December 1st

When the disease is known it is half cured.
Erasmus Colloquies

An OCD sufferer sent in this link to an interesting article in Science Daily. Compelling evidence that points to OCD being a neurological condition rather than purely psychological.

"ScienceDaily (Nov. 27, 2007) — Cambridge researchers have discovered that individuals with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and their close family members have distinctive patterns in their brain structure. This is the first time that scientists have associated an anatomical trait with familial risk for the disorder."

Read the full article:  Brain Pattern Associated With Genetic Risk Of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Only when the real cause of OCD is known will there be better and more effective treatments. I believe that it is only a matter of time before it will become categorically proven that OCD is a genetic neurological disorder. I believe it can still nonetheless be treated psychologically, after all CBT is now being considered as useful in the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. However with the advance of knowledge concerning this condition other more effective therapies may emerge.

If you know of an interesting article, particularly but not solely,  about the latest research into OCD and any other of the conditions featured on this website please do send in a link so that I can share such information with other visitors to this website and blog.

December 4th

Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender.
The Bhagavad Gita

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Wayne Dyer

Well finally my son and I have a fixed date for our exhibition. If you have not read my blog for some time or are new to my blog the exhibition to which I refer is for local artists. It is an opportunity for individual artists and art groups can exhibit their work for three weeks. There was a two-year waiting list. This is nothing prestigious and one should not think of some grand exhibition in a gallery. However it is a chance for Kevin and myself to exhibit our paintings and for me to hope that by doing so, my son will become more interested and enthusiastic about his artwork

However things are not working out that way at all. Now the pressure is on so to speak and we have a target date anxiety has set in. At least it has for me. Sadly my son is still less than enthusiastic and has made little attempt to use more of his time to paint. Yes of course there are problems, he like me is depressed and has quite severe anxiety and like me also he has a considerable torment from anxieties concerning perfection.

Since receiving this notification I look at my work now and see it in a whole new way. It appears in an entirely different perspective as though my brain has done an about turn and what was once considered reasonably okay now suddenly becomes riddled with imperfections, it appears garish, amateurish; mistakes - at least perceived by myself as mistakes- suddenly scream out as though by magic they have unexpectedly appeared where previously they were not. I was never of course entirely satisfied, what perfectionist is. I have little natural talent, it has always been a struggle to draw or to paint. There have been times when I have asked myself why I struggle so to do this, perhaps it is simply to boost my self esteem or to feel as though I do something with my life other than give in to the torment of OCD. I have taught myself some techniques from books and went to classes but the tuition in such classes is even less than basic with the teacher setting out the subject to paint, usually still life, than the student painting or drawing it with the help of some basic instruction, while the tutor checks your progress offering very minimal guidance. No help in teaching how to mix colours or how to layer from dark to lights, with is supposed to be the method for acrylics but which I find does not work as light colours seldom seem opaque enough to colour dark tones such as blacks, greys or browns or indeed any dark hue. But I struggle to paint notwithstanding the difficulties finding out mostly by trail and error.

Over the last couple of years I have produced several paintings about twenty or so, however looking at them again months later I now wonder why I had thought that these paintings where okay to exhibit. One in particular of the countryside in Teesdale is so garish, bright; vivid unnatural colours and the brush work in one section is going in the wrong direction along with the gradated shading and I think how on earth did I consider that this was good enough. As a perfectionist it is amazing that as time passes what one once accepted as the best one could do and as reasonably satisfactory now seems completely the opposite. Why is this? Is reality an illusion as some people think and that from time to time this illusion changes but always in a negative way , and what one once considered good if not ideal now seems just awful. Remember my comments concerning the theory “Are we living in a computer simulation“? Well at times it is as though someone has reset the programme in my brain and has changed my whole perspective. Or more likely it is something to do with how my brain is wired so to speak that makes it appear to alter its perception. is this an OCD thing or is is this common to everyone?

Throughout my life but most particularly in recent years it often appears that what one once thought or believed at one time seems later in retrospect to be totally absurd, and one wonders why one ever thought or believed this or that or took the action one once took. Such as moving here to the north east once seemed a great idea, there where few misgivings until in the course of our progress towards this goal when there was no turning back the delusion shattered even before we actually came to live here. It is as though my brain, my thought processes did an about turn and the whole of my perspective altered. And now I am left with feelings of utter despair and guilt that we moved away from where we once lived for thirty years and where my husband had lived all his life and where my son had a job and was functioning reasonably well.

On a less significant level perhaps everyone has experienced this shift in viewpoint, although of course you may have suffered the same degree of torment as I have described above and perhaps these changes in perspective are common to all rather than a facet of OCD or other anxiety disorder. Most of us have experienced this change of perspective from time to time and most of you may relate to one of the more common occurrences. For example who has not bought a new outfit and than only a few weeks later, or even on occasion upon arriving home, you than wonder why on earth you bought it.

I don’t know if these shifts in the brains perspective are normal and common to all but to some extent I can well imagine this is so as we have all experienced similar have we not. The difference perhaps for the OCD or GAD suffer is that we analyse these occurrences and exaggerate their significance, as we tend to do with most thoughts, to such a degree they become a huge torment. Although with the moving example I think that perhaps my misgivings are well founded, but why did I not have these doubts in the first place, after all is not OCD the doubting disease as the French once called it. Yet where were the doubts when I needed them, it took nine months to finalise the decision to move, why did these doubts not present before it was too late to turn back . Sometimes it can seems as though my brain is hell bent on my destruction. Rather like a civil war your brain seems divided against itself. It does seem to me that for the most part whatever I do, say or think I am later on filled with the anxiety of regret, and it appears that my life has been far from satisfactory as my brain will tell me I should have done otherwise.

Yes there are some things I do not regret of course, at least for now and hopefully I never will, so its seems that this odd process is selective, rather like OCD is selective. For instance you can worry about a specific area of contamination yet not worry about another area which in fact may be a more realistic threat than the one which OCD has chosen to torment you with.

Right now the torment of regret and doubt has turned its focus on the exhibition. Regret that I did not work harder to produce more paintings and that I allowed other distractions to interfere, that I allowed my attention deficit to impede my progress with its wily cunnings of distraction to which my mind is subject. And doubts that my work is simply not good enough as all the perceived imperfections now seem more pronounced as though indeed reality has changed or someone has reprogrammed my brain. I of course do not seriously consider this, so don't take that literally, it is merely an analogy but it is a fact that ones perspective can easily change according to circumstances as swiftly as though someone has pressed the reset button.

My son is having his own difficulties of a similar nature related to perfectionism. He was scheduled to have his own exhibition but he has simply been unable to produce enough paintings. Mostly due to his lack of motivation as a result of his depression and his anxiety, which at times reaches quite disturbing levels that the other day I wondered if he was in fact approaching a breakdown.

One of the greatest difficulties for both he and I is the demon of perfectionism. This is no trivial matter. During a recent discussion on a forum it was commented that perfectionism has nothing to do with anxiety that it is simply a powerful driving force. In my experience and that of my son’s this is most certainly not the case. Perfectionism results in anxiety, maybe not fear in quite the same way as the obsessive thoughts of OCD, but certainly anxiety and severe anxiety at that. There are times when I am extremely anxious about picking up a paintbrush or writing for that matter because of the fear of imperfection, of making a mistake. Yes indeed I did use the word fear there, so perhaps there is an element of fear at times. The anxiety experienced has nothing to do with the effects that not reaching perfection has on my ego or anxiety concerning what others may think of my work , although concerning the exhibition and my website there is some element of this. No rather the anxiety is centred on knowing that my perceived failure to produce a piece of work in accordance with my standards of perfection, which incidentally change as I have explained above, will result in depression and consequently a reduction still further of motivation as of course like so many things such emotions and states of being have a circular effect. Depression saps motivation resulting in procrastination, the results of such lack of motivation and consequent procrastination brings about depression, as I feel I have wasted my life which is an OCD driven idea, this in turn increases depression which further saps motivation and causes procrastination, it is an on-going downward spiral.

It matters not that such may be perceived as trivial, depression or an increase in depression is triggered by increasingly more and more circumstances both mental or physical in those like myself who have the predisposition to be depressed. It may sound petty but depression like anxiety grows, one becomes more sensitive to everything, any action or circumstance and at times even the most trivial of occurrences or thoughts will increase my depression. I will not say bring on a bout of depression for you see I have chronic low to moderate depression with episodes of deeper depression.

My son having a comparable mindset also experiences similar. Also an autistic person’s  perserverations (this term in connection with autism can mean a number of things but in this context for many people with AS perseveration is used to describe the intense focus on one or a number of narrow interests. These are seemingly obsessive but positive interests which anyone on the autism spectrum has a strong urge to pursue with a narrow unswerving determination. A good definition may be found here: How Might Asperger's Syndrome (AS) Appear to a Parent?) which can save them or distract them from anxiety can at times be an impediment to accomplishing other things. My son’s perserverations can therefore be a hindrance as he seemingly cannot and does not wish to relinquish there hold on him because plain and simply they are a pleasure as apposed to OCD obsessive behaviours which are nothing but an utter misery and one which the sufferer would be only too pleased to be rid of.

Moreover in plain and simply in general terms we are really not well enough for such endeavours but feel nonetheless as though we should give it a try. I do have a selection of paintings that are reasonably passable. My son has six completed or near completion and is struggling with a seventh. Despite the torment of misery such endeavours may bring of a perfectionist nature it is far better to pursue such pastimes despite the torment rather than to abandon them. if we abandon them other torments will only take their place about less positive issues and in the end one finds one is tormented whatever one does in life, so I may as well endure this particular torment, at least we can both say that we have tried. Also if my son and I abandon this endeavour after two years of waiting I rather think that depression will descend like a dark cloud and one which will not be easily dispelled either.

December 4th

Of course the art exhibition has not obscured the usual OCD torments which because of the extra stress and anxiety look well likely to increase along with general anxiety. I have become of late more angst than usual, irritable and anxious. The fear of just sitting here to write as explained above has become at times so intrusive and frequent that it has sapped my motivation and I have procrastinated. At times it is as though I feel I just cannot be bothered, it is all too much effort. Again it is mostly the result of perfectionist concerns in addition to my OCD fear about what I write and the fear of causing harm and all the exhaustive checking which arises whenever I write anything that others will read along with a deep abiding chronic relentless depression. Even the smallest task seem an enormous burden becasue of depression, sometimes I cannot even be bothered to go to the toilet until absolutely necessary, than I get angry that I have to do so. Mind you there are problems here IBS and irritable bladder and I grow weary of having to get up and use the toilet. Also with every endeavour from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night is riddle with OCD behaviours, thoughts and considerations all of which makes one feel that life is a huge struggle and I would like to curl up in a corner and let the world go by, but of course this is no option for an OCD sufferer who would be riddled with tormenting thoughts which will not leave one alone.

Also when I write is is as though a flood gate opens and the thoughts pour into my brain and my poor typing skills and difficulty with spelling cannot keep pace with it, the tension mounts, my headaches increase as does my anxiety.

Recently I find it difficult to sit still feeling as though I have to be doing something useful. The clock is ticking my life is coming  closer to its finish - at least this is the driving force behind my restlessness. Yet seemingly in contradiction there is a lack of motivation as described above as a result of my existing depression. However giving in to apathy results in further depression and anger, anger at myself for giving in. But many times it is difficult when one feels depressed to keep going forward to continue painting, writing or whatever. One feels so torn. It is very difficult to explain but this feeling of being so divided, of never feeling satisfaction no matter what course of action or inaction I take, is an utter misery and for the most part there is a part of me that is driven, yet another part which is apathetic for one reason or another and there is a constant battle between the two.
 

December 5th

If there was any doubt that my son and I are addicted to the computer all such doubt has this week been dispelled. The beginning of the week it appeared that our DVD writer is not working. No matter what we try, installing new drivers uninstalling and reinstalling the software; nothing helps. My son is extremely anxious during all these processes should the entire system become corrupted resulting in a reformat and loss of data, photographs which of course we cannot burn because the rewriter is not working. My son is very stressed as am I, such over the top anxiety, and I am quite serious here our anxiety is extreme relative to the situation. We are so stressed, we put off these tasks for a day or two. This is an example of how sensitised one can get after years of unrelenting anxiety. Also both my son and I are ... well...addicted to the computer, it is one of my main perseverations and also a significant perseveration for Kevin but more because he can pursue his interests on the internet with information and resources not available elsewhere. Also as I have said in the proceeding entry most of my social life exists on the net as it does for many people on the autism spectrum and people with social anxiety. Moreover as already explained above I worry about e-mails and not responding and also despite the inevitable intrusion of OCD into my activities here on the computer it is nevertheless a good distraction.

According to the proprietor at the local computer suppliers and repairs the failure is most likely the result of a fault in the drive and a new one is required. No need to bring it in as this is something that anyone can do, just a screw here and there. A refreshing change I might add as in many similar situations  other suppliers would be only too willing for you to have them install it charging you probably more to do so than the hardware cost. However we are not as confident and procrastinate another day too stressed to even try. Sometimes life seems so overwhelming, the fear of failing to do the least little thing can be so crippling. The following day the job proves to be less easy than was implied, things go horridly wrong and after logging on to windows the screen is green. A dash to the computer shop, my son tearing down the hill carrying the compter as though it where a patient being carried into casualty. There is nothing wrong, assumedly we had not fitted the connections back in place properly but there was a minor problem with the drive not appearing which the proprietors wife fixed at no charge. I actually felt guilty, although we did purchase the drive here I felt uncomfortable, but it was only matter of five or ten minutes to ascertain and fix the problem. 

In the throes of doing all this during the procrastination breaks the computer caught a virus, if caught is the right word. Here I get really angry, huge amounts of time scanning and rescanning the compter are required as we have to go though two sets of instructions for procedures to rid the computer of the virus classified as a serious threat. I cannot understand as I have said before the mentality of those who maliciously spread viruses or indeed commit any wonton act which may cause harm.  The stress this cases was considerable, more anxiety about mistakes in following the procedures and crashing the computer.

December 10th

Christmas has never been an easy time for me. As a child I would be afraid that I might die before Christmas day arrived. You can read about this type of OCD in my early childhood in my memoir and short story My story it seems superfluous to repeat it in any detail here. Suffice it to say throughout my life for one reason or another, although mostly by way of some type of OCD thinking, Christmas has been a difficult time. Due to the distress over the years including the time I lost my baby daughter eighteen years ago we have celebrated Christmas less and less. Also financial reasons prevent me from buying presents although with few friends there are few people to buy for. Now with the exception of my son and husband for the most part I do not buy presents. There are however a couple of exceptions of people who really would not understand my feelings concerning Christmas. 

I have to say now that many years ago shopping for presents was a delight I once enjoyed but this was before my OCD became a significant problem.  This Monday whilst doing our grocery shopping I had to find a small present for someone. But what a nightmare!  Last year I bought biscuits but felt this was not very imaginative or thoughtful. I looked amongst the toiletries, nothing seemed suitable, no ordinary considerations here though. The whispering... no... indeed the shouting of the voice of OCD interrupted the normal considerations one generally makes when selecting a present with thoughts that whatever I choose may cause harm. Bubble baths and bath oil precipitated thoughts of accidents; would she slip in the bath, hit her head, kill herself as a result of a bath made slippery with buddle bath or oil. In my minds eye imagines present this dreadful scenario. This person lives alone an accident could have dire consequences indeed.

Finally I find what at first appears to be suitable but it is made in china! No offence to the Chinese, but after recent events with the recall of toys and the article in an on-line New Zealand newspaper about dangerous amounts of formaldehyde in the production of clothes, I hesitate fearing that the product may be harmful in some way. And so it seems that for everything I choose for one reason or another, mostly to due to OCD, I can't buy it for this person without anxiety about dire consequences amongst of course terrible doubts that for the usual reasons this present will not be appreciated.

But my choice is limited. I feel angry at OCD, my life and the person for whom I am buying the present. This person had commented on presents bought by other people of sweets and chocolates because of a compulsion to eat, so there is little else other than toiletries. My normal and appropriate consideration that products I purchase are not tested on animals and of course the cost add to the mix of indecision and I spend some time immobilised locked within a maelstrom of doubts.

Later on in the book shop looking for books for my son my husband and I buy one he already has but of course not realising this until we arrive home where he has just received the book he had bought by mail order, a biography of the same person as the book we have chosen and later on we find the second book we bought he has also. My son has so many books it is difficult to keep track of them all. It does not sound much of a problem I know but when you are not well it can take an enormous effort to go out, and recently with so many headaches it has taken three or four days to feel well enough to do so. And now the books have to be returned which presents a whole new set of anxieties.

Yes of course everyone gets stressed out over Christmas but certainly OCD adds to the mix.

Incidentally after arriving home with this present of hand cream and a cosmetic bag for the person mentioned above I now regret having not bought the bath set which was nicely presented and if it where not for OCD, the present I would most likely have chosen.

December 11th

Today I returned to the hospital for my follow up appointment concerning the odd visual distortions as explained in previous entries: September October

I can tell you that the hospital appointment was rather a nightmare. After suffering a minor headache all morning it turned into a migraine just before seeing the doctor, but it was not helped by having to undergo a test which involved looking at a tiny light and clicking a button rather like a mouse every time other lights appeared to test, I imagine, peripheral vision. The machine broke down twice and they could only do the test on the one eye. The hospital was hot, I had nothing to drink. Although a fine modern hospital, a tiny community hospital which in itself generally speaking is one of the most pleasant, the windowless waiting room and bright lights seems like some sort of endurance test.

After a chat with the doctor he told me he could find nothing but would I see a colleague at the main hospital in another hospital in an area of which neither I nor my husband are familiar . A truly heart sink moment, I hate this place and have been only once in all the five years we have been here, it is for a driver the city from hell. My husband is none too happy. I might not bother as I rather think there is nothing wrong and the whole thing may be the result of anxiety. The thought of trying to find our way round this city fills me with such anxiety just writing about it now.

The doctors was very pleasant, a refreshing change as consultants can be rather abrupt at times, He could find nothing wrong but said his colleague had a special interest in such problems. What problems? No one knows what causes this . I think personally, although I felt uncomfortable saying so, that the original disturbance that lasted about an hour with the scintillating oblong may be visual migraine, but if this was the case why have I experienced this quite significant increase seemingly as a result of this odd visual distortion when I read particularly on the computer?  This reading problem has similar symptoms of visual dyslexia.

I suppose I need to see the specialist but the thought of this particularly during the coldest darkest part of winter seems more than I can bear. One grows so weary of it all, these odd conditions which remain unidentifiable but nonetheless cause me anxiety. As I said before my previous optician in the south east seemed to take no notice of this as though it was a regular occurrence offering me tinted overlays  which at that time did make it easier for to read but which now seem to have little effect.

Does anyone else have similar problems? My visual distortion now whilst writing this is dreadful, it is an effort to see although it I intensely focus on the word I am writing or reading it is okay. But this slows me down, causes eye strain, and may not be too good for my headaches either. I can see but it is difficult in a way not easy to explain and I do not feel I can do so any more precisely or clearly than I have done in the September and October entries. If anyone one else has had similar experiences I would very much appreciate you contacting me.
 

December 12th

The following link will take you to the online journal of Gail a sufferer of Bipolar and OCD which I am to include in my blog roll.

An interesting insight into Gail's life.

Mental Health Journals, Mental Health Blogs, Diaries. Gail's journal

December 14th

I am having a very difficult time right now most likely the result of so much anxiety. It has been two weeks since I uploaded any blog entries. It has been a struggle this time more so than usual with checking over and over each entry, often with the result that a lot of what I have written has been deleted simply due to OCD anxieties . Right now trying to upload the last batch of entries I have a significant headace which may well turn out to be migraine. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed in one way or another with an increase in headaches this last couple of weeks, the strain of Christmas and other social pressures and of course the art exhibition.

Here is bitterly cold. This morning the sharpest frost I  have seen in many years, almost as though there was a sprinkling of snow. The sky is drearyy, overcast enough to blight the spirit of even the most happy of persons and I am most certainly not one of those.

There is this month a new article in the sufferers story's section of my website An Aspires View a personal experience with Aspergers syndrome.

Please take the time to read this account. I think so much more insight can be gained by personal accounts rather than from explanations from experts who, although for the most part have the best intentions, cannot in any real way understand what it is like to experience life with the condtions included on this website. There are so many misunderstandings about autism and indeed about the other condtions featured here and only by writing our experiences can we dispel such misconceptions.

December 15th

Where is all the lovely global warming! Just kidding of course, I know that global warming is a serious issue and may not present in an obvious way: warm. This morning it is bitterly cold, sitting here now I am frozen, even my hands and feet are turning numb. It is 6am and when I got up at five I experienced a bitter penetrating cold I have not felt for years. Usually in the mornings for reasons I do not understand I generally do not feel the cold but today it is unbearable. I cannot put on the heating at so early an hour it is simply just too expensive to do so. Yesterday we went out for a short while to the botanic gardens at the university. They have a flock of rare sheep who graze there throughout the autumn and early winter months and we like to feed them and take photographs and being sheep lovers simply go and watch their antics. Poor creatures looked frozen, dejected and miserable. At midday the ground still had thick frost, but it was dull and foggy and in the valley bitterly cold. As a sufferer of headaches the cold effected my already existing mild headache; no matter that I wore a hat and wrapped a scarf round my face the cold penetrated right through my eyes. We hastily fed the sheep, not sure if we are supposed to mind but they certainly appreciated this and than a hasty retreat home where I vowed to stay in hibernation until Monday.

Of course many years ago before the onset of milder winters this sort of weather here in the northeast was normal , although of course as we did not live here than I can’t be absolutely certain it was ever as cold as it is now. An acquaintance once told me when we first arrived here that winters where bitterly cold and one had to wear three pairs of gloves, the snow would drift to the height of a double decker bus and on at least one occasion parents had to dig their way through thick snow to get their children from school. Since arriving here five years ago the weather has been very clement indeed with only the odd fall of snow nothing at all significant at least compared to times past. Last year hardly any snow at all and some days last December where incredibly mild.

The weather does cause an increase in anxiety - of course it does everything now causes an increase in my anxiety. Yesterday I agonised about my son who had taken a trip on the train to see a film and do some shopping. He only has a thin jacket and won’t wear a warmer coat. I don't care if he is thirty, I worry , parents do of course but OCD parents perhaps worry more and catastrophize. What if he missed the train, what if the trains stopped running! Stranded in the cold he can’t afford to stay in a hotel, would he get hypothermia, freeze to death. I get angry, why in the hell did he have to go today and cause me all this worry. You do don't you, get angry at the person you are fretting about I thinks this is normal even though my fears may be rather exaggerated. But that blast of icy cold at the botanic gardens causes me to become so anxious about him, anxiety I had not felt in a long time concerning my son being away in awkward places of any considerable distance. I know he is an adult but such rationalisation doesn’t ease the mind of torment any more than any other attempt to rationalise other OCD or GAD induced concerns.

During such drastic cold weather my mind turns to the poor sheep both in the gardens and in the wild, it is cold here but the cold in such places as the dales and other hilly or mountainous regions must be unbearable. I also think about the poor little dog huddled in his makeshift kennel in a farm in Teesdale which the RSPCA it appears can do nothing about and which I have mentioned in previous entries. Why are people so uncaring so cruel there is no need for this dog to be treated this way. Am I oversensitive, well if so it is a pity that everyone else is not as sensitive and cruelty and neglect of animals and indeed that includes the human animal would not occur. There is of course nothing I can do, but this does not stop my mind turning time and time again to such considerations and I can see that dog now in my minds eye crouched in his kennel. All creature needs warmth and the companionship of their fellow creatures.
 

A flock of rare sheep struggle to graze in the frosty bitter cold and are eager to accept food although I know they are well fed by garden staff. The sheep you can see in the foreground is a delightful creature, she has lost all inhibitions and timidity common to her species and eagerly almost bowls you over in her  haste to accept food.

December 17th

I will not be publishing updates to my blog during the Christmas period beginning on the 20th December until Jan 2nd. Also I will not be on-line on Christmas eve, Christmas day , boxing day, New years day and one or two other days. I will reply to e-mail as usual however there will of course be some delays so please if you do write, bear this in mind. As before I need to tell you this so you do not think I have not bothered to respond. I am of course obsessive compulsive and if I do not relate this information I shall obsess about it and feel the compulsion to check and to respond to e-mail and I really would find this difficult on these days to do so.

I am quite frankly exhausted and need a break not only from all my writing but also from my artwork and the Christmas period is a good a time as any to get some rest and relaxation.  I am very weary right now, both my depression and headaches seem worse of late. A break from painting may prove a useful respite although I shall feel very uncomfortable doing so as I find it difficult not to be occupied with something useful.

Also lately I am finding it difficult indeed to drag myself out of bed some mornings. I only do so now becasue of my compulsions and because I have to get up very early to work on my blog and website and respond to e-mail and I simply need a little rest as sometimes this can feel rather a pressure. I know of course that it should not,  but whatever you do OCD will turn it into a compulsion, even though at first this was not the case, and you than feel anxious if you cannot do this or that. I enjoy receiving e-mail, but after a time because of OCD thinking patterns it has become a compulsion to respond as quickly as possible which becasue of ill health this is not always possible. Nonetheless I can feel guilty as a consequence and if I go on line and check
e-mail I cannot relax until it is answered. Hence the need to avoid going on-line on these days as it will be very stressful for me. I hope I am explaining my situation here clearly as I feel it is becoming an obsessive ramble.

Please do continue to write but please be aware that during this time I will not be able to respond straight the way and not on the dates mentioned above.

We do not do much at this time of year except use it as an excuse to eat too much and veg out. I hope to be a real couch potato and catch up on some reading and not feel so driven to come here and write or to paint. I have many anxieties about Christmas as you can read in my memoir and there have been some very unhappy times around this time of year. However if all is well it can be a time when things are generally more relaxed, when the frantic haste of life seems less so, less intrusive during this couple of weeks when the pace of life for many slows down. After of course the Christmas rush, the lunacy of frantic shopping which is indeed misery for many people in one way or another and an added burden for those of us with an anxiety disorder.

I wish you all a happy Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year. Thank you to everyone who has supported me during 2007 by sending in stories, poetry and other contributions such as allowing me to include e-mail. I will not name you all by name for your names appear on this website. I hope that other sufferers will follow your example and send in their stories, their art, poetry or other creative writing or any literary endeavour.

Many people will leave 2007 with regrets and I think that those of us with an anxiety disorder have regrets resulting from what we perceive as wasted time, the wasted years. Please console yourselves otherwise. It is my opinion that for sensitive people, such as those with an anxiety disorder ,that we can so easily turn any action or circumstance into a reason for regret. Often times this is an over reaction of the mind, a distortion rather like OCD itself and you an end up regretting anything and everything.

Consider the words of Lin Yutang

I have done my best." That is about all the philosophy of living one needs.

If you are reading the following entries after the 29th December, the above will seem not to make sense as below are entries which I said I would not write during the Christmas period into the new year. The fact is, I do have a compulsion to write and I wrote these entries regardless of my resolve to take a break and I may as well publish them as not.  I am not very good at relaxing and in fact it can become stressful if taken too extremes. I did take a rest from e-mail as at times it can be stressful, although the pressures, which involve most OCD checking and other anxieties and the compulsion to respond straight the way, may be seen of course as entirely of my own making. However one could say this about any compulsive behaviour which arises from OCD and most of my problems with writing for my website and e-mail arises from my OCD.

I will however definitely not be on-line for New Years eve and New Years day to respond to e-mail or to upload further entries.



December 18th

I am in the supermarket today, barely recovered from a migraine attack, a hugely overwhelming place concerning sensory issues. Trekking back to use the toilet from the top of the shop feels like and enactment of the Long March. An exaggeration of course but I shout out this comment loudly complaining. It is an endurance test at times making my way through the throng of people pushing trolleys as though they are in some kind of competition. Noise from blaring loudspeakers announcing bargains and so on, with racket of music at the lower end of the shop which sells DVDs and electrical equipment, (at least this shop does not have music in the grocery section), the general hubbub of noise including the piercing screams of children drives me crazy and I feel like screaming. I don’t blame the child of course, even though I mutter under my breath, and wonder if he or she is a sensitive soul also, maybe a child on the autism spectrum or simply a child tired of being dragged round this huge supermarket. As a child I myself screamed so much in public that tranquillisers where required.

I put off as long as possible using the toilet which is never clean and smells dreadful despite the notice of assurance that the toilets are checked every hour - not if the layer of dust on the sanitary towel disposal bin is anything go by - awful a shocking disgrace for a supermarket. Becasue of OCD using any public facility is a nightmare but with IBS I either use public toilets or stay home. But it is a nightmare. Why do they make those cubicles so small, I am a little overweight but cannot imagine how a really big person turns round in them, they are so confined. I hate it that the sanitary bin is so close to the toilet and it takes considerable mindfulness to manoeuvre in such a way as to avoid contact with it. I feel exhausted and angst after putting what one person once referred to as an OCD nest on the toilet seat ( layers of tissue) in order to sit down without feeling contaminated and other complicated manoeuvres such as careful manipulating my cloths not to come into contact with anything in the cubicle and using a piece of tissue to flush the toilet and open the door. Agghhh the stress is just awful. Than with hands surgeon style I have to wash my hands before touching my cloths. The soap dispenser is blocked I bang on it in frustrated anger. This I know is not the thing to do and it does look shocking to other people particularly for a person of my age from whom it is assumed that such angst behaviour tantrums are a thing of the past.

A woman rushes out of the cubicle doesn’t wash her hands, I mutter derogatory comments under my breathe comparing her to a bovine. Why do we do this after all cows are such lovely gentle creatures, sadly why they are used and exploited for meat, notice no one farms and eats a carnivore? There is no comparison to this creature with the behaviours of human beings when they do things that makes you refer to them in this way. An insult indeed to such harmless creatures. At one time I would have said something aloud minus the reference to cows, although there are I admit times when... yes I do in the midst of an angry exchange. For instance some years ago during a confrontation with an idiotic woman who unleashed her hyperactive disobedient obviously untrained dog amongst a flock of sheep which was not only a hazard to the sheep, but also to motorists who used the open road through the forest as the whole flock surged onto the road chased by this dog ignoring this pathetic women calling to it. I mean surely she knew her dog ‘s temperament but some people are just so unaware. But I try not to be so outspoken and abusive as afterwards in some cases I regret doing so, although I have to bite my tongue so to speak. After all concerning this thoughtless women, who did not bother to wash her hands, she will go out into the store and touch food that others will eat with her unwashed hands.

Yes I know the tired old responses to my concern which do absolutely nothing to mitigate my anxieties whatsoever, such as most people will wash fresh fruit and veg or that other food is protected by the packaging. After all in order to remove the food one has to touch the packaging and than handle the food to remove it and by so doing you spread the contamination left by the person who does not wash his or her hands from the packet via your hands to the food. Unless you wash your hands after opening the package and before removing the food, which I do of course. After all said and done you do not know where the packaging has been previously or who has touched it . This however can involve some difficult manoeuvres to remove the food usually shaking it free from the opening of the package and than again washing my hands before touching the food.

It takes only a moment of two to wash your hands, there is no excuse, people disgust me. If you are in any doubt how unhygienic people are. well go into any public toilet anywhere even in a hospital and you will leave with no doubt whatsoever that most people have not progressed further than the middle ages. How do people mange to wee on the seat or on the floor?

This women of course touches the door on her way out. Yes this must have happened before of course, we shop here regularly and I have used this toilet many times. However once I have seen such behaviour there is no going back even though without my having witnessed this kind of thing it is no doubt a regular occurrence and mostly I will be mindful of this his when having to open the door. And when I do so I either open the door by grabbing the handle right at the top if it is one of those long handles or by using a piece of tissue than screwing it up in such a way that the inside does not come into contact with my hands and put it in my pocket. Despite all there precautions I take to avoid any contact with the toilet more times than not I will need to shower when I return home.

My husband picks up a free sample of biscuit pieces from a pile in the bakery section. I nag him, as this is precisely my concern about those who do not wash their hands. Anyone and everyone can touch them and while he is eating it oblivious to such concerns despite my pointing them out a women comes along. She doesn’t take care to chose a slice without touching the others but rummages through to pick a piece, the cuff of her rather grubby jumper coming in contact with biscuits she will not eat but others will, again totally obvious to this. No way would I eat or buy exposed unwrapped food that others may have touched. I never buy unwrapped bread or cakes as people will squeeze bread to test for freshness either ignorant of the propriety's of hygiene or simply not giving a dam. I complain to my husband angry that he does such things, as he should know my feelings on the matter.

Finally my anger erupts as the hand cream which I use in copious amounts due of course to all my hand washing has gone up by fifty percent, I kid you not this is not a mistake. I am outraged, justifiably so and make loud comments caring less what other shoppers think. I am tired of the tactics of supermarkets which accrue profits of billions of pounds, promoting low prices which as anyone can see is nothing but blatant deception. It is a huge scam. Whilst prices are reduced in some sections, prices are raised much higher in another. I mean a fifty percent rise surely no one can justify that, it is pure and simple profiteering. How much money do these greedy people want? Yes I know hand cream is not essential to life although for me personally it alleviates the discomfort from dry hands, which can be bad enough to keep me awake at night. The sudden escalation of prices rise has people like myself who are disabled, old or on low wages rapidly descending into poverty. This morning I along of course with everyone else was faced with the news of the possibly of drastic rises in gas and electricity of up to 17 percent! Sometimes I feel life is such a struggle for those who are unable to work or earn a decent wage and my angry over these problems adds to the already difficult life tormented with OCD and plagued by one headache after another. This Christmas it will be sixteen years since I have had one entire day headache free.

December. 19th

Sometimes you think there is never a time when there is not something to do, a letter to write, someplace to go, some chore that needs attending to and so on and on and on ... Just now whilst trying to write for my website I suddenly recall that I have a letter to write, my heart sinks. No it is not that I do not wish to write this letter , but it is the pressure to do so right now that is the problem because it has become enmeshed within my OCD and it needles away in my mind as I know that someone is waiting for a response even though I said I would not be able to do so until after Christmas. Yet every now and again in between the other OCD babble the thought presents and I feel pressured. Feeling pressured of course is the lot of most people nowadays, except of course without the OCD input to accentuate this. For the sufferer of an anxiety disorder it can be overwhelming as of course all these things add a toll to an already difficult life when one tends to feel that every endeavour is a monumental struggle.

And yes now I have to break off from writing here now to write this letter and get it posted. I think that by doing so I will gain some peace, poor deluded soul that I am, for you see with OCD there is never any peace because as soon as one pressure or compulsion is taken care of another arises and the misery continues.

It may not look like a typical OCD manifestation but the thinking is so typical of OCD, Guilt and the fear of ill fortune arises if one does not attend to these pressures even though to an observer they appear as normal. It is normal to feel somehow pressured as tasks such as writing a letter pile up and there may occur some minor stress but most would either write the letter without further ado, simply to get it out of the way, but not from fear that a dire consequence may arise otherwise. However most likely a normal person would leave it until another time. Either way there would be no anxiety, maybe a little minor guilt but this would soon subside.

Well... conceding defeat to the torment of OCD I must now write that letter before correcting the nightmare of misspelling and typing errors which present now after writing all that and which drive me just crazy presenting their own set of pressures and which involved much work and many checks.


December 20th

It is my son’s birthday, he has Aspergers syndrome, of course if you regularly read my blog you know this and these clarifications seem superfluous, however I am always anxious that someone who has not been here before will not know, however notwithstanding this possibility perhaps it is better not to waste time by repeating this. As a consequence of his AS he finds it difficult to make friends. Birthdays are a timely reminder of how lonely he is. Today he received one birthday card and a couple of books both from my husband and I. We are not able to afford much in the way of too many presents and it has been a struggle to make him feel that he has received something, also his birthday right before Christmas makes if difficult financially for us as of course presents need to be given again at Christmas. We do our best but feel it is never enough. However the main problem is that he has no one else to give or receive gifts or even a card. He like I has a befriender but he did not tell her it was his birthday so today he has but one card and the books from my husband and I. He seems not to be too depressed and we did go out for a meal at the local pub which was pleasant but I could not shake off the sadness and depression I felt on his behalf. I do worry what will happen to him when my husband and I are no longer here. I worry about him now in the present that his life is so lonely that he has no prospects which will enable him to improve his situation. He is too ill with depression and anxiety which are common in people with AS to try to find ways of improving his life. I would like him to have friends, find a partner to share his life with and to be able to sell his art ...or even just be able to be motivated enough to produce some artwork.

He has the talent but lacks the motivation, he simply is not interested preferring to pursue his perserverations (positive obsessions in the form of intense narrow interests which although positive can be a distraction and a hindrance at times to the pursuit of daily activities. Perserverations are welcomed unlike OCD obsessions which are not. I think it is time I had some sort of an index which explains these terms which some people may not be familiar with in order for me to stop this compulsion to write out explanations for terminology which I feel people may not be familiar with) In short he has the talent but lacks the motivation.

I recall once many years ago close to Christmas time a CPN telling me that there will be many people at Christmas who will not receive a present. This was an inappropriate remark as it was made as a comparison to suggest that there are others worse than I, for instance a lonely person who would not receive a gift for Christmas or a birthday. I have never forgotten this remark. Not simply because I was annoyed at the inappropriateness of his making such a comparison - which does nothing to mitigate your own suffering but rather accentuates it as you than feel guilty and suffer vicariously some measure of another persons suffering, in this case people who do not receive gifts becasue they are alone, but also I thought than and of course now what it would be like to have serious mental health problems and also to be alone and not receive a card or a gift at Christmas or a birthday. Sadly this possibility haunts me now concerning my son.

December21st

I am standing in line in the post office, I need to send a parcel as a recorded delivery. It is very stressful, complicated at least, it appears that way to my stressed out brain fogged mind. A queue is growing bigger behind me. I need to fill in the form with the address of the person to whom the parcel is being sent. It is an unfamiliar address, this is not a parcel to a friend or relative. Unlike most people I cannot simply look at the address and remember it long enough to write it down without continual referral to the parcel upon which the name and address is written. I feel self conscience knowing people are waiting although no one indicates any impatience. Moreover I feel an idiot. I can’t spell so this increases the checking of course and I cannot recall the postcode without continual referral to the parcel and than I have to check several times more that it is right as it's ‘s quite important that this parcel does not get lost in the post. Normally I will stand aside and allow another customer to be served, but today I simply can’t cope with waiting in line again as just standing here is so stressful.

To make matters worse nowadays when I am anxious I feel an urgent need to urinate really just awful, it is a most dreadful feeling and is the result of my anxiety as more often than not in reality there is no real urgency and if I do panic to the toilet often there is nothing much more than a teaspoonful. Oftentimes there are simply no public facilities and small shops will not allow you to use their toilet for insurances reasons, so this adds to what is more often than not these days the misery of going out and doing even the simplest of errands such as post a letter or parcel. I know not a pleasant subject to write about but it is a significant facet of my anxiety and presents at the slightest hint that a situation may be or is stressful . The urgent need to urinate referred to as irritable bladder is also a symptom of my IBS but there is also most certainly a facet of anxiety contributing to this stressful condition. It adds to the misery of my life and if going far I have to be mindful not too drink to much. In recent months this has been a huge problem and the minute I have to leave the house my bladder goes into overdrive, this dreadful need to urinate increases anxiety which than of cause increases the need to urinate. It also adds its own measure of stress and puts me at a disadvantage. For instance when consulting my doctor, sometimes this urgency is a significant distraction, and that in addition to my social interaction difficulties trying to explain my circumstances, makes such situations nothing more than an endurance test which I can dread for days in advance.

December 22nd

Sitting here now I am uplifted by a delightful view from the window of this room. It is 15.05 the sky is clearing, there is pink haze over the horizon, and it tinges the light mist which hangs over the fields and the woods in the distance. After a dull wet and bitterly cold day it is a joy to see.

Today I am particularly depressed and loath this dreadful house as the problem with penetrating damp has spread and is now most definitely a serious problem which is encroaching into our bedroom. What we are going to do about it I have not the least idea, the cost to rectify this would be huge and today I have been bitterly depressed, tearful, angry, apathetic, a whole range of emotions. I or rather all of us simply cannot cope. Yes people would think me able after all I have created a website and am fairly adept with technology more so than my contemporaries but when it comes to the matter of daily living I can’t cope, neither can my husband or son. My husband seems withdrawn more into his own world. He seems increasingly distant and my son’s preservations seem more intense, perhaps as a reaction to the intensely difficult lives we lead.

I was angry with both my son and husband accusing my son of swaning around and my husband of adapting the stance of an ostrich which as we all know buries its head in the sand at the least hint of danger. I feel guilty now but it is just that no one wants to confront these problems and I feel left with all the worrying, not that worrying does any good of course but knowing this does not stop you worrying does it, partially if you have GAD or any other anxiety disorder . I think all of us with an anxiety disorder are chronic worriers above and beyond the limitations of our respective disorders, whether we are an agoraphobic or an OCDer we worry more than the average person.

Notwithstanding the misery of existence I can appreciate this view from my window as the last bursts of the afternoon sun pour in. This view, which the large window in this room affords a good expansive of sky, fields and the woods beyond, is just so picturesque despite the odd pylon and the busy road which passes through our village. It might not be a spectacular view, although few would deny it was pleasant, but compared to the view which many people have from their homes it offers a pretty aspect. And at times we are treated to some magnificent sunsets, indeed as the clouds now are turning to a bright peach as the sun begins to set I felt the need to write about it now.

Today is the winter solstice, a day to celebrate as a turning point, yes as the beginning of winter but also the commencement of the decline of the shorter hours of day light as from this day onwards the days grow steadily longer and things begin to stir in the ground and imperceptibly but steadily begin to grow and I can now feel we are on the way to spring.

 

December 23rd

Well today I am just as anxious, I still have OCD, and all the other maladies, my son still has AS, is depressed and anxious, my husband is also depressed and withdrawn, our spare room continues to be effected by penetrating damp and well I could go on with a lengthy list of negative circumstances. I don’t have much of a headache but that could change at any moment as is indeed likely sometime in the day to do so. In other words since last night nothing much has changed in my life. I am depressed as I sit here and write for I am chronically depressed to some degree even if is low grade. So why was I more deeply profoundly depressed last night? I could not sleep and even cried at one point at the hopelessness of my life and the fear that the future holds nothing but increasing misery and unhappiness. I still feel this way as indeed the prognosis for the rest to my life is grim and I have to be a realist, nothing much is going to change for the better now at this juncture in my life. Yet this morning my depression is less keen, I cannot sadly say I am not depressed but it is not so deep otherwise I would not be sitting here writing ,which last night I could not have done. In fact after last night after an hour or so of aimless surfing on the net unable to focus much on anything I curled up on the couch and fell asleep as I do most might's as depression becomes more enhanced, but last night it was particularly so.

It seems to me that depression is indeed due in part to chemical imbalances, although sometimes depression of course is effected by circumstances but rather that which exist in the real sense such as my concerns over my son, my husband and the damp and other problems with our home and also by less tangible circumstances which play themselves out in my mind such as OCD thoughts which lead to exhausting compulsions, GAD type thoughts and internal negativity. But for me there is definitely a chemical component and this type of depression is distinguishable from the circumstantial type and is less easy to cope with and I cannot muster any motivation or focus my attention on anything to alleviate this type of depression. Once this depression has been replaced by the milder type of depression I am then riddled with regrets for wasting time enmeshed in the throes of this more incapacitating and motivating sapping condition, which is, incidentally, beyond my abilities to thwart or mitigate and I simply have to ride it out.


December 30th

Well my family and I did not do a lot over Christmas, other than eat too much we spent most of the time reading or watching TV. I had several migraines which proves the point that relaxation does not make a dam bit of difference, mind you no one with OCD or other anxiety disorder is ever really relaxed as the torment simply goes on and on. Right now I am going through hell with twelve migraines this month, some on three consecutive nights and Friday night a severe tension headache which I feared would develop into migraine later on but thankfully did not.

Yes I  know I said I would not write during the Christmas period and into the new year. The fact is, I do have a compulsion to write and I wrote these entries regardless of my resolve to take a break and I may as well publish them as not.  I am not very good at relaxing and in fact it can become stressful if taken to extremes. I did take a rest from e-mail as at times it can be stressful, although the pressures, which involve mostly OCD checking and other anxieties and the compulsion to respond straight the way, may be seen of course as entirely of my own making. However one could say this about any compulsive behaviour which arises from OCD and most of my problems with writing for my website and e-mail arises from my OCD.

I will however definitely not be on-line for New Years eve and New Years day to respond to e-mail or to upload further entries.

As each passing week brings us slowly towards the time when my son and I have our art  exhibition, somehow I have to keep my focus on more painting and preparation as pictures need framing and so on. I will continue to update my blog from time to time but must resist the compulsion to do so as often or to ramble on and on as I tend to do, and than wonder why I am so exhausted as of course thereafter the entries are checked and checked and the torment is at times unbearable.

Concerning migraine someone sent to me a link to the following article in the Independent:

Drug Promises End to Migraine Misery

"A British doctor is leading a drugs trial that could spell the end of the misery endured by thousands of migraine sufferers. John Chambers, a consultant cardiologist at Guy's Hospital London, says that when, on a mere hunch, he tested clopidogrel, a simple clot-busting drug, on five patients plagued by migraines, it worked, in some cases, "spectacularly well" . "

To read the rest of the article please visit the Independent
on-line:

Drug promises end to migraine misery - Independent Online Edition > Health

Again my best wishes for a happy new year to you all

Having real trouble trying to ignore the compulsion to read all those entries again for the umpteenth time, so stressful. It is one of the reasons I said I would take a break from writing as writing of any kind both for my website and for e-mail can be a  torture of obsessive compulsive behaviours. Yet the compulsion to write is strong and anxiety over replying to e-mail straight the way has now become a compulsion and although I did take a few days over Christmas there was considerable anxiety.  As I have said before after uploading these entries I will not be on line again until Jan 2nd. It is important that I learn to cope with these compulsions and have a couple of days or so respite. There is a lot of potential anxiety to come with the exhibition and other things. Already I am getting anxious obsessing and fretting over perceived imperfections, when all of a sudden a painting I once thought was reasonable, but never perfect of course, now looks awful.

 

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