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September 3rd
I feel like
crying tonight. I had one of the most severe attacks of migraine that I
have had in along time. I do of course get regular attacks of migraine
from one on a good week to up to four on a bad week. But this was just
awful concerning the intensity of pain and its sudden arrival. True I
had a nasty tension headache and I have had an increase in the severity
of these over the last two or three days but today I was headache free
right up until about 4pm when a tension headache developed and about an
hour or so ago about 8 pm it suddenly erupted into a dreadful migraine
the pain so bad I actually felt I wanted to die, that I could not endure
it long enough for the pain killers to work. Yes it was that bad, I was
very afraid that my pain killers would not work this time and I become
anxious as to how I would cope. I still have the tension headache as my
migraine medication does nothing for tension headaches but after an hour
the migraine eased off. Really I am beginning to feel as though I cannot
bear this headache misery anymore which at times seems worse than my
OCD.
Did you know that migraine is amongst the World Heath Organisation’s
top twenty debilitating illnesses with OCD amongst the top ten?
Personally migraine along with the chronic daily headaches CDH are
more debilitating than OCD, they most certainly make it much more
difficult for me to cope with my OCD which in itself is a soul
destroying illness, as it takes away your life as it enters every facet
of your existence. It takes an enormous effort even to just keep it
under reasonable control to allow me to function on some level, such as
going out. Although I cannot go out a lone because of my OCD the
addition of migraine and sometimes very severe tension headaches also
prevent me from going anywhere unaccompanied as alone I simply would not
cope with an attack. The very thought brings that clutch of anxiety to
my throat. Therefore I never even consider trying to overcome this
aspect of my OCD as of course OCD is not the only factor in my fear of
going out alone or even going out accompanied. Indeed even with another
person I am for the most part very anxious not only because of my OCD
fears, but also it is very frightening to be out in public and get a
severe attack of migraine or tension headache. I have to get back to the
car as quickly as possible and find somewhere private to take my
medication if we are too far from home. If I do not already have a
severe headache or if the headache is mild to moderate I try to go out
and do my best to carry on regardless but I am always anxious that it
will escalate into a migraine. If I do not already have headache the
slightest twinge will make me feel panic stricken, it would be so much
more difficult to go out alone. If I loose sight of my husband or son I
panic. Besides my hypersensitivity to noise, headaches and of course
migraine are not helped by the continual noise that we are subjected to
nowadays’ it is not easy even with a mild headache to go into a shop, a
cafe, tea room ,pub, or even the doctor’s surgery and be greeted by the
thump thump thump of music or the drone of a radio.
Moreover I only feel safe gong out with my husband or son and there
are many places I cannot go even if accompanied. I always need to know I
can get home as quickly as possible so I can go nowhere without the car,
although I do travel long distances albeit with some trepidation. But I
could never use public transport, or Park and Ride for fear of not
getting back to the car quickly enough. I can never book a seat for a
concert, a show or anything that requires advanced booking, as I cannot
be certain that I will not get migraine or other headache. As such
tickets are outrageously expensive I dare not risk it. I don't spend
much time worrying about that though as the noise of such events is
beyond my ability to endure and it has it has to be said that due to my OCD and depression I am
now at the stage when I would not get much pleasure from going to such
events anyway.
The same anxieties occur when booking medical appointments
particularly ones such as the dentist where I may have to pay for a
missed appointment that is cancelled with out a twenty four-hour notice.
Really not very understanding is it although I would image that if my
situation is understood some leeway will be forthcoming- at least I hope
so. But who knows. Throughout
society, no one appears to understand what it is like to have a headache
everyday. Even if I only have a mild one of short duration often there
are twinges during the day and often other short attacks of mild
headache but there is always that threat that I could get an attack of
migraine or my existing mild tension headache could get more severe. I
can never make firm plans, there is always that concern. Life for me and
indeed many others is extremely difficult. You think that no one
understand OCD... well no one really understands migraine or CDH either.
Everyday at some time of the day I have a
headache, sometimes it is only mild and may last an half hour or so,
sometimes it is more serve and can go on all day and the tension
headache can be so bad it can be difficult to differentiate between it
and a migraine attack. So life is by no means easy but it is surprising
how few people recognise the difficulties that I have. I do not really
think that my psychiatrist really understood just how many attacks of
migraine and how frequent was my CDH.
After this horrid attack I was really anxious and surfed the web
looking for solutions as I do from time to time when a more violent
attack jolts me out of my complacency, I came across some information
concerning migraine and OCD. The information is not very comprehensive
and I could find little else to support this idea. But apparently from
what I understand there may be a connection between migraine and OCD or
at least an increased tendency to suffer with obsessive-compulsive
symptoms.
The Bioline EPrints Archive - Migraine Headache And Obsessive-Compulsive
Sympt.
Websites of interest for migraine and headace sufferers.
Migraine Action
Association
Headache Australia - Links
September 4th
I try always to take frozen bread from the refrigerator carefully
avoiding contact with the packing or ice in the freezer. I have to do
this by first removing the package, than opening it carefully peeling
back the paper but avoiding contact with the food inside. I than have to
wash my hands before removing the food. I have to than wash my hands
again and seal the package. I have to seal it carefully before retuning
it to the freezer. Well more often that not the best laid plans of mice
and men things do not go according to plan. Just now while removing the
beard the very tip of my finger touches the bread. My finger I doubt has
been nowhere near any of the ice or the packaging but this nonetheless
causes anxiety and I am tempted to throw away the bread rolls I have
just removed. The thought torments me over and over .
I have to keep my comb and curlers in plastic bags to avoid
contamination. Half the time I cannot locate either as they are moved to
non contaminated areas of my home notwithstanding the fact they are in
plastic bags. If I lay them just anywhere than when I go to pick them up
my hands will be contaminated by the outside of the plastic bag which
has been placed in a contaminated area. My hands having become
contaminated by touching the bag which has been set down in a
contaminated area will than contaminate the comb and the curlers when I
reach inside to remove them. This would mean I would have to open the
bag carefully much in the same way I have opened the freezer bag
mentioned above. Similar to the above situation oftentimes this also
does not work and I end up contaminating the comb and curlers and than
having to wash them before I can use them, so I try to avoid this by
keeping the plastic bags containing my comb and curlers in an OCD clean
place. Not easy as it may seem as clean places in my home become
contaminated and the situation changes.
Piles of books stand stacked on the floor in a clean area they wait
to be read most are book marked on chapter eleven I cannot proceed
further until I have time to read the following three chapters all at
one time because of the superstitious fear of leaving them bookmarker on
chapter.... The proceeding and following chapters. You have of course
guessed the number but right now I am too anxious to write this down
although I have done so in my memoir. So here they remain. The pile is a
mess, a frustration, a misery yet I cannot get past this although I try.
Occasionally someone moves or interferes with these piles not realising
that adds further to my anxieties by causing my books to become
contaminated. Some one placed amongst this pile two books which had
become contaminated, I had lent them to someone I really would rather
they had not been returned. Normally I keep books and other items that
have become contaminated separate. I do this if something cannot be
washed or disinfected.
I am sorting out the clean towels, I have to be careful whilst
handling the clean laundry basket specially kept for clean washing only.
I have to take care not to allow it to touch my cloths. If this happens
I will either not be able to use it for this purpose of I will have to
disinfect it. I am not yet dressed, I am still in my night gown which I
feel is contaminated as it covers my nightdress which is contaminated by
sleeping in bed which for very complex reason is also contaminated, it
is the usual contamination chain reaction. If any part of the basket
touches my nightclothes, it in turn will become contaminated, if any of
the towels touch my night cloths they too will become contaminated and I
will than have to wash them over again. Some of these towels have
previously been washed a seconded time because they had been come
accidentally in contact with a towel that had not been washed.
I tip them out onto the settee for easier sorting; I cannot just tip
them out anywhere, the settee is an OCD clean area. I could not tip them
out onto my bed for instance or onto anyone else's chair. After folding
again being careful not to allow them to touch my cloths I have to place
them into the cupboard in the bathroom. I have to open the door first
and than wash my hands as the door handle is contaminated. The towels
have to be carefully placed on the top shelf, the other shelves have art
materials stacked on them if the towels touch these they will have be
rewashed.
There are no visible demarcation zones in my home, you will not see
any dividing line that separates contaminated areas from non
contaminated areas. There are no noticeable swaths of my living space
that you would probably see me avoiding. Nonetheless such areas exist
within my mind, for the most part only I am aware of them. Nonetheless
there is a division between clean and non clean areas, contaminated and
non contaminated that precipitates so much hand washing,
showering, changing of cloths and frustrating and exhausting rituals such
as those above and even on occasion throwing away of many items in order
to keep separate these two zones of existence.
If you were a visitor to my home you may not even have any idea that
such rituals are taking place right under your nose although you may
notice that I wash my hands rather a lot, particularly when you are
observing me making you something to eat or a cup of tea. You would probably wonder why I scolded out the cups and the teaspoon, why I
washed my hands again even though I had washed them prior to putting the
tea bags into the cups. You would also wonder why I washed the taps than
washed my hands again. You might notice that after removing the tea bags
I might wash my hands a third time. Depending on circumstances I might
wash a forth, fifth any number of times if I accidentally touched
anything in the no go zone that I deemed contaminated whilst I was
preparing your cup of tea. For instance my hand may accidentally catch
the door handle of the sink cupboard a contaminated zone, or the washing
machine or things that no one else would make any connection with
concerning contamination problems. But in my mind these areas of my home
have become contaminated; a certain item may have been touched by
someone whom I deemed contaminated in one way or another, for instance
someone who owned a dog many have touched something, oftentimes now I
cannot recall how these areas or things become contaminated, I just know
that the outside of my washing machine is contaminated and I wash my
hands when I for example after touching the door handle before placing
in the washing, the same procedure is carried out after opening the door
to remove the washing. You most certainly would think it odd if than
after all that I had to start the whole procedure over again because
whilst you were talking I was unable to concentrate and made a mistake
in the rituals and had forgotten to wash my hands. You might understand
that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time but you would
certainly not understand the neurotic logic or the nature of the fear
that drove me to carry out such behaviours. And you might wonder why but
than after being told some plausible excuse you would watch he same
procedure all over again.
If I were cooking you a meal you would most certainly notice the
amount of washing that was taking place of not only my hands but also
the crockery, cutlery in fact you would probably observe many very odd
rituals and if you visited me often you would notice that I can not cook
or prepare a meal if I am alone and if I did you would wonder why I was
throwing all that food away. .
No you would have to live with me perhaps to notice these very subtle
demarcation zones but for the most part my husband and son remain
oblivious to the nightmare within, of restrictions and avoidance. It is
impossible to keep your home contamination free and usually after some
time has passed one has to conceded defeat after shampooing the carpet,
scrubbing the work tops, disinfecting your books, the outside of tins,
packaging, furniture and anything and everything. Eventually the
exhausted, frustrated and depressed OCDer than begins to take the path
of avoidance and lives a life of constant struggle to keep these two
areas separated. Instead of trying to decontaminate the OCDer instead
washs her hands after for example touching the tin that has been on the
same conveyor belt as the previous customer who has bought dog food or
she changes her cloths that have just touched the laundry basket as she
entered the bathroom instead of throwing away the laundry basket because
it became contaminated.
No indeed there is most certainly no visible dividing line
Nonetheless such exists within my mind and it is this that precipitates
so much hand washing, showering changing of cloths and frustrating and
exhausting rituals such as those above and even on occasion throwing way
of many items. And for the most part few will be aware of this misery
that results solely from intrusive unwanted thoughts which arise in the
mind.
September 5th
Caution possible triggers: morbid rumination
We are visiting Beverly Minster in the quiet little Yorkshire town. I
find it curious that my blasphemous thoughts are less of a problem in
larger churches such as cathedrals and ministers where, despite my many
problems, often I find some peaceful respite therein. In smaller parish
churches particularly ancient medieval churches blasphemous thoughts can
be problem even though I am agnostic and now have no specific religious
beliefs preferring the pick and mix approach of new age thinking.
But this is not really my point as today other aspects of my OCD torment
me.
Standing beside the quire admiring the 14th century intricate
carvings on the seats I read the notice Please replace the seat so
visitors can enjoy the woodcarvings. The thought came to my mind: have
these seats ever been cleaned since the fourteenth century with anything
other than polish! If I sit on this seat I will be sitting where the
unwashed medieval parishioners sat all those hundreds of years ago when
the plague and other virulent diseases ran riot. Many people get a thrill
from touching artefacts, antiques from centuries past. Just touching
something that the Romans had touched, owning a dinner plate from which
Napoleon once ate, handling a coin touched by countless thousands,
sitting in the seat sat in by monks of times along ago and so on, for
some such is a thrill. But no not for me for you see all I can think of
is how anxious I am because of dirt and germs of ages long passed and
somehow all the Romanticism of days long ago dissipates in an instant. I
would of course have extreme anxiety sitting down; I never touch items
of antiquity unless I can wash my hands straight afterwards. Particularly
old coins, indeed I have difficulties enough touching modern money,
money from countries where there is a rabies problem.
We light a candle for my sister and brother-in-law not for any
religious purpose but simply to remember them in this quite peaceful
place. But this moment is spoiled. I am anxious that I have to place
money for the candle in the slot in the candle holder, there is no
notice telling you how much money is required. I place twenty pence as
is the usual charge, but the candles are larger, so I ruminate that I
have not given enough money. So when my husband is distracted I put in
another twenty pence. He worries about money. This is a scrupulosity issue and this presents more so in churches
despite the change in my religious beliefs. The moment of course is lost
I feel guilty that OCD got in the way. But I do nonetheless think of my
sister particularly in such places; I miss her and my brother-in-law and
the fear of never seeing them again and the anxieties concerning my
mortality haunts me. Naturally such places are a reminder of ones
mortality although of course this thought is never far from my mind as
those of you will know who have read my writings here and in my memoir.
As we walk round the Minster the graves and
tombs of those long since passed away increase my anxiety and cause me
to reflect or rather ruminate upon the passing of time, the years that
have passed since these people died and other gloomy contemplations.
Well really I have no words for the thoughts that pass through my mind
along with a mixture of emotions: fear of my own mortality, sadness that
these once living breathing people may no longer be and that all there
hopes and dreams are long past as one day mine will be... Well enough
said often I fear too write too much morbid content should what I say
trigger anxiety in whoever will read what I have written. However if I
do not write concerning all the aspects of my OCD I cannot convey what
OCD is like for me personally as you will not fully understand the
pervasive nature of this disorder at least relative to my personal
experience of it. Moreover triggers are personal issues are they not.
What might be a trigger to one person is not necessarily so for another.
OCD is such a personal illnesses; although the basic symptoms are
similar the manifestations are unique in each individual. For instance a
suffer of OCD contamination such as myself may fear contamination by
dogs, however another OCD sufferer may also fear contamination yet own a dog with out giving this any thought at all for his contamination
fears are focused elsewhere. In fact there is a Yahoo news group for OCD
sufferers who own a dog.
We mostly came here for our son who is interested in old churches,
cathedrals and ministers from an historical perspective; it is one of
his preservations. For others it would be called an interest but for
Kevin it is more than that, as an Aspire an interest is an obsession,
not in an OCD way, but an absorbing often very restricted all consuming
passion. The obsession is not fear based as in OCD and presents as a
keen interest. Nonetheless I have noticed of late just how pervasive and
all-consuming these preservations are becoming, when all he wants is to be
occupied in little else other than these preservations of which there
are at least two or three. Also I have noticed an increase in anxiety
towards perfectionism as it relates to his interests. Today he is
stressing out over the dozens and dozens of photos he is taking and
retaking because of an increasing compulsion to have them all perfect.
As I say for me there are indeed mixed emotions in addition to
anxiety and existential fear, there are feelings of peace and
tranquillity. Beside the Minster is a large tree, the sound of the wind
rustling the leaves is soothing and I long to linger absorbing the peace
that is else where so difficult to find. The Minster is situated in a
very peaceful part of the town and despite the morbid revere and
feelings of longing, wishing that I could live here in one of these
small but very expensive houses in the neat clean and pleasant town,
there where indeed some tranquil moments a respite from the turmoil from
within.
September 11th
Well the forecast that we were not to expect an Indian summer this
year was indeed wrong and after a miserably cold August the last few
days have been pleasant and warm and indeed yesterday was hot. During
the four years that we have lived in the Northeast it has never been
warm whenever we have visited the Cheviot hills no matter the time of
year. But yesterday it was very hot indeed. It was in fact rather
difficult for me, I had a couple of headace attacks I felt very stressed
should they be the result of a migraine rather than a tension headace.
I do so love the hilly and mountainous regions here in the Northeast
and Northwest regions. But with the exception of the Lake District it
seems that the rest of the country is unaware of the magnificent scenery
here. In my opinion here in the north of England we have some of the finest
scenery in the entire country, yet visitors are few. From my perspective
of enjoying the peace and quite of unspoilt countryside, well that is
just
fine for me. But it does seem so sad that this area is not promoted as a
tourist attraction. Also few local people seem inclined to visit these
areas of outstanding natural beauty such as the Pennines, the Durham
Dales or
National parks such as the Yorkshire Dales, The Yorkshire moors the Northumbrian National park, all available for a days outing for people in
our locality.
Today I will not ramble on out how difficult it was for me on this
trip as indeed it is difficult for me whenever we have to go out but
instead share a few photographs with you of this very pretty, no
magnificent scenery in a place few people visit.
The photographs below where taken by my husband. for more photographs
of a variety of subjects and free desktop
wallpaper please click
John
The sheep in the photograph below was an adorable creature so
friendly, she followed us as we walked along by the side of the stream. She
than came back to the car and suck her head in through the open window.
She was obviously used to visitors feeding her. I know that you should
not feed sheep but I felt so guilty she had such a lovely gentle face. I
think if you see these animals close to and really take notice of them
you might reconsider your eating habits, clearly each sheep has his or
her own personality they are sentient creatures. Here in the Cheviots it
is intensive sheep
farming country, sheep wander freely through the hills, most of the land
in the Northeast is given over to sheep farming and we have since coming
here grown very found indeed of these gentle creatures.
Click on image to view larger
version which will open in a new window.
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|
| Not your regular timid sheep
here, this sheep was so friendly she followed us about hoping to
get something to eat. |
Doesn't she have
a sweet face I could not resist feeding her. |
The photographs below are sized for desktop wallpaper.
Please Note:
If your are wondering where the last two links are I have removed
them as I had not intended to publish them this time and they were
really put here to remind me to write an explanation for each.
I will include these links with the appropriate explanations next
time I publish. Sorry if this has caused any confusion, I am amazed that
despite all my checking I managed to make such a glaring error. if you
have just visited my website and have no idea what I am talking about
do not worry the links referred to above will appear when I publish more
entries.
September 12th
This morning I woke with a severe headache, it is quite frightening
as my headaches appear to be getting more painful. My headaches were
diagnosed as tension headaches with the more severe as migraine
headaches. Often it can be difficult to tell which is which. My migraine
medication only is effective for my migraine it will not alleviate the
pain of a tension headache. I am wondering if anyone else who has OCD or
other anxiety disorder gets tension headaches on a daily basis or has
migraine. How many of us get headaches and have been told that this is
due to anxiety and or depression? If anyone has any suggestions I would
appreciate you passing them on to me. I am getting more depressed and
anxious, as I really do not know how I will cope if these headaches get
much worse.
September 15th
Habits are at first
cobwebs, than cables
Spanish Proverb
Don’t laugh but it is not only my hands that get washed over and over
but sometimes it is my feet! I have just now washed my feet and legs for
the second time today. Mostly I try to avoid areas of contamination
within my home and elsewhere rather than keep washing my hands, my
cloths disinfecting surfaces and yes washing my feet, but sometimes this
may not be possible. I walk round my house barefoot but even if I wore
slippers if they got contaminated I would either have to throw them away
or wash them, so its either wash my feet or wash my slippers... but in
any case I find it more comfortable to walk round barefoot.
While getting dressed after a shower my leg accidentally brushed past
the dirty laundry basket, an item of considerable contamination anxiety
which I take great pains to avoid, but just sometimes it is difficult
when using the bathroom not to come into contact with it. My bathroom is
not that big and to avoid this basket I have to be mindful and if there
are other distractions even other OCD distractions my mindfulness lapses
and this happens. I try to ignore this but after a while the torment and
compulsion to wash becomes just too strong. Later again whilst carrying
the laundry basket into the kitchen to load the washing machine the
basket accidentally comes into contact with my skirt. I now have to
change it and rinse and wash again my legs and feet again as of course
my contaminated skirt came into contact with them whilst I was changing.
I rummage through the clean laundry in my trunk put on a clean but
crumpled skirt; I cannot cope with ironing it. Usually I sort out and
load the laundry before I shower and get dressed but due to the stresses
and strains of life I simply forgot so I had to do this after getting
dressed and showering.
There is so much confusion in my home today and I can‘t cope. My
husband is painting the kitchen, I would help, I did so yesterday, but
it is difficult for me with my OCD and I have just got over a migraine -
well at least I have taken the pain killers and the pain is easier but a
tension headache remains. If there was not enough confusion already my
son also is decorating his bedroom, he is such a perfectionist, and a
real fusspot I can hear him stressing out. We are all over sensitised to
any little thing, which does not go according to plan. Life for all of
us is extremely difficult. We are still decorating after the
installation of the damp course. We procrastinated over the summer to
some extent wanting to make the most of the summer to go out and about
but now we have to face the ordeal of decorating. Also the fact that we
really did not know how to decorate, as you just cannot paint over the
plaster with any ole paint or wallpaper it for eighteen months afterward
as the wall needs to dry out, so it took a while to track down suitable
paint one that is water soluble. None of the big DIY stores had any!
Incredible, we had to search all over. And finally found a small local
shop which stocked it, thanks goodness that still some small business
survive. Moreover the original plasterwork that remained was damaged, it
has been this way when we purchased the house, it was disguised by
wallpaper. We knew the walls where uneven but we did not realise the
extent of the damage until we had to have his damp course installed. So
we have had to work out what to do, how to fix this problem without
having the walls re-plastered professionally, as we simply cannot afford
the enormous cost. We could not cover with wallpaper as the previous
occupants had done, as this would prevent the wall from drying out. So
decorating has been a long frustrating job it would be for anyone but
when your are ill and getting older it is more difficult. Depression,
anxiety and of course OCD makes every endeavour extremely difficult.
Life seems so full of frustration, a constant battle for all of us to do
things that many do with little thought or anxiety.
I am trying to work on my website, this afternoon I hope to get on
with a painting that never seems to be anywhere near completion. The
frustration of my OCD drives me just crazy as it interferes with these
pass-times. If it is not one thing than it is another and at the end of
the day I feel exhausted irritated depressed and dissatisfied full of
regret for a wasted day. Yes I do achieve something; some work on this
website will eventually be completed after I contend with the
aforementioned obsessions and compulsions along with the checking and
other obsessions that interfere directly with my website. I will most
likely complete some more of my painting albeit with interference from
contamination OCD, perfectionist tendencies and just plain old apathy,
amidst the confusion of our very complicated lives. But oh I wish for
some peace and quiet, often I consider that all three of us just simply
need a break from the misery of our complicated existence. It seems to
be just one thing after another. No this is not simply an OCD thing,
everyone these days seems rather overwhelmed, the only difference is
that people like us find it so much more difficult to contend with the
frustrations of life in addition to our OCD.
September 16th
Ring the bells that still
can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen
- Remember that fear always lurks
behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself
the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and
more productive person.
Dr. David M. Burns
-
I have just finished writing an
article about
perfectionism, which of course is far from perfect. I sometimes feel
like I am biting off more than I can chew and trying to take on the
persona of a writer when clearly I am not, at least not in a
professional way. This worries me from time to time, as I am of course
never satisfied with anything that I write. If I analyse the nature of
my concerns (beside the
OCD problems of checking and so on that make my writing difficult and
also the tendency to ramble and repeat myself to get it just right) I
now realise since writing this article that yes indeed perfectionism is
quite a problem in not only this area of my life but throughout
everything I do. As I now spell and grammar check this paragraph a
window appears telling me that the last sentence was too long and this
causes some anxiety but I ignore this as there is no quick way for me to
alter the above sentence, if indeed it should be altered for long
sentences were prevalent in Victorian writing, who is too say that this
is now no longer the correct way to write, Microsoft? I think not. . I
went though my entire memoir shortening the sentences and now I regret
this as these short clipped sentences seem awkward and spoil the flow of
my writing. However despite my own opinions on the matter doubt has been
cast and this causes some mild concern. Perfectionists are sensitive,
really hypersensitive to any criticism, hint or suggestion that their
endeavour is anything less than perfect. Our own inner critic most
certainly exploits this sensitivity as we become increasing less
satisfied with everything we attempt to do. Moreover this sensitivity
can grow just the way our OCD behaviours grow and become more and more
pervasive as our awareness seems to expand and we notice and are
effected by the most minute degree of imperfection. Perfectionist
concerns for me personally might not bring about the level of anxiety
that OCD and the other disorders from which I suffer do but it
nonetheless has quite an impact on my mood and my stress levels.
Phew! That was a long paragraph. Long-winded huge paragraphs are a
real no no for web pages as information should be formatted in short
concise chucks, at least according to the experts in web page design and
layout. But that is the way I write, I have tried shortening my
paragraphs by separating them in half but than all you have is a split
paragraph and again the flow of my writing suffers as a result, for a
paragraph should contain one theme and if it takes a long time to write
the appropriate information... well you will end up with a long
paragraph. I personally cannot write concisely. Yet these doubts, these
criticisms do cause some anxiety albeit mild - yes such advice can be
taken personally as a criticism rather than as suggestions- but these
mild anxieties add up don’t they. During the course of the day these
twinges of anxiety can amount to enough stress to make life even more
depressing than it is already, as you contend with the constant input of
your OCD these extra anxieties make a significant impact. However unlike
the OCD anxieties these anxieties are often less noticed and do not
effect us in quite such an obvious way, nonetheless we need to be aware
of them as they may effect your mood. As I entered my bedroom just now a
recently completed painting sitting on the table seems even less perfect
that it was when first finalized not that it was completed to the level
of perfection demanded by my hypercritical mind. In fact over the days
that it has sat there waiting to be put away I see more and more
imperfections and each time I do so a little of my self confidence is
eroded away imperceptibly like water erodes the side of the mountain and
forms a stream than a fast flowing river, and if you are not mindful of
this it can be a significant stressor in your life and like the
imperceptible erosion of the mountain perfectionist tendencies can make
a huge impression in your life. As you become increasing dissatisfied
with whatever you undertake you may eventually find little or no
fulfilment in your endeavours and what once bought satisfaction now
brings anxiety and eventually you become less motivated, less creative
and another burden of limitations is added to you life.
Please read my article or at least visit the links where more concise
information and self help ideas may be found.
By the way I am scheduled for an exhibition for local amateur artists in 2008! I was fairly taken aback by the long waiting list but
with all my obsessing and perfectionist tendencies I will most likely
need that much time to prepare. That is if when the time arrives I
actually have the nerve to exhibit my art work in such a public way, low
self esteem issues and perfectionist anxieties being the main hindrance.
This exhibitions is for local artists most of whom are amateurs like
myself, members of art societies and so on. But most nevertheless come
up with the usual impressive blurb concerning their accomplishments,
this or that exhibition, this or that diploma, degree and so on. Me...
well what can I say? The truth of course. Yes I hope to describe myself
as an amateur artist with OCD, no degrees, no previous exhibitions. I
won’t make any money and see this as an opportunity to bring about some
awareness of OCD into my locality but more than that it is a chance for
me to be rebellious as I grow so tired of everyone exaggerating their
qualifications, their seemingly easy lifestyles and it is time that some
of us for whom life is very difficult get a chance to say how it really
is for those who suffer in this way. I of course have grave doubts about my work but there have been many
exhibitors with less talent than I who have sung their own praises with
glowing confidence, who seemingly do not allow their lives to be marred
by feelings of imperfection which feelings they most surely have as
indeed artists most often than not have quite significant perfectionist
tendencies.
Use what talents you
possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those
that sang best.
Henry van Dyke
The following two entries contain the links and explanations
mentioned earlier
September 15th
The link below will take you to an article concerning creativity and
mental illness. The emphasis however is on depression particualry manic
depression. Personally I consider that anyone with a mental illness is
creative but it is debatable whether or not anxiety disorders are an
inhibition rather than an impetus. Certainly if your condtion is severe,
anxiety and lack of motivation may impeded your creative abilities as it
does any other aspect of your life. OCD in particular may be inhibitive
if the sufferer has OCD contamination fears centred on chemicals if he
or she is a painter, or checking compulsions if he or she is a writer.
I decided to make the connection with creativity and mental health
particualry Obsessive compulsive disorders, OCSDs, other anxiety
disorders and eating disorders partly because I believe that most of us
are creative in some way but also to place emphasis on something
positive rather than have a website centred upon only negatives issues.
It is so easy these days to become negative, our society leans towards
negativity. There is little in the news either at home or aboard that is
positive - at the least the emphasis is on negative issues rather than
positive ones and this constant negativity poisons our minds and we feel
there is little positive in our lives now that our already negative
attitude is validated by society in general.
In creating this website I wanted to include something of a more
positive nature and I feel this connection with creativity to be a good
starting point so if you do anything creative please tell us about it.
Please send in photos of your art or craft, or send examples of your
poetry or other literary accomplishments, if you 're performing artist
describe what you do.
Creativity and Mental Illness
September 17th
I came across this really lovely creative website of a sufferer of
anorexia nervosa this website is well worth a visit. The following is an
excerpt from the introduction:
"Welcome to Iona’s Inspirations, this website has been
developed by Iona, with support from her family and friends, who have
been inspired by Iona’s personal battle against anorexia, bulimia and
depression. The contents of this site are designed to help, inspire and
give hope and support to other sufferers and their families, by
displaying the poems and drawings that Iona has created over the years."
Iona's Inspirations,
personal poems and drawings about anorexia, bulimia, eati
September 18th
Every man has his own
courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of
other persons.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Frank stands looking over the rail from the first floor of the
shopping centre but instead of seeing the throng of bustling shoppers
below in his mind eye he sees the swirling dark foreboding waters of the
Norwegian fjords. He feels sick, his stomach surges, a lump rises to his
throat and a familiar fear presents itself, a fear he has borne for a
number of weeks now since booking a family holiday on a trip to Norway
including a cruise along the fjords. Frank has a profound phobia about
being on ships, boats and of deep water, he will not even walk to the
water’s edge, yet he has allowed himself to be talked into taking this
holiday, a holiday which will be anything but relaxing or enjoyable.
Often well meaning or sometimes plain selfish family members will
persuade a friend or relative to take such action that will cause more
suffering than they can imagine, for if you ‘re not phobic you really
cannot imagine the terror of mind that besets sufferers of this type of
anxiety disorder. For if you did you might think twice before hounding a
sufferer of a phobia to take action before he is ready to do so simply
because you think it is in his interests to or you are simply putting
your own desires first.
For many people a phobia is not simply an acute attack which will
pass after the incident is over, no oftentimes the anticipatory fear of
such an event is just as anxiety provoking, as the actual confrontation
with the object of ones phobia as for weeks in advance the kind of
imaginary scenarios as the one above haunt the sufferer as he goes over
and over the anticipated event or rather the dreaded event. Any little
reminder brings about sensations very similar to those he will
experience during the full-blown phobic attack he will have or
anticipates he will have when he
confronts the situation. In the background the thoughts of the impending
event will haunt him, it will mar the quality of his life during the
proceeding weeks leading up to the confrontation of his phobia. In the
above circumstance while everyone else is excited about the forthcoming
trip he will be counting the days in dread wishing it where over.
I recall some years ago a friend of mine a lady who had agoraphobia,
panic disorder and social phobia had also a profound fear of flying. She
was also somewhat anxious when travelling by car and although she did so
she was constantly afraid. Her husband had for many years wanted to
visit relatives in Australia but until this time had not the financial
means to do so. However when his circumstances changed he pursued his
wife to travel with him not only to Australia but afterwards to travel
to the USA before returning home. My friend had for many years dreaded
this happening knowing that as soon as the situation was right that he
would wish to do this and that she would be put in a very awkward
position of either confronting her fear of flying or living with the
guilt of refusing to go on this most likely once in a lifetime trip.
Finally she was persuaded to go on the trip. During the weeks leading up
to this event she was haunted by her fears, each morning she woke to the
feeling of utter dread as the first thought that greeted her each day
was the thought of this impending journey. I recall meeting her on the
street one autumn afternoon a few weeks before she was due to fly out. I
had not seen her for a while as she had become rather anxious and
stressed for a number of reasons and we had postponed our visits with
one another. As I saw her approach from a good distance I could tell
than by her whole demeanour that she was anxious and depressed, her fear
seemed palpable as though you could almost smell it, taste it. No it was
not her agoraphobia she had made some good progress with that and was
able to at least go out and about in the village. As we met she told me
of her dread, her fears, it appeared to me that her already very anxious
life was indeed now made much worse and that what quality of life she
had, had now been consumed by utter dread. I cannot of course know
precisely what this person felt other than my own impressions and from
some of the things she said and perhaps I may have been transferring
some of my own anxieties, for indeed I had great empathy for her fears
as we share this same phobia, but I will never forget seeing her that
day and the look of utter misery on her face. I had visited with her for
a few years and we had talked over our fears including our shared fear
of flying and she was an anxious person but never before had I seen her
look so full of anxiety and dread. She told me that she faced an eight
hour flight to Australia changing I think in Singapore. After a two-week
stay in Australia she was to fly to California for a week’s stay with
relatives before returning to the UK. Now for anyone with a phobia about
flying any trip even of short duration would have induced extreme
anxiety but such a trip as this lady faced would be overwhelming for
someone who was phobic and flying for the first time and who also
suffered with agoraphobia and panic disorder. Yes she did go, it was an
ordeal and I admire her bravery.
But me... would I expose myself to such a full on experience, a huge
confrontation with an enormous fear that would make me utterly sick with
anxiety, that would effect my life for weeks to prior to the trip and
increase my stress levels still further ...no way. At least not for a
one off experience that will not greatly enhance my daily life but which
could in theory actually make my daily life much worse after the
experience of so much anxiety.
Sometimes those of us who suffer with an anxiety disorder have to ask
ourselves if it is worth all the anxiety before we make a decision to
confront our fears, particularly if this confrontation will increase our
anxiety to extreme levels for a number of weeks beforehand but will not
greatly effect the quality of our lives in the long term. In other words
sometimes we may need to ask ourselves if it is worth it. Now if you
have agoraphobia or there are other reasons you cannot go out as in my
case because of my OCD and my headaches than yes you need to try to
confront your fears otherwise your quality of life will be greatly
diminished. I am anxious to go out alone, I am anxious to travel even by
car, the speed, the behaviour of other motorists causes me a great deal
of anxiety. Each time I go anywhere I am anxious but I go nonetheless
albeit with trepidation. I cannot go out alone though and I need someone
with me but even with someone with me there is anxiety and each time I
go out I have to face this anxiety anew. The alternative of course would
be to face a life of being housebound so I try as much as is possible to
confront my fears in order to have some quality of life. In my opinion
although the anxiety can be dreadful and a trip out, particularly to a
place far away, can be worrying for a few weeks prior to travelling, I
accept this as being a necessary evil so to speak. The anxiety is awful
but it is worth it to have some kind of life outside of my home.
However concerning travel abroad either by air or sea I would not for
one minute consider confronting this fear, a fear that now just writing
about here causes anxiety, the prospect of such an attempt turns my
stomach, I can feel my stomach muscles tighten at the very thought. You
know when I leave my home on most occasions even for a local trip my
entire system goes into melt down. My bladder feels as though I have an
infection, there is a feeling of dreadful irritation in my bladder, I
feel the urge to urinate, even though I have been several times in
succession before leaving the house this urge is still present even
though I have drank nothing for hours. This feeling will be with me
mostly through the entire duration of the trip sometimes accompanied by
IBS. I am forever looking for toilets and because of my OCD
contamination fears this escalates my anxiety still further. My stomach
constricts as soon as I set food in the street, a lump rises to my
throat and anxiety consumes me, the degree depends on the destination,
the length of the journey and several other factors including the
presence of headaches the fear being that it might turn to migraine.
When I am out there are so many fears; confrontations with dogs, could
they have rabies; stains on the pavement, could they be toxic; fears of
eating food, is it poisoned, will I get food poisoning, will I die. A
bird flies by so close it’s wing touches my hair, will I get bird flu. I
touch something in a shop, it is wet is this unidentified substance
toxic. Someone rushes past me in the street, there is brief contact, I
feel contaminated. The notes handed to me in my change look particularly
grubby, there is a purple stain and so on and on one thing after
another. Hyphochondrical fears haunt me such as for instance, does the
fact that I feel as though I need to urinate mean I have bladder cancer,
ovarian cancer, (the feeling of a sudden urge to urinate can be a
symptom of ovarian cancer). Will the cut on my hand, the source of which
I cannot recall, fester and on and on one anxiety presenting after
another in rapid succession. Strange places, people, noise, social
expectations, the list is endless, many fears present, the cause of which I
cannot define and rather like an animal my hackles rise, metaphorically
speaking. My whole system is on the alert, expectant, anticipatory,
anxious never relaxed. But in order to have some sort of existence I
have to confront these problems.
However concerning a confrontation with my fear of flying and indeed
travelling abroad and the huge anxieties this entails including all the
above and more, make this an entirely different situation and
consideration. There are a huge number of additional anxieties
concerning travel broad, besides the fear of the actual flight, of
crashes and other catastrophes, such as getting ill, the long
wait at air ports, no facility for me to take my migraine medication
should the need arise, the hustle and bustle, the noise and confusion.
And on arrival there are the additional fears similar to those mentioned
already concerning travel in my own country but with added problems or
emphasis. For instance in many parts of the world rabies is a problem
albeit a very small one in for example Paris or other European country
but statistics of course do little to alleviate ones fears. Also I
believe for those of us who suffer with an anxiety disorder there is an
undefined anxiety that makes travelling in a foreign country more
stressful, an unnamed fear that even we can not put into words. Of
course I am only speaking from my own experience. I would for example
imagine that if you ‘re prone to panic attacks you might have more of
them because of all the added anxiety but again this, as indeed
everything I have written, is my own opinion, everyone is different and
we all experience fear and anxiety differently. My main fear is the flight
or the trip on a ship and the fear of rabies but it is also this
undefined fear that brings with it a huge amount of anxiety. Moreover as
already mentioned the anticipatory fear, waiting for the time to arrive
would bring unbearable anxiety, an anxiety I doubt I would be able to
cope with. Furthermore once having arrived at my destination I would of
course be far too traumatised to enjoy my holiday, not only because of
the anxieties already described but also because of the thought of the
necessity of having to make the return journey. This in some ways could
prove more traumatic than the outgoing journey as of course right up
until the plane takes off or the ship leaves dock, I could change my
mind. Often I am able to do things if I have a back door, it I know that
at the last minute I can back out of whatever it is I am trying to do if
my fears overwhelm me. But of course having made the outgoing journey I
will than be subjected to the same anxiety about retuning with the added
problem being there is not way out, I have no back door, I cannot change
my mind. Yes for some people this may have a reverse effect, with the
result of becoming more resigned the fear is mitigated but this would
not be the case for me.
So all things considered for me personally it really is not worth
putting myself in such a position. Yes there are many parts of the world
I would like to visit but most of these regions are generally speaking
really not suitable for a person with contamination OCD such as Tibet,
and other Himalayan countries, china and a number of other countries I
would like to have visited. However besides some very mild regrets this
inability does not have an all over detrimental effect on my life as
would be the case if I did not try to confront my fears of travel and
going out in my own country. For me personally the enormous trauma of
foreign travel would not be worth it and in fact may even be a
detriment. Often an added dose of anxiety can have a long term effect
and it can take time to recover after a serious confrontation with our
fears. This is particularly so if you have been persuaded to do so by
other people, you have been made to feel guilty or uncomfortable and
have reluctantly gone on a journey before you felt you were able.
I do not of course wish to deter anyone from making such an effort if
you are determined and you are doing so because it is what you want and
you feel ready to make this confrontation with your fears and it is
important to you: To those of you who are ready to face such fears I
wish you all the best and wish you every success in your endeavours.
However for those of you who would rather not do so, do not feel guilty
or regretful, perhaps there will be a time when you are ready but until
than... I personally would not allow myself to be persuaded, or
pressured into doing something I feel will not really enhance my life
with a sufficient payback in terms of life enhancement, that really does
not warrant the amount of fear to which you may be subjected. And please
relatives even if you do not understand the fears of the person whom you
are trying to coax to take an action that cases great fear please
respect that at this time such can cause unimaginable anxiety. There is
a difference between encouragement and harassment, and
persuasion by guilt. Please be sure of your motives, often relatives
only try to “ encourage” their spouse, child, friend to undertake such a
confrontation simply because it is what they want rather than what is in
the best interests of the person concerned. Occasionally... well
actually quite a bit my son tries to get me to consider foreign travel
but I tell him that it is all I can cope with to make a relatively short
journey here, the distress off which can overwhelming. No at this
juncture in my life such a trip would be of detriment and I am not
prepared to put myself through such misery. Foreign travel is not the be
end all of existence after all most of the world's population have not
ventured far from their own town or village. Finding ways to cope
in your immediate here and now in your everyday life trying to find some
meaning to your life is of greater consideration. Foreign travel is just
the icing on the cake for relatively few of the world inhabitants.
So for me for now I will continue to be an armchair traveller and
make do with reading the many books written of the experiences of travel
writers to places I can only dream about. I am neither able nor prepared
to suffer the trauma of travelling abroad.
September 20th
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is
to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the
heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is
as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the
simple beauty of nature.
Ann Frank
I do not think that travelling outside of the UK will ever be an
option as today just travelling up to Berwick and along the coastline of
eastern Scotland is extremely difficult for me. My anxiety is quite
profound today and effects my bladder and it is a miserable day. On the
return journey I get a headache, it is relatively mild to moderate but I
am so afraid it will escalate into a migraine. We are about one hundred
miles from home and I am extremely stressed. We stop at several places
along the coast and finally arrive at St Abbes, a delightful little
seaside village, so picturesque, so peaceful and quiet there are hardly
any dogs to bother me and no noise except the squawk of birds and the
sound of the surf breaking on the stony beach. The day is warm, very
warm for the time of year. It is one of the most peaceful places I have
been to for a very long time and is one in which I wish to remain even
to live here in this tranquil sanctuary. I often think that we all
three of us simply need a good respite from the clamour of our everyday
lives spent in a location which is rarely free from noise, where the
phone rings, people knock on your door and you re generally beset with
one worry or pressure from our angst ridden society. This is the kind of
place that you envision that people were sent to in days gone by to
convalesce to recover and recuperate. A place for those of us tortured
by our minds to go to reflect to talk over our problems to gain a
perspective in a peaceful beautiful setting. Oh I only wish...
Here are photographs taken by my son
Kevin Photography however doesn't
really convey the magnificent beauty of this place though, you really
have to be there. It is a balm for the soul and just for the couple of
hours we were there and walked along the cliffs and sat looking over the
bay and village I really did feel some peace which was well worth the
long and anxiety ridden trip.
The photographs below are sized for desktop wallpaper.
September 23rd
It has turned into another lovely warm day despite the fact we are
over a third the way through September. After a very stressful morning
trying to prepare my website for publication and attempting to complete
a painting that I just can’t get right, sadly due to perfectionist
tendencies no doubt, I want nothing more to sit outside to enjoy this
last remnant of summer before it slips into autumn. I step outside the
moment is lost - if indeed there ever was a moment when I feel at peace or
even remotely relaxed or satisfied with what I am doing as most of the
time having arrived at a decision with great difficult to do this or
that I am than plagued with thinking I should be doing something other
than what I am doing. Perhaps I should carry on with my painting, get
dinner, perhaps we should have gone out somewhere to make the most of
the weather, or should we go and get that bookcase we need to try and
control all that seething clutter in our bedroom. Doubt and
indecision are some of the more
subtle tortures of OCD or at least the OCD personality.
As If this internal babble is not enough I am now greeted by the
rattle of conversation via a neighbour’s radio. This is most unusual
here, with the exception of loud lawn mowers and other implements it is
a quiet neighbourhood notwithstanding the low frequency hum, which was
not evident today. Yes often we hear the thump thump of music as a car
passes through and mostly when the driver pulls in at his or her
destination it is switched off. Irritating? Yes but something I guess we
have to accept. And at first I thought that this was the case here as
the noise was just so loud. But no this droning went on. No it was not
your local teenager turning up the volume of the TV, radio ,stereo or
whatever no this was our pensioner neighbour who was working in his
garden who obviously wanted to listen to a program whist gardening.
Having become aware of it, after a while we could here it in the house.
Often I do not know what is appropriate in such situations, after all I
do not wish to become known as the person who complains about
everything, you know the kind of person who complains when your dog
barks, or you slam the door that kind of thing. So I thought just let it
go and see what happens but after a while it began to drive me crazy. My
husband went to complain and our neighbour was okay about it and turned
it off saying he had not realised... ummm. I guess I have to give him
the benefit of the doubt.
But I than began to feel guilty I had not wanted to complain as it
might not happen again but my husband thought that if we did not do so
he would think that no one minded. Sometimes you really do not know what
to do about anything, everything it appears involves an enormous decision
and having once agonised and made that decision your mind does an about
turn and torments you with the notion that your decision was wrong and
that you should have done differently. I don't know if we were right to
complain, the noise was loud but no one else complained and for the most
part this neighbour is a nice person. And now I worry about an
awkwardness between us, although I rarely see him or his wife. Sometimes
I think I can never do or say anything right or make a right decision I
always manage to put my foot in it and say the wrong thing or overreact
but there again such is a matter of perspective. But is my perspective
borne of my OCD? Who knows after so many years, I do not. So for weeks to
come I will ruminate about this and wish we had let well alone and gave
him a chance before complaining. However notwithstanding my indecisive
doubts and lack of confidence in my reactions decisions and indeed
everything I say, think or do, is it really acceptable to take out a
radio, turn it on in your garden at full volume when you live in such
close proximity to other people.
There appears to be such a lack of consideration nowadays, and it is
most certainly not always on the part of the young either as most of us
are led to believe, for the most part these arts of inconsideration may
not be intentional nonetheless they are there with increasing
frequency and it is very worrying indeed.
September 24th
The earth
we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their
revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our
future.
Marya
Mannes
Amongst my e-mail this
morning is an invitation to sign a petition concerning the wanton
destruction of the unique environment of Tasmania by a logging company:
Gunns LTD. The destruction is an appalling blatant disregard for this
unique environment of old trees, some 400 years old, and the lives of
countless species of wild life which are killed as tracts of forest as
big as football pitches are destroyed by napalm bombs . This company is
taking the most unscrupulous measures imaginable. Please read the
petition introduction below and clink on the link to sign the petition.
" Australia's island state of Tasmania is home to unique ecosystems
that contain some of the Earth's most incredible plants and animals,
including the world's tallest hardwood trees and ancient old-growth
forests.
Tragically, these global treasures are being destroyed by the logging
company GUNNS LIMITED. Gunns cuts down more than 40 football fields of
pristine old-growth forests everyday, then firebombs the clear-cut land
with napalm, and poisons the surviving wildlife with 1080, a toxin
banned in many countries. Streams are polluted, 400 year old trees
destroyed, habitats incinerated, and threatened species killed."
Please join us now in the fight to save Tasmania's
incredible forests:
TELL GUNNS LTD. TO STOP ITS DESTRUCTION OF
TASMANIAN FORESTS AND WILDLIFE!
Save
Tasmania's Forests! Petition
If like me you feel strongly about his please
sign this petition. This effects all of us, this world belongs to all
including the countless species of creatures with whom we share this
planet, not only now but for generations to come. To day I am so angry I
cannot image how these people have been bellowed to exploit this unique
habitat solely for profit, simply for greed and for personal gain to the
detriment of us all . This causes unimaginable suffering for the animals
which inhabit Tasmania right now and has to be stopped.
There is
a sufficiency in the world for man's need but not for man's greed.
Mohandas K. Gandhi
Because we don't think about future generations, they will
never forget us.
Henrik Tikkanen
September
The loud volume of the advertising is unbearable at one pint I cover
my ears with my hands as a low frequency but very penetrating noise
feels like it is going right through my head.
Here I am yet again sitting in the dark and loud environment of the
cinema with a particularly nasty headache. I ask myself over and over
why the hell do I agree to this. I am angry, stressed and in pain of
course and I vow no never again will I subject myself to this torture if
I have a significant headache. So... why am I here in the first place?
Well I can imagine that for you my fellow OCDers I do not have to spell
it out for you as you will no doubt be quite familiar with this very
perverse and destructive aspect of OCD and that is the inability to say
no. Most people with OCD are people pleasers they cannot bear the
thought of having to turn down a request even if the fulfilling of that
request is of personal detriment to them.
My husband and son find it difficult to change plans as indeed do I
and unless the headache is a migraine I tend to struggle on, sometimes
it works out okay and it will ease off or I will cope. Yes even with a
trip to the cinema in fact the cinema was my first trip out back when
the headaches where extremely severe and I was determined to make a
stand against them and try and get out and live a normal life. However
sometimes with all the determination in the world a trip to the cinema
or other place which is exceptionally noisy or sensory stimulating is
just not sensible if I have a significant headache. Firstly because it
is... well painful and frightening should it escalate into a migraine,
secondly I can’t enjoy the film and thirdly it is of course expensive if
we have to leave the cinema half way through.
So why do I subject myself to this misery on a
regular basis? As I have already mentioned above we all have this
inability to change plans for various reasons some of these reasons are
not I believe at a conscious level. I in addition have an OCD anxiety
that I call the changing fate anxiety that involves fear if having
finally made a decision to travel somewhere or conversely not travel to
than change plans at the last minute, thinking that this will change
fate or circumstance with dire consequences. I am okay if someone else
changes the plans but I do not want to be the one making the decision I
do not want the responsibility, OCD suffers do not like having
responsibility for others even on a basic day to day level such as being
responsible for making a decision to go to the cinema or not go to the
cinema. All the rational argument I put forth in my mind, all the
self-talk makes no difference changing plans makes me uncomfortable at
the least, anxious at worst. I do make suggestions about going out but
once plans are made they seem to be written in stone it is very
difficult for me to explain to you our situation for it is indeed a
difficult one as all three of us do not function well - I do not like
the world dysfunctional. But I guess this describes our situation. My
son can make changes of plan when he is out alone and of the three of us
he seems to have a more rational perspective at least there is no
neurotic thinking behind his decisions. Nonetheless if we are together
and it is clear but nonetheless not blatantly obvious that perhaps we
should not go neither he nor my husband seem aware of the situation and
tend to go blindly forward oblivious that something has changed,
circumstance are no longer the same and there is a need to rethink the
situation. Once plans are made everyone just assumes they will go ahead.
That leaves me very anxious indeed and as a consequence it is difficult
for me to say no I cannot go here or there because I have a headache or
I am tried. The only time I am able to do so is if the situation is one
that is obvious to everyone that we simply cannot go for instance the
other week the bearings on the car needing immediate repair on the day
we had plans to go out.
Incidentally the film we saw The Children of Men was just awful. A
really gloomy futuristic film, the scenario: the human race is infertile
and chaos reigns. Ummmm the usual dose of negativity, a bizarre
scenario. Has anyone noticed that British films and TV series are more
darkly depressing than their equivalents elsewhere? Really not an
uplifting film at all. I really fail to see the entertainment value in
such films or are they to get a message across, if so what message, if
there is for the most part I missed it. Perhaps I am stupid but why
would infertility lead to chaos in society. After all does not the
wanton destruction of our environment amount to the same thing the
extinction of the human race and really do most people care about that.
From my experience it seems not but as my son pointed out: people
generally speaking people do not see the environmental problems such as
global warming as a reality. There are many greedy people in this world
only too ready to exploit the environment to feather their own nest in
the immediate now, they care nothing for future generations or indeed for
the generation in which they live nor for the other creatures with whom
we share this world.
Ironically it turns out that neither my son nor
my husband enjoyed the film and there was me gritting my teeth stressed
out to hell because I would feel guilty if we left half way through and
in this instance guilt being the greater anxiety provoker than the pain.
Why oh why did they not say something and we could have left .
I in fact had an idea this film would be gloomy
but again I did not like to say no. Yes of course there needs to be give
and take whenever we do things with other people but I think you do
occasionally have to say no if you are paying to see a film that you
find depressing. I think that those of us who suffer with depression
need to be perhaps a little more discerning about what we watch on TV,
in the cinema, read in books on the Net and so on. No I am not
suggesting that we should turn our backs on the world indeed I take
great interest and am concerned about animal rights and environmental
issues and so on but it is not good to have a constant diet of gloom and
doom partially when one seeks entertainment and distraction. Yes I have
seen documentaries at the cinema but that is a different issue I know
that is what I will be viewing and if it is a serious and possible
depressing subject I accept this. I guess what I am trying to say is
that there is far too much deliberate negativity disguised as
entertainment. If I did not know better well I could easily think there
was a conspiracy to make everyone depressed and stressed. Yes this film was
of course fiction but it nonetheless was depressing at least it was for
me but perhaps I am hypersensitive. Also it is very easy for a depressed
person to take on negativity and this is why we have to be so careful.
September
This morning I had to make a phone call to a casual friend to enquire
about the outcome of a doctor’s appointment. No big deal unless you have
difficulties with social interaction. I had put off making this call for
three days finding some excuse or another, it was too late to ring,
perhaps this person would not want me ringing straight the way or I have
headache. Yes it has to be said I can use headaches as an excuse
although this was just a mental excuse an excuse for myself to ease my
conscience and mitigate the other pressing anxiety which would be
classified as an OCD scrupulosity issue: my fear of not doing the right
thing and the dire consequences which may arise as a result as you may
have read about elsewhere on my website.
In this situation I have two opposing anxieties in direct opposition
to one another: My social anxiety virus my OCD induced anxiety about not
doing the right thing, a kind of scrupulosity issue. For three days the
society anxiety fears won but I was nonetheless tormented by the guilt
and fear precipitated by my OCD scrupulosity because I had not
telephoned this person to enquire into the outcome of her doctors
appointment. This person was out all day therefore I would not have this
torment during the day although the anxiety concerning this haunted me
off and on during the day in-between other OCD and social anxiety
related issues: The more anxiety provoking migrating or cancelling out
the less anxiety provoking thoughts. When the evening came I would than
be either obsessing for so long or embroiled in another anxiety vexing
issue that it would be forgotten until it was indeed too late to
telephone. Yesterday at around 7.clock I would keep asking my husband
shall I ring Eileen or leave it until tomorrow I am tired, perhaps it is
too late perhaps she would not appreciate a call so soon. And than as
the time slipped by it really is too late to call , this went on for
three days.
Finally I telephoned this morning it was stressful. I hoped that she
had gone out. Already I had procrastinated until after breakfast with a
variety of excuses mostly that now it was too early to telephone. If she
was not at home I could leave a message on her answering machine saying
I had called to make the enquiry and that either I or my husband would
ring back later. That way I could get my husband to telephone and it
would not appear as odd. Really people do not understand such problems
at all and it can appear odd if I get him to ring all the time so there
are times when I really have to telephone myself but this would be a
devious way of doing so that would not be so noticeable She answered the
phone and we chatted and things seemed not too bad until it was time to
finish the call and than I really do not know how to do this and I am
always left with the feeling that my exists have been either very abrupt
or long winded filled with rehearsed repertoires of take care now, look
forward to seeing you soon, after the person has told me they can’t
visit until a month or more time due to this or that. Really I do not
know how to close a conversation particularly one on the telephone it is
difficult for me to explain because even by writing although it is a
better medium of communication for me, it is nonetheless not easy for me
to explain the intricacies of the peculiar way my mind works. The
complicated thoughts, the complex web of torments that OCD weaves by
using not only OCD issues but also any co morbid conditions both mental
and physical to bring about constant torment. I have done my utmost to
explain precisely the nature and complexity of such issues but often
I feel that there is no way that I can really convey to you the pervasive
extent and complexity of the thoughts that enter my mind and make my
life a nightmare.
In retrospect of course it might have been
better simply to telephone this person on the evening that she had been
for the appointment but there was this anxiety just sitting there
stubborn, an inner dread of the social implications concerning my
anxieties on the telephone for instance becoming tongue tied,
inarticulate, perhaps even saying all the wrong things ,not knowing how
to finish the conversation the kind of thing that makes telephoning even
more difficult
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
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All comments are welcome including polite constructive
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