The on-line journal of Christine, a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

 

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

 

May 2006

Blog Roll

Blog Roll disclaimer*

Links to recommended anxiety disorder blogs:

Other Blogs of interest:

  

Attention Deficit disorder ADD:

Living with ADD

 

A personal selection of Interesting Blogs not related to anxiety disorders, syndromes or conditions of any kind:

The Action Blog
Save an endangered species, protect human rights, save a forest.

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes,Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

 

 

May 1st

Another bank holiday here in the UK, it is cold and raining , it was dull yesterday and the day before, it seems as though it will never get warm. Yesterday we watched the TV series The Impressionists: apparently Claude Monet said during his time in the UK how he liked to paint the different shades of grey. Well that just about describes what it is like most times here in the UK but just lately it has been awful and for people such as myself and others who suffer with depression it saps away any positive feelings or motivation from your life to have to face dull heavy overcast skies and to feel that still it is cold. It is most certainly too cold to sit outside as we are accustomed to doing on back holidays simply relaxing and taking advantage of a day when most people are not working and life in general seems to slow down, when it is quieter, with less traffic passing by and you are less likely to be pestered on the telephone. Incidentally during  the time he lived in Giverny France Monet was said to retire to bed depressed each time it rained and he could not enjoy his garden

I feel today as though I cannot be bothered with anything even sitting here now writing is a struggle but I do not want to give in entirely to depression and somehow I struggle on to do something. Going back to bed is not an option, many depressed people do this and even someone I know with OCD but for me personally lying in bed my mind is left at the mercy of intrusive and increasingly persistent OCD thoughts and falling asleep increases my depression, my headaches and my anxiety. In some ways I have no choice other than to try to carry on and muddle through; falling deeply into despair is not an option neither is it desirable as the more one sinks into despair the more difficult it can become to extricate ones self from the mire of deep despondency. I have a constant background feeling of depression intermitted by bouts of more profound melancholy which is difficult to break free from if indeed during such episodes I even try. But at other times I need to keep busy to prevent the milder but chronic depression from becoming more profound One becomes increasingly less motivated; the less ones does, the less one wants to do, this is true for everyone but for people who suffer with depression this is even more so. Sometimes I would like nothing more than too have a lazy day, a relaxing day doing nothing much of anything, pottering about, reading, watching TV, sitting in the garden on a warm sunny day but alas such is not ideal and always leads to a decline in mood and motivation. Most Sundays I do very little after about mid day; I feel I need time to relax but often this is impossible and as I sit watching too much TV and doing little of anything with my mind the arising of increased anxiety begins to emerge and my mood begins to decline further and I than need to occupy myself to prevent becoming overtaken by deeper depression. This state of affairs can be exhausting and I would love to be able to relax and not have to keep myself mentally occupied. But for me right now this is not possible, at least not for longer an hour or two after which time I feel an increase in my negative state of mind, my mood and my anxiety. Yes indeed mental and physical activity particularly mental activity can be a temporary antidote for OCD but just sometimes I  would like to be like everyone else and just relax and take it easy, to sit in the garden in the warm sunshine, if ever we get any, and just be there to just sit and take in nature, to sip a cup of tea or coffee or something stronger if such takes my fancy. It would be heaven! paradise! nirvana! just to sit and be without a care in the world, not having to fight with ones mind, to cram something more intensive into ones brain to try to mitigate - most always only temporary anyhow - the continuous onslaught of miserable thoughts conjured up by the OCD mind.

May 2nd

I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.

A tendency to melancholy....let it be observed, is a misfortune, not a fault.

Abraham Lincoln

As sufferers of one or more anxiety disorders we are most likely prone to depression. Depression is one of the states of ill health that is precipitated or enhanced by stress and both of these conditions are increasingly more common nowadays even if you do not suffer from a specific mental health problem such as OCD or bipolar disorder or other malady that has depression and stress as a symptom. Although both stress and depression are on the increase amongst the population in general these conditions where nonetheless suffered by people in times past particularly depression which can of course be an hereditary condition experienced without the cause of stress or other internal or external circumstances or environmental factors.

Recently I have been reading about Abraham Lincoln and was indeed surprised to find that he suffered from depression.  Abraham Lincoln was a sufferer of depression which he called the hypo which may have referred to hypochondriasis, there is evidence from his writings that he indeed suffered from this disorder "I have within the last few days been making a most discreditable exhibition of myself in the way of hypochondrias........." Hypochondria is an obsessive concern regarding ones health and fear that one is suffering from some serious affliction usually a terminal disease when in reality this is not the case. In Lincoln's case it resulted from overwork and worry - at least according to his doctors. Hypochondria is an anxiety disorder, it may be bought on by anxiety and stress, most certainly anxiety is it’s main manifestation as I can most certainly attest to from personal experience being a sufferer of this very stressful disorder. Hypochondria also results in depression as a consequence of ones anxieties which at times may boarder upon outright fear. However there were probably other issues which bought about Lincoln’s depression.

So what other factors may have caused Abraham Lincoln such a deep and chronic depression . Often with depression there may not be any one obvious cause and indeed an accumulation of adverse circumstances may compound to bring about a more profound deeper chronic depression and often the sufferer may finally succumb over something relatively trivial as the last straw is placed upon the camel’s back. It is unclear concerning the cause of Lincoln’s depression, although his hypochondria played a part depression appears to have occurred for other reasons . Although he had bouts of depression which passed lasting anywhere from a few hours to weeks even months he did not appear from his writings and those of others to have the type of depression characteristic of bipolar disorder with high and manic phases at the opposite end of his mood swings.  Experts believe that it would be unlikely that he had bipolar disorder as it would have rendered him unfit to carry out the enormous responsibility which he bore, particularly since modern medication was not available..

There are however a significant number of factors within Lincoln’s life that may have precipitated or added to an already existing tendency towards depression. Lincoln a very intelligent man was an avid reader interested in many things a contrast to the community in which he lived where learning and reading were seen as idleness. In my personal opinion the more intelligent one is the more depression one is likely to suffer at least the chronic and deeply abiding depression which effected Lincoln. He was certainly predisposed to depression due to heredity factors; there is evidence that there was significant mental illnesses in one side of the family. Moreover he had many sad occurrences starting very early on in his life which may have precipitated or compounded his depression. He became estranged from his father; his mother died young, he lost his only brother in infancy and his sister died after giving birth to a still born baby.  Notable signs of depression occurred in Lincoln's mid twenties when he was overcome by grief at the loss of his first love Anne Rutledge. Certainly by his late twenties his depression was most apparent indeed. As the years  went by more personal tragedy compounded his depression he was said to have wept hysterically when Willie his favourite son died. His wife Mary Todd suffered terribly at this time and there is also evidence that she suffered with mental health problems particualry in later years. He had four children and unfortunately only one would survive into adulthood. Issues concerning his political career bought about increasing depression and even small failures of no consequence by normal standards were seen as huge problems, which of course is typical with anyone who sufferers with depression. Moreover he had a keen sensitivity having a great empathy for suffering and he wept openly at times,
oftentimes such sensitivity to tragedy sent him into depressive and gloomy states

Whatever the cause he was very profoundly depressed at times. William Herndon Lincoln's partner in their law firm describes Lincoln as... “ a sad-looking man; his melancholy dripped from him as he walked” , It would seem from all accounts that depression was a constant companion and drove him to profound despair when during such times he would not get out of bed, which is an almost universal manifestation of depression.

However despite the chronic and profound nature of Lincoln’s depression it appears that he never entirely and completely succumbed and achieved a greatness made more remarkable because of the nature of his malady. The opening quotation is indicative of a very pervasive and deep depression: "I am now the most miserable man living, Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not; To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better." yet he coped did he not with responsibility that most will never have or come anywhere near close to having

He nonetheless despite the profundity of his depression could at times be very jovial indeed often doubling up with laughter at this own jokes. He saw humour as an antidote to his melancholy. He once commented: "if it were not for these stories-jokes-jests I should die: they give vent-are the vents of my moods and gloom." He seemed able to work through his depression and behave normally during times when he was not deeply afflicted with bouts of more profound melancholy. Lincoln coped with his depression by absorbing himself in his work, he advised others to do likewise and to avoid idleness and seek company.  Keeping intensively occupied is often a means of thwarting or mitigating depression.

Lincoln was a  Fatalist I rather think that Lincoln perhaps believed in fate after all else had failed and he therefore accepted whatever fate laid upon him with resigned resignation in order perhaps to find some solace but only after he had done all that he could do.

It is important to note that mental illness was not in those days seen as a stigma, in fact quite the opposite; to live a full life despite the presence of a mental health affliction was seen as a virtue rather than a detriment or something to be hidden or something which would prevent a person from holding such an elevated position or indeed any position as sadly is the case today.

I admire Lincoln not only for his stand against slavery but also for his compassion, his sensitivity and is determination to overcome a deliberating disorder despite many tragedies in his life which would indeed make anyone depressed let alone someone with an hereditary predisposition. The loss of so many children and other tragic  losses including his mother at such a young age and the suffering experienced by his wife who was inconsolable after the death of Willie were enormous burdens for any one person to bear.

The above is only basic information and its accuracy cannot be guaranteed.
For more detailed  information I recommend the links below.

Lincoln and His Depressions - How His Melancholy Changed History

Depressed? Read Abraham Lincoln's Words. Check out the entire website for interesting facts about Lincoln

ABILITY Magazine | Abraham Lincoln's Depression

Mary Todd Lincoln.

Books:

Lincoln's Melancholy : How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness Joshua Wolf Shenk

May 3rd

Depression I have heard remarked, although I cannot recall where or by whom, is less likely to occur as a result of losing ones parents as one excepts that one loses ones parents when they are old as it is the way of the world, the way life is. The implication was that this inevitable event should not lead to significant depression as for instance would be the case if one was to loose a child or other younger person to whom one was close. However depression does not take into consideration such logic for of course it is all matter of perspective is it not. To many people myself included death is a tragedy regardless of the age of the person diseased, many people when they themselves are quite old still morn the passing of their parents and miss them profoundly, who has not called out for his her mother during times of severe mental or physical anguish despite the length of years which have passed since the loss of a parent . And beside depression does not stick to rules or adhere to logic and one can become depressed by anything even by really trivial and minor concerns at least compared to the perspective of another, concerns that would not effect another person so profoundly or even at all.

Depression is a personal illness there are no hard and fast rules concerning what will make an individual person depressed. Often life's dire circumstances both real or imagined, indeed any incident can bring about depression and need not necessarily be based upon reality or upon any other more typical consideration. Sometimes small negative occurrences are often compounded as eventually the sufferer feels overwhelmed by negative events and in fact begins to see everything as a negative occurrence. Moreover as one tragedy or negative circumstance adds to another often the final straw may in fact be something considered by most to be quite trivial. Therefore one should not feel uncomfortable if one is depressed by an event or even a thought that may seem insignificant to others. Moreover one should not feel guilty if you find that you are depressed because of a small matter such as a small disappointment over an anticipated event . You know I can feel my existing depression become worse over really trivial things indeed, such as a favourite TV programme being cancelled. I cannot help such feelings I do not invite them and although I recognise them for what they are I cannot  nonetheless prevent such feelings from arising, they present themselves before I can even begin to rationalise the situation which in any case would take some practice to do as it is not easy to change ones thinking overnight. You should not feel guilty you can not recognise perhaps that it is not reasonable to become more depressed over a small issue such as a cancelled TV programme or the local  shop selling out of you favourite chocolate or whatever but do not berate yourself for you cannot help it. This is the consequence of chronic depression.  Your brain reacts instantaneously and your mood changes so quickly in the blinking of an eye you cannot help it and feeling guilty and beating yourself up only compounds ones already negative feelings. Yes you need to recognise what is going on and this will help you perhaps to learn to consider events differently but right now if you re seriously depressed any disappointment has the power to alter your mood for the worse. 

May4th

During a meeting of the computer club to which my husband and I once belonged the subject came up about sterilising dysfunctional people in society. Admittedly the conversation was not about the mentally ill as such and was perhaps more about people who have a tendency towards anti social behaviours. Although people with mental illnesses did crop up and were considered in this conversation and I kind of got the impression whether rightly or wrongly that the consensus of opinion was that people with a dysfunctional type of problem should be phased out of the gene pool by sterilisation. Perhaps I misunderstood nonetheless such opinions are prevalent amongst society. My son asked me why I did not contest these offensive and prejudicial opinions . Well... mainly because of my inability to participate in an impromptu conversation and also because for the most part these people are open warm and friendly and some would do anything for anyone. Often I think that such people make these outrageous statements without really thinking it through assuming that no one present is offended even though all members of the group knew so little about one another. I wonder... do they ask themselves what the world would be like without some of the so called dysfunctional people that live now or in times past who have made significant contributions to the enhancement of society both in the arts and sciences. Therefore I thought it might be an idea to draw up a list of famous people for whom there is evidence of some mental health or neurological dysfunction and emphasise their contribution in order to try and visualize a world without such people.

Some of the people who have made the most significant contributions to society have suffered some form of mental or neurological condtion here is a short list of just a few of these individuals both past and present

Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the US, already mentioned at length in a previous entry, he suffered with depression anxiety and hypochondriasis.

Depressed? Read Abraham Lincoln's Words.
 
 Abraham Lincoln: Biography and Much More From Answers.com
 

Bill Gates: Computer technology, software developer, the creator of Microsoft.

There is some evidence that Bill Gates may have Aspergers syndrome. He displays symptoms of this condition which is a mild but high functioning form of autism.

He is responsible for the revolution in computer technology that has enhanced the lives of millions including myself . He is also a philanthropist; he supports many charitable endeavours including vaccine research and a centre for autism research . He has pledged billions of dollars for vaccinations programme for children in the developing world.

BBC NEWS | Business | Bill Gates: billionaire philanthropist

Dispensing Hope: Bill Gates' Global Health Gamble -- The Project

Bill Gates' war on disease, poverty is an uphill battle

Howard Hughes: OCD. advances in aviation.
 
Howard Hughes set many world records and both designed and built many air craft including the Hughes H1- racer .He was also a Film producer and industrialist. A familiar figure of more modern times Hughes had severe OCD; he feared contamination by germs; he washed his hands, he insisted that everything he handled was wrapped in tissues; he had all his doors and windows seal against germs ; because of the increasing severity of his untreated condition he become increasingly more reclusive. He died most likely as a result of starvation at the age of 71.

Howard Hughes - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Charles Darwin: Biologist responsible for the theory of evolution.
 
It is believed that Charles Darwin suffered with panic disorder with agoraphobia. There are also indications that he may have also suffered from social phobia; he became increasingly more reclusive even placing a mirror in a prominent place near his home to observe when visitors approached from around the corner so that he could withdraw and not be observed to be at home. However he always attended scientific meetings. He may therefore have had aspergers syndrome rather than social phobia although this is only my opinion but it was observed that often he became upset when his routine was disrupted another example of a symptom of aspergers. He may also have suffered from hypochondriasis; he was apparently afflicted with number of undiagnosable illnesses.

Charles Darwin's illness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Vincent Van Gogh: Artist painter.

Vincent Van Gogh it is believed may have suffered with manic depression/ bipolar disorder. His vibrant paintings clearly convey the inner turbulence of mental disorder believed to have been bipolar disorder ( manic depression). He may also had had Aspergers syndrome, a mild form of high functioning autism a disorder not identified during his lifetime. His need to be alone and his aloofness and lack of social skills are indicative of the possibility of Aspergers syndrome. His sister Elizabeth recalls referring to Vincent’s siblings : They felt it by instinct as children are wont to do: their bother preferred to be alone. In the same letter Elizabeth refers to his fascination with nature; his collection of insects each accurately labelled with their Latin names: All beetles even those with enormously long antennae, had names difficult to remember but their brother knew all their names by heart... labelling each with a little strip of paper above each animal on which its name way written - and that was in Latin! Such aloofness, exacting memory and unusual interests and the compilation of such collections are characteristics of Aspergers syndrome. He was on the whole withdrawn and socially inept, seemingly unaware of the emotions of others, often appearing dishevelled and unkempt exhibiting bouts of anger, emotional outbursts for which there was little provocation.

Both manic depression and Aspergers syndrome appear to exist as dual diagnoses in some individuals. Concerning the possibilty that Van Gogh had Aspergers syndrome is only retrospective conjecture and is not generally considered as fact. However we can almost be certain, as there is considerable evidence, that Van Gogh suffered with manic depression; the sudden periods during which he produced a phenomenal proliferation of paintings, as many as one or two each day is consistent with bipolar disorder during perhaps a manic phase, a symptom of sufferers of this malady which follows after a period of often very deep depression.

Van Gogh was prone also to periods of self harming, another manifestation of bi polar disorder which often follows in the wake of a manic episode. The most well known example of this was when after a particularly vehement argument with fellow artist Paul Gauguin, with whom he had formed a close friendship despite his inabilities to function normally and understand social relationships, he cut of his ear and sent it to a prostitute whom he had befriended. Such eccentric behaviours alienated him from society and eventually led to his becoming voluntary institutionalised in the Asylum of Saint-Paul-de-Mansole in St Remy. He eventually committed suicide.

Van Gogh's Letters - Unabridged.

Vincent van Gogh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Peter Tchaikovsky: A prominent Russian composer his famous Ballets include the Nut cracker, Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty.
 
Peter Tchaikovsky underwent periods of prolific creativity but was prone to severe depression. He was socially inept and withdrawn. It is thought that he suffered with manic depression/ bipolar disorder. It is thought that he may have eventually committed suicide.

 Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Michelangel: artist
Michelangelo, is said to be the greatest sculptor of the sixth century, in addition this
multi-talented individual also was an accomplished painter his most notable achievement was of course the  Sistine Chapel, he was also an architect and poet. He was in short a creative genius. He was however prone to depression most likely manic depression/bipolar disorder. It appears that manic depressives in particular are possessed of considerable creative genius. He had tendencies to be a loner, he appeared unable to show emotion, he was obsessive and adhered to routine and because of such characteristics it has been speculated that he may also have had Aspergers syndrome.

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Arts | Michelangelo 'linked' with autism

BBC NEWS | Magazine | What Asperger's syndrome has done for us

Michelangelo Buonarroti

Samuel Johnson: OCD, Tourettes syndrome, depression and hypochondria.. Born 1709 Lichfield England was a prolific writer, a poet and essayist.

Samuel Johnson wrote the most significant version of the dictionary at that time: The Dictionary of the English Language, it was the most comprehensive version which included quotations to illustrate usage . It was an exhaustive project taking nine years to complete during which time he also wrote the Rambler a series of 208 essays and contributions to the Adventurer. Samuel Johnson suffered with depression and hypochondria, his biographer James Boswell describes him as : "overwhelmed with an horrible hypochondria ... dejection, gloom, and despair."

He also most likely suffered OCD and Tourettes syndrome. Johnson once said:  “When I survey my past life, I discover nothing but a barren waste of time, with disorders of the mind very near to madness“. Boswell makes mention of one of Johnson’s behaviours which supports the theory that Johnson was indeed a sufferer of OCD " He had another particularity, of which none of his friends ever mentioned to ask an explanation. It appeared to me some superstitious habit, which he had contracted early, and from which he had never called upon his reason to disentangle him. This was his anxious care to go out or in at a door or passage by a certain number of steps from a certain point, or at least so as that either his right or left foot, (I am not certain which) should constantly make the first actual movement when he came close to the door or passage. I have, upon innumerable occasions, observed him suddenly stop, and then seem to count his steps with a deep earnestness, and when he had neglected or gone wrong in this sort of magical movement, I have seen him go back again, put himself in a proper posture to begin the ceremony, and having gone through it, break from his abstraction, walk briskly on, and join his companion."

Johnson :A patron St. of OCD

Samuel Johnson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

David Beckham: Famous football player and plays for Real Madrid, he is in addition the England football captain suffers with OCD  First signed for Manchester united in 1992  and selected to play for England 1997.Even if you are not a football fan, if you live in the UK you most likely have heard the name David Beckham. Recently David admitted to being a sufferer of OCD.

'The obsessive disorder that haunts my life' | the Daily Mail

David Beckham - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

John Nash : A mathematical genius born in 1928, in 1994  he won a Nobel prize in economics for his application of game theory,  he suffered paranoid schizophrenia and mild depression. His life was the subject of the film Beautiful Mind. He was diagnosed in 1959 and suffered for three decades before being able to manage his illness.

"Nash's illness compelled him to do many things. He believed that aliens were trying to contact him through the New York Times newspaper, he travelled around Europe trying to achieve refugee status and renounce his US citizenship. When he later returned to Princeton, he became known as "the Phantom", a figure seen scribbling away on blackboards late into the night. It led to him being sidelined by the academic community and to divorce from Alicia in 1963.

Yet, he gradually learned to ignore the voices. "I began to tire of certain types of irrational thinking. I was doing things at the time, studying or doing some calculations. So it may be that the delusional thinking began to come unsatisfying. I think people become mentally ill when they're somehow not too happy - not just after you've won the lottery you go crazy. It's when you don't win the lottery."

The quotation above is an extract from an interview with John Nash. I recommend you read the full interview by clicking the link below:

Schizophrenia Daily News Blog: John Nash Interview

John Forbes Nash - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It can be helpful to identify with such people, it may be both encouraging and  inspirational: if they can overcome their particular disability well than so can I. Yes okay in theory .Conversely however this can have the opposite effect and make one feel inadequate. When I am trying to encourage my son to make something of his life despite having Aspergers syndrome I often mention Bill Gates, Einstein and other possible Aspies ( an affectionate term for people with Aspergers syndrome). Although this is done with the best of intentions I have the feeling that such comparisons instead of building confidence can have the adverse effect. A friend of mine said that it was of little use to make a comparison with Bill Gates as my son’s special skill does not lie within the realms of information technology, computers and other highly sought after skills. Kevin's ability is in the field of art. Eight percent of people who have aspergers syndrome can be successful and are able to work, however you may find that most of this eight percent more than likely work within the fields of commuter technology, such as computer programming rather than art .

So whether or not such lists inspire, irritate or depresses you is a matter of perspective but it is nonetheless interesting to note that much of what has been achieved in both art, science and technology is or has been achieved by those who have some mental health problem or neurological condition

Also if you check out such lists you will find that several lists lay claim to the same person, as suffering from this or that disorder . For instance Winston Churchill is both claimed to be a sufferer of depression on lists of famous people with depression and also by lists of famous people with Aspergers syndrome. But hey perhaps he had both ! But preciseness matters not at all and indeed concerning historical figures there can be no accuracy in diagnosis. What is important however is that the people on the list above have suffered with some mental/ neurological illness, disorder or condition and all have contributed to the enhancement of life in some way or another. Yes maybe not according to your own personal perspective; if for instance you are a heavy metal fan you might not think that Tchaikovsky was particularly a genius or if you are a believer in creationism you might not think that Charles Darwin's theories where a useful contribution, or if you are not into football you may not see David Beckham as having contributed anything of any significance so it is a matter of perspective. Nonetheless according to common consensus all of these people and others have made or continue to make a significant contribution to the enrichment, the enhancement or the understanding of life for a significant number of people and all of them did so despite crippling psychological and or neurological disorders.

You might find the following link of interest.

BBC - Ouch! - Columnists - Outing disabled celebs

May 5th

Just remember that the darkest night did not turn out all the stars
Louis L. Mann

On a lighter note as occasionally I like to share the more positive side of my life, at least  inasmuch as I try to be as normal as possible and enjoy the outdoors, the many scenic places in my locality despite all my problems. Although such day excursions might appear to be an idyllic and pleasurable occurrence they can be very difficult for me indeed. The other day when the weather finally became warm we went into the Yorkshire Dales, had tea at our favourite tea room and even went for a walk, the longest walk I have managed since we came here four years ago this June. Yes I enjoyed it inasmuch as it is possible for me to enjoy anything. No I am not being negative I am simply stating a fact that life is difficult and it would not convey the reality of my life if for the sake of appearing to be positive I led you to believe that such excursions were without problems. Notwithstanding such difficulties which arise from my OCD and other problems mostly after such trips out I am glad that I went and indeed I have to make the best out of the situation which I am in right now. Despite the misery that is OCD and all the other trails and tribulations of an increasing member of other illnesses I do so appreciate some of the magnificent scenery that is within a reasonable travelling distance. Also the little lambs and their mothers are a joyous delight despite the fact that my mind cannot avoid the awareness that most of these adorable creatures will only be with their mothers for such a short time and yes it does pick my heart with sadness and I cannot deny that such thoughts and other sad thoughts occupy my mind and disturb me greatly.

The following are a selection of photographs from three days out we had in recent weeks to Northumbria, Cumbria and Yorkshire. The photographs were taken by my husband John. Some have been sized for you to use as wallpaper, others are just for interest. I hope you enjoy them.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

   

A selection of photographs suitable as desktop wallpaper

800x600  1024x768

800x600  1024x768

800x600  1024x768

800x600  1024x768

800X600 1024X768

800x600 1024x768

 

Below are entries and photographs taken during the holidays from which my family  I have recently returned. The photographs are all suitable as desktop wall paper and any other use within the limitations of the copyright criteria.

These photographs were taken by my son Kevin.:

Fine Art

'Please do not link directly to my graphics as this is bandwidth theft. Download the graphic onto your own hard drive for your personal use only. Thank you and enjoy!'

 

May 12th

Today is the start of our holiday to the town of Glastonbury in Somerset. It is always quite an ordeal and there are OCD anxieties, indeed anxieties of all kinds. But I need to get away; life these days seems to be filled with one thing after another and one feels that there is no peace as there is always something to see to, the phone is always ringing despite the fact that none of us now have any friends to speak of. It is difficult to tell you precisely, in fact I do not know quite what it is but nowadays you feel as though your life is not your own and there is always some where to go, someone to telephone, some form to fill in or any number of other matters to attend to. I had spent the last week enormously stressed the anxiety of packing and making sure we are prepared is overwhelming and I often regret having made the arrangements, I always do. When reality dawns and I can no longer push the issue aside I ask my self why we do this, it is now too expensive, too stressful and over too quickly and we I are than left feeling bereft and filled with longings wishing we had gone to live in Somerset rather than where we live now.

We make our way from our location though some of the most splendid countryside, it is but sixty miles away yet we have never really ventured this way except on holiday. I ask myself why we go over 370 miles away to somewhere were the scenery is less spectacular when all this is right on our doorstep. Yet again it is the need to be away from the clamour and persistent pressure from society and also we all have an affinity for the town of Glastonbury. I have explained this all before in last year's entry and there seems little point in going over it all again. The following link provides same basic information from last years holiday to the town of Glastonbury in the county of Somerset. Glastonbury

Glastonbury - the Isle of Avalon

The journey takes us two days we stop off to visit the ruins of Haughmond Abbey Shropshire:
Haughmond Abbey : Properties : Properties & Events : English Heritage

We have visited here before such places are usually very atmospheric as one gets a glimpse in to what was perhaps a more tranquil time. However such is most certainly not the case today we have come at precisely the right time to be met with the dreadful noise of grass cutting equipment and our trip is a hasty one.

We spend a disturbed restless night in an overnight travel stop off; there is a low frequency hum. I cannot believe this there seems no escaping from such . It is a miserable night after a long journey during which I was constantly anxious about getting a migraine, needing to find a toilet and getting our stuff stolen each time we have to leave it to visit the various places we have decided to see on the way through. But in the morning we fail to complain although we are given every opportunity to do so as on our way our the receptionist cheerily asks if we enjoyed our stay and if everything was okay.

May

The journey begins again and this time is interrupted by a migraine. A nasty headache has developed into migraine, it is an inevitable event on almost every holiday on both the trip there and the return journey. It is frightening and difficult and would be so for anyone. My medication administered as a suppository does not make if easy particularly for me a sufferer of severe contamination OCD. Yet without this medication I could not travel such a distance, it is a necessity. It is stress filled and frustrating however; I will of course not go into details but the need to find privacy to be able to lie down and the need for bottles of water and soap to be come OCD clean afterwards is quite a performance. I wish at such times that I had never mentioned doing on holiday after all the expensive of the damp course we could not afford it and I am really just too ill. Few people with such frequent attacks of migraine and daily headache would even consider making such a trip each year let alone anyone with severe OCD, IBS and all the other maladies . After all neither my husband or my son ever suggested we go away, no if I did not mention a holiday we would not be here now miles from anywhere and I would not be in pain and on the verge of tears. It is not simply the migraine, it is also the fear that it might not in fact be migraine as it is often difficult to tell a severe tension headache from a migraine. The fact that I may take my medication at the wrong time and the migraine than turns up later and I am than unable to take another dose for sixteen hours is frightening at any time, but away from home these anxieties are of cause compounded. But the pain is awful, I get out to go to the toilet the pain is dreadful my heart thumps with the fear of the anticipation of the excruciating pain that can developed if I fail to take action . We are in a car park in Hereford, it is not ideal but a fairly safe place to administer my medication so the decision is made. Taking advantage of the situation my son takes the opportunity during the forty-five minutes I need to lie on the seat to visit Hereford cathedral. I spend the next several hours or so anxious should a migraine turn up. The pain appears to have been relieved for a while yet returns within an hour or so yet less severe indicating that perhaps I had only a tension headache after all. Again I regret having put myself in such a position. Yet I want a life like anyone else and the thought of staying at home because of all my fears and these headaches is unthinkable. Yet of course this would be the case if I did not have my medication, I often wander what would become of me without my medication.

The rest of the journey is of course thwart with so much neurotic carrying on it would be tedious to recount it all. We get on with the journey visiting the parish church of St. Mary and St David at Kilpeck, old churches are a source of keen interest for my son. Visiting them however can bring on OCD religious scrupulosity problems, but a quick look round is less problematic than it once was. This is an ancient church, it is often described as ‘one of the most perfect Norman village churches in England’. It has the most well preserved carvings despite the fact that they ‘re made of sandstone. It is a most fascinating place and one could look at the intricately decorated door for quite some time fascinated by the artistry and peculiar sculptures from a school of sculpture known as The Herefordshire School of Romanesque Sculpture’. Social anxiety presents itself when a friendly visitor to the church engages us in conversation. I leave my husband and son to do most of this despite their similar difficulties and I think just how serious a problem my social anxiety and my inability to communicate verbally has become and just how tongue tired I am. But this is a holiday and I try to resist such negative concerns. The peacefulness of the church yard despite morbid ruminations as a result of numerous graves both very old and modern and  my anxieties should a dog come bounding along the path is spoilt by a continuous feeling of stressful anticipation as though one cannot keep still for even a moment and anxiety churns inside and I am constantly impatient as my husband and son examine just about anything and everything of even the remotest interest.

Later on we visit the ruins of Morton Corbet Castle  in a remote peaceful village - at least it appears that way first. Occasionally RAF  helicopters pass over as there is a pilot training base at Shawbury but I did not notice this during our visit perhaps we were lucky
 

Again my anxiety is great , I am in a state of continual alert over the possibility of a thoughtless dog owner who will allow his or her dog to run unleashed despite the requirement at most such properties for dogs to remain on a lead. I recognise that of course dogs want their freedom, a dog cannot remain on a leash for such is cruel but nonetheless I cannot help my anxiety or the anger I experience when owners make no attempt to control their dog or train it to keep away from strangers. I worry about all our luggage piled on the roof rack and I am glad when the visit is once again finally over. .

I am invariably anxious whenever we arrive at the self catering accommodation despite the fact this is the forth year we have strayed at this particular place. Finally after much searching mentioned in an earlier entry we decided to stay where we have done so now as there was nothing else suitable either being too expensive or there was not the assurance that we would not be pestered by dogs. The proprietor is pleasant, the cottage we rent is on her property so there is the occasional contact and the need for brief social exchange but usually this is all over after our initial arrival. But this year she had had to go away for the day and is not here to greet us. Although our first reaction is relief we do not quite know what to do when she returns; should we go over and reintroduce ourselves or just let it be and see if she comes to us, My husband who is getting increasingly more of a worry wart obsesses about his but I determine not to have this hassle with not knowing what one should or should do in such situations drive me crazy as it does at home and I try to just let things take there course which they do later on when we meet her in the drive.

It is always an anxiety provoking experience staying anywhere even though the place is immaculately clean; in this regard things are better than they where when years ago I would need to entirely disinfect the house and would not hang my clothing in the cupboards, wash all the crockery, cutlery and clean out the fridge, remove the sheets and blankets from the beds and so on. Today however there is less anxiety in this regard and somehow I manage with far less exhausting rituals. Often the appearance of cleanliness can mitigate the urge to decontaminate although the thoughts continue to torment me particularly concerning the crockery, cutlery and the tea towels.I shower, I am anxious of who has previously stayed here but cope as copious amounts of water cleanse away the perceived contamination of a very difficult day for a person such as myself.

Kilpeck church in Herefordshire. Notice the intricate carvings. For more information :

800x600 1024x768

Kilpeck historic church, Herefordshire travel and tourism information

Morton Corbet House


800x600 1024x768

BBC - Shropshire - History - Moreton Corbet Castle

May 14th

I wonder some times if all the stress of a holiday is really worth it. It is not just my OCD, headaches and so on. No it is also that driving obsession with the need to make the most of any holiday and this is not easy as getting others out and about early can be problematic, nether my son nor my husband are early birds. I wake on holiday in the early hours at much the same time as I do at home and sit in the conservatory drinking tea and having breakfast trying to relax and appreciate the lack of pressure to do this or that. And yes it makes a pleasant change not to be sitting at my computer for I do tend to overwhelm myself with things to do and make more pressure than is either necessary or helpful. Although intensive activity does distract it can in itself increase ones anxieties. I am the type of person who on holiday likes to get out early before everyone else is out and about; I like to appreciate that special early morning feeling, the stillness only broken by the singing of birds. I particularly like to make my way up the steep path to the summit of Glastonbury Tor, which for me personally is an arduous climb to the top, and feel the positive energies there. Yes whether a fanciful notion or otherwise I feel there is a special something about this place which according to the beliefs of various traditions is situated upon an important lay line the same lay line which runs it’s course also to Aveburys’ Neolithic stone circle. Glastonbury is according to the same beliefs situated upon an important spiritual hot spot if you like, upon one of the earth's chakras. Whatever ones own person beliefs this place is sacred to many religious : Christianity, pagan and New Age to name just a few. On the top is St Michael's church tower, all that remains of this ancient church.

St Michaels Tower: Glastonbury Tor. Often people sleep on the Tor. This person was still fast a sleep when we ascended the Tor in the early hours of the morning.

 800x600 1024x768

This morning it is a glorious day, it will prove to be one of the best of the entire holiday. There is of course anxiety; need I mention this? Of course not you can take it as read that anxiety is a constant companion although I do not give account of every detail as it would be overwhelming, tediously boring and time consuming to do so. I can however assure you that every moment, every endeavour, and indeed every step is an arduous task, a fight with both my body and my mind; OCD thoughts and compulsions beset me time and time again. And indeed the steps to reach the summit of the Tor are exhausting with my aching muscles and joints but the worst of all is the fear, the fear that takes away my peace and the enjoyment of this quiet place, it is the fear that has taken away my life, the fear that never leaves me alone, it is the fear that metamorphs like some shape shifting beast from ancient mythology constantly altering its tact and its approach to bring about as much misery as is possible. I hear a shout, it is a man calling his dogs, two of which are running like naughtily children heeding not their parents summons to return. They may not come anywhere near me and if I knew that I would be okay but the fear lies in not knowing. They race by approaching very near my heart leaping to my throat, fear coursing its way through my being. I hate this fear, it is an uncontrollable phobic reaction as much as an OCD one. I know if I have contact with these dogs I will be distraught with panic should I contract a disease. This is the worse type of OCD, this fear that alienates me from other animals, it is an ever present fear that I have failed to even mitigate for any length of time despite attempts to do so.

Nonetheless through the haze of fear and anxiety I appreciate the scenery, the vast panorama that lies below and the profusion of bosoms this year on the trees and hedgerows despite the inclement weather. Although this is not apparent from the photograph below I have never noticed such intense blooms on all the tress and hedgerows in Somerset that bear flowers.

Glastonbury Tor
800x600 1024x768

Later we visit the city of Bath, a visit which we make every year. You may be thinking that we are creatures of habit - well of course we are, isn’t OCD to some degree all about habit at least in a sense, OCD appears habitual does it not. Habit and routine are also characteristic of anyone one on the autistic spectrum so we are all indeed well and truly creatures of habit. But in this case there is nothing wrong or neurotic about the frequency or habitual visiting of places previous frequented as long as the motivation to do so has no element of compulsion or is fear related.

Bath is an elegant City, neoclassical buildings add a charm of times past and an easier way of living, the crescents of grand Georgian houses are familiar to most here in the UK. Bath is of course a Roman city most famous for.. well it’s Roman baths, it is a spa city with hot springs beneath. Bath which is built in the mouth an extinct volcano has been designated a World heritage site. Mostly I guess it is my son who is most fascinated by this place and often dreams of living there however unless he wins the lottery his ambition remains a dream. Passing by a local estate agent we were amazed to find a house for sale, a Georgian house in one of the crescents, the former home of William Pit (British prime minister during the French Revolutionary and Napoleonic wars) for the fantastic sum of nearly 3 million pounds!!!! The ridiculous price of housing these days never ceases to amaze me but this well ... crazy absolutely crazy; I wonder who on earth has that kind of money.

I find the bustle and clamour of any city very overwhelming and although it was Sunday the city was a hive of activity. It is of course a tourist attraction and I guess that is why we were there. I must admit that sometimes due to depression my interest in such tourist venues is limited as my mind is occupied with whether or not the headache I have will become a migraine or where I can find the nearest toilet and how difficult it is for me to get about as I become very easily exhausted. Social interaction, another issue which diminishes my ability to be interested as I tend to be concentrating my energies on either avoiding social contact or struggling to fight my increasing tenancy to become tongue tied if such contact is unavoidable. Such was the case when we visited a museum which was really one of the Georgian houses which had been furnished authentically reconstructing the lives of the upper-classes of Georgian England. Guides in each of the rooms were ready to answer questions which was of course awkward for me but fortunately an Australian couple where asking so many questions that I was able to learn quite a lot of interesting information and their presence also allowed me - and indeed all three of us as to some extent, particularly my son who has Aspergers syndrome and finds social interaction is awkward - to be less conspicuous by our silence and obvious lack of eye contact. People sense that there is problem, no this is not my imagination it is obvious that social interaction is difficult and it is obvious that I am deliberately avoiding conversation, I guess most people consider me simply very unfriendly.

It is always of course interesting to learn how others lived years ago and I stood in the relative quietness thinking how lovely it much have been to experience a world free of the noise of modern society, free of machinery and all the other modern day noise overload with which I am increasingly unable to cope. However I am keenly aware that a life with only the noise of birds singing and the ticking of a clock ticking away ones life would be a recipe for frequent attacks of existential terror or at the very least an increase in periods of morbid rumination. Yes you may be thinking that with me you could never win, here is person who complains bitterly about noise yet also fears silence as her thoughts are than greatly accentuated . But it is finding a kind of middle way is it not; the right kind of noise at the right time and sadly such is never going to happen. Yes indeed the seemingly peaceful and empty days of the elegant life style of this period would not be conducive at all for coping with OCD. It appears to me these people had little to do. Dinner was served between 2 and 4 and took two or three hours to complete a six course menu. Such waste of precious life and such pointless activity would have driven me just crazy. But there again people who lived in such circumstances in those days knew of little else and accepted this situation knowing of no other.

The guide however in the kitchen was more friendly and here we had the need to make conversation but I am distracted by a treadmill with a cardboard cut-out of a dog turning the now mechanised device. Apparently according to the guide, dogs were used to turn the treadmill to roast the meat. Naively I said: “ if I was the dog I would simply just sit there“, but no the unfortunate creature would not have such control as apparently a hot coal would be put into the treadmill to make the animal continue its pace. The horror of such cruelty haunted me for some while after and thinking of this as I do so now brings to mind imagined images of such dreadful cruelty. I am considered by most standards I guess oversensitive, but am I ? I think not, fortunately in this regard things have moved on and such would not today be permitted of course, but such cruelty was justified than if indeed it was even considered at all, as it is often justified now when cosmetics companies are allowed to torture animals in the development of cosmetics. Another visitor entered the room and laughed at the cut-out, perhaps it was surprise, shock or plain insensitivity. Other horrors such as traps for rodents whereby the device caught the unfortunate animal by the neck and a nail was realised. To my mind this was unimaginable cruelty and I wondered if in those days I would have been as sensitive to such as I am now when such behaviours were common place. I cannot imagine how anyone can possibly be so cold, so insensitive to the suffering of such creatures to invent such a wicked device. Referring to the dog in the treadmill even the guide remarked to my repeated comments about cruelty that it was the only way that they could cook. Surely not, surely an hourly rotation of kitchen staff to turn the spit by hand would have had the same effect. Often I think people accept such cruelty as necessary simply because they do not think it through. Perhaps this is one of the more positive side effects of having OCD and that is our ability to analyse and not to accept situations at face value simply because some one says this or that is a necessary evil. No cruelty to any being in my opinion can ever be justified.

Crossing the bridge over the river a young women in tears rushes past. At the time I barely perceive her occupied within my own misery whist struggling to try and enjoy what is well... supposed to be enjoyable but is not if you are exhausted and suffer with so many problems. It took time for the situation to penetrate my preoccupations and as I continued to walk anxious about something or other it was not until we crossed the bridge that my husband remarked that this women was upset I finally realised the situation. I felt really guilty more time went by as I tried to decide if I should do something. Many years ago I would not have hesitated neither would it have taken me so long to process the situation for indeed it took a good while for my rather weary brain to and to comprehend. I felt guilty part of my hesitation had of cause been due to social anxiety simply not knowing what to do, or what to say and also being unwell myself I was fearful of not being able to do much anyway and making the matter worse. I recall now some years ago a homeless person crying in the street I went over to him but could do nothing and had to walk away as I could not even understand what he was trying to tell me. I at times honestly feel I have nothing left in me to help others, I am so preoccupied with my own daily life I feel in someway the problems which I face have killed some of my ability to have compassion in the immediate now in situations of which I may be able to alleviate the suffering of another even though I am very sensitive to the suffering of people and animals in distant places and times long past . I felt guilty and sad but once having made the decision to do something she had gone.

Georgian Crescent Bath
800x600 1024x768

The World Heritage Site of Bath - Visit Bath

May 15th

The Buddhists believe that suffering is the result of grasping craving and desiring not only in obvious ways as in material acquisition but also in less obvious ways such as in wanting things to be different: craving to be well when we are ill, wishing we lived a different life, craving happiness and so on. Even the desire for enlightenment or other kind of spiritual fulfilment can be counted as desire when it is sought with the attitude of grasping and craving. Basically unhappiness is the product of wishing things were different to what they are; wanting what we do not have. However on holiday in Glastonbury sadly this seemingly innate of all human behaviours appears to manifest in its worse form: the craving for material acquisition - at least on the surface. But sometimes I wander concerning my motivation as we intensively spend the entire day in the many New age shops which line the high street of this small town filled with books, crystals and other new age paraphernalia . Jokingly we refer to such excursions as GCDing, grasping craving and desiring outings. For indeed mostly this is precisely what happens, although for me oftentimes such is more about unhappiness than the obvious greed to possess things; it is more a craving for some happiness, for enlightenment, a search for knowledge for meaning to life, to death and all aspects of this difficult existence. It is more a burning desire to find peace of mind and fulfilment and as the years race by this desire burns more keenly. I feel so consumed by this need as with time ticking by in the more immediate here and now (car parking restrictions) I search the endless piles of books in the local very cheap new age shop. This year so many titles attract my attention. I am confused fearing to select the wrong things leaving behind something that may bring the fulfilment I so dearly seek. Yet reason has to prevail as I am not in a position financially even with prices as cheap as £ 5 to buy the numerous books that claim to have the answer to the mysteries of life, of happiness and fulfilment. Often I exclaim unfortunately rather loudly that some books do nothing more than raise false hope. Yet I fear to leave any stone unturned. I remark to my husband that even just readying some books of this nature helps to lift ones mood and raise ones positivity even if one is unable to carry out the advice within. Advice that sadly over so many years often appears to be to be much the same but written in a different guise. I am intensely anxious spending too much time in one shop and feel harassed and stressed fearing missing things in other shops. Naturally obsessive compulsive collecting and buying often pointless stuff of course rears its ugly head and I purchase a green man wall plaque knowing it will be one of many I have already. Although I recognise this compulsion to buy something to make me feel that the day has not been entirely spent ruminating and obsessing and paralysed by indecision I seem unable to thwart such compulsion. Moreover if I do not buy it or something similar until we shop here again at the end of the week I will be haunted by the rumination that I should have done so. I return to the cheap book shop and buy a couple of books persuaded to overcome my doubts by may all to enthusiastic son to spend money we do not really have for such things. My son seems to see the acquisition as a way of negating his unhappiness; this appears to be problem with some Aspies who indulge their obsessive interests regardless of their financial situation. Often one has to keep this in mind when we hear of those who have run up huge debts that sometimes it is not about greed but rather about unhappiness, compulsions and other less obvious motivations.

I feel guilty and ashamed about these overwhelming cravings for so many of things and my insatiable desire which is not migrated despite by awareness of the motivation behind such thoughts and behaviours. My impatience is profound, irritability rears its ugly head as my son takes ages making a decision. Yes I should understand I hear you say as I too have the same problems but sadly it is not easy to understand the perspective of another regardless of ones own insight and it is sad to see ones son afflicted by similar unhelpful and potentially harmful behaviours. I am ashamed that in such a place which is meant to be very spiritual to harbour such feelings of craving. I should of course point out that not everyone see Glastonbury in this regard many of the locals not into New age find the take over of the High Street by such shops a real pain in the neck as more practical shops are few and far between. Moreover there is much prejudice against newagers particularly new age travellers

We have a meal in our usual cafe’; here in Glastonbury there is no trouble finding vegetarian even vegan food, the cafe we choose is exclusively veggie vegan. But is it also glutton free? Umm yes this my sound like an obsessive compulsive thing the beginnings of an eating disorder and for my son as I have said before this may well be the case as his eating goes beyond being a gluten free vegan, which as you can imagine is difficult enough even when not on holiday. However in addition he also is anxious about other matters relating to food such as additives and whether or not the food is organic and various other considerations that could make his behaviour an eating disorder in the future if it is not already. He has lost weight and I need to keep an eye on him. A lot of his behaviours are so reminiscent of those of my sister a sufferer of anorexia nervosa. Anyhow in the last couple of weeks I have also decided to try a gluten free diet. Yes maybe we are beginning to affect each other but my son considers that he may have celiac disease and after looking at the symptoms I have begun to feel that perhaps this may be the case for me also. As it is not to big a deal to at least try if admitting gluten from my diet will help my IBS, celiac disease or whatever it is that adds misery to my life with chronic frequent bowels movements and occasion abdominal pain I decided to try a gluten free diet . As there appeared to be some improvement I decided to continue with this very awkward vegan gluten free diet on holiday. The vegan part is an ethical matter that I could not set aside anyway. I had thought to set aside the gluten free aspect until we returned home but having made some improvement I decided to continue.

Amazingly the cafe did a gluten free meal. It was too spicy and I ate little of it overwhelmed not only by its unpalatable content but by the loud music that thumped in the back ground , the constant babble of conversation , the rather grubby appearance to the floor which my son seemed to think was a prerequisite to new age living and a stray dog roaming round the shop. I complained about the dog which was remedied however I rather think that had not done so no one would have bothered. We have visited this cafe now for years and I always felt uncomfortable as indeed I do whenever I eat out but the food is always good, it is cheap and there is no worry about what is in it from a vegan veggie perspective. However this year I had difficulty coping and I did not enjoy my meal my mind focused on the floor, the possibility of the dog returning and the hump thump thump of the music. Sometimes I think that now as my life is so effected by so many things in my environment that it is impossible for me to enjoy anything. Anxieties about food, noise and other obsession I was pleased to leave.

Glastonbury High Street
800x600 1024x768
 

May16th

Today it is cold and standing on the beach at Coombe Martin in Devon I recall as a child and yes even as an adult that the seaside once excited me, it was for me the most delightful of locations and I would always at the very least paddle in the sea and walk along the coastline. But now so much has changed and oftentimes I quite forget why or rather I take it for granted that no longer are such pleasures afforded to me. No I do not hesitate to walk in the sea along the coast because of the cold and rain but rather because of my OCD. OCD has taken this small pleasure away, moreover the entire business of just standing here looking out to sea even on this deserted beach with the rain falling in a drizzle with no one else insight other than my husband and son is stressful ; it’s anxiety provoking due to the possibly that any moment someone's dog will come tearing towards me. I make as much effort as I can so not to spoil this for my husband and son as we walk down the concrete slipway to the sea, but I am anxious always alert peering round at every sound. I hear voices I turn anticipating a dog but no it is only a couple of young children, two girls, they rather remind me of my sister and I when we were both of similar age and still found pleasure in trips to the coast but such pleasure indeed turned soar for both of us; for me because of my OCD and her Lynda because of her agoraphobia. I envy the relaxed ease of these children reminiscent of a time when both my sister and I could still enjoy such pleasures although of course our respective anxieties were there and waiting in the background but less pronounced . I cannot of course put my feet in the sea or any part of my anatomy it is now so polluted although on one occasion on a glorious hot day on Lindiasfarne Island when the sky was blue and the beach was a long stretch of golden sand I did paddle for a while but this is a rare event and was in fact the only occasion I have done this since the emergence of full blown contamination OCD. Today nothing would induce me to do so, the gloom of the overcast skies and the unseasonable cold is depressing and as those of you who suffer with anxiety know , you are less inclined to combat your disorder if you are depressed.

Finally the sun shines we make our way down the winding road descending to the seaside town of Lynmouth Bay . This is one most of the most scenic costal towns you can imagine it is surrounded by the tree covered hills of Exmoor as it meets with Lynmouth; at this time of the year the trees are a mixtures of vivid greens. I am aware of the beauty of it all and how lucky I am indeed to be standing here in such a delightful place; although it is still cold the sun is shinning and the sea is bluer. I know the whole situation should lighten my mood but it doesn’t. Through my chronic depression on another level of awareness I know that I should appreciate all this natural beauty and not from this more logical perspective but in a more emotional way, but sadly depression and anxiety dampens such emotions and I am in fact made more keenly aware of the way I feel , and in a way I feel a kind of guilt or at least a kind of pressure an insistence to find some way of reclaiming some of the joy that should be in my life. Yes the world is miserable place for many of us and more suffer greatly than I and I will never be able to ignore the misery that is here in the world not just for me but for every living creature. Once you are ware of such there is of course no going back; you cannot make yourself unaware. The great unhappiness and suffering that abounds within the world haunts me, but there should be the joyous moments when in such circumstances one is surrounded by such awesome scenery; I should feel at least for a few moments more positive even up lifted. I recall that once this would be the case but sadly depression and the length of time I have been this way negates such experiences. Depression and anxiety gradually erodes ones ability to enjoy such respites and quite what I can do to regain what used to be even for a while quite eludes me. There is always that tension it never it leave me and for the most part depression follows me everywhere like a faithful but unwelcome dog.

Interesting Rock formation West Coast Devon
800x600 1024x768
 

May 17th

Today it just poured of rain, an unremitting downpour. I felt rather like a drowned rat. But we are not the type to give in, holidays come once each year if you ‘re lucky and one simply has to make the best of them. Cold miserable we wonder round Glastonbury abbey, rather like a pilgrimage we make this visit every year.

Glastonbury Abbey

800x600 1024x768

Welcome to the Official Web Site - Glastonbury Abbey

The chalice well gardens, already explained in last year’s entry, is another favourite venue is also not an ideal place for a wet day but what else is there to do you have somehow to make the best of it, we wondered around rather damp and dejected. The misery is accentuated by the pressure to have to be back at the car park to collect the car did not help. Parking has been quite an issue this year, the car park having been taken over by the council offers inconvenient parking hours and it feels as though the constant pressure to keep an eye on the clock for various reasons is inescapable even here on holiday.

Car parking has been indeed problematic in recent years at the Tor. Much of my anxiety when visiting the Tor comes also from the necessity to park in restricted areas. This is because the entire circumference of Glastonbury Tor has been cordoned off my double yellow lines. There is now no vehicular access. There is a bus from the town for which I image you have to pay and it only runs only at certain times, not early in the morning or in the evenings. The other option is a mile walk from the town centre. Neither is suitable for me, it is an arduous trek to the top without the addition of a two mile round trip. The bus is incontinent for our morning trips and in any case I cannot use buses because of the anxiety of getting a severe headache or migraine when I at such times I need to get back to our car as quickly s possible; there could be anything from an hour or mores delay travelling my bus. There are disable parking faculties for three cars yet I would not qualify for a pass, apparently one has to be unable to walk. A rather limited and narrow criterion upon which to issue disabled parking passes don’t you think. This is real bone of contention each year for us, and so many locals who well... sigh...like to walk their dogs or come for other more profound proposes object most strongly to these unreasonable restrictions which in my experience are found no where else in the country in such a location. Last year we spoke to a farmer who cannot even park his truck outside the his gate to his own field because of double yellow lines.

The chalice well  is supposed to be a place for quite contemplation but that ever present feeling of anxiety cannot be so easily dismissed. I envy those who wonder about, sit and meditate and find something that is beyond me to ever find. I know this now... or do I; for every year I come here to this very picturesque garden searching for some meaning much the same as I trawl the books shops looking for answers, always searching, it is an insatiable quest which seemingly will never be satisfied. One of the sadist things about OCD is that it takes away ones ability to find some kind of spiritual fulfilment; either the obsessions themselves interfere with your religious beliefs, as I have explained in my memoir, or the OCD personality with its constant analytical tendency for analysis criticises and finds reason why this or that belief cannot possibly be true or bring about either the fulfilment or the enlightenment one seeks, or indeed bring about peace or happiness in any real sense whatsoever. I come here hoping each year that I will find some peace but peace ultimately and invariably comes from within, it is something that I have learned now over so many years. If you do not have internal peace it is unlikely you will find it in any external situation. The Buddhists teach that all suffering arises from within the mind, the mind is the architect of all our suffering. While I do not agree with this philosophy in its entirety, as I personally consider some external situations cannot bring anything other than suffering - it would need a saint to put a positive or neutral perspective upon circumstances such as bereavement, war, serious illness, loss of home, of livelihood and so on - the idea nonetheless in such situations relating to neurotic or chronic worries is valid. And anyone who sufferers with any mental health problem knows only too well the suffering that can be inflicted solely by what is occurring within the mind.

Chalice Well Gardens: The white spring

800x600 1024x768

The chalice Well Gardens official website:

Welcome to the Chalice Well Glastonbury

The rain abates in the evening and we sit in the bar of the George and Pilgrim a 15th century inn, its old world charm marred by modern reality: the need to ask for the key for the toilets, which are sometimes locked due to vandalism. Again I am uneasy anxious feeling uncomfortable in the way those of you who suffer with societal anxieties of any sort will fully understand, that feeling that everyone is staring and yes even talking about you or even laughing at you. I guess this trip is an attempt to be normal to go through the motions of appearing to enjoy such activities which to me sometimes seem pointless and filled with anxiety.We sit together and talk in much the same way as we have done all day, I can’t even have a drink due to chronic headaches. I used to have a sandy which felt like a drink but on this gluten free diet I cannot have anything with beer as it contains gluten. After a while we return to our accommodation have gone through the motions of doing what one should do on holiday -at least that is the way it appears to me from my perspective; I would feel uncomfortable and ruminate that we had not fully taken advantage of every moment of our holiday if we did not go out in the evening and have a drink or do something else and here there is little else to do in the miserable weather. Other years we have climbed the Tor in the evening but this year the weather is awful and I admit to feeling too anxious to do this in the evening as there will most likely be more people and more dogs. We drive round the Tor and sit and admire the view of this hill and watch the think grey clouds sweep over the tower of St Michaels Church, there is only on person on the summit and a couple climbing. I want to make the rip also but I simply do not have the motivation.

May 18th

Yet another socially awkward situation presents. I know I come over as rather antisocial and reclusive but on holiday I just wanted some peace from the pressure of social interaction. I do not wish never to talk to any one other than my family again but it is difficult for me and right now on holiday I wish to have some respite from the enormous effort social interaction requires. We are in the tiny village of Avebury (again refer to last years article, scroll down to the section about Avebury and link below) and we are engaged in conversation, a pleasant conversation if I did not have socially anxiety problems.

Briefly the village of Avebury has been built in the middle of a Neolithic stone circle, one of Europe's largest prehistoric stone circles. It has been designated a world heritage site. Much of this very impressive stone circle, the purpose of which is unknown, remains although much has been removed in past times to allow farmers to utilise the land and also some of the cottages in the village have been built of some of these stones. Nonetheless it is still impressive and indeed like Glastonbury there is something special about this place, it has positive vibes if you like, a good a term as any to express the subtle not easily to describe positive energies that for me exist here. Perhaps this is the reason it has been voted Britain's third most spiritual place.

I did not wish to go into the antique shop but every year we do so, we never buy anything but even if we could afford to do so we do not get the opportunity as the proprietor is very friendly and chatty, a most pleasant person indeed, I cannot really look round as for me it takes all my concentration to think of what to say in order to make an appropriate response and to avoid awkward feelings that invariably arise when the conversation becomes uncomfortable. I in any case leave most of this chat to my husband and son. My son has the same difficulties with social interaction due to Aspergers syndrome but he appears to have developed a repertoire for most situations that seems to get him through and his social anxieties appears less marked - at least this is my perspective. This is not to say that he does not suffer greatly from his inability to socialise and his anxiety in all social situation is great. I cannot possibly know how my son feels and it is not possible to really tell or to compare one person with another. Each of us are different; some people suffer greatly but are more able to hide it than are others but this does not mean that they do not suffer as much or even more so than the person whose problems are more obvious. The conversation despite our hang ups is most interesting as this person knows so much about the area and the history. The ditch which surrounds the stone circle was apparently twice as deep as it is now, indeed this place must have been truly awesome in the early years after its construction. It most likely was built for religious purposes for ceremony of some kind and I marvel at the ingenuity and the degree of dedication.

We walk round the circle and up to the processional way the wind is blowing a gale, it is difficult to walk but I really find the whole atmosphere exhilarating the wide open expanse of land mostly farmed with the patchworks of the yellows of Rape Seed oil and various shades of green. It is of course all matter of perspective many may find it a less positive experience; my sister a sufferer of agoraphobia would have found this vast open space anxiety provoking. It is claimed by professionals that agoraphobia is not literally the fear of open spaces, maybe for many it is not but in addition to the fear of going out anywhere, and at one time not even out her front door, my sister Lynda found that such wide open spaces including the sea would bring on dreadful feelings of anxiety.

Neolithic stone circle Avebury Wiltshire

800x600 1024x768

 Prehistoric.org.uk - Avebury - Stone Circle and Henge

This website has panoramas to view and is well worth a visit.

May 19th.

Our last day and another trip to the Tor and another confrontation with the dogs we encountered the other day; the dogs are tearing about unrestrained and ignoring the calls of their owner; the wind is blowing a fearful gale, it is difficult to retain my balance and it is in fact anything but relaxing. I am irritated, this will most likely be the last time we come here before we return home and all I wanted was a last peaceful moment or too here. We had risen quite early, it was now only 7am, after a whole week of trying I had finally got both my husband and son to agree to come here at such an early hour as I assumed it would be peaceful early in the morning with no one about, with little noise from the traffic that passes below in the distance with just the singing of birds, the bleating of sheep and the sound of the wind. Despite my negativity about most everything in life I seem always to have these peculiar expectations which never materialise in reality, and in fact this visit to the Tor was the least relaxing of all our visits here. However on the way down though yet again I was delighted to see the profusion of blossom on the hedge rows. Often throughout all my negativity, pessimism and anxiety I still appreciate the beauty of nature despite the awareness that within nature, within all existence there is dreadful suffering. The fact that each creature must harm another in order to survive, that illness, disease and death comes to everything thing that lives, even plants mars the mantle of natures' beautiful facade. Notwithstanding such gloomy considerations which haunt me I still appreciate the glory of nature - at least these more positive aspects.

The last day or two the thought of returning home has been depressing and I wish that we had come to live here rather than in the northeast where nothing seems ever to go right and I feel as though I simply do not fit in and do not belong there. Mind you for the most part I feel as though I really do not belong anywhere. We remain in Glastonbury roaming round the shops feeling rather miserable. Childish perhaps but one cannot help ones thoughts the mind is so fickle. When preparing to come here I wished we were not coming as travelling for me is such an anxiety filled experience and there are many fears associated with being away from home but once having arrived I dread going back to all the problems which face me at home. A final trip to the Chalice Well Gardens, one which is less hurried as we park in the street this time, concludes our holiday except for one last drink at the George and pilgrim and a ride round the circumference of the Tor. We  stop briefly to watch the grey rain laden clouds blow swiftly over the Tor and to lament the need to return home.

May 20th

We make the trip home all at the one time no overnight stops. Passing through Wales again it is a real treat to see the beauty of the Forest of Dean and I wish we could linger here longer but it is along trip home. I get another migraine. As Somerset slips further and further away I feel sick at heart and wonder if holidays really are worth it if one feels so bad when returning home.

May 21st

Now the dreadful task of unpacking and laundering all our cloths and generally trying to get back to a regular routine. I have hesitated to include all the above entries which are only brief glimpses from my holiday. Mainly I guess I wanted to try and add something a little more positive, an excuse to include some photos in an effort to distract rather from my negative ramblings about OCD although of course I could not leave this part of me behind, if only I could. I hope that I have not bored you with one of the most boring of inflictions: other peoples holiday photos :-). But I am sure that if I have than you have scrolled past this section of my blog. I did not of course write while I was away and it has taken a week or more to write these entries after returning home. The photos were taken by my son, there will be more on his website: in due course as soon as he can get back into a routine. He is for now rather fed up and disoriented after returning home any change for routine is disruptive and it takes us all while to readjust.

The photographs are seized to be used as desk top wallpaper and I hope that you enjoy them. They are copyrighted but as always with our photographs on this website you may use them for personal use or for charitable purposes. For any other use please contact me.

Wanderimgmind54@aol.com

May24th

Sufferers of depression are often advised not to watch the news particularly first thing in the morning which is often the worst time of the day for sufferers of anxiety and or depression. Of course one wishes to know what is happening in the world but the constant inundation of negativity is very detrimental for anyone let a lone sufferers of the disorders included on this website. Moreover these days I do not believe that the media is unbiased and often I do not believe we get the complete and unedited truth; there is so much more going on in the world that we never get to know about particularly if you do not have internet access. Furthermore the media concentrate almost exclusively on negative issues. As I have already said we need to know what is happening in the world but we also need a balance. Surely there must be something good occurring somewhere? Of course there is and it would be a nice change to hear about it.

When you suffer from depression the world in any case seems a darker place, your attention is drawn to negative issues; you no longer see the rose overwhelmed by the thorns. A constant diet of negativity not only on news programmes but in documentaries and in the general programming does little to help us see the world in a more balanced perspective. Most series, serials, films and so on are all about negative issues. Now of course you cannot avoid negativity in