
are not even deliberate or even occur on a conscious level and this I feel is
most certainly the case here. But I do sense they know there is a problem and I
feel that my being there may spoil it for others and it is better we do not go
anymore. We may go to the once each month hourly computer group that meets after
this weekly two hour session. We used to do this and that was not so bad as it
lasted for only an hour but its these two hour stints when members are supposed
to be learning odds and ends about computing, which actually rarely happens,
that is the most difficult. My excuse will be that two days each week is just
too much. A valid excuse, as really it is rather a lot to expect from my husband
who is not really a computer buff.
Feb26th.
Today we were nearly stranded in the Yorkshire Dales! The
weather being less severe here we decided to visit the Yorkshire dales assuming
that now the roads were passable, notwithstanding the much higher elevation, and
that we would be in for a treat as now it would be possible to see the snow
covered hills without incurring any danger. Not realising that the weather was
still quite severe even though this region is barely forty miles distant we indeed had
quite a shock when we arrived, it was as though we had stepped into an entirely
different world. After leaving the town of Barnard Castle some four miles or so
behind the accumulations of snow became thicker the sky was heavy with dark
ominous cloud, which I assumed was more snow. We ascended through the Stang
Forest and suddenly found ourselves plunged not into a snow storm but into think enveloping
cloud while the road deteriorated into virtually nothing. Now we only have a
very small car, a Nissan, we decide it would be expedient to turn back
immediately as the road seemingly would become impassable. However not so easy
as it may seem, after reversing downhill we decided to try a turn, not easy as
snow was piled high at the sides of this narrowing strip of road, it was not
going to be an easy matter at all and I was scared I can tell you. After a couple of
manoeuvres……… Yes it happened the car went straight into a drift and it was
impossible to reverse out! Yes I panicked, I think anyone would, you do not
surely have to have an anxiety disorder or be plagued with intrusive fearful
scenarios to be afraid. We had passed no one on the way up so it was unlikely we
would be helped by a passing motorist, most people had had the sense not to
venture this far. Most people viewed such weather in a different perspective and
would not see such as an opportunity for a trip out into the hills to view the
pretty snow. So there we were stuck in a dense cloud covering, the visibility
down to only a matter of a couple of metres, no shovel to clear away the snow,
no food, no blankets nothing! You know the first thought was one of
embarrassment; we would be thought of as foolish, unprepared and considered as a
couple of oddball tourists. Notwithstanding such minor considerations I was
however quite scared. I worried about a number of things in rapid succession
trying to fight down the hysteria and resist the urge to nag my husband who had
insisted it would be okay to go on: would I get a migraine, if so how
would I cope I already had a headache. What would happen if I needed the toilet,
which I actually did quite urgently in fact. And of course last but not least I
panicked that we would die. Unlikely of course here in the UK. We would have had
to walk back to the valley. A frightening and exhausting experience for me
nonetheless but death was unlikely. But just for a while I was very frightened
But it was going to be a lucky day as a land rover appeared through the gloom
and towed us out. The road apparently was passable to this type of vehicle.
Feeling rather silly we thanked the driver profusely glad that he had not asked
the purpose of our journey.
One good thing though I need not have worried too much
about the sheep as with few exceptions, they may have been moved to more sheltered valleys,
there were no sheep or other live stock to be seen anywhere in the hills along
the way, although of course we could not see if there were sheep or not in the
Yorkshire Dales as the cloud was so dense. I assumed they had been taken to
lower regions or sheltered in barns at least I sincerely hoped so as I doubt
that any would have survived out on those hills. I still however worried about
the sheep and other rather sad dejected farm animals including horses which we
saw along the way as of course even if left in lower fields it would have still
been a life threatening ordeal..
February 27th
It occurred to me today that if I lived alone my
condition would deteriorate rapidly, particularly my fear of throwing things
away and the resulting consequence of compulsive hoarding . In particular my
anxiety about disposing of items I fear may cause harm would indeed become a
significant problem. If it were not for living with my husband and son my home
would soon resemble a tip or a bric a brac store. Although both my husband and
son are hoarders to a great degree, which makes us all appear to be rather
exocentric to our neighbours and the few acquaintances that we have, however
neither has the additional problem of discarding items deemed harmful. Today I
notice our empty ink cartridges which non sufferers would have discarded
immediately. These cartridges have been laying about for ages and I can't
throw them in the dustbin should some creature foraging round in the bump die of
poisoning as the cartridges are leaking. Neither can I throw away the empty box
which once contained my medication and it will be pushed into a draw along with
numerous other boxes. Also the same will of course happen to the cartridges,
empty paint tubes, hair colorant bottles and so on until eventually there is no
where to put them and than my husband will probably throw them away without my
knowing it. An advantage of my poor memory.
Neither can I throw away those metal rings one gets on
tin cans or the plastic security circles that become lose on all bottles after
opening. Some years ago I was made aware of the fact that birds can die if they
get their beaks trapped inside these metal rings and the advice was not to throw
such away. I have a bag full of these rings and do not quite know what to do
with them tucking them away in some corner or another. More over I had the
compulsion to take the responsibility a step further and pick up these rings or
cans discarded in the street particularly when they have been thrown
indiscriminately in the countryside. I also worried about discarded plastic bags
that are in fact a hazard to animals and I also had the fear that such discarded
bags would be blown in the wind onto the windscreen of a car and cause an
accident. I continue to have such anxieties and give in to them but such
can be overwhelming as littering is an enormous problem here. Nonetheless at home
I make sure as far as my memory permits to remove all rings before throwing
away. I am also anxious about the hole left in a drinks can after it is opened
should a bird gets its beak trapped and I therefore try to squash the tin so the
hole is covered. I never throw anything away in a public trash can always
fearful that it may cause harm. Again the deterrent of having someone with me
prevents this escalating into an enormous problem that it surely would become.
It is one of the reasons that I cannot venture out alone as I would be
overwhelmed by the compulsion to pick up cans, plastic bags, discarded pill
packets and goodness knows what else, as if one gives in to such compulsions
they grow alarmingly indeed and more and more would be added to the list of
dangerous litter. I really do not know how anyone with severe OCD lives alone.
Recently a neighbour a few doors down become ill and had to go into care. Her
home resembled the council tip as she threw nothing away. She would allow no one
inside to carry out repairs she had no heating as she would not allow anyone in
to fix a burst pipe and there was water and dampness everywhere and she dare not
turn on the power and therefore she dwelt in this gloomy damp and cold misery of
her existence. Neither could she open her back door to go into the backyard;
she had to walk right to the bottom of he row of terraced houses and walk all
the way round to get into her back yard. I felt sorry for this lady and knew of
the terrible suffering that she endured along with the loneliness of being a
curiosity. Alone one cannot fight such overwhelming compulsions.
February 28th
I have done my best."
That is about all the philosophy of living one needs.
Lin Yutang
Today my brother-in-law arrives to take up residence in
the Extra care sheltered accommodation. Its indeed a stressful time and the
arrival of the furniture brings a misery I had not fully anticipated. It appears
that he is unable to throw much of anything away and piles and piles of items
accumulated over the years arrives in umpteen black sacks and boxes. It appears
also that not all the furniture will fit either. Two large wardrobes appear that
where supposed to have been left behind, we had bought a new one and had only
just finished putting it together. The removal men cast doubt and treated the
whole situation with much levity, yes maybe it did lighten up a stressful
circumstance nonetheless it caused anxiety which afterwards we realised was not
founded. This very stressful day finds me washing my hands over and over until
the skin is creaked and dry. The reason for so doing I will not go into now however,
but just believe me my contaminations fears were greatly aroused. Moreover I was
constantly anxious should I get a migraine attack which in the confusion would
be the last thing I could cope with, My body ached with fatigue and muscle pain
as a result of my fibromyalgia – yes I will now refer to my problems in this
regard as fibromyalgia for, despite the lack of a diagnosis, this is most
certainly the malady from which I now suffer. I have all the symptoms and reject
the notion that such are caused simply by my depression. Everyone who is
depressed is not riddled with muscle and joint pain, rashes, headaches, fatigue,
memory loss and so on that I experience.
My brother in law who is a very independent person and
who has not resigned himself to the fact that he is disabled tries to help out.
I feel rather responsible about this having freaked out about all the clutter
and the fact that it appears he has not had much in the way of help from those
who were supposed to be cleaning for him or getting his shopping: most of his
stuff is dirty, his freezer is filthy with food that has gone off, and there are
six jars of coffee goodness knows how many bottles of washing up liquid and
other items of groceries indicating that little care has gone into his shopping
requirements. I am glad he is coming here were everyone is so caring. However I
am afraid that this whole situation may be my undoing as I find
the worry of the responsibly overwhelming and fear the escalation of my OCD.
There are also major contamination issues and I will probably have to shower and
change every time I visit here and keep a separate set of clothing for similar
reasons as I often do in places of which I am familiar. However non sufferers
reading this should bear in mind that when I use the word contamination I am of
course speaking entirely from an OCD perspective; most likely non OCD sufferers
would not feel contaminated when visiting the homes of others. I feel ashamed of the way I am, to others it seems uncaring but I
cannot help my condition and only wish I could change it somehow.
Nonetheless I endeavour to do my best but expect a little consideration and
understanding from others regarding my illnesses, for indeed OCD is as much an
illness as any other and one can become disabled and incapacitated by ones
mind just as much as by ones body. The whole situation between my husband, son ,
brother-in-law and myself is most certainly one of the blind leading the blind
and I am extremely fearful that my health will seriously suffer as a
consequence.
During the confusion there is a cry from the sitting room
and unintelligible noises. Horrified we rush in to find my brother in law on the
floor in the throes of a seizure, seizures we were not aware he had. The staff
at the Extra care care facility were brilliant and came to his aide immediately
with kind understanding while sorry to say I panicked. A mad dash was made to
the hospital were my brother in law was admitted.
He had been in the northeast less than an hour and
already he is in hospital. He has been through hell since losing his wife having
two major operations spending eight months in hospital and being admitted so
many other times that I have lost count all in the space of eighteen months. We
went home leaving him in a new part of the county, in a new hospital and I felt
so guilty as though I should have done more and somehow it was due to my panic,
the general lack of organisation, again my fault, and my inability to really do
much for anyone.
And finally something I really regret and that is the
suggestion to my husband that he tell the carers that I have OCD. I was just so
stressed and I could not cope and considered that they needed to know why. Oh do
I really regret that. Odd isn’t it how it appears that whatever I decide to do I
later regret. And now I obsess rather about this as I wonder whenever I see this
person what she will be thinking. My son sees it as funny commenting that they
will be hiding the empty milk bottles – a reference to the scene in the Aviator
where Howard Hughes is urinating into milk bottles. My son who too is ill and
depressed does despite his unhappiness have the propensity to add a bit of
humour to otherwise worrying and stressful situations, such humour does indeed
take the edge of ones anxieties just occasionally.
*
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome
including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion.
However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider
would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly
those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.
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