June 1st

Our treatment of animals will someday be considered barbarous. There cannot be perfect civilisation until man realises that the rights of every living creature are as sacred as his own.
Dr David Starr Jordan

Here we are on this beautiful day travelling through the picturesque scenery in the north of Yorkshire and I know I will never ever be happy I know that I will never truly appreciate the splendid scenery, the warmth of the sun or anything. I think as you get older with OCD if you have never succeeded in coping with it, it becomes more pervasive, unimpeded it can become entrenched in every facet of your life and you are either involved in an OCD rumination, an intrusive thought, an obsession or you are carrying out a compulsion for most of you waking life and even at times OCD enters your dreams and you find yourself embroiled in OCD thinking notwithstanding its more surreal perspective. (At least this is my experience at the present time. It most likely may not be yours as treatment for OCD has improved) After so many years you see the world though the darkness of OCD tainted glasses. Deep inside on some level you know that some happiness is there, the potential is there if you like, even if only temporarily and of short duration as for instance during this trip out. You can feel this happiness trying to break through like a bubble struggling to rise to the surface smothered by years of negativity and depression.

We arrive at an ancient church on our way to the ruined abbey of Kirkham Priory our ultimate destination. This trip is mostly for my son to visit old churches in the many picturesque villages in the area. My son likes old churches, not from any religious need, he simply is interested in the history and the architecture. Because of religious OCD churches and I do not mix. Particularly old churches, cathedrals are easier, in fact I find them peaceful. Why this strange inconsistency, I have no idea. We park near the church down a country lane lined with tall trees, the leaves are rustling in the wind, the birds are singing, it is pure tranquillity not a sound of man's intrusion with his machines for just about everything which often destroy the peace of a day in the country. Even in such places as the Yorkshire Dales the peace of nature can be interrupted by low flying RAF jets, the hum of what I assume is farming equipment and the noise of cars driving at crazy speeds along the twisting country lanes, but here is pure serenity and if only I could keep still and sit and just be here in this place I might find a little peace for a while. But no my mind as it invariable is, is constantly agitated filled with thoughts, anxieties of one form or another. It’s racing agitation is never still, although now writing here the thoughts cannot be recalled. I know I was anxious the entire day about a frightening increase in my migraine; five doses of medication in five days the last dose this morning for a severe tension headache which I thought was migraine and I took my medication and now I am afraid should the real thing turn up. I rarely do this but today I felt under so much pressure to be well. I am of course reminded of my own mortality in these old churches surrounded with green moss and ivy covered grave stones but my mind turns to such morbid consideration for a good proportion of the time anyway.

In a nearby field sheep are grazing. the lambs are really growing now and my mind turns to the dreadful fate that awaits these tiny innocent creatures, in only a month or so’s time they are rounded up taken from their mothers and Slaughtered. I am sorry if this upsets anyone but it sure upsets me and behind the facade of tranquillity there is the reality of what I consider a now unnecessary evil.

We stop at several similar churches but none in such a quiet setting. I am constantly in a state of agitation, my son takes ages to take a photograph or look round seeming not want not to miss a thing. I am always this way though finding it difficult to keep still, wanting to be on the move. I am anxious all of the time. Because of my medical conditions borne I am told from my anxiety I need to always be looking for a toilet and this adds to my stress considerably as in many tiny villages there are no faculties. My husband and son seem oblivious to my difficulties and have somehow learned to tune out to my constant complaining although my son notices my rather solemn and often angst ridden demeanour and tells me not to look so autistic. If no one else believes I have AS my son does, perhaps it is the take one to know method of diagnosis. This remark does not imply that people with autism look different from anyone else rather it is his way of saying I look depressed and stressed he associating this state with Asperger syndrome AS rather than OCD because I guess he is more familiar with this as he has this condition, which on its own has OCD like tenancies; anxiety and depression is experienced by many on the autism spectrum. However he does not understand what it is like to have full blown OCD.

Finally we arrive at Kirkham Priory. English Priories - Kirkham Priory  The abbeys and priories we visit are truly delightful places, usually in remote peaceful settings with a river which flows nearby which would have supplied the priory with water. There is not a lot remaining of the priory which like all the others fell to ruin after the dissolution. The house across from the entrance looks as though it is made of stones taken from the ruins which happened of course in times past until these places where taken into care and persevered by English heritage and similar organisations interested in preserving our past. There are few other visitors and that is the way I like it, crowds of people I cannot cope with. Dogs are allowed on a lead but this is still somewhat anxiety provoking with the leads that stretch so far and I have to keep an eye open. One women with her dog seem to appear everywhere we go as we make our way though the ruins, sit on the seats and admire the views over the picturesque landscape. A rail track passes by and trains are fairly frequent, it amazes my son when I remark I like the sound of trains the Clickity-Clack is soothing . Yes noise is a discriminatory nuisance, some noises that would bother others do not disturb me at all, such is the case with the train which passes through every fifteen minutes or so.

We walk down to the river which lies outside the boundaries of the priory so here dogs can of course be unleashed and I am anxious all the time. If there was just one OCD presentation I could get rid of it would be this obsession with dogs and rabies. I have tried in the past as you will read in my memoir but this obsession remains as steadfast as ever. It appears but one small thing in a sea of so many neurotic behaviours but it is a huge and pervasive aspect of my OCD, it is all encompassing. So many people own a dog, dogs are everywhere you go particularly in the countryside and even in the Dales where there are sheep you will come across an unleashed dog from time to time, and even if I do not come across a dog the entire day the anticipation is there, I can never relax I am ways looking over my shoulder surveying the  scene. And this is the case to day as we stand on the river back thinking to follow the path for a while, in the distance crossing the bridge I see a couple with two greyhounds you can tell their intent is to take a walk by the river. I make a disparaging remark about the owners and we hasten back to the gate hoping to get through before they do, only to meet them there. Fortunately the dogs are on a leads, the people seem friendly although it is difficult to be sociable when you are angst, cross and angry despite the unreasonableness of my motivation for such negative emotions. I am angry that not for one moment can I have peace from other people’s dogs. It does have to be said that people simply do not understand that not everyone wishes the attention of their dog for various reasons. I have had many altercations with thoughtless dog owners whom it seems are not able or willing to control their dogs and have most likely never attempted to do so. Most dogs do not bother you if you do not look at them but just occasionally the over friendly dog will come bounding up, the owner never calling it back despite the obvious fact that you do not appreciate its attentions.

Later into the day another problem with a dog marred the enjoyment of a stop off for a drink and a plate of chips at a rather picturesque pub. A large mongrel of some kind was wandering through the pub, most people seemed obvious to its presence, not in the least concerned that on premises serving food it should not have been there in the first place. You know with a little consideration such as respecting other people’s right to sit and enjoy a meal or walk in the countryside without fear of being pestered by other people’s dogs would make life better for all concerned. Yes it has to be said that without the OCD I most likely would have patted the dog and thought little about the law concerning hygiene in premises which serve food, after all the dog is not in contact with the food. However I do have OCD, moreover there are many people who have allergies and would not care to be confined in close proximity with a dog who was wandering at will, had it been on a lead I may well have coped much better. However I do not like seeing any animal constantly restrained by a lead or cage or other impediment to its natural wish to be free and I do not believe we have the right to use animals in his way for our pleasure. Animals have their own life, their own existence, they are not there for our comfort or convenience to be dragged through shopping centres, in pubs, left in cars during hot weather, left in he rain outside shops or whatever. Or in the case of horses made to pull carts, run races and so on. Cats are an entirely different matter they have their independence. I know that now there is really no turning back and nothing will ever be any different. Nonetheless those are my views and these radical views concerning animals would most probably have developed notwithstanding my anxiety about dogs and rabies. Basically I do not believe that you should own an animal as a pet, confine it in a cage, in a zoo, or even in a Safari park althoguh the last these days is often the last safe haven for endangered species. Although I do so understand the attraction of so doing and the need for companionship of an animal which at times can be more desirable than that of many humans I know of. We still have that archaic notion that animals are here for our use despite the fact that few now give credence to the religious beliefs that tell us that animals are here solely for our benefit and that we have domain over them. I am rambling here and getting off the subject but really my original point is people who own dogs never seem to stop and think about the few people who do not.


Recently we were standing looking in a shop window, a women passes by with a dog on a lead, she allows it to approach and sniff at our ankles. I get really angry I tell her I have an allergy and she should be more aware that not everyone likes dogs and she should not allow her dog or rather her dammed dog to just approach people will nilly. She muttered something and I continued shouting at her as she made her way down the street entering a furniture shop with her dog. Incredible! Why do people take dogs shopping? I am sure the dog does not enjoy being dragged around by its neck, left outside shops, possibly trodden on by passers by. I did not feel guilty for my behaviour, I was just too cross, seething with anger and I still am. I always tell people I have an allergy it is easier than saying I really don’t like your dog near me as I think it is contaminated by disease. I mean you can’t say that, people love their dogs as much as some of us love our child and believe it or not I do understand this. I like animals for the most part more than most people I know and that includes dogs and in recent months I have worried about a dog which I think is being mistreated and which I have reported to the RSPCA

I find it incongruous that many people love their dog or their cat yet allow other animals to be abused or slaughtered and than sit down to eat their flesh .

Sorry if this offends but this is a blog about my thoughts and from time to time I will just say how I feel without embellishment or attempts to mitigate. It is not meant to upset anyone after all such is a matter of perspective is it not. I just think that everyone else has the wrong perspective as I imagine that most of us do when we have passionate strong opinions about something. I have radical views concerning animal welfare radical, by the standard of common consensus and have a right to this view. I would like to see a world free from any kind of animal cruelty toward any living creature. I would like to see the slaughter of animals and the eating of  meat abolished we do not now need to eat meat, it a cruel and pointless anachronism.

These photographs are sized for use as desktop wallpaper

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June 2nd

It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us; we can dodge a elephant, but we can't dodge a fly.

Josh Billings

I know that I appear like a dog worrying a bone concerning AS but I do have OCD which most likely means that other than the more obvious manifestation of this disorder, the obsessions and compulsive behaviours, that I will have an obsessive nature. It is in my nature to obsess about things. Not always in a destructive way mind you. This tendency my mother would refer to as a bee in my bonnet. This is a good metaphor and unlike many metaphors it is easily understood, the implication is obvious. Bees buzz round with some determined insistence do they not, they are rather like the OCD thought or the on going obsession, the rumination, such as an idea that occupies the mind and will not go away until it is resolved kind of an obsession. Most ruminations can never be resolved such as a few favourites of mine: the meaning of life and the origins of existence to name just  two which have taken a back seat right now in favour of the AS ruminations, although they are by no means absent and my mind turns to such matters automatically in-between the complex mix of other OCD thinking. I hasten to add here it is I believe an AS characteristic to ruminate or consider to a significant extent this type of existential or philosophical questions. Ruminations can of course be more troublesome worries, the kind of worry that is often excessive and eats away at you, this kind of thing is more a general anxiety. Some of you might be thinking that the bee in the bonnet expression would apply to my continual reference to the notion that I may have AS. And indeed you would be right this is an enormous bee, a huge and persistent obsession.

I know is it an obsession, I recognise this even though I honestly think that AS is a possibility and it is something I will never rest easy about until I have an official diagnosis or otherwise. The fact that this is an obsession does not diminish the possibility that I may have AS, neither does it make my idea idiotic or neurotic this is not that kind of obsession. Unlike many of my obsessions it is a fixation about something which may be founded upon reality nonetheless my obsessive preoccupation with it might be considered to be excessive and therefore it too can become part of the condtion of OCD as indeed can anything else.

Yes such obsessions can be annoying to others no matter what the subject if you yourself are not interested and I think that perhaps some of you here may be bored by all this, irritated and so on. Nonetheless my consideration is valid and this obsessing should not be regarded in quite the way that my obsessing about whether or not I am contaminated. Yes it does bring some unhappiness but that is due to my frustration that I cannot get a diagnosis and this is normal. There are many people with this exact same problem, maybe they do not obsess about it quite as much nonetheless they, like me, can become depressed, angry, frustrated and so on because they are unable to resolve this issue. The bee in the bonnet obsessive persistence may diminish with time if a diagnosis becomes less and less possible. It will of course vanish in its entirety if I did get an assessment and the result was either positive or negative (the result doesn't matter it is the not knowing, although by this time I would feel rather let down if the result was negative for reasons difficult to define), after which another bee would start buzzing around in my bonnet, it would not necessarily be anything to do with conditions, disorders or the like, it could be about anything.

It might be some thing more like an interest which is normally the case with this type of obsession which involves me in extensive reading and is pursued above or instead of all other interests. For instance this website is pursued with obsessive zeal to the point that I feel uncomfortable even depressed if I have not done something towards its maintenance and creation. For instance today is a glorious day, we were out in the local university's botanical gardens after which we came home to sit in the yard, but the restless urge to be doing something useful, which my son refers to as "the call of the computer ", overcame me and here I now sitting typing this but conversely feeling uncomfortable because I am now missing the lovely sunshine. There is no satisfaction in your life when you have OCD you are often torn between one thing and another and the driving obsessions usually win. Even those that do not generate anxiety in the same way that say ruminating about death would do, but leave you nonetheless feeling uncomfortable unfulfilled and at the end of the day dissatisfied.

I would of course most likely retain an interest in AS and autism because of my son who has AS. Incidentally this kind of obsessive preoccupation which brings about some pleasure is referred to as a preservation in autistic terminology - but of course I have told you this before many times no doubt in my incessant rambles concerning the whole subject of autism. Yes even if the preservation concerns the condition itself it is still a preservation nonetheless if you gain some pleasure and I guess I do - well at least I have some interest in the condtion itself. I read on a forum of an Aspie whose preservation was his Asperger syndrome.

How many of us obsess about OCD, a good number I would imagine and in a perverse way it can become an interest despite the profound misery it brings to your life. You read everything there is to read, you visit every website, you become obsessed with having OCD.

Concerning my interest and obsession with AS there is of course some unhappiness involved with this so perhaps in a way it is strictly speaking more of an obsession that a perseveration, in fact as I write I am now quite depressed whenever I think about the frustration and unfairness . After all who is to decide if it is worth giving you an asessment, who has the right. I guess if you yourself cannot pay for the assessment than like everything else in life you have no rights at all.  Someone I know of but do not know personally went to his doctor to ask about a diagnosis and was told that because he appeared to  function as a student that it really did not matter one way or the other and a diagnosis was not necessary. I do not believe anyone but the person concerned can decide if he would benefit. Sometimes it has nothing to do with either getting services, which don't exist or getting therapy or whatever it simply is that you just need to know as the outcome could answer a lot of questions concerning your life and the course it has taken. I am unlikely now to get a diagnosis with the NHS and I am unable to pay the ludicrous amount of £1000 to £1500 recently quoted to me. I may ask my doctor again I have the feeling she may help if possible but I feel uncomfortable doing so.  I guess somehow I will have to accept I will not get an assessment. I now feel too weary and depressed to pursue the matter further.  I would just like to say that if health professionals where not paid ludicrous amounts of money for a relatively simple assessment such might be available to more people.

Regardless of an official diagnosis I have with almost certainty come to the conclusion that I have at least significant autistic traits and that most of us with OCD have also and I strongly consider that there is a connection between OCD and autism. Sometimes autism is included in the OCD spectrum but not often and there are few references concerning a direct relationship although in questionnaires to ascertain the presence of AS or other ASD the question is asked concerning relatives who have OCD. Which implies a connection does it not.

I also am of the opinion that I have ADD and indeed this was the intended subject of this post but I as usual got side tracked. My writing often just flows one thing leads to another and often it leads to paths that I had not intended to tread. I guess this particular tangent led from the thought I had that you may heave a sign and say that I was probably going to babble on and on about ADD the way I have pretty much done about AS. However the idea is for me to share my inner most thoughts and this is where my thoughts are leading me right now, but his type of ruminative thinking involves  considerations that all  people have from time to time but which I rather obsess about, preserverate upon. It is of course quite possible to have OCD, AS, ADD and indeed anything that life has thrown at you or rather you are unfortunately genetically programmed with - I do not imply there is a programmer I must not be led of onto another path here and enter the realms of religious or existential speculation. My thoughts are only too easily led down those paths

All conditions need to be identified to be treated and often this fails to happen. Treatment cannot be the same for everyone and needs to be tailored to fit as multiple disorders make these conditions different. Most people with an anxiety disorder will have more than just one. There may well be one primary condition and several co morbid conditions or there may be two or even three primary or duel conditions. Some people may have psychotic illness as well, they may have bipolar disorder or even schizophrenia. As far as I am aware you can have any combination of neurological, psychological, neurotic or psychotic conditions. My sister had agoraphobia, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, hypochondria and anorexia nervosa. Most anxiety disorder sufferers will present with hypochondria it is probably the most common of co existing disorders but which of course exists in its own right. You need to be aware of all these conditions and the overall effect they have one with another. I would like to hear from anyone who has multiple disorders. I would like to hear from anyone with any of the condtions included in this website the more we share our experiences the more understanding will prevail. Soon I will have been on-line three years and so far no one has sent in an account of their disorder. So please write to me and share you experiences. You can remain anonymous.

To lighten the mood here are a couple of photographs taken earlier whist we where out in the sunshine.

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June 3rd

Again I made a mistake on my website in my drawings page where I have linked the headings  rather than the thumb nail of the drawing which I usually do so that a larger version may be accessed. Okay its not that big a deal but as the older thumb nails where used to access the larger graphics it is for anyone navigating this page rather confusing. For me  personally it is distressing, firstly because it is unsettling that I did not notice this despite the considerable amount of checking that takes place before I publish anything. It is as though my brain simply does not register these errors and they are only discovered often months and months later quite by accident when I am either adding new material on the webpage or simply checking through the entire website as I do from time to time. Why I did not realise this  when I first published them I do not know because right at the top is my own notification in bright red that the links to the larger graphics can be accessed by clicking on the thumb nails. 

Secondly it upsets me because I hate my own imperfection. I am a scatter brain I know, my attention is difficult to focus and it is though I zone out and part of my brain switches off and such mistakes go unnoticed. I happened to see this yesterday about five minutes before we were due to go out. I struggled to rectify this but creating or in this case correcting web pages is enormously time consuming and things invariably go wrong as they inevitably did. So I had to leave it overnight and reassure myself by telling myself that it had been this way for several months and another night will not make much difference. Not a lot of people visit this part of the website anyway which is sad, but we do have this self destructive tendency do we not to focus our attention on the negatives rather than the positives and more traffic to my website is too the pages about the condtions featured here. Which is great of course but just now and again we do need though to think of other things and that is one of the reasons I came up with the idea to include creativity in the theme of the website rather than just making it about OCD and so on. Also I wanted to display my sister's patchwork and this also lead to the idea to create a website where sufferers can exhibit their talents, focus on  the positives rather than he negatives.

Most of us have some talent or ability even if we do not realise this. But if you do not I would like to hear about your interests instead. I would like to start a new section featuring the interests of sufferers of the disorders included on this website. It is another positive to focus upon. Now I do not wish to start a page and find that the only contributor is myself so until at least one perosn writes in about his or her interest I am hesitant to begin yet another page which no one will contribute to. You can have any interest or  hobby included such as gardening, collecting, crafts, whatever, you can  show us photos if appropriate of your garden, your collection, and such like with an explanation about your interest or hobby. If you like reading for instance you could tell us about the books you like to read, give a synopsis of your favourites.

We can get so bogged down with our difficult lives and there are times when OCD interferes with ones hobbies and interests as it does with every aspect of our existence. For instance reading for me is difficult because of a superstitious obsession with a certain numebr, which I have explained elsewhere in my blog, memoir  and short story, but somehow albeit with frustrating difficulty I continue to read as best I can. There was a time during a particularly severe period of OCD that I could do nothing at all and this of course can happen so I do understand that for some of us there may be a time when any interest is impossible but if you are able to pursue some interest or hobby please share it will others. But do not feel bad if for some reason this is impossible. OCD is a bizarre and unpredictable condtion no two of us present alike. Moreover it morphs throughout you life; sometimes you can do a certain things with only mild interruption from your OCD and than the OCD morphs and suddenly what you once did now seems impossible. So it is never a good idea to compare oneself with others thinking that another sufferer's OCD cannot be as bad if he is able to participate in something that at this time you cannot do. For instance it once amazed me that OCD sufferers could own a dog. I found this unimaginable but of course we are all incredibly different and because I have this OCD problem with dogs and rabies does not mean that others will even though they have the same disorder, such ideas and intrusive thoughts it would seem do not present to other sufferers who own dogs. I envy them but this is a useless emotion because the dog owning OCDer probably has a manifestation of OCD that for me brings no problem at all. So we are all different and we should never judge another sufferer's condtion or compare it to our own. So there will be times  when you might not be able to participate in your interests so please no one feel inadequate if you cannot at this time pursue your hobbies or talents. Things will change.  Maybe like me your OCD will remain intractable, although I think that this is unusual these days with better medication and therapy, there will come a time when OCD will shift its main focus elsewhere and once again you may be able to return to your pass-time as was the case for me when the focus of my OCD became less intense in a certain area having shifted its attention elsewhere. Not much comfort I know but at least we can return to things that where once impossible even though trouble is brewing elsewhere. 

Few people seem to write to me to send into their stories or art or even just to say hi. You can comment on my blog the same as you can on a blog which is hosted by a blog host. The only difference is that your comments will not appear unless you ask me specifically to publish your comments. Your name will only appear if you ask me to include it. The people whose names are included on the website have given me permission to do so. I will not publish your name unless I have your permission and I never publish your e-mail address. I know people are anxious about giving their e-mail address to others on the net but this of course happens whenever you send an e-mail. I used to worry about
e-mail but I can assure you all that your e-mail address with not be given to anyone else. There is only me sitting here in the small wee hours of the morning driven from my bed by aches and pains, depression and the insistent intrusions of OCD and all manner of morbid depressing and anxiety ridden thoughts, there is no organisation collecting e-mail for unscrupulous purposes :-) So please feel free to e-mail me, everything is in strictest confidence. Just click on the comments link and write an e-mail. I am sorry that I cannot provide an on-in form to fill in I did try but it would be difficult and time consuming, a huge hassle sorting it all out with my website host.  If you wish your comments included please state this clearly and in any case I will never include anything even after you have requested this without checking a few times first that it is okay to do so. And I will remove anything you send whether it is accounts of your experiences, art, or comments on this blog as soon as possible if you change your mind after publication.

In time I might move this blog to a proper blog host as it would be easier for people to comment however I am rather anxious to do this for number of reasons but it is something I am considering.  I am also considering changing the long winded name of this website although I am not sure if this is possible. My website is difficult to find and I suspect most people only stubble across it from link pages of other websites, it does not appear anywhere near high in the search engine results which I suspect is due to the name which is too long and vague but at the time I could think of nothing else and had to pick something. I need a name which includes all anxiety disorders and a connection to creativity.  So suggestions would be welcome the name has to include all anxiety disorders not just OCD and make some connection to creativity. At some point I may also include a section on autism, particualry Aspergers although that might be a bit ambitious, sometimes I think I bite off more than I can chew and I worry about the accuracy of articles on this website. Not easy to find a short name I know. Of course I might not be able to change the name if it presents a huge problem . I renew my domain name in October so I have until than to find out how feasible this is. Although really I need to decide before than as I will need to notify people of the change.  My son has said he has never heard of a website changing its name so I might be stuck with it as it is.

Well as usual I have meandered off the path again and left the original subject way behind. What I was going to say is: please, if anyone sees these mistakes do let me know.

June 4th

The reason that I bought up ADD is that just lately like everything else this is become more of a problem. It is quite common to suffer with ADD in addition to OCD despite its somewhat incongruity: the OCDer a perfectionist while the ADDer is unorganised. The two characteristics do not appear to go together do they. However OCD perfectionism does not necessary imply that the sufferer’s perfectionism applies to all areas of his life. Quite the contrary in fact, mostly perfectionism tends to centre around particular areas such as for me my website, anything I write and my art work that kind of thing. However when it comes to the more boring and mundane my perfectionist tendencies take a back seat. Mostly in my life, in the routine day to day existence I live in a chaotic muddle both environmentally and within; my mind is a chaotic maelstrom of disorganisation concerning my attempts to bring order to the confusion of my life. I cannot get anything organised no matter how hard I try, I cannot even organise my thoughts to bring about some order out of the chaos.

My home is a dreadful muddle, my kitchen may be clean but it is jumbled, food is shoved into cupboards after shopping, there is no categorisation, no special place for things and when something needs to be found you can more often than not hear my angst cry of irritation, which my son refers to as bleating, as whatever it is impossible to find in the clutter of chaos. My filing system in the computer is non existent and you should see the picture folder, the photos are all over the place in an assortment of folders no method at all. When I have made some attempt at organisation it appears to do nothing more than accentuate the chaos. I tried organising my photos into those to be published here on to my website, those that have been published and into categories such as locations and so on. Sounds easy does it not, and in theory yes it is and if I was able to actually do this it would work, but somehow I just don't mange to do this. Why this is so is difficult to explain or even to clearly understand myself and express in so many words I do not know. My pictures folder is in such a muddle with duplicate folders; scanned in material such as my artwork; clip art in various stages of editing in confused sometimes forgotten disorganisation, abandoned as I become overwhelmed by the muddle of hopeless chaos - well its a long story and I can never explain how difficult this is and if you do not have problems with organisation you will never understand.

My mind like wise is a complete muddle of disorganised ideas particularly nowadays my writing seems confused chaotic, the first and second entries entry above are particualry obvious examples of this. I have nonetheless published them otherwise nothing would appear here at the present time when it seems my difficulties with writing in one aspect or another are increasing, no matter how I try I cannot get more organised and this is yet another problem that slows me down and is making writing for my blog and indeed for anything else these days rather an ordeal. Yes of course anxiety can make you appear as though you have ADD and your mind can become so weary, so fatigued with all the thoughts, the anxiety and your mind is so consumed by thinking that there is little room or energy for the complex thinking involved in organisation and after a while any aspect of your thinking processes becomes muddled, shambolic. And this could well be the case for me if it where not for other indications which point to the possibility that I have ADD. Yes I can organise if I really put my mind to it but it takes an enormous effort and in the past on occasion this effort has been possible but now with an increase in stress this effort is less easy to summon, if you have ADD it too will become worse if you are anxious, under a lot of stress or are depressed.

The symptoms of ADD are usually lumped together with ADHD the hyperactive aspect is usually absent from adult ADD.

Here are the symptoms of ADD without the hyperactive component for the full diagnostic criteria which includes the hyperactive component click DSM IV Criteria of ADHD.

Also from About Com
Adult ADHD - Symptoms and Treatments for Adult ADHD  

Attention Deficit Disorder Association - Adult ADD Resources, Help, Information
 

June 7th

I do not believe what I am hearing, this morning on the local news there is a feature, albeit a short one with few details, which concerns a young man with Aspergers syndrome who has had his  therapy discontinued because he is too intelligent!  Furthermore he was denied treatment because he has no diagnosis for a specific mental health problem! There are apparently two requirements to receive therapy: one is to have learning difficulties, the other is to have a mental health problem. Apparently without a specific mental health problem he is not eligible for therapy. Because he is intelligent it has erroneously been assumed that he does not have a learning disability. Really surely it is common knowledge that people with learning disabilities may be highly intelligent. It is known that people with autism have what is referred to as spikes of ability; people with autism can be very intelligent in some area yet incapable in others. I cannot find further details which is increasingly the case nowadays when looking for information on the net, whether this is due to my inability to navigate my way through all the irrelevant twaddle, the advertising and so on the net remains to be seen. Perhaps there is no information, the news clip itself lasted a couple minutes only.

One thing seems prevalent in mental health care and that is the tendency not to want to categorise patients into diagnostic segments however without a diagnosis many people cannot access support groups, and in the case of the young man with Aspergers may not get the appropriate treatment. Most people on the autism spectrum have some kind of mental health problem, mostly depression and anxiety and this needs a distinct formal diagnosis as indeed it does for anyone. I do not know the details of this case and it is pure conjecture on my part to suggest that therapy was being denied because of a lack of a specific diagnosis concerning his anxiety issues which ironically some mental health professionals are reluctant to give. It was not until I was hospitalised that finally I got a definite diagnosis of OCD. Many people never receive a diagnosis. Someone I have known for years with OCD I suddenly realised may not have received a formal diagnosis simply because she cannot communicate well her difficulties. This is of course not always the case. My son's psychologist was able to assess my son and provide him with a complete diagnosis sending away asessment papers for evaluation and he received a proper detailed assessment for Aspergers syndrome, depression, anxiety with obsessive compulsive behaviours including which tests where carried out for the diagnosis of AS.  He was lucky. It does rather depend on the psychologist, their beliefs and their qualifications. AS is a relatively newly identified condtion and there are probably many psychologists who have not the qualification to carryout an asessment, however in such cases the patient should be referred elsewhere.  An accurate diagnosis is extremely important to some people and the lack of a definite diagnosis to which they can relate can in itself bring about psychological damage. Had my son not received his diagnosis he would have become increasing depressed and frustrated.

A more detailed report at lunch time says that it was the primary care trust which denied this young the therapy which he had been having now for many years and which is required for him in order to cope. Now I am ignorant concerning the nature of Primary Care trusts. Who actually makes the decisions, are these qualified medical practitioners or administrators? I think it is time in any civilised country to give people the treatment they require without discussion or hesitation. To provide everyone with a formal diagnosis for every condition. The UK is a rich country the problem is the wealth is in the hands of the few to the detriment of the many and wasted on such things as the Olympic games, an estimated 9 billion pounds!!!!!,.  Spending nine billion pounds on the Olympic games whilst denying people life saving cancer drugs is an outrage!

June 9th

Finally two days later I find a link to the news story concerning the young man with Aspergers syndrome.

Patients Plight In Tv Spotlight (from York Press)

June 10th

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair.
Edmund Burke

Another spate of migraine finds me frantically searching the net for a solution. After seventeen years of chronic daily headache CDH and migraine I grow increasing anxious, stressed out and depressed. There must be a solution, I am becoming increasingly desperate, but apparently there is not- at least if there is it eludes me. I entered headaches and OCD into the search field and found the following article which I thought some of you may be interested to read. The article concerns research carried out in Taiwan where researchers have come to the conclusion that the majority of people with an anxiety disorders and or depression will go on to suffer with CDH tension headaches and migraine. Of all those who participated in the research 79% had CDH. Now that is a significant percentage is it not, yet apart from one other OCD sufferer I have not come across anyone with an anxiety disorder who has headaches or migraine to the extent that I do. Please remember though that migraine is a serious health condtion it is not a synonym for headaches. The CDH tension type headace all on its own is a nightmare and at times can be very painful, nearly on a par with migraine but not quite, and for some it appears to go hand in hand as many sufferers of migraine also have tension headaches and there are a times when I end up with two headaches at the one time or a tension headaches evolves into migraine. I have medication for migraine for the relief of pain but when they come at three or four in consecutive order it is nonetheless a nightmare and this should not be underestimated. I have no pain relief for a tension headache that can be taken regularly, the detrimental effect these condtions have on an individual is significant particularly for those of us with an anxiety disorder.

Most mornings I wake with either a tension headache or migraine. Sometimes a tension headache will dissipate a while after rising but may return for an hour or so during the day. When this happen I am anxious as in the initial stages it is not possible to know if it is migraine or a tension headache. If it is tension headace, will it be mild or severe. The anxiety is dreadful, particularly if I am a long way from home. Therefore the presence of these condtions are a serious disadvantage to my life and compound my anxiety as the more anxiety that is generated in this area eventually effects other areas and other condtions such as my OCD.

So not only is there a connection between anxiety disorders and headaches but these condtions effect one another as they generate at least for me a kind of cyclic anxiety; the anxiety concerning headaches, or at times outright fear, in turn increases my overall levels of anxiety which than goes on to effect my OCD which further increase the anxiety which certainly does much to accentuate these headaches thus creating a vicious circle. Moreover the presence of headaches impedes any progress one makes concerning OCD. My migraine and headaches are one of the reasons that CBT would have been no easy matter, the likelihood of not being able to make the appointments was certainly a consideration along with the pressure to take medication straight the way because of an appointment before waiting to see which headache was which, which in the long run is certainly not a good idea for reasons I have mentioned before such as a decrease in their effectiveness. So all in all for the anxiety sufferer the addtion of headaches are a significant bane in ones already angst ridden miserable existence. The presence of headache and migraine in an anxiety suffer should never be dismissed or overlooked, the effect of these co existing condtions are a severe detriment in their own right to anyone let alone someone whose life is already difficult.

In addtion to the increase in anxiety CDH and migraine can of course also increase depression. Another vicious circle, the research also suggests that depression also plays a role in CDH and migraine which again generates further depression which goes on to increase both CDH and migraine. It can often get to the stage where one becomes more anxious and stressed out if one is depressed or feels ones anxiety levels rise. You can in fact become increasingly more anxious about being anxious feeling frustrated as it appears that you have no control. In fact the more you are told that your headaches are due to stress and depression the more hopeless you may feel, as of course you are so overwhelmed by these anxiety producing condtions as you feel that you will never rise above it and this can in turn create feelings of inadequacy and guilt feeling as though somehow it is your fault which further accentuates depression and anxiety. So never imply to a headace sufferer that it is all his fault due to anxiety stress or simply all in the mind. Yes I have even had this said to me by a fellow sufferer of anxiety. Migraine is most definitely a neurological condtion although it can be accentuated by stress or so we are told, although personally I am not so sure. For women at any rate migraine can be effected by hormones.

The researchers discovered that the most common condtions to
co exist with CDH where major depression and panic disorder   The researchers theorise that the cause of headaches in sufferers of these condtions is the result of a serotonergeic dysfunction which is also associated with both depression and panic disorder .

"The researchers theorize that the co-occurence of chronic daily headaches with panic disorder may result from the relationship of both conditions with serotonergic dysfuntion." Cathleen Henning Fenton, About Com

Please click the link to read the full article

Anxiety Disorders and Headaches - They frequently go hand-in-hand

So in a way you have little control other than medication if indeed there is a suitable medication, so do not be too hasty to blame yourself for your supposed "inadequacies" . However Jeffrey M Schwartz MD in his Book Brain Lock says we can change the way the chemistry of our brains work by following a four step program which he believes can rewire your brain despite your  predisposition.  I think a similar idea lies behind CBT however it appears that most psychologists do not believe that OCD is genetic or neurological preferring the idea that it is the result of up bring and the effect of life's circumstances, but that is another discussion for another time perhaps.

But this can perhaps all be rather too much for the depressed worn out sufferer burdened with just too much with which to contend.  And it requires a long process of encouragement and understanding to mitigate the complex entanglement of these condtions.

Mind you it occurs to me that if CDH results from the same serotonergic dysfunction that is involved in anxiety disorders and depression why is it that only a percentage of people with these disorders have CDH, it these headaches result from such a cause would not every one with these condtions suffer this way. Clearly there are other factors involved. Most certainly for me a cause of Prozac appeared to increase both my CDH and migraine dramatically and rendered me with virtually a constant headache for three years with a increase in migraine frequency yet others take this and similar medication without these side effects. In fact selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors are prescribed as a prophylactic for migraine. Yet  for some it makes the condtion worse, so for some people it helps for others it does very little.

I have grown weary and discouraged wondering if there can be any cause clearly indicated or any treatment to alleviate these headaches and migraines. it is surely more than enough to contend with OCD and other disorders without migraine and CDH, both of which are dreadful condtions in their own right, all on their own

Do you have CDH and or migraine, how do you cope?  if you would like to share your  story with others please write to me. You can also write to me personally with any ideas that you have, but if you want your story to appear on this website please indicate clearly that this is your intention.

June14th

The only sin that we never forgive in each other is a difference in opinion.
Emerson, Ralph Waldo
 

Warning this will really make you angry. This person is of the erroneous opinion that OCD and ADD are not real condtions and are contrived by the drug companies in order to sell drugs,  an opinion which he it seems has done no research to validate.

YouTube - Savage on ADD and OCD

Below is my response to Mr Savage. It took me ages to fill in the U Tube  registration form because of my problems with ADD, oooops I forgot there is no such thing as ADD according to Mr Savage. I wonder if he would have these uninformed opinions if he spent but one day in my shoes. After finally registering, exhausted and highly irritated only too find that one is allowed but 500 characters to comment, which as those of you know who read my blog and website writings is hopeless for me to express my thoughts and ideas; being concise is not my forte. So I will include my full comments here. In the meantime I am still trying to edit my response to include in U Tube's response section. Who knows perhaps Mr Savage might visit here but I rather think that he does not visit websites which explain these condtions or conducts any research whatsoever otherwise his comments would have been more informed.

Here is my response to Mr Savage's video which I would have liked to have posted to U Tube had space permitted. Five hundred characters I mean what can you say... just five hundred characters, so frustrating

To suggest that OCD and ADD are conditions contrived by drug companies to peddle drugs is not only appallingly uninformed but offensive and damaging. I am a sufferer of both OCD and ADD and can assure you with absolute certainty that after over fifty years of suffering with both OCD and ADD that these conditions do exist. OCD is a devastating life-long condition which pervades every facet of your life. In severe cases the sufferer is not able to pursue an education, a job or in many cases a satisfying relationship. OCD is listed as number eight in the World Health Organisation’s top 10 most debilitating illnesses in terms of the loss of income and decreased quality of life.

The term OCD has only been used since the mid eighties, before which the condition was called Obsessional Neurosis and it has indeed been here far longer than there have been drug companies. Furthermore OCD is a complex condition which involves a huge range of symptoms, not just fears of contamination.

Briefly the most common obsessions include: fears of causing harm to oneself or to others, intrusive violent, sexual or blasphemous thoughts, intrusive disturbing or frightening images, concerns over symmetry and anxieties about throwing things away and the most common presentation, fears over contamination by germs or toxins, to mention just a few. From such intrusive thoughts (obsessions) arise the compulsions such as hand washing, checking, hoarding, repetitive praying or arranging. A person with OCD increasingly feels compelled to repeat these actions, which bring only momentary relief, over and over with increasing frequency until his whole life is dominated by these thoughts and behaviours. The sufferer feels that something bad will happen to himself or others if he does not comply.

The most notable person to have suffered with OCD was of course Howard Hughes. His condition became severe because during his lifetime there was no effective treatment for the disorder. Note of course that Howard Hughes lived long before the drug companies developed Prozac or any of its derivatives.

Further back in time I refer to Sigmund Freud's case study of the Rat man, the Pseudonym given to a patient to protect his identity. The patient presented with obsessive thoughts and compulsions.

The case study was published in 1909, and entitled Notes upon a Case of Obsessional Neurosis’ Freud made the Rat Man’s case a psychoanalysis showpiece, and it is one of the most well known of Freud's case studies.

The famous literary figure Samuel Johnson 1709-1784, the author of the first comprehensive dictionary of the English language was believed to have suffered severely with both OCD and Tourettes syndrome.

Experts believe that John Bunyon the author of Pilgrim's progress suffered from religious/scrupulosity OCD. To appreciate this you only have to read John Bunyon’s autobiography “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners” which clearly describes his experiences with intrusive blasphemous religious thoughts and compulsions.

Socrates, Leonardo da Vinci, Einstein among many others are all thought to have exhibited clear symptoms of ADD.

I agree that psychiatric drugs should not be given to young children. However it is imperative that these conditions are identified as early as possible to facilitate a favourable prognosis. Delay in identifying and treating the condition may lead to intractability in later life. There are other very effective non drug therapies for these conditions such as CBT combined with response prevention methods.

Furthermore there is no evidence to suggest that the taking of psychiatric drugs leads to the use of street drugs. I do agree that drug companies may exploit such conditions solely for profit, nonetheless the fact remains that both of these conditions are real. There is much evidence that points to a genetic causation. The terms OCD and ADD may be new but the conditions have indeed been with us most likely for thousands of years.

June 16th

Last night brought it home to me how difficult it is for people with pure O OCD to get the same recognition that they are suffering just as profoundly as the sufferer who has both the obsessive and the compulsive facets of OCD.

June 17th

Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solitude is the enemy of well-being."

Updike, John

I have just spent at least an hour writing a short e-mail. My obsessing with what I write is increasingly becoming an impediment to my activities on the internet. So much of my time is wasted, consumed by the anxious thoughts that compel checking over and over anything that I write. I have of course explained all this before in some detail and will therefore refrain from doing so all over again now. But what can I do to prevent this obsession and the consequent compulsions from completely destroying my participation on the net? It is a severe hindrance, you cannot even begin to imagine just how much unless you yourself suffer in a similar way, and if you are you are probably just too exhausted by it all to write to me and tell me of your experiences. Yes it is exhausting and depressing. You see your life being wasted, precious time given to these obsessions, these awful anxieties about everything that you write. I imagine I have a learning disorder, at least I am a slow learner, writing in any case does not come naturally although some days it seems easier than others and it just seems to flow. I cannot spell despite trying several times to do so. I was in a special class at school for children with learning difficulties although it was in those days simply called a special class.

However  one of the greatest problems starts right at the beginning before actually typing or writing anything and that is getting my thoughts in order, articulating my thoughts into coherent sentences. This takes an enormous amount of time and would do so even it I did not have OCD to compound the problem as this is an aspect of my communication difficulties. Sometimes the first draught - I have a feeling that is not the correct spelling and means a flow of air - appears okay, than on a second reading I become anxious and tell myself that I should included this or that, or i should perhaps leave out something or that what seemed to make sense now does not. 

Writing can be sheer torture, an explosion of jumbled thoughts, a torment. Conversely the absence of ideas or my inability to convey such ideas is a bane of pure frustration the misery of which is at times beyond words. Claude Monet the famous impressionist painter once said : I am very depressed and deeply disgusted with painting. It is really a continual torture.'

The same could well apply to writing.

And indeed in truth the same can also be said about my own attitude to painting. There are times when I delay, it is as though there is anxiety. If I analyse the nature of the anxiety which leads to procrastination and consequently depression for having procrastinated and wasted my precious time - which is in itself an obsession about the passing of time and not using time
usefully - I will find that the anxiety arises from the fear of making a mistake, of not getting it just so, perfect and of feeling depressed because of my perceived failures in this regard and the effect that such as on my self confidence. And moreover anxiety arises from the overall idea that my life is nothing more than one long continual round of OCD with nothing of anything to mitigate the waste of my life. It is a catch twenty-two situation, a dammed if I do, dammed if I do not scenario. If I abandoned my writing and painting because of these thoughts I would be depressed, tormented by feeling a failure. However conversely if I continue to paint and write I am never satisfied and consequently feel depressed by even the smallest of failures, or depressed and frustrated by the intrusion of OCD or by perfectionism.  Moreover in both of these endeavours I am tormented by doubts concerning my abilities. I do not have the natural talent that my son has, it just flows from him and it is of great sadness to me that he does not fully utilise his ability, but that is another matter which I may discuss another time. What I am trying to say that unlike many people, for me art does not come easy at all, it is at times a dreadful torment of my perfectionist tendencies, fears of making mistakes, lack of creative imagination, obsessions behaviours and many other issues not easy to express in so many words. Often I wonder why I bother, after all what is the point of painting a picture, why do we do this? Many artists see art as a fulfilment, as a purpose for life. Van Gough painted to enhance peoples lives' with his art. Why do I paint? If I ask myself this question  I guess the answer would be that I paint so that I can feel as though I have done something of use even though I see no purpose other than to provide pleasure for others which I doubt I do as I doubt my abilities and besides most of my paintings such sit in the cupboard or are hung on the walls of my home where sadly I analyse them critically despite the positive comments of the occasional visitor. People paint as a mean of satisfaction, a boost To ones ego, ones elf esteem. I derive little satisfaction from my painting and concerning my self-esteem often quite the opposite occurs . Most times when I paint, particualry in the beginning I can become quite depressed when something goes wrong which in it invariably does.

The torment of OCD cannot be underestimated, it seeps into every aspect of your life. Often I wonder if I would enjoy painting better if I did not have OCD. But than again the urge to do this may not have arisen. Who knows what I would have been like without OCD. Although it was not full blown until my early twenties it has always been there along with the other difficulties such as AS and these have shaped my life.

June 18th

There are three new pages for you this month. Due to the time involved in creating web pages I will only now up-date bi monthly, the exception being my blog. However if I complete a webpage earlier in the month I will add it to the current updates rather than wait for two months. 

This month there are more of John's photographs this time of wild flowers they are sized for use as desk top wallpaper but may be of course used for any other purpose for personal or non profit use only.

There is a new inclusion in the Sufferers stories section from
Steve who is a sufferer of Brontophobia.  Sometimes called astrapophobia, brontophobia, keraunophobia, ceraunophobia, tonitrophobia.

Brontophobia or a fear of thunder is a difficult phobia to treat. My mother was a sufferer of this phobia amongst others. At the first rumble of thunder she would sit on the stairs and close all the doors so that she would be in complete darkness. My parents ran the local shop however whenever a thunder storm occurred she would have my father to tend to customers no matter how busy it got.

Brontophobia can become quite complex and pervasive, sufferers can develop a continuous ongoing anxiety and can become involved in anxiety provoked behaviours such as keeping an eye on the weather forecast to determine if there will be a thunderstorm. The sufferer may continuously check the sky becoming anxious as clouds build up. In fact the anticipatory fear can be as much or even more of a problem than the fear itself. And remember a phobic reaction is real fear the look on my mother's face of sheer terror during a storm went far beyond anxiety.

Useful websites:

Brontophobia - astraphobia, astrapophobia, keraunophobia, ceraunophobia, tonit

BBC - Weather Centre - Features - Culture, Society and Health - Weather Phobias

Do you have phobia?  if you would like to share your experiences with others please send in your story, you may remain anonymous or use a pseudonym. I think it is so important to share experiences with one another as you can feel so alone thinking you are the only one who feels this way. The more we can inform other sufferers and indeed non sufferers the more we promote a greater understanding of these very incapacitating condtions.

For help with phobias:

National Phobics Society

No Panic

Finally there are five more of Luis' favourite quotations in the inspirational quotations section. Luis is a regular visitor and supporter of this website, he is a sufferer of OCD.

Do you have any favourite quotations which inspire, uplift or motivate you? If you would like to share them with others please contact me. Again as always you may remain anonymous.

June 19th

Well its flaming June, at least that is how June was once described. Today we are driving through the Yorkshire Dales and it feels and looks more like dreary November. As you can see from the picture below a thick fogs shrouds the summit of Tan Hill, famous in the locality for the Tan Hill Inn which at 1,732 feet above sea level is Britain’s highest Inn. I would like to stop for a drink but anxiety prevents me from doing so. I am anxious about entering any public place, the way everyone looks in your direction the moment that you open the door is stressful embarrassing. I think other people  consider I look strange, why do people stare so, I just hate it. This uncomfortable feeling is particularly intense in a new place never before frequented for reasons not easy to explain. Furthermore I am anxious should the establishment admit dogs which is sometimes the case despite the fact now that most pubs serve food.

We are on our way once again to Sedbergh in Cumbria well-known for its bookshops. As mentioned before my son is a bookworm, an avid reader who loves browsing through these shops. The weather here in the UK has been dreadful for a couple of weeks and it is  miserable to wander about in the countryside so a trip to Sedbergh gets us out and about. Although I can keep myself occupied at home after a while I can begin to feel more depressed and become anxious about time slipping by in general, but in particular the spring and summer. Going out of course is immensely difficult for me because of  the usual OCD anxieties, problems with IBS which seem to have increased recently which is adding to my feelings of depression as is also the case concerning my headaches and migraine as even if I do not have one I am anxious that one will turn up.  The gloomy weather most certainly does not help