However it is the more immediate effects of this inclement, dull and miserable weather that is worrying: namely depression or an increase in ones existing depression. Now I really cannot face going out much at all today, we had thought of going for a picnic, but it is so miserable. When you are depressed everything is an enormous effort anyway and having to face the cold and misery adds to this feeling of apathy, a heaviness of heart borne of depression either as a result of the suffering caused by circumstances, the result of the misery of an anxiety disorder or a chemical imbalance. A bright sunny day aids motivation and feelings of positivity. It is for me personally the presence of the sunshine more than the actual warmth which brings about an increase in motivation and an elevation in mood to some degree. Moreover this is a bad time for those specifically diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder SAD, a type of depression bought about as a result of the lack of sunlight. This can be helped to some extent with special kinds of lighting systems and so on but nothing replaces the positive feelings which arise as a result of real natural sunlight. Even if you do not have SAD the lack of sunlight effects everyone and brings about a lowering of mood even for those who do not suffer with depression in any clinical sense.

Quite what one can do about such problems I have no idea other than to continue the best one can. I try to do what we normally do during the summer months and make the best of it despite my feelings of apathy and depression. Of course there are times like today when I give into feelings of despondency as I simply don’t feel like going anywhere, feeling rather weary. I have had quite a lot of really bad headaches lately and was woken in the night by a severe migraine. On Monday we went to into Cumbria to Sedborough and surroundings hills. It was cold and wet and I had a severe headache which was highly stressful but I stuck it out but sometimes I really feel as though the effort is just too much and at such times it becomes difficult to know whether going out would be beneficial in a therapeutic sense or simply the result of a compulsion to try and live a full a life as is possible when really I would just rather stay at home.

No matter how much effort we make there will be times when we give into despair and we should not at such times berate ourselves; everyone on occasion gives into depression and lacks motivation, as long as it not a regular occurrence this is normal. Conversely one should not go out simply because one fears that one is giving in. There exists the situation in which many sufferers find themselves and that is feeling depressed and anxious if they confront their fears or apathy, or conversely feeling depressed or anxious if they give in to their fears, such situations are of course no win situations and if such occurs on a regular basis you are left with feelings of depression and anxiety no matter what you do. My sister used to go out everyday and she became anxious if she did not. She worried if she had to go into hospital or find herself in any situation where she could not go out at least once during the day. When she came to stay with us she would become anxious until she went out and about in the area to “acclimatise” herself so to speak to unfamiliar surroundings. Yes she suffered with agoraphobia and after making some improvement to desensitise herself from this fear, the fear became inverted and she than became anxious not to become agoraphobic again. But instead of becoming anxious about going out she would be anxious about not being able to do so should her agoraphobia return. Although she was right to endeavour to maintain the progress she had made by going out however not to the extent that not doing so caused depression and anxiety. It is all a matter of finding an equilibrium of getting it just right. Such is the complicated lives which all of those who suffer with an anxiety disorder have to contend with.

It would seem that I digress. Back to the subject of weather and the effect it has upon our anxiety and depression I think that most people agree that sunlight makes quite a difference to our condition and how we cope with depression. The current weather is making life more problematic and I think we need to be mindful of this.

Hawthorn bushes heavy with blossom.

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June 2nd

With the support of my husband and son I wrote to the museum in question and asked them if they would consider providing some proper shelter for these sheep. I phrased the letter in such a way as to make this a suggestion rather than a complaint because in all respects these sheep were very well cared for except with regard to shelter, shelter they obviously sought as they struggled to find it underneath the cart. It took me several days of ruminating, debating with myself that I was not over reacting. The fact that both my son and husband backed me up helped me to make the final decision but still I wonder this morning as I write here what they will think when they read the letter, will they think that I am too sensitive, it is in fact this anxiety that has motivated me to mention the matter here. But does it matter what they think, does it matter if I am a sensitive person, after all if everyone was concernd about sheep and other defenceless creatures wouldn’t the world be a better place. To treat other animals as a means to an end, to use and abuse them is in my opinion one step closer to using and abusing other people. Not that I am implying these sheep are used or abused in fact quite the contrary as I have already said these sheep are well cared for and their general well being is far better than many sheep in farms left roaming wild in the hills in our locality. Sheep suffer from arthritis, a miserable condition, a problem for sheep of which most people may not be aware and if it is possible to make these creatures more comfortable than why not. I do of course worry that my suggestion may be misconstrued as a similar suggestion about a more serious matter was some years ago now when I wrote to the forestry commission in charge of the Ashdown Forest in Sussex through which sheep roamed and which there had been a spate of attacks by dogs. The person who received the letter saw my comments and suggestions, such as dogs should be kept on leads in the forest where sheep roamed, as a attack on their system of management and I got rather an irate letter in response, yet a complaint was the furthest thing from my mind. And you know I still feel just awful about this even today some six or seven years on. But I do get quite passionate about animal welfare - all animals including humans I might add - and perhaps I worded my letter in a way which may have seemed like an attack.

I have compassion for all creatures regardless of species, intelligence, size or any other criteria upon which most base their decision whether or not it is permissible to neglect the welfare of other creatures or even cause determent to the wellbeing of such creatures. For instance few really care about insects or other small creatures, many people will think nothing of killing a rodent simply because we think it carries disease, yet all creatures carry disease including ourselves. It appears to me that it is all a matter of perspective and selfishness, we love our dogs and cats because they bring us comfort but we do not like spiders or rodents because we feel they are a detriment in some way.  Endangered species of insects in the Amazon are just as worthy of saving from extinction as much as any other larger creature such as a mammal. All have a place in the eco system.

Yes I feel a little awkward when I wrote the letter and I did so with some anxiety as I did with a recent letter to my MP about the slaughter of baby seals and a letter to the prime minister about the Japanese whale hunt. If I am too sensitive to the suffering of all creatures because of my OCD than so be it, if there is any good that has come about from my OCD than this is it. However I like to think that such sensitivity on my part arises from me, the real me that lies underneath all the garbage of OCD. Indeed sensitivity can make me sad, outright depressed and anxious and perhaps too aware of the enormous amount of suffering that exists in the world but it would not come amiss if there was little more sensitivity abroad in the world and the shocking events that take place daily would be less likely occurrences.

If you would like to voice your opinion or sign petitions about a number of  animal welfare issues please click the following links :

Save Whales From a Cruel End: Stop Whaling Now Petition

Don't Downlist the Florida Manatee Petition

Protect Seals

Don't forget people too

Please click to help the suffering in the Indonesian Earthquake.

Mercy Corps - Relief and Development - International Humanitarian Aid

DEC Welcome to the Disasters Emergency Committee

June 3rd

Sometimes you wonder if life will be anything other than a nightmare. Yes I know that a good deal of the misery from which I suffer arises within my mind, nonetheless this fact does not negate my suffering or make me weak, pathetic or any other derogatory term one might think of. I can’t cope with life, it is not my fault, for goodness sake I have tried, over so many years I have tried. After so long of suffering with an anxiety disorder you get sensitised to so many things within your life, events and circumstances which others take in their stride, occurrences which to many seem trivial but which too you as a chronic anxiety sufferer become huge in proportion and your ability to handle any adversity however minor diminishes. And I guess that is the case right now. However having said that I do have quite a lot to contend with and perhaps I have accepted the level of suffering within my life that I now do not fully appreciate myself quite what a difficult life I lead. I feel now that every aspect of life is a monumental struggle either with my mind or my body and mostly it is both; the physical maladies become entwined with the mental afflictions as OCD weaves its web of tormenting obsessions and compulsions to add complication and compound the misery of any co existing physical aliment and indeed the aliments of others.

My son is ill right now he has an infection of the sinuses. It is not a rival matter, he has Aspergers syndrome and has general anxiety with some OCD tendencies so his ability to handle a difficult condition is lower than it would otherwise be. Anxiety concerning the need to take steroid medication and the prospects of the horrendous side effects daunts him and today he cannot use his medication. This brings to the fore one of the problems we face as a family and that is: there is not one of us who can provide a more normal rational perspective for the others. Having similar fears to my son about certain medications particularly this one which has side effects with the potential to effect ones vision it is difficult for me to encourage him to take it. This is a scary prospect for myself, over the years I have developed a fear of medications with even the mention of the word glaucoma in the list of contraindications even though at the time of writing I do not have glaucoma, touch wood. ( I am touching wood now, a common superstitious compulsion I know but one which for me is part of my OCD. There was a time when this obsession with touching wood was so severe that I would sleep with a wooden peg in my hand in case I should have a thought which would necessitate touching wood either before I went to sleep or upon awaking. I always carried around a wooden peg in my pocket for such occasions, and there were many such occasions when a thought like the one above would occur when I worried that I was tempting fate by my making a positive statement )

It is not easy to encourage my son or indeed anyone else to take medication I am too anxious to take myself, after all I worry about his welfare as much or more than my own. I do not like giving advice at the best of times upon any matter should a negative occurrence result. And when a whole list of particularly worrying possible consequences is spelled out in no uncertain terms it is practically impossible to do so unless the circumstances of his illnesses were life threateningly serious. And even than I do not feel as though I can cope with handing out such advice.

I am aware of course that many of these sides effects do not occur to everyone nonetheless the list is huge and frightening so I can’t advise him to take medication that I would be too sacred to take, the doctor says his condition will right itself in time but it is worrying.

In many ways it is getting now that we support one another in the validation of our anxieties rather than provide one another with a more rational perspective which was once the case. For instance the other day I bought some dried fruit, I had the notion that it could have been tampered with, poisoned. I will not go into details because I fear the consequences of doing so should others read this account; concerning this particular incident revealing the exact reasons brings to the fore another OCD obsession. I asked my son what he thought hoping he would give me a more rational perceptive as he once did however to my surprise he agreed with me! The notion was of course irrational although the possibilty of my fears being founded was in the realm of reality as of course my fruit could have been poisoned but the likelihood of this is remote and most people would not think such a thing believe me. I have noticed this happening now with my husband also, it is as if OCD has suddenly become contagious but of course it has not, it is just that all three of us now are experiencing OCD symptoms for various reasons; myself having the specific diagnosis of severe OCD, my son having aspergers syndrome with obsessive compulsive tendencies and my husband’s depression - depression often gives rise to obsessive compulsive behaviours.

June 4th

Last Friday I went to see a counsellor at my GP's surgery. This was a referral by my psychologist when I could not cope with CBT back in January because of the trauma of the loss of my brother-in-law and other circumstances already explained in a previous entry. He felt it might help me to simply talk with someone. I do regret having not taken up the opportunity to have CBT but neither the time nor the circumstances were right. Quite how these sessions will help I am not sure they may even add another dimension to my worrying and give me another concern and another obsession, one that I normally have little contact with not now having any real friends or many opportunities to talk to anyone other than my family. The obsession and compulsion in question is the tendency to analyse conversations and to ruminate upon the content: what I said, what the other person said and what he or she might have thought; the long term consequences of what I said or what the other person said or possibly thought; regrets wishing I had not said this or that; exaggerating even misunderstanding comments or not understanding comments. I worry: did I say something offensive; did the counsellor really understand my predicament, did I say enough or too much. I worry that I rambled on despite the
inhibition of my social interactions concerning my inability to make normal conversation. Now I do need some help with my social anxiety which I believe may be due to one or even a mixture of the following: having at least significant traits of autism / aspergers syndrome, social phobia or avoidant personality disorder. But whenever I see someone like this I seem to be able to exude a more confident persona that is normally not present and the councillor really does not understand that normally I am not this way at all. She said in fact that I had indeed talked quite a bit . Yes in this instance, maybe it is easier sometimes to talk about certain things in certain situations with certain people.

The counsellor was very pleasant and she was easier to talk with than most, and she listened, this is not always the case. Moreover after having completed so much writing here about myself and having checked it all over and over so many times I now have a well rehearsed repertoire and conversations concerning my OCD have improved as a result but spontaneous conversation is as usual virtually an impossibly, I am lost for words nothing comes into my mind to say and I just remain looking stupid, tongue-tied. I can't think of a thing to say, any social interaction simply does not flow, I notice it, others do also. People feel uncomfortable with me, than my eye contact becomes increasingly worse and I become fidgety. I have great difficulty in following conversations particualry if they are complicated and more particualry when such conversations are about mundane stuff, about people I do not know and places of which I am not familiar and general rambling conversations. Sometimes it is as though my brain does not process conversations quickly enough; to use the analogy of a computer processor it is rather like I have a Pentium 2 processor while everyone else is processing at speeds of a Pentium 4 . I often respond to something way way after the conversation has moved on. Moreover I often talk about something quite out of the blue, it is usually out of context; I have been thinking and suddenly begin to talk as though the other person or persons know what I have been thinking. This of course is unintentional and now I am aware of it I now at least realise when I have done this. I know this is difficult to explain but this tendency to do this is awkward and makes me look odd and than of course the other person feels uncomfortable and awkward and than I am completely lost. Such problems concerning social interaction are probably the reason that I have no real friends and never have had except for a few occasions when I have simply just clicked, for want of a better word, with someone and I can count these people on one hand but for the rest of the time and in my dealings with others conversation and any form of  social contact is a nightmare of anxiety and unease.

I do not now answer the phone unless I really have to and I tend to shun social situations and avoid them whoever possible. I have noticed that if we frequent anywhere regularly such as for instance the local pub in the city and our favourite tea room in the Dales the staff or owner begins to recognise us as regulars and become more talkative and than instead of enjoying a break out it becomes a situation of anxiety. I find it difficult to recognise faces unless I have known someone for years and years or there are few people to recognise such as in the tea room, but in the pub there are changes of staff and sometimes I do not know who will recognise us as regulars and is likely to speak and this situation makes me feel awkward; I feel silly if I say hiya, (hiya is the usual greeting here in the northeast and which I am not yet quite used to or comfortable with using)  if this person is not a regular staff member who recognises us. And of course there is doubt; sometime I do recognise the person but doubts intrude that I am mistaken. This is probably as a result of my OCD exploiting the problem I have with face recognition in order to add further misery and anxiety to the mix. This of course is personifying OCD rather, but sometimes it does feel like that as though this dreadful illness has a mind of its own which is keenly alert to any situation which it may use to add an obsessive compulsive dimension to an already distressing problem. Even when it is someone I vaguely think I should be acknowledging I feel the whole process unnatural and my uneasiness becomes apparent and I than begin to want to avoid such situations. Than if doubt remains and I decide to void contact by for instance studying the menu when a person I am not sure if I should say hiya to passes by. I than feel awkward as I than ruminate that I have caused offence and appeared unfriendly, a snob even, someone who is up themselves, another common expression here. Yes I do mean ruminate; these thoughts are by no means fleeting, I will ruminate both at the time and for some time thereafter; now I am ruminating about an incident last week when I did just what I am describing to you now. I felt I recognised the person but was doubtful and did not know what to do. Moreover when we enter I do not know how to respond if there is anyone about, say for instance at the bar: should I say hiya, make some comment, just smile or say nothing at all. If I do say something, how long do I linger, do I say anything other than hiya, how long should I make eye contact for; often eye contact is a huge problem, it does not come naturally to me not even with my son or husband and this often makes conversations more difficult as concentrating upon eye contact, focusing about getting it right distracts from my efforts to think of something to say which mostly comes out stammered and inarticulate. It is more of a problem in casual conversations and situations mostly but this social ineptitude can present in most other situations at least initially unless I really hit it off and feel comfortable right from the start which was the case with the councillor .

It is quite a problem that to you may seem trivial but like any problem it can become huge according to your personal perspective. Social interaction difficulties are not a symptom of OCD as such, not all OCD sufferers have social anxiety difficulties, however like everything else in your life whether positive or negative co morbid conditions become entwined within OCD and OCD adds fuel to the fire as indeed social interaction problems add to and become fuel for obsessive-compulsive behaviours. It is for this reason amongst others that I feel it imperative to have separate co existing disorders recognised and correctly diagnosed. No one condition exists in isolation, all disorders or conditions both physical or psychological become enmeshed with our obsessive compulsive behaviours. Conversely OCD adds it own momentum to other anxiety or neurological disorders greatly effecting their prognosis and ones ability to cope with them, such is the case with my social anxiety and social ineptitude. Such is even the case with my CDH and migraine, yes even seeming physical conditions become entwined and hindered and effected by OCD behaviours. The whole person needs care, the whole spectrum of ill health needs to be taken into consideration as receiving treatment in just bits and pieces aimed at just one or two conditions while not recognising or ignoring the rest is never wholly effective, at least this is my personal experience.

There is always a conflict of anxiety if we become too well known and I than have to start making more complicated conversations and the situation becomes more anxiety provoking to the point I dread going.

However on the other hand I do not like changes, I am always anxious about entering a pub or tea room or whatever for the first time and indeed for many other times thereafter until I become familiar with the situation and my surroundings . The reason for this is two fold: walking into any social situation where every one looks at you and stares is difficult, even in the cinema when you enter before the film begins everyone looks in your direction. It is of course human nature but this can be disconcerting when you are anxious socially and you also lack self confidence and may even have a tendency to have body dismorphic disorder. There are any number of social situations which cause such anxiety, the genuine lump in the throat, the thumping heart, constricted stomach, and the sudden increase in the need to relieve ones bladder type of anxiety. In addition there is OCD anxiety: are the premises clean, is there a dog or other animal likely to be wandering about - yes most certainly you cannot assume that if you enter any establishment that serves food or drink that there will not be an out of control dog or other critter to scare you half to death. Last Monday during a trip to the hills in Cumbria we stopped at a pub. We went into the coffee room, I was anxious not having ever been inside this pub before and had asked my son to check it out to see if the music was not too loud as I had in addition to my usual sensitivity concerning noise a splitting headache. We went into the coffee room as no else was else was there, after a while quite unexpected a man who obviously works there and indeed may have even been the chef tears through with a dog stretching itself against the restraints of its lead in our direction. I could not hide either my panic or my irritation, he remarked that the dog did not bite. The dog should not be there regardless of whether or not it bits!!! So until I am familiar with a place I can never relax as one is often confronted with the unexpected. Again it a rather dammed if I do dammed if I do not situation where several conditions come into play often conflicting and increasing the anxiety provoking aspects of them all. Increasing now I feel that I have to accept that with all my problems I will never function normally and one threat or another will always present itself, combating one or avoiding one in turn aggravates another and I can't win and every action, both at home or out or even within my mind, is thwart by some OCD problem or a mixtures of OCD and all the co morbid conditions that make my life an ordeal, a constant battle with adversity, an diversity often not apparent to others and which others never really understand.

June 5th

There is a fly in my coffee can you believe it!!!! My son and I were trying to have a nice relaxing cup of coffee whilst sitting in the garden and I felt something was in my mouth. I thought it was a lump of coffee that had not dissolved. Fortunately I spat it out, at first when I examined it I thought it was a bit of leaf or something that had blown in but to my horror it was a fly and a biggish one at that. I feel sick inside just telling you. Despite the sound of chatting neighbours I screamed caring nothing that they would hear this panic. I ran to the kitchen sink emptied the coffee cup and dead fly into the sink rinsing my month over and over even contemplating using hot water can you believe... well if you have OCD you will believe that scolding out my mouth monetarily crossed my mind. I felt ill afterwards imagining where this fly had been as the anxiety was not merely the fact there was a dead fly in my mouth. All this happened of course with in seconds, my son having jumped out of his skin so quick and sudden was this panic, quite out of the blue. I of course thought of nothing but getting this fly our of my mouth and did not notice my son’s cutlery in the sink. My son likes his own special cutlery for OCD contamination reasons of his own and he also for hypersensitivity reasons does not like what he refers to as scratchy cutlery, so this his is special set and it was in the sink when the coffee with the dead fly in it was tipped in and I frantically kept rinsing out my mouth. No I did not have time to see his cutlery I was simply just too panicked stricken otherwise I would have removed this first being perhaps more mindful that my emptying in the coffee over his cutlery would set of an OCD panic for my son but these were exceptional circumstances... after all even a non OCD person would feel revolved by the thought of a fly having been in his or her mouth.

Now if ever I have had any doubt that my son has Aspergers syndrome such doubts have today evaporated for good. His reaction at being suddenly jolted out of his stupor was typical of someone who has Aspergers: his absorption into whatever he was reading or just thinking about was very intensive. When in the throes of such intensive thought or involvement often when he is spoken too there is no response, it is as though you and the world either does not exist for him or exists as an irritation interfering with whatsoever is going on in his mind or whatever he is concentrating on. Yes I too have similar tendencies but sometimes Kevin's distraction is very profound that at times you would think him deaf. This is a tendency of autism but today he was rudely awoken from this state so great was my panic, his initial response after quickly realising I was not having a heart attack or other life threatening event was very laid back. Although he himself has a mild form of OCD contamination anxieties the incident seemed to him of little consequence; he had no empathy whatsoever, not an inkling how abhorrent and revolting and indeed frightening it is for a sufferer of contamination OCD to have a fly in her mouth. At the best of times unless my obsessions are similar to his he really cannot empathise or indeed recognise the need too do so or at least pretend to do so. His obsessions are justified while mine are... "psychotic".

The moment he saw this cutlery lying in the sink with the corpse of the dead fly which somehow had resisted the flow of water and remained in the sink he freaked. I was accused of being inconsiderate and that is putting it mildly, but excuse me I was somewhat traumatised and panic stricken ...pardon me for not thinking that I would be upsetting someone else’s OCD tendencies:-) . However the way he goes about it is always in a kind of jovial way, he does not get seriously angry, we do end up shouting rather, but it is more like an irate debate trying to each justify our own individual OCD panic from our different perspectives. I cannot convey to you the good natured banter in this situation for indeed it is often very difficult for me also to really read into any situation. Was he really cross, was he really anxious... it is hard to tell particularly as he most always responds in this way so it is difficult to know precisely how he is really effected. We end up laughing but scold the crockery and cutlery. I have not yet used this cup again the thought of doing so causing nausea to arise.

June 6th

On the way out there she was again I tried walking as slow as possible but her car was parked right next to ours. Another social interaction dilemma: do I talk to her now, make a remark I could have made earlier if I had had the presence of mind to do so and my brain had been able to process the information and come up with a suitable response in the time that was expected or should I  make a comment about the weather or other such bland and expected remark . I made neither but she did smile as we drove away. I really find my difficulty with social interaction a bitter pill to swallow, no conversation flows they all have to be planned even a casual encounter such as this one fails abysmally if I am not prepared. No this is not my imagination, neither is it a trivial matter, it is a real problem it leaves me frustrated and lonely and increasingly more avoidant of exposure to situations where someone may speak to me. Moreover it is so anxiety provoking, the anxiety experienced during the second encounter was significant indeed.

June 7th

I know this all sounds negative however I think that today sufferers in general have more chance of making a recovery, maybe not a complete recovery but rather a significant alleviation of symptoms with an increased ability to learn to cope with the symptoms of their respective anxiety disorder whether it is OCD, panic disorder, agoraphobia or whatever. However for those of us who like me appear at least for now to have intractable symptoms but desperately wish to find some happiness one perhaps needs to live in the moment rather than attempt to lay the foundations of future long term happiness, which in my personal experience can be frustrating depressing and anxiety provoking if sought after with obsessive urgency as is the case for me right now. The search to find happiness is in fact producing huge amounts of misery and anxiety as whatever I attempt to do is thwart by obstacles or so it would seem. Right now I am just too ill to ever think that I will experience long term contentment, happiness or peace of mind, in fact such expectations may be unrealistic even for high functioning healthy individuals. Every being suffers according to Buddhist belief and if we think about this it is of course true, it is an inescapable part of life.

June 9th

Another trauma of checking has made the above entries difficult to publish yet again. I tried writing them and editing them daily as they were written checking them once and telling myself that when I was ready to publish I would simply just check them one final time. Well the best laid plans of mine and men....Sadly this attempt at preparing and publishing my blog in a more normal way did not succeed and during the last few days I have checked them over and over. Yesterday's checking session was particualry stressful and I become very tired and weary as a result of all the anxiety concerning these entries. Moreover the more I checked  them the more they where added to as new thoughts arose and this of course increased the time of further checking sessions. Yesterday was a glorious warm and sunny day and here I was in the early morning check, check, checking, in the late morning and early afternoon still more checking ; ruminating, obsessing, worrying and yes getting depressed. Today is another gloriously sunny day, a mist hangs heavy over the fields it is warm and it looks as though it will be another day to either go out or sit in the garden so I do not want to check anymore or get a headace doing so. I. have another appointment with the counsellor and this worry's me somewhat should I get a headache and need to cancel. So now I will attempt to publish. I have completed a final check this morning which has taken well over an hour and a half and I am still tormented  with doubts and I am weary. My mind is awash with so many ideas so many thoughts, things I want to write, the compulsion to keep writing is overwhelming and this in itself is exhausting as after leaving my computer my mind continues to think of ideas to mentally compose them which I often  forget when the time comes to write but I cannot keep writing or thinking sometimes I feel as though my head will explode. It feels as though there is a tight band round my head, it is 7am it is hot I cannot open the window because of the low frequency hum from the factory. It is time to publish  before I am compelled to write any more! or further doubts intrude.

I sometimes wonder if anyone sees this blog or indeed my website, I of course know that they do as several people have written to me but during times when I receive no mail I do wonder. I would not say that I worry but I do wonder and tend to ruminate that there may be a problem. Conversely I worry that indeed many people see it and just the thought of what I write at times induces a stress similar to that experienced when under the throes of an attack of acute existential terror, at least the thought is as powerful a stressor as that experienced in those moments when all of sudden an existential thought intrudes into your mind with that accompanying sick feeling of utter dread. A feeling difficult to describe or for you to comprehend if you do not suffer from this type of intrusive unwanted thinking.

Yes indeed it is by no means easy for me to bear my soul in this very public way and of course the openness of my writing is effected to some extent by this fear of exposure. Moreover certain inhibitions arise as a result of my anxiety should I make matters worse for fellow suffers by these accounts concerning my very negative life. The intention for writing this blog and indeed my website rises from an overwhelming desire or perhaps I should say obsessive drive to share my experiences in order for others to feel less alone, particularly those of you whose OCD seems intractable, chronic; often we can feel quite alone and sometimes we see ourselves as a failure when we are repeatedly told that OCD is highly treatable. Highly treatable...a rather misleading statement don't you think. Yes most certainly OCD is treatable, the prognoses is far better now than it once was when I was first diagnosed and with CBT and medication many people learn to cope and lead fuller lives than once was the case. But still there are some of us whose condition remains intractable for a number of reasons. My own personal reasons I will share with you another time. However the most common reason that OCD can become intractable is if treatment is not sought because of lack of information i.e. the person is either unaware that he or she has an illness and that that illness is OCD. The sufferer many be too embarrassed to seek treatment, feeling he or she is the only one and there is no one else like him or her. There may be other co morbid or dual condtions which need considering but which remain undiagnosed. The sufferer is unable to take medication for whatever reason and CBT and other therapy are unavailable. There may of course be any number of reasons the above however may be the most obvious.

It is for these reasons that I write this blog and all the other writings on my website. I do so to help those of you who are chronic sufferers for whom treatment is either unavailable or ineffective in order that you do not feel that you are alone because for you treatment has not helped. And I share my experiences for those of you who feel so alone with severe OCD and unable to seek treatment for fear of embarrassment thinking that you’ re the only one. Also I write that professionals and carers may gain more insight into what it is like to suffer with OCD and other maladies which often accompany the primary condition- it is my experience with both myself and talking to others that a good percentage of OCDers have a number of co morbid conditions or duel diagnoses. I also write for those of you who have improved and are living a relatively normal life although this is the area of which I am anxious as I do not wish my negative life to adversely effect those of you who have made progress. Therefore I tend in this and certain other areas to feel some inhibition in bearing my soul, a feeling of restraint for fear of causing harm.

Furthermore inhibitions arise simply because there are OCD problems which in themselves make it difficult for me to write about certain issues and these issue may not necessarily be concerned with OCD as my blog of course is a journal in which from time to time I may write my thoughts concerning other matters which may or may not appear to have anything to do with OCD or other disorders or conditions. At least as far as I am aware for you see now my OCD is so entrenched that it is not always easy to separate what thoughts, ideas or actions arise from OCD and the OCD personality or from my real self hid underneath the garbage of so many obsessive-compulsive behaviours.

June 11th

Thump thump thump boom boom the ear-splitting sound coming from an open top car as it enters our street is horrendous. The sound is sickening I feel overwhelmed completely by this dreadful noise. Although the sound is turned off as soon as the car arrives at its destination in a cul-de-sac further long the street, it was nonetheless a shock to my system. I mentally note that I am pleased we do not live there as often I have wished we did as it is further from the factory. This is the second car to arrive heralded by this racket this afternoon. I can understand to some extent why young people play their music loud in their cars as perhaps they feel that it disturbs no one at least not in the long term and they can really let rip . But I cannot imagine why anyone would want to listen to music quite this loud and risk damaging their hearing. No this is not my being hypersensitive. Yes I am of course hypersensitive but this music transcends any tolerance level; I have never heard anything quite like it except perhaps at the Nottinghill carnival - I stayed there all of about five minutes the music so loud my chest vibrated. Surely it is a danger to other road users and of course to the person concerned to have music blaring so loud that the driver can hear nothing. Loud music can have the effect of making one feel unreal removed from ones surroundings, which is surely a hazard when driving. Moreover the loud music surely drowns out the sounds of horns. It disturbs the peace, yes even for a short few moments while these thoughtless people are driving through, the sound of thumping can be sickening.

On a personal level however such sounds remind me of just how awful it could be if that occurred right next door or even in the same street. Yes this is of course catastrophising, but it can and does happen does it not and the council responsible for noise nuisance are painfully slow in rectifying such matters, often as much as three months before any action is taken., that is if any action is taken at all. When the factory in the village installed their wood burner the noise was worse much worse than it is now, it could be heard over the entire village and no one could sit in their gardens, it was far in access of the present low frequency hum which drives me crazy. But it took a petition to get it stopped and than it was only stopped for eight hours during the night, the noise apparently continued throughout the rest of the day from 6 am. Noise is for me a great fear and as soon as I hear music like this that anxiety overwhelms me with thoughts of just how awful it would be to be subjected to that level of noise. Noise is a real problem for me my heart thumps now just writing to you here and telling you how this effects me.

June 12th

The thunderstorm is awesome as vivid blots of lightening strike at land and the sea in rapid succession, the dark foreboding clouds adding a truly dramatic aspect as we stand on the cliffs at Whitby in Yorkshire. Crazy person that I am I truly love a spectacular thunderstorm and there is none as spectacular as one out to sea, a real treat. The thunder crashes, an enormous sound which at one time induces me to cover my ears which is a normal reaction for me if any sound is unbearably loud, nonetheless this one almighty crash seems not to spoil my enjoyment, it is altogether different than the man made sounds which torment my life. You would think a person who has so many mental health problems would have thunderstorm phobia wouldn’t you. Well one can not fear everything if this where the case one would not be able to exist, it may appear from what I write that I fear everything; thunderstorms however bring excitement, amazement; the awesome power, the spectacular effects are exhilarating. It was a dramatic climax to a very stressful day as the thunder and lightening loosed the oppressive grip of a very hot and humid summers‘ afternoon, it also helped to alleviate the grip of mounting tension and pervasive depression which had dogged me all day. However as is often the case such enjoyment is spoiled by my anxiety over what appears to be so many unleashed and boisterous dogs - such exuberance a result of the impending thunderstorm, animals being sensitive to such occurrences - which where everywhere. We sat on a bench to watch the storms’ dramatic progress but my attention remained keen for the approach of a dog. I felt rather like those desert dwelling rodents - sorry I am not sure what they ‘re called - who sit on their hind legs, body erect, necks stretched, head constantly moving , alert for the approach of danger.

I had not been keen to go, the weather recently has been unbearably hot. I find this overwhelming, it accentuates my anxiety, my headaches and my hypersensitivity. I find the drive to Whitby although only about an hour and a half rather unnerving as having to go through Middlesbrough a depressing industrial city rather reminiscent of a Lowry painting can be confusing and nerve racking with speeding traffic and the potential for my husband to get lost. He hates driving through unfamiliar and larger cities. We arrive about 10am and it was than quite hot, unbearably so. My aches and pains where quite pronounced today, some days it is like that for reasons I do not understand. My whole body just ached and a headache niggled in the background.

A long walk from the cliff top to the town, unleashed dogs, flies, dog mess ,too many people, blaring music in shops and cafes overwhelms me; noise from so many sources which after awhile coalesced to a cacophony of racket made more unbearable by the increased heat was misery indeed. Furthermore the constant need to use the toilet due to a sudden return of more pronounced IBS and the general hustle and bustle was unbearable, this was not peaceful trip out for relaxation.

My son’s idea of a good day out is to roam round shops looking at things he wished he had but cannot afford, obsessing about his diet looking for things to eat within his strict criteria and making comments about how autistic I am. Yes if my son’s comments are anything to go by I need no further confirmation:-) My son considers both my husband and I to be on the autistic spectrum ... well this remains to be seen most certainly my reactions to what appears to me to be increased sensory overload are anything to go by... well ... maybe. If indeed he is correct and my own considerations are correct also this may answer so many questions as to why my OCD is intractable and why I just can’t cope with anything. I walked around in a daze of inner misery caused by external circumcises which seemingly do not effect others in quite the same way. None seems perturbed by the mayhem of confusion. It is amazing the noise from such a relatively small seaside town, it is a far cry from the Whitby of yesteryear the Whitby that Bran stoker the author of Dracula would have been familiar with. Yes it is here in the town of Whitby that Bram Stoker wrote this famous book two thirds of which is set in this once peaceful town. It is odd is it not how people have become used to noise, I guess for many they have know no different. I imagined what it must be like if someone from the past where suddenly to find themselves in the midst of a modern busy town. Other people have adapted to the racket and bustle of everyday life yet I have not and doubt I ever will .

Birds squawk flying overhead, bird mess everywhere, I am anxious should a overhead undesirable plop of bird mess land on my head. A child brushes by he is wet I feel contaminated, anxious; I know it is most likely be water but there is doubt that it is something more sinister, something toxic harmful. The cafe is full of people chatting both my husband and son want a meal; I want to rush out get way from all the confusion the heat and the fear of food poisoning should I eat here. It is in any case not easy now I am a gluten free vegan but we find a choice of coleslaw and jacket potatoes. Yes to a small degree after the initial panic it was enjoyable as for some reason the cafe became less crowded and my anxieties became less so; after checking that the food was indeed piping hot I ate it in a relatively relaxed manner. In recent weeks a gluten free diet has seemed to bring about a considerable improvement in my IBS and also my irritable bladder has improved somewhat as often the two conditions are related, however today after finishing this meal my IBS seemed to once again bother me and endless trips to the toilet thwart with numerous worrying and exhausting OCD decontaminating rituals such a lining the seat with toilet paper, using tissue to touch the door handles, the latch ,and toilet flush and than finding no soap is stressfully wearying, frustrating and anger inducing. Toilets which could not be used no matter what rituals were carried out has me on the verge of hysteria. The new gizmos that have now replaced ordinary blots cause enormous anxiety fears of getting locked in as the stupid and pointless device malfunctions which was the case a couple of years ago - why waste time energy and resources developing and manufacturing new latches where old fashion bolts are perfectly adequate, such stupidity drives me to distraction. Life in all its aspects seems an impossibility for me to cope with, a mine field of insurmountable obstacles.

We find a beach that is dog free: “No Dogs Allowed on this part of the Beach” so says the small sign but who takes any notice of rules, rules made out of consideration for people who do not appreciate mounds of dog mess amongst the sand that their children will play in. It was just a small section of the beach after all dog owners have huge stretches of good sandy beach at their disposal yet in the distance I see a couple with a dog. At one time I would have given them a piece of my mind in no uncertain terms but I was hot stressed and besides.... well, wants the point people like that never change and in any case to give them the benefit of the doubt the sign was rather inconspicuous. A lump rises to my throat as I step on the sand littered in parts by bits of paper, cigarette ends , plastic cups, tin cans and gravel from the street I feel anxious as sand seeps between my toes through my sandals. We stay on the beach for only a few minutes I am anxious fearful on the alert like a nervous animal hackles raised, tense, anticipatory. Fear or not I do manage to paddle in the sea, the warm day and blue sea looks so inviting I reason to myself that it is only my feet I can have a shower as soon as I arrive home. It was deliciously soothing despite my fear, memories flood back of a time long gone when such considerations as contamination where an alien notion impossible to even have envisioned.

The sand which clings to my feet is anxiety provoking as I now worry about being able to enter any shops; my son wishes to visit the Goth shop, an inevitable shop in Whitby a town of obvious interest to those of a Gothic persuasion. If you do not know what a is click Goth  for a good explanation from Wikipedia encyclopaedia.  My son once being a Goth retains some interest. I must admit I just love all that gothic paraphernalia, the grotesque clutter, the weird gargoyles, and other indescribable critters the imagination can conjure and other variations of themes of the horror genre and gothic influence. Although you might imagine that some of it is kind of morbid with graphic reminders of ones mortality it has in fact  little negative effect; I need no reminders of death as the thoughts of death are of course somewhere in my mind for most of the time. There is of course loud music but it seems less bothersome here as it is more appropriate as of course Goth is a culture mostly of the young and music is part of that culture. We buy an oil burner,  an ornamental tree with a face rather reminiscent of Tree beard in the Lord of the Rings - more clutter for our hoard. We have told ourselves no more clutter but the compulsion is there and it will sit on a shelf among all the other clutter collecting dust and after a time we will complain about being overwhelmed and we will vow never to buy anymore...

The return to the car up the steps to the cliff top is daunting, exhausted my joints and muscles aching I struggle to the stop vowing that now I really can’t cope anymore with going out but rather like the vows concerning clutter it will never be fulfilled. I guess if I give in and stay at home my life will feel as though it is over

The storm which erupted as we drove to the cliffs at the other end of the town would have been an exciting end to a tense day but no after the first storm had passed my tension headache erupted into a migraine. I say erupted as there was little warning. Now the storm that had brought a respite of pleasure and yes excitement now bought a new fear. I had to find a private place to take my medication and rest for forty minutes but the storm that returned was quite violent, the rain fell like a curtain as we made our way to a more secluded area, it was impossible to drive the road turned into a river, a deluge not seen for a while. Had I not had a migraine I would have found it exciting but now it became a little scary and I became anxious wondering how I was going to cope with my migraine if I could not take my medication I had to find somewhere to administer it and rest but we had to pull over and wait it out. Finally it abated for a short while and we found a quiet place down a country lane. My son managed to find himself an old church to look round while I waited for my medication to take effect, while so doing the storm raged the noise was huge, terrific clasps of thunder reverberated, flashes of lightening ripped the sky apart and I have to admit when it was overhead there was some panic should the car be struck by lightening. My son was still in the church I really felt anxious as he was caught there unable to leave so heavy was the rain. I feared also being swept away, was there a river nearby which would burst its banks? My headache abated as did the storm. I was angry at having missed this second most awesome storm as lying prone of course I did not see much of the lightning.

Below are photographs suitable for desk top wall paper. Sorry no lightening, we did try but  our camera is not sophisticated enough. Look how dark it was and this at about 4pm! The second picture is the harbour at Whitby.

Check out Wikipedia the on line encyclopaedia for information about Whitby.  Incidentally, Wikipedia is a useful and reliable source of information upon a whole range of subjects. 

Whitby - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

June

It is another hot day, yesterdays’ thunderstorms have done little to mitigate the heat - I know there is no pleasing some people is there, I bet you recall my complaining about the cold unseasonable dull weather. Already at 5.30 it is really warm but I dare not open the window. During the last few days the low frequency hum from the factory in the village has been silenced. This of course is most likely due to the wood burner breaking down as happens from time to time. It has been absolutely marvellous for me without this torture and where I live now seems an entirely different place. I really cannot bear this noise and I dare not open the window because of the severe depression and anxiety which will overwhelm me if I here it click on again which surely it will. But this morning I wake with awful depression this must surely be borne of a chemical reaction of some sort as I had barely time to get my bearings before depression ascends like as sickness. In the immediate moment this morning there was no need for depression, other than tiredness there had been nothing much in the way of awful thoughts at least nothing partially scary or morbid nothing more this morning than that which occasionally occurs when perhaps only smaller niggling worries rather than serious anxiety producing existential fears play on my mind, yet my depression is profound. There is obviously some chemical imbalance and my depression exists as two separate conditions: as a part of and as a result of my OCD and other anxious thoughts which may well be described as GAD; another kind of depression which is deeper and more difficult to combat exists more as a co morbid or co existing condition, a condition in its own right which may exist even if I did not have OCD. The later type of depression is the most difficult to try to ease or mitigate, as difficult to mitigate by my own intervention as is a migraine or other pain which is only alleviated my pharmaceutical intervention.

So this morning I guess I fear accentuating this depression by opening the windows should this noise start as most surely it will. I hope it never does there was a few weeks last summer when I did not hear it and my hope rose as hope does, does it not. Hope when it springs up so easily at times can be a destructive emotion. Yes even in such a negative soul such as myself hope arises often misplaced and unrealistic. Some say that it is this hope that keeps us going in times of unhappiness and despair but sometimes this hope can be so disruptive as so often the thoughts and motivations behind such positive feelings which rise, like OCD thinking itself, unbidden can eventually be shattering as reality soon casts such hope aside all to easily. On this occasion, after weeks of silence I really hoped they had fixed the wretched machine but of course this was not the case. Sometimes such respites can make matters worse as you’ re reminded what your life could be like without whatever it is that is tormenting you. This morning I am too afraid of making my depression worse by opening that window. Yes the sound of this humming is awful perhaps more so for me with my sensitivity to noise rather than for my neighbours. The problem with this noise is further exaggerated by my mind and other fears arise and OCD begins to rear its ugly head as is the case today as I fear to open the window or to step into my garden. The whole situation than begins to escalate and becomes more than just a problem with noise as avoidance to exposure becomes part of the problem and gives it an OCD /phobic aspect. Furthermore just lately my sensitivity to noise in general whether it is due to sensory integration disorder or due to the heightened state of my anxiety is becoming a huge problem and is now reaching phobic proportion where the fear of encountering noise is itself causing anxiety and as there has been tendencies lately to avoid situations where I might encounter noise.

You are not going to believe this... it is only 6.50 and there is some idiot out there cutting the grass verges. I know it is a workday and people who work are obvious up now or so it would seem in this case working!!!! It is of course the councils’ day to cut the grass verges in the village. But it’s only 6.50 for goodness sake! not everyone works many people here are retired and besides this level of noise at such early an hour is in my option wholly insensitive, inconsiderate. But that is how it is now in our 24/7 society no one has any regard, respect or consideration for anyone else at all. In years passed this racket at such an nearly hour simply would not occur; to begin with council workers would not be starting work at the crack of dawn and moreover people would have complained but people here seem to accept so much now regarding it as common place and something about which they can do nothing. And yes they can do nothing! nothing! It matters not how much you complain nothing changes both the private sector which really now owns everything and does much of the councils work and the public sector do not give a dam about anyone or anything , the environment, workers rights, the effect that round the clock actives have on other people, nothing! there only concern is profit profit profit . Today's world is not an easy place for anyone it never has been but today the dispassionate attitudes of society are turned towards greed, exploitation and total disregard for anyone. Has anyone noticed how rapidly prices are rising, enormous price increases. As one business raises its prices than so do others to compensate for the price rises they have to bear as a consequence, it is a viscous circle which leaves those who are unable to work and on disability benefits becoming poorer and poorer. Well that is another topic perhaps for another time and it is one that I will return to as the situation for people on benefits and state pension is indeed worrying as raises in benefits, usually much less than a pound per week annually for disability does nothing to keep in line with the rapid price rises.

About five minutes ago after writing the above I had thrown caution to the wind and opened the window and now if the hum did start I would not hear it because of this bloody racket outside from a machine cutting grass. Ggggrrrrrrr

June 14th

My heart is in my mouth, a tight knot of anxiety constricts my stomach as I walk quickly up the hill pushing through the stiffness of my aching muscles. I am anxious and all because I have to walk a few hundred yards alone to use the toilet. My husband offered to accompany me but I felt guilty if I allowed him to, I sense he needed a bit of time out and I thought that he was weary and really after all I was in safe place. Yes I really have come to this because of all my fears; a walk alone of a short distance is anxiety provoking. My husband and I after a day when we feel as though we have been run ragged are trying to relax in the botanical gardens in the city. We have a season ticket, a pass and now and again it is just pleasant to walk round these gardens or sit on a bench and read. It feels safe here, no dogs are allowed, there are no crowds, I would not say it was quiet you can hear traffic in the distance and right now there is some building work going on not too far away but for the most part noise levels are relatively tolerable.

Therefore I decided to make the effort and go alone. So I struggled up the hill to the visitors centre. I want to turn and call to him to come with me but resisted the urge to do this; thoughts that he would not be there when I returned intruded to give reason to my anxieties. You might think it unlikely that he would not be there but who knows he has in the past on other occasions misunderstood and wandered off somewhere. I ask him several times before leaving to be there when I return. He gets irritated as though such an idea is unjustified. But the first time I went to see the psychologist when I returned to the waiting room he was not there, he had got his wires crossed and having gone for a short walk just a few metres to the supermarket when he returned he was waiting in another part of the medical centre so I missed him. Lots of stress and panic later we finally bump into each other wandering round trying to find what has happened to the other . Indeed we are neither of us functioning properly and life seems lately thwart by such confusions. Furthermore I have also the silly notion that he will just abandon me and go home. Of course on a rational level I know this thought is ridiculous, it is just another OCD torment; irrational unrealistic, but the thought is there and also ideas as to what I would do if this happened including anxious considerations that I would have to walk home because I had no money, at least not enough for a taxi. I get cross with my husband I can’t help it as the anxiety when such confusions arise is just awful. The thought of walking home three miles is daunting from an OCD aspect but also may aching muscles and headaches of course add another dimension of misery. What if I get I got a headache and was stuck here alone three miles from my home. All such thoughts rush through your mind before you even have the chance to stop them, if of course this is ever a possibility of doing so, at least not for long, thoughts pour into my mind too slippery to prevent as they present within the fraction of a second.

But despite such anxieties I decide that yes for once I will make the effort. I walk briskly anxiety ridden but I finally make it and my anxiety becomes less; the return journey is less problematic and I even stop to look at the colour of leaves on a tree - I often do this comparing the real colours of nature in order to help improve my artwork . Yes he was still sitting on the same bench and on the return journey I in fact now had no doubts that he would be there. It did feel odd to be wandering about alone; it was only a matter of fifteen to twenty minutes I know but when you are so anxious of being alone that is a long time.

June 15th

Today it is very warm again and this drains me rather I feel exhausted but as the weather is so nice I feel I need to make the best of it this which is in itself becoming rather an obsession with the compulsion to be out and about despite the fact that sometimes I really feel too fatigued. I am at the stage now when I feel increasingly that I am constantly driven to make the most of the day in order not to have that depressed feeling that the day as been useless and that I have not made any effort to enjoy myself, although rarely I can say that joy or even mild content are states of mind of which I am familiar, or do something constructive. However at the end of a day doing things such as going out shopping such as we did today I feel as though I should have done something else, something more constructive such as my art work or work on my website. Of course we have to go shopping ,cook meals, do the laundry, housework and all the other mundane chores but I have the compulsion to balance these with doing something more constructive. Yes indeed it has now most certainly become a compulsion, these pastimes have morphed into obsessive- compulsive behaviours with all the usual accompanying anxieties and frustrations which of course is the result of any obsessive compulsive behaviour no matter how well balanced or normal such activities may appear to the casual observer.

We did get back around 5pm and I could have painted for a couple of hours instead of watching TV, falling asleep and waking depressed. This is precisely why this sense of feeling driven and compelled to cram so much into my day has arisen and this is what happens when I ignore it: guilt; a sense of failure; anxiety about the passing of time and the waste of time; regret for having given into apathy and fatigue. For you see it is apathy, even depression and fatigue that makes me ignore these obsessions and compulsions to be constructively engaged. It is indeed a difficult situation and a complicated one of conflicting emotions, emotions that seem flexible and will present regardless of what I do. It is difficult for me to explain to you precisely what is occurring here in my very tormented beleaguered mind, indeed unless I write down this complicated web of misery as I am doing now it is not obvious even to myself what is happening... a good reason to write things down from time to time particularly complex and complicated issues which although much suffering is experienced the reason behind such may be obscure. Often we can experience so much anxiety stress and depression over actions arising from irrational thinking, ideas, thoughts and patterns generated by OCD or GAD without really being aware of what is happening. It is only after many months when one suddenly realises that what one once enjoyed has been hijacked by OCD and turned from a source of positive action into actions riddled with negative connotations and it has become part of our OCD or GAD. And this is the case with the problem I am attempting to describe to you here.

So this is how my dilemma with my obsessions and compulsions to use time constructively presents: If I do not constructively use my time I feel anxious depressed and guilty, however because for virtually all the time I feel depressed and anxious these states of mind prevent me form carrying out these compulsions to engage myself in something constructive. A difficult and complex dilemma indeed an enormous inner struggle; I am fighting myself yet it is so complicated that now I really cannot see a way of sorting it out myself or even beginning to explain to a therapist or councillor such problems which are difficult enough for me to comprehend let alone explain to another person what is happening. I guess it is a case of finding an equilibrium, a middle road. I need to be engaged in such activities on my computer and my artwork but I need to be doing so for the right reasons as such activates are therapeutic but they have also become enmeshed within my OCD and have themselves become rituals . How I can revert to my once more positive motivations and appropriate allocations of time for such endeavours remains to be seen. The time spent on such is of course another problem I often become angry, resentful and depressed if I cannot work on my computer. For you see when I wake in the morning and come here to work I find it very difficult to leave this and do other things I am a really muddled and complicated person with a mind that feels as though I could do with a restart bottom myself as rather like a computer when it has been overloaded with too much information it appears to screw up and there is nothing to be done other than reset it. I am going to have a break and do my Tai Chi, sounds good, positive but sadly that is my having to improve my health and wellbeing compulsion for your see I would really rather work on my computer... well I in fact wonder what I would really like to be doing right now and quite honestly I don’t know anymore.

I have several e-mails to write and a letter or two and this plays on my mind . It appears there is always something I should be doing and If I do one thing than I feel that I should have done something else and by the end of the day no matter what I have done I feel dissatisfied as though I have wasted this day of my life. It is really becoming quite a problem, it is having a serious impact upon my mood and is increasingly accentuating my depression.

June 17th

Today the noise  from the wood burner is just awful, all through the night it was louder than usual. Today I could not sit in my garden, the garden we spent a considerable time and effort to create. Yes indeed this effects my mood and my ability to go about my daily activities which are difficult enough as it is.

Imagine that every time you go to do something you have to wash your hands because you have touched one of the many things in your environment that you consider contaminated, and after so many years of suffering this is significant.  Here are just a few examples: the laundry basket, light switches, door handles, the curtains, certain books, the radiators, anything in the garden, shoes, the brush, vacuum cleaner, mop, cleaning products, paint, my crystals  and ..Well the list is huge most of it is personal to me and would perhaps be meaningless to a fellow sufferer as such things become contaminated according to the individual perspective;  for instance a book from the library has a peculiar smell which after handling it and reading it keeping it at arms length I have to wash my hands before touching anything else. Yes it can be as bad as that sometimes, or worse, what I have written does nothing to convey the extent of the problem. Also imagine that you have a thought that prevents you from doing this or that and you either have a mammoth struggle or you give in and end up not being able to complete or even begin what you set out to do. This thought may be of a superstitious nature such as in something bad may happen if I do this or that , the action concerned may have a connection with a superstitious number. Often I cannot read books with chapters of this number. Note the entries that only give the month but no day. This is because of a superstitious fear to write down a certain number which I have coped with before, for I have written it down in my memoir but right now this number is a problem. So you see most actions and thoughts are inhibited by OCD, my entire life is effected by OCD! not  to mention headaches and other psychical illnesses. Having to work round these difficulties often saps my motivation, motivation which is in any case adversely effected by depression, so this extra problem with this noise which seems to increase my stress and adds to my depression also decreases my motivation still further as it feels as though it is the last straw.

I asked my son: "do you get fearful?"  "No" he replied. "How about anxious?" His response is affirmative. Yes he does get anxious and as a result he is very tense and stressed out most of the time. He at least recognised that the two words are not synonymous. Yet anxiety is often used when describing severe apprehensive states rather than fear, yet often fear is more appropriate. In my opinion fear and anxiety are not the same thing, I cannot use these two words synonymously. Is the experience that a sufferer has during a full blown panic attack merely severe anxiety? No of course not this is far too tame a word to describe what happens to a sufferer of panic disorder where the sufferer is overwhelmed by intense fear, a rather more appropriate word to describe what takes during during a panic attack. Anxiety for me denotes perhaps a more persistent state of dread or dreaded anticipation, on going worries and stressful ruminations. Anxiety is more low key although it is nonetheless an awful emotion. Fear however is more intense the kind of emotion that is petrifying, in some cases literally so. It is the real meaning of the emotion that causing the flight or fight response which was required in times passed to evade danger and take appropriate action. Anxiety is more the kind of emotion which is anticipatory of situations which indeed may give rise to fear or bring about chronic worry or problems of which we wish to avoid and or dread confronting. Fear is more consuming, pervasive, overwhelming and perhaps more acute rather than chronic but this is not always the case and some unfortunate sufferers of neurotic illnesses more commonly referred to as anxiety disorders, such as those included on this website, can experience chronic states of fear. My sister was overcome with intense fear when her agoraphobia was at its most severe, paralysing crippling fear so great that it was as though an invisible barrier had been erected upon her front door step. I saw this for myself many years ago. I see her now in my mind's eye the look of utter dread: fear. In my own case with OCD and other illnesses there is a constant background anticipatory anxiety a gnawing and ever present feeling which brings with it a deep sense of despair and depression. But there is often those acute feelings of intensive apprehension  better described as fear.

Standing on the cliff at Lindisfarne recently a dog approached, my fear rises, this is not anxiety. The anxiety that presents most of the time concerns the thought that I might confront a dog at very turn has now changed to fear. It is the overwhelming emotion that now presents with intensity now that my anxiety is a reality: I am faced with the dog and I experience fear, raw unadulterated fear. This is the more intense of the two mental states.  This emotion is more powerful, it rises to my throat constricting making if difficult to swallow, my heart rate increases, my stomach surges, tightens and my muscles become tense, that is fear. My fear is so strong dogs can smell it. Dogs and other creatures can smell fear. The heightened emotion of fear produces chemicals called pheromones , most people think pheromones are to do with sexual arousal however the body expels  different sorts of pheromones in different situations and one of these is fear and dogs which have extremely sensitive olfactory capabilities can literally smell your fear. This is scientific fact it is no old wives tale or myth and that is why some dogs will home in on you, they seem to know don't’ they. Most mean no harm but they do know that you are experiencing fear which is different from anxiety as it is more intense. Not that I am of course saying that anxiety is not such problem of course it is and in some respects it is perhaps more of a problem than the acute fear which, except for an unfortunate few, will abate if one removes oneself from the fear or confronts ones fear.

I think I may have mentioned this before in a previous entry and the above is just my opinion of course. But I do rather dislike the homogeneous labelling of these two separate feelings as anxiety, such a description does not adequately describe the more intense feeling when one is confronted with ones phobia right up front and anxiety most certainly fails to adequately describe the emotion that overwhelms you during a panic attack. Perhaps labelling is unimportant, but we communicate with words do we not, we use them to describe how we feel and for me the word anxiety fails to fully described the intensity of feeling that is experienced quite regularly in the lives of those of us who suffer in this way.

June 19th

OCD is so pervasive that even your attempts at mitigating its incursions can in time become part of the problem. My attempts to keep occupied have for the most part become anxiety inducing inasmuch that I become anxious if I am not pursuing these diversions which not only help to detract but help to make me feel as though I am doing something with my time. But hey wait a moment... isn’t doing something constructive with my time a consequence of an obsession with the passing of time and my anxieties about death. Yes indeed it is. See how complex and pervasive OCD is, how subtle, how like a spiders web it weaves its way into your entire life to ensnare you even when you think that what you re doing is a positive endeavour, one which is helping to mitigate your fears But no there is OCD rearing once again its ugly head and after a while you become aware that your attempts at healing yourself have now been hijacked by OCD. You may continue to receive benefit from these distractions inasmuch as they alleviate one obsession and its compulsions but after awhile you may find that the relief is only due to the fact you have replaced one obsession with another, not of course that you intended this, at first all was well and you did not notice perhaps that as time went on OCD interfered more and more with your attempts at distraction. For instance when I first created this website all was relatively okay but after a while I began to check more and more my written work, more doubts intruded and more time was being spent on checking and rechecking and ruminating - sometimes to the extent that many things are never published.

Distraction was not of course my original motivation for creating my website site; most of the desire to do so centred upon a need to share my experiences with others and to display my sister’s patchwork which gave me the idea to create a website that focuses not only upon the negative issues but the positive ones: The fact that many people who suffer with the disorders included on my website are intelligent and creative. All was well at first apart from technical glitches but after a while obsessive compulsive behaviours crept in and have taken hold as I have already mentioned concerning compulsive checking of written work. Also I might add the need to share my experiences has began to grow from a normal desire to a compulsion of huge proportion, this perseveration has grown to such a degree that I am exhausted by trying to keep up with the flood of ideas that enter my mind, thoughts concerning OCD which seem imperative for me to relate to you - there are thoughts on other matters such as politics, the environment, animal welfare and of course religion and philosophy but I try to limit these but feel from time to time the need to include them because they are part of who I am, although who I am is yet another piece of the puzzle: who is the real me that lies behind my OCD? I cannot keep pace with the onslaught, with both this and my hyper graphical tendencies I feel now driven to keep writing more and more. As ideas enter my mind the urge to write them down is overwhelming and takes over from other activities. Such as now I am supposed to be scanning some material for may artwork which sadly takes second place but which nevertheless has also become enmeshed within OCD - I will tell you about this later because I will not rest easy until I have done so. Just before setting up the scanner an idea entered my mind the one I am writing to you about now. I intended merely to write down a reminder for later as of course if you do not do so ideas vanish from your memory so this would be normal up to a point. But it of course I went further and here I am writing frantically now despite severe pain in my neck shoulders and down my arm.

Artwork as I have mentioned is another area of preservative endeavour with its own insatiable drive. Again my mind is flooded with thoughts, ideas for projects some beyond my abilities maybe but nonetheless they remain for consideration and I feel dr