Today the weather is thoroughly miserable, at least yesterday’s snow
was bright The gentle fall of snow I find relaxing and I felt annoyed
when someone went on about the forecast of rain during the night as
though this was an improvement. If today is anything to go by it most
certainly is not as the day is dull dreary and damp with grimy clumps of
washed out snow clinging tenaciously refusing to leave.
I find increasingly that I am becoming more sensitive. A trip to the
cinema to see “I Am Legend “ I found disturbingly depressing and felt
really genuinely sad as the plot slowly unfolds concerning the fate of
the seemingly sole survivor of some dire catastrophe and his dog. On
some level nowadays even with fictitious scenarios there is a sense of
sadness; even though I know of course it is fiction it takes on a
feeling of personal loss. This is difficult to describe. I had not
really taken in exactly what this film was about thinking it was some
sort of futuristic post nebular holocaust rather than a very depressing
scenario of a cure for cancer by the manipulation of a virus gone
horribly wrong resulting in a devastating plague. At one point the symptoms
of this new engineered disease being compared to rabies most certainly
did not help. Not the best scenario for a contamination anxiety OCD
sufferer such as myself, not that of course a nuclear holocaust is not
depressing but for me not in the same way as the annihilation of the
human race, which I think also included mammals, by a virus or other
pathogen. My son doesn't understand this after all death is death and
radiation sickness is... well like a disease. But somehow it is
different. I don’t really think about or particularly fear a nuclear
holocaust although of course I would not want this to happen and no
doubt like everyone else if the unthinkable happened I would be afraid.
But there is something awful about disease which seems for me personally
more horrific and I have been anxious during the recent SARS and bird
flu scares yet never ever recall being anxious at the prospect of
a nuclear disaster. Not even during the Cuban crisis, although I was only a child
the comments of my mother would have scared anyone to death, but for me
I never really connected this possibility with reality.
Fear is an odd thing; we can feel exaggerated fear over something
that in reality we perhaps do not need to be fearful of and yet not
exhibit fear when perhaps it is more appropriate to be afraid. During
the mid eighties during an hurricane which unexpectedly hit the south
east with wind velocities of over one hundred miles an hour I really was
not afraid, in fact I found it exhilarating, awesome despite the fact
the we lived in a timber framed cottage and as such may have been more
susceptible to serious structural damage resulting in injury more so
than most of our neighbours. The next morning I was rather non pulsed
when my mother rang up concerned. About what ? I thought at first she
had rang because there was something wrong but with her rather than with
me and my family. And afterwards, the way other people spoke of how
afraid they were, when here was I normally an anxious fearful person who
actually enjoyed it. Apart from the loss of frozen food due to power
cuts I was delighted to have both my son and husband home for an
unexpected holiday. In fact in some bizarre way it helped also to
distract for a time from my OCD , yes I even felt a hint of excitement.
Mostly I go to the cinema for my husband and son although of course
there are occasions when I do actually enjoy a film or at least find it
reasonably entertaining without being too depressing or plan and simply
boring. I don't know if this is due to depression but recently there are
few films I enjoy, or TV dramas come to that, not that enjoy is a word I
can use nowadays concerning anything as most facets of my life are
impeded by OCD. Everything seems pointless, bland, boring and I find
myself sitting there and wondering what the hell is the point. It feels
as though one is living life vicariously through another and when this
includes tragedy ,loss, bereavement it can at times feel as though this
is personal and is vicariously felt as my loss. Conversely joy,
happiness or indeed any kind of positivity is never experienced
vicariously in the
same way, only the negative events.
Concerning most films nowadays there for me is little in the way of
entertainment. I mean really what is entertaining about the
annihilation of the human via a virus which wipes out billions leaving a
handful of people remaining who due to the effects of the disease become
dangerous mutants who wiped out most of the small number of the
population who had a natural immunity. I mean how it this entertaining,
you do not go away feeling happy unless there is something very
seriously wrong with you. Perhaps there is a certain amount of suspense
but frankly I have enough anxiety of my own to contend with. I felt
really sad when the dog died, on the verge of tears. I think we have
enough personal sorrow in our lives, we all do at sometime, but for
those of us who it appears are hypersensitive this sorrow can so easily
be brought to the fore over increasingly more and more circumstances
even those of a fictitious nature.
January 6th
Oh the complications of life with OCD! I cannot get my usual paint-on
varnish to varnish my paintings. The one I bought causes streaking no
matter how careful I am and as a consequence a painting may have been
spoilt. The alternative is an aerosol of spray on varnish. I am not keen
as the fine particles of the varnish, which result from application in
this manner, are more easily absorbed into the lungs. Yes I could wear a
mask but the type that would prevent my breathing in such a find spray
is expensive and not easy to obtain. The instruction on the tin simply
advises working in a ventilated area and not breathing in fumes, which
short of holding your breath is somewhat difficult, however the
instructions do not mention a mask. There are no dire warnings, such as
“solvents can kill “ or a skull and cross bones label which appears on
anti-freeze, incidentally we never use antifreezes becasue of this.
However it is not simply the case of my coming to grief by breathing in
the fumes as I am sure I can hold my breath long enough to do so, than
rush out of the room having first opened the windows to let the fumes
disperse. No indeed with my OCD it is of course more complex even than
that, which of course to many would appear extreme anyway. Although my
advice concerning the use of such chemicals is that one can never be too
careful or too complacent I may however treat the matter more extremely
than most, but this is of course natural as a sufferer of OCD.
With OCD comes a whole new dimension of perspective, one riddled with
anxiety. If I was to spray the varnish onto the painting naturally more
than the painting will be covered by the varnish, some will get on my
hair, my cloths and anything in close proximity unlike the paint-on
variety which is applied more directly to the canvas and more easily
contained, controlled. Yes I am aware of course that even this method of
application, although more confined will create fumes as of course
smells are small airborne particles of the substance. Uggghhh that
thought is so unsettling and always comes to mind when I am out and
about and may be subjected to odd chemical smells which waft in the air
from time to time or in the countryside , manure or even in the city the
stench of an unclean public toilets.
With a spray more of these particles will get into the air and on to my
cloths hair and so on. The concern here is about it getting on my
clothes and poisoning someone or some creature. This is how this fear
works: if I leave the house with particles of varnish on my cloths and
hair I become anxious should even one particle come into contact with a
person or an animal. Such as it falls from my hair on to the ground
where it may ingested by an animal, someone's dog for example, even an
insect. If it falls from my hair or clothing onto food or onto anything
which another person will touch I fear this may cause harm. I try to
rationalise this by telling myself that so dangerous a substance would
of course not be sold to the general public, but rationalisation has
little or no effect when one is in the throes of OCD’s perverted
perspective.
To avoid this I will have to varnish my paintings before showering and
getting dressed. This means at about 5am instead of coming to work on my
computer as is usually the case for me before even showering and
changing I will need to go into my already unheated bathroom and open
the windows. Stand my painting on an easel, spray it with varnish,
whilst holding my breath and leave the room for a while for the fumes to
disperse and than showering and putting on fresh cloths and putting my
nightclothes into the wash, which I do anyway each day. If I did not do
it this way I could not use the varnish because of my fears of causing
harm. I have about twenty paintings to treat in this way. I know writing
it now just how ludicrous it sounds, it certainly is and it is a misery.
The mornings are my worse time of the day when my perspective is less
rational, when I am at my most anxious and depressed. However to leave
it until later I would finish up showering again and putting on clean
cloths. Sometimes one has to work as best one can around ones OCD,
partially for me now as I grow older and it appears more so that my OCD
is intractable. It is either work round the obsessions and compulsions
as best I can or become totally incapacitated by my OCD. I will let you
know how this fiasco works out as I have not yet tried to do this and
will most likely procrastinate for some time trying to find the courage
and motivation . I can only varnish one painting at a time so it means a
few days of this misery.
I was really annoyed with the manufacturers for running out of my usual
brand. The shop had ordered it but no the manufacturer had run out. This
was nearly a month ago. It drives me crazy sometimes and life seems so
difficult and as someone said recently nothing is ever easy. But keep in
mind that for people like me who suffer so much fear and anxiety
everything in life becomes a nightmare of frustration, and the slightest
thing that goes wrong or is difficult becomes exaggerated in ones mind
and becomes a disaster, a catastrophe and I became irritable angry. I
even start worrying about not getting any varnish anywhere in time for
the inhabitation despite there being some time to go before the
exhibition but it really played on my mind about this varnish, that is
in-between all the other grinding misery conjured in my mind by OCD
January 10th
Below is link to an interesting article concerning stress and anxiety
and the possible role these conditions play in the casusation of
diseases such as heart disease, diabetes depression and even cancer.
Stress causes whole body deterioration
I was rather hesitant whether or not to include this article here
even though I thought it might be of interest. One of the main reasons
for my hesitation is the fact that the research involved experimentation
on animals, rats, albeit mainly in the form of behavioural observation.
However if such is carried out in a laboratory this interferes with the
animal's well-being to some degree. I would therefore like to state
that I am categorically one hundred percent against animal experiments
under any circumstances and that includes medical research.
Animals are sentient creatures, they feel pain and fear in much
the same way as we do and to cause any creature to suffer these
condtions is to my way of thinking totally abhorrent. I agonised
over the decision to include this article but my not doing so will not
of course have any effect one way or another on this dreadful practice.
Besides on reflection including this article gives me an opening to
express my thoughts concerning the atrocity of experimenting on animals,
which is to me an abhorrent.
The article however may be of interest to a number of you as it helps
to perhaps gain some insight into why our level of anxiety becomes
increasingly more and more sensitive to smaller and small stimuli.
I could of course have told any researcher this , it is common sense is
it not. I imagine that most of us who are chronic sufferers of anxiety
and stress have noticed how anxiety and stress generate further anxiety
and stress. Over the years this anxiety increases to such a degree that we
constantly feely anxious and stressed most if not all the time, and we
find that as the years go by the tiny difficulties in our lives with
which others cope without even thinking become monumental obstacles,
which result in enormous increases anxiety and stress disproportionate
to the situation, at least by normal consideration. Surely most of us
have noticed this. Furthermore the presentation of any of the these
conditions such as heart disease further increases our anxiety which is
naturally a detriment. I can't imagine anyone being told that they have
a serious disease not being anxious.
Although migraine is not mentioned in this particular research many
people assume it is related to stress. Most certainly migraine will
cause anxiety, stress, even fear and the occurrence of frequent attacks
will inevitably perpetuate and increase existing anxiety and stress
still further in an increasing downward spiral of incapacitating
illnesses. Last December I had twelve attacks, during the last
three days I have had three on three consecutive days. I was in agony
last night, even with the help of Diclofenac it is a situation which
provokes in me such fear should my medication for some reason cease to
be effective. Particularly as the onset of last nights headache
presented barely sixteen hours after the previous attack. As I suffer
also with chronic daily headache which at times can feel similar to
migraine I have to wait some hours before taking my migraine medication
as I need to be certain that I take my medication for the right headache
as making a mistake will mean hours of pain if later on a migraine
presents before the sixteen hour gap between doses has expired. Moreover
the depression which result from the frequency of this condition is
considerable as it is a great impediment to my life, and remember of
course this is in addition to suffering severe OCD. You would need to be
a saint in order for this condition not to effect your
stress , anxiety and depression levels, particularly with such frequent
incidence. Sitting here now today I have a twinge of head pain, at
times such twinges can bring about severe anxiety so much so to be
experienced as fear. This is particularly so if I am away from home
"The World Health Organization ranked migraine attacks as one of the
most disabling conditions known to mankind" says said Dr. Stephen
Silberstein, director of the Jefferson Headache Centre at Thomas
Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia. It is not surprising
therefore that even sitting here now writing about my migraine generates
an increase in my anxiety.
Secondly I was anxious to include this article because often such
information may increase stress. Being told that the anxiety and stress
that we are sadly unable to control may result in the possibilty of
serious illnesses can increase further not only our stress but also make
us feel frustrated, even angry as we are left to our own devices to
fight a battle which we appear to be unable to win. Sometimes such
knowledge may make us even more stressed. However such information may
help to increase insight into what is happening and why. I suffer
so many illnesses which may or may not be stress related. But if these
are indeed part of our conditions we should never feel guilty or weak
that we cannot control our anxiety or stress. Often being told that this
or that is a result of anxiety, stress or depression can often leave one
feeling guilty and hopeless and increase our stress and anxiety further.
Moreover oftentimes struggling to control anxiety, which may in any case
be beyond our control such as for instance during the effects of
anxiety experienced during a panic attack, may actually create more
stress. Yes indeed struggling to relax because we are fearful of the
consequences of our stress when under the throes of severe anxiety can
make one feel anything but less stressed.
However one should not consider such information as the above
research as an absolute fact as often illnesses associated with stress
do not present in everyone who is stressed. For instance it is assumed
that stress and anxiety will result in high blood pressure. I am
severely stressed, anxiety is a constant companion, most days my
heart may pound with fear, a lump constricts my throat, I m never
relaxed . Yet I have text book perfect blood pressure . Amazing!
Also in this research it appears to be considered that anxiety and
stress is learned from parents. Personally I believe, particularly
concerning anxiety disorders, that these arise as a result of a genetic
predisposition and it therefore may appear this way. It is most likely
that although the stress the child or children of anxious parents
exhibits - particualry parents with a specific diagnosable anxiety
disorder such as panic disorder or OCD - may appear to be learned
behaviours, it is however more likely that the child has the same gene
for the susceptibility towards these conditions and exhibits similar
behaviours as the result of this inherited predisposition rather than
from the result of learned behaviour.
The above six paragraphs are my interpretations and opinions
concerning this article . Therefore you are advised to read the article
and form your own interpretations.
January 12th
From this Saturday Jan 12th due to illnesses and other commitments such as my
exhibition I will only be available to respond to e-mail on three days
each week: Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. Please continue to write as
usual but do understand that there may be a delay. I will endeavour as
far as possible notwithstanding illness, computer problems or other
adversity to reply on one of those days. Please read the reasons
why below.
I am now receiving so much e-mail
that it is impossible to respond every day.
I find that I cannot easily make the transition from one activity to
another. The following concerning making the transition from writing
e-mail to doing other activities is an example of this problem. If when
I come to work on my computer and respond to e-mail I than find it
difficult to turn my focus to do other things such as write articles, or
blog entries or do other work on my website. I find I can only
focus on one task at a time, I cannot flit from one thing to another as
I loose the thread so to speak and cannot refocus my attention on the
new activity. So after writing a couple of e-mails which may take a couple
of hours or more I cannot than go on to write my articles or a blog entity as I
cannot change my focus easily to do this different task. The answer
therefore is for me to have a routine. On certain days I focus on
replying and writing e-mail and other days I will write articles or do
other work on my computer. I am a person who needs routine and
this is really the only way now I can cope.
Also concerning e-mail it can at times be stressful because of all my
OCD compulsions which require me to edit and check and check over and
over for mistakes and worrying about writing something which may be
perceived as harmful. I have written extensively about this here on my
blog and will not today elaborate further, a compulsion of mine which I
must make some effort to ignore. The point is that although I am
pleased as always to hear from fellow sufferers and other interested
parties it is exhausting because of my difficulties with writing,
particualry e-mail as this is more difficult than writing a blog entry
or article. I apologise for any inconvenience but I am sure most
of you will understand.
It is amazing though that some people may not understand
this, even fellow OCD sufferers. Sadly I have found of late that some sufferers cannot or will not try
to understand the difficulties other sufferers have if their OCD
manifests in a different way. This maybe because they are simply too ill
to comprehend; locked within their own fearful world the anxieties
and illnesses of another may seem unreal, trivial even.
This does not only apply to OCD of course.
I recall my sister telling me that just because a group of people all
have agoraphobia does not mean they all can empathise with, accept and understand one
another. There are times when one person who can for instance perhaps leave his home
to go to the corner shop, albeit with considerable determination and
much anxiety, cannot understand the more severely effected agoraphobic
who cannot even leave his bed room or in extreme circumstances, as was
the case of a friend of my sister's, leave her bed. Yes indeed it
is not easy to understand another's problems and although I have most
obsessions and compulsions it seems to one degree or another that there are times when I personally do not understand another
sufferer's type of OCD. However I do recognise that just like me that
this person's life is tormented and detrimentally effected by their
particular manifestation of OCD and I do my best accommodate them. But I
am only human and make mistakes and this is why e-mail can be difficult
as it causes me to ruminate and feel guilty.
This I will explain in more detail in further entries although I
imagine I have touched on this in past entries.
Please do not be put off writing to me I love to hear from visitors
to this website, it is just that it will help me cope better if I only
respond to e-mail on certain days. It is for me a better more organised
routine and is more suitable for my temperament and the difficulties I
have with the transition from one task to another. Please continue to
write as before but please bear in mind that you may not receive an
immediate response. Please also keep in mind I am simply a sufferer of
OCD, I am not a counsellor or therapist of any kind and as much as I
would like to help others I am sadly not in a position to do so.
If you are having problems and need help please consult a person
suitably qualified to do so.
It has become a compulsion to respond the same day and I am
struggling to break this compulsion as I am not well enough to do so and
it has become rather a torment with my getting up earlier to do so
despite often being unwell.
I am trying this routine as an experiment if it does not work out I
will continue as before. The important thing is please do continue
writing, even if there is a considerable delay in my response please be
assured sort of a major tragedy at some point I will respond.
Yes of course this is all very obsessive/compulsive; I am obsessing
as I do about everything in my entire life. I have OCD and this sadly
will reflect in every facet of my life. I can't imagine anyone really
cares if they receive a delayed reply or no reply at all, a reply from
me will not effect anyone's life in any significant way. However if I do
not tell you of my intentions I will feel anxiety and the compulsion to
check my e-mail everyday and respond straight the way which right now is
difficult for the reasons stated above and also due to an increase in my
OCD and other conditions particualry migraine and depression.
Jan 14th
Today I felt as though I simply did not want to get out of bed , It
has been this way now for many months but today I felt so wretched . At
one time the computer delivered me from the torment of the morning
invasion of worrying OCD thoughts. Even though I had to get out of bed
during the wee small hours of the morning to escape the torment the
computer was a considerable help and incentive to do so. However now it
is more difficult and I tend to lie there depressed and
notwithstanding the continual stream of intrusive thoughts I find it
increasingly difficult to get out of bed and come and work on my
computer as I once did.
When I first bought my compter it was like a breeze of fresh air into
my life and it become an excellent distraction, at least against the
more ruminative morbid intrusive type of OCD. Particularly in those days
when my husband was at work and my son at college and I was left
alone for hours on end. Creating my website in the last four years
at first gave me enormous satisfaction. Here I could publish my book ,
an endeavour that due to illness had taken ten years to complete but
which sadly alas no publisher was interested in publishing.
The creation of a website had been in my mind for many years right
from the time we bought our first computer, in the days when the
internet was a tool for information, much of it disseminated freely and
not the capitalistic commercialised tool for advertising that it is now
where very man had his dog tries to sell just about anything and
everything. It was once a source of artistic information and inspiration
where you could download photos to paint with out a list of restrictions
as long as your arm even when it is for free download. I have OCD scrupulosity, but even if I did
not I imagine I would try to respect the rights of others to restrict the use of their
work even if it forbids the use of photography for painting albeit at
times with much annoyance. I mean really! How many people realise it is
strictly specking a violation of copyright to paint from a photograph
taken by some else. Crazy!
The internet was once a place to acquire the lasted
information on medical research free now more often than not a research
paper requires a fee, oftentimes a considerable one at that.
The internet in the main has changed so much in the last nearly eight
years since I first came on-line. Advertising greets you everywhere,
flashes across the page, unfurls if you accidentally move your mouse in
the wrong place. My ISP once had no advertising , than it was a discreet
banner now it is pop-ups, even animated mini movies. What a check don't
you think, when you pay a subscription to be inundated with advertising.
Yes there are adds on my website but all are for charities for which I
receive no payment but still I guess they are adds nonetheless.
How the
internet has changed a lot of late but sadly not for the better.
Recently with one thing and another I feel less and less comfortable and
in some aspects I feel increasingly stressed by the attitudes and
behaviours of people on-line. Again recently I was accused of spamming
when I mentioned my website and my book when responding to a post.
It had taken a huge amount of courage for me to post this
response, the only perosn who directly commented on my post said that it
was a good first post however there followed a sarcastic remark implying
that my response contained Spam. Spam! What Spam? I had mentioned
my book as this was appropriate to the subject under discussion and
included a link to the main website and a separate link to my blog. This
person also has a link to his blog which appears after every one of his posts. So...
still mystified. I challenged the poster pointing out I was not selling
anything and there was nothing whatsoever commercial about my website
but received no response so still rather in the dark on that one.
If anyone would care to contact me with a clear definition about what
is and what is not Spam it would be appreciated. If I can't mention my
website when posting to a forum this will limit the number of new
visitors I get, as of course as I have previously said my website comes
no where near the top of any search engine although this blog lists
quite high. Except during the time when my website came on-line I do not
go to post on forums with the sole intention of promoting my website, it
is only included in my post if it is relevant to the particular thread I am
responding to or to the topic I introduce.
Moreover my problems with writing is increasing. More and more I appear
to lack the co-ordination to type and to do so fast enough to keep pace
with my thoughts which do not present in a manner that is easily written
without considerable effort to translate my thoughts into words. Rather
like the difficulties I have with speaking I need a considerable time to
process information and form it into words, even information and
thoughts that I myself have generated .I have to do so as quickly as
possible otherwise the train of thought
is lost, yet I can't spell so there is yet another impediment and also I
can't type without looking at the keyboard and my typing is
uncoordinated.
So in order to write I have to translate my thoughts into words and
this does not come easily I can assure you and when it comes to e-mail
often I have no idea what to say as in this form of writing sometimes
the thoughts do not come at all. Sometimes someone will tell me
something and I have no idea what to say and it is a struggle.
Conversely once I begin writing it is difficult stop and I become
irritated, exhausted. With the writing of articles yet again there are
many times there is nothing in my mind while at other times it pours in
and the anxiety to write it all down becomes a huge stress, my shoulders
and neck aching and I can't stop writing but as I have have shown you
before it is a jumble of misspelled words and typing errors and that dam
caps lock which is on now as I write this and I have to go back and retype. I have a
compulsion to write, at times there are so many thoughts in my mind,
things I want to say but the hindrance of trying to find the find the
right word than trying to spell it, at least with some semblance of
accuracy to register the correct spelling with the word processor, and
than trying to put my fingers on the right keys . Sometimes this
is so wearying.
Oftentimes now when I start to write more and more thoughts
flood in and I get frustrated, irritated and can't cope with it all to
the extent that I become afraid to begin to type as more and more
thoughts pour in and the compulsion to write is overwhelming and
trying to spell and type just so exhausting . Of late I have
dreaded getting up and starting to write anything, everything...Oh no
caps lock on again aggghhhhhhhh I kid you not. So many many times
this happens. There are times I feel like giving up, people do not
understand how difficult things are for me. I appear to lack the
coordination to write, I have found that this has effected my
motivation to write or do much of anything and getting up to work on my
website has become rather a chore. Naturally of course depression plays
a significant role here, that heavy weariness bearing down on my chest.
Well if you have ever been depressed you know what I mean and lets face
it there can't be any one nor indeed any creature that does not
get depressed; pet owners will I am sure have noticed that an animal may
become depressed . So most of us know what it feels like even if we have
only experienced this occasionally in response to life's adversities
which few if anyone escapes. However having that feeling present each
and everyday to
some degree or another with little or no respite saps motivation,
paints life with a tinge of grey, everything becomes a burden and even
so called pleasurable pursuits become dulled and met with apathy. I
can't recall the last time I did not feel the burden of depression
over my heart. it is not easy and I have to force myself at times
to do most things not only my writing. Oh if only something nice would
happen but when you are depressed you miss the little positives, however
from my perspective these seem few and far between.
January17th
My throat is constricted my stomach is churning and my left leg has
gone numb. An odd assortment of anxiety symptoms nonetheless these and
other odd symptoms appear to accompany moments of extra anxiety. A
kind of odd panic attack
I can taste it on my lips, feel it in my mouth, the fumes waft up the
stairs and I can smell it here now. It is 6am and half an hour ago I
finally decided to try that spray varnish I mentioned in a previous
entry which I was anxious to use. I prepare myself in the way describe
in the aforesaid entry, opened the window, sprayed the varnish onto my
painting in I fear a far too copious amount and fled the room slamming
the door behind me.
I decided the only way to carry out this task which would cause the
least degree of panic was in the bathroom with the windowing wide open
in the early hours of the morning before I showered and dressed. Well
all that is explained in the entry on January 6th. However as the toilet is
also in the bathroom I am anxious now of going in there, but necessity
requires I do, enhanced further no doubt by my anxiety. Silly me I had
forgotten this of course.
I can't describe how panicky I feel, as a person so sensitive to
smells it is so overwhelming. I was indeed rather shocked just how strong the fumes where and the warning on the
tin echoed round my mind: don't breath in the fumes . Somewhat
difficult with the vapour all over the entire house as it was so strong it even came through the spaces round the door. I know other
people use these sprays every day and we also have varnished shelves and
in our home and of course gloss paint can be really smelly. However this
stuff is strong... or does it just seem this way as I fixate my fear on
this product. Those of you who have read my memoir and this blog
will know my contamination fear by pathogens has extend from contamination fears
concerning bacteria and viruses to include toxins and the fear of
causing harm to others by tiny molecules of these toxins getting onto my
cloths and hair. Varnish naturally belongs to this category as indeed
does anything which is unhealthy to ingest , simple everyday things in
common use such as hair spray, bleach, anything remotely chemical. However in addition I fear it getting it into my
lungs and creating personal harm and also setting off a migraine even
though gloss paint and regular household varnish appear not to do this.
Life is so frustrating with OCD you cannot imagine. I have twenty
something paintings to treat in this way and after today I wonder how I am
going to complete this task. It took two attempts to spray just one
painting after which I had to take a shower in a cold bathroom and
today is relatively mild. Also when you feel so dammed awful with
depression and anxiety, when you wake with that dreadful heaviness of
heart and have to drag yourself out of bed to do soemthing that you know
will increase your anxiety to the level of panic you wonder why bother.
After all varnishing paintings is not vital, there is no life shattering
consequence if I do not so this, its been an enormous effort just
to do the paintings with the conditions from which suffer. But they
took better varnished, it protects from scratching, and like any other
person
there is no reason why I should not do this. One gets so tried of not
being able to do this or that because of OCD or other illnesses.
However the problem with my OCD is that it is so pervasive it
intrudes into everything, every endeavour, every action every thought
and I have no choice sometimes if I do not wish to find myself become
entirely incapacitated by it, it being of course my OCD depression and
all the other bloody awful miserable conditions from which I suffer.
But it is not easy it is stressful and time consuming, right now I
have to work within the boundaries of my compulsions rather than
confront them and make preparation, thinking things through so I can
take the action which will not leave me feeling afraid that I am
contaminated or have contaminated someone else. But it is exhausting and
saps ones enthusiasm which is already undermined by constant feelings of
depression . Today I am so depressed I feel like crying and I have
struggled to come and sit here against overwhelming feelings of not
feeling as though I can cope with this endeavour anymore, with all the
anxiety about what I write, all the checking and checking and checking,
rewriting, deleting and so on and on seemingly getting worse with each
passing day. After a time it becomes a vicious circle depression
making OCD worse and consequently the frustration anxiety and
misery of OCD and all the other maladies making the depression worse and
so it goes on and on day after day after day and just lately
I grow weary.
There are now so few things in my life unaffected by OCD that I
either stop doing them altogether or I pursue them within the boundaries
and restrictions imposed by OCD. My OCD is intractable. I think that
that is now certain and there is little or no hope of improvement
without intense therapy and support which is never going to happen. A
short course of CBT will do nothing except give me a whole new bunch of
stuff to write and as writing is such a trauma I am defected before I
even start
Yes to participate in CBT you do have to be able to articulate and
record your thoughts as they happen and if your OCD is severe you
can find yourself unable to do this as every action, even and including
the writing down of you thoughts is effected by your OCD in such a
way your are defeated before your start. Also oftentimes it is not easy
to articulate your thoughts particualry if you have AS as I beleive I
have AS or significant traits thereof .
So it is not easy for me to express my thoughts even in writing which
is the easiest of the two options verbal or written but neither is
ideal and I most certainly cannot write my thoughts in the concise way required for CBT. Althoguh it might appear that I can
express my thoughts here it is not that easy and may take a considerable
time for the thought in my mind to be transformed into words that
explain the thinking processes in my mind. My thoughts most
certainly do not flow from my mind in to the writing which you see
here with any ease at all and in fact the coordination to type,
inability to spell makes the translation of my thoughts even ore
problematic.
January 23rd
Here is an issue which is of great concern. The following links will
take you to information about a campaign against terminator seeds.
Terminator seeds are seeds which are genetically modified so they may only be
used once, these seeds are sterile; terminator sees are genetically
modified to become sterile after the first planting. Terminator seeds
are a direct threat to poorer farmers and food sources.
"1.4 billion farmers in the world depend on farmed saved seeds to
feed themselves and their families. If terminator gets the go-ahead, it
would spell the end of this practice of saving and replanting seeds -
and so take control of meeting their own food needs out of farmers'
hands."
"Terminator spells trouble for peasant farmers throughout the
world because they will no longer be able to save seeds to re-use from
one harvest to the next. Many poor farmers cannot afford to buy seeds
each year. Instead, they save, swap and share seeds that have been
developed over generations. If terminator seeds are spread into the
environment farmers will be forced to buy new seeds every time, making
them poorer - and the big seed companies richer. Far from helping to
tackle poverty, it will increase economic injustice and add to the
burdens of those already living in hardship."
"In May 2008 European governments will meet at the Convention on
Biodiversity in Bonn to discuss Terminator Seeds. We want them to uphold
and strengthen the ban they made in 2000. Poor farmers in the developing
world need your help to make this happen. Here are some ways you can
help persuade the British Government to do the right thing:"
The above are quotations from the website below
For more information and action you can take please visit
Progressio's website
be a SEEDSAVER - home
Terminator seeds are one of the most despicable examples of corporate
greed to the detriment of others that I cannot have ever imagined in my
wildest most negative of dreams.
In addition to the problems of poor farmers who cannot afford to buy
seeds each year if released into the environment Terminator seeds may
increase world hunger and poverty.
At the present time there is a ban on terminator seeds but it is
feared that this ban maybe overturned at a major meeting of the UN in
May 2008.
Please write to your MP, asking him or her to lobby the UK government
to support and strengthen the ban on terminator seeds.
There are mostly likely similar campaigns in your country, here is one
originating in Canada through which international visitors can also take
action :
The Campaign / Ban Terminator - Ban Terminator
Below is a link from the above website where you may Join the
campaign for a national ban in your country!
Take Action / Ban Terminator - Ban Terminator
January 24th
Just lately my enthusiasm to come here and write has waned. This is
most likely due to an increase in depression and anxiety. Also I am
feeling somewhat uncomfortable talking about all my problems here but
conversely feeling restricted in so many ways about what I can and
cannot write. Such restriction arises from OCD fears that perhaps it
would be a detriment to say this or that for one or another reasons. I
cannot of course precisely say why without talking about things which I
am becoming increasing too anxious to write about. Also once I begin
writing it can be difficult to stop as more and more thoughts pour in,
ideas about things to write and the compulsion to write them as long as
they do not become involved in the restrictions which OCD has placed
upon me. So writing can be a frustrating and an anxious endeavour
not to mention exhausting. I want so much to speak freely of my life and
my thoughts but it is difficult to cast aside my anxieties to do so ,
particualry fears about casing harm
Also as mentioned in recent previous posts my depression is becoming
more profound of late making it difficult for me to get out of bed and
if it were not for my obsessions and compulsions I would probably still
be there now. Oftentimes ones compulsions over ride depression's lethargy
and with a heavy heart I struggle to rise from my bed albeit perhaps not
as early as was once the case. Also the fear that if I continue to lie
in bed and make no stand against my depression I will find at the end of
the day my depression will have increased as I will in addition be
riddled with guilt that I allowed depression to have its way. Also if I
am late rising my routine is thrown out and this increases my anxiety.
There are also increasing demands on my time, which is unreasonable
for a person who is disabled. And make no mistake OCD and other mental
health problems have the potential to be severely disabling. Also
migraine is a disability, it is notsimply mild headace easily controlled
with over the counter medication and in some cases any medication at
all. So I have two seriously incapacitating and disabling
conditions. Yes make no mistake we can certainly call ourselves disabled
if we have OCD or any other anxiety disorder come to that; agoraphobia
for instance is very disabling as you are for all intents and purposes
housebound regardless of the absence of any psychical disability.
Moreover you can feel shame and guilty that you are not able to overcome
this fear and the struggle to do so may become exhausting and lead to a
significant depression.
Yesterday wasn't a brilliantly fine day but the air was fresh and
coming home from shopping I really felt as though I would love a short
walk in the fresh breeze that seemed so pleasant after the bitter cold
and wet of the previous few days. As we went by the river I noticed a
footpath right long the bank I had not noticed before and would have
liked to follow to see where it lead, but as usual fear of coming into
contact with someone's lively, too friendly or out of control dog was
just so fear inducing I could not. Yes I have walked in the dales but
here the possibility of unleashed out of control dogs is less likely due
to the sheep which freely roam the dales, although of course even
here thoughtless people with unruly dogs will unleash them regardless
and do ruin any peace that might otherwise be had, not to mention cause fear to the sheep or
worse. However in my immediate locality there are just so many dog
walkers that I rarely venture far from my home into the neighbouring
countryside which is so easily accessible. There are several pretty
walks through woodland and by the river but in all the time I have
been here I have been but twice and each time it was so anxiety
inducing, my heart thumping, jumping at every sound with frightful
anticipation, I just can't bear to go, the anxiety outweighing the
benefits. As we passed by this riverside path I felt a twinge of bitter
regret for all the years, all the lost opportunities when OCD has
deprived me of so many things in my life and continues to derive me
without there being now much hope that for me personally anything will
ever be any different. At times we can become complacent with our
limited life learning to adapt within its boundaries, as our conditions becomes worse,
which sadly happens without treatment or for some of us for any number of reason it seems our
condition is intractable, and we adapt and live in an increasingly
smaller and smaller periphery of existence. And it is only at certain
times that we are made to realise just how disabled we are and that
there are so many facets of life that others take for granted which we
cannot have any part of .
The mind is powerful and during the throws of neurosis it can be an
extreme impediment to a normal fulfilling existence. OCD
is very disabling, incapacitating, at least for me and no doubt many
others, it is very pervasive intruding as it does in every aspect of my
life . It takes time to comply with OCD, it takes your life, it is an
ever present but undesirable companion . Obsessions and compulsions
arising from Contamination issues are time consuming, everything
takes longer when you have to, for instance wash your hands so many
times each day for reasons others would not understand. Such as for
example after opening the curtains for fear they are contaminated with
legionaries disease, just one of many time consuming compulsions which I
have written about on many occasions. Piles of cloths to launder,
showering, cleaning or rather decontaminating, avoiding. Yes
avoiding becoming contaminated can also be time consuming, exhausting
ones mind, crowding ones thoughts, ever mindful mindful to avoid contact
with for example the bin or the dirty laundry basket. it demands
your attention, requires care, manipulating, careful placement of
contaminated items to avoid accidental contact which will result in
changing my cloths even showering or washing my hair. The routine
or in OCD terms ritual of varnishing my paintings is a recent case in
point which involves planning which adds mental exhaustion to the
mix. It
also involves washing of my cloths and showering. It was not easy the
first time I tried to do this early in the morning before showering as I
had planned and in the end due to complications to exhausting to try and
recount here I finished up doing this complex procedure in the
afternoon. Opening the window for the flumes to dispute albeit with some
anxiety about poisoning the environment. Placing the painting near the
window taking a deep breath, spraying the varnish, dashing out of the
room.. well its all described in a previous entry . And please! don't
say these are normal precautions, yes indeed some aspect maybe as it is
not good to breath in the fumes as is warned on the instructions but
most certainly the performance of cloths washing, showering and the
anxiety of anticipating the task and the fear of the fumes is certainly
rather exaggerated. Also a most important consideration here is that
after so many years one does not know what is normal. Sometimes a normal
behaviour might seem like an OCD exaggeration when perhaps it is
not. Yes you should not breathe in the vapour but does this mean you have
to hold your breath, spray the paint as quickly as possible, leave
the room still holding your breath and slam the door tight shut? I
rather think most people would not do this but really I don't know what
is normal. After only doing a couple of paintings I am anxious and
have to abandon the task for another day and than of course I have
to shower and change my cloths and this includes washing my hair
should a small particle of this substance remain. That is I
imagine most certainly not normal.
Indeed OCD is enormously time consuming, washing your hands over and
over throughout the preparation food each time I touch something other
than the food, even the packet, rewashing cooking implements, using
fresh towels each time, anxious about the towel where it has been, is it
clean, anxious about food has it been tampered with, checking for
interference with packaging all eats away at your time. Checking
my writing over and over again always questioning if it is correct or
will it have the potential to cause harm but never in an obvious way that
others would
understand as having such a potential, the OCD mind sees harm in so many
things and it can leave you exhausted as you have to think through
everything you
think, every move you make and every decision with which you contend.
Reading is also a long and protracted due to a superstitious fear
concerning a certain number which I have mentioned on so many
occasions it would be superfluous to reiterate again today, yet even
this is a compulsion for me to go over and over this problem again just in
case someone doesn't stand. Many books are never competed
becasue of my fear of any association with this number, particularly
when it comes to reading, it is as if OCD homes in on what means the
most to you, rather like an entity which knows your thoughts and knows
what aspects of your life in which to intrude in order to bring about the
greatest detriment. Well there are so many facets of my OCD which are
all mentioned in my memoir
and here on my blog and there are many others which are daily increasing
the impact of this condtion upon my life. Also recently the tendency
toward GAD type thinking has added an extra dimension of misery;
ruminating on small concerns catastrophizing, exaggerating the potential
day to day worries into major problems so much so that my life is filled
with continual anxiety.
