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January 1st 2007
Be always at war with your vices, at
peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
Benjamin Franklin
This is my third new year’s
day since I started my blog and website. It has probably been one of the
most depressing for me since that time when I have felt less included to
make new years resolutions or even notice that last night was New Years
Eve. Naturally OCD has not forgotten that it is new year and has
tormented me more than usual with my annual superstitious fear of
washing cloths on New Year's day. I will not rehash the details of this,
please refer to the
New Year entry
of 2005.
I will say however that this obsession has grown and I now do not wash
clothing throughout the entire duration of new year’s day as it
progresses throughout the world from Sunday after noon here in the UK
which is Monday New years day in Australia until after ten o clock on
Tuesday morning when New years day finishes in the USA. Obsessions and
compulsions are like malignancies without treatment they grow and
sometimes this is the case even with treatment. This year my
Superstitious OCD concerning a certain unlucky number has made this
annual superstition a lot worse, or perhaps it is more accurate to say
that this New Year's superstitious obsession and compulsion has made my
ability to cope with my superstitious fears of this number diminish and
the last few days have been an added misery.
I had to prepare for this by washing two loads of clothes and having
as much clean clothing as possible in order not to need to wash clothes
for three days. Right now I am going through a difficult time and life
is filled with worries and the addition of this idiotic obsession and
compulsion has compounded my anxiety and unhappiness. Yes indeed I do
recognise my behaviour as idiotic but notwithstanding such insight I am,
it seems, powerless to ignore this obsession and its compulsion. Yes it
is only a couple of days, three or four at the most if you count the
pre-washing preparatory behaviours but it is something I could do
without at a time I need to be occupied with something more positive.
The fear of confronting my unlucky number has haunted me more keenly
during this time for reasons I cannot define not even to myself. So
during the next sixty-six hours I cannot get on with anything much at
all, any activity which involves this number, the relationship between
this and the New Year's washing obsession is not clear except that both
are of course superstitious types of OCD.
Yesterday I was angry at my
mother who for those of you who do not know is dead . But it was she and
less directly my father who implanted this fear in my mind and I am
angry that they did not have more insight, more common sense; telling a
child about such an idiotic superstition was not an appropriate or a
helpful thing to do to any child, particularly when the child has been
seeing psychiatrists since she was three years old. Yes my father did
say he believed it was nonsense, nonetheless my mother did not wash on
New Year's day and my father once commented that although he thought it
was just a silly superstition that nevertheless two neighbours did die
one year. But of course in a street which had I would guess 60 or 70
houses this was not unusual. But ones mind does focus on events that
reinforces ones fears, this is particularly so with superstitious OCD
and despite my father being a down to earth atheist he maybe on some
level gave credence to this superstition, a superstition which
incidentally no one else is familiar with.
I would like to wish everyone a happy and healthy new year. Yes these
words feel hallow as some of us who suffer with OCD and other anxiety
disorders consider that nothing much will improve and often those of us
who are more negative such as myself often anticipate things to get
worse. Particularly if we are beset with added anxiety or are going through
a particularly bad patch.
Nonetheless despite our negativity it is good to wish others well and
to send positive thoughts in their direction and indeed other animals;
do not forget animals suffer terribly. Again the wind was blowing a
fearful gale last night, the rain was torrential and I was sad thinking
again of the sheep and cattle and other creatures in the fields through
this long stormy night with no shelter or comfort . Yes animals suffer
anxiety and depression but unlike us they have no way of alleviating
such. In Tibetan Buddhism there is a meditation practice called
tonglin. The practice of which involves mentally taking on the suffering
of others and exchanging this for happiness and well being. For a more
detailed explanation of this practice please visit this website.
Tonglin Pema Chödrön
Wishing kind and positive thoughts may not bring about change in any
direct way but who knows, it does no harm and generates positive energy,
vibes or whatever, it makes others feel cared about and thought of. This
time of year is indeed a very difficult time for people who are alone
who have no friends or family, who are ill or distressed. Like the merry
Christmas greeting few people wish one another a happy new year vocally.
Years ago your neighbour would wish you a happy new year if he saw you
in the street. In shops you would be wished a happy new year, you in turn would
wish a happy new year to the sales assistant, the post
man who has delivered all your Christmas cards and presents, the dustbin
men who empty your garbage throughout the year and others as you went
about your business, even a complete stranger in the street. Now no one
wishes anyone a happy Christmas or new year. Perhaps people are just too
unhappy, burdened with pressures of debt, problems at work, the rising
cost of living, the awful state of the world such as climate change, the
increase in crime. Indeed in general people seem more preoccupied, more
unhappy than in times past when I was a child and now the custom
of wishing people a happy Christmas and new year seems meaningless
and this custom has almost gone. Most Christmas cards we have received have
merely been sent with no personal greetings whatsoever and I have been
guilty of the same. One person just signed his name nothing else.
Again I sincerely wish everyone a happy new year. I would like to
thank all those who have written to me. You are sadly few in number but
there again I do not write to website owners either but I should and
this will be a new years resolution for me to do so. It does take an
enormous effort to create and maintain a website site. I do not wish to
enter into long involved correspondence and I am sure you
would probably
not want any of my long winded waffling e-mails either, I have three
e-mails pals and a snail mail pal and that is enough for me to cope
with, but it would be nice to receive the occasional comment good, bad
or indifferent from time to time. In particular I would like to thank Luis Leonl Lopez who has sent many
useful links, the last two included in December’s entry are among the
many links Luis has sent to me. I also thank him for his support throughout
the last year and for some of his useful suggestions. There are others I
would like to thank who have written encouraging e-mail and offered
advice but as I am not sure if you would like your names mentioned I
will not do so, I am sure you will know who you are.
This year I would appreciate your input please: examples of your
creativity for the gallery, your stories and your suggestions, links to
useful websites that might be of benefit to sufferers of the disorders
mentioned here. I will not mention you by name or mention you at all if
you do not wish me to do so, you may remain anonymous. Soon I will
include a new page for suggested links. Such links need not
necessary be concerned with mental health or illness they may be about anything
that you think may be of use to people with the problems included on
this website. For instance Luis has sent me a list of links to useful
free software which might be of help to people who find if difficult to
pay for packaged software because they are not able to earn a living due
to their respective illnesses.
January 2nd
It’s bitterly cold again, well it mostly is colder in the Yorkshire
dales where we have come today for a breath of fresh air after the New
year /Christmas hibernation. I had looked forward to Christmas for the
opportunity to stay home and kind of veg out and have a few days where
there are no immediate concerns, at least of a real or immediate nature,
OCD of course does not take a break, where you can feel you can lounge
about, read and watch TV - if there was anything much to watch which
despite the huge increase in the number of channels here in the UK is
becoming increasingly more difficult. However realisation rarely fulfils
expectation and after a day or two I began to feel rather more
depressed than usual and bugged by an increase in OCD intrusive thoughts. This of course always happens to me
more when I am not intensively occupied and I would imagine that for
anyone with OCD and depression inactivity can bring about an increase in
symptoms. I have to keep my mind occupied, yes of course OCD still
intrudes but if my attention is highly focused my OCD is mitigated to
some degree. It might not feel much at the time and the improvement is
not sustained and soon diminishes when I am not involved with a mentally
absorbing activity but I sure feel the difference in mood an
unoccupied brain creates. Moreover after a while one becomes
increasingly more lethargic and you than feel that you cannot be
bothered to move, you become sluggish and you sink into a more inactive
type of depression where everything becomes an enormous effort.
And despite the beauty of the surroundings here in the Yorkshire
Dales, my favourite place here in the north east, I feel depressed
and apathetic. This is of course not a new problem, it is however today
more accentuated. Most if not all of the time I am out participating in
any activity, such as a walk, is an enormous task and I feel little
motivation because of depression, however my depression and motivation
is of course not helped by my OCD anxieties, a walk among a foot path
even here in sheep farming country is undertaken with anxiety should I
encounter a dog, particularly an unleashed dog. Here it is less likely
than in other places but nonetheless it can happen from time to time.
There is always that odd person who simply does not obey the rules about
keeping dogs on a leash where sheep graze, and here they grazes freely over
the hills where walkers have access by footpath.
Today this lack of
motivation and lethargy was quite marked, I blamed the cold and found a
number of other excuses such as this or that foot path is not suitable
for one reason or another. I even suggested to my husband that on this
side of the hill it was colder, I guess this was a valid observation as
the sun was shaded by the hill but really beneath all the excuses was
this dreadful apathy which was not helped by my husbands apathy.
I am
remained of the adage that the less you do the less you want to do and
after not doing much of anything active over the last few days both of
us where experiencing added difficulties with motivation. I would
really have loved to have gone for a good long hike but it has been
years since I have gone much more than a mile. Some of this is of course
due to my fear of getting a migraine and having a long trek back to the
car, my the problems with IBS and my irritable bladder. Of course
none of this helps but oftentimes it is simply lethargy and that awful
can't be bothered kind of feeling that is difficult to shake off
accompanied by the heavy heart feeling so familiar to all of us who
suffer with depression. Sometimes I have to somehow generate some real
determination, grit my teeth, fight against these feelings of
apathy just to step out of the car and pick a footpath, any foot path,
anywhere and just walk. It feels as though your whole body screams its
resistance, it is as though you are carrying the burden of the world and the
feeling is that you are weighted down, it is as though you are trying to
move through treacle. Yes joint aches and pains are a problem and make
the struggle more pronounced and this is a valid difficulty however whatever it is that ails me in this regard, does not
in any actual sense impeded my movement, the greatest impediment is still
my state of mind, my depression.
The inner conflict that I have to face with this facet of my
depression is by no means easily overcome. The doctor described my
depression as mild as I have said before and yes perhaps when compared
to manic depression it is but that is beside
the point and in any case
how can the doctor tell my degree of depression. Moreover such
comparisons are in any case irrelevant are they not. My depression
however measured assessed or compared presents enormous difficulties and
is compounded by my OCD or vice versa and is for me a significant
problem. I really hate comparisons, not that my doctor was making
comparisons although it felt that way, which serve little purpose other
that perhaps to increase ones depression by adding feelings of guilt and
making you feel as though you make a fuss over nothing despite the fact
that your life is an unremitting round of misery. No one knows or really
appreciates the enormous struggle that I have sometimes to do even the
simplest of things. Sometimes it is the need to keep busy that helps me
overcome this lethargy and that can’t be bothered feeling that mentally
paralyses you and prevents you from participating in an activity that
could give you some respite from your misery. And of course the worse
dilemma is that if I give in to depression and apathy I than feel even
more depressed and when it is time to return home or the day comes to a
close my depression than becomes compounded by regrets and feelings of guilt
that I have once again wasted another day of my life and yet again
depression and OCD have won.
Notwithstanding the difficulties described above it was pleasant day.
We did walk a very short distance, the wind was biting cold I could hear
dogs barking in a farm below in the valley and felt anxious and it was
this that made us turn back and I was rather disappointed. Often I see
other people, serious hikers with a least ten years on me striding out
with determined vigour. I am envious and again more comparisons make me feel
not so much guilty, but rather the feeling is that if I do not make an effort, and if I
do not do something soon the chance to enjoy walking in this lovely
countryside will be taken away not just by depression or OCD but simply
by my increasing age and illness. Somehow
you have to appreciate the here and now and take every day as it comes and make
the best effort to enjoy it. However when you have to fight depression and
OCD
in many ways you feel as though you are going through the motions and what is
pleasure to others presents huge obstacles to you, and instead of
pleasure or even satisfaction such pastimes become a misery rather like
an endurance test undertaken just so you feel that you have done
something and
not let the day slip by incapacitated by OCD and depression.
We had coffee and chips in the little cafe in the village of Reeth a
quiet very picturesque village nestling in a delightful valley with a
fast flowing river, plenty of footpaths, tea rooms and pubs. A quite
tranquil place and one we often wished we could live in. We drove
through the Dales the scenery was as ever spectacular. We stop off and
sit in the car for a while and admire the view, we make the short walk
already mentioned and drive through the hills, take photos of sheep. I
guess for now I have to appreciate what I can do rather than what I
cannot.
While writing this entry I thought to add some positivity by sharing
with you photos taken of this our favourite area of the Yorkshire Dales.
The photographs were taken at various time during the year by my husband John, click the link to view
the photographs and short commentory.
This page will open into a new window.
John's Photographs: Reeth
and surrounding area.
January3rd
Today I had one of the most severe of tension headaches that I have
had in a long time. I had thought it was migraine and took my migraine
medication. But this headache did not shift, it in fact got worse as I
was lying down, which is the case with tension headaches. My migraine
medication will not relieve a tension headache. I had woke this morning
at 3am with a nasty headache I could not get back to sleep as the pain
was just too persistent and the thoughts which invade my mind each and
every morning seemed also more pervasive and disturbing than usual, even
though now as I write this I cannot recall the nature of these thoughts.
Suffice it to say I could not get back to sleep and decided to get up
and spend some time on the computer. I would of course not wish to make
a habit of rising quite this early although lately I have been awake and
have got up as early as 4.30 am. It seems to me a dreadful waste of time
to simply lie in bed when any hope of sleeping has long gone,
particularly if one is tormented by awful thoughts and persistent
headaches.
Usually I am extremely careful not to do anything which might
exacerbate my headaches such as loosing my temper or crying but today
for want of a more eloquent expression, I lost it. I had a complete
meltdown if you like. Sometimes I just cannot stand my life, all the
headaches and other pains, the OCD, where we live, that factory in the
village which makes the low frequency noise, the worry about the apathy
of my husband and son whom it appears have succumbed to inevitable misery - at
least this is how it appears to me but everyone of course handles their
depression differently or is effected by depression and anxiety in
different ways. We are all worn out with the constant round of problems
which seem to present without respite, or perhaps it is our inability to
cope with everyday hindrances and we have become weakened by continued
adversity. Suffice it to say in plan and simple English... we are not
coping.
I cannot stand this awful house which has done much to accentuate our
difficulties and our ability to cope with the many problems that living
here has presented, such as the awful damp
on the walls despite paying a considerable amount of money to rectify,
which has left us in financial difficulties which in turn has generated
further worry. The damp course we had installed last year is for some
reason or other is not effective and we have someone coming to see what
has happened. We still have damp in the room I am sitting in now where
we have our computer and where I do most of my artwork. It is a small
cramped room just large enough for the computer, a bookcase and a couple
of small benches. At one time we used to sleep in here, you could just
about fit in a double bed and not much else, so that we could use the
larger bedroom for our hobbies room. But the damp in this room was just
unbearable with penetrating damp through the stone walls, sedimentary
stone! Why on earth did they use sedimentary stone for building? I am no
geologist but know that sedimentary stone is permeable. We did not stop
to ask or even think about what kind of stone the house was constructed
from when we bought it. There is also in the same room water running
down the wall in the corner near the north gable, this we have been told
is the result of a wooden beam which is now rotten, the house is over
100 years old so this is highly likely although I have come to the point
when I do not trust anyone to give us an accurate or honest assessment.
So all along the top of the outside exposed wall of this room it gets
wet with an accumulation in the corner and that is because the house has
subsided. Our surveyor told us this was okay it is normal, all houses
subside to some extent and this incidence should not get worse. I
certainly hope not, he appeared not to notice this problem with the
roof, there is no mention of it in the survey report who knows what else
he missed, he certainly did not give us an accurate report concerning
the state of the original damp course. There is damp on the upper part
of the wall in the kitchen caused by who knows what, it is a different
issue and does not relate to rising damp which due to capillary action
will rise no higher that three or four feet. In the bathroom too is a
nightmare of mildew borne of bad ventilation and to too much showering
on behalf of my son. Yes some days, in fact most days I have two showers,
sometimes three but I do not use excesses of water or remain in the
shower for an extended period of time. However my son can be in the
shower for anything from half an hour to three quarters of an hour with
the water running like Niagara falls, steam raises like the rainforest
in the Amazon jungle. After he has showered as you enter the bathroom
you might well think you are in the Amazon as water drips from the
ceiling onto your head.
After all that rambling about the state of our house I have actually
forgotten what I am supposed to be writing about... Ah yes my melt down,
a word used in autistic terminology to describe a full blown temper like
tantrum, although tantrum is really not the correct word here as unlike
tantrums autistic meltdowns are not used to gain attention in the way
tantrums are, meltdowns are not as premeditated, they are more
spontaneous than a tantrum. Hey I am obsessing here about words, their
definitions and shades of meaning, a common problem for me. Suffice it
to say a Meltdown is
exactly what I had, although in this instance the meltdown rather than
arising from sensory overload in an obvious way more typical of an
autistic meltdown came from an overload of circumstances, thoughts and
the build up of negativity and anxiety and well basically life and its
myriad adversities. And yes I guess this may also include sensory
overload for indeed sensory overload is a huge problem for me and one
that I perhaps do not appreciate just how disruptive it is in terms of
the way it effects my life and my ability to cope, such as noise, bright
lights, smells that others do not smell and skin irritation to name the
ones which effect me most. Concerning an autism meltdown I was about to
say that such is more typical of a child rather than an adult and
involves more extreme behaviours in children severely effected such as
head banging, hitting themselves and lying on the floor screaming that
kind of thing, however I do have to admit that there are times when I
will for instance pound the wall or door with my fist, seeming not to
notice the pain, or scream and rant with sheer frustration as
uncontrollable anger arises...ummm obsessing again about terminology.
Meltdown is a good word and one which describes these eruptions which
occur right out of the blue. Sensory overload can be experienced by
people who are not necessarily on the autistic spectrum, it can also
effect people who suffer with anxiety and depression and may also simply
present as a separate condition called
sensory integration disorder,
see link.
Healthline - Search Results For sensory integration Over
sensitivity to noise, light and smells may present in those of us who
suffer with fibromyalgia. Sometimes everything in my external and
internal environment comes to a breaking point rather like the eruption
of a volcano due to the pressures of the build up of magma simmering
deep in the earth resulting in the volatile explosions characteristic of
volcanoes.
Suffice it to say I really lost it, sometimes it all becomes too much
to bear and I feel as though I carry the entire burden of our combined
problems. I should understand that depression effects my son and husband
in a different way and perhaps they feel less inclined to try to
mitigate it and at times I feel much the same. However if you do not
take some action, if it is at all possible to do so, you will sink further
into depression. Yes again I must emphasise that I know that for some
people their depression is so profound that they can barely move and at
times I am like this. However at other times anger and frustration takes
over and in a way these emotions are an improvement upon depression as
they are sometimes more motivating. Suddenly I could not stand for even
for one more minute entering the computer/art room with all that
awful mildew.
Procrastination borne of apathy had allowed us to us leave
it spreading like a malignancy across the wall. I complained to my
husband for not having the initiative to remove it and despite my
thumping headache and aching muscles I dragged the steps up the stairs
ignoring his offers to do this and cleaned it with white vinegar. Yes I
can be obstinate and childish and sometimes I do loose all reason. Of
course cleaning the wall does not resolve the problem and is rather like
burying your head in the sand but it clearly looks better and the
constant reminder of our difficulties every time I walk into this room
certainly makes the situation much worse . I did get upset, angry, rant
and rave at my husband and yes I do overreact sometimes but I am only
human. I do not know what the hell to do anymore so many problems and
the more we seem to get the more we sink under the mire of apathy and
depression. My crying and shouting made my headache severe and I
regretted loosing my temper but sometimes just sometimes I cannot keep
it all in, no not even for the sake of others or for the sake of my
headaches which always become worse when I cry or become excessively
angry.
January 4th
My husband is talking to our neighbour for a long time after we
return from our trip into the city. I envy my husband’s ability to chat
casually with the neighbours although for the most part he often says
all the wrong things and tells them details about our lives that I would
prefer no one knew. Well except anonymously as in this blog. My neighbour
who suffers from depression has been more than usually depressed. I
recall noticing him pass by this week and thought how much he looked
depressed. I felt guilty as though I should do something. But what can I
do. It is at times like this that I most hate my social ineptitude. I
would like to reach out the hand of friendship so to speak to this
neighbour. I felt guilty that I have not done anything, in the past we
have invited him round for a cup of tea but he has rarely taken up our
invitation. In fact it is well over a year since he came into our home.
We have suggested a trip to the pub for a drink and a chat but it is not
easy for me with my headaches to make plans particularly those which
involve others. Yes indeed there is much I would I would like to do to
help others but either OCD or my headaches /migraine prevent me from
doing so. I know so well from my own experience the misery of depression
so there is empathy. This person lives alone he has no friends although
he is involved in such things as computer courses and work experiences
courses. His family are all ill and life is not easy for him. There
seems so much unhappiness in the world, so much loneliness, many lives
spent in unnecessary misery, lives that could be elevated, mitigated and
even substantially improved by the companionship, help and understanding
of others, yet few offer the hand of friendship to those who most need
it. Often it is those who have suffered who know of the pain of
depression and mental torment who really care for the plight of fellow
sufferers, but sadly of course we are not in a position to help others as
we can barely help ourselves.
For those who suffer with mental health problems life’s difficulties
become overwhelming as eventually smaller and smaller problems become
increasing huge and insurmountable and your ability to cope diminishes
and as a result you become ever more sensitive to the smallest of
difficulties until everything in your environment seems like an
Herculean task, a monumental battle with adversity and the world becomes
an increasing hostile place. You than begin to feel isolated in a
nightmare world of adversity, it is as though every day you wage war
with not only your physical environment but your own personal
circumstances, your mind and your body .
We arrived home from shopping wanting to quickly store our groceries
and head off back out for a relaxing day in the city... in your dreams.
Deluded soul that I am I continue to look for peace where I basically
know I will find none and this in itself generates anxiety and
depression. Yes off loading and putting away our shopping sounds easy
enough in theory... right? Wrong. The wind is blowing a gale, it is of
course for everyone in the area but for me it is a huge adversity. I can
hardly get out of the car. Crippled by apathy and the psychical struggle
to get the door open I feel immediately anxious. A piece of paper,
possibly our shopping receipt blows away. I hate litter of course and
would always do my best not to drop litter but OCD scrupulosity makes
this imperative and anxiety about the nature of this particular piece of
paper causes concern, is there something harmful about it, although I could not tell
you the nature of this perceived harm, it could be contaminated in some
way perhaps. So I
have to chase this piece of paper to retrieve it, impossible in the
wind’s velocity. I am momentarily anxious. We have as usual a struggle
to open the back door another perversity of this house; the door that
keeps growing bigger and bigger as damp swells the wood no matter how
many times it’s shaved. I cannot open it my husband has to do so with
his shoulder. I could never go out alone even if I wanted to as I would
never get back in. I am anxious about getting the frozen food in the
refrigerator as soon possible
but cannot find this bag quickly and we
are interrupted by a van driver seeking directions. My stress is
mounting, anxious the frozen food will melt and if we put it into the
fridge and refreeze it we will as a consequence die of food poisoning. We do not know
the location of the village which the driver is looking for despite the
fact we have lived here for four years. However I did rather dismiss
this person obsessing about our frozen food and now I feel guilty. The
postman turns up to tell us he had left a package with a neighbour. I
try to appear polite and unhurried but inside I am stressing about the
frozen food .My husband natters to the postman about the man looking for
directions. I continue to stress about the frozen food and have to
interrupt him. Finally I locate it, I check it to ascertain if it is
still frozen. My husband continues to converse with the postman about
the location of this village. Our depressed neighbour passes by and now
I feel guilty that because of my social anxiety inhibitions and anxiety
about getting the food in the fridge I wave to him simply wishing him a
happy new year saying I have to get inside. I check the frozen food it
is okay but I am still anxious unpacking the food continues to be
stressful and I just want to get it all stored away so that we can go
out and forget about all our problems with this wretched house, which as soon as you walk in the
house are evident as I am confronted with mildew on the kitchen wall
which cannot be removed until the person who is coming to inspect the
damp course has seen it.
There is so much stress generated by the simplest of
actions, and as the years go by and my stress increases there is a
situation that arises rather like a chain reaction; as my stress
mounts and increases it appears to generate more and more stress.
Consequently I
find myself continually feeling stressed and anxious and in a hurry for
reasons not easy to define. I am too
stressed to find anything to eat, not that there is much for me to eat
on a gluten free diet despite the fact we have just been shopping, it is
not easy to find a quick snack and I just want to go out before there
are anymore problems. I get irritated that again for the umpteenth time
I have to go to the toilet but with IBS and irritable bladder
which
arises from all my anxiety it is not surprising, but all these
interruptions drive me crazy.
January 6th
When I was about ten years old both my sister and I fell downstairs.
I fell first and she followed, I think I must have unintentionally
grabbed her when I began to fall. It was of course a long time ago now
but this morning I was reminded just how much I ached after this
accident. This morning when I woke I ached all over my joints, my
muscles and of course I had an awful headache. The pain was so bad it
bought back to my mind this accident and how painful it was. Whatever it
is that is making me so ill whether it is fibromyaliga, somatization
disorder or even Lyyme disease, I have given much consideration about
the possibility that I have Lyme disease, it is making me ill and
compounds my OCD. Life seems to be one long round of feeling ill. I get
out of bed feeling so stiff and aching all over. If I had ever had the
flu I would probably describe it as feeling as though I had the flu all
the time, but I have never had the flu in my life but I have heard this
kind of problem commonly described this way. I can describe how I feel
today, it is as though I have fallen down the stairs, it reminds me so
of how I felt as a child after this accident lying in bed with throbbing
aches all over.
The headache I have now is quite severe and may well turn into a
migraine, it may well be a migraine, it is too early to be sure. I do
not wish to take my medication until I am sure as the fear that the more
medication I take the less effective it will be. I somehow cope with a
tension headache but migraine however is quite another matter, without
my medication my life would simply not be worth living, this will be my
second migraine this week. Today we were supposed to be going to the
cinema, rather too much of an ordeal with the severity of my headache.
As you know I can manage to go to the cinema with a headache which is
less severe, but this humbugger... no way. I feel guilty because the
others wish to go and it seems that most times that I plan to go
anywhere like this a headache which would be particularly problematic on
such an outing turns up. Well I have so many that it is not surprising.
Lately it has in any case become increasingly more difficult to go to
the cinema because of all my sensory problems. Recently they have
increased the volume, particularly during the advertising the noise is unbearable I have had
to cover my ears with my hands. The surround sound adds to this problem
as sound which appears to me disconnected suddenly explodes from the
side walls, it is startling and often it takes a while for me to connect
this with the film. The film we wish to see, Apocalypto,
has subtitles and this is an added difficulty because of my
attention deficit, it is impossible to keep my eyes glued to the screen
and often I miss some of the dialogue . My difficulties are increased by
problems with face recognition which for reasons unknown to myself is
increasing and I soon loose
the plot, sorry about the pun I couldn't resist it. Add to this mix my
lack of concentration, my tendency to go into a dream or space out and, you will not believe this, occasionally falling asleep, so you
can see that following a film and enjoying it is difficult. You might
wonder how the hell I fall asleep with my sensory difficulties. Well I
have no idea either but I do I fall asleep sometimes in the cinema, six
times during matrix 3 only momentarily mind you but nonetheless this
happens and this makes me ill, increases my headache, anxiety and
depression.
You cannot begin to imagine just how frustrating life is, it is not
just that it upsets me if I cannot keep to our plans, although I try
often right up until the last minute to do so, it is also that I find it
difficult to cope with changing plans for OCD reasons which I have
explained before and simply because
well... I just can’t cope with impulsiveness, spontaneity, changes in
routine and not knowing what I am doing from one minute to the next. For
reasons not easy to describe and in addition to my OCD fears a change of
plan throws me into confusion increases anxiety and leaves me frustrated
and indecisive. Unless the situation is cut and dry I will be hesitant
to change plans, we have even bought tickets even though my head has
been pounding and it has been a misery and on some occasions we have had
to leave although unless I have a migraine I will stick it out. What a
nightmare you much be thinking... well it most certainly is.
We did not go to the cinema as my headache was just too severe.
Today I hesitated and knew it was migraine and if I had took my
medication I would have been okay but I wanted to be sure as on the
previous day I had taken it for the wrong headache. Yes about an hour or
two after it was too late to go it was most certainly more easily
identified as a migraine and than of course I regretted not taking my
meds earlier.
Despite the fact I am ill, indecisive and tormented by OCD and do not
know what the hell to do sometimes I am left feeling enormously guilty
and it is the awful feeling of guilt that often compels me to go unless
my headache is very severe. This guilt will haunt me until we finally
go and see this film and by that time I will have most certainly lost
interest and all I will want is for it to be is over and done with
January 7th
It is Sunday morning as I sit here I feel as though my body is one
huge mass of aching. The usual fibromyaliga/ somatization disorder
whatever, but the intensity fluctuates the last few days it has been
more severe. My fingers are numb and tingling yes I most certainly have
RSI (repetitive strain injury). Yes I do work a lot on my computer but
it is nothing like the time that a person who would be working all day
would do. However there is no doubt that this is what it is as the more
I type the worse the tingling and numbness becomes until I have to stop
shake my hands and rest them awhile. I have pain in my shoulders this I
imagine has something to do with my posture and computer use. I have
also been getting pain in my extremities right from the tips of my
fingers and toes shooting stabbing pains intermittent but frequent. I
have had this before and it has gone away but now it has returned more
severely, it was indeed very painful last night. And to add to the
ongoing misery I have a head cold. Despite my contamination OCD fear I
rarely get a cold. However my OCD contamination fears usually
concentrate on avoiding becoming contaminated by more serious illnesses
the most fearful being rabies. In addition my depression is just awful.
Concerning the strange physical maladies which continue to remain
undiagnosed, I do need to pursue a more precise diagnosis other than a
couple of blood tests, both of which were negative, I have not pursued the
matter further since moving here. I have mentioned this before in some
detail the problem seems to be that having depression and OCD such
symptoms are likely to be dismissed as arising from anxiety and or
depression. However if my doctor wishes to classify my depression as
mild these symptoms surely cannot arise from depression otherwise any
one and indeed everyone who is depressed would suffer with them. I do
not agree with my doctors assessment of mild depression at the very
least my depression is moderate with episode of more severe depression.
I do not think that assessments of this kind are particularly helpful,
depression is very complex and often does not fit any particular
stereotype. Often OCD sufferers despite suffering mental pain seem to
rally round when in the company of others even their doctors or
psychiatrists and because of this often the severity of
depression and
anxiety and indeed ones OCD is overlooked. Moreover if you are not good
at expressing yourself due to depression or social anxiety an accurate
assessment cannot be made. My doctor in the south east once told a
therapist I was consulting that I would just come to her consulting room
and sit there and I needed to be encouraged to talk. And this was most
certainly the case than and now as I could not think fast enough to
challenge my doctors assessment of the degree of my depression. I am so
frustrated by the problem with communication finding someone who will be
patient enough to read what I write and to give me time to express
myself. I understand that doctors have many patients and that it is not
their fault, there is just not the time. Even when a doctor has given me
the time I still find it difficult to express myself and explain the
many problems which I have. Last time I was with my doctor
for half an hour and still I really could not think fast enough to
explain my situation.
I am really very depressed right now and do not
know quite what to do anymore. I keep coming here and writing and
managing my website but it is becoming a huge struggle I feel so ill
overwhelmed and hopeless. Sometimes I would like to just give in curl up
in a corner, sit watching TV and not bothering anymore with anything.
The more I seem to struggle to have some kind of life the more difficult
it becomes. Existential anxiety is now a huge problem and I feel that
life really is not going to get a lot better. Perhaps this is not what
blog writing is all about but this is a journal also so it is bound to
reflect my mood, my life, otherwise it becomes nothing more than fiction
if I try to embellish it with positive aspects when there are few or at
least few that I can focus on right now. I will add some niceties from
time to time, some
positives in another entry but the main idea of this blog is to tell you
what it is like to have OCD. What it is like to live your life in a complex web of misery
and than to have such torment compounded by all sorts of unexplained but
awful symptoms which in their own right would give rise to depression in
any one other than a saint.
January 8th
Warning! Spoilers for the film Apocolypto
Finally we are on our way to the cinema to see the film that we were
not able to see the other day because I had a severe headache which
incidentally did turn out to be migraine. I am not particularly keen to
go, I rather prefer the open spaces, the hills and the countryside but
give and take is a part of any relationship with others, and besides I
am just so relieved not to have a headache of any real kind, the anxiety
of postponing this outing haunted me throughout the weekend and I
regretted that I had not taken my medication sooner and got this ordeal
over with. The absence of an immediate headache does not mean that this
is an easy trip, there is nothing much about my life that is easy.
I am always anxious when leaving the house I check all the electrical
sockets a common obsessive-compulsive behaviour that adds anxiety to any
outing, this is particularly so if we are all going out at the same time
which is the case today. It would not matter how many times I checked
the locks there is always that anxiety. I also check my medication, the
supply that I take with me, the fear being that the house might burn
down I will be with no medication. As I have said before elsewhere in
this blog, a psychologist was rather bemused by the fact that if our
house where to burn down that I would be worrying about not having my
migraine medication. Well sometimes I wonder... in fact most times I
wonder if anyone really has any idea what OCD is all about, does anyone
really have any insight into the OCD mind or indeed anyone's mind or has
any idea what it is like to suffer with a migraine the most unbearable
pain you can imagine. I have been asked some rather odd questions that
if the therapist had time to think them through he or she would probably
not have asked them. Surely if one’s house burnt down the situation will
be accentuated if one gets a migraine which of course is extremely
likely in such a dreadful trauma... really its time psychologists
thought things through more clearly. Such arguments do little to help us
gain a normal perspective. Sometimes a lot of therapy time is wasted in
such pointless speculation, it is irrelevant whether or not taking out
pills is neurotic and inappropriate the biggest issue here rises from my
compulsion to check them over and over and anxiety which surrounds this
action, and the need to check before I leave the house and again and
again during my time away that my medication is in my handbag, and the
constant anxiety while I am out not to allow my handbag and my pills out
of my sight even to the point of not allowing my husband to hold them
while for instance while I use the toilet. The other consideration could
perhaps be the amount I take with me, it is perhaps not necessary to
take quite so many.
On the way I find myself thinking about our fridge how I have to
defrost it and turn it off when we go away on holiday but of course
something could go wrong while we are out during the day and I am now
anxious thinking about this. The fridge is the only electrical appliance
that I do not remove from its socket for obvious reasons and from time
to time, when we are all out it worries me if this thought pops into my
mind as it has done now. We are close to the cinema now turning back
because of my anxiety is not an option. This is because I know that the
guilt I would experience if we were to do this would be worse than the
anxiety that I am now experiencing. This is how OCD gets complicated and
one finds oneself having to choose between opposing anxieties, often two
or more contrasting anxieties present which inevitably involves choosing
the lesser of the two evils. Sometimes it is such dilemmas that are the
worst part of my OCD.
I cannot really describe to you in great detail in this entry the
enormous amount of anxiety and the hundreds if not thousands of thoughts
that pour into my mind whenever we are out but here are a few regulars
which occur whenever we go to the cinema. Will someone steal the car, if
they do and I get a migraine how will I cope. I check the car doors
several times. Will I get a headache half way through and have to either
endure it or return home to the torment of guilt? Will I get
contaminated in the toilet? In the cinema I worry will there be a stain on the
seat I have to sit in, if the tickets are numbered I will have no choice
but to remain in whatever seat I am allocated if all other seats are
taken. Although whenever we go in the mornings this is not usually the
case. Who will sit behind me, in front of me? Here are a couple of the
most anxiety provoking: Will the strong perfume the lady in the front
seat is wearing bring on a migraine,- incidentally I think it is
inconsiderate to wear overwhelmingly strong perfume in a confined space
where it is not possible if you are effected by it to move away- What is
the matter with that person behind who keeps coughing, since seeing a
film about an outbreak of Ebola and someone coughing in the cinema and
spreading this disease whenever someone coughs in the cinema this comes
to mind. These are just a few of the most common anxieties which
intrude again and again, a continual round of anxiety provoking
intrusive thoughts. Hey what was I doing watching a film about an Ebola
epidemic.... talk about self destructive... A lesson to be learnt here: be
careful about what you see.
Incidentally on the subject of being careful what you watch on the
cinema, or TV for that matter, the film we saw today is a case in point:
we went to see Apocolypto. You remember my concern about subtitles and
my attention deficient problems ... well this was the least of my
worries. There was not that much dialogue to worry about in fact, the
film anyway was fast moving and the plot was obvious even if you failed
to keep pace with the dialogue. It was a good film if you are able to
cope with explicit violently disturbing scenes
This film set in pre-Columbian south America is most
certainly not recommend for anyone such as myself who detests graphic
violence, I was going to say gratuitous violence but perhaps it was not
as these were violent cruel times and the film portrayed them as such.
Nevertheless I think that such levels of violence are not necessary and
are uncalled for. I found it depressing, stress inducing, provoking
existential anxiety and for most of the really gory parts I had to look
away. I am a highly sensitive person and even in the days when films
were less violent I still found it difficult to watch people behave with
violence towards each other or other creatures. It was as though I
vicariously felt or imagined their pain, their utter dread and horror
particularly, existential horror. My son who is very interested in pre-Columbian history, it is at
the present time one
of his Aspie preservations, said it was historically accurate but he did
not expect it to be so gruesomely explicit. I had to wonder what made
people so evil, driven by superstitious dread to sacrifice their fellow
human beings to placate some god or other. OCD sufferers have many
obsessions and compulsions which are motivated by superstitious dread
but in contrast to such hideous barbaric evil our concern is to do a
good action to counteract a bad thought or to try and change bad
circumstances. In other words those of us with religious scrupulosity
OCD try to placate God, the universe, fate or whatever with good actions
rather than evil. For instance scrupulosity is mostly motivated by fear
of harm befalling the sufferer or his or her relatives and loved ones if
we do any sinful or immoral act, and that can be a very trifling "sin" indeed
such as swearing, dropping litter in the street. It is beyond my
comprehension why people in those times thought that any god was appeased
by the mass sacrifice of other human beings or animals.
I was rather
irritated with my son he does know that this kind of thing upsets me. It
was realistic enough and I felt tainted by evil and I actual felt the
urge to shower as though by watching such evil I became tainted by it. I find evil
in the world beyond my comprehension, what pleasure does anyone derive from
causing suffering to another creature, including man of course, is utterly beyond me. What
pleasure do hunters get from shooting a bird or chasing after a fox on
horse back and watching as the dogs tear its body apart. The thought
makes me sick . And the awful scenes of violence of human sacrifice in
this film made me feel ill, depressed and despairing, it was not only
superstitious fear that drove people to commit such hideous crimes
against their fellow human beings but also pleasure.
Lately I wonder
what is the point in seeing such films they are not entertaining surely.
You do not come away feeling a lift in your mood. If some asks you did
you enjoy such and such a film, and you cannot say yes, well I would not
bother to see it. There is a difference when you are for instance
reading about such things, although personally I do not now read about
such negative subjects, because you are interested or you are making such
study as part of an education course. In which case most of us would be
incapable of really imagining in such vividly graphic detail quite what
it was like. I mean you really cannot imagine what it was like because
such a concept is beyond your experience unless someone has made it
graphically real with special effects that are so realistic it is almost
as though
you were there. For people with OCD such violent images may be
intrusively engraved in your minds eye for some considerable time.
These days I try to avoid even reading anything this negative.
Having seen this film I wonder where such ideas arose in
people’s mind. Where did the notions of these Gods arise, such hideous
Gods who demanded human blood and we are talking about genocide here.
Where did such dreadful evil practices arise and why did people so
readily accept them, surely for most people a sense of good and evil is
innate to some degree in most normal people... or is
it? Do such concepts as good
and evil arise as the human race has progressed, evolved. I could not help but
thinking of a similar evil that few seem to notice and that is the
breeding of and slaughter of other sentient beings for meat that now in
our advanced society we no longer need. Many years ago I accidentally
went into a slaughter house while delivering paper towels for a well
known hygienic supply company, the scene was horrific, blood everywhere a
sickening sight and one I will never forget. The human race still has
a long way to go to be truly civilised and the inhumane treatment of
animals including the abusing, enslaving- for instance a
horse pulling a cart- and eating of slaughtered animals and other use of
animals for our needs is one of the next steps we need to overcome. We
will never be civilised until we stop our barbaric treatment of animals. Mind you of course we
are still very much behind in treating one another humanly. When will we
treat all creatures compassionately, respecting the right to life of all
beings.
Our treatment of animals will someday be considered barbarous.
There cannot be perfect civilisation until man realises that the rights
of every living creature are as sacred as his own.
Dr David Starr Jordan
Here
is the link to the official Apocalypto website. I guess everyone has a
different perspective and many will see this as a good fast paced action
movie.
APOCALYPTO
-- The Official Movie Website
January 10th
I have decided to at least make one small effort this year to
overcome some of the difficulties that I have. It will not appear to be
anything particualry momentous and may not even be considered as part of
my OCD, but I hope to try to tackle this growing problem with anxieties
about perfection where this relates to my artwork and my writing,
particualry writing for this website. if I do not I can foresee a time
when such anxieties will become incapacitating.
My perfectionist tendencies are of course compounded with my OCD
checking at least concerning writing and therefore it is a considerable
hindrance which is turning what was once a pleasure greeted with
enthusiasm to a chore that is beginning to fill me with dread. Of course
it is not only OCD sufferers who suffer with this problem but for us and
indeed anyone with an anxiety disorder perfectionist tenancies can most
certainly thwart your endeavours which are most likely undertaken as a
distraction from your anxiety. It has now got to the stage that I feel
anxious whenever I attempt to write anything or begin my artwork. I have
noticed a tendency to procrastinate and delay. This is particualry the
case with artwork if a painting or a drawing cannot be altered after
making a mistake. This inhibits creativity as I am hesitant to
experiment and try new ideas.
The fear of depression as a result of even
the smallest of failures however wrongly perceived as such is becoming
incapacitating. Indecision and checking and indeed other OCD issues,
such as fears concerning toxins in paint to name but one problem which
presents from time to time and limits the materials I can use, are also
factors in my problems with art and writing, but these are compounded by
my perfectionist tendencies. I seem unable to finish a painting to my
complete satisfaction, even when it is hanging on the wall I look at all
it's faults glaring, staring back at me, at least faults according to my
exaggerated perspective, the temptation to remove it and work on it some
more is overpowering. The biggest problem however concerning my artwork
is beginning a new painting or drawing as the anxiety about it being
less than perfect leaves me paralysed and lacking motivation. Again it
is a two edged sword: I become depressed it I do not pursue my art and
writing however I become depressed if it is not completed to my idea of
perfection which is most likely an exaggerated even a neurotic ideal. I
will never ever be satisfied with anything that I write or paint or draw
it is problem for many people. In some it can lead to accomplishment of
great works of art and to the discoveries of many beneficial things in
all fields of human endeavour such as science or
medicine. However for people such as I and also my son it can lead to
depression, dissatisfaction, lack of motivation and to complete
abandonment of our endeavour. So this is by no means a trifling problem
but a major hindrance.
There is an adage that quality is better than quantity and maybe in
certain situations this is true but in the case of perfectionism
where the perfectionist tenancy is neurotic it is better to aim for
quantity rather than quantity. Mostly because for people such as myself
quality will never be achieved, at least quality enough to satisfy my
ideal of perfection tainted as it is with what only can be described as
unrealistic even deluded expectations. This is particualry so concerning
my writing . I am not a professional writer and never will be. Due to the
probability of attention deficit disorder or even an autism spectrum
disorder and various learning difficulties I will never produce a
perfectly spelt, grammatically correct piece of writing and one
that is not rambling or has the potential to upset others. For indeed we
cannot be sensitive to what does or does not effect others as we are all
so different. When I am speaking of writing something that may cause
upset or offence I am of course again speaking from an OCD perspective
or ruminative speculation that this or that however obviously benign
could adversely effect others. I am not of course speaking of obviously
offensive comments.
So nothing will ever be perfect concerning my writing so from now on
I endeavour, with in reason of course, to be less fussy about perfection
and getting everything just so. After many hours spent checking,
correcting, editing and ruminating my writing is still not perfect and
to my satisfaction. It would be the same if I had a degree in English.
Somehow I would still harbour neurotic concerns and still ruminate and
be dissatisfied , even if I were to win the noble prize for literature,
I am kidding of course, I would not be satisfied. This tendency will
always be in my nature, I will unlikely overcome these thoughts that tell
me that my written work is not correct or my painting is rubbish. Such thoughts
crowd my mind in the same way as any other more obvious OCD
thoughts tend to and indeed at this stage such thoughts can become a
part of my OCD. So I know that I will never reach my ideal of perfection
as my mind is continually shifting the goal posts . So now I will
endeavour not to allow such concerns as perfectionism to destroy these
pass-times that in the beginning where beneficial to my ability to
distract from and gain some respite from my OCD. So if in the future my
writing appears to deteriorate view this has prgress rather an indication
that I am not coping. However having said that I of course cannot
guarantee that such will not be the case for I do feel that due to my
increase in illnesses my writing appears not to be of the standard it
once was despite all the perfectionist anxieties.
From today I hope to aim for quantity rather than quality and try to
not waste time and energy obsessing and trying to attain unrealistic
ideals
particualry concerning my writing here in my blog where such
perfectionism is perhaps not required in any case. A lot of people who
write diaries and this blog is partly a diary do not necessary do so
with grammatical perfection. After all the spontaneity is often
inhibited by my focus on the mechanics of writing rather than trying
relate my life as a sufferer of OCD and other vexing maladies which is
the main purpose of this blog
January 10th
I am experiencing what very well may be RSI repetitive strain injury
and this is another reason why I need to kerb my perfectionist
obsession. RST injury is related to overuse of the computer. RSI I would
have thought would have been a problem for those who use a compter all
day at work. However the intensity of my activities on the computer
might well mean that the amount of injury that a normal person would
sustain with inproper use may be condensed in a couple of hours of use
for someone like me whose whole body reacts to stress, not only the
physical stresses of holding my body incorrectly but also from the state
of continual anxiety which arises from my OCD problems which effect my
activities on the computer. Sitting here now anxious about what I write
and finding it difficult to express myself I find my shoulders hunched
with a painful burning sensation in this vicinity. A bad muscle tension in my
forehead and many other places is causing psychical problems to arise.
Such exaggerated tension over time accentuates the likelihood that I
could acquire RSI even though I work on my computer for a lot less
time than a person who is working with a compter all day. Moreover my
fibromyalgia causes muscle pain and stiffness and this may also be
further accentuated by my work on the computer and not paying attention
to posture and the increase in muscle tension that using the computer
generates.
The other day or two ago the numbness and stiffness woke me during
the night and also as soon as I began to type or use the mouse. It is
less problematic today but it is nonetheless worrying. A fellow OCD
sufferer Luis Leonl Lopez mentioned earlier has sent in the following link which may
be of use to those of us who suffer in this way or rather as a
preventive method as most certainly with RSI prevention is better than
cure.
Workrave
Remember though for this or other health concern it is strongly
advised that your see a doctors for a proper diagnosis. It is also
essential to seek treatment immediately if you think you are suffering
from RSI as this can lead to significant incapacity.
Please note if you send me useful links I will not publish your name
unless you ask me to do so. If you know of any website that may be of
use to anyone with the condtions included on this website please send
them to me for inclusion. But please no obviously commercial websites. You know the type of website where the obvious motivation is
profit and there is nothing of any value that is freely distributed.
Links to informative websites
R.S.I. Page
Good explanation and useful exercises.
BBC - Health - Healthy living - Repetitive strain injury (RSI)
January 14th
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
Carl Jung
The wind is again blowing quite a gale, the sky is heavy with cloud
but in between the sun is shinning in sudden bursts and for the first
time this winter I notice the winter pansies which are blooming in our
backyard despite the wet, damp and windy winter. It is the first time I
have paid much attention to these pretty flowers despite the effort we
make each year to plant them to add a little colour to our rather
depleted garden which at this time of year appears rather bedraggled.
The flowers are a reminder of how little I notice the positives in
life as my attention is mostly focused upon the negatives. Mind you
there are many negatives for me, and I am no saint and make no apologies
for all my complaining, it your neck felt as painful as mine is right
now or your leg was numb and you are are afraid and you have had five
migraines within seven days and you where beset by one health problem
after another I doubt you would not be complaining also, and there is no
shame in this. Illness on a persistent bases can wear you down. I am not
the type who accepts suffering with good grace as I see no point in
suffering. I cannot accept it as a learning experience or even as a gift
for growth. No indeed the continual round of suffering is misery and a
torment which words cannot describe. But despite all my unhappiness and
yes it has to be said bitterness I can still appreciate this little bit
of beauty symbolising nature's resistance even in extremes of weather on
a bleak winter's day.
Here are a few inspiring positive quotations. Also two photographs
to remind you of the beauty of nature and that after winter spring
follows
Most of us
have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.
Dale
Carnegie
In all
things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
Aristotle
Human
beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the
outer aspects of their lives.
William James
I have learned to seek my
happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy
them.
John Stuart Mills
Face your
deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let
them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.
Helen
Keller
January 14th
Indecision
is
debilitating;
it
feeds
upon
itself;
it
is,
one
might
almost
say,
habit-forming.
Not
only
that,
but
it
is
contagious;
it
transmits
itself
to
others.
Gordon Graham
Why do I feel so embarrassed about
my medical problems. I am in the second hand book shop, it is a regular
port of call, my son in particular likes looking for bargains here
amongst the unusual and obscure. I have been in here for about an hour
and have already visited the toilet three times. I doubt really that
anyone notices but I feel self conscious, awkward. The shop is virtually
empty except for a couple of other people. The lady behind the counter
looks up every time someone comes by and this I find embarrassing but it
is I imagine instinctive, have you noticed just how much people tend to
look at each other, it drives me crazy, but of course sales staff have
to keep an eye on customers for obvious reasons. I feel that people can
sense that there is something wrong and I imagine that they know I am
mentally ill and they wonder what I can be doing in the toilet for so
long and so frequently. My son tells me I look like an Aspie:
dishevelled, untidy a bit wild, and he is correct, at least concerning
the dishevelled wild part as I have no idea what Aspies look like having
only personally known my son who incidentally does not appear to have
any of these characteristics but I digress, and I guess it is this that
attracts attention as I do not look typical of people my age. If indeed
I do attract attention and such is not all in my imagination. People do
look at each other though and it is just something people do and it is
not therefore unusual or indicative of there being something odd about
me when I catch people looking my way. I look at other people, but it is
when there is eye contact that I feel most uncomfortable so I tend to
walk about with my eyes towards the ground or in the far distance to
avoid accidental eye contact.
I have IBS and today it is a real nuisance and that is
putting it mildly. I have just had to see to a migraine attack in the
car in the car park administering my medication and lying down for
nearly an hour for it to take effect. I will not go into graphic detail,
my migraine medication is administered as a suppository and is a
nightmare of contamination worries and prior preparations of battles of
water, tissues soap and some changes of cloths and a lot of extra
washing of cloths when I return home. No I cannot take an oral
medication in case it should not be as effective, so I adhere to the
adage that if something works you don’t fix it. This was the way this
medication was prescribed and this medication works, at least for now.
But I do so worry that because it is being used more frequently that as
a result its effectiveness many diminish. This is a great anxiety
particularly here in the middle of nowhere so to speak some sixty miles
from home.
This morning I had woken with a headache which after a
short respite became increasingly worse. However after a tearful episode
including an angry outburst or meltdown borne of sheer frustration at
the perversity of my life, my headache seemed to ease somewhat. Usually
I try to keep control of my emotions such as tearfulness and anger
particularly these volatile explosive episodes as such can increase the
severity of an existing headache, bring on either a migraine or tension
headache even if one is not already present. But just sometimes I cannot
contain the anger, the frustration and the bitter disappointment, concerning
the necessity of changing plans and making a decision to do so and the
feelings of guilt and depression which invariably arise after letting
everyone down. Sometimes such outbursts relieve a headache somewhat but
mostly the symptoms are accelerated. But this time there was some relief
for a while and after a lot of indecision, all of us find decision
making difficult, and after making one decision not to go until
Wednesday we finally decided to go, my husband son and I. Well actually I
could stand it no longer and said “lets go and hope for the best”
although not in the calm manner the last phrase implies it was more of
an hysterical outcry of defiance, more like: “I am so bloody sick of all
this bloody misery every time I want to go out I get a soding headache,
what have I done to deserve this!”; I grow weary of all this every time
I wish to go out - well it is not every time of course but it sure feels
that way particularly since this sudden increase in my migraine and
headaches.
It was a only matter of ten or fifteen minutes as my son and husband
where preparing to go that my headache once again began to increase in
severity. Oh the perversity of life, it is as though all this torment is
by design and my sister and I’s notion that we are all part of some
bizarre game in some virtual reality seems somehow more feasible. ( I am
ruminating about the phrase “my sister and I’s
notion” in the last sentence as the spell/ grammar checker questions it,
but hey I am not supposed to be obsessing over grammatical or other
writing errors right!, I know what I mean you know what I mean and that
is what is important not wasting hours trying to figure out how to write
that last phrase correctly. Now I am obsessing if it is correct to use
“” or‘’ in my sister’s and Is’ notion aggghhh). Not now knowing what the
hell to do and not wanting to be responsible for changing plans but
conversely obsessing that I have already changed plans that others had
changed which had negated my responsibly, we go as planned... well sort
of planned. The others now seem immovable not recognising to all the hints
that I am dropping that the situation has again changed - my son, having Asperger's syndrome, and my husband, whom I suspect as also being on the
autism spectrum or at the least having significant traits, are both
impervious to subtle hints or even huge blatantly obvious hints such as
that “bloody headache has got worse again”
( I have to laugh here now as I write this as in retrospect it does
appear humorous and if I where to tell a psychologist I would probably
laugh giving the impression that the situation is not that problematic,
when in reality it was stressful for all of us as none of us, as can cope
with our own problems let alone the complexity which rises from these
interactions between three neurotic anxious people in a nightmare of
dysfunction. I think my inability to explain the serious nature of such
situations as been one of the many reasons that I am unable to cope with
my OCD or to adequately explain the severity and pervasive nature of its
presentation in my life) I can't come out and be responsible for changing
plans again despite the continual rumination that I had done that
already so rather than alter arrangements yet again, later than we
intended, which at this time of year causes anxieties travelling home in
the dark, we set off.
Before barely leaving the precincts of the village I
begin to regret my hasty decision, my headache is most definitely
getting worse and could well be migraine. The indecision is killing me,
I regret so much having suggested going after a decision had been made
to postpone. We stop for petrol I feel increasingly much worse. My
husband finally suggested returning but overwhelmed by guilt and
indecision I doggedly suggest we continue at least until we get to the
town of Barnard Castle some miles distant. “Lets wait and see what
happens“ I say. I yet again immediately regret not accepting the offer
to turn back and begin ruminating that I am changing fate. At times like
this I wish my husband could make the decisions and be more insistent
which at times he can be, stubbornly so in fact while at others he
wavers.
We arrive at Barnard Castle and still I am indecisive,
my mind a turmoil of confusion my head is pounding. I have to visit the
toilet as is now the case whenever we go out due to the constant
anxiety, the feelings of urgency and my IBS. The short walk to the
public facility seems to alleviate my headache somewhat which bizarrely
enough increases my anxiety as it makes the decision more difficult,
less clear cut. Still in a turmoil of indecision I suggest going at
least to the next town to "see how I feel when I get there." You
must be thinking now what a real pain in the neck this person is. Yes I
know that all this indecisiveness is not only stressful for myself but
also for my husband and son. But I cannot help the way I am and have at
this juncture in my life no strategy or any remote idea how to deal with
these dilemmas, which sadly are frequent. So we make our way in the now
deteriorating weather of driving wind and rain over the narrow roads of
the Yorkshire dales, the wind rocking the car, the windscreen a blur
from the during rain. This is the long way round it would be more direct
to use the Trans Pennine route but his is a high speed major A road,
nerve racking at the best of times and with gale force winds at
unusually high velocities it is even more hazardous. Images of previous
accidents here as seen on TV intrude in my minds eye and today weather
warnings make me too anxious to go on this particularly open windswept
route.
Despite the wind, rain and my increasingly painful
headache I appreciate this more scenic albeit longer trip over the dales.
I do feel a pang of sadness as we pass by wet bedraggled sheep with
little or no shelter in the driving relentless rain. They are a picture
of dejection and misery, poor suffering creatures my heart aches for
them. I do actually like what is referred to as wild and woolly weather
it is in it’s own way awesome and has a beauty and excitement all of its
own, the rush and roar of the wind is exhilarating but the sad plight of
such creatures as farm animals and horses mars any pleasure. Such
feelings play a role in my mood, the extent of my depression is somewhat
determined by my inability to shut of the sufferings of others,
including other creatures, it is difficult to be happy even without my
OCD and other anxieties while other creatures suffer. Moreover I feel
guilt in my pleasure that I derive from wild windy wet weather because
of the suffering that such causes to so many.
The road winds over the hills for well
over twelve miles or so, all the way I am regretting my impulsive
decision to come and my refusal to turn back as my headache becomes more
pronounced. We do not stop to take pictures of two very handsome rams,
we have forgotten the camera in the confusion of indecision and haste to
get started on this long journey - at least long considering the limited
hours of daylight. In any case the pressure of time is causing so much
stress that I doubt I would have coped with stopping now and again to
take photos. We finally arrive in the next town where inevitably I have
to stop at the toilets. I am anxious this time to get out of the car
fearful that my headache has become so much worse that it will pound as
a result of such increased activity and that finally I recognise it as
being a migraine. My heart sinks at the thought of the hassle to come as
I will of necessity need to take my migraine medication. Finally I get
out of the car to find that my anxieties are indeed a reality and my
headache has become much worse and feels more like migraine yet still am
not sure not wishing to take my medication unnecessarily we continue our
way to our destination, Sedbergh in Cumbria, referred to as the
bookshop town of England as most of the shops here sell second hand
books.
Sedbergh, England's Booktown It
is now only twelve miles distant, I would feel very depressed and guilty
if we turned back now and therefore I resign myself to taking my migraine medication
in the towns car park.
After which I have only a couple of
hours to browse in the bookshop. I am so stressed and anxious, feeling
that despite much washing very contaminated and I worry that I
will contaminate others. At one time of course I found it difficult to
touch anything second hand partially books but this is not the problem
that it once was accept if the book is marked or it is very old, an
antiquarian, there are a few such books here and many books that are
several decades old. My greatest concern nowadays is that once I become
contaminated that I will than contaminate others. The book shop here is
incredible, it sells books from as little as £2 to thousands of pounds,
today there is a copy of one of the first additions of Dr Samuel
Johnson’s dictionary over £2000 - rather out of my price
range :-). I buy nothing myself too stressed to concentrate, most of the
books I would like are too expensive but it is fascinating to have a
look round, there are many unusual and obscure titles here on a whole
range of subjects that you
would not find in a regular book shop. I
have mostly in any case come for the ride as it is a splendid ride
though the hills to the town of Sedergh nestling in the Howgill fells
The Howgill Fells it is a
very small but picturesque town with several second hand book shops. But
today due to delays and the short winter day with seems even shorter on
dark cloudy days such as today our time here is limited. I regret in
many ways the decision to come here against all odds, in retrospect it
would have been better to postpone our trip and I think that most people
would have done so. Often with chronic illness the situation can be
worse it you continually fight against it to an unreasonable degree. I
had looked forward to this trip out, it is one of my favourite places,
the countryside is so beautiful, wild unspoiled, but instead of a
pleasurable respite it become a nightmare of misery.
About 3pm we leave to make our journey home, we have
had time only to visit one shop. I am anxious about travelling in the dark,
an unreasonable anxiety I know, but most of my anxieties are of course,
but this one is perhaps shared by many people who for the most part are
quite normal. However still determined to try and glean some pleasure
from the day I suggest stopping at our favourite local pub on the way
home, they do the most delicious coffee and it would kind of round off
the trip out in a normal way. Often I do not know what I really want,
what really brings pleasure, sometimes I do what I feel normal people
who are not depressed would do, such as stop for a drink on the way
home. I do like this pub although there have been one or two encounters
with dogs so I enter with some trepidation after a lengthy shall we
shouldn’t we debate in the car park, another round of indecision.
However it is fast getting dark and I am anxious, but we figure we can
make it over the dales and to Barnard castle before dark, after reaching
this town the trip albeit in the dark will be less anxiety provoking. So
we sit and chat the wind is blowing a gale and I am anxious but know
that I would have enjoyed this stop off if it were not for all my
anxieties, now so many in number that it makes anything I do throughout
the day a trauma of indecision and fearful stress.
We stay too long, it is getting dark but we go over
the hills anyway after yet another indecisive debate, the anxiety of
taking the shorter Trans Pennine route is more daunting albeit ten miles
shorter. The roads over the dales seems interminably long, it getting
rapidly much darker and it is as though the road will never end. At one
point I even considered the possibilty that during the outgoing journey
that I must have blacked out as I just cannot recall this journey taking
so long on this occasion or on other previous occasions when we have
gone home this way. It was not the best of days out but at least I try
and despite my headaches, anxieties and other traumas I can still
appreciate some of the best countryside we have here into the UK.
The
risk
of a
wrong
decision
is
preferable to
the
terror
of indecision
Maimonides
January 16th
While surfing the net this
morning I came across an interesting article which makes the connection
between Tourette syndrome/ OCD and creativity.
"As scientists are finding
the genetic causes of TS and OCD and the parts of the brain that is
affected by these disorders, they are also finding the full range of
symptoms that accompany TS and OCD. The physiological and psychological
characteristics that are being discovered as generally associated with
Tourette Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder are qualities that
greatly help stimulate the creative process thus making TS/OCD inflicted
persons more susceptible to creativity."
To read the complete
article:
Tourette Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Creativity -
Associated C
January 17th
The
life spark in my eyes is in no way different than the life spark in the
eyes of any other sentient being.
Michael Stepaniak, quoted in Joanne
Stepaniak, The Vegan Sourcebook, 1998
If you have men who will
exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity,
you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.
St. Francis of Assisi
It is yet another cloudy windy day and again we are in
the Yorkshire dales ascending the steep road through the Stang Forest
into the dales, the drop in temperature is apparent as we ascend the
hill, a bitter wind is blowing yet another gale, a sharp contrast to the
milder weather in the valley. We try to get out of the car for a short
walk into the forest but here on the hill the wind is far too cold it
would be no pleasure to do so. As I have said before often I take part
in actives in order to feel that I doing something that in more
favourable circumstances I would enjoy if it were not for my OCD,
depression, migraine and so on and on. Yes I would like to roam about
the many footpaths that criss-cross the dales and many of the other wild
places we visit, I long to be a serious hiker to walk through this
virtually unspoiled countryside, to feel the wind on my face, to enjoy
the left in one’s mood one normally gets from the peace and tranquilly
of nature. But often such forced endeavours are simply or rarely
enjoyable as often it is a struggle with both my mind and body and today
the bitter cold weather adds to my difficulties. Yet the sudden pang of
depression is felt immediately because we have decided not to go for
this walk as planned. Instead we will wander around the valleys and find
a place to stop and read and admire the view.
This time it is just a short trip, this would have
been the day we would have gone had we decided to postpone that last
rather disastrous trip on Monday. I guess we are here to compensate.
Today I have no headache but the anxiety of getting one presents itself
as it always does. But I try to make the most of my life despite such
anxieties, I need to get out of the house. Moreover my son needs some
time to himself, some space. Today it is just my husband and I, my son
in any case is not keen on days out solely in the countryside
particularly on a cold windswept wet and thoroughly miserable winter’s
day.
At first when we stop at the top of the hill the sun is still
shinning and the magnificent view is a pleasure I can honesty say I
experience every time we come here. This route into the Dales was much
enjoyed by my brother-in-law and I always remember him whenever we come
here. Often I wish my sister could have seen this, she had a very
limited life due to her agoraphobia, she never ventured far from the
city where she was born and were she lived for most of her life. If she
did the anxiety was at times overwhelming and often planned holidays
would never be enjoyed as the further she went from home her anxieties
increased and often only a few miles from their destination she and her
husband would turn back. She had few holidays away from home and those
she did have where anxious stress filled experiences. I guess it is the
same for me, those of you who have read my memoir will know of the
difficulties I have experienced and often the only thing that has kept
me from returning home is the fear of the awful guilt I would experience
as a consequence and also my obsession with changing fate.
As we make our way through the dales the weather is rapidly deteriorating. We stop for
lunch hoping to get coffee and a plate of chips. I am limited as to what
I can eat because of the gluten free diet, often a plate of chips is my
only option. The tea room we visit during the winter is closed. I have
no food with me. I hate the necessity of going into a public place of
which I am not familiar: There are several other cafe’s and pubs we
visit them all, I find some fault with all of them but it is the
anxiety, not knowing whether or not there is a dog. Not likely in a tea
room but the pub is another matter, on occasion I have been confronted
by the presence of a dog even though food is served. Food in pubs is
still relatively a new innovation here in the UK and I guess people are
not in the habit of not taking their dog into a pub.
However the only place which has a side servings of
chips is a pub and with some trepidation we enter. I really must say I
grow so weary of the anxiety concerning such places and the possibility
of dogs even if the likelihood is negligible. Unless I know for certain
the anxiety of a confrontation with a dog induces anticipatory
uneasiness. Entering the bar I look round to see if there are any dogs.
Two
men at the bar look up as we enter as people do, but I hate that so
much, accidental eye contact is overwhelming I feel self conscious
embarrassed. They keep staring for a while than continue with their
conversation. I have the overwhelming urge to ask them if their parents
ever told them it was rude to stare. It is an amazing place very old, I
would guess at least a couple of centuries perhaps older. A real fire
blazes away in what looks like an original fire place. It really is
cosy, we find seats by the fireside and in front of the window. I try to
arrange the seats so that if a dog enters its approach will be blocked.
In my experience I find dogs seem to instinctively know I am
anxious about them and make a beeline in my direction, or is this just
my imagination? The seats are old, the upholstery rather grubby. I am
anxious checking out the cushions choosing the least grubby one and
sitting on my coat which I arrange to protect myself from contact with
the stained material. Notwithstanding my anxieties which continue it is
really quite pleasant sitting here on a bitterly cold winter’s day in
front of a roaring fire, the wind howling. The staff are pleasant, the
chips are plentiful, the coffee is divine and if it was not for my
anxiety I could say it was most pleasant indeed .
It gets very dark, huge black clouds roll down from
the hillside, it begins to sleet. The two men at the bar make remarks
about the end of the world a comment referring no doubt to global
warming and climate change despite the fact that actually it is mid
winter and the weather is behaving normally. I love the snow but
distressing
thoughts come, my heart sinks and I feel sad as I think of the sheep and
other animals unprotected out in the exposed windswept hills often with
no shelter in fields bare of anything not even a wall. The door opens I
look with my heart in my mouth should a dog enter. Fortunately not this
time. Someone passes by the window, is he about to enter the pub does he
have dog. I am too apprehensive to use the toilet anxious to turn an
unfamiliar corner in a place I have not been before. Nervous thoughts
crowd my mind concerning an impending trip to the doctors and I find
myself struggling to try to dismiss such intrusions and a kind of
sadness prevails; despite the pleasant setting there is much internal
turmoil to migrate
this peaceful idyll and the strain to try and enjoy that which I know I
would enjoy if it where not for all my maladies brings some stress and
as always mars the occasion.
Afterwards with some hesitation to leave the warm
inviting confines of the pub we make our way into the hills and
read for a while, a walk is really now not an option as the wind is
increasing in its velocity and as we ascend the hill the rain sleet and
snow obscure the windscreen and the wind rocks the car as we try to sit
and read and to admire the view. It is a little scary and I am anxious
but I am not sure why. I am aware of sheep in a field down in the valley
running to find what little shelter there is as more squalls of snow and
sleet are blown in as black ominous clouds race over the hills. I like
wild and woolly weather, nature is awesome but sadly cruel and I feel
sorrow for the sheep huddled together in sparse undergrowth. As finally
driven by the increasing cold we make our way back down to the valley we
pass by many such sheep struggling to find shelter amongst the
scattering of gorse bushes These sheep are lucky compared to those we
pass in a field. I nearly cry when I see them in a barren empty field
deprived of any shelter, not a bush, not even a wall, poor wet sodden
creatures. Water drips from them, they stand forlorn dejected depressed.
Yes animals feel depression despite what many believe. I do not accept
that they are used to such conditions ,no they endure it, they have no
choice. In the wild animals seek shelter and if there is shelter you
will observe that in most cases animals will take advantage of it. I
feel much sadness for the plight of animals used for our convenience,
sentient feeling beings treated so shamefully. Would it really be that
much to ask for farmers to provide them with some sort of shelter.
I cannot get this imagine from my mind of these poor
dejected sheep. They were Leicester bluefaced sheep which do not have
the thick woolly coats that the Swaledale sheep have and are therefore
in a worse state than the sheep which naturally graze these hills. I do
not care how oversensitive I appear I think it is shameful to leave any
creature even those more adapted to this adverse environment trapped in
miserable conditions. Information about the dales in an exhibition in
the visitor's centre says that Swaledale sheep are used to the inclement
weather, even heavy snow. However I rather think that this is not the
case at all, although it might appear so, but
in reality they have no choice other than to endure it. Every time it rains snows or the wind is blowing
and the temperature drops I think of such creatures mostly sheep here in
the northeast but cows even horses are left in fields not protected
against the elements. As night time descends I imagine what hell it most
be during the sixteen hours of darkness in the winter.
We make our way home earlier than last time, I do not
relish another drive through the hills in the dark. The days are however
getting longer, already it is still light at five o clock and I look
forward to the spring, the lighter nights hopefully warmer weather and
the adorable spring lambs that will be seen everywhere here. But it is
still mid January, the forecast is not good, cold weather is promised
but I guess this is an inevitable synopsis for the days to come we will
not escape the winter without at least one cold spell.
Below
is a photograph taken on the way in a field in the valley. Here at least
the sheep are well fed as they crowd round a huge bale of hay. It was a
day of contrast and a sunny spell brings the most lovely rainbow you can
see in the background
January 25th
As a rule, men worry more about what they can't
see than about what they can.
Julius Caesar
Tomorrow I need to have my ears syringed at least twice each
year and although I delay it and find the procedure somewhat stressful,
mostly due to the noise, I really do not get that anxious, but today all
of sudden the very thought of having this done altered my mood the
moment the thought occurred. There was nothing I could do to mitigate
this thought or to improve the decline in my mood despite many attempts
at self talk in order to rationalise this and realise that although it
is a little stressful, it, compared to many things I have had to endure
recently, is not that big a problem. So why did my mood become more
depressed. All through the afternoon my mood increasingly become more
meloncholic, I became lethargic and lost interest in anything and
everything. All afternoon I asked myself why do I feel so depressed over this
one thought about something that until right now I had thought little
about.
Is it because I need to ask the nurse if she would
take my blood pressure? Again not a big deal, a simple painless
procedure which I give little thought to, at least not to the procedure
itself but this time I guess I feel rather anxious that my blood
pressure may be high. Normally my blood pressure is good for my age but
last Friday it was very high according to the nurse at the local
hospital. Recently I have had a bit of a health scare, a real one ,not
one resulting from anxiety or hypochondrical imaginings. I will not go
into details because I have a superstitious fear that sharing such
information may increase the likelihood that there is a serious problem
even though the tests including a ultra sound scan where negative. I had
been through weeks of worry all over Christmas and had been relieved
when the radiologist told me there was no a problem, but I still had to
have all the routine tests that they do in hospitals, including a blood
pressure test. The nurse told me that my blood pressure was high, well
over the boarder line threshold. I asked if I should see my GP but got
no definite response. Don’t you just hate it when someone ignores you
like this. I should have persisted but was still anxious as I had not
yet seen the doctor and until I had I was not convinced that I was okay.
I sat there as she went away, alone in this awful windowless fluorescent
lit room barely able to cope with the bright light which at the best of
times presents problems but which in this instance was further
accentuated by a significant headache. The relief felt earlier
dissipated in that instant. I could really not believe it, I had just
experienced the sweet taste of relief that the original problem had been
nothing to worry about and now even before I left the hospital there I
was presented with a new health worry, high blood pressure which for
anyone, but particularly someone p |
