Links to other recommended anxiety disorder blogs:

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. 
Margaret Mead

I am really becoming much more of a hoarder and clutterer. Yesterday after moving some book cases around I know the problem is about to take a giant leap forward as I find myself unable to throw out anything, such as an unopened envelope that was simply junk mail sent to my late brother-in-law which was amongst this things. What I did bring home of my sister and brother in-law’s things I will probably now be unable to dispose of, and I continue to regret giving away so many other things, and had my home been bigger I would have probably kept it all. I know it is ludicrous but the pain of parting with anything is just so awful. My bother-in-law had in fact kept all of my sister’s things with the exception of her cloths and her sewing machine. So sorting out his apartment was rather like they had both died at the same time. I have all my sister’s patchwork, her teddies, ornaments and kick knacks, all her course work and their photographs taken over so many years, a lifetime of memories. I have my brother-in-laws computer, the software from his old Mac that will never be used, books I will never read and all sorts of odds and ends, reminders of people which I am so afraid of parting with in case the memories fade and I will feel as though they did not exist. No I am not coping well with this recent bereavement.

Whether the increase in my inability to throw anything away has arisen as a result of these sad events is difficult to know but much more often now I have noticed an increase in my inability to throw much of anything away except for waste food and packaging.

February 2nd

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. 
Henry Brooks Adams.
 

My life is really in such a turmoil I am actually wondering how long I will be able to cope with this blog or even this website as awful thoughts assail me and doubts arise concerning what I write, overwhelming doubts that are increasing in their intensity; fearful imaging's of horrendous life shattering consequences which may conceivably arise from what I write. The torment is appalling and my ability to cope with any new adversity is making what was once a therapeutic endeavour that gave some purpose and meaning to my life into an ordeal of unimaginable fear. Now in the morning there is hesitation to get up and begin my writings here. However to abandon this now would bring about a sense of failure and would enhance my depression, yet the torment is dreadful and I feel as though I am losing the strength to fight against it.

I have had to give up so many things throughout my life because OCD has destroyed them and I am so tired of this happening. I have been unable to work, to have a social life, a normal life. Even small minor things I can cope with no more. It has been twenty years since I have been to the hair dresser unable to cope with what others do without thought. I cannot go for walks in the beautiful country side there, if I do I am anxious fearful of a possible encounter with a dog, and fearing becoming contaminated if jumps all over me, licks me, even brushes past me. As we ride through the dales I to long stop and follow the foot paths as they wind their way into the distance following trails to places that will otherwise remain elusive and inaccessible. I cannot tend the garden, cook a meal without help, sometimes not at all. I have lost my ability to enjoy reading because of superstitious fears of a certain number, and of course writing is getting so difficult, at first writing here was fulfilling, now it is a nightmare. I have lost my ability to even  move without having to consider OCD; yes even moving from one room to another I meet with OCD problems a long the way, for instance the door handle is contaminated. I either have to manipulate it open with my elbow, use a tissue or wash my hands afterwards. I cannot sort my laundry out properly, I cannot clean my house normally; cleaning my house and adhering to OCD rituals is exhausting, the ritualistic behaviours are so complex. Often things are left and I avoid rather than clean. There are many things in my home that I cannot even touch with out having to wash my hands or change my cloths if I come into contact with them. These are things that I cannot decontaminate. I cannot go out and buy cloths without OCD rearing its ugly head, books, food, anything, everything is effected by OCD. I could go on and on and on... There are many examples on my website of how OCD has destroyed my life and continues to destroy my life. I do not want to abandon this endeavour and perhaps I need a break but often if one does this in the vain hope that things will change you find you never return to what ever it is you sought respite from as nothing will change unless you change it, and just now I feel I have the wherewithal to change very little. It is a difficult time for me I have barely had time to morn the loss of my brother-in- law before being presented with problems with my house, problems which will increase my anxiety and which I cannot imagine being able to cope with but which I cannot avoid.

February 3rd

They say that the eyes are the windows of the soul and the camera does not lie. Yesterday I was looking through the photographs taken by my brother-in- law of my sister, it was unsettling to see the sadness and fear in her eyes. This is one of the reasons that I do not care to have my photograph taken as no matter how we try to erect a facade of normality the camera picks up on our misery and anxiety, it shows in the eyes most of all and we cannot hide this. The camera does not miss these expressions which seemingly are indelibly imprinted upon the eyes of those who suffer so much fear and unhappiness. My sister's life like mine was filled with fear, right from childhood she was anxious and afraid, shy, timid , hyphochondriacal. In young adult hood agoraphobia and panic disorder left their fearful impressions adding a mix of incapacitating suffering.

Anorexia nervosa in her late thirties early forties added a further fearful layer of suffering. Anorexia nervosa is not about loosing weight and looking good. It might start off that way of course and a person who was as overweight as my sister was prior to her becoming anorectic may have at first considered it this way. Rather anorexia nervosa is about fear, the fear of getting fat, of losing the advantage of the new weight loss, the need to gain more advantage against the possibility of the weight returning. Anorexia nervosa is all about fear and obsession. It is about hours spent preoccupied with food, preparing food, counting calories, going out of a cold winters night late because you don’t have your low calorie chocolate drink, buying food that is more expensive simply because there are a couple of calories in one rather than the other. It is about resisting and fighting the overwhelming craving for food, resisting the urge to eat a sweet because later you know you will feel as though your body is literally and immediately increasing in weight as a result. This is no exaggeration. During the time when I was on the verge of anorexia I experienced this bizarre delusion.

February 4th

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. 
Mark Twain

Anyway on to something different I need to distract myself so I intend to try and improve my colour pencil drawing skills. I prefer painting but it can be difficult to paint at times, I need something to do in the evenings instead of getting depressed and falling asleep in front of the TV. Depression is a significant problem, it can be come accentuated by falling asleep in front of the TV and it is also accentuated by being unoccupied. I do not like to leave my husband sitting in front of the TV all night alone while I am upstairs painting so working with water colour pencils is ideal. I can do it anywhere,  it will help to keep me awake and it is a distraction.

OCD will creep its way into our mind no matter what we do, as I paint or draw fearful worrying thoughts intrude pushing their way in, OCD has a foothold in all facets of my life. Nonetheless the more occupied you are the less such thoughts can take hold. Here is the link to an excellent website for the art of coloured pencil drawing, it includes lessons, on-line demonstrations for free which you can download. So why not give it a try.

The Color Pencil Challenge -- Art lessons from the experts

February 5th

The question is not, "Can they reason?" nor, "Can they talk?" but rather, "Can they suffer?" 
Jeremy Bentham
 

Well it does not seen that long ago since I was drawing you're attention to an issue that greatly disturbs me concerning the barbaric cruelty that occurs during the latter part of March . This morning I received an e-mail from the humane Society reminding me about Canada’s massive seal hunt which is about to commence in late March. Below is a segment of this e-mail/

For more information and to sign a pledge to Boycott Canadian Seafood until Canada ends its commercial seal hunt for good please click the link below:

 HSUS Protect Seals

Please also visit Care2s webpage: Race to Save Baby Seals 

Please click the link below:

Care2's Race To Save Baby Seals

Your click to donate will cost you nothing sponsors pay for your donation for the following campaign:

“More than 319,000 harp seals will be clubbed or shot to death this year in Canada. 96% of them will be less than 3 months old, and some may even be skinned alive. Your clicks support airtime for IFAW's TV campaign to build public pressure against this cruel and inhumane hunt.

I am a very sensitive person this terrible massacre fills me with profound horror each year. I cannot imagine the kind of mentality that motivates any person to go and kill these creatures What gives anyone the right to take the life of another being. This act is barbarous and  cruel, please take a few minutes to visit both of the above websites and support any campaigns that will bring and end to such cruelty.

All the arguments to prove man's superiority cannot shatter this hard fact: in suffering the animals are our equals.

Peter Singer

February 6th

I am obsessing again as to whether or not I have Asperger syndrome. I of course have continued to consider this possibility and often I can take it or leave it , that is I can take or leave not knowing and accept that at the very least I most certainly have traits of aspergers syndrome or I am somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Than there are the times when I simply need to know.  It is important to know because having this disorder or state of being effects my OCD - some do not consider that Aspergers syndrome is a disorder but rather a different type of person, a person who sees the world differently and interacts with the world and his or her environment in a different way than the majority, referred to in autistic circles as neurotypicals. But it is important for me to know as this of course could effect my OCD, which indeed it most certainly does as I seem now so aware after meeting so many OCDers that there is most certainly something else going on which effects my OCD, and this something else may be the reason that my OCD seems intractable. I am almost certain that I have attention deficit disorder ADD, although this is a self diagnosis, and this effects my OCD and my ability to function and increases my anxiety adding to the confusion of thinking that can arise in any event simply because one is suffering with an anxiety disorder.

OCD most certainly shapes itself upon the type of person you are, it is also effected by any aspect of your life including illness, for instance many of my obsessions and compulsions, intrusive thoughts and ruminations centre upon my headaches and migraine. So yes it is indeed important to know what is going on and why you behave and view the world as you do. But at this stage I do not know for sure as this is an on going journey to find out who I am and what exactly it is that makes life extremely difficult for me on many fronts. What is it that makes me feel different, set apart, alien, a stranger in a strange land to borrow the title from the Robert Heinlein SF novel. This is such an appropriate description that I often use this phrase to describe how I feel. Most certainly of course OCD will have this effect to a good extent; OCD is very alienating and when it is as severe and as incapacitating as it is for me now it most certainly sets you apart. But there is something else, something that people are immediately aware of and there appears often a barrier between myself and others, a barrier which I could not fathom and which I have put down to social phobia but which more accurately fits the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers or some other kind of mild autism, particularly when other symptoms are taken into consideration, such as for instance sensory integration problems such as my sensitivity to noise to name just one. Autism is a very complex condition and the severity of symptoms contrast remarkably and vary considerably from one extreme to the other. For instance concerning communication: many severely autistic people will never utter a word and seem completely in a world of their own while at the other end of the spectrum conversation is indeed possible, but with certain difficulties such as a lack of social skills and an inability to make small talk although some will nonetheless talk incessantly if the conversation is centred upon a subject which is of interest to him or her. For more accurate information about these conditions please visit links at the end of this entry.

I hesitate to make a big thing of this and distract from the purpose of this blog, which is to highlight my life as a sufferer of OCD. However it is important to know is it not about anything which may throw light on the nature of one's particular manifestation of OCD, which in turn may help others fathom the complexes of their own lives and their own unique experience with OCD and indeed any of the other anxiety and obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders and related illness included on this website. Moreover I think, and this of course is only my opinion, that many sufferers of OCD have traits of autism. One can most certainly have a dual diagnosis of autism or Aspergers Syndrome or indeed any other condition. Furthermore the presence of aspergers syndrome may explain some of the nature of my OCD, it may explain why my OCD is so pervasive, so complex and difficult to compartmentalise. Many people seem to obtain a duel diagnosis, I unfortunately have not been able to this and this may be due to my age, perhaps it is considered that it does not matter now. However much depends on ones individual therapist what he or she believes is important, many mental health workers in my experience seem of the opinion that it matters not as long as your individual problems are addressed. However personally I like to know, I like to know where I fit in or otherwise, without this I feel as though I am on the periphery neither one thing nor the other. There will always be doubts without an official diagnosis, particularly concerning aspergers as the diagnostic criteria can seem rather ambiguous, particularly concerning communication difficulties. Also with someone my age I have learned to compensate and this can make it even more difficult  to arrive at an accurate diagnosis than would be the case for a child or a much younger person where the symptoms are obvious and have not been compensated for. It is particualry difficult to conclusively self diagnose as many people have done and are confident in so doing. However with OCD I lack this confidence because I do not know if my assumptions are valid and are not merely a result of OCD thinking as one can obsess about anything. Doubt of course is the demon of OCD, it is what fuels OCD in all its manifestations and one can after so many years of suffering with this insidious and devious disorder no longer know what thinking arises from one's OCD and what thinking is born of rational considerations and observations. Doubt doubt there is always doubt it is the bane of my life!

Recently I came across a very useful and informative website( see link below), particularly for someone such as myself who is considering the possibility that they may be an aspie - an affectionate term for a person with aspergers syndrome.  And I for the most part after reading so much on the subject and visiting this website and others, with now only one or two grey areas that validate the doubts, can say yes that this is me, I am like that, you could be describing me. One of these areas of doubt was my oversensitivity to suffering which seemed incongruous with Aspergers syndrome. I considered that this very hyper sensitivity would exclude me from a diagnosis but this  is apparently not the case at least according to the following account, please click link and scroll down to the section called :On AS and Affection Dana's View - Personal thoughts on several issues in life  The other area of doubt where I feel a diagnosis of Aspergers may not be appropriate is my  Memory. I most certainly do not have the good memory equated with being and aspie

On several news groups and message boards I have read postings of other OCDers who also either think they have aspergers or have defiantly been diagnosed with aspergers in addition to their OCD. Yes doubt remains, I could simply be obsessesing I have done so about other conditions, one of which would appear most bizarre depending of course upon your perspective but which I will not discuss today as such would be a considerable distraction. However in this case my assumptions are more realistic and deserve serious consideration and I need to get a diagnosis.

Dana's View from the Inside

The National Autistic Society - Asperger syndrome

News groups with messages from people concerning a dual diagnosis of OCD and aspergers syndrome

OCD Message Board - Asperger's Syndrome & high-functioning autism

OCD Message Board - OCD and hypersensitivity

February 7th

I think that is an utterly delightful quotation. It may seem at first to have nothing to do with OCD, anxiety or depression when these conditions are severe as our thoughts tend to destroy even the tranquillity which may be found in natural places. Nonetheless on closer inspection we may find that the peace of being among nature is something that can free even those of us enslaved by our severe maladies if we can but stop and try to relax and be aware of how our mind is agitating and distressing us continually, even when it‘s focus is not upon our respective fears and anxieties. It is often this agitation that prevents our experiencing some peace of mind in such tranquil settings even when we are not immediately confronted by our fears.

Often when I am out in nature despite my fears of contamination by dogs and all the usual OCD anxieties I still feel deep down underneath all the fear and the tension a certain calm in nature, particularly in hilly or mountainous county populated by few people and far from the clamour of the hustle and bustle of daily life. But we have to work at finding this peace and focusing upon such opportunities for some tranquil time otherwise it will pass us by because of the constant agitation born of chronic anxiety. One has to be aware of the anxieties that boil deep within, an habitual anxiety that has you always on the alert, keeps your body agitated, your attention focused. I notice this when I am out in such places and I cannot stop and simply listen to the roar of a waterfall, the wind in the trees, the bleating of the sheep. Even if I did not have this constant fear of being confronted with a dog I am still habitually anxious, I get irritated if my husband stops to look at something, fiddles about with the camera - I just aim and click. Chronic stress makes one impatient, always agitated, restless constantly on the move not able in this case to stop for a moment or two to focus properly to take a photograph, and when I say focus I do not only mean my camera but my mind.

I rarely go for a walk of any real distance not only because of my OCD fears but also because of my aches and pains and fatigue, but sometimes I make the supreme effort to overcome these adversities. Yesterday was one of those days when although it is a pleasure to drive through the Yorkshire dales and stop here and there to admire the view I really just wanted to be like everyone else, or rather like the real me that lies under the incapacitating garbage of OCD, and just go for a walk.

In my November blog I mentioned a place called Crackpots, a very pretty and out-of the way spot. When we first came across this place, which is hidden off the road, quite by accident we have since tried on several occasions to follow the footpath that leads along the bank of the stream that gives rise to the waterfall. But on these occasions I have been simply too fatigued, depressed or anxious, but today I thought I would make the effort to go even if only just a short distance. The sound of the water as it cascaded down the rocks was soothing, at least it should have been and if I could focus on this for a minute I knew that there was peace to be found here in this tranquil isolated setting. Yet I could not turn off the anxieties.  I cannot even keep still to focus may attention on this sound and absorb the peace to be found here. I want to move on, go for a walk, get it over with. I just can’t keep still, I complain to my husband to get a move on as he fiddles about getting his boots on, he is slow laid back and sees no need to rush. I however feel so much agitation, the constant churning born of not only anxiety but impatience.

My life is a difficult one for a number of reasons and in addition to OCD, headaches, fatigue and depression and a variety of other strange incompressible maladies, the nature of which I keep to myself for fear of being thought more crazy than I am already, I have IBS. So here I am anxious but nonetheless realising that my escalating anxiety and indeed my irritation and impatience might bring on an IBS attack and I want to get in a quick walk before that happens. I have deliberately not had lunch either although it is lunch time and I am hungry, yet I fear eating will also bring on an IBS attack, yet not eating I fear might bring on a migraine. I just want to get that dam walk over and done with and now my husband is taking a week of Sundays to take another photograph, he has no sense of urgency because in reality there is none. We have all day .But I cannot keep still even without the aforementioned considerations, I simply can’t stand doing nothing my mind left to itself wandering hither and dither amongst the derris of so many anxious thoughts. Is it any wonder I cannot relax and drink in the tranquillity of nature of this lovely peaceful place that so few people will never visit to enjoy.

When we finally get going the track veers away from the stream into open country ascending a steep hill. I am alert thinking I hear the bark of a dog, my mind conjures images of aggressive mad dogs tearing out of the undergrowth, of getting bitten, of going to the hospital, of getting rabies or at least fearing getting rabies. All of this goes through my mind's eye, and I virtually miss the cute little rabbit scuttling away seeing it only vaguely from the corner of my eye. That is what it is like for me with OCD. The chances of a dog jumping out the undergrowth are extremely small, this place is isolated there are a couple of farms nearby nonetheless the chances are slim but of course not impossible and that is what fires the fears, it is that doubt, albeit a shadow, an infinitely small chance the possibility nevertheless remains. It is that not knowing, that not being sure that feeds the fears. There is at the time of writing no rabies here in the UK but that does not mitigate the fear, the changes that I could get bitten by a rabid dog are still credible, still in the realms of possibility.

This expression of mine “in the realms of possibility” when referring to the fears that precipitate my OCD used to exasperate some of the nursing staff when I spent time in hospital for my OCD in the early eighties. But most if not all of the things that worry me or anyone else for that matter exist within the realms of possibility, although most are highly unlikely.

There are few things that we fear that we can dismiss because they re impossible, in fact I cannot think of any! We cannot dismiss even the fantastic, the unlikely, the bizarre, the mythical, mystical, supernatural, the unusual for if we think about it there is no proof that anything we can fear or imagine is impossible. Unlikely, yes, but impossible? Indeed no. I have read of people who fear demons or aliens and all manner of unlikely phenomena or occurrences; some years ago I read in a book the title of which I cannot now recall of a seriously depressed person who feared an invasion from out of space and each time this person went out he would scan the skies for evidence to validate his fears. Although extremely unlikely we cannot say that such fears are not within the realms of possibility and that they are not a possible reality. We do not know if there are aliens or not, we do not even know if demons do not exist or fairies or elves or dragons... unlikely of course - well with the exception of aliens which I believe may be entirely possible and even demons. Yes I have even considered the likelihood of demons! During my severe religious OCD, and even now, I did not dismiss the possibility of demons or at least some kind of incorporeal entity which whispers and indeed shouts these dreadful OCD thoughts which come unbidden to ones mind and which seeming focus on areas that cause us the most torment. Sometimes it is difficult to believe that these thoughts arise from you own mind, in fact that seems more bizarre than to believe in a demon or other phenomenon despite ones attemps at rationale.  There are people who believe they can see fairies and angels, I have even known people who have claimed to have seen a demon as in the medieval concept of a demon. I personally would not go that far nevertheless we cannot dismiss such claims as absolute nonsense even though our more rational self thinks otherwise. 

We have no evidence either way, perhaps those who make such claims can perceive other realms or dimensions of existence of which most of us are not aware. It is rather like the argument about the existence of God; we cannot prove there is a God, yet we cannot prove there isn't. In fact we cannot disprove any of the myriad things that people believe, at least while writing here I cannot think of any way to do so. We may believe that certain things are nonsense personally, but we cannot provide tangible evidence to disprove any of the things that people claim to have seen or experienced. Reality is a very tenuous concept and is not the same for everyone. I believe if it were not impossible you would be unable to imagine it or worry about it.

Yes this concern about rabies is rather more mundane but to many my fears are fanciful and without foundation and often dismissed as ludicrous. There may not be rabies in the country but who knows, someone may have smuggled in a dog without the proper quarantine, while there is doubt the fear remains. Rationalising such anxieties rarely dispels my fear. Moreover it is the fear of the fear that is so crippling. The thought came to me if I did get bitten the fear would be so overwhelming that I had contracted rabies that I would never cope, and it is the fear of this fear that often causes so much anxiety. If I was bitten I would suffer a period of appalling fear waiting for the incubation period to pass and no amount of reassuring me that the dog did not have rabies would mitigate this anxiety and it is this fear of the fear that clutches at your heart and fills your whole being with utter dread.

Often also on such excursions into the country side I cannot help but be aware of the misery and suffering that is all around me the suffering that lies underneath the more pleasing and uplifting side of nature. And often such thoughts play upon my mind and my mind is never at peace, for it is difficult to find peace amongst so much misery. I know I come over as very negative but sadly this is my how I am and the purpose of this blog is for me to try and give you insight into OCD - at least how it effects me. I imagine that other sufferers are different - well I know they are, this is one of the reasons OCD can be such a lonely illness to endure as it is most difficult to really find someone who is exactly the same, particularly concerning the more obscure aspects of the disorder. Moreover it is difficult to know which part of some of its more obscure aspects arises from OCD or arises from the presence of other disorders such as aspergers syndrome, or general anxiety disorder ( both of which I believe are related to and can exist co morbid with OCD) or which arises from the person themselves and is part of their personality. Who you are and what you really think can often be obscured by your OCD. During such trips out my mind is often turned to the plight of animals.

The old assumption that animals acted exclusively by instinct, while man had a monopoly of reason, is, we think, maintained by few people nowadays who have any knowledge at all about animals. We can only wonder that so absurd a theory could have been held for so long a time as it was, when on all sides the evidence if animals' power of reasoning is crushing.
Ernest Bell

Although it is true that wild things do not tax themselves with the forethought of grief the lives of animals often appear at times to be wretched and their lives seem filled with suffering. However come to think of it how do we know this? Sitting here now writing I ask myself how do we know that animals do not tax themselves with the forethought of grief. It pleases us to think that they do not and often times we may envy the peace and lack of concern that we deem animals to have. But do we know this for a fact. How do we know that each year ewes do not live with sadness in the knowledge that at the end of the summer the lambs they gave birth to in the spring will not be taken away and slaughtered, yes they may not actually know their lambs are slaughtered but they must know that their lambs are taken away and they are never returned. They must know this after the first season. Animals even sheep often equated with stupidly are perhaps not as stupid as we think, they can work things out otherwise they would sit in the sun instead of seeking shade under a tree on a hot day. I know animals remember. The sheep which we used to feed apples to each week came to remember us and even recognised the car as we pulled up and came racing towards us to be fed before we even stepped out of the car.

All creatures suffer, their suffering may or may not be compounded by all our desires, our denials and our attempts to mitigate such suffering and our searches for an elusive happiness that always seems just around the corner but never quite comes, but again who knows. Animals suffer but they appear to do so more peacefully, they do not resist or resent or become bitter at last this is what we tend to think is it not, yet again how can we know this for certain, it is this idea of a fixed reality that we fail often to get past as we accept the reality that we have been taught. Unless of course you have OCD and question such things, which is often the tendency of OCDers, although of course it is obvious that you do not necessarily have to be a sufferer of OCD or any other mental illnesses to contemplate certain fixed ideas of reality. Who knows what happens in the mind of an animal we should not equate everything with instinct. Animals have feelings and emotions, these are obvious, particularly in mammals. Our neighbour bought a dog from the RSPCA. The dog had lost both of his owners and he was depressed. Yes seriously this dog was depressed, he missed his owners, he may have loved his owners everyone who owns a dog knows of the attachment between a dog and his owner. No I am not going to refer to an animal as it as is correct to do. An animal in my opinion is not an it, it is not an object, an animal is a he or a she, it is a sentient being not a thing for our use and abuse at our disposal or our distraction. Animals have lives of their own we should not interfere with them to their detriment.

The human race considers itself higher than animals, generally we like to consider that animals do not suffer; that they do not form attachments, they do not mind the cold, they do not mind our using them to pull carts, to race round a track, to eat, to hunt, and so on. We may consider we have a superior intellect, that we can reason and animals cannot, although of course we do not know this. In many ways animals surpass us on certain levels, they do not kill or harm other animals of their own species, at least not to the scale of man in the pursuit of power, greed or happiness. Yes happiness most of us harm others simply to attain happiness. No I do not mean in a sadistic sense but in the sense that often our actions which are undertaken to secure our happiness often cause harm to others either deliberately or unintentionally. The plight of animals causes me much sadness and as I have said before on this blog that often on an inclement, miserable and snowy winter's day my thoughts are with animals trapped in fields often with no shelter at the mercy of the weather.

Such thoughts are with me always and of course mar ones enjoyment of the countryside, awareness is a tenacious thing you cannot make yourself unaware, it is therefore unlikely that a walk in the countryside will not generate for me such thoughts and perceptions. Perhaps normal people with similar views are more able to dismiss such thoughts and enjoy their time out but I am not a normal person so I do not know. Yes I love to see sheep grazing and soon the little lambs will be born, delightful creatures, a joy to see yet at the back of my mind my awareness of their eventual fate haunts me and I am filled with much sadness. I recall when we first moved to the Northeast how we so enjoyed seeing these lovely creatures in every field, on every hill in the wild places here and how all of a sudden in July when I returned home after my sister had died how there were now so few of these lambs left, this filled we with great sadness and compounded my own personal loss.

I will never be free from my OCD and often my mind is alerted to the approach of a dog or other contamination fear whenever I am out in the country and often I long to be normal and sit by the river as my husband suggested today. We had found a really pleasant spot right near a waterfall which will not I imagine be frequented by too many people, yet there is always the chance, just that small chance at as we sit there with our backs to the path near the bank of the stream that some dog will come bounding over. My attention is therefore forever on the path, my ears pricked rather like the dogs I fear always listening never relaxing. I often wonder why we evolved with no eyes in the back of our head, it does make us vulnerable to attack does it not. The things you think of when you are anxious of so many things, but I just hate not having all round vision as the object of your fears can sneak up on you when you least expect it and than you developed the obsession or the impulse to turn round to check fearful of every noise. Which of course is added misery when you have a chronic stiff neck which is the case for me.

If you are concerned about the welfare of animals and tend to consider that there is more to an animal than instinct you may like reading the essay below.

I found this website quite by accident it contains essays by Mark Twain.
What is Man? And Other Essays Of Mark Twain by Mark Twain: What is Man? VI Ins

February 8th

Why oh why do cloths manufacturers insist on putting labels in the neck line of garments right at the back. It is so uncomfortable and drives me just crazy! I am sitting here now with a new blouse and the label is stiff, it is driving nuts with irritation, it will have to be removed. It would not be quite so bad if the label was softer When I used to work for Oxfam as a voluntary worker in their charity shops in my local town I recall that many donated garments had the labels removed, so this is quite a wide spread problem. At one time Marks and Spencer's started to put the label on the inside seem lower near the hem of a blouse or shirt and the bodice of a dress. I do not know if this is still done but it is much more suitable.

I have a great deal of difficulty now with clothing and sensitivity problems, believe me for one reason or another you would not enjoy a shopping trip with me I would drive you just crazy. It is along time since I bought cloths with fashion being the deciding criterion now its comfort, animal and environmental issues. Yes the last two may be a normal considerations considering my strong views upon such matters but it does add to further complicate this cloths problem . Shopping is very difficult for me, it is getting a nightmare to find a garment that is comfortable and fits in with my ethical considerations not to mention the financial ones or my OCD for that matter . It can make shopping very difficult. At this time cloths are the bane of my life!!!!! Irritation because of stiff unyielding uncomfortable cloths has really become a big issue with me during the last year or so. I cannot even wear polyester unless it is silky smooth, no I can’t wear silk because silk involves boiling alive the cocoons of the silk worm . I do not like to cause harm to any creature, this is not OCD but of course like everything else in my life it does rather get caught up in OCD issues.

I prefer to wear cotton, there is of course an environmental issue with cotton but I have to wear something, but it must not be stiff and those short three quarter sleeves which seem to be so fashionable now just irritate me to distraction. They are neither long nor short but sit stubbornly unyielding right in the crux of your elbow. Stiff collars, tight clothing or cloths that cling to your body and get wrapped round your legs are irritating to say the least. I always buy a size or two too big but still feel uncomfortable and can now understand why some people are members of nudist clubs. I can’t wear wool, wool of course comes from slaughtered sheep so that is a big no no and fair enough, but it is so difficult nowadays to find an alternative, most cloth coats are made of wool. I cannot wear knitted garments of any kind next to my skin even if they ‘re not wool as the ribbing is an irritation.

Than there is the problem with seams, I have to check that seams are not too thick, that they sit flat and do not cause irritation. Lace also I can’t tolerate unless it is well worn and soft. I have a difficult time getting night cloths and underwear, tight elastic in pants drives me crazy, bras feel like a straight jacket. Last night I turned my night dress inside out because the material and seams felt uncomfortable.

Than there is to some extent the vanity issue. My son says “why not wear a T shirt
they’ re so comfortable“. Not when you are overweight they show all your lumps and bumps. I am not fashion conscious or bother much about cloths but I think T shirts look awful on overweight people such as I and being already very self conscious anyway, and now more so since I have put on weight, T shirts are not an option. And shoes well shoes...... If I mention shopping for shoes there is a loud groan from both my son and husband. I have always had problem with shoes, finding a comfortable pair, but now most are made with leather, again for obvious reasons a big no no for a vegetarian.

Cosmetics? Well I have virtually given up on that one. It is nearly impossible to find cosmetics that are completely animal free or are not tested on animals. If the label does not say clearly and unambiguously :"This product has not been tested on animals", I do not by it. Labels that read: "We are against animals testing and fund research into an alternative", I do not buy. I will not buy any product with this kind of wording on the label as what this likely means is that: although we are against animal testing until a better solution is found we continue to test our products on animals. Nether do I buy products which do not say one way or the other although in both of these example it does not necessary mean that these products are tested on animals which was indeed the case when I made an enquiry into a product earlier this year. So manufacturers if you genuinely do not test your products on animals please state this clearly to save us obsessive compulsives and indeed anyone else who is concerned about the welfare of animals from having to make lengthy enquires which in some cases are not always responded too. This over analysis and extensive enquiry making may be more an OCD issue but this is difficult to say. I would imagine a normal person with similar concerns for animals would do their best to avoid cosmetics tested on animals but they might  simply go by whatever is stated on the label without making enquiries concerning the rather misleading statement referred to above. Also there are concerns about certain ingredients in many cosmetics which may be carcinogenic although this is more of an obsession with my son than myself but this makes shopping difficult if we are all together.

Shopping has indeed become a huge ordeal recently due to my sons anxieties about eating already mentioned on this blog. Shopping for groceries is an ordeal, reading labels to ascertain if the product is dairy free, wheat free, gluten free, does not contain substances which may be carcinogenic, and there is a whole list of those, goes not contain that red food colouring, the name of which I cannot recall but is made from crushed beetles, is environmental friendly,  fair trade if possible, does not contain chocolate, citrus fruit which for me may be  migraine triggers... Well the list is endless and all this has to be done keeping in mind a very strict budget which now has to be adhered to because of our recent unfortunate circumstances arising from impending repairs to our home. What a nightmare!!!All of these arise from either our obsessions, our health problems or ethical considerations but remember that all can become mixed up with OCD and it can be difficult to sort out what is normal and what is not. For instance I imagine that a normal person who is like me a lactose free vegetarian would just read the label, usually prominently displayed: suitable for vegetarians and would not read the contents list obsessing about all sorts of other issues

No indeed you would not wish to go shopping with us we would drive you to distraction.

February 9th

There I was this morning trying to put my laundry into the cooker instead of the washing machine, well I must be going crazy. However it is probably because I am always so preoccupied either by some intrusive and worrying OCD type thought or some ruminative type distraction concerning some worry or another, or simply preoccupation with what ever it is I have been doing here on the computer. It is difficult for me to transcend one task and to begin another, my mind is reluctant to relinquish its preoccupation, particularly if it is only to replaced by something less positive or boring which describes having to prepare clothing to wash in the washing machine. This is always a task that I just loath I have to psyche myself up to do it and it has to be done before I shower and put on clean cloths, if I did not I would feel contaminated by the dirty clothing or if my cloths came into contact with these dirty unlaundered cloths.

There are other problems to face though: I need to check the clothing by shaking it to be sure there are no tiny creatures: insects, woodlice ,spiders and the like. I am more conscious of this today and examine the cloths more carefully. Yesterday there was an enormous spider amongst the clothing. Arachnophobia and loud screaming notwithstanding I hastily moved the jumper on which sat the spider to the stairs and screamed some more for my husband to put the spider outside. My son really has quite severe arachnophobia, so I can't just let it crawl off as I tend to do as my fear of spiders is not to the extent of that of my son, and as long as I do not see it I am okay. By the time I got it and the jumper to the stairs it had gone, it had scuttled away goodness knows where. A few more piercing screams thinking it had crawled on me I finally got my husband to get up and search for it and check it had not got into my handbag which was also on the stairs. I think it is the speed at which they travel that freaks me out, devious creatures they sometimes stop waiting seemingly to know you are out to catch them. Which is all that will happen here as I do not believe of course in harming any creature. Unless of course all the screaming makes it deaf, goodness know what the neighbours think. Sometimes I think I have more phobias than Adrian Monk USA Network  Monk the multi-phobic obsessive-compulsive TV detective.

It is this incident that adds to my anxiety today however as I am now more diligent than ever when sorting through the cloths. Sometimes I check two or three times and I am anxious whenever I turn on the start button . I would feel very guilty if a spider or an insect is drowned. Washing is an ordeal that is most unwelcome first thing in the morning at the worst possible time of the day when my fears are more acute.

February10th

I painted another sheep painting the other day and I did feel much more positive for having done so. This can only be good right? Wrong at least for me and my rather irrational obsessive compulsive perspective. Yes indeed I did most certainly feel my mood lighten, I considered that despite all my adversity I have completed something and I have not allowed my entire day to be consumed by my OCD and other anxieties. Also painting and my other pass times, including sitting here now typing this entry, do distract my mind from some of my OCD, particularly the intrusive thoughts and worrying ruminations. Furthermore I do not regret my participation in such pursuits.

However there is a problem as there is a more negative side to these seemingly positive endeavours and that is that they in themselves can create anxiety and depression. Anxiety arises if I feel pressured to be involved in these pastimes. If I really do not have the time because of other more pressing matters I often become anxious and depressed feeling resentful that I cannot get on with my artwork or my activities on the computer. My thoughts than turn to morbid considerations that my life is nearly over and I feel as though I am racing against death to accomplish something positive from the debris of what I feel was a wasted life. Such negative conditions than turn what should be a positive and satisfying experience into yet another form of anxiety and than it can become part of the whole OCD issue as these pastimes become obsessions and compulsions themselves. Is it normal to become anxious or depressed, or get irritated, even angry  if I cannot pursue these activities? Is it  normal to feel compelled to be involved in such activities when it is not feasibly possible to do so? No I would imagine not.

Furthermore shouldn’t one feel some satisfaction after such involvement, after completing a project on the computer or a painting or drawing? And yes maybe at first this is the case but after a while as time goes by and the day wears on, particularly if nothing further is accomplished, that feeling of satisfaction can quickly be replaced by one of dissatisfaction and torment and yes anxious concerns that one has not really achieved enough and could have done better . For instance last night after completing the above painting of which I felt quite proud - usually I just hate what I have painted and consider myself as having no talent and so on and on though the whole spectrum of negativities - I felt I could sit down after dinner and feel satisfied that I had not wasted my day and that I would not be tormented by this anxiety to achieve something I can call satisfaction. This torment I experience every evening and it is on the increase. But no dissatisfaction soon presented itself as the familiar feelings of doubt descended.

Often in the evenings after dinner I become lethargic and depressed, it is as though every movement is a massive undertaking requiring an enormous expenditure of energy. I guess I kind of give up and resign myself to feeling depressed. At this time of the day it takes considerable effort to do anything other than sit and watch TV and even that is an effort as often I simply fall asleep, it is as though my mind seeks sanctuary in the oblivion of sleep. When I first experienced what was to be full blown OCD I sought peace and escape in sleep and now this seems to occur spontaneously as if my mind needs to shut out the world and I cannot resist this urge to curl up and go to sleep, even though sleep now brings with it either a headache or depression or both upon awaking. At this time of the day I can’t reset this powerful urge to give into my melancholy. It is as though my body aches just to sleep. After a thoroughly wasted evening and waking up with depression and a headache I than berate myself for not engaging my mind on more positive pursuits and again I am tormented by my OCD about wasted time, which in this instance amounts to some three or four hours. Even if I do not fall asleep I still feel some despondency as I consider that yet again I have wasted what is left of my precious life vicariously living the lives of others through my TV. Unless I engage myself in something more positive whilst watching TV I get depressed and feel as though my time has been wasted in futile pursuits. Often morbid reveries follow on such as the passing of time and my diminishing opportunities to accomplish anything. I am actually afraid of dying and never having lived. I have been afraid of this all my life, since the age of fifteen this fear has haunted me and has been aggravated by my OCD which has taken away my precious time and my life.

It is an inner battle which I fight within my own mind, I know not what I really wish to do any more, after all there is nothing wrong with wanting to relax in front of the TV, to watch a film, a soap opera or a documentary now is there. Although I do not feel that documentaries are such a waste of time . This seems a growing trend for me nowadays as I consider more and more that fiction be it books or TV or films to be a waste of time. This is probably due to what I believe are traits of aspergers syndrome another mix to the confusion of life which I have mentioned before and will mention again.

Also here seems as though here is block, a mental barrier, a lack of motivation perhaps, whatever, it is a huge and insurmountable hurdle to overcome. I know It would be better to sit and draw and thinking this I than hate myself for once again giving into my depression. Moreover indecision aids the lack of motivation.

Often I do not know what to draw, nothing seems right , a photograph is not clear enough. I could draw a still life but can’t get organised to do so, not knowing what subjects to select for the arrangement. I just can’t get it together to arrange a still life I can’t decide what to include. Imaginary drawing is not easy either it never works out at least more times than not and sometimes... well I simply have no imagination, I find it difficult enough to draw from life or a photograph let alone draw or paint from my imagination

February 11th

Today there was supposed to be snow showers over the Pennines Hills but instead it turned out to be a lovely day, bitterly cold but sunny. We had decided to go out again this week, a mixture of neurotic consideration and just wanting to enjoy the fantastic countryside relatively close to our home. Yes there is the fear that if I do not do so I feel I maybe missing out and there are various other odd OCD considerations and compulsions involved, all of which are very complex and which I will share with you another time, but just for now it would make a change to concentrate on something more positive albeit for me with the sad connotations mentioned earlier.

Nevertheless I hope you enjoy this picture of some of the first lambs of spring which seemed to have arrived rather earlier than is usual.

February 12th

The lowest ebb is the turn in the tide.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I woke today with quite a deep depression yet nothing is really different, the same round of anxieties and the same worries are tormenting me, yet I noticed that my depression is deeper. It seems to come in waves, it waxes and wanes but is never gone, always that heaviness round my heart, but sometimes the depression is deeper, more pervasive and I have great difficulty struggling against giving in to this increase in despondency and the decrease in motivation which accompanies it. Depression in some degree is a constant companion. I do not wish always to be so negative and I am simply stating a fact but there are times when my depression is more profound, rather like a sickness. Yet if nothing has changed either for good or for bad, why than the increase in depression? Why does depression and also anxiety vary from day to day even hour to hour sometimes for no apparent reason?

For me personally I believe I have two kinds of depression: that which is borne from my thoughts and circumstances and that which I believe may be the result of a chemical imbalance which arises within my brain. The two often occupy each other, the depression resulting from my negative OCD delusional type thinking is always present because those sort of thoughts are there in my mind only interspersed only very rarely by the odd positive thought which sadly is ephemeral and fleeting. However sometimes for no apparent reason my depression becomes more severe, more pervasive and feels different, more like a sickness which suddenly envelopes you and you are unable to fight it off until it runs its course.

Moreover a strange and more pervasive anxiety accompanies this increase in depression. An anxiety that rises from the pit of my stomach, tightens round my heart and constricts my throat and has a number of other strange physical manifestations that I am at loss to really describe. Again as with depression anxiety is a constant companion, I can’t recall a time in years that it has not been gnawing away either in the background or right up front as is the case now today. Rather like the depression there appears to be too kinds of anxiety, one precipitated by intrusive negative thoughts, the other more pervasive appears to arise as a result of, I would imagine, a chemical imbalance, as often rather like the depression this type of anxiety comes even though circumstances have not really changed. Of course an expert may have a different explanation, for instance: perhaps more subtitle worries have arisen which gradually over period of time have increased both the anxiety and the depression or perhaps the increase and change in the feelings of both these states is simply due to an accumulation of on going anxieties which suddenly come to a head, the last straw breaking the camels back.

Whatever depression is a major problem for me, it blights my life like a dark shadow which follows me everywhere casting gloom on what may other wise be more positive aspects of my existence. I have written a lot about depression elsewhere on my website but feel that there is much more that may be said upon the subject for depression and indeed anxiety are complicated conditions which exist either as a consequence of our anxiety disorders or as a separate co morbid condition. I would imagine that of all the co morbid conditions likely to present with an anxiety disorder depression would be the most common. I have heard people say that they do not experience depression with their OCD, fair enough if that is really true well that is just great. But personally I cannot imagine how one could be anything other than depressed when one’s life is overrun and consumed by obsessive compulsive behaviours or other anxieties. How can anyone be anything other than depressed if he or she cannot leave their home for instance because of agoraphobia. I know that when my sister’s agoraphobia was severe and she was confined to the house she because very depressed and began to compulsively eat and put on weight which eventually led to her excessive dieting and anorexia nervosa.

I would imagine that most of you who visit my website and who suffer from an anxiety disorder will have depression co morbid with your primary condition or even have a dual diagnosis. However of course depression most certainly exists as a separate illness . Most people at sometime during their lives have experienced depression, no one is a stranger to this terrible malady and most people would therefore have some empathy for those of us who chronically suffer from this pervasive plight.

There are people who are obviously depressed and may have been depressed for so long they actually do not realise that the sadness inside is actually depression. My husband may be one of these people, he looks depressed, his manner is depressed and he shows other signs of depression yet if I ask him if he is depressed he will say no. Many say that sadness and depression are not the same thing however I believe that if a person is chronically sad than there is little difference and these categories are merely a play on words. No one knows how unhappy or depressed another person feels and one should not belittle or make light of another person feelings by saying that their type of sadness is not really depression or is not as severe as another's. To the person imprisoned by depression, who is bought low, who is unmotivated and unhappy their depression is significant to them. You can live with depression for so long that you get used to it to a certain degree, at least the milder kind. You can forget what it is like to be happy to be excited and motivated or fired up. You may continue to function on some basic level and for all intents and purposes it may appear that the person can cope but unbeknown to the casual observer every effort is an Herculean task and underneath this facade of coping a person may be profoundly depressed.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.
Harry S Truman

I recall an experience in hospital when I was admitted for treatment for my OCD how my depression was considered as perhaps less significant and compared with that of others did not warrant the attention that I gave it, for instance someone in a catatonic state, someone who is unable to motivate his or her self to get out of bed or even use the toilet. I recall how I resented this comparison and felt it served little purpose and only made me feel guilty and that perhaps I was making a fuss. However to me than still a young women my life was just awful, my days filled with pointless compulsions, my mind tormented by dreadful fears and obsessions and I felt depressed and anxious craving a normal existence. It was no easy matter looking after a young child, who was than only about five or six years old. No I may not have been catatonic and I could get out of bed either as a result of huge determination or I was driven to do so by the insistence of dreadful obsessions and compulsions but that did not mean that I did not suffer very significantly from my depression.

Depression right now is really a problem and my motivation suffers as a consequence as today I struggled out of bed and sitting here now I feel rather lost and really don’t know which of the many project upon which I am working to actually begin. I have e-mail to answer and such is difficult as it is often not easy to avoid allowing my misery and negativity to show through and I feel rather drained and uncommunicative as a result, yet lonely and lost. During all our recent difficulties I asked my husband how he feels, he relied that he feels lost, just lost. And yes this is how I feel right now lost. Feeling lost is not often a word used to describe depression but when you have been depressed for years or you re like my husband and do not recognise that the unhappiness you re feeling is depression yes indeed you do feel lost. When you really do not know what more you can do to alleviate the pervasive feelings of depression or for that matter anxiety yes indeed you do feel lost.

February 14th

Well I am struggling once again to regularly practice my Tai Chi. It took over two years to learn it and that was only the first set called the twenty four step Tai Chi. I than spent time trying to learn the forty-eight step with little success and things became difficult about attending, both my husband and I for a number of reason discontinued our membership of the Tai Chi club with some regret on my part. For some months afterwards until a couple of days ago I gradually stopped my practice as one does if left to ones own devices, as without the Tai Chi group the motivation was not there. This along with an increase in my negative and depressing circumstances I eventually gave up the practice of Tai Chi altogether. Moreover I became concerned after getting a headache on a few occasions that Tai Chi rather like meditation could give me a headache or make an existing one worse. Yet this did not happen every morning or when we practised at the club nonetheless this worried me and contributed to my discontinuing my practice. But I did miss this this early morning quiet time even though on occasions I had to struggle with despondency and lack of motivation.

Tai Chi is said to be of benefit for sufferers of anxiety and depression and also for those of us who are getting older and need to retain suppleness in our joints and so on. It is difficult to learn and one can get most discouraged particularly if one is a slow learner and when trying to learn the forty-eight step I became disheartened feeling left behind and not able to catch up. Here in the west everyone is in such a hurry, there was one lady who wanted to learn a new move every week, she seemed impatient to move forward rather than consolidate what she had learnt and wait for others to catch up. Other members of the group become anxious that they simply could not remember the moves. Most of our fellow members where teachers and they had come along wishing to learn the art of Tai Chi to facilitate relaxation and help them to cope with the inevitable stress of their profession. However at times for some Tai Chi had the opposite effect. It takes time to learn Tai Chi you have to perfect the movements and that takes months and months perhaps years. In china a student of Tai Chi would be expected to practice the same movement over and over until it was perfect before moving on to the next. However according to our instructor this would not be appropriate for students in the west who would become bored and impatient.

Here in the west Tai Chi is considered as a spiritual practice, a method to enhance ones health, a meditative practice and a means to bring about relaxation but it is foremostly a martial art referred to as a mild martial art and mainly practiced for self defence and as an adjunct to more intensive martial arts such as karate or Kung fu, although it is a martial art in its own right . At the club Tai Chi was also practiced along with Qi Gung also a gentle movement discipline which brings about relaxation. The graceful movements which have some of them very eloquent names, for instance Fair Lady Weaves Shuttles, are for the purpose of combat although few who attended the club really considered it this way, particularly the ladies. The club paid great attention upon getting it right although one was supposed not to push oneself further than was comfortable to achieve the desired results. Nevertheless before one achieves proficiency in Tai Chi, which in my option is in any case a rather an elusive state, one needs to practice but one should not be disheartened as much can still be gain during this period and setting aside the time to do this practice can provide some benefit by providing a way of respite and having the satisfaction that just for short time you have been involved in something of use, a positive pursuit for yourself.

Tai Chi takes time to master but it is a good method of meditative practice as one for a time can at least focus ones attention on the movements. However impatience and getting anxious and stressed because you cannot remember the movements rather defeats the object. Impatience was certainly a factor amongst many of the students including myself and moreover I of course had an extra problem with which to contend and that of course was OCD. One can obsesses about anything, literally anything and anxiety over getting it just right was a problem, but nonetheless I practiced waiting for this elusive relaxation to arrive. And sadly no it did not at least not in some many words or in an obvious way. But it was helpful to set aside a quarter of an hour or so each morning and go through three complete movements of the twenty four steps. It is bit of time out particularly early in the morning which is the best time to practice Tai Chi. You can make the practice your own if you feel it is more for the purpose of spiritual practice, meditation and relaxation and light a stick of incense and play some peaceful music which will help to make the movements flow. After a few Chi Gung exercises to warm up I take a few minutes to stand and place my attention on my breathing and meditate very briefly simply being aware of the sounds around me, just simply standing and being allowing whatever to pass and flow into and out of your mind without paying heed to it. I know easier said than done and I agree but as it is only for a very brief time my OCD tends not to intrude too much. Although during the actual practice of the Tai Chi of course my minds tend to wander all over the place and after you have been practicing for a while your body will carry on regardless and continue with the movements, and as soon as I realise this I try to bring my attention back to the practice.

It is nice to practice Tai Chi or something similar but of course when you 're severely stressed it may simply be impossible to concentrate as is often the case for myself and among the reasons why I allowed my practice to slip. But one day last week I thought that it seems so sad after learning for over two years just to give in and not make some effort to do my Tai chi. Yes no doubt there will be times when I cannot practice for my anxiety  is too overwhelming and my depression too deep and I have to accept this but do my best when and if I can.

February 15th

I don’t believe it I have dropped my handbag on the floor again, the floor of a public toilet! It really has not been my day and it is only 11 am and it is the seconded time this has happened. It is a contamination anxiety of course. It is difficult enough having to use a public toilet but because of my health problems, namely IBS and irritable bladder I have no choice - well other than to stay at home. I might have very severe OCD but I do try to fight against it and not to allow it to confine me to the house, I cannot go out alone but at least I try to get out. Besides who wants to go out alone, I don’t, at least not out for a day in the countryside.

I just hate public toilets even though this one was clean, at least it appears so but that of course is irrelevant if you have OCD as appearances do not necessarily mean the toilet is hygienic to OCD standards. For such is of course impossible as your mind will still tell you it is unhygienic even if it had been completely sterilised just prior to you having stepped through the door. But it does help to mitigate ones fears somewhat if the toilet at least appears clean , there is soap and no graffiti on the wall. Of course there is no connection between graffiti and hygiene but graffiti on the walls gives one the feeling it is run down and... well you know it is difficult to explain why I hate to see graffiti all over the wall of a public toilet, and why it makes me feel that the toilet is more contaminated than I would feel if the graffiti was absent, particularly the kind of crude mindless drivel one sees written on toilet walls. And no this is not always in run down areas either, for instance in Brompton, a quite well-to-do town on the way to the lake district where walls in every cubicle of the public toilets was once covered in graffiti and I could not bring myself to use it, silly I know. It has recently been painted but how long it will remain free from graffiti is anyone's guess.

The thought of coming into contact with any part of the toilet facility, and not just the obvious places such as the seat, but anywhere, the walls, the door, the floor makes me anxious. I of course cover the seat with paper and I am very careful not to allow any contact with myself or my cloths. But these toilet cubicles are so small and cramped, it takes some manoeuvre not to allow my cloths to come into contact with the walls, the door and of course the toilet itself. My hands can be washed but cloths are more difficult, at least to cope with right there and than. It can really ruin my day to have to go about in contaminated cloths, I have taken a coat off in winter time when it became contaminated recently.

I dropped my handbag trying to carefully manoeuvre myself out of the cubicle. Trying to get round the narrow space left when the door was opened I caught my handbag on the handle and it fell to the floor. I know it is silly but at such times you feel that the whole of life, creation, the universe, all of existence has conspired to make your life miserable. And when you feel as vulnerable to life's adverse circumstances you feel so victimised, it is as though all these little setbacks are by design and you wonder what you did to deserve all this. But of course to a normal person it would be no more than minor irritation, if indeed any irritation at all. A non OCD sufferer might just feel a little uncomfortable, after all many normal people do not like public toilets either, but nevertheless she would just go about her business and not consider the matter further. Some people would barely notice. But not if you have OCD you imagine the floor is filthy, that perhaps someone as urinated on the floor or worse, and indeed perhaps they have and even though the floor has been cleaned, well at least in this instance, you still feel contaminated. My handbag now feels different, it still looks clean, you could not tell I had dropped it on the floor, but it has a different feel about it. It is difficult for me to touch it, it is as though it is giving off an aura rather like an invisible force field which you cannot see but are afraid to penetrate. It is difficult to describe but if you suffer with OCD contamination anxieties you will know just what I mean.

I pick it up careful not to touch the part that has been in contact with the floor and walked from the toilet back to the car holding my bag at arms length, it is a new bag I don’t want to dump it so I wipe it with a hand wipe, you know rather like Adrian Monk the TV detective with OCD does, and again I wipe it with a germicidal hand lotion rather like the ones they have in hospitals. It is all I have and after a further wipe with a second hand wipe I somehow cope after wiping my hands and cleaning them with the lotion. Although I continue to feel uncomfortable and still do now whenever the thought returns.  It was the second time with in the space of an hour or so, the first time was out in the street. I berate myself for my clumsiness wishing I had been more careful, less absent minded, wishing I could focus more instead of dreaming off somewhere.

We where on our way through Northumbria to visit Hadrian's wall and enjoy the remote and unspoilt countryside there. I love being in such places but of course OCD does rather spoil my pleasure. Later on another OCD panic occurs as I drop my walking stick in the mud, it was a gloomy miserable day, mud everywhere, we had walked only a little way just to feel as though we had done something other than sit in the car. Again I had to wipe the stick in the same way as my handbag and perhaps it seems no big deal but there is a constant battle with OCD all the time, these are just two incidents in a day filled with OCD behaviours.  If it is not outright obsessions and compulsions, it is rumination, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, the constant feeling of being on alert for dogs or other possible OCD related problems and hypersensitivity to suffering.

As you know from reading my journal both my husband and I have an affinity for and care about the welfare of all animals but particularly sheep which for the most part are gentle timid creatures who do no harm. We do so enjoy seeing sheep grazing but I am filled with profound sadness when I see obvious suffering. A sheep which appeared quite unperturbed had lost half her wool and it appeared none was growing to take its place and I felt such sadness thinking how much she suffered, it was cold and raining. I thought really that she should be in barn or protected from the weather in some way or another. It was upsetting to see her so unprotected from the weather and I could not and still cannot keep this image of this poor sheep from my mind and I felt such sadness at thinking about the plight of this unfortunate creature. Yes the pain of seeing another creature suffer is unbearable and every now and again this imagine is there along with such feelings of sadness, I feel like crying and I wished that the winter was over and the air would be warmer, but even in the summer in such high remote places many creatures suffer terribly due to the inclement weather. It appears to me that  life is so filled with suffering and the beauty and serenity of nature is marred by such suffering and I cannot rid my mind of this, and I even feel guilty if I try, as though I fear that by doing so I would become callous like so many people who see animals and indeed other people as merely a means to an end for their use and exploitation. Sometimes I feel my hypersensitivity brings much pain and adds to my own suffering, but there is little that I can do about it. We can change how we behave but it is not easy if indeed possible to change how we feel.

Here are a couple of photographs taken of this area.

Hadrian's wall , is a world heritage site, it was constructed 2000 years ago by the Roman emperor Hadrian, it stretched right across northern England from what is now south shields to Ravenglass. It was constructed to keep out the barbarians (the tribes of Scotland). For more information please visit the following websites.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

Hadrian's Wall	Hadrian's Wall

I have tried everything to try to get the graphic above to appear. It appears here now
off-line yet when it is accessed by the net the graphic is missing. I have changed the graphic several times, changed the tables, made a new page and still this graphic will not appear although it is embedded and has been loaded to the server. Such things drive me crazy. I abhor imperfection, it irritates particularly when there is no reason why this happens except of course for the usual software glitches, it has happened before but usually after much perseverance, occasional swearing and the odd temper tantrum I have managed to succeed but no not this time or so it would seem. I may try again or perhaps I should make a stand and just let it go. However if I was running an on-line business, if this was a professional website I would need this to be right , perfect and I would be justified not to wish to accept seconded best. But I am not and computers are unpredictable, one minute there is a glitch and than the next day things revert to normality. However this has been this way for a while now and I think  I am simply going to have to let it go.   Apologies but click on the empty space and you will be taken to the larger version.

Hadrian's Wall Country Website

Hadrian's Wall - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

February 17th.

Further on the subject of animal welfare and concerning my recent entry about the slaughter of baby seals I have included here a link to a petition aimed at stopping this barbaric practice.

The following is a description of the petition's aim from Petition Site's web page, please click the link below if you wish to sigh the petition.

SAVE THE BABY HARP SEALS! Petition