Links to recommended anxiety disorder blogs:

Again it is almost time for the dreadful slaughter of newly born seals to commence. Still after many years of campaigning by concerned individuals and organisations this atrocity continues.

"The European Commission is considering a seal-product trade ban that would save millions of seals from a horrible fate. You can help convince the EU to end the cruel seal product trade now!"

Please complete the survey in the link below, it is not as complex as it may at first seem and there is guidance on how to answer the questions which are multiple choice. If you are at all able to do this please take the short amount of time required to do so.

I am not sure if you have to live in the EU ( European Union) to complete this survey however as the drop down menu listing country of origin lists most countries I would imagine the survey is open to anyone from any country, so please try and see.

BanSealTrade.org

There are also other actions you can take to help ban this awful slaughter of these helpless creatures.

For further information and other actions you can take to help with the campaign to stop the Canadian Seal hunt please click the link below

Protect Seals | Save Baby Seals | Stop the Canadian Seal Hunt

February2nd

I am of late finding it difficult to come here and write on my blog as at times this can be so overwhelming as once I begin to write so much seems to present itself, and I can ramble on and on and it can be exhausting. I guess I am going through a bad patch as the saying goes, or to be more precise an even worse patch than usual. For never at any time is life easy for me and it has been this way now for so long that it is difficult to recall a time when I was not severely effected by my OCD or by general anxiety, fear and depression.

Depression which saps motivation is the main culprit here but also other problems which I feel too anxious to discuss right now. I am at a very low ebb and find I can't cope with the huge effort that is required for me to write which as you know if you are a regular visitor includes OCD checking and anxieties about causing harm as a result of my writings. My inability to co-ordinate my typing which I believe to be the result of being dyspraxic Dyspraxia Foundation - Symptoms and an inability to spell make writing an enormous task which few really appreciate or understand. Suffice it to say that at the present time I am too depressed and anxious to write much of anything. I hope the situation changes . I am working on an article, two in fact but my OCD is making them difficult to complete with all the checking and anxieties involved.

It has been a long time since I have written an article or have updated the main website in any way. So today at least I have managed to prepare for download some more of John's photographs sized for use as desktop wall paper. This time rather than download them all to their various categories I have included a separate page for the latest additions to the desktop wallpaper section so that you might more easily locate the latest photographs which will remain on this temporary page for a couple of months or until the next update.

John's photographs : selection of nine new photographs suitable for desktop wallpaper

February 5th

William Styron

Warning: Mild swearing

Well I am now completely off my prophylactic migraine medication which was doing nothing, nothing at all and that includes an increase in my depression which I had assumed was possibly the result of this medication. But no my depression is as profound as ever, there has been no decrease as a result of not taking this medication. So why is my depression worse than usual and seems now set to remain at this new level and is not the result of an episode of more profound depression which happens from time to time. What I am trying to say is my depression has taken a another step, another level in the increase of its severity. 

I have been chronically depressed for as long I can recall. Mild to moderate, although now it appears that mild might not be a word I can use at anytime to describe my depression,  it is a constant companion altered only by the occasional bout of even more severe depression which can last a day or two. But depression in some form or another is never absent. So why am I more depressed; what has made my depression deeper?

It is difficult to for a doctor or mental health professional to assess the decree of severity in any individual and with depression there is no point in making such a categorisation or comparison except of course in order to provide the msot effective treatment. I might be able to come here and write but it is only with a huge amount of determination as lately this increase in my depressed mood has sapped my motivation to come here in the early hours of the morning as I once did and write in my blog.  Yes a mental health professional might see that as indicative that my depression is not severe. In fact during my stay in a psychiatric hospital twenty years ago I and another lady where told that our depression was not that serious as compared with some patients they had cared for who where, for example  catatonic, people who would not move not even to go to the toilet or eat. I do not recall the details but we where left to believe that our depression was not considered a significant problem by comparison. I  have never forgotten this because although neither she nor I was as depressed to the extent as someone in this unfortunate condition, or indeed compared to some of our fellow patients, this did not mean that our depression was mild, insignificant or did not have a detrimental effect on our lives.  After all both she and I lived in a constant state of dread, anxiety, and at times outright fear, compelled to live within a confined existence dictated by our respective conditions. There is little to choose between the negative conditions of depression and anxiety both are an utter misery, and one can bring about the other, particularly anxiety. Anxiety is almost certain to lead to depression. My brother-in-law, my husbands brother, suffered severe depression possibly as a result of anxiety, a symptom of anxiety or vice versa or as a chemical imbalance the resulting depression giving rise to anxiety which in his case centred on money even though there was no cause for concern in that area of his life. But of course the reality of the situation does not determine either ones level of anxiety or its focus. Often with people who are depressed, unfounded worries may arise even obsessive compulsive behaviours and concerns.

It is pointless to compare my depression with perhaps someone for instance with untreated bipolar during a depressed episode, notwithstanding this it does not mean my depression is not severe at times and a significant detriment. Depression does also effect ones OCD and vice versa. I find it difficult to understand anyone with OCD who says that he is not depressed. The very nature of OCD is a recipe for depression. How can one lead such a restricted life, be continuously tormented by intrusive thoughts and sometimes images, be compelled to carry out exhausting and time consuming rituals and not be depressed. How can you watch your whole life slip by standing on the periphery of existence as it passes you by and not feel depressed. How can you try new ventures, pastimes, endeavours only to find OCD rears its ugly head, presents so many obsessions and compulsions that in the end you are so overwhelmed that you yet again concede defeat, and not feel depressed. How can you not share your life with loved ones and not have OCD effect them, how can you watch OCD spoil their lives also as a consequence of living with such an unhappy and restricted person as yourself and not feel depressed.

I sure feel depressed each and every day of my life. My heart is weighted down by a heaviness, a profound sadness, a constant feeling of misery. Yes somehow I am here today writing this,  but only becasue I feel driven to do so becasue of a compulsion to share with you what it is like to have OCD. Any
pleasure - although that is a word I feel I can not use at all nowadays, perhaps satisfaction is more apt - any satisfaction I once derived has gone and at times it has become a chore, a source of anxiety as it has  become itself enmeshed within the complex web of OCD thinking and behaviours. I am not sure if this compulsion rises from OCD in the same way as a compulsion to for example, wash my hands. It does not feel this way but it is nevertheless a driving compulsion with a strong element of anxiety if ignored. But not the fearful anxiety that is more commonly felt with OCD proper when one is under the influence of an unwanted thought driving a compulsion that has to be carried out to prevent a dire circumstance.

Rather it is a compulsion akin perhaps to an unrelenting urge to gamble. An obsession but again not in the same way as an OCD type obsession, such as an obsession concerned with contamination which requires I shower because I feel contaminated or the compulsion to carry out rituals which occur in some superstitious types of obsession such as at one time having to read passages from the bible during the throes of severe religious OCD; or having to endlessly check everything I write over an over until the point arrives that I am afraid to begin to write, as the case is right now; or having to check food to see if it is tampered with because someone may get poisoned;  just to name a very very few of the endless round of obsessions that give rise to compulsions that present day in and day out. And this in addition to pure the O type of obsessions, such as endless thinking about death, aging and philosophical issues.  No, there are no dire consequences if I do not comply with this obsession to write about my OCD not in the same way as OCD proper. Instead this type of obsession concerns a need to explain as fully as possible my experiences as a sufferer of severe OCD, the nature of my OCD and how it has effected my life and also the existence and diagnosis of other maladies and co morbid conditions such  social anxiety which may be AS, my migraine, and the whole list of other odd physical symptoms which resemble fibromyalgia or even somatisation  disorder in order to try to get people to understand the misery of a life suffered this way and what it is like as I grow older with little hope of ever feeling any better. 

While I would like to say my obsession is driven by the motivation that what I write will help people in the future to gain more understanding and better therapy it would not really be entirely true, at least it is not the only reason although of course I would wish this to happen. However there exists simply an obsessive need to do this, to write everything possible about my life and the many conditions from which I suffer and how they all interact and bring about the misery of my existence as a suffer of this debilitating condition which few really understand, an existence filled with continual torment. An existence I cling to with intensity, fearing death and non existence, feeling that any existence is better than the possibilty of oblivion, a possible outcome of death which has haunted me all my life despite much soul searching and religious involvement.

Yet this obsession is often thwarted by OCD as at times, it is a torment to sit down and type as the thoughts flow as though a dam has burst in my brain and thoughts trapped by procrastination, borne of the anxiety becasue of the OCD intrusion that I know will arise that will compel me to check over and over concerning errors , which at times nonetheless get overlooked because of some mechanism in my brain which may be the result of ADD or other neurological deficit, but also for fear that some harm may result. Many long and involved entries  have been deleted, hours of work unpublished for fear that there may  be some harm as a result. Also the frustration of not being able to write freely as OCD brings about so many restrictions, fears that some thing  I may say may bring about a negative circumstance for anyone who reads what I have written.

These and other problems impede the huge task of writing which I have explained so many times and these include my lack of co-ordination which makes me type errors leave caps lock on which of course is further accentuated by poor spelling and simply an inability to arrange my thoughts into  coherent expression - at least it takes some time to do this. Furthermore my odd visual problems make it difficult as after a while this visual distortion makes it tricky to write or at least read back and correct what I have written as the words appear to shimmer and jerk and merge, which is what is happening right now, and yes that bloody caps lock, which it appears has been left on for several sentences, is a real bane as I have typed the above not looking up, touch typing being beyond my abilities. . . What is the point of capital letters anyway a real pain.

Concerning writing and indeed many other pursuits it is as though a war rages inside, a civil war as I contend with these opposing facets of my persona. Writing I know is an excellent distraction even writing about my OCD... at least it was and in some ways despite all these problems still is, at least at the finish there is something useful... depending on your perspective of course. But than the checking and ruminating about content emerged and has got worse and worse and has turned this task which afford some modicum of  satisfaction and made me feel as though I was compiling something useful into a nightmare as it does with most endeavour or facet of your life. Whatever you do in life that has any meaning for you or is in some way important  OCD will present obsessions and compulsions that ruin any endeavour. I have lost jobs, lost friends, lost interests because of OCD. Every pursuit which once brought pleasure OCD turns its attention onwards and destroys it, restricting or impeding  it with so many obsessions and compulsions it becomes a huge struggle to continue . OCD  ruined the joy of being a homemaker a mother to my son, a wife to my husband. OCD tainted our family life and it has been as struggle for all three of us and as we all get older the more difficult life has become. My son struggles with AS severe anxiety and depression, my husband also so depressed. Well I  could go on and on. You can read in  detail in my memoir about most of my struggles with OCD how it has effected my life and that of both my husband and son.

It is bizarre though that without such compulsions including those of OCD proper I would probably curl up in bed and not get up or try anything to improve my lot. Depression existing on its own without the obsessive thoughts to drive me out of bed to complete the tasks imposed by OCD and other types of obsessive compulsions, such as all my writing, would mean that I would probably have little motivation to leave my bed or do much of anything. This is of course not to imply that OCD is a good thing or has its uses, because it in itself has a lot to do with my depression as I have explained above. in fact I would suggest that in a way it is cyclical. OCD generates depression or increases existing depression, even depression that is chemically induced which I believe also causes my depression; conversely depression increases OCD and is one of the reasons that after therapy for OCD when the depression may increase you may find that after a time your OCD has increased once again also.

After being discharged from hospital albeit far from cured I was more able for a time to cope with my obsessions and to ignore the compulsions precipitated by them , strictly as a result of desensitisation therapy which basically means with bloody determination you grit your  teeth and ignore your compulsions after confronting them at various degrees of exposure, which so the theory goes eventually increases one's ability to ignore them completely and with time the obsessions decrease... reality is however quite another matter.  The reality is when left to ones own devices it is simply too much alone to contend with as of course OCD presents new facets of the disorder; new obsessions and compulsions or a reinvention of the older ones and desensitisation becomes a less effective method as without support you simply cannot desensitise  yourself, at least that it my personal experience. However I digress, incidentally this is one of the reasons writing is stressful becasue once I start such thoughts pour in and I have to include them even if they veer off on a tangent away from the topic I am attempting to discuss or rather explain as I get absolutely no feed back to any of my entries I can't really call this a discussion. Anyway the point is that during the early time  after being discharged life was little easier, I had more freedom and I was not subjected to the  dictates of carrying out  compulsions. However the odd thing is I became more depressed and as there was not the motivation, albeit a negative one,  to get up and do anything I was more easily overwhelmed by my depression. I have heard other OCD people say this, that when their obsessions become less a focus in their lives that their depression increases.

However that is not the reason that this time my depression is much worse as in fact at this time my OCD is severe and more restrictive than it have ever been, at least in some aspects, although over the years for the reasons I have already explained  OCD does morph, change its focus, introduce new obsessions, revamp older ones and in my experience by so doing becomes more pervasive until there is no aspect of your life that is not effected by OCD. Even my psychical maladies become involved in OCD obsessional  thinking and behaviours. Particualry superstitious fears. This happens becasue even with therapy an obsession never entirely goes away and although it may  be easier to cope with for a while post therapy in time another obsession takes its place. But it has to be said also that although  some obsessions ease their intensity they  nonetheless remain a significant impediment. For instance my fear of contamination by an animal, particualry a mammal becasue of rabies has changed focus, some aspects have
become less intense, while other remain as they have always done, the ones which are of the most detriment. For instance I will buy products from other countries which have this disease although I still will not eat food prepared and packaged in such a country which is rampant with rabies. China for instance where 1, 500 people died last year from rabies. However when it comes to the fear of contracting rabies from an animal particualry dogs and cats the obsession and compulsions and the resulting anxiety are pretty much he same as they have always been despite desensitisation therapy. This has had a huge impact on my life as a person who loves animals.  As the years of gone by new obsession and compulsions have presented as variations on a theme. Also some entirely new obsessions have presented such as checking of and rumination concerning anything which I write which is ruining my ability to maintain and write for my website and is in direct conflict with my compulsion to write. Religious compulsions are still a problem but not as they once where but only because I no longer go to church but still religious fears intrude and interfere with religious actives of any kind and have morphed to fit in with my current considerations or beliefs or lack thereof. So in many ways the focus of my religious OCD has changed rather than gone away or become easier.

There are times notwithstanding my OCD that I think that one day I will give up the struggle with depression. Although I do not fight my OCD I do try to live round it and do as much as I can albeit for the most part hindered by obsessional thinking and compulsive behaviours. I try to write here knowing that this will result in the torment of endless checking and ruminating about what I write and the possible negative effect it might have. Sometimes just the thought of doing so is so anxiety provoking and increases my depression and causes me to avoid coming here and writing for my blog or website because of this torment. Yet another aspect of my persona begins to feel depressed if I do not meet the needs of my obsession with explaining my OCD. Yet there are times I feel like abandoning this endeavour,  yet there would be considerable torment if I did so. So once again I am trapped, dammed if I do dammed if I do not abandon this endeavour due to the continual torment. The same applies to most endeavours, I enjoy nothing but feel compiled to carry on with some pursuit or another notwithstanding the impediment and onslaught of OCD.

What I hope has been my final checking of this entry has taken over forty five minutes and this is at least the 6th time this entry has been checked. I know its not perfect, long rambling sentences , repetition but I must leave it there as it is quite frankly an utter misery and there is no way it is ever going to be perfect as my inability to notice errors will never ever allow me to produce a perfect piece of writing and OCD will never allow me to feel comfortable with anything I write. I am extremely depressed feel like crying and ahve another bloody headache

February 8th

I have had to wear glasses for distance and reading now for a number of years yet I have never worn the distance glasses consistently which really I am supposed to do. No it is not vanity as in some ways they are an enhancement and moreover I feel less exposed behind these glasses in a way not easily defined. The problem with wearing glasses is simply due to feeling irritated. I can’t stand them on my face, not so difficult when reading but having to wear them all the time drives me crazy. It is as though I want to rip them off my face, the irritation factor is so high sometimes. After a while it gets worse rather then improves. The lenses are refractory, I had hoped they would help me to cope with bright light in the sunshine which it appears is getting more difficult for me to cope with. They also help to alleviate my problems with eye contact; as these glasses become quite dark I feel that my inability to make normal eye contact is perhaps less noticeable. But these glasses change colour whenever you are outside and no matter what the weather they become very dark and dark glasses on a dull dreary day in bleak mid winter adds to the doom and gloom of these shorter mostly dull days anyway. However now I need a change of prescription I can now no longer afford this type of lens, which is in any case a waste as I simply cannot ware glasses all the time despite my optician's warning of eyestrain.

I try to wear them I really do and have struggled to do so but after a couple of hours I can’t stand them on my face. It is rather like the irritation of stiff and to my perception itchy clothing. This heightened sensitively is now so bad there are only three blouses that I can wear that don't feel like sandpaper and drive me crazy. What with that and my contamination OCD this makes getting dressed in the morning a nightmare of tearful angst frustration. I feel guilty about these outbursts but just lately I can’t cope and these meltdowns are becoming all to frequent. As a sufferer of OCD it often happens that I will have to change my cloths during the day because of contamination. Yesterday after using the toilet I felt contaminated from an OCD perspective, I considered that my skirt had become contaminated by contact with the toilet and I needed to change. I really felt so depressed because of this as the whole cycle of anxiety and frustration of finding another set of suitable cloths was more than I could bear. Anyway I digress the focus of this entry is my problem with wearing glasses.

Besides the huge irritation factor glasses also highlight and make even more noticeable details I would rather not see, such as dust, black mould in the bathroom that kind of thing which I will obsesses about. The old saying that what the eye does not see the heart does not grieve is most certainly quite true. If I can’t see the dust and mould I don’t obsess quite so much. I do not for instance sit here now ruminating about the damp and mould in the bathroom but as soon as I enter my heart sinks and the compulsions begin. Everyday there is a battle waged against the unremitting onslaught of black mould which, I absolutely loath. It has been a bane in my life now for many years. Some years ago when it was popular amongst young people to paint their rooms black we painted the bathroom black, rather drastic I know and yes indeed I did not see the mould at least not on the black walls. However instead of mould the walls become covered in a while substance, presumably calcium, which is of course less noticeable on light coloured walls.  Mould is of course ubiquitous, everyone has mould in the bathroom and for everyone it is an on going battle to keep it at bay. But for two people who perhaps shower more frequently and for longer periods there is created a fertile breading ground for mould which is most prolific, it can appear seemingly within hours. I have lost count of the number of times we have painted the wood in the bathroom. The bathroom has a dado rail all round but the pervious owners it appeared had no trouble with this and the increase in mould and the warped wood in places is due to the excessive showering of my son and I. In the beginning of winter when this problem is worse I used to spray with vinegar the most effected areas round the bath and shower but it was loosing battle . Painting over it helps for a while but during the winter the bathroom is never dry enough to paint even though the heating is on all day. The mould in any case in places appeared to grow underneath the fresh paint. What  nightmare! The bathroom should be tiles but its an expensive job  it is also not one we could easily do ourselves as it would mean there would be a day or so when I could not shower . Yes I know that sounds pathetic but I do have OCD and a whole day without showering....

One last comment about glasses. There are many people on the autism spectrum who do not wear glasses all the time because they highlight so much detail which can be overwhelming to people who spot detail more than the average person.  incidentally my paintings look much better without my distance glasses as the imperfections become much more noticeable and will cause me to obsesses, get anxious and depressed. Yes perfectionism continues to be a torture concerning my art work and the attention to detail, which is a compulsion and one which I do not have the ability to achieve when paint or drawing, but nonetheless feel a terrible urge to fulfil this need to add so much detail. Well another long complex obsessive drive which I will leave until another time to discuss.
 

February 9th

Its an absolutely gorgeous day today. Over the fields it appears hazy, it's not a fog but a mist more like the kind you often have in summer which heralds a hot and sunny day. It is not hot of course , rather a worry it if was for mid February but it was certainly mild , it felt like spring .  So why did I feel somewhat weary of it all, disappointed and on some level wishing it was a gloomy wet day.

Today is Saturday we try to avoid going out on Saturday because it is a busy day for crowds but the real reason my heart sinks in this rather bizarre way is because both my husband and I lack spontaneity.  It is an ideal day to go for a trip to the Dales or any of the other scenic places which are in easy reach. This winter although not particualry severe has been damp and gloomy and the days we allocate for trips out it has been, with few exceptions, miserable but we go along anyway even when it has rained and it has not been a pleasure of any kind and has at times felt like an endurance test and we have gone simply because we cannot break the habit, change plans, be spontaneous. We are creatures of habit.

I understand that this is the way we both the way are, my son also but still I hoped my husband would suddenly make the suggestion to take advantage of this respite in the gloom of late winter. But no despite attempts to solicit such a response as ever he is oblivious to hints. I get irritated. It seems a crime to stay  home on such a lovely day, yet if he did suddenly make this suggestion my heart would sink. Why!  I guess because I am also a creature of habit of course but in addition I am so depressed that I find any endeavour, particualry one I  have not been expecting, however pleasurable, difficult for me to cope with and it is difficult to explain precisely why.

My mother used to say that no matter what I was doing I felt I should be doing something else and no matter where I was I wanted to be someplace else. I am always restless not knowing sometimes what I want to do unless it is part of my habits, my routines or indeed my compulsions. Yes on some level I really wanted to go out but was this feeling a compulsion, did I feel I had to go out simply because it was sunny... and the fact is I do not know. Trips out as with any endeavour are effected by OCD and as such it is never the enjoyable time it is meant to be, as it would be experienced by someone who did not have to contend with the limitations and fears as a result of this disorder. Also migraines and headaches make going out stressful. If I have a headache I worry it will get worse; if do not have one I get anxious nonetheless should one turn up . Today I had a headache which was mild but it had been significant in the night and I was anxious should I suggest going out and it got worse and ruined the day, which of course happens quite often anyway. Moreover I  was anxious to make such a suggestion because of my OCD generated fear of changing plans because of an obsession that by doing so some disaster may occur. Although at times I do have to make suggestions as we would go nowhere as my husband it seems lacks any spontaneity whatsoever and would not suggest doing anything.  Making  suggestions however is not the same as changing plans, nonetheless it can be anxiety provoking and I wish my husband would take the lead occasionally to take the weight of responsibility from my shoulders, although that last statement seems ludicrous to anyone with a normal perspective as of course it is quite normal to make suggestions to go out or to change plans. For a normal perspective without the interference of OCD it is a simple decision and people change plans every day without the least concern or anxiety particualry in simple decisions which others do not see as momentous or life changing in either a positive or a negative way

February 11th

The unseasonable weather continues  today and we are in the Yorkshire Dales but alas I am as usual unable to enjoy the glorious scenery rendered even more spectacular in the brilliant sunshine because I  have a severe headache. Last night I had an attack of migraine so today I thought that I should be okay to go out even though when we left home my headache had already began to be quite significant, but I hoped it would wear off. But no it was so bad that at one time I considered that I had yet another migraine or that the effect of the pills taken the previous night had worn off. I really had a meltdown as I got to the point I felt as though I could take no more. Crying does little at times other than increase the pain but occasionally if it is a tension headache there may be experienced some relief for a while, but mostly this is not the case so I try to refrain myself from giving vent to my pent up emotions in this manner . But today I just felt so utterly sick and tired of it all, so weary of my existence, weary of the struggle against not only the unabated onslaught of OCD, but migraine, tension headaches, IBS and irritable bladder which nearly drove me just crazy today also, not to mention all the other maladies of which I suffer including a deepening of depression and a simple inability to cope with anything everything.

Travelling is expensive nowadays and to get some were like this only to have to turn round is distressing, frustrating to the extreme. It is not as though it is a rare incidence, the battle with headaches and the struggle to go out is one that is waged most days and the misery of this kind of existence is really beginning to take its toll. After nearly eighteen years of having a headache everyday even if only upon waking for half an hour or so, is debilitating, stressful and depressing, and on many occasions the headache is more severe and at times a tension headace can be nearly as bad as a migraine, and very difficult to tell the difference as is the case today.

When you have mental health problems such as OCD you get little sympathy from anyone, mostly I imagine due to the misconception that such conditions are psychological, consequently people expect you to get over it, that it is all your fault or your parent's fault ,consider you weak, or a looser. But with headaches also there is little sympathy  not even for anyone who suffers them every day. Yes them; not one but two types of debilitating headache. I suffer from two very significant types of headace, migraine in particular the pain is shocking , it is pain that is unbearable, in no way can you learn to live with this pain, it destroys you, renders you utterly incapable and even when the attack is passed your life is marred by fear and the horror of another attack, particularly if you have no medication to lesson or abort an attack, which was the case for many years for myself. And even now there is always that fear that one day my medication may stop working. A tension headache although less painful can at times be almost on a par with migraine as it was today. After stopping for an understandably angst outburst of emotion and anger we decided to go home as any enjoyment is out of the question as this headache is far too severe.

With great reluctance we make our way home my heart is heavy with depression also feelings of guilt that once again a trip out is spoiled. Most times I try to make the best of it but today the pain is just so awful .

On the way home the pain subsides somewhat to a more tolerable level ...aggghhh the perversity of life, can you blame me if at times I feel victimised as though the whole universe has been designed to bring about my misery. Sometimes I feel as though I can do nothing right; whatever decision I make it is the wrong one and inevitably I am left feeling more miserable more depressed, guilty and hopeless. Had we stayed jsut half an hour longer I would have been well enough to cope.

February 15th

Another long gap before publishing a batch of entries. It appears I am the only one on the net whose blog entries are updated in batches, but as I have said before for the time being this is the best I can do, particualry as life and the conditions from which I suffer have become more intense and more difficult to cope with.

No I am not feeling sorry for myself, and even if I where what's so wrong with that; sometimes you are the only one who feels sorry for your plight as few ever really understand what it is like to be in another's shoes, even your nearest and dearest.  In fact the more chronic any condition becomes the less people understand and the more they begin to accept your condtion as normal, common place.  In fact at times I often accept my daily struggles without thinking how awful they are and how dreadful and miserable my life is and how long it has been that way. My son remarked the other day although in a jovial way that I should say when I have not got a headache rather than when I have got one.

In the past it has been hinted, albeit well meaning, that I am self pitying, although of course I, being rather paranoid and not knowing how to interpret comments or read between the lines may have misunderstood. But how many in my place would not be self pitying, self pitying which is most likely anyway a symptom of depression. I am not a Saint. Yes there are many people much worse than I  but this does not bring me comfort and in fact helps to deepen my depression, and such comments pointing out the dire circumstances of others does little other than cause me to feel more depressed as a consequence of the universal and personal suffering of others and indeed other creatures. For a sensitive person the suffering of others affects my own. It is easy to make judgment of others, people are so judgmental. I am myself to some degree although I am aware of this and I try to see the perspective of others and consider that perhaps my first impressions are judgmental rather than comment straight the way. At least I try even if at times I fail but it appears to me that people are judgmental without thinking or considering their first impressions maybe erroneous.

Also this blog is partly a journal, an account of my experiences with OCD and other conditions and in order to present an accurate account of my experiences as is possible it is of course necessary to discuss them and yes this may appear to be self pitying, whining and complaining but I really am past caring anymore what self opinionated people may think, if indeed anyone does think that way and I am not obsessing and being paranoid. Sometimes I do not know what to think as understanding other's intentions is rather a mine field often leading to misunderstandings. Now I am obsessing wondering if to include these comments but just lately I feel as though no one really understands what it is like to have the life I have and I do feel guilty for all my complaining, but it is mostly a compulsion anyway, a strong need for me to give so much detail of how difficult my life is and how depressed I am becoming as a result. I see before me a time when I will never be free from worry and anxiety as in addition to OCD anxieties I now have chronic tendency towards general anxiety and inflated worries and fears over every little day to day occurrence which can be seen in a negative light.

I have to say this or I will obsess all day. The above comments are not aimed at either anyone with whom I have contact with on-line past or present or my family.

Mostly I am venting becasue I have no one to discuss my problems with. I do not feel I should burden my son or husband too much as they both have their own problems and anxiety and depression can become infectious, not literally of course I hasten to add. I do tend to moan on quite a bit despite my awareness that this is not good particualry for my son who is himself depressed and stressed. But it is not easy to live as I do and keep all my thoughts to myself. Writing is a way of venting your thoughts and feelings or laying out your problems to be clearly seen as often sufferers themselves are not always aware of what is going on in their lives and what makes them feel the way they do. There are many people who do not recognise that they are depressed. I hope to talk more about depression soon, if of course I am able to do so as I feel that I am skinning into a mire of despair.

No I am not being melodramatic... Ooppps must stop there otherwise there will be another long, possibly paranoid, obsessive rant about people thinking I am melodramatic

February 22nd

Depression and headaches

When my headaches first become chronic I recall my doctor suggesting that depression was the cause. I have never really accepted this as a possible causation of my chronic daily headache CDH after all everyone who suffers with depression does not go on to suffer with CDH. Moreover of course CDH for any length of time, in my case 17years, will inevitably make ones existing depression much worse particularly so as the years roll by and nothing much seems to improve. The same doctor also told me that I could suffer this way for the rest of my life; a daunting prospect which sadly seems to be true nonetheless.

Recently I came across some interesting information concerning depression and headaches whilst surfing the net in an attempt to try and understand what is happening with my vision.  The last ophthalmic specialist said he could find nothing wrong but referred me to a colleague to see if there was anything that could be done to improve matter. I was trying to ascertain if there is a connection with depression and visual disturbances, as it seems depression and anxiety have been considered as the cause of a number of debilitating conditions from which I suffer. I was trying to gain for myself some pace of mind becasue I am worrying about my eyes, what hypochondriac wouldn’t, but gave myself quite fright. As all hypochondriacs know,  this invariably happens when trying to find solutions in medical dictionaries or the internet but nonetheless we go blithely on hoping that this time we can find comfort despite past experiences to the contrary. Anyway this time despite giving self a nasty attack of anxiety I came across quite a bit of information connecting depression with headaches and that headaches could be the forerunner of major depression. Following are a selection of links on this subject. It seems that mental health problems in particular depression and anxiety have far reaching effects beyond the obvious, however still there is the question why does this occur only in certain cases?

Is there a connection between my headaches and depression:

Is It Just Headache Or Knock Of Depression? - Depression Blog

Headaches and Depression: HeadacheExpert.

I would like to hear from anyone who is also suffering from CDH and or migraine who is also suffering from depression or any of the conditions features on this website.

From my own experiences it appears that the majority of people with depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions do not go on to suffer with headaches . So why is it some of us do or is there really no connection between headaches, or indeed other physical complaints which if not clearly identified as a recognised condition are considered to be the result of anxiety, a kind waste bin diagnosis rather like IBS.  Irritable bowl syndrome is a gastrointestinal condition mostly effecting the bowels which has no pathology, there are no tests to determine if you suffer from this condition. Diagnosis is made by ruling out other conditions therefore  IBS is considered yet another condition resulting from stress, anxiety and depression but again not everyone with the aforementioned conditions suffer with IBS.

February 25th

New Website

I have decided that I need to throw caution to the wind and rename my website. The awkward name is I believe an hindrance to my listing on search engines. As I have explained before it was very difficult to find a suitable name to cover the topic of my website which concerns all anxiety disorders and a relation to these and creativity. Mostly I wished to include the creativity segment to add some positivity, although the truth of the matter is that many people with anxiety disorders who are creative very often find that the condition itself impedes this creativity. Nevertheless many of us struggle through and are often creative notwithstanding our enormous difficulties and I wanted this to be an important aspect of my website even though according to my statistics most visitors concentrate on the information concerning their respective conditions.

Over the last four years my website has also turned its focus on ASDs Autism spectrum disorders because of my son's diagnosis of Asperger syndrome AS and also because I consider the possibilty I may have, in addition to my OCD, AS or at least significant traits of autism, in fact I believe it is quite common with suffers of OCD to have either traits of autism to varying degrees or as a co-morbid coexisting condtion.  So the theme of my website has become even more complex and trying to find a more suitable name to reflect this is ever more elusive. At the time of writing I have not yet found one that encompasses this complex theme of my website.

However that long winded name simply has to go. Practical reasons are also a consideration as few can remember it and even I get in an awful muddle typing it in to the search field to access my website and whenever I have to log in to the server to upload updates it can be an annoying frustration to say the least. As a suffer of ADD trying to accurately type in that  convoluting lengthy name without error can be a challenge. It is also bizarre and really unsuitable but was at the time the only thing I could come up with in a short space of time not wishing to delay publishing my website.

No it is not advisable to change the domain name of your website as of course the search engines will not be able to list it and it will loose it's ranking, although of course the ranking with the exception of my blog is negligible. So basically for all intents and purposes I will be starting all over again as though it is a new website and it will be number of weeks before the search engines list it. However before changing I hope to have found a  suitable name and an url (internet address) so that you can make a note of it in order to access my website easily.  I will also have to renew my requests to websites which have linked to me and that can be rather an endurance test as it was difficult to get some websites to consider my first request. But I think the inconvenience will be worth it and hopefully I will get more visitors.  I will also be putting my blog on a proper personal bloging platform mostly likely Word Press . I feel this may encourage people to comment as I have had so few comments sent, at least few that the commentator wishes to appear
on-line.

All this will not happen until October when I need to renew my domain subscription. I will give you all plenty of notification.

The name I am considering right now is OCD Plus... to mean OCD plus other anxiety disorders, and other mental health problems plus ASDs, and also the connection with creativity. The website will be more or less the same type of content although there will be a new format. Other names I have considered are OCD Creativity but this seems to give the impression the site is limited to OCD. Creative Anxiety but that does not reflect the ASD aspect. I might use the present blogs name OCD and More as I will be using a new name for my new blog. Anyway I will let you know. If anyone has any ideas for a name that reflects the rather complex subject of this website do let me know.

February 28th

Urgent: Please help secure a ban on the unnecessary trade in seal products 

Save the Seals - Stop the Seal Hunt and Save the Baby Seals with IFAW.org

Stop the Seal Hunt - 300,000 Actions for 300,000 Seals

Yes it does seems as though every year I am asking for you to take part in this on-going campaign to put an end once and for all to this cruel practice. It is indeed sad that it takes so long to get something stopped which is so obviously inhumane. Unless the pressure continues to ban this hunt it will continue and more action needs to be taken. Lets hope this year sees the end to this particular atrocity. 

February 28th

We have someone coming to our home tomorrow to check the problem we have with rising damp. I am sitting here now so anxious over what is to most people simply an average day to day occurrence, quite common place nothing to get in a sate about.  We had a damp course installed two years ago this month. Last Monday in two places the wall was still very damp, in fact wet would seem a more apt description. We contacted the firm who did the work and an arrangement has been made for an expert to come and ascertain if the damp is due to a fault with the product. I am so anxious about this and last night checked again the wet places to find they are now bone dry! Can you believe it, the perversity of life!!!!! Typical but this is what happens when the weather changes, in late February the damp dries up and this is one of the reasons we unsuspectedly bought this property as not even the surveyor picked up on the damp problem. 

To make matters worse the expert is travelling by plane as they are based in the south east although we were not aware of this at the time we engaged them to do the work as the company was listed in the local phone book and we were at that time still unfamiliar with the local numbers. Anyway long and rambling story there which  I must refrain from sharing with you as it is not necessary to this entry about my anxiety. Suffice it to say they engaged a local surveyor who now cannot do the job so someone is travelling up from London. Talk about a huge carbon foot print. Many would say the problem is theirs but it really freaks me out someone coming all this  way, 400 miles to check out damp. What if there is no fault with the damp course. When he rang to make the arrangement we were pretty shocked particualry as it has since dried out and we rang back concerned about someone coming all this way. Nevertheless he is coming, he appreciated our concern but told us that he could nonetheless ascertain if there is a problem or not and was prepared to come. But still I am not happy with this at all feeling really guilty but if we cancel and the problem returns... which it will as soon as it gets cold, wet and damp again in the early autumn.

But I am sooooo anxious. My heart is in my throat, my stomach  is churning and  I can barely concentrate. Even if someone was coming from a shorter distance I am nevertheless so anxious to have anyone come to my home, although the distance this person will travel adds greatly to this anxiety.  In fact nowadays I am anxious about anythingn everything!  Visitors, social interaction, appointments, my health, obsessing about my eyes the list goes on and on one thing after another, fears of the future, anxieties about the past, fears of decisions, making wrong decisions. I have  no peace of mind, as soon as I open my eyes in the morning one anxiety fear or worry after another plays over and over in my mind,  I can find no peace. A couple of days ago I had convinced my self that the eye anomaly was due to a mini stroke. Searching the net I scared myself to death.  I am anxious all the time , what with OCD and Gad there is now no time when I am free from fear and worry.

I am struggling now trying to write as that strange visual anomaly appears and the writing appears to shudder and move and this of course precipitates more fear and hyphochondrical worries, more anxiety, this is one of the reasons I have not written as much for my blog in recent weeks because of this problem with my eyes.

February 29th

Well the inspector arrived to check out the damp course, a most pleasant person. Amazingly he arrived at about 10.30 pm ,it had taken him an hour. I think these days many people accept short distance air travel the way I accept a short trip by car as being normal and common place. He was very pleasant but was not able  to do anything as the damp had dried up as we has said on the phone. He could take tests but though it might be better to leave this until the autumn reassuring us that someone would come and undertake these tests. Rather disappointing as we were told that a test could be carried out and the results could be ascertained even if the damp had dried out. I got the impression though they the thought that if it was rising damp it would not have dried out. Now according to my logic, which granted is not always on the mark when it comes to illogical  fear and anxiety, if the ground dried and there is no damp to rise than you cannot have rising damp.   I mean you would not get rising damp in the desert would you, maybe and extreme example but serves to explain my logic nonetheless. Also from what I have read on the net rising damp is effected by weather conditions and the level of the water table. In the previous few days strong winds may have dried it out, just our luck.   I also got the impression that an old stone house is likely to be effected by some form of damp and we were advised to keep the heating on twenty four seven. Which of course we cannot afford to do nor would I wish to do so, sleeping in a hot heated room would make my headaches worse.

So again nothing has been resolved with this problem and we now have to wait with bated breath for the outcome in October.  If You are thinking of buying a stone house and you live in a damp climate, think again. These perversities of life effect everyone. I know few people who have a perfect home, good health, a trouble free life , but for people with anxiety disorders and other similar conditions such add greatly to our misery and we are less able to cope with these problems and they become huge obstacles in our lives which generate more anxiety, stress and depression adding further to our difficulties. I think that anxiety generates anxiety, as does depression, a  kind of cumulative effect and the problems of life which most  take in their  stride or at least are not overwhelmed by for us become insurmountable. I cannot describe to you just how overwhelmed I feel by my life right now. I am increasingly less able to cope with tasks on the computer such as this website and blog. I had to break off right now and take medication for my migraine attack, one which was quite frightening as it took longer than usual for my medication to have an effect and I was scared that it was no longer going to be effective. I still have some sort of headache as my migraine medication does not alleviate the pain of a tension headache.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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Contact

I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.