March 8th

From snow showers to spring flowers. Below are photographs of spring flowers to brighten up your desk top or for any other personal use. Although it looks spring like despite so many windy days it continues to be cold and I wonder how these fragile flowers survive.

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For a few days this week I might take sometime away from my computer to see how this effects this odd visual distortion, which seems to get worse after using the computer for even a short while, just to see if taking a break from my computer makes any difference. I rather think not but this is worth a try. Although I can see well enough to both read and write it is a struggle with these visual dyslexia type disturbances.  Searching the net to find some idea what is causing this, I note that a very similar kind of visual disturbance can present with fibromyalgia, in fact one description is an almost perfect match. There are also a number of accounts of people with odd visual disturbances for which no cause can be found.

Yes I know it is not a good idea to search the net and yes I have given myself a fright from time to time. Symptoms of illnesses are in my opinion often poorly explained, at least the severity of the symptoms associated with each respective condition is understated and people like me, hypochondriacs, can easily think their similar but milder symptoms are some dire life threatening or disabling disease. But it is difficult to resist this urge. I do it hoping to find some comfort . Sometimes this happens but mostly I increase my anxiety and fear, Self diagnosis is not a good idea and a doctor should always be consulted but while one is waiting for appointments or if one has symptoms which take a while to diagnose and if you are really very frightened, it is such a temptation to look up symptoms on the net. Last weekend with the visual disturbance episode with the blurring anomaly and flashing lights which lasted forty minutes and which seemed to increase  the other visual problems, I really panicked thinking I might be having a stroke, later on a different type of head developed I imagined I had a brain tumour. Hypochondria is a misery, it for me heralded full blown OCD. 

In addition I really feel so depressed by this added hindrance to my activities on the computer and my writing which is, as those of you know who regularly read my blog, difficult enough with OCD manifestations related to writing which I have explained in great detail elsewhere

It seems an increasing struggle as there are problems with every facet of my life. Sitting here now struggling to find something to write that is more interesting than my complaining I am beset by a nasty headache and struggling with my visual problems, which makes the writing appear to shake slightly, the lines to converge and so on all described here, I feel really overwhelmed. It seems to be one thing after another, accept that it is an accumulation of conditions and disorders.

It might seem idyllic the way I describe our trips out and readers of my blog may get the impression that really life for me is not that bad.  Yes it is a boon to live near some of our country's most scenic, peaceful, remote and wild places but trips out of course are impaired by headaches, migraine, and so on and of course OCD and depression. These do not go away because you are away from home, rather they take on other dimensions of misery, even the OCD on its own will greatly mar a trip out, your mind is still plagued by intrusive thoughts, fears of contamination and worrying scenarios play in your mind over and over.

March 11th

Everything is such a struggle now, whether do to anxiety or some other problem I feel that my brain is increasingly less functional. In the above entry reading it back as I occasionally do obsessing over mistakes and so on I find that I had left something out that made the subject of the entry ambiguous if not outright confusing. The thoughts where in my mind describing briefly a recent day out but I had written as though anyone reading it knew what I was referring to. Not easy to explain to anyone, not even in writing my preferred method of communication.  I know that oftentimes I can be overly meticulous to detail. Conversely however there are times I can be very vague, as though in the course of reading or writing I have assumed quite wrongly that the other person knows what I am talking about, when of course such is impossible as my thoughts have not been transferred to my mouth by specking or to paper or my word processor. It is only when reading it back I notice this. But only after reading it back several times and not in succession either as most of these  problems do not register in my brain until rereading after a significant time has passed.  I have been told by my son and husband that often I suddenly say something quite out of the blue totally unrelated to what is being discussed, and sometimes way way after a conversation is concluded sometimes  even when nothing is being discussed and no one is talking . I guess I do this with people other than my husband or son, but mostly other people of course would not mention that I do this .

I guess I am thinking about something and on some subconscious level seem not to realise that no one of course is privy to my thoughts as I have neither vocalised them or written them. This seems to be much worse of late and while writing  I assume people know things they can't possibly know . The result is a very vague communication.

Another thing that is most worrying is that while I am typing I think I have written this or that; whole phrases even sentences and again when I go to read it all back it can take several readings to notice I have not written these sentences or phrases. I miss out words of course I think perhaps a lot of people do this from time to time or write the letters of the words in the wrong order, ahve ( have) is a common one for me.

Anyone else experience anything similar? 

A neighbour told me that his spelling and writing was effected by his mental health problems. Anxiety can seriously screw up ones thinking processes although I have the idea that people on the autism spectrum often assume the other perosn knows what he or she is talking about. Anxiety though can really bring about a turmoil of confused thinking however for the hypochondriac such as my self more worrying reasons for these manifestations of confused thinking arise to the fore, which in their turn of course increase anxiety.  The suffering that can arise for any anxiety disorder is pervasive and often compounded by co morbid disorders and your thoughts go round in a maelstrom of fearful imaginings which after so many years really take a toll, not only on your mind and your thinking processes but also on your physiology and symptoms of illnesses present which if you are a hypochondriac increase ones fears still further. Anxiety generated in such a way than goes on to increases the symptoms and severity of other disorders from which one suffers and it becomes a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety.

March 14th

Finally yesterday I went for my appointment to the ophthalmic clinic of a hospital in a nearby city, (not keen on giving details of which city, which may identify the hospital; even though I am not about to say anything derogatory, I am anxious not to identify people)  having cancelled a previous appointment a month earlier due to anxiety about travelling this distance along some very busy major roads.  I regretted cancelling this appointment as it left me with a whole month of anxiety worrying about the journey more than the actual appointment. I have come to be quite fearful of journeys to certain places most notably large cities and motorways and major A roads which are fraught with anxiety as motorists race past one another in some insane frenzy - maybe a slight exaggeration but when you are anxious it sure feels this way. And it is a fact too many people speed and are careless drivers and in recent years this tendency has increased along with my anxieties. I am always somewhat nervous when we go anywhere but in the aforementioned circumstances this has been made worse by my husband's anxiety about driving in cities particualry this one. In all the years we have lived in the north east we have driven into this city but once only. My anxiety in this particular case was not helped by someone reacting to my mention of a hospital appointment with "I would never drive through ...city " with obvious anxiety . I was rather angry about this as it seems  people have no idea that such comments are a detriment, particualry as this person knows I have an anxiety disorder I felt that such comments where inappropriate. 

As the anxiety mounted as the day approached for me to go my husband rang the consultant's secretary to see if there was somewhere more local  we could go.  But in the finish we decided this could involve another long delay and may in any case not be possible as I had been referred to see this particular doctor whom I was told had a special interest in my type of problem.

I really had significant stress and anxiety which become just awful as the day approached. I cannot adequately describe to you how it felt, I could not concentrate, I ruminated, catastrophized; the journey it seemed was my greatest fear. My son insisted on coming with us, fearful we would get lost. Yes it is true neither my husband and I are good navigators and as it turned out if my son had not come with us yes indeed we would have taken the wrong turning.

As is usual I was anxious should I get a migraine or other significant headache. Also anxiety of going to a place of which I was not familiar. So many fears, anxieties racing round in my mind. The morning before the appointment passed incredibly slowly, I was too fearful to do anything that may precipitate a headache. I really feel now that I am simply unable to cope with anything even the day to day routine of life and these extra anxieties are now incredibly overwhelming and add a new dimension of utter misery. Words fail me to describe to you just how awful this trip and the appointment made me feel. Since I was referred in December of last year it has played upon my mind and at times I had wanted to cancel the appointment altogether. However an increase in symptoms caused me too much concern and I felt so torn as though all these opposing fears would tear me apart.

As I have mentioned on many previous occasions before an appointment to any medical facility I have to be extra OCD careful about contamination making sure I have a specially clean set of clothes, extra showering and  I even scrubbed and disinfected my shoes. All added to my anxieties and I just wished that it was all over. It took some time to complete these preparations and it did not help that the washing machine had broken down and we could not get it fixed until the day after the appointment.

The journey was stressful but less problematic than expected and we did not get lost arriving over an hour and a half too early. I always arrive at appointments far too early but this was far more so today than usual due to my anxiety about getting lost. I was so stressed that I failed to appreciate the impromptu trip round this city, including a visit to an art exhibition at the university which to my way of thinking was ludicrous, with the theme of, I would imagine, communication. The sudden intermittent loud screeching from one of these bizarre exhibits set my nerves on edge. I was so indescribably anxious; it seems now that my anxiety has extended its remit to anywhere unfamiliar as with a pounding heart I struggled down unfamiliar stairs to the toilet. What was I afraid of I can't imagine. If we go another time this fear will not be as profound as my familiarity increases, but recently I am incredibly anxious in any unfamiliar setting. Why I have no idea.

All I could think of was that I just wanted it all to be over. The thump thump thump of music in a university book shop nearly drove me crazy and I could not resist making loud comments to this effect. I really get so angry and tense because of intrusive music everywhere and worried that I may find a similar situation in the hospital! 

However having coped with overwhelming anxiety entering the rather gloomy building with dismal corridors I was pleasantly  surprised to arrive at the ophthalmic department to be greeted by peace and quiet, not too crowded. The addition of bright coloured wall hangings did much to enhance this area of this huge hospital.

I  was seen almost immediately by the nurse for the usual brief eye test, than immediately afterward for a test for my peripheral vision and again in only minutes a test for my eye pressure. I was anxious I did not like the drops inserted into my eyes or the fact that the test required contact with my eyes despite the fact I had had this done previously. The doctor, was pleasant and tried to reassure me and remarked that there was no problem with this test as it was given routinely to children, it was painless, I would not feel a thing due to the anaesthetising effects of the eye drops. I hope the day comes when people will understand that such considerations albeit well intended of course do little to alleviate anxiety however irrationally such anxiety may appear to others... Oh if only it did than my life would be transformed.

The  consultant came in having read my account of the circumstances of my visual problems. Asking questions which where difficult to answer, as it is not easy to explain this problem. After some consultation I was told that the visual episodes with flashing lights was migraine but it seemed to me that the point was missed that after these episodes my migraine did not occur and came at other times not associated with these episodes. The visual distortion described in the link above when reading was not diagnosed. I was told that there was a small number of patients with symptoms which could not be diagnosed. I was advised to get a new prescription for my glasses as this may improve the situation. I was tempted to say that this had not been the case in the past but felt really it was pointless as there was nothing to be done.

I think the doctor was surprised that I accepted this conclusion without question, and I remarked that I had had so many unexplained symptoms in one way or another that where never diagnosed. I had suspected that this would be the outcome. Before my appointment I had researched on the net similar symptoms and it does appear that a small number of people have odd unexplained visual disturbance which appears to be of a psychosomatic nature or at least unexplained.  Could this be yet another type of  somatoform disorder. A transference disorder or part of somatisation disorder a diagnosis sometimes given when the patient experiences a number of seemingly psychosomatic but physical symptoms.

Visual disturbance is also a symptom of fibromyalgia, although the detail of the exact manifestation of such disturbance is difficult for me to ascertain, as there is little detailed information concerning the form that this visual disturbance takes.

So yet again nothing has improved. Do I have somatisation disorder, fibromyalgia, transference disorder or is it simply that medical science does not at this time know the cause for these symptoms? I was advised to get a filter screen for my computer, carrying on using the tinted plastic sheet for reading and just carry on and try and push through the distortion as no damage will result to the eyes because according to their knowledge there is nothing organically wrong with my eyes. A medical mystery as the doctor remarked.

Afterward I regretted not having mentioned somatisation disorder or fibromyalgia but was just so relieved to have nothing wrong and wanted to return home feeling a headache coming on. And indeed my headache become quite severe, almost migraine like and today it developed into a severe migraine. I was glad that the appointment had gone so well, I was seen quickly, there was not the long delay I had expected.

So what now? Nothing has changed I continue to get the blob in the  middle of my vision when  reading or using the computer and all the other symptoms and it is a strain and is uncomfortable and adds to the other difficulties I have with reading and writing due to OCD, my inability to spell or coordinate to type, lack of concentration and comprehension and all the other miseries which result from my severe anxieties that plague my life

MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Somatization disorder

Somatoform disorders..

Fibromyalgia Introduction - Health encyclopaedia - NHS Direct

March 16th

There is a dog running loose near the road, just now looking out of the window I see a car pull up and the dog run back. I feel really anxious as though it is my responsibility to do something. It is 7.38 am no one else is about and where this dog comes from I don't know. I always feel that this sort of thing is my responsibility, if it gets run over I will feel just dreadful but what to do. With my OCD anxieties about contamination by dogs it complicates the issue although even if this was not the case quite what I can do I do not know. It has ran away round the corner now near to a quieter stretch of road and all I can do is hope that its owner finds him before he gets run over.  Yesterday while out I saw a bird hopping along, one leg may have been injured, again that pang of anxiety and the feeling I need to do something, but again what?  Birds are not easy to catch and there is still the OCD contamination fears to contend with, I feel so wretched at times helpless, hopeless and say to my husband that I am finding it so difficult to be out as I can't cope with these situations, the feelings of responsibly are just awful particualry when it would be very difficult for me to take action.

At the botanical gardens the green house had a number of panes of glass missing. In one of the sections there are butterflies. They have direct access through these broken panes to the outside although unless you have a keen eye or an obsessive nature whereby you notice this sort of thing this could easily be missed and this appears to be the case. Also there have been frequent strong winds of late. I spoke to one of the gardeners and he said he would look into it. But still I worried and the next day e-mailed the head gardener who was very appreciative and said he would fix it. Was this over responsibility?  It did cause me such stress to have to do this becasue of the necessary social interaction although in hindsight perhaps in this case I did the right thing, even though some might say it was excessive to
e-mail the head gardener after talking previously to a gardener at the time and that this further action had resulted from OCD torment that I had not taken sufficient action. With OCD it is difficult sometimes as you notice these things, things that others appear not to notice and see it as your responsibility

The other  day we had a trip to the Durham dales, a very windy day, we could barely get out of the car. There was not much we could do except ride round and sit and admire the scenery. However it was not long before I noticed a discarded can and a set of plastic rings which are used to pack six packs of beer and similar drinks  Both of these carelessly discarded items are a  hazard to wildlife. It makes me angry to see this, I hate litter, I loath the irresponsible yobs ( not necessary young as the term yob might imply, I have have seen pensioners just throw paper onto the ground even when there are litter bins available) who throw rubbish anywhere, but here in his beautiful wild place it angers me much more so, for not only the unsightliness of such but the potential harm to wildlife.  Here we have some of the  most beautiful scenic places with open access to walkers and sightseers in the country, yet people mar it with their behaviours.  I try not to give in to these compulsions otherwise I would be forever picking up litter and oftentimes there is just so much of it is impossible and of course there would be contamination issues. We in fact drove away some distance before I could not cope with the worry any longer and trying to ignore this feeling that I should pick up this litter so we turned back. 

The problem which makes it difficult for me is of course my contamination OCD and my imagination.  To pick this up would be difficult and I had to be careful to avoid contaminating my hands or my clothes, the nearest village being some miles way, there is nowhere to wash my hands. And where would I put it having picked it up, there are no litter bins here. I had to work out how to do this. I took a plastic carrier bag and would have to pick up the carton and plastic rings up by placing my hand in the bag and than turning it inside out so it contained the litter without touching my hands. This I can tell you at the best of times is an ordeal and  I need to be extremely careful. However with the wind at gale force velocity I could barely stand, it was extremely difficult and although I think I did not touch the container I could not be certain as the bag blew everywhere. I had to push this bag under the seat in the car and was concerned that I would become contaminated by the contents and the bag, which of course had been in contact with the ground, as it would shift as soon as the car started. Also my imagination tormented me with with the bizarre notion that instead of beer being in the can there may be some deadly toxin. Silly I know but who knows... that's the troubles isn't it , basically on some more rational level we know it would be extremely unlikely yet there is doubt, the what ifs, just maybes, it is within the realms of possibilty even if not probability, albeit unlikely. However   nothing of the kind even remotely occurs to my husband. "You don't know what's been in the can" I say to my husband. "Beer of course" he relies without hesitation. 

On another occasion in same week in the city whilst visiting a public toilet in the tourist information centre and theatre, one of the toilets is locked. It has the red tab on the latch meaning it is engaged. But there is no sound coming from the cubicle. I am concerned, has someone collapsed? I try the door it is definitely locked, there is no one inside yet the door is locked. I am too shy to knock on the door to enquire and this alone causes anxiety and feelings of guilt as there is yet another conflict of anxieties; social interaction and a heightened feeling of responsibility. Again on a logical level I know there is no one inside. But I am anxious nonetheless and have the compulsion to make enquires at reception, again rather an ordeal for someone who is tongue-tied and has scoial anxieties although I have done this on a previous occasions  and the person I approached was very impressed that I should be so caring and and concerned to enquire, most people would not notice or think anything of it. Yet it causes so much anxiety to do so, to approach sometime to tell them my concern that someone may have collapsed in the toilet. Maybe this is made worse because on some level I know there is no problem.

I go into the cubicle next door and bend down mindful of course not to come in contact with the floor or toilet whist doing so. More anxiety due to OCD contamination fears and again one anxiety is set against another. I can't see anyone on the floor which although I cannot see the entire floor space it would be obvious if there was someone collapsed on the floor. But because I can't see the entire floor there is doubt. Fortunately there is no one else in the toilets. So I bend down again in front of the door this time anxious should someone else come in and wonder what on earth I am doing. No, still there is no sigh of anyone having collapsed but again because I can't see every square inch of the floor still there is doubt. I am still not satisfied but continue with my shopping and visit to the library. I mention this to my husband who immediately again without hesitation he simply says, "the toilet is out of order." Before returning home I check again and as the first time I am lucky and there is no one else in the toilet. Crouching down as low as I can get without getting either myself or my clothes in contact with the floor, the situation is the same. I am no better off, and because I still cannot see the entire floor the situation remains in doubt. But somehow I have to tear myself away trying to tell myself that if the toilets are inspected as is claimed than if anyone is in dire straits this will be noticed. However I imagine that whoever checks out the toilets will just think that the cubicle is out of order, so the thoughts continue.  Why the hell cannot they put on the door an out of order sign. 

I hoped that by putting some distance between myself and the situation as we return home the anxiety will fade. But of course someone can be contacted by telephone virtually anytime, as the theatre patrons use this toilet there will be at least someone to contact right up until midnight. So no relief from anxiety by there being no action I can take for many hours. I did resist the compulsion to telephone to check if the toilet was out of order and I would like to say that this was due to my resolve and determination not allow OCD to torment me with these thoughts which my common sense knew where unfounded. But fortunately my focus became centred on other anxieties and my increasingly poor memory obliterated this thought and compulsions as others took their place,  whether a good thing or not somehow with time this anxiety faded. Furthermore it was also a case of one anxiety cancelling out another; fear of the social interaction involved with telephoning cancelling out the hyper delusional over responsibility thoughts but not without anxiety and feelings of guilt and fears of some ill fortune befalling me as a consequence.

Was this a case of over responsibility? No not if someone had been in trouble but clearly now in hindsight this was not the case and this is where the over responsibility OCD gets complicated, not only do we see everything  as our responsibly to rectify we also may imagine or perceive problems which in reality do not exist.

OCD is a complex condtion and often obsessions and compulsions contradict one another and the addition of other
co morbid condtions complicate matters even further and your life becomes one round of wearying and  complex thinking resulting in extreme anxiety, indecision, frustration and hopelessness. Sometimes you really do not know what is your normal rational thinking, what is normal and what arises from your OCD. It is a fact that many people place little or no responsibility for anything leaving it to the elusive "they" whose responsibility it appears is to do anything and everything. Oh I wish at times was one of these fortunate people .

March 19th.

"It' nice in here". remarked  one elderly lady to her friend, "but its so quiet". "Usually its more crowded than this and it in fact can be very noisy at times" replied her companion. I wondered why this person saw the quiet as a problem, a downside to this very pleasant tea room where the service is good, the people friendly and accommodating and the prices and portions more than reasonable. Surely it is a pleasing change to find some peace, where there is no racket from music in the background, and on this occasion, no background of chatter and the general cacophony of a crowded cafe. Indeed like any other catering establishment on many occasions even without the music it can get noisy when it is crowded. Last time it was so, a young women with a loud voice who did not care who was privy to her conversation, a group of people laughing, children crying the usual sounds which although cannot be avoided do nonetheless irritate my sensitive disposition. So it was a pleasant change to sit here in this relative quiet during the after lunch time lull.

Why do people nowadays seem uncomfortable without noise in quiet and uncrowned places. As I say this was not a young person who might really not appreciate this kind of setting anyway, but an elderly lady.

We were in our favourite tea room yesterday in the Yorkshire dales for a much welcomed cup of coffee and a plate of chips after a long walk.  This was now the longest walk I had completed in years. It was a relatively good day concerning my physical problems; my bladder was reasonable not the usual extreme feeling of urgency due to anxiety, like wise no IBS and no headaches although I was weary and with my aching joints and it was a struggle ascending the narrow meandering path which led up the hill. We had been here before and had got a fairly reasonable distance but this time I wanted to explore further.

Naturally OCD does not take a day off or even an hour or offer any real respite and peace ever. I am anxious at every sound looking this way and that for the approach of a dog. I see people coming in the distance, I look with anxious concern should they be accompanied by a dog. My relief that they are not is considerable. I am anxious because it seems that more than usual there's more animal droppings, sheep and rabbit's mostly in the fields through which the foot path eventually passes. The wind is cold, biting as we ascend and I worry should the cold I feel on my head bring about a severe tension headace or migraine. I would like to have gone further but was anxious because of this possibilty, nevertheless we went much further than on the previous occasion. But always here is anxiety. We stop to look at lambs in a field, delightful tiny creatures, wobbly little black legs, absolutely adorable. Mum turns our way and frantically bleats as we take photographs but after a while realising we mean no harm she ignore us even allowing her lambs to get quite close to the wall. The battery in the camera runs out, we have no replacement, our son often uses them for his I pod. I do get irritated by this as both here and elsewhere we had good opportunity to have taken some really close up photographs. Another couple pass by my heart is in my mouth until it is clear they do not have a dog. But than there is that social interaction as walkers often simply say hi to one another and pass the time of day, the odd comment about the weather perhaps. I wanted to say come look at these adorable creatures but could not bring myself to do so because of social anxiety knowing that I will become tongue-tied and get all my words muddled up. Besides they must surely have seem them I would imagine, but they show no interests and pass on with a friendly hello and yes the usual comment about the weather. Sometimes I forget that many people see sheep and other farm animals as meat, but surely not to feel something seems to me strange, even if only a sense of astonishment and wonder or even just the cute factor. I cannot understand how people can see these tiny little creatures and go to the many tea rooms, pubs and cafe's and sit down to a meal of local lamb.

It was an exhausting walk and we turned back but we had gone further along than on previous occasions. We than went for a walk along the river which was more anxiety provoking as here dogs are more likely as there is no direct access to sheep. But it  was pleasant nonetheless despite my trepidation

I have to be realistic. I am never going to have the perfect day.  I have OCD and a number of other conditions and somehow I have to accept that no day will be without problems, but in comparison to other days it was a good day. After the walk we sat and read for a while and stopped to admire more adorable lambs, the tiniest of creatures, they cannot be very old and both my husband and I worry becasue of the bitter cold wind and the threat of snow at the weekend.  Neither of us can understand why the farmer leaves these vulnerable creatures out in the dreadful cold, it appears to us that most farmers are heartless and it is beyond my comprehension how anyone cannot feel compassion for these gentle placid animals.

On the way home I thought to myself that the day was reasonable, there were few problems in comparison to most similar days out and I tell myself that I have to accept whatever small token of normality or pleasure I can get even if it is only in segments of  a couple of hours here and there interspersed with the usual miseries of my existence. Often most days there is little or no respite from the misery and this morning I have to contend with paint on my coat, the one I wore yesterday, my walking coat; wind proof, water proof and warm. The coat I cannot afford to replace which somehow yesterday, unbeknown to me until we arrived home, had picked up some blue stuff, paint my logic tells me but which my OCD says is something toxic.  I wash it but doubt if I can ever wear it again, the stain cannot be removed  and even if it is common household paint I will be too afraid should even one molecule fall off and contaminate the countryside I so love and the creatures which live there. So more problems and anxiety and this morning I have had to wash other  clothes because my husband put this coat to dry in contact with the rest of my washing. Yes indeed no day is ever problem free with OCD or any of the other maladies from which I suffer and the best I can do is try to appreciate the odd respite throughout the day as I did yesterday.

Here are a few of the pictures we did mange to take, they are not particualry good but sadly all we could take before the batteries went flat.

March 20th

This morning I received a  news letter from The Humane Society International concerning the Canadian seal hunt requesting the signing of a petition urging the European Union to ban seal products.

"Right now, the European Commission is considering proposing a ban on seal product trade in the European Union -- a move many believe could spell the end of commercial seal hunting globally. We need people all over the world to sign our petition urging the EU to ban its trade in all seal products now."

BanSealTrade org petition

This is petition can be completed by anyone anywhere in the world.

"International opinion matters on the proposal to ban seal products, so anyone living anywhere can sign our petition. Tell the world you want an end to seal product trade!" 

if you feel as outraged by this dreadful atrocity as am I, please take the time to sign this petition.

March 21st

March 22nd

We stand, as it were, on the shore, and see multitudes of our fellow beings struggling in the water, stretching forth their arms, sinking, drowning, and we are powerless to assist them.

Felix Adler

Its only the second day of spring, its 4.45am a blizzard is raging, its bitterly cold.  I worry about those tiny lambs in the Dales and elsewhere exposed to the elements and just hope they have been moved to shelter. Sometimes the world seems a hostile place and despite our modernity it is a struggle against adversity. However our modern comforts and technological progress are of course available to only a minority of the world's population and often as a result of the exploitation of other people who have to struggle to eke out a basic existence. We were watching the new US TV series Dirty Sexy Money and one of the characters, can't recall names just yet as it takes me a while to work out who is who because of the trouble I have recognising faces, but the lawyer for the wealthy family said to one of its less functional members, that for most of the world's population life is a living hell. And guess what... I couldn't agree more, although this TV series is a comedy, certainly not to be taken too seriously, that statement in my opinion is so accurate a description of life for so many people and also for every other creature that draws breath. Even the rich and famous as we know do not go through life unscathed and suffering touches all, the rich however suffer in more comfort and are more able to do something about certain aspects of suffering but for most suffering is a day to day occurrence, an hour to hour, a minute to minute struggle, often with no solution or comfort,  not only for man, as of course all creatures suffer. 

I don't' wish to compare my own suffering with the appalling suffering that many people endure in war torn countries or where mass starvation is a day to day occurrence as there really is no comparison, and besides comparisons never make you feel better but compound your own suffering. For me impersonally the suffering of others enhances my own. In this modern world where the suffering of others is presented to us each and everyday on TV, radio, the internet and so on we are constantly aware of the struggle for existence, for health, for happiness and simply the right to live that many people endure day in and day out, and you would have to be a cold uncaring person for this not to have some effect. I think however that those of us who are depressed are probably more sensitive to universal suffering, and in one way or another the suffering of this world and it beings is on my mind on some level of awareness even when my mind is occupied, even when it is in the throes of OCD thoughts and behaviours, which although present seemingly in a continuous stream of thoughts are nonetheless accompanied or interspersed with feelings and thoughts of this world's creatures and their suffering.

I think ones own suffering makes one perhaps more aware of the suffering of others even if their suffering is not the same and in many instances much worse. I can only imagine of course the despair of others as one can never really know what it feels like to be in the place of another, to know what it is like to experience the world through the eyes of another person. I think if this where possible there would perhaps be more compassion in the world, less selfishness, less greed, less exploitation, more tolerance, more understanding and more willingness to care for the world and its resources without exploitation of the planet, as we have done with the disastrous consequence of global warming, or exploitation other people and other creatures.

I wish I could get on with my life and set aside these feelings, at least their extreme aspect but depression is a constant companion. Not that I wish to be uncaring of course, but not so caring to the extent which allows universal suffering to render me even more depressed and as a consequence little able to do anything however small to alleviate such suffering. Depression of course effects people in different ways, many become less aware of the suffering of others locked in their own nightmare world of misery, a depression that is so black that the sufferer loses compassion for himself or concern even for his own welfare. Yes my depression and the depression of many people particualry those with a mental health problem is in part due to a genetic predisposition but there is also depression as a result of circumstances and awareness of the misery of existence not only for oneself but countless others. In a loving caring world where no one harms another person or an animal - no more breeding and slaughtering of other sentient beings - all men working for the common good, not exploiting the world resources for the comfort and convenience of the greedy few at the expense of the majority, I think that life even for those who are chronically depressed or who suffer in anyway would as a consequence be less of a burden to endure.

March 23rd

Its Easter Sunday. Here in the UK, at least in the Northeast, it is a white Easter, it looks and feels more like Christmas at least the old fashioned Christmases when it snowed. Easter has come early this year, the earliest in nearly a century. Its been bitterly cold with gale force winds. In Whitby and other coastal towns the wind and  waves have been so strong that people where advised to keep away from the beaches, mind you who would wish to visit the beach in this weather of course. Not good weather for a spring holiday is it.

Why is the Easter holiday flexible, a good explanation can be found in the Greenwich post   Easter holiday marches in early

I think now its time there was a set time for Easter possibly a weekend in mid April, the present arrangement is a ridiculous anachronism and it is time it was done away with.  From the point of view of people who have to work and who get so little free time nowadays it must be a disappointment to find instead of a spring holiday it feels more like a winter one.

I feel sorry for the little newborn lambs and again this concern haunts me and it is my first thought when I woke in the night with a thumping headache and noticed it was snowing and settling. Not a huge accumulation here of course but in the hills such as the Yorkshire and Durham Dales and the Yorkshire moors I would imagine that accumulations are considerable. Its not just sheep of course many people leave horses exposed to the weather and of course cattle and than their is that poor dog I wrote about before for who it seems the RSPCA can do little to alter his circumstances and today he is most likely outside in his makeshift kennel in this bitter cold. Just because you are helpless to do anything does not mean you can easily set such concerns aside.

I have another petition which I hope you will consider signing concerning the dreadful occurrences in Tibet. It is petition to the Olympic committee.

From a recent Care 2 Newsletter:

"The Beijing Summer Olympics are only a few months away, but that hasn't stopped China from cracking down on Tibetan protesters, causing the death of around 100 people, while hundreds continue to be shot at, beaten up and detained by China's security forces.

The protesters' grievances should not be addressed through the use of force, but with an open and peaceful dialogue. Freedom of expression is a basic human right that should be respected and not punished with violence.

Please sign this petition to the Olympic Games Officials and the United Nations to make sure help is on the way for the people of Tibet!

Sometimes we can feel so helpless against the onslaught of misery that is abroad in the world for both man and animal but at least by signing a petition we can make our voice heard, an opportunity to express outrage at the situation in Tibet.

For more information about the situation in Tibet and other action you can take please visit :

The Tibet Society and The Tibet Relief Fund of the UK

Tibet is an independent nation, with a different culture, a unique way of life. Tibetans are normally a peaceful people. They where invaded by the Chinese in 1949 and have become a minority in their own country with many freedoms, which we in the west take for ranted, taken away from them.