I am still not back to my usual efforts regarding this website site due to health considerations and other issues, such as right now I have a dreadful aching neck and shoulders and those all over aches which are significant in the mornings.  I am also occupied with creating a new website about sheep, which will focus on interesting aspects of sheep such as their part in history, religion, science that kind of thing, along with photographs . However the website will mainly focus on my objections to farming and in the main the purpose of this new website will concern this issue and others regarding the exploitation of animals which I hope will make others think differently about their attitudes towards animals in general but in particular farm animals and other animals who are exploited. The website will include articles on issues such as animal sentience and intelligence, particularly with regard to farm animals, as it seems there is much new research into the awareness, intelligence and  sentience of these creatures once thought by many to lack these attributes. Also articles about other issues relating to animals such as vegetarianism and other related matters.

I guess it is a personal campaign against animal abuse which is of course the case with farming. There is no such thing as animal welfare practiced in farming if at the end of the day the animal is slaughtered. Animal welfare is a term often banded about to imply that the interests and well being of an animal is of consideration in farming; the very act of taking the life of these unfortunate creatures can not be in the animal's welfare, it is not humane to deny any creature his or her life, it never was and never will be. No I do not use the word "it" as is  grammatically correct to do when referring to animals, an animal is not an it, a thing. Animals are living thinking aware beings who like you and I feel pain and fear death. An animal is an he or a she, not an "it" which implies inanimate, the word "it" is mostly used to described inanimate objects not living feeling beings. I have strong feelings about these and indeed other matters as does my husband and son and we will all be somewhat involved in the construction of my new website, my husband by supplying most of the photos, my son providing some information and hopefully an article if he can thus be persuaded as depression and stress in the matter of such tasks can make it difficult for him, he also has similar problems to myself with perfectionism so much so that it can impede this kind of endeavour and finally me writing the articles and designing and creating the actual website.

Why you might ask? To which I reply why not?  The internet has given many people a remarkable opportunity to have a say and I intend to do just that. I may make little or no difference but I just might make someone think differently about how they treat animals, maybe by becoming vegetarian or vegan which is a good start. Even if only one or two persons are effected by what I say it will be worth it. Yes there are many similar websites of course and many organisations involved but everyone has a different approach and everyone adds something unique to any cause endeavour or campaign and hopefully our new website will have its part to play in bringing about a change in our attitudes to animals.

I am not demonising people who eat meat or even your average farmer for that matter although if he neglects his animals I most certainly do or practices some of the painful and horrific procedures carried out on animals such Mulesing of lambs. Take Action: Ask Australian Prime Minister to End Lamb Mutilations.

Most people do not make a conscious decision to eat meat, rather they are simply brought up to do so as have generations before them and it has become a habit and something few people question, although in more recent times many people have become vegetarian or vegan because of ethical considerations concerning animals. Even some farmers may not think things through on a deeper level, after all sending their animals to market rather blurs the issue of what eventually becomes of them. Recently a farmer gave up farming because he simply could not cope with sending his pigs to market, so sometimes people do become aware and hopefully my website may have some small role in increasing such awareness.  I do however wish to demonise the abattoir whose workers cannot be given the benefit of the doubt, there can be no misconception here or thoughtless habit involved, the inhumanity and cruelty is blatantly obvious. It is beyond my comprehension how anyone can slaughter day in and day out thinking feeling creatures. Tiny lambs, 15 million each year in the UK, sometimes only weeks old, calves, pigs, paltry. What kind of a person does this, not someone with whom I would wish to associate.

I hope you will visit my new website if and when it is published to the net. I have not abandoned this website but it has taken a back seat as it is a huge undertaking to create a new website and to revamp this one, which is another task I am attempting. I intend to change the name of this website which will increase my work further but the present name is awkward, at times even I cannot correctly type the url in the address field. I am hoping the new name will be :www.OCD-plus.net. But of course until the time arrives in October I cannot be certain but will let you all know nearer the time.

July15th

"Telling someone of a nervous disposition to calm down is a waste of time, according to scientists who have found that a nervous disposition may be something people are born with.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin discovered that the brains of rhesus monkeys which suffered from an anxious disposition are wired differently, and thus, they suffer stress regardless of their circumstances." The Independent

Read the full article Suffering stress? You may have been born anxious - Health News, Health & Wellbeing

Please note I am against the exploitation of animals in any way and this includes experimentation. Becasue of my feelings in this regard I was hesitant, undecided whether or not to include this link. However the information is of importance to those of us who suffer with anxiety and not including this article would be an empty gesture. Such complex ruminations concerning ethical issues according to ones personal perspective are of course part of OCD for many sufferers and this includes myself, although anyone who has similar opinions as I about such issues or indeed any ethical issue would of course have to ponder the matter and make a decision, as of course ethical dilemmas are not the prerogative of people with Scrupulosity OCD, but such deliberation would perhaps not be taken to such an extent as is the case for me due to my OCD. So after much consideration I have included the link but I have to at least state my objections concerning animal experimentation, even though this particular experiment appears to be merely observation, as I have very strong feelings about the way animals are treated and feel we have no right to exploit other animals in any way.

Now back to the article

Not only is it a waste of time to tell someone to calm down it in fact adds extra anxiety to the situation along with guilt and feelings of inadequacy. It is no more possible for me to calm down and control my anxiety than it is for me to control my headaches by simply making an effort. In fact telling people that they can control their anxiety can lead to feelings of guilt making the person feel that it is down to them that it is his or her responsibility. Such misplaced advice may in fact increase anxiety and stress. This in my experience leads to depression and frustration even though for me personally I have realised for so long that my anxiety, stress and depression are beyond my volition to control, at least to a degree to entirely irradiate them. This is most certainly the case with free floating anxiety, and I would image is also the case with the more acute panic attacks,  which appears to arise without any perceivable circumstance.

Before I continue please note that although one cannot prevent anxiety or stress arising if you have such a predisposition, it is possible to mitigate its effects with, for instance, relaxation techniques.

With OCD of course it may appear that most of the anxiety is generated by the thoughts which arise as a result of having OCD, and indeed intrusive thoughts do of course generate anxiety and this may cloud the issue. Often though with any anxiety disorder such as OCD there is a general background of anxiety.

I would take this than a stage further and consider that the condition of OCD and other anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia are in themselves brain malfunctions rather than the result of circumstances or upbringing. Most certainly anxiety with a less obvious cause than frightening intrusive thoughts is always present even if there is no on going OCD thinking taking place, although sadly in my case this rarely ever happens. However there is background anxiety in the quieter moments. My son with AS is probably a better example of this kind of free floating anxiety which is present without an obvious source or sources he can clearly identify or sources which would not normally bring about anxiety in persons not effected in this way. According to my understanding many people on the autism spectrum have this kind of general anxiety, an ever present pervasive non specific anxiety.

Throughout my entire life I have been made to feel that somehow I have control over my anxiety, that if only I could look at this or that situation rationally from a more normal perspective than I could reduce my anxiety and when this strategy fails to work you are made to feel as though you did not really try hard enough, at least this is implied and sometimes even stated in no uncertain terms. I was once told that my son's growing tendency towards anxiety was due to the fact that I had an anxiety disorder and that his was learnt behaviour and... yes It was my fault.

It does look as though anxiety is a result of the way our brain's are wired and in time maybe there will be some way to mitigate this impediment. That is not to say psychology is of no use but rather as an adjunct than a cure, a means to help cope with symptoms rather than irradiate them. After all a psychological approach such as CBT is used to help people cope with conditions such as chronic pain and indeed any physical condition; to aid in some way towards developing a more positive outlook can be of help to anyone in coping with life's difficulties, but not as a cure all.

It should be mentioned perhaps that of course everyone feels anxiety and stress from time to time, this is normal, a result of difficult  circumstances. In fact in our modern society anxiety and stress are prevalent.  However those of us who may have a  predisposition will be less able to cope with stressful occurrences that others take in their stride or eventually recover from.

I guess it all depends upon your perspective whether or not you consider the findings of the above research a positive advancement in the understanding of anxiety disorders.  Some people may feel that this may be a negative discovery, which is as of yet not conclusive, and brings about a feeling of hopelessness.  However a cure will never be forthcoming if we cannot face the situation, if anxiety is the result of a neurological  disorder, a malfunction of the brain than we need to be ware of this, to accept it otherwise we cannot make progress towards alleviating or even curing any condition until the nature of the condition is fully understood. Being told that ones anxiety is the result of circumstances or negative thinking will do nothing to help effect a cure if this is not the cause of the condition, rather it in my opinion not only brings about increased feelings of despair but feelings of guilt and frustration as we struggle to adjust our thinking and perspective and still find we cannot control either our anxiety or our negative thinking.

Furthermore negative thinking may also be beyond our control to rectify. I can practice the technique of self talk until it in itself becomes a repetitive compulsion with no effect. Many people with OCD know the irrationality of their behaviours and many can present the rational perspective either alone or with the assistance of therapy such as CBT, but despite such endeavours still the thoughts come and still we pay heed to them as if it is beyond our power to ignore them as though all the rationalisation has had no effect whosoever on our perspective. I am only speaking from my own experience of course and other sufferers may not experience the difficulties I have faced when struggling to combat my OCD.  The only way forward for me in the past has been to ignore the thoughts and compulsions, rather than to rationalise them as the OCD thoughts are just too powerful. This works for a while if you have the right support and bloody determination. However somewhat like the cigarette smoker who after a few days finds his cravings have become more powerful he than gives into the build up of such pressures, rather like the pressure of water that bursts the dam. It is not easy day in and day out to confront our thoughts and take determined action against them, our OCD generated thoughts are a powerful adversary and it takes courage to do that which you are afraid to do, particualry something which you feel will cause harm to others even if your common sense tells you otherwise 

We should never feel guilty or ashamed that we cannot overcome our difficulties. Yes some people with OCD are more successful than others at coping with this disorder and at times even these people can become intolerant or judgmental concerning the inability of their fellow sufferers who present with a more severe and seemingly intractable form of the condition. OCD like any other illness presents in a varying degrees. Sadly sometimes rather like the person who quits smoking who becomes even less tolerant of those who have been less successful, those who make progress with their OCD fail to understand why others are not able to do so.  

Well must leave it there as there is the real urge to ramble on and on about this or there are just so many thoughts in my mind about this and one thought leads to another and it is exhausting. More writing generates more thoughts and I cannot keep pace

July 27th

I am really very behind with publishing my entries and wonder if it is worth now doing so but it would simply be too depressing for me to delete them. I have so many anxieties about the passing of time and wasting time can bring about feelings of depression.  I feel really extra depressed right now and it is a struggle to come here and write anything. Yes as I have mentioned before I am in the throes of creating a second website and revamping this one, but there is a certain apathy also about writing for my blog as it is exhausting, too many thoughts I feel I would like to share with you but the very act of writing generates an overwhelming amount of ideas and right now I can't cope with it all. I have also considerable neck pain, and the general aches and pains which I have explained before and which this past week have been just awful, have not only increased my depression but also makes sitting here typing painful and exacerbates these symptoms.

Yes I know its all very repetitive lately and perhaps I should check previous entries to avoid the monotony but I simply do not have the time and hey I am ill, quite ill in fact, debilitatingly ill. Sometimes I think when you try to overcome your conditions and attempt to work through them the less people understand how incapacitated you are and how difficult your life is and they than expect more than you are able to give.

Few people seem to be visiting anyway and sometimes I think it matters not what I write and I intend to express more freely my opinions on things that matter to me, or which make me angry, stressed, depressed or whatever. For instance my growing anger at greedy money grabbing energy providers and indeed all money grabbing corporations. Yesterday it seems one of these greedy providers have stated they intend to increase gas prices by 25 percent and electricity by 17 percent! And again in the autumn by another 25 percent.  Greedy . If there is an energy shortage and the cost of petrol is resulting in an increase in the prices of gas and electricity than they should take a cut in the huge profits they already accrue instead of ripping off consumers who have no alternative other than to either pay up, and most likely get into debt by doing so, or freeze to death which of course is what will happen to many people. We shall not be putting on our heating until the evening, I am dreading the winter, it isn't nice to be cold when you are ill, when you ache all over and have  headaches or feel depressed. And my health problems of course compared to many people are less severe and not specifically effected by cold conditions, nonetheless if adds misery to an already difficult life as I am sure those who suffer in similar ways will understand. Our difficulties concerning heating however are accentuated because we live in a house that is mostly built of stone; it takes longer to get warm and the addition of still unresolved damp problems reducing our heating will be of considerable detriment.

I get so angry at times that it is unbearable and I have become not to like or tolerate anyone in this every-man-for-himself uncaring society. An example of such self serving mentality is the closure of post offices, our local spot office closed earlier this month.  Now locals have to travel over three miles to the nearest post office. Many people in the area are elderly, three miles is a long way on public transport if you are not well. The cost of petrol  and bus fares is considerable and at a time of crisis due to rising petrol prices and advice to cut down the use of petrol becasue of global warming these closures are a fine example of the greedy every-man-for-himself mentality. The post office share holders won't loose out and will continue to make a profit for a decreasingly poor service to the public. And the more serious circumstances globally concerning the greed of the few causes millions of people to die for want of food and medical attention and it sickens me and depresses me.

It also  makes me depressed and angry as millions of animals are slaughtered every year. This is not only a detriment to animals but also to the environment and contributes to starvation. It is not a necessity to eat meat to have a healthy diet, eating meat is an anachronism which now needs to be consigned to history as was slavery.

I come on strong like this all the time ranting and raging and right now I don't give dam what anyone thinks and will even voice my opinions loudly in public such as in the supermarket when the prices of even staples such as potatoes have been hiked up yet again, nearly very week the price of potatoes rises. This week the cheapest is £1.49 for 5 kilos, a few months ago they where about 85 pence. I refused to buy any.  The sickening apathy of people today who continue to put up with this kind of thing along with the continual exploitation and pillage of the planet to gratify the greedy appetites of the few who require so much at the expensive of the many. If there are food shortages it needs to be rationed as does energy or any other commodity. Of course there are and have always been people starving who need not have, as even in our over populated society there is enough to feed everyone and without recourse to killing animals either. People starve mainly because of greed, the power struggles of war and the unfair distribution of resources.

I know we are all only human and greed is innate, we all want comfortable homes, a good life but at the expensive of others...? Most of us including myself often buy things we do not need and cannot afford, rather like overeating it is a form of comfort but also like overeating it creates more problems in the long run not only for ourselves but also for others, both human and other animals and indeed the entire planet.

Will end this rabble now as I will simply go on and on even though my neck and back is aching like hell and I have now more corrections to edit and consequently more OCD checking to do.

Do I feel better now?  No sadly I don't as one feels so helpless against the onslaught but at least I can give my opinion here. I think few people visit here now except advertisers wanting me to link to inappropriate websites such as for sun glasses to name just one recent request. It is all people think about today, not just making money to live as is normal and necessary but accruing increasing amounts of stagnant money which either sits in their bank accounts or other investments or is used to finance decadent lifestyles or acquire even more money.

Back to more mundane matters.

I do question why I do this, why I write this blog, it can be stressful, frustrating exhausting, it creates obsessions and compulsions like you cannot believe unless you are of course like me and I imagine many people are, for OCD will always interfere with any endeavour. But if I was not obsessing, ruminating and worrying about this than there would only be other obsessions and compulsions arising from whatever activity I was engaged in. 

I have not updated my website since April and I regret this and will try to at least include some new photographs in a couple of weeks and I have a new poem from an OCD suffer which I hope to include soon. My new version of this website may not be ready by October as I planned as time seems to be flying by and it is a huge task. I will however be changing the name in October and hopefully it will be easier to find. 

I may be offline again for a couple of weeks in August as my computer is really grinding to a halt and needs files sorting out, burning to disk as there is so much stuff on here, mostly photographs, that the whole system is sluggish which does not help and leads to frustrations and mad stressful dashes to the local computer supplier when the whole system breaks down which happened a couple of weeks ago.

July 28th

At last summer has arrived, it's hot, really hot something we have not had to this extent for a few years now. We where in the Lake district yesterday rather a nightmare really too hot to do much of anything but its nice to see the sun and everything looks better in the sunshine as even in a scenic place dull overcast weather detracts somewhat.

Well I hope to publish as soon as I have finished this short entry if I do not publish today I will obsess about the previous entries and find myself tomorrow morning checking them all again and even adding more as I done this morning. I am obsessing now! Its an agony of mental torture, how I envy those who can freely express themselves with out the hindrance of social impairments or OCD.