Links to recommended anxiety disorder blogs:

We are a family in a similar situation although our circumstances are less extreme.

The situation at the time of writing is: I am about ask my GP for a referral to return to the psychiatrist to try medication although I am not happy to take medication as I am anxious that it could make my migraine and headaches worse as in the past this appeared to be the case when taking Prozac. However my depression and ability to cope with my OCD has diminished so much I really need to at least try medication again. I may ask my psychiatrist once again to consider an assessment for Asperger’s or other autistic spectrum disorder but doubt that he will agree, as was the case previously. Concerning my son he does have regular visits with his GP and takes medication, which has helped his depression however his Asperger’s symptoms actually seem much more pronounced. We have no help from social services, but we have not requested any. I think many people slip through the net. If you are quiet and unassuming, make little fuss, cannot communicate effectively either your needs or your problems, find it difficult to show your emotions you will not get any help. This is the case for my family and I. It is no one’s fault, at least no particular person, it is the way the system is, a system that is in any case overloaded and under enormous pressure. There is simply not the time for a doctor or other health professional to sort out such complex problems: For instance I can communicate my problems better in writing. Sitting in the doctor’s surgery I cannot think fast enough to relate my problems effectively, I cannot articulate well enough to explain my situation. I am usually extremely stressed experiencing difficulty swallowing and needing to urinate because of the severity of my anxiety and I am often beset with OCD intrusive thoughts that have an effect on how I communicate with my doctor. The same occurs with the psychologist although there is of course more time which alleviates the pressure of trying to explain my situation in five or ten minutes, not that I have ever been rushed out of my doctors office. However neither the doctor nor the psychologist has time to read what I have written. I imagine that time and resources are the greatest problem with providing sufficient care for anyone who is in any way disabled or moreover to provide support that carers need particularly if the carers are themselves in need of care and support. The system of course needs to changed but in the foreseeable future this is unlikely.  However, it needs to be said that compared to many countries ...  Well I wonder how many countries have a bettor system than ours or any welfare system at all? Nonetheless there is room for improvement and in cases like the Aincow's considerable improvement.

Concerning the case of the Ainscow family I cannot understand how a man and a women who try to commit suicide in a welsh hotel can so easily be overlooked, such seems gross negligence. But there again we do not know all the facts and can make no judgement. There is so obviously a lot of pain for all concerned, the despair and hopelessness on behalf of the parents must have been profound for them to even contemplate suicide. I was annoyed that the parents where blamed, it is all to easy to blame the parents. I know only too well what that is like as some years ago now a CPN told me that my son was experiencing problems because he had learnt them from me. Yes his problem in an hereditary sense results from my being his mother because I have passed on the genes to him for both OCD and autism and that is my only contribution. I did my best under very difficult circumstances to make life as normal for my son as was possible but being dysfunctional myself and left pretty much to my own devices this was not easy. My husband likewise did his best in a difficult situation during my mid thirties when I was at home all day incapacitated by severe OCD while he had no choice but to work long hours in a local factory. And I imagine it is much the same for everyone. Bill and Wendy were obviously caring parents who cared for their daughter in the only way they knew how. It is not easy coping with a child or adult who has this sort of problem when you yourself are not functioning or coping with life. And of course anyone even a normal
well-balanced person after years of managing unsupported would of course be ill themselves from the effects of the strain this type of situation imposes.

Often parents make decisions and take actions that to others seem inappropriate and the wrong decision and after the fact these decisions give rise to criticism. My husband and I made many bad decisions which have severely effected the future of our son and indeed our own well-being. One of them was moving away from our home in the South East, a drastic change, a change which is not conducive to the well-being of people on the autistic spectrum who have great difficulty with even minor changes in routine. However I should point out that my son had at this time had not received a diagnosis for Asperser's syndrome. In retrospect we, or it was mostly me rather than my husband, made the decision under considerable stressful circumstances: my husband having been made redundant and the cost of living in the South East and various other factors less logical, such as the notion we would fit in and find social interaction less difficult than it appeared to be in the south east. And moreover, we liked the scenery... Yes believe it or not that was one of the rather immature reasons for moving. Before we moved my son had a job with the civil service and although he was having problems he was coping quite well. He has not had a job since moving here and is now unable to work because his depression and anxiety along with of course his Aspergers syndrome has made it impossible for him to do so. No doubt if our situation became as severe as the Ainscows we would no doubt be blamed. I think parents blame themselves enough without others doing so, I know I did and continue to do.

It is also not easy to watch your son go through life alone. My son has no friends and cannot be encouraged to try to find any and he is unable to work. His perservorations seem at this time more intensive, more pervasive and consuming and are becoming at times a significant distraction from cultivating his artistic abilities from which one day if his condition improves he may need to support himself. However concerning artwork depression of course plays a significant part in thwarting his motivation and his innate creativity. Depression often accompanies Aspergers syndrome as does anxiety. It is not easy to see a talent such as my son’s going to waste.

Our circumstances are nothing like that experienced by this unfortunate family in the documentary, yet life is not easy. And when you have done your best it is than difficult when your son seems unaware of your own personal pain both physical and mental. For instance whilst he natters on about this or that totally oblivious that you have a thumping headache. There are of course conflicts and his OCD tendencies can clash with mine and he fails often to understand my obsessions and compulsions if they are different to his. He fails to understand the severity of my OCD and how pervasive it is. He does see us as providers and does not see any incongruity with this and the fact he is an adult.

But other than that he is a good son and I would not change him for the world. He is very intelligent he has had many interests all of which although obscure by normal considerations are fascinating and he can relate to you in great detail information concerning his interests. He has a sense of humour all of his own and although often it is at our expense he does brighten up our day and brings a smile to our faces.

There is more to people with autism than the so called lack of “social skills” or “inappropriate behaviour.” Bear in mind sometimes that abnormalities are considered as such if they are inappropriate by consensus. I cannot give you the reference but I have read of a native American tribe who where somewhat puzzled by the white man’s need to talk about nothing of any importance, apparently their custom was to only speak to others when the need to do so arose. People engaging in superficial talk were according to their perspective not normal. And quite frankly I tend for the most part to agree with this point of view. Endless babble of conversation, sadly mostly these days self centred, drives me just crazy! However so called inappropriate conversation may also manifest in quite the opposite way and instead of a quiet shy person the Aspie
(An affectionate term for anyone with Asperger's syndrome) engages in exhaustive conversations centred on his or her intense interests. But what is so wrong with that? Nothing as far as I can see and sometimes all that is required is tolerance and understanding and the patience to listen to a child or adult who wishes to talk about something of which you may not have an interest even if it is about transport and other obscure topics which seem popular perserverations with many people on that autistic spectrum. Why is it normal to have conversations about your friends and relatives, think about it, most people you know will tell you all about their friends and relatives and expect you to remember all the names and details and this type of conversation is normal! It drives me just crazy. Small talk for an entire conversation also drives me nuts, I cannot engage in small talk. Don’t you find that it is difficult for people these days to take an interest in another particularly if he or she is not interested in the topic of conversation or the other persons interest. Often you are interrupted quite abruptly or people tend to avoid you or take a heated conversation personally when all you are doing is airing your opinion concerning a sensitive issue. My next door neighbour used to take my political ramblings as a personal attack. A fictional scenario in David Attwood’s book: A complete Guide to Aspergers syndrome describes a situation of the mother of a child who has invited an Aspie friend to her party. The Aspie child arrives and talks
non-stop about his interest in batteries, the mother begins to get restless and impatient after the child has talked non stop for about ten minutes. Consider the woman's attitude , now is that not rude and anti social? A person with Aspergers or other type of autism will probably not notice the women's boredom nonetheless surely it is curtsey to listen to anyone regardless as to whether or not the topic of conversation is of interest. After all any subject of which you have no interest will appear tedious even if it is of popular interest such as football. Notwithstanding this surely the right thing to do is to just simply listen to another and not label him or her as odd, exocentric or dysfunctional because they think differently, have different interests. I am sure I would much prefer to hear a child talk about his battery collection than have someone waffle on for hours about Uncle Tom Cobbly and all. If you ask me few people have any social skills.

I think that both parents where very courageous and they loved their daughter and did their best against all odds and it is time now that both mother and daughter where given the help and support they need.

I did try to get some help for my son when he was about fourteen as I was becoming concerned about his depression. A CPN came to talk to him but he denied there was problem and in fact denied it so well they considered that he was not in any need of help. So it is not easy for parents or mental health professionals to ascertain the real needs in any situation unless the situation becomes extreme. Moreover since services have been farmed out to the private sector as for instance home helps for the elderly there is little coordination or co-operation at least that is the way it appeared to me concerning my
brother-in-law's situation which I may discuss another time.

People who are on the autistic spectrum and those of us with mental health issues do have much to offer, however for the most part we do need outside support and encouragement. I think that often the situation rises that needs go unnoticed when symptoms are less obviously severe, at least less overtly so when people with high functioning autism and Aspergers may be seen as able to cope as opposed to the more severely effected autistic child or adult who is mute, uncommunicative withdrawn and has more pronounced and unmanageable behaviour difficulties. Autism is a baffling and diverse condition and many people understand only the child who sits in a corner and speaks to no one or the autistic savant such as portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in the Rain man. But autism is a continuum, there are various shades, manifestations and degrees. An Aspie may seem intelligent, have comprehensive knowledge of his or her keen interests, some are articulate and have an incredible memory but he or she may not be able to cope with normal day to day living unsupported. Many people receive no such support and this is most likely the case even concerning those classified as less functional as described above.

Often such support is not easy for parents to provide, parents are not always the right persons for this. Moreover of course they do not have either the resources or the expertise and as I have already mentioned may themselves be suffering from health problems even it if is as a consequence of the stress which results from caring for any person with a disability.

There are voluntary organisations but again you have to put yourself forward in the case of an adult autistic much encouragement may be required and often like any other son or daughter encouragement from parents is less effective than encouragement offered from elsewhere. The autistic society offer a good range of help including an help line and local social groups for adult high functioning autistics and Aspergers which meet once each month. My son has attended three or four of these meetings and went with the group on a day trip to York, but for the last three months for one thing and another he has missed these meetings. It is no easy matter to try to persuade him to contact the group’s organiser, he did not receive notification of the groups meeting place this month and he will not telephone to make an enquiry as telephoning is problematic for many people with Aspergers syndrome. Nether does he like me interfering and telephoning. I myself have difficulty telephoning as those of you who have read my blog will know so it is no easy matter to try and encourage someone to do something which you yourself hesitate to do although I will make phone calls when it is absolutely necessary to do so. It is not easy for parents to provide the support needed, it can be frustrating, exasperating particularly when you are not well yourself.

Both I and my son have a befriender. This was arranged for me by the last CPN that I saw a couple of years ago and was meant to provide me with someone to talk with as they now could not go on indefinitely providing me with a CPN. My son sees a befriender provided by the autistic society. These befrienders are voluntary workers they have no formal training although I believe some basic training is given although my son is lucky that his befriender has a degree in psychology. He gets on well with this person with whom he shares many interests and because of this his social communication problems are less difficult and he enjoys his weekly meetings for coffee, a chat and the occasional shopping trip or visit to the cinema. My befriender is a friendly most pleasant chatty lady, she did invite me to go out for a coffee, shopping and so on but I can’t to go out with anyone other than my husband for reasons discussed in other entries. So we sit and chat and that is about it. Befrienders do serve a purpose but most do not have the necessary skills to provide support and I hardly ever mention my problems and we just sit and chat my befriender doing most of the talking. So I guess this provides a small respite for both my son and I and gives an opportunity for normal interaction with another person, although of course your definition of normal might not be the same as that of the general consensus.

My son however who has an official diagnosis rarely has tantrums and if you where to meet him you would probably not recognise him as an Aspie; he may seem perhaps a little shy; he might find it difficult to engage in small talk; he may seem depressed perhaps or anxious. He may appear somewhat aloof, he may not respond when you speak to him his attention is focused elsewhere. When he is at home and he is absorbed in his perserverations he may appear to be deaf or rude but he is simply intensely occupied and does not hear you.

Alongside what may be considered as deficiencies there are often simultaneous benefits arising from the more positive aspects of autism/ Aspergers syndrome. People on the autistic spectrum exhibit a propensity for being able to focus intensely and to sustain such intensity for long periods of time, although this may sometimes be seen as a disadvantage if for instance the autistic person is preoccupied with for example computer games at the expensive of all else. However this propensity can have a more positive side if the focus is directed in a productive way. Not that there is of course anything wrong with intense focus on a computer game but of course such begins to be a problem if time is not directed towards less interesting but essential daily tasks such as working or going to school and so on. Many people on the autistic spectrum have an enhanced ability to learn however this may only occur with subjects in which they are interested. In a learning situation where their behaviours are understood, the teachers are supportive and encouraging many autistics can accomplish much. Many autistic people have a social conscience and are involved in righting social injustice. It is a characteristic of people with autism to never tell a lie; they are totally honest, never deceitful or devious. Sometimes their blatant honesty may be seen as inappropriate when they tend to say what they think but most in any case learn appropriate social skills to prevent what may seem an insensitive albeit honest remark despite difficulties to pick up social cues. People with autism are analytical, methodical, precise and do well in professions where such abilities are required, for instance scientists, architects engineers. Many excel at languages, mathematics, music and art. When involved in employment or vocations of which they are interested they are hard and reliable workers. Many excel in professions where exacting detail is required.

It is not easy to judge any situation and to do so from a TV programme is
well... inappropriate.

I think the Ainscow family where rather neglected. Moreover the callous behaviour towards Lisa and the lack of understanding for a person who cannot bear to be touched, a problem effecting people with autism/Aspergers syndrome, when Lisa was forcible detained and dragged into an ambulance for committal under the mental health act was an outrage, a compassionless act indicating how little understanding there is for people with this sort of problem.

Furthermore I think the fact that these people lost their home was an appalling social injustice. Mr Ainscow had stolen money from where he worked and also run up a debt because of the situation with this daughter.  For this he received a custodial sentence of 18 months and had to pay back the money he stole and owed. The mitigating circumstances surrounding this misdemeanour seemed not to be taken into account. To my thinking this is a gross social injustice, there was no compassion, no consideration of the enormous stress that these people where under which induced this otherwise law abiding citizen to carry out this, in my opinion, minor offence.  Neither the sentence nor the requirement to pay back the debt showed the least digress of compassion and compounded an already difficult situation for people whom society had already turned its back on.

I sincerely send my heartfelt wishes for both the mother and daughter and hope that their circumstances improve and that each can find some happiness.

November 6th

I may have some mild form of dyslexia. Yes of course I can read and write fluently albeit  not concisely and inaccurately but I can’t spell and would not be able to write anything as complex or as public as my writings for my website and blog if it where not for spell checkers. Interesting though and I do not know if this is a dyslexic tendency but obscure words such as foreign non western ,or sometimes even western names not in general use, I do not bother to pronounce when reading, but rather I see them as a picture. In other words I recognise the form the word takes rather than struggle with an unfamiliar pronunciation. For instance I am interested in Tibet, its culture and religion, some of the names of the deities have several syllables. Often it is quite a task while reading to pronounce these unfamiliar words even mentally with the ease that you would pronounce Michael or Paul almost without trying it is so automatic. Instead I make a mental picture I recognise the word and have an associated mental image if this is appropriate in my minds eye. Whether this is simply laziness or a dyslexic thing I do not know. I do not tend to do this so much with complex multi syllable scientific words which are derived from Latin, as these seem easier to pronounce more natural. In fact concerning words of more western origin it is often easier to spell longer multi-syllabic words rather than shorter ones particularly words that are not pronounced phonetically. What is really odd while reading books or indeed much of what is on the net I do not notice the American spellings? Indeed in a way it does seem particular that one can read perfectly, if I take into consideration the idiosyncratic way I read obscure multi-syllabic words into consideration, yet when it comes to spelling there is a significant stubbing block.

Despite the description of me at age eight in a letter from a psychiatrist to my GP describing me as a precocious child with an adult manner I had, although I can’t recall, difficulty reading and that I was apparently frustrated by this situation. The tendency to miss out words, reverse letters is a dyslexic symptom. Making mistakes is due perhaps to ADD I would imagine. Yes I know you are thinking perhaps that this woman considers she has everything. Yes I do... well not everything but many other disorders and conditions compound my OCD and depression, either significant traits of these disorders and conditions or a full diagnosis. OCD and depression are however the only conditions of which I have a formal diagnosis and are the only conditions where there is absolutely no doubt that I suffer quite severely with both of these maladies.

I am reading a book mentioned earlier by David Atwood: A Complete Guild to Aspergers syndrome. Although I have only as of yet read a few pages it is already quite illuminating and has already confirmed for me my suspicions that OCD and Asperger’s indeed other type of autism have a connection with OCD. Moreover it is at last 46% likely that a first degree relative of someone with Aspergers syndrome will have significant traits, even if those traits are not sufficient for a formal diagnosis these traits are nonetheless significant and the person concerned would benefit from the same treatment strategies which help people with a full diagnosis of Aspergers. So I know I have at least traits and significant traits of Aspergers syndrome/ autism. Also of interest is the fact that many autistics present with OCD. tourettes syndrome, ADD, dyslexia to name just a few. So you see it is not by any means cut and dry, there are many overlaps, degrees of severity and each condition or traits of each condition intermingle to form an often-unique complexity. We are very complicated and diverse beings indeed. My psychologist said there were many overlaps, boundaries were blurred. But all additional conditions whether traits or full-blown effect my OCD and it is my belief that this is the reason that for me personally my OCD is intractable. My life is extremely difficult and somehow in order to make something of my life I have to recognise and know what is going on. And this most certainly applies to my writing concerning all the worrying obsessing and checking that is my OCD. But I must recognise that I can check, check, check and check some more and I will still never have the perfect piece of fluent writing accurately concise, correctly spelt, (even with the spell checker mistakes are made and I do not always easily recognise them) grammatically correct and without mistakes of any kind. Often I compare myself to others with OCD who write for internet blogs, websites and so on and I noticed that few make mistakes at least not to the extent that I do. But perhaps they do not have mild dyslexia, ADD, Asperger’s and so on. Concerning such mistakes I have to recognise my writing will never be perfect. Moreover lately I have made all kinds of huge mistakes. Yesterday I was horrified when looking over my website on-line to find I have entered an incorrect e-mail address had linked to a page that is under construction so was not meant to have been linked to in the first place let alone uploaded to the server and available on the net. The links in my new hyper linked version of my book where not working, a link in my blog roll to another blogger was not correct it had a link to a particular entry rather than to the home page and the most current entry, it had been like this for months and only today did I realise this. There were many other but perhaps less noticeable mistakes. I was horrified and there followed a stress filled hour or so of exhaustion trying to rectify these mistakes.

November 8th

The following link there are suggestions that may be useful even if you do not specially suffer from SAD but nonetheless are affected by the dark dull days of winter.

Tips to Reduce or Prevent SAD Symptoms

November 9th

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the worst mental disorders out there because of the way it manifests itself; a living nightmare. OCD attacks the patient daily, minute after minute with intrusive thoughts and distorted thinking that cause great distress to the patient, making them feel like they are going crazy and that there is nothing they can do".

I found this very interesting blog this morning, the description of OCD above is just so accurate and insightful and the video clip is so moving, it is a good insight into the unhappiness of OCD. To read the full entry and view the video click the link below.

Depression, Anxiety, Stress Self Help.

November 10th

My depression seems to fluctuate sometimes for reasons I cannot fathom particularly the kind of depression that is experienced first thing in the morning, the heavy feeling bearing me down almost like a sickness. There are also escalations in my depressive mood the course of which is easily recognised with a particular thought or occurrence either of significance or of a trivial nature. Today I awoke with the awful feeling of depression which was quite profound. Maybe it is an automatic response that begins even before I am awake. Some days I dread more than others either because of outside circumstances such as for instance today and yesterday having to have my boiler repaired, or having to cope with an appointment or other unavoidable commitment. Some days are more problematic because of depressing thoughts of a particular persistent and adhesive nature, thoughts that haunt me barely before waking.

I feel so restricted by my OCD, more so lately. Its pervasive nature which has taken away my life is really taking a tight hold on my activates on the computer and this website. I woke this morning with a certain dread, the thought of trying to get entries for my blog ready to publish filled me with despair. One particular entry is really a trail of misery, of checking, ruminating, doubting and procrastination. I have read it over and over until I am sick of it and still there are doubts, fears of causing harm and now as I write this more intrusive thoughts beset me, thoughts which I am too afraid to share with you, thoughts which are inhibiting, crippling my endeavour to tell you about the misery that is OCD. If you are a sufferer you will of course know the misery that is OCD. It is that on-going struggle to do just about anything without OCD rearing its ugly head, it is that continual struggle to live a normal life, to save your soul so to speak from the enslavement of OCD. The more you give in the bigger it gets, the more pervasive, the more encroaching until you have nothing left.

Fortunately I had had a shower, well two in fact before it broke down. The repairman came to fix it late in the afternoon. I hid upstairs; I never greeted this person not even to say hello. Other than people I know well and that is now only my befriender I avoid association with anyone where I will have to make conversation. My social interaction problems have become so severe that I have no contact with anyone other than with this person and of course my husband and son. And moreover yesterday I felt I had inadvertently upset her when I suggested that her son might have Aspergers syndrome because from how she describes him he appears so similar to my son. So now today I ruminate about this possibilty particularly as my son seemed shocked that I had suggested such a thing.

I felt really guilty ignoring the repairman, it was so impolite and today I will at least try just to say hi or as they say here in the northeast hiya. Yes he has to come back today to fit a new part. He did get the boiler working but it needs this part to continue working. I can’t imagine how I would cope without hot water. It is 6.55 it is still dark and the thought of all the anxiety involved really makes my heart sink and I wonder that when I have to go and take a shower if there will be any hot water.

November 11th

Is there any animal which is left alone and unmolested by the human race? Apparently not. You might not believe this and if you did not have access to a computer and the internet you would probably not know of this shocking situation. The Japanese are about to kill 20,000 dolphins, porpoises and whales. If you are as appalled and as shocked as I am please take time to write and send your comments to the Japanese Embassy. Click this link where you will find an e-mail form for you to complete and a template message which may be edited if you wish and which will be sent to the Japanese Embassy northamerica.oceana.org: Action Center

November 12th

I came across this very positive website well worth a visit for a more inspiring and positive perspective of life.

Quote-A-Day: Daily Good News From CharityFocus.org

I signed up for the daily quotation, subscribers receive a  link to a positive article each day and a quotation or positive thought.

November 14th

Yes indeed the sunshine even on an day in autumn does so much to lift ones mood or should I perhaps say a sunny day makes one feel less depressed. Although of course the last statement is less positive than the first it is more the way I feel. It is rather like the glass is half full opposed to the glass is half empty and of course I being of an hypernegative nature always say my glass is completely empty. Yes I am indeed a negative person but it would be difficult would it not for someone with the health problems I have to be positive.

Nonetheless a bright sunny day brings about an improvement in my well-being and had the day been dull gloomy and overcast I would most certainly notice the difference in my mood and motivation. Today we are back once again in beautiful Teesdale, it is cold and the wind is blowing a gale but the sun is glorious, the sky is blue, the trees are a dazzle of autumnal colours. Yes of course there are problems, for me such is inevitable.

The toilets being closed down due to vandalism, and I intend to have a good ole ramble about that one at some later date, means our visit to high force waterfall will be brief. This increases my anxiety not to mention my anger. I am of course on the alert for the approach of dogs as we make our way down the glorious tree lined path alongside the fast flowing Tees river leading to the waterfall. I scan my environment always alert for any problems of an OCD nature. I am never relaxed my attention is never distracted from my fears, my anxieties. My hackles are raised, I hear the approach of other people I turn and stare checking to see if they have dog. As I stand and watch this amazing water fall and listen to he roar of the water as it cascades down a drop of 21 metres into the plunge pool below. I am tense turning frequently to watch the only exit up a flight of rather steep steps should a dog suddenly appear, even if it did come bounding down the is no where really to go should it come in my direction. Because of my anxiety and my inability to keep still and relax our vist is brief. But others have been and gone whilst we stood there watching the water and taking photographs. People today seem to take little time for anything and part from a group of students several people come and go in rapid succession.

We go on to Cows Green reservoir again the visit has to be brief, fortunately today my IBS and irritable bladder are not such a problem, a small respite in a very bad episode which has restricted my ability to go out indiscriminately. Last time we came here the previous week we had to return to the nearest town because of the situation with public toilets. This time we stop by the pub we mostly do so anyway. It is a pleasant pub usually relatively quiet although there is the usual background groaning of some singer or other who appears to sing rather like myself; tuneless on one note. But it is pleasantly situated with some splendid views of the hills. I am anxious should there be a dog, there never has been but you just do not know. They have no pineapple juice I would of course like wine or other alcoholic drink but headaches and alcohol don't mix. I ask for tomato juice, the barman goes to the fridge for one of those cartons. I panic he has not even checked the dates perhaps it is past the two or three day limit for consumption once the carton is open. Making excuses about the weather and cold drinks I settle for coffee. I than worry about the coffee: are the cups clean, is the water hot, the usual thing. I never really enjoy meals or drinks out because of the anxiety of  food poisoning. The music is much louder then usual it is crowded... ell... four people, crowded for me usually there is no one else here.

We notice a small waterfall by the side of the road flowing from the hills, in thousands of years time this will be as huge as high force. I ponder the passing of time, these unimaginable vast swathes of time, such thoughts often produce existential anxieties. I try to take a photograph but there is rusty barb wire obscuring the view. My husband gets out and holds down the wire and tries to take a photograph I panic if he scratches himself on the wire he might get sceptacemia I call and call for him to leave the wires alone he takes no notice he is very stubborn at times. He does not understand my concerns after all there are so many of them. He seems just not to see the potential threat associated with just about everything - at least a threat according to my perspective.

The day is thwart by these and many other anxieties of a similar nature, there is really never any peace. I am constantly struggling with on going threats as I perceive such to be. In addtion there is the constant gnawing anxiety, ruminative worries crowding my mind playing back their anxiety provoking scenarios over and over. I am aware of the superb beauty of our environment as we travel through this region of the northeast yet all the while my mind is crowed with worrying thoughts, anxieties fear and apprehensive alertness.

Returning home along a fairly busy main road there is a sheep grazing on the grass verge it has escaped from a nearby field. I panic. I see my husband's face sink he knows I will feel it is our responsibility to do something about it, but what, it is growing dark and if we try and chase it back into the field it might panic and run amok over the road. I feel guilty leaving it hoping it will go back into the field of its own volition and not either get itself killed or cause and accident. I would liked to have gone to find the farmer but this is no easy matter if the farmhouse is not in obvious view. I feel guilty and had my husband agreed would probably have gone roaming round the countryside in search of assistance.

Most trips out conclude with mixed feelings some are a nightmare, few I can with any honesty say I really enjoyed in any real sense of he word  but today was better than some days. Or rather again the day was less of a misery than some others have been. Again of the two statements the second although less positive is the more accurate.

My husband did take some great photos of all the lovely autumnal colours here are just two.

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You can access more Autumnal colours and photographs of High Force by clicking. John's Photograph download page

November 15th

Pain or suffering of any kind, if long continued, causes depression and lessens the power of action; yet it is well adapted to make a creature guard itself against any great or sudden evil.
Charles Darwin

Whilst travelling in the car going along the A1 my most feared and hated major road after the M1 and the M25... yes you have got it I do not like major roads people drive like the devil is after them as though they have no fear, no concept of death or serious disabling injury occurring to themselves or others. As a truck cuts across another motorist with only inches to spare it occurs to me that a little neurosis here would not come amiss, a little fear is vital to our survival and indeed a little anxiety does much to protect us from rash irresponsible actions that endanger not only ourselves but others. The thought occurred to me that in fact neurosis is a survival mechanism maybe one that is highly exaggerated in people with anxiety disorders but it is nonetheless necessary to a degree for our continued existence and some people would do well to cultivate a little neurotic caution.

Are OCD, GAD or indeed any anxiety disorder survival adaptations to “ make a creature guard itself against any great or sudden evil.”

A little neurosis is vital to survival but the continual onslaught of anxiety and the constant invasion of your mind by unwanted thoughts of an abhorrent, distressing and anxiety provoking nature takes all the joy from life, it is disabling. yes indeed suffering of any kind lessens the power of action in all manner of ways and instead of being a pro survival mechanism can become a destructive force even if it does provide you with a chance to rehearse. And I have found that no matter how much we have been "rehearsing" anticipating a catastrophe or tragic circumstances the reality if such transpires often brings about a far greater fear than we have imagined

November 16th

People with OCD scan their environment

I cannot recall where I have read this, perhaps it is the article above, but I am going to ignore the compulsion to read all through it again, but no matter suffice it to say somewhere I have read the comment that people with OCD scan their environment when they are out, always on the alert for potential threats concerning their own specific OCD fears such as contamination threats to name the most obvious. So... Yes! Yes! That is so true. I had not thought of this before but I do do this. I scan my environment both visually and audibly, watching listening for potential problems, always mindful of the need to avoid sources of possible contamination. It is habitual, an automatic response so entrenched I do not stop to think about it nether am I aware that this happens until reminded. As I walk along my eyes are fixed to the pavement scanning for signs of dog mess or unidentified stains or any of the muck and trash that can precipitate contamination anxiety and cause me much stress enough to make me disinfect my shoes, wash my cloths and in extreme cases throw them away. And if horror of horrors I walk such contaminants into my home I can be severely effected in such a way that there can be an escalation in symptoms overall leading to severe limitations of my activates in my own home. 

November 23rd

I would appreciate some comments please from anyone who can give me some advice on the following.  My doctor prescribed citalopram a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor SSRI for my OCD and depression. However many years ago now 15 or 16 I was prescribed Prozac. This medication made my migraine much worse and more frequent it also precipitated chronic daily headache CDH both of which I suffer with today as those of you who have read my memoir will know. For three years though  I had CDH 24/7 along with frequent awful migraine. The fear of this happening again is overwhelming.  What I am asking is if you are taking this medication or any other serotonin reuptake inhibitor and you are a sufferer of migraine have you noticed any increase in the frequency or severity of attacks. It was I who requested this medication from my doctor because of the increase in severity of my depression and also my son has made improvements because of this medication but now I am panicking as the patient hand out lists migraine as a possible side effect. I spoke with a pharmacist who assures me he fills out many prescriptions and most people tolerate this medication without too many problems but because of the problem with Prozac and the fact that I already suffer with migraine from one to as many as four each week I am just too scared to take this drug at least without some advice from others who suffer with migraine and have taken this or similar medication.  If you can comment please I would be grateful. 

My doctor spent nearly half an hour with me concerning my OCD and this medication and I would feel very guilty to dismiss it out of hand. Also I do not wish to miss an opportunity to alleviate my depression . Sometimes when you have the problems I have it is not easy to know whether any decision that you make is sound and often fear takes over. However I do have to be very careful. My headaches and migraine are debilitating enough now I most certainly do not wish to return to a situation were I have no relief 24/7 from one or the other or both.

The confusing thing is that SSRIs are sometimes used as a preventive for migraine yet I have my own experience  which indicates otherwise and there are others who have claimed that this medication  increases rather than reduces migraine. So I am really confused a few personal experiences would help me to make a decision. I had a friend with OCD who also has migraine who is taking SSRI but I do not see her now so I can't ask but she seemed to experience no increase in her migraine so I am really so confused and obsessing. I guess it is obsessing but how do I make a decision, it is not easy is it. I find because of my social integration /anxiety problems it is difficult to express my concerns to my GP I had great difficulty talking with the pharmacist who seemed not to understand my concerns, it is easier for me to express myself in writing. Any advice please will be appreciated. I do not wish to put anyone off taking this medication which I understand is very effective, this is why I do not wish to dismiss this out of hand and I would imagine this problem only occurs if you are already a sufferer of migraine and even than not in every case.

November 24th

Depression really is quite a burden this morning, a heavy sinking feeling, a tightness in my chest a feeling of misery not easily shaken. You know I cannot describe to you in some many words what it feels like. My doctor recently described my depression as mild. Perhaps in comparison to someone with manic depression during the deep depressive episodes symptomatic of this condition it is, but mild I think does not really describe how I feel. I have described my depression before it‘s as though there are two types of depression, a milder, but I would not say mild to imply that it is of little concern, constant depression ticking over in the background with episodes of a deeper more profound depression when I have little motivation and withdraw into a decline that might involve such behaviour as curling up on the settee and sleeping. Even when my depression is relatively mild, at least in comparison to that of others but it is difficult to make comparisons, to me it is nonetheless a significant burden.

The same situation can rise with a mental illness. Did anyone see the documentary about Stephen Fry the actor and writer who for all intents and purposes is a successful person... who would have guessed that he suffers with bipolar disorder. The same situation occurs here with OCD there can be areas where you can appear to function. However oftentimes for people with mental health problems, and most particularly concerning OCD, what appears to be coping is actually a facade. Underlying the veneer of such an appearance lies a huge struggle with ones mind, and for me personally also with my body as after so many years of anxiety it manifests many problems which are brought about as a result of such continuous stress. For instance tension headaches and IBS to name just two of the illnesses that make my life difficult. The creation and maintenance of this website does not go without hindrance from OCD, OCD rears its ugly head, it makes much of what I do a misery of anxiety and fear as it does in any other endeavour in my life. And I do not exaggerate, there is no area of my life that is not affected by my OCD, there is no thought or action that OCD does not pervert, and interfere with. The creation and maintenance of this website is an enormous struggle it can bring much anxiety, it has precipitated many new obsessions and compulsions, it is no easy matter. Yes it does have its advantages it is a distraction notwithstanding the obsessions and compulsions that have arisen as a result of this endeavour.

But please bear in mind my website is just about the only area of my life that I can cope with and than only after a fashion relative to the above description concerning my difficulties to maintain this endeavour. Moreover you do not see the hours I put in or experience these struggles that I have to keep coming here and sharing with you my experiences or the anxiety and the inner turmoil as I ruminate and obsess whether or not to publish this or that entry article or comment. Often it can take days, weeks even years. The latest article OCD hyperresponsibility/ hypermorality was written over eighteen months ago now. Every now and again I would look over this article and see something that I feared would cause harm to another and I was extremely apprehensive about publishing. On a more rational level I am of course aware that such notions are due to my OCD but this inner rationality is too weak and is easily overpowered by my OCD perverted logic. The aforementioned article you see was only finally published with some editing; a good section of the original content was removed because of my OCD anxieties that my comments would cause harm. If I had not done this this article may never be published and I could in theory go on and on reading it over and over ruminating, obsessing, struggling. A never ending round of indecisive misery

Well it is now 6.45, has my depression eased after all that writing? Sometimes it does help to write about the way I feel, and indeed it helps to write about anything. Writing for me is often an excellent distraction but today sadly I feel little improvement in my depression. I think I am concerned about my new medication I really do not know what to do concerning this. I do not wish to risk making my migraine worse? This outcome is a possibility but not an inevitability but I cannot help thinking about how ill I was when I took Prozac? Often mental health professionals and even the pharmacist whom I asked for advice will tell you that some side effects are inevitable and you should weigh the advantages against the disadvantages but in the case of severe headaches 24/7 and an increase in frequency and severity of migraine there really is no way that the alleviation of my depression could compensate. How on earth could it? Think about it... there is no way I would not be depressed whilst suffering so intensely from unremitting pain now is there. I do feel guilty that I requested this medication without thinking it through. I was caught on the hop, I did not realise my doctor may want to try to help me himself rather than refer me back to the psychiatrist so I had not thought through which medication I would be particularly anxious about taking and the side effects.

So I feel just awful if I do not now at least try to take this medication but I am so afraid I just do not think I could go through all that pain again. Things are still not easy and each day I have some kind of headache but there is now many more hours headache free and I do not want to loose this improvement. I cannot stand anymore of this OCD yet I do not wish relief at the expensive of an increase in migraine and CDH.

I can still hear that noise from the factory, last night it was the loudest it has ever been. I am angry it is so loud, it cannot be masked by playing a CD, it has hummed all through the night, it a torment most profound. The noise is so pervasive my son can hear it in the back room. I shall complain and continue to complain until something is done. My anger as much as anything has made my sleep more troubled and disturbed than usual.

Today this morning I have hysterics I seem so overwhelmed, crying does mitigate my depression somewhat but it can bring about or make an existing headache worse and even in some case precipitate a migraine. Aggggghhh some days are just too much to bear and this looks like it is going to be one of them

November 28th

Well if this lack of motivation and writer's block continues there will not be many more entries next month. I did not get out of bed this morning until 5.45 I was pervaded by depression and despite the usual round of ruminative and intrusive thoughts and a bizarre phrase from my past repeating over and over in my head it was a struggle. Yes of course it is early but usually the thoughts drive me out of bed to get away from them, on many occasions recently as early as 4AM . Since the clocks have been altered here in the UK I have woken at about 3am and often it is a struggle to go back to sleep and usually about 4 to 4.30 I have to get up as I cannot stand the torment from within not to mention all those aches and pains. But today I just could not get up it is as though I am paralysed. Please do to take that literally, as of course I speak of mental paralysis, the kind where when depression is really significant you cannot motivate yourself even to get up from a seating position into a standing one or in this case from a lying down position into a standing position.

I am still obsessing about my medication, fearful to take a dose. This of course is most likely a fear borne of OCD but of course who knows, these fears may be legitimate. This medication is sometimes used as a migraine preventative but still there is that fear, there is a connection between serotonin and migraine, a connection that from my understanding implies that there is a rise of serotonin in the brain during a migraine attack and of course as these pills effect serotonin levels I am anxious. And of course there was the problem when I first took Prozac. However the basic problem is that I simply cannot get past this fear. Like any other of the umpteen thoughts and the thousands of fears that present and have presented all my life I cannot get past it. Yes of course I have not given in to all my fears and in time this fear also may ease, it is not as big a fear as it once was; at one time I would not even have gone to the doctors to ask for any type of antidepressant. But for now I am just too fearful. Today I was going to try a half dose but I was simply too scared. I hate myself for my fears I hate OCD and the web of fear and anxiety it weaves into my life. I hate it that I cannot express myself and communicate effectively to others. I really hate it that I do not know what the hell to do. I dread going back to my doctor. I am not opposed to all depression medication now and feel I have the courage to take another type of drug an older type of drug which I have taken in the past with few problems that does not have this migraine threat but oh the worry of it all. I have another week before seeing my doctor during which the torment will drive me crazy.

November 30th

Concerning the phenomena of intrusive music, which I assumed everyone experienced. I have just been discussing this by e-mail with an e-mail friend of mine who also has OCD and who also experiences the phenomena of intrusive music, words and imagines. Since reading the article included in a previous entry I have been more aware of what is happening in my mind and just how crowded it is with all the intrusive thoughts of not only an OCD nature, the thoughts or obsessions that drive the compulsions, but also with a background of music, repetitive words, phrases, whole sentences and a continuous round of images in my minds eye. I know of course the OCD thoughts are not normal but what of the other thoughts, the music and repetitive phrases, does everyone experience this.

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.