November 2nd

The present trend to drape the settee and easy chairs with colourful throws is a real boon to OCDers such as myself with fears of contamination. I am not saying for one minute that such a solution to this quite common contamination issue is ideal, neither do I encourage anyone to address their fears in this way permanently. However it might help you to cope during times when you are really severely effected by your OCD and you are not in a position to try and fight it or you are not being supported as you have no mental health care. Such a solution may save a lot of unhappiness, stops you from ruining your furniture by soaking it in disinfectant or in extreme cases throwing it away or having to resort to using sheets as I did many years ago. Also using throws to either protect your settee from contamination or to make a previously contaminated settee feel safe again by covering it with throws, that you can than wash may once again allow you to have people enter your home. At least these colourful throws do not draw attention to your problems as using sheets would as was the case for me many years ago when throws of this type were not available.

During difficult times in my life when my OCD was indeed severely overwhelming I was anxious to allow anyone into the house but continued to do so simply because it was not easy to say no and I did not wish to either isolate myself or draw attention to my problems and I would clean and disinfect the carpet and the chairs that anyone had sat in or walked on as the case may be. This was particularly the case if I knew my visitor owned a dog or did something I knew, at least  that according to my abhorrent perspective, involved becoming contaminated, such as a gardener, anyone who handled chemicals, had contact with animals - well the list is long but I am sure you get the idea. Eventually cleaning the settee in this way was exhausting and the house constantly smelling of stale disinfectant was unpleasant to say the least . I had either to use sheets to cover the settee as I was not able to sit on it or I had to cover the settee with sheets or bed covers when a visitor came and than wash the covers or sheets afterwards. As there came a time that no matter how much I cleaned it felt contaminated I eventually had to resort to covering the settee with sheets all the time as I was too anxious to use it and we could not afford a new one.

At the time of writing I need to cover my new settee whenever anyone one calls although there are increasingly few occasions now when we have anyone in the house as I am finding it just too difficult. I do not give into all my obsessions and compulsions however there are situations when trying to ignore such a compulsion to over the settee could result in serious stress which at the moment I am not able to deal with. Therefore right now concerning my settee I need to work round the problem rather than confront it. No of course this is not the ideal way and again I strongly stress I am not advocating such as a permanent  solution but instead as merely a band aid if you like to allow me to cope during this extremely difficult time in my life when I have so little support in terms of mental health care.

My headaches were a mixture of tension headache and migraine, the migraine had in fact been alleviated the tension headace was so severe it had been hard to tell the difference, the tension headache remained but was bearable. The representative from the council's department of the environment arrived, we had a long chat - well he talked at length and I interrupted reiterating much of what I had written anxious to make him understand my plight. He went to check the recordings promising to telephone and make an arrangement to come along one night to take a further test of some sort. He was helpful and sympathetic but I am not hoping too much as so much depends on circumstances, rules and regulations out of either my control or the council’s

My son arrived home his interview seemingly less traumatic than expected, he seemed positive and hopeful. The form he had completed and sent in however had been lost although all his lengthy written explanations were there. He had the anxiety of filling in replacement forms but he did not seemed too stressed by this .He had not been interviewed by a doctor has once was the procedure in such claims, his interviewer was a most pleasant person and had put him at his ease but had not heard of aspergers syndrome but had some vague idea about autism. He is confident that his application was or will be successful although he did not enquire in so many words. He was given no explanation why they decided not to interview him over the telephone and again he did not ask relieved  I image that it was all over - at least I hope so. What happens now I have no idea as he was not given any indication as to what would follow and of course my son who is inhibited by his aspergers syndrome did not make enquires so we will have to wait and see. He was told he would be contacted in couple of months to see if he would like help finding a job. There is a scheme where by disabled peopled are helped to find work which is less pressured and only for the duration of a few hours and is suitable for their disability. It is a voluntary scheme in place for disabled people who would like to try to do some kind of work for a limited number of hours which would not be of detriment to their health while they retain their entitlement to benefit. A great idea if one can find an employer willing to support the scheme . However for Kevin it might be possible for him to sell some of paintings under the scheme and hopefully, as he will be under no pressure, in time he may be able to make a living from his artwork despite his disabilities. But he will need help and a lot of support from mental health services and I am rather anxious that little will be available to him but one should not be pessimistic. I should not compare his case to mine often I get the feeling that my age and the intractable nature of my OCD has a lot to do with my inability to get therapy.

November 11th

The coffee bar seems pleasant enough from the opposite side of the road, it is not too crowded, there appear to be comfortable seats right near the window close to the door, less claustrophobic. I have arranged to meet a friend in the city for coffee she suggested meeting in a different venue from our usual one. I had agreed with some misgivings, changing routines going to places with which I am not familiar is indeed anxiety provoking, particularly without the company of my husband who has taken this time out to wander round the city as he does whenever he accompanies me to meet this friend. I enter with a pounding heart the familiar surge of anxiety rising from my stomach to the constriction in my throat to be met by the usual thump thump thump of music the rhythmic pulsing of which arrears to effect no one else among the groups of people eating, drinking and chatting. I feel spaced out disassociated. I can’t cope, I mean I really can’t cope no matter how awkward or how embarrassing it will be for me. It does not help that all eyes turn in our direction. I really do hate that, why do people stare so?  And I do not mean the casual involuntary glance that we all do whenever someone enters a room. No people stare. It is not my imagination it is as though they know I am not like them and there is something going go, something they cannot define . And no it is not that I am paranoid at least not entirely as my thinking here has been confirmed for me after I was one referred to as a "peculiar lady" after I had left a public toilet for no reason that I can think of. I once asked a CPN if I had that look that is often commonplace with people who have a mental health problem, that far away stare, the distracted look, the eyes not focusing you know the look we have all come across it, the spaced out dreamy look that an employer once accused me of: “walking round in a dream” where his words. He replied that he did not think that I looked this way except that I do appear to look sad.

Often the fear of embarrassment and my anxiety of not wanting to upset another person mitigates my fears to some extent and often I try to grit my teeth and cope. But no this time I really did not think I could sit there for an hour trying to make conversation with the pulsating intrusion of music. I stood there confused undecided yet a decision needed to be made as my husband was about to disappear round the corner and I would than have to remain here as he would not know were we were. I turned to my friend without the usual formality such as would you really mind if.... I just told her I could not cope with it here and walked out. I apologized several times but she made little comment other than to agree to go to our usual venue. I felt guilty but I just knew I would not be able to hold any kind of a conversation in a place with music so loud. I feel emotionally  fragile right now as though someone has turned up the dial on my sensitivity levels and I am completely overwhelmed by noise, crowds, intense prolonged conversations, too much information, sensations of touch smell and so on. I suggested we go to the usual place. I had caught up with my husband telling him to only be half an hour as I was really so apprehensive filled with anxious worrying scenarios and fearful imaginings. I am now really afraid to be alone. Even here at our usual venue I was stressed anxious my friend leaving me to order the coffee whilst she went to the ladies room. It struck me quite profoundly today that I am really not coping at all in any area of my entire existence and just how useless I feel, a grown women of late middle age so frightened so incompetent, so dependent.

I had arranged to met my OCD friend in the city for coffee as I do from time to time. I have mixed feelings about such. I have a lot in common with this lady but there is that barrier, that social ineptness of mine that dogs all my associations with other people. I look forward to meeting this person yet it is an endurance test at times as I feel as though I cannot cope with socialising on any level feeling more and more awkward in a way not easy to define. And this is getting worse. It’s not that I am reclusive, indeed no I would love to be able to be part of society to meet another person whether a stranger, a friend or a relative and engage in conversation with the ease that other people do without apprehension and even dread. With my OCD friend it is of course less of a problem although there are the uncomfortable moments - at least for me perhaps my friend does not see it this way perhaps she does not even notice - when I simply do not know what to say or how to respond.

It is not simply my inability to engage in small talk or my mind cutting out and going blank or my inability to form the words that convey what is in my mind, if indeed there is anything in my mind at those times when I can think of nothing at all to say, or all the other social hang ups that make me look inarticulate, uninterested and perhaps even uncaring. No there is something else. I feel awkward now in ways not easy for me to describe when meeting with anyone no matter how well I know them. The thought of any social event brings anxiety and depression. I have known this lady now for about three years but still my social anxiety creeps in and I feel uncomfortable struggling to try to construct a sentence that is not disjointed, trying to maintain as normal eye contact as possible, such eye contact as I have said before does not come naturally. .However I like this person’s company and the situation here is not as problematic as in other situations as this lady has OCD she knows there are situations in which I will not feel comfortable even though she may not herself understand as all sufferers of OCD have their own fears and anxieties the manifestation of which is often unique to that individual

I have always had social anxiety problems, any social situation has always been a challenge. There have been few times in my life that any type of social commitment as ever come easily even though I have often sought employment and other areas of social  life were I have needed to be more sociable more at ease with people and where communication with others is vital. I worked for many years as a sales assistant, my first job being in rather an up-market store where sales assistants were required to sell a variety of goods and I mean sell. I do not mean standing at a till talking the money wrapping up the purchase and giving change. No one had to sell the goods, make polite conversation, smile and otherwise be amiable. I was not too successful but eventually learnt a repertoire of approaches and things to say and I muddled through and I tried hard to overcome my problems in this regard which at my age were thought of as merely shyness. I worked for many years in similar jobs. In my private life I was a Sunday school teacher in my late teens teaching adults! I can’t believe it now it seems incredible but again it did not come easy.

I also used to speak in public, for both of which I meticulously studied writing down precisely word for word what I would say and than rehearsing it over and over until I barely needed to refer to my writings. However if anyone asked a question or raised a matter for which I was not prepared I was lost, tongue-tied, inarticulate. Fortunately an elderly lady, a more experienced member would step in and rescue me from these awful embarrassing occurrences, if it were not for her this would have not been impossible. Now however such would be impossible there has been a significant deterioration in my ability to socialise particularly in the ordinary everyday course of events. It is not a fear of people, it is a fear of not knowing what to say, not being able to articulate unless it is all prepared, written down planned and practised. The above activities appear incongruous for a person with social anxiety however both are easier that being faced with an impromptu conversation were I need to respond without preparing as is the case of course in most daily conversations for social interaction. It is a sad lonely world when you re this way and any contact with another person becomes an extremely daunting prospect indeed. It is hard enough coping with OCD without this difficult social anxiety problem. Why is it getting worse? I am not sure but everything seems right now to be getting more of a problem and it is rather like a viscous circle the more difficult my problems with OCD and social anxiety become the more stressed and depressed I get and this in turn of course accentuates these problems.

November 12th

There is a hair in the margarine!!!!!! I cannot believe it life seems so perverse at times as if no matter how hard I try to function like a normal person the more obstacles arise in my path thwarting my endeavours. I was trying to bake scones for a visitor, it was difficult enough anyway without this happening. I had been depressed all morning at the thought of having to make these preparations. It’s not easy having anyone in my house and the time is quickly approaching when it will not be possible at all particularly if today is anything to do by. It is not only a matter of concern about visitors contaminating my home although this of course is an enormous anxiety. Particularly trying to get people to understand why I need them to take off their shoes. However another problem arises: my fears that I will contaminate them. As those who have read my memoir and other writings will know my OCD works both ways and involves fears of becoming contaminated and than having become contaminated to than in turn inadvertently contaminate others. I am always anxious that I will inadvertently poison someone or make them ill. Preparing food and cooking for others is the most problematic area when these fears are indeed severe and incapacitating.

I have worried and prepared all week going over and over in my mind what I should do or if indeed it would be best not to prepare anything myself. Not that buying prepared food from the supermarket would let me off the hook, no indeed I would find myself checking sell by dates, contents: are there too many chemicals, is my visitor likely to be allergic and so on squeezing the packaging to make certain it is sealed and if it is not than having to buy it anyway so another customer does not do so inadvertently as would most certainly be the case if I left it on the shelf as people generally do not squeeze packing to ensure it is sealed. I could tell a sales assistant but than I cannot trust them to take the product off the shelves. So as you see it may at first seem to be less stressful to buy prepared food but certainly not easy or anxiety free. Our visitor a casual friend was coming for tea. She had said not to prepare too much but I wanting to be normal and considered that that a batch of scones would be nice. I had bought food from the shop, packaged biscuits, cakes and so on but felt this silly compulsion to bake scones despite have undergone the exhausting and frustrating misery when selecting such items as described above. I did not want too bake these scones, I knew it would bring about a lot of anxiety, huge amounts of stress induced compulsions: hand washing ,washing over and over the cutlery crockery and utensils required for preparation. There were just so many complications in addition to this more regular contamination concerns. I had previously worried ruminating perhaps this person was allergic to Soya milk - I use Soya milk as I do not eat dairy products but it worried me should this person be allergic to Soya milk. Silly I know, yes I try to rationalise this as being unlikely as Soya milk is in most things nowadays and if she was allergic I am sure she would have mentioned this, but no the persistent voice of OCD would not give up and I felt I would have to compromise by using milk which would make me feel uncomfortable as I am a lactose free vegetarian for moral reasons rather than for health reasons. I would of course not consume the scones myself but cooking them was nearly as bad at least according to my perspective. What a dilemma no wonder I am mentally exhausted at the end of each day.

This is the way it goes on all the time the complexity of my life is beyond description. Yes literally, to describe to you every dilemma I would need to sit here each and every day for every minute of every day to recount it all than of course the dilemmas would not arise would they at least not dilemma concerning the above as different dilemmas would take their place and would present themselves according to what activates I was involved in and such as writing. That all sounds rather confused and I hope than you get my drift so to speak. Suffice it to say such dilemmas present constantly due to the complexity of my OCD as it entwine itself in every facet of my life.

And to add to the mix, yes literally and metaphorically there is the problem of my son’s eating obsessions which may appear to all intents and purposes to be an attempt to improve his health but which I am beginning to think are the beginnings of an eating obsession which I have described in an earlier entry. He has aspergers syndrome, sufferers of Aspergers syndrome and other autistic spectrum disorders often have digestive problems. According to my understanding people on the Autistic spectrum do not digest and absorb their food properly and this in turn affects their autism and also it is believed that anyone on the autistic spectrum may have allergies to certain foods. Now I may not have complete understanding of the the above and anyone interested should research the matter, suffice it to say he is now on a very strict and limited diet which includes dairy free and gluten free. However his eating obsessions go further than this he prefers to eat only organic and additive free and so on. There is quite a list of restrictions including also concerns about mixing carbohydrates and protein in the same meal and so on. There are probably other more insidious food preoccupations of which I am unaware. Now and again he mentions going on a raw food diet. Yes it is a good thing to eat healthily but there is difference between that and being obsessed about what you eat. And the suffer may not in such cases know the difference as with most eating disorders there is little insight. His approach to food, his obsessive relationship with and attitudes to food resemble those of my sister who was anorexic. Yes the reasons for his diet are different, he is not counting calories but instead controlling his food intake for entirely different reasons however this approach has definitely an obsessive feel to it and I am worried.

I am a lactose free vegetarian and some may consider this to be an eating disorder in my case simply because of having OCD I might be more likely to have an eating disorder than perhaps a person who does not suffer with an obsessive compulsive type illnesses. Yes a casual observer might see it this way and I do stick to a very strict diet but I do know the difference: I know that my vegetarianism is undertaken for my philosophical beliefs that all creatures have an equal right to life and they should not be used and abused to meet our requirements and that of course includes slaughtering them for food. This is not an obsession and I know the difference. For example: Right now it would appear that I have taken a step further and gone from being a lactose free vegetarian to a vegan. And yes I guess I have. I have not previously been a vegan, although I have considered doing so, because I continue to eat eggs but only free range. At least up until a few days ago, but now I am not keen on eating eggs at all now because of bird flu. This reason for not eating eggs is different from my moral and ethical reasons and is more obsessive compulsive; it has an entirely different feel towards it as it is something forced upon me by my OCD anxieties concerning the possibility, whether valid or otherwise, that I could contract bird flue from eating eggs. So there is a difference a marked difference albeit to the casual observer this may not appear so.

The issue of sensible eating, dieting for health or to loose weight is a complex issue indeed. And at first it might be difficult to know when any of these alterative eating regimes are appropriate according to the persons circumstances ,beliefs and so on and when they became serious and life threatening eating disorders. The area is even more grey and ambiguous when that person has some form of OCD which is the case with my son who has some mild OCD a long with anxiety depression and of course aspergers syndrome. So I need to keep and eye on the situation although of course it is extremely difficult for a person under the throes of a full blown eating obsession to realise that he or she has a problem. Often any interference is not appreciated and is ignored particularly went the relationship is parent child even if the child is an adult in his twenties. Which was rather the case with my sister and even when she did recognise that she had an eating disorder she was reluctant to do much about it as she simply liked to be thin. As I have said before it is so my much more difficult to attempt to overcome an obsession or compulsion from which one derives some satisfaction. My sister had a sense of achievement in not only seeing her slim figure ( emaciated to everyone else) but she also experienced great satisfaction in her ability to be as she put it : in control. She often felt superior to others who did not have this self control and I had the impression that she was indeed reluctant to relinquish this facet of her life where she was successful, at least by her perception.

It is very difficult to know what to do sometimes but for now whenever I make cakes we use gluten free flour. However in situations such as this I could not really expect a visitor to eat gluten free scones. It has to be said that at the moment the ones I make are less palatable although commercially baked gluten free cakes taste similar to ones baked with wheat flower. But as such is enormously expensive I tend to bake my own. However the taste and texture is not the only concern here of course as OCD will also add to the mix of misery by telling me that I can’t cook gluten free for a guest should she be allergic to the different types of flour used. So here I am, trying to  bake separate batches of scones, trying to keep them separate not to contaminate my son’s food with wheat flower and at the same time obsessively washing and drying the crockery and cutlery panicking over clean tea towels or the lack thereof. My husband wanted to help and yes it would be easier if he had cooked them but he had only just been gardening and even with careful examination I was anxious that his hands may not be clean enough. I was really at my wits end utterly overwhelmed, sometimes just standing there immobile frustrated not knowing quite what to do than all of a sudden despite all my hand washing there is this hair right in the margarine after measuring the flower and sugar into separate bowels and adding the margarine there is minute hair. Unbelievable! I feel so victimised by the entire universe as though I cannot win after all that obsessing washing and so on to finally now I have no choice but put both these mixtures in the bin.

I tried my best to appear to function, trying to manage despite my pain and the fear hoping that my visitor would not notice. I did not want my visitor to think that I wanted her to leave . Despite all the problems I like this person’s company she knows nothing of my OCD and the conversation flows with more ease than it does with most people as more general subjects of interest are discussed. But somehow I managed right up until the time she left. Somehow on this occasion it was easier to suffer the pain than have to suffer the guilt if she had left early. Fortunately my migraine was not too severe sometimes they take several hours before reaching the stage when they re unmanageable.

 November 16th

I saw my new psychologist today for the first time. I do feel hopeful that he may be able to at least alleviate some of my OCD to make it easier for me to cope with it and perhaps lead a fuller life. It would be unwise at this juncture to raise my hopes too high as there are three or four asessment sessions and than he will decide whether or not he is able to help me.  I was rather anxious inasmuch as he has the notion that there are parts of my personality that are not effected by my OCD and  that there also must remain areas of my life that are also unaffected by OCD. Why must there be I ask myself?  Perhaps he is correct and I do not recognise such areas, but if they do exist they are minimal. For the most part I tend to feel that OCD has eroded my entire existence. It is there in every thought, in every action. I in all honesty with no exaggeration cannot tell you what thoughts are mine and what are OCD. Yes I know the intrusive thoughts that fire the compulsions are born of OCD but it's the other less well defined areas. Such as my preoccupation with religion, my over scrupulous nature and my hypersensitive conscience. What part of these thoughts and beliefs and thinking processes originate from me and which part originate from my OCD. Do I think about the meaning of life and have a keen interest in religion and philosophy because I am an obsessive-compulsive?  If I did not have OCD would I give such matters much thought. Concerning my hyper feelings of guilt, would my conscience be less sensitive if I did not have OCD? Would I be quite so overly scrupulous if it were not for OCD. Sometimes I grow tired of feeling guilty: I grow weary of putting others first because I will be tormented by guilt if I do not. Are such feelings indicative that most of my guilt, scrupulosity and over responsibility do indeed arise from my OCD But surely not all of it. The question is how do sort out which is which.

Now I am quite ill with one thing or another and yet always I think of others and than get angry frustrated because they never think of me or even appreciate what I do. This goes right across the board and not just concerning people I know and with whom I associate. I find it difficult to say no, I am really not well or hey I would actually like to live my own life for a change. I have had hell of a life, many days spent alone when my husband and son were at work, alone to contend with severe OCD and appalling headaches, there was no one there to help me. I often consider that my OCD would have been alleviated with the support of others, it is not an illness that you can go it alone sufferers deteriorate when left to their own devices. When left alone to contend with the overwhelming influx of intrusive thoughts and consequent compulsions the inundated sufferer is more likely to give in to the onslaught of taunting tormenting thoughts which precipitate the time consuming life destroying compulsions. But people were just too busy. An acquaintance asked me to visit her but each time I did she was on her way out. A neighbour came with a bunch of flowers and left rushing off somewhere, the flowers merely a gesture to placate her conscience. I would rather have had her company, her support. Others seemingly have no difficulty saying no even if they do feel a little guilty they nevertheless do not allow it to effect them, they do not have OCD tormenting them into offering help they are not willing or able to give. Does the fact that I feel a little resentful indicate that if it were not for my OCD I would in fact be more like the people mentioned above?

It is no ones fault that I tend to meet the needs of others often to my detriment and no one has deliberately tired to take advantage of my good nature, if indeed I have a good nature and it is not simply my OCD. But people will accept offers of help and they will let you do this and that if you offer or accept their request to do so. Many people these days seem in need of help in some way or another and there are few people who will help others so when anyone is willing others will except.

But I am weary of the hypersensitive conscience that whispers, no screams to me it is your responsibility, if you do not comply you or another will die or you will be tormented by guilt and regret. I am tired of being over scrupulous. No I do not mean I wish to be dishonest or a self centred and uncaring person but I need to get a more normal attitude and not to behave in a certain way which is mostly detrimental to myself simply because of the torment of OCD. I am quite ill right now as I sit here struggling to write all this I have a severe headache. I had one yesterday and the day before and yesterday I went out mostly for the sake of another the guilt was simply too overwhelming to say no. People simply do not understand that you are incapable of saying no, it is not their fault.

These facets of OCD, the ones not clearly defined are difficult to separate and to know what is going on, what rises from your OCD and what arises from the real you.

OCD is for me personally a very complex and insidious disorder so interwoven now into my life I have little hope of untangling the tight grip of this complex web of misery. Nonetheless I am hopeful although the prospect of writing down each time I get a thought which precedes an OCD compulsion  is indeed overwhelming. This is my first assignment and part of the assessment  process. There are just so many thoughts which precede actions or compulsions or other thoughts, which in turn lead to other thoughts, other actions such is just too complicated to write down or separate one thought or behaviour from another. But I must wait and see and do my best for this will probably be my last chance.

November 17th

Finally after another two weeks of the tormenting misery of indecision today I publish my entries for the last couple of weeks. Yes you have heard that particular  lament many times before as this problem of course is on going and presents each time I have to write something that others will read. I am never satisfied and obsess. No matter what it is I write about when it comes to clicking the publishing button I am riddled with doubts and procrastinate.  I am still not happy with the entry about free floating anxiety, it is repetitive I know but I seem incapable of altering it and must publish it as it is or not at all. This is one of the more complex facets of my OCD, an area of obsessive compulsive behaviours were it is difficult to know what would be normal and what would be seen as an OCD behaviour.

I make mistakes, plenty of them, I always have, I believe I may have ADD, there is also another problem difficult to define. No matter how many times I check written work, weeks later if I check again there will invariably be a number of mistakes, silly inaccuracies that I should have seen when engaged in the umpteen repetitive checking sessions, obvious mistakes that  my teachers at school referred to as careless errors. Yet I fail to see them.  So it could be said that I need to check, any one who writes anything checks it at least once but probably not several times, but the problem is for me that no matter how many times I check there will always be errors so what would be normal for a person like me who has this problem. The other anxiety concerning written work as those of you who have read my blog will know is fears that I will inadvertently write something that might cause harm to another or encourage someone to take an action that might be of detriment. This is I guess for the most part  an OCD anxiety. However one does have to bear in mind what one writes particualry if one is writing to a friend or acquaintance whom one knows personally. This of course brings me to the next consideration: Concerning writing things which may cause harm it could be said that anyway for the most part what I have written would not be seen by a normal person as being in anyway harmful. This again is probably another grey area as for the most part what I perceive as causing potential harm may not necessity be the case and therefore these anxieties may not anyway be normal thoughts and are the result of an intrusive and worrying OCD thinking. It is complex indeed.

Now I am now obsessing that all that rather complicated rambling above appears incoherent and confused and I could delay further and not publish until tomorrow while I waste more of my precious life occupied in several frustrating checking sessions, further obsessing, ruminating and altering. Such is the torment of OCD, it nearly drive me crazy crazy  aaagggghhhhhhh

November 18th

If my psychologist is only able to help me with my hyper-guilt it would be something. Guilt as a result of an over sensitive conscience has been my undoing all my life but just lately because I am plain and simply not well it has become a terrible burden, the torment of which is significant. Yes this is an OCD issue. Many people who are not sufferers and even some professionals seem to think that OCD is all about contamination and checking the two most common manifestations of this disorder. And yes they are the most prevalent and indeed amongst the most misery inducing , time consuming and pervasive facets of OCD which will devour you life as indeed they have devoured mine. But there are other manifestations of OCD and being over responsible with a hypersensitive conscience riddled with the torment of guilt is one of the most miserable. I guess this comes under the category of scrupulosity OCD and it is a type of OCD that is little understood generally, at least in my experience, but just like contamination OCD it can seriously take away your life, at least your quality of life but who knows in serious cases it may even take your life if you constantly give way to the OCD tormenter who uses guilt and fear to make you do things that you are not able to do or are not well enough to do or even really do not care to do.

I would not say for one moment that every good deed I have done was because of the influence of OCD. No indeed all my life since childhood I wanted to help others and as a child I wanted to help the starving in Africa and during adulthood I have done many things to help others such as working as a voluntary helper for Oxfam for ten years and I was happy to do so. And mostly throughout my life when someone has needed help I have given it. However gradually OCD has made such endeavours complicated and now I am often unsure of my motivations. Just lately it seems that most things I do are precipitated by my OCD anxieties that something awful may happen to either a loved one or myself  if I do not concede to the dictates of intrusive thoughts telling me that I have to take this or that action to help another even though due to my ill health it is of detriment to myself. Again if I were not as ill with CDH, migraine and all the other maladies of which I have mentioned here I would most probably do so willing, but now I am just too ill to really do much to help another and I am racked with guilt and torment and my life is a misery of trying to do something for someone else feeling resentful because it is under the duress of OCD. The guilt is unbearable and I tend to give in to its tormenting insistence, but than I have to fight the pain of a headache or other illness along with terrible fear that I am simply not up to the task. Moreover it is that not knowing which motivations arise from ones true personality rather than from ones OCD. When one is driven by the dictates of OCD resentment arises along with frustration, it is hard enough when the motivation is clear however when there is doubt and you end up not knowing what desires, endeavours motivations and so on come from you or from your OCD it is pure misery. I guess in most cases I would want to help others and would do so with or without the influence of OCD as this is who I am, however it is knowing my limitations and learning how to help others in accordance with them rather than under the duress of OCD that and it is this that lies at the crux of the matter. 

After a lifetime of OCD one doubts every thought, every emotion, every idea or consequent action, questioning whether such arises from OCD or from a more normal thinking process and now I can honestly tell you I do not know the difference. And this of course is the case concerning all my manifestations of OCD.  I feel sometimes as though the persistent indecision, fear, guilt and doubt, are destroying me as there is no time that I am free from one or the another of them in additional to the constant onslaught of all my other OCD symptoms

November 19th

Looking out my window I can see into the factory car park, a familiar car which each day is parked there it is covered with think frost as though it has been there all night. The thought comes to me that whoever owns the car is still inside and has been there all night, he or she may have collapsed or is dead. My husband who went past a while ago says the gates are locked confirming for me my anxious fears. Another over responsibility issue? Although it is unlikely of course that this tragedy has befallen anyone as I would imagine that unless this person lives alone he or she would have been missed by now. But still I worry. I feel anxious and afraid, yes concerned for the person who may be in dire straits and need of help but also fearful of the effect that not taking action because of feeling silly due to the unlikelihood that this was anything other than an overactive OCD scenario would have upon my life as the guilt of my inaction would be my final undoing.

In retrospect this scenario was unlikely yet it was possible was it not. Neither my husband or son gave it much consideration, my son telling me in the humorous way he does when he mildly but good humoured makes fun of my concerns that I cannot call the police because there is a car in the factory car park with a bit of frost on it. But still I worried if only I knew whether or not it had indeed been there all night , but I didn't neither did my son nor my husband. I worried about how I would feel when it became night-time and no lights were on in the factory and this car was still there. Fortunately later on another car arrived and park alongside the first car so I was able to assume that if there was a problem it would now come to the attention of the new arrival. Most people would have taken no notice or assumed like my husband that perhaps the car had broken down and had been left there or it had simply been there since the morning . Such is the torment of over responsibility, doubt and the continuous and very creative OCD thoughts that turn every situation into one of worry, doubt, indecision and appalling torment.

November 22nd

It’s another cold but very bright day, I know I like the sunny weather but this biting cold seems to be getting too me. This morning I really feel so depressed as though I would really rather not do anything much at all other than curl up in a corner. Usually on Mondays we go out somewhere a drive out into many of the scenic areas of natural unspoiled beauty or to places of interest in our region. But today it is as though I feel I have lost the motivation to do so. In addition to my usual fears about getting a migraine and my health problems such as IBS I really feel just too depressed as if life in general along with with all my illnesses including of course OCD is just getting too much for me and I would just rather stay at home than contend with all the problems that these maladies, illnesses, conditions disorders or whatever you want to call them impose on me. It is just so tempting today to stay at home, but besides my inability to say no to both my husband and son who seem keen to go despite the bitter cold, I fear that if I start giving in to my illnesses and staying at home than the time will come when I will just be either too afraid to go out or I will simply feel that I no longer wish to do so, it is so easy to give into apathy and fear. It is bad enough that I cannot go out alone, not that I have any real desire to do so, but I certainly do not want find myself unable to go out at all. Moreover if I were to stay at home I would not only feel guilty but I would start to regret my decision and than begin to wish we had gone and as a consequence become more depressed. Concerning fear and anxiety the more we give into them the more difficult it gets to face or stand against them and soon your life is gone eroded away as your periphery of existence becomes increasingly more confined. And this of course applies to every facet of your life were anxiety seeks to trap you within its limited confines.

With regard to my social anxiety problem this has indeed been the case; the less I attempt to socialise the more I avoid people, the more I allow my husband to answer the telephone the more incapacitated and the more difficult it becomes for me to make any kind of society contact with anyone. And the same applies with going out. Yes I feel weary and I am genuinely ill and no one much seems aware of this fact and few understand quite how awful it is to go out with the illnesses that I have but if I stay in all the time in this house which because of the noise and other problems my mood will deteriorate. Besides the scenery and the places of interest are now about the only things which mitigate the awfulness of my life here.

I was really quite depressed and angry yes angry that no one appeared to notice just how depressed I was and how reluctant I was to go. But I have to understand that neither my husband or son are aware of the subtle signs which possibly indicate another is thinking as my son as Aspergers syndrome and I am pretty certain that my husband may also be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. For this reason I somehow have to come to terms with the fact that I will have to say right out that I do not feel well , but because of my OCD fear about changing plans, altering possible outcomes, changing fate whatever I am mostly too afraid to do so and often go out feeling angry and irritated

But finally when we arrived it was a relatively pleasant day despite the cold although of course all my OCD anxieties difficult to categorise of course spoilt my trip out, they always do, today was be no different form any other day in that regard. And I had a few headaches twinges and panicked that I would get a migraine and I was forever looking for a toilet and so on but it was nonetheless nice to get out and see the marvellous countryside here and after a while I was glad I went.

We had gone over to Rievaulx Abbey a ruined twelfth century monastery situated in a picturesque valley in the Yorkshire moors. We have been many times, it is a tranquil place filled with an atmosphere of