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My psychologist seemed rather overwhelmed by the amount of writing which I presented to him in response to his request for me to fill in a form which highlighted my OCD and other behaviours. The form was very limited for space so I transferred it to a more lengthy version which allowed me to write more, I cannot be concise at the best of times but certainly concerning my OCD and other problems the symptoms are far too complicated and pervasive and interwoven to be fitted into a couple of inches of space. He was also not keen to read either my OCD story or my article A Day in the Life of an OCDer. Yes he was really rather taken aback. My son also was somewhat amused when I showed him what I has hoping to give my psychologist to read. My idea was that it would save time and allow me to explain my problems easier and more accurately than trying to explain them verbally because of my communication difficulties. I thought it would allow him to arrive at a decision quicker whether or not he was able to offer me any therapy.

His amazed reaction got me thinking that perhaps all the writing here is rather overwhelming and when visitors come to my website site to read an OCD blog they expect to see short entries of no more than three or four paragraphs. I do of course realise that many of us with anxiety disorders may become overwhelmed by having to read too much and to be subject to information overload. The same applies to myself, I may be able to write rather prolifically, but I ,like most of my fellow sufferers, tend to feel overwhelmed by too much information particularly when one has to read such information on a computer screen. However knowing the difficulties and altering my tendency to write long ramblings renditions is quite another matter. I am unable to be concise. I do not think this has anything to do with an inability to write the English language in an appropriate and acceptable manner in accordance with the  modern tendency for short sentences and more concise explanations. Rather this may simply be more to do with my anxieties to give you an accurate account of my experiences as a sufferer of OCD, and moreover I think that the need for more detail may stem from my autistic tendencies. As those of you know who have read my website I believe quite strongly that I have significant autistic traits and may in fact have Aspergers syndrome. Attention to minute details seems a characteristic of anyone on the autistic spectrum. I have tried a number of times to make entries shorter but to no avail. I will continue to try as I do not want to put anyone off.

Concerning my own difficulties with too much information, lack of concentration and so on: I try to handle this problem of being overwhelmed by saying to myself just to take it easy, read one portion at a time slowly making a conscious effort to pay attention and if I do not understand it or cannot concentrate on it I simply move on. Mostly, even though we cannot concentrate or feel overwhelmed, we do manage to glean something from most things that we read. In my opinion it is better to just carry on reading, absorbing something or even nothing rather than giving up all together. Concerning the psychologist though, this is quite another matter, for all psychologists with the NHS time is limited and they do not perhaps have though time to spend reading lengthy renditions of patients who have some kind of hypergraphical tendencies.

December 3rd

I can’t eat out of most of my serial bowels, at least not my nice new green ones. Last week as I was entering the sitting room I was horrified to see my husband wiping down the steam of running water from the window and squeezing out the cloth into one of our breakfast bowls! I panic I cannot believe my eyes, he has contaminated the bowl, no amount of washing will rid it of the germs which I perceive are in the water, the condensation that gathers on the windows at this time of year. I fear legionaries disease, this is a relatively new OCD contamination issue for me but it is a significant problem and one which is growing by the minute or so it would seem. I of course washed the bowel over and over in running water, wiped it with vodka, scolded it in boiling water and washed it in detergent, but still I will never use it again . Now a week on all the bowels have been mixed up and I do not know which is the contaminated bowel. I have other bowels but I will never be able to use these green ones again nor allow anyone else to. I was angry with my husband, often when you have OCD it is indeed difficult to know what normal behaviour is particularly when you have suffered for so many years but I am sure that wiping down the windows and squeezing the excess water into a breakfast bowel would not be considered the thing to do for reasons of hygiene. Surely not! If I had not noticed he would have probably just rinsed it under the tap and put it to be washed with the rest of the washing up.

In all fairness I have to admit that it cannot be easy living with a person with OCD - well two people actually as my son also in addition to having Asperger syndrome has mild contamination OCD. But my husband does what appears to us OCDers, at least to those of us who have contamination OCD, as the most outrageous things, but to him they are no big deal, he simply perceives the world in an entirely different way. Although we have been married for over three decades he still fails often to really understand what it is like, particularly concerning  contamination OCD. He has in fact obsessive-compulsive behaviours of his own, odd worrying quirks difficult to categorise and if I were not a sufferer of OCD I would probably not see his behaviours for what they really are. I believe that he also is somewhere on the autistic spectrum and perhaps his obsessive compulsive characteristics arise from this or maybe from the depression which he sufferers to some degree and has done so now for number of years. Often obsessive-compulsive traits manifest with depression.

Often all three of us step on each others toes and neurotic behaviours collide and are incompatible. And often we fail to see the other person problems as real. So it is by no means easy to get anyone to understand what it is like, particularly OCD as it is so individual to each sufferer and often the OCD of another sufferer seem incomprehensible. However understanding that each of us has an illness is vital and this needs to be accepted even though we may not understand the different perspective of the other person. Yes we have our cross words and accuse one another of not understanding the others point of view however bizarre or neurotic, but we certainly understand each other more that any outsider, than any normal person or neurotypical - a term used in autistic circles to describe so called normal people.

“Why can’t you choose active melancholy?” I ask my son this many times when he sinks into the despair of inactivity, a despair borne of depression. He has not done any artwork for weeks giving into depression without much of a fight - at least that is my perspective. He gets irritated and tells me that I do not understand and perhaps he is correct. At least from the perspective of how his depression effects him personally. We are not all the same, depression effects each individual differently along with varying degrees of coping abilities. I do of course understand depression and its pervasive nature that will send you into a black hole of despair from which it is difficult to extricate oneself. It will sap your energy and your motivation. It will erode away your sense of wellbeing, it will take away any pleasure that you once had and your interests will seem less important, bland meaningless and you no longer have the desire to be involved in them. Indeed during times of deep depression everything appears to lack pursue and appears futile. Why should I draw, paint, knit, sow, tend the garden, go to the cinema or a football match, go for a drink and so on. All of a sudden such pursuits seems less appealing. But maybe not all of a sudden depression can in fact creep up on you slowly becoming compounded by life’s circumstances and an increasing inability to cope. Depression is an insidious enemy, one can sink into despair in moments or become bogged down in a mire of despondency which will pervade your whole life, a weight of unhappiness permanently heavy over your heart.

It is very sad indeed to be so incapacitated by depression. I know how he feels to some extent, although I tend to chose active melancholy because I guess that if I do not by the end of the day I will be more depressed as I will feel as though I have wasted more of my precious life. And at my age it feels as though it is now a race against time to find some meaningful satisfaction from life other than the continuous round of soul destroying time consuming obsessions and compulsions.

But my son feels differently, his depression has destroyed his ability to concentrate, to be motivated and creatively inspired. I tell him paint anything, it matters not how good or otherwise, it matters not what subject you choose just paint. But I guess it is easier said than done and somehow I have to accept that his depression effects him differently but it is so sad to see such talent wasted. Often you see successful artists achieve great acclaim, who are successful even moderately with far less ability that my son has. Yes I know I am his mother but he really does have talent, believe me I would not say so otherwise. It is sad to see such ability go to waste he needs encouragement but sadly often it is not possible for parents to do this, even though he is an adult he rarely accepts much in the way of advice feeling that I am nagging and that I do not understand.

Again as in the previous entry, in order to live together we need to accept one another's problems and to a good extent we do - at least I think we do the others may of course see things differently. Mental health problems of all types are lonely experiences, we live trapped, isolated in our own worlds from which it is difficult to extricate ourselves or allow others to help us do so. No one knows how another person feels, what he or she thinks, the world of our own mind is unique impenetrable and no matter how hard they try it is impossible for another person to truly understand what we feel and think. Moreover it is often difficult even impossible for us to explain what our lives are like to others. Our perspective upon the world remains obscure to all, sometimes even to ourselves.

December 19th

I have not written anything in my journal for such a long time now and this sadly has nothing to do with my usual OCD inhibitions. I really do not know how to begin to tell you as I feel so overwhelmed by grief but I cannot set this event aside and carry on as though this never happened. On the 11th December my brother in law Michael Johnson died, Mike was my sister’s husband for over thirty years and I had known him for over thirty six years. I have spoken of him on my website and in my memoir and short story.

I am not sure if it helps anyone to give an account of on going unhappiness of this nature which affects others but my brother-in-law's story is a sad one and some of the recent events need to be told.. I intend to dedicate a page to these more  recent events which have occurred in my brother in law's life, events that his situation highlights concerning the vulnerability of many people in our society. But for now there follows a brief account of recent events during the last three years.

Mike had been through an awful of lot of suffering in the last two and a half years beginning with the death of his wife my sister. Six months after which he had a fall, injured his head and lay unconscious in his flat for thirty six hours and suffered a serious brain clot and underwent surgery. At the time he lived in Leicester in sheltered housing accommodation. Sheltered accommodation means that the complex houses elderly people usually over the age of sixty, each resident has his or her own apartment, there is sometimes a full time warden but often nowadays if you live in such accommodation you have to make do with a mobile warden. This means that a warden visits several complexes and checks on the welfare of tenants once each day, at all other times help is summoned by a remote control system connected to a central office. At the time of Mikes accident there was a part time warden working between 9am and 3pm.

Mike unsteady on his legs because he needed a hip replacement had a fall in the communal lounge hitting his head on a table rendering himself unconscious. The warden who was a trained nurse merely sat Mike in a chair dragged the chair to his apartment and left him there. This was Thursday evening. Friday morning the warden visited my brother-in-law and seeing him still unconscious in his chair assumed he must have been drunk (the explanation given to the hospital for the cause of the fall, which the hospital did not believe) and still sleeping it off so he left him. On Saturday morning a neighbour called round, Mike never locked his door, and this lady finding him still unconscious called an ambulance.

My brother-in-law had been left for over thirty six hours. It is the kind of shocking incident of neglect that one reads about in the papers yet one does not quite believe. In fact I can't ever recall a case anything like this as most instances when someone has been left unattended it usually occurs when that person lives alone not under such circumstances as this. The surgeon who operated upon my brother-in-law telephoned me telling me it was unlikely that Mike would live he also told me the length of time he had been left unattended and that some action needed to be taken. He told me that he found the explanation given by the Housing Association that my brother-in-law was drunk to be unlikely. Even if he had been surely an ambulance should have been called immediately, in any circumstance when a person who is drunk and cannot be roused it is necessary to call for medical assistance particularly in such an incidence when the person has sustained a fall and a visible injury - there was a cut on his forehead and his glasses where broken. Yes since the death of my sister he had been drinking rather more than usual but he was never drunk. Moreover surely when the warden entered my brother-in-law’s apartments the following day and found him still unconscious surely than you would have imagined that common sense would have prevailed and the warden would have than called an ambulance. The whole event is beyond my comprehension to understand.

Furthermore when the warden came to visit my brother-in-law for the first time while he was in intensive care he never once apologised and was indeed quite open about the events that led to the delay of vital medical treatment, a delay that resulted in a more complex operation, more extensive brain damage and maybe even the result of his death 25 months later. The neurologist told me that Mike had extensive brain damage. I never took action at this time or even made a complaint too concerned for my brother-in-law and afterwards Mike seemed not to want to pursue the matter. The warden went out of his way to help us but after a time simply walked away after promising some assistance leaving me in a very difficult and stressful situation. I may make an official compliant this is a very serious case of neglect and this person now works with special needs children which is rather worrying. I am quite frankly amazed he was not immediately dismissed from his position as warden, in fact it seems that nothing much of anything was done at all. I find if very difficult indeed to cause harm to another even to the extent of making a complaint however justified but really the whole situation is so shocking and I cannot justify having not taken action of any kind. I feel guilty that I did not at least complain.

Despite the negative prognosis Mike survived in spite of the neglect and the seriousness of his injury. He was in intensive care for a number of weeks, he was later referred to a hospital for rehabilitation. All in all he was in hospital for eight months. During this time we visited him in hospital several times despite the distance involved as he had no one having become estranged from his only sister many years earlier. We were told that Mike would need to go into a nursing home but after some time he made some progress, sufficient to allow him to return to the gloomy depressing apartments in Leicester where he received visits from carers who did only the basics in cleaning and shopping. He was still disabled and had difficulty walking and his speech was slurred, it was difficult for him to get out and most of the time he was isolated except for the occasional get-togethers between him and a group of friends who met together in the communal lounge for an hour or two in the evenings.

During this time I was very concerned indeed about my brothering law’s welfare and we had his name down on the waiting list for placement in an Extra Care complex in our locality. These complexes for the elderly are similar to sheltered accommodation with the exception that there are carers on duty twenty four seven, there is a restaurant and three meals a day are available. The apartments are large, light and spacious unlike his former accommodation in Leicester which was cramped and gloomy. This is a new scheme only available in our locality and we were indeed keen to get my brother-in-law an apartment in this excellent facility where he could retain his independence but receive excellent round the clock care. After eight months of waiting finally he was offered an apartment. In some ways it was like living in a four star hotel and Mike enjoyed the luxury, security and comfort.

He still had some disability and problems walking but he had not regretted his decision to live here and we have been out and about together in some of the interesting and scenic places in our locality and he had done remarkably well in coping with the dreadful perversity and sorrow which has been his lot in recent years.

It is such a shock that this should happen now after all he has been through. He had been through more than enough and his death now after only eight months since moving here seems so unfair. I feel as though there is a great gaping whole in my life and I feel so empty inside. In some ways his death seems harder to bear than the other losses, maybe it is because he was my last relative of the family unit into which I was born, my mother, father and sister are all gone now and perhaps throughout these years I have been in denial and now it all seems so real and the pain of loss is profound. I thought of Michael more as a brother than a brother-in-law and we had know each other for over thirty six years.

I also experienced guilt, dreadful guilt and wish that I had done more to help him but because of my OCD this was difficult and the pain of regret is just terrible to bear. There are many sad circumstances surrounding Michaels' last two or three years and eventually I will try and share them with you.

I deeply miss Mike and the world is an emptier place without him, he was married to my sister Lynda for over thirty three years. Once I would have said that he looked after her during her difficult life as a sufferer of agoraphobia and anorexia nervosa however it now appears that they looked after each other and after her death Mike seemed less able to cope. In time I will tell you their story as it highlights the many ways in which society turns it’s back on those who are less able to cope with it’s increasingly difficult demands and how certain unscrupulous sections of our society take advantage of those of us who are by the nature of our maladies vulnerable and easy targets for these unethical and predatory people. 

I will always keep a place in my heart for him and my sister and will think of them as we visit the many places that he loved in the Yorkshire and Durham Dales.

December 20th

Today is my son’s birthday. Naturally it is overshadowed by our recent bereavement. In addition though I feel sad that he has only one birthday card and this is from my husband and I. Since moving here he has made no friends, his social integration difficulties resulting from Aspergers syndrome and his depression inhibit him from trying to find friends and to socialise. He has lost contact with his former friend with whom he had been friends since early childhood.

Birthdays and others celebrations such as Christmas are for many a sad time when loneliness is highlighted. For me this year I received only one birthday card and presents from only my husband and son. Those of us who suffer from some kind of social interaction difficulty including social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, Asperger syndrome and other types of autism often feel much more aware of their difficulties at such times of the year. I have had such difficulties all my life but have tried to overcome them but sadly my son seems not to be able to do this or he is simply too depressed to be motivated to do so. We are all different and our abilities to overcome adversity or otherwise vary from person to person. But it causes me much sadness to see my son so alone. I believe that the only way one can find happiness is to work at improving ones situation, even though at times we make little headway often we can improve our lot in small ways. We should at least try to halt our deterioration if at all possible. Social integration problems like any other get worse if we do not fight against them, the less we involve ourselves in society the more difficult it becomes to function when the time comes that we have to do so as it does for all of us. Unless you live as a hermit on a desert island you need to communicate with others and the more you avoid doing so the more difficult it gets. But conversely of course there are times when we feel so overwhelmed with life that even trying becomes increasing difficult and we should not feel guilty if we cannot make such an effort. But even if we do just one little thing such as say good morning to a neighbour it is better than nothing. Sometimes I feel as though I do not want to go to the bottom of the street to post a letter should someone speak to me because I will be embarrassed because I will become tongue-tied. This is no way to live and life becomes nothing more than a daily grind of misery and anxiety as our fears grow increased ever more by our avoidance of anxiety provoking situations.

Throughout my life I have tried to make friends and be involved in society but just recently the motivation to do so is simply not there anymore. The same now applies to my son who is for want of a better word or words: out of practice. This is due to the fact that both he and I actually literally need to keep in practice in order not to lose our confidence or forget the well rehearsed repertoires of conversations that we have formulated to get us by in the  many social situations with which we are presented. I find it increasingly difficult, it seems I have nothing to say to anyone and indeed no one has much to say to me as no one appears nowadays to take much interest in other people. Maybe because of recent unhappy events of the last few years I find it increasingly difficult to be bothered sometimes, as I now worry more than ever before about any conversation with anyone irrespective of whether they're a friend, an acquaintance or someone I have briefly met and may never meet again during the course of any casual social interaction such as in shops, on the phone to make an enquiry or other business, the doctors and so on. After any conversation I ruminate upon many negative things such as: did I sound angry, (which sadly can be the case nowadays particularly when trying to sort out my late brother-in-law affairs,  you cannot imagine how demanding and unreasonable certain people have been, it is something I will tell you about shortly) did I say something which may cause harm and so on. Or I simply analyse all conversations from the point of view of my social ineptness which most times leaves me feeling anxious and embarrassed by what I perceive to be the other person's negative reactions. I often imagine that I get odd looks as though the other person can see right through me as though they know that there is problem that I am not like everyone else, they don't know what it is of course but they do know that there is something not quite right and my thinking this whether rightly or wrongly has me at a disadvantage and adds to my special anxiety.

December 22nd

I couldn’t believe my eyes the crowds in the supermarket were overwhelming. It’s only Thursday! I had thought it would be relatively peaceful there are after all two more days until Christmas and it was 10 am on a weekday. Yet there was so many people, I wondered if anyone went to work anymore, it was not just mothers with young children and the retired who were scuttling frantically round loading their trolleys to an overflowing capacity. I cannot cope with crowds and wanted nothing more than to grab our shopping and go. It appeared indecent in many respects this overindulgent decadent greed when others go hungry. Yet I have done the same when my son was a young child and Christmas was still a delight and I was oblivious to the ridiculousness and yes senselessness of it all. I am sorry if anyone is offended by what I write, some people may still enjoy Christmas. Or do they? Children maybe but do adults really enjoy this time of the year? I know Christmas is a compulsion here in the Western world, a compulsion very difficult to eradicate as strong if not stronger than any compulsion borne of OCD. Of all the people I have asked: “Do you enjoy Christmas”? none have relied yes. Few have even showed just an indifference rather most people complain about all the expenses and the stress of it all, and yet they continue to celebrate by over spending, over eating, and drinking, a festival which for the most part has little meaning for them. They are driven by societies convention often against their better judgement or even with no attempt at judgment or analyses at all, they seem to have seemingly no insight and go with the flow unable to stand back and ask themselves what it is all for. Someone even suggested I should put aside our sadness as it was Christmas and enjoy ourselves. I wondered what kind of person can enjoy his or herself when they have lost someone they have cared about. And it is the second bereavement for me at this time of year: twelve's years ago I had a still born daughter and have never bothered much about Christmas again except to perhaps prepare a special meal and overeat but this year I simply cannot face bothering with a celebration that brings only unhappy memories at a time of new unhappiness. This year at the supermarket our weekly bill was even less expensive than it was last week and other than a few chocolates we have bought nothing different.

In fact this need for everyone to enjoy Christmas and carry on going through the motions despite the sadness which is felt inside is one of the aspects of Christmas that really irks me. Christmas is very uncompromising - at least society attitude towards Christmas is and it is the most difficult of all of societies obsessive-compulsion behaviours to ignore. Even now I feel the compulsive urge to go and buy some more food even though I would rather not. Yes indeed if we look at it for many people this is all Christmas has become; a stressful compulsion, a compulsion now capitalised upon, commercialised and exploited by big businesses motivated by greed and profit much of the real significance of Christmas has slipped into oblivion. At least this is the case for the most part concerning Christmas here in the UK where people really no longer know what it is they' re celebrating .

I know I come over as a real old misery a modern day scrooge but at least I am honest about it. I have had my life blighted by the need to comply with so many obsessive-compulsive behaviours borne of OCD that I flatly refuse to be drawn into this one, a compulsion as destructive and as uncompromising as any of my personal obsessive compulsive behaviours. I am not about to comply with this common compulsion and exhaust myself both psychically and financially for the sake of sticking with convention.

However having said all that I do appreciate the two or three days over the Christmas holiday here in the UK when you can really hibernate so to speak when you will not be forever pestered on the telephone, or receive post you would rather not receive or suffer any other unwanted intrusion. It is a time when you can stay at home and relax  for just a few days from the pressures and demands of an increasingly demanding uncompromising society.

However I wish all of those who truly enjoy Christmas and those who do not a happy time I hope that everyone in the coming year may find some happiness and peace within their lives.

December 23rd.

I cannot find my comb I haven't combed my hair for three days I simply can’t cope as life seems so miserable and I feel so wretched. Sometimes it is the simplest things that are the most difficult, people who do not understand can’t imagine how someone who can create and maintain two website and is in the throes of creating a third can be so inept at other matters. Naturally it is the OCD which makes life difficult in all it's facets but OCD also interferes with my website particularly concerning the written content and right now this is a huge problem of which I contend daily . Therefore my ineptitude does not arise merely from my OCD. Indeed it goes beyond OCD I simply cannot function in routine everyday matters and life seems an unbearable nightmare of complicated confusion and hopelessness of which I feel unable to extricate myself. I am unable to concentrate or even comprehend, I cannot make a decision - any decision! And organisation well ... Nowadays I can’t even organise a meal or sort out my washing, yes as I have said OCD certainly plays a part in presenting difficulties in both these areas of my life, but there is something else, it is as though I cannot focus on such simple and mundane chores. I am often frozen unable to function. How on earth we, my husband, son and I, have managed to cope during the last two weeks I will never know if indeed we have really coped rather than having just given up. From certain perspectives it may appear as though we have given up and walked away so to speak.

Sorting through my late brother in-law’s things and trying to work out what on earth to do with the mountains of paper work concerning his financial and other affairs is impossible, I have had no choice other than to set them aside and keep them for a few months should they be needed. He kept everything for at least a decade in a muddled filing system along with endless papers, printouts about all manner of things which interested him. I was not his legal next of kin although he always referred to me as such for medical reasons and for a contact in the sheltered accommodation and the extra care accommodation where he moved to after my sister’s death. Sadly he had become estranged from his sister thirty years ago and knew not of her whereabouts. All I was able to do was register his death, arrange his funeral and inform his bank other than that I can do little else. I am just too ill, too overwhelmed and simply unable to cope. I have lost my brother-in-law, the pain of this loss is unbearable and I cannot tolerate society’s demands that at such times seem so insensitive, so demanding and impatient. There is no respect in modern society for either the deceased or his relatives and friends.

I have had to contend with unreasonable demands for me to travel fifteen miles in order to take in the original death certificate to verify that he had died, this turned out to be a mistake but it did course some stress and I had to ring again and agree a more reasonable compromise. My husband and I rang several people from whom Mike received services and goods and received for the most part nothing but demands for us to send in death a certificate, one person even continued to try and sell us something. The demands by society at the time of bereavement are shocking, intrusive and insensitive. We were required to clear out his apartments in a matter of only days, before the funeral even. We would have had to have done this immediately if Mike had not been in credit with his rent, if we had not done so we would have been presented with a bill of over £30 per day! However I must say that despite this one area of insensitivity and inconsideration the staff of the complex in question had cared for Mike for eight months and he had had round the clock care which had included trips out and parties and other get-togethers. He had enjoyed his time there albeit sadly only very briefly and after two years of dreadful suffering I am grateful to this housing association and for the social services department who where responsible for the care of residents. This scheme is unique here in the UK and it made all the difference to Mike during the last few months of his life. Also the staff where extremely helpful to us during this time particularity the manager who went out of her way to help us in any way she could. Often one has to bear in mind that most of the people with whom we have dealings are simply doing their jobs and they have no say in such matters and are in no way to blame for the increasingly unreasonable demands of their employers. Also it needs to be said that the extra care complexes are non profit making and these rules are therefore not based upon the usual drive to make profit at the expense of others. Nonetheless a little leeway in such situations would make all the difference to an already unhappy and traumatic circumstance.

Nonetheless because of societies demands we had not the time to morn our loss and how we coped at all amazes me as my husband, son and I are all suffer with mental health problems. Personally, often I felt as though I just wanted to curl up in a corner and let it all roll over me, after all I had no legal obligation to do anything but from respect to my brother-in-law I did my best but it has taken it’s toll, I feel drained and deeply saddened by this pressure to comply with many unreasonable demands.

I have done my best with his personal things considering the pressure to remove them from his apartments; they either had to be moved or the housing association would simply get someone to take them away and dump them goodness knows where. It would add to my grief but of course I could not keep them all although the temptation to do so was strong. Rather like my former neighbour who kept everything of her late sister, I could not bear to part with either my sister’s or Mike’s belongings. I had to give some away to charity not knowing quite what else to do in the short time available only keeping things that were personal to Mike and my sister. Sadly like myself , my family and our neighbour Mike hoarded and cluttered, he kept everything of my sister’s with the exception of her cloths. I could not bear to give away or dispose of all that lovely patchwork or the folders which contained all her course work everything she had ever done towards her city and guilds course, even tiny pieces of paper with rough half finished sketches, scribbled ideas for projects. It was all there, all that effort, all that work and achievement after so many years of suffering the incapacitating mental maladies which had prevented her from really living a full life.

Moreover I kept most of Mikes books, CDs and so many other things that most people would have given away or simply thrown away. I wanted to keep it all otherwise it would feel as though I were giving them away as though I was parting with their very existence. I particularly could not part with his computer, it was so much a part of him, it was his main interest in life, it would break my heart to give it away although we have three computers of our own . It will probably hardly be used but I could not part with it. It was difficult enough when the charity for the homeless came and took away his furniture, it was heartbreaking it had only seemed so short a time ago that we were there helping him to move in all his belongings. Their possessions are all that remained of their lives and really I wished I had kept it all. Yes seeing their things scattered here there and everywhere is indeed sad but the sadness of parting with all the things that made up their lives would have been just to difficult to bear. I am afraid that without seeing their things it will appear as though they were never here and as though they had not really existed. I am so overwhelmed with the sorrow of it that it is not easy for me to describe my thoughts here in this way. Are such thoughts peculiar to myself? I would imagine not and I feel that my neighbour may have had similar thoughts which compelled her to keep all of her late sister's belongings. In fact my sister once told me that she could not bear to throw anything away, things that others had given her, not even letters, particularly not letters as it was as though she would be throwing part of that person away. So here we are in our rather cramped terraced house cluttered with our own collections and many of my sister's and brother-in-laws’ things.

The loss of my brother-in-law did cause me to reflect on how fleeting life is and how we grasp after material things, yet everything we own is only ours for a time and will one day belong to us no more and it is sad how we place so much store into the acquisition of such things which others will either keep for themselves or dispose of after we have gone. I think unhappiness has a lot to do with our incessant desire to have possessions, somehow it is a quick fix, it alleviates for a while a great emptiness within our lives not only for those of us who are depressed and have  mantel health problems but everyone, most normal people feel their lives are empty and beneath the facade of our daily existence most of us sense a lack of purpose and sometimes our possessions is all we have. My son once said when I told him that materialism will not bring joy or lasting happiness: "Well maybe not but what else is there?" I think a lot of us feel that way particualry when we are depressed and we feel we have no place in society and we are not valued or we are alone and our existence seems aimless and futile.

December 24th

Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination.
Christian Nevell Bovee

It’s ridiculous! So silly I know but I can’t use the spray which I bought from a local garden centre for the purpose of spraying the mildew in the bathroom with vinegar as I have the notion that it has residues of poisonous chemicals, pesticides and other toxic chemicals used in gardening nowadays. Yes on a level of more sensible rational awareness I know this idea is ludicrous. The containers are new, they are sealed in plastic, just because they were on sale in a garden centre does not mean they will have residues of chemicals inside. They left the factory sealed no one has used them. Yet the fact that they were purchased from a garden centre feeds this strange notion, were they bought from a supermarket the thought would not have occurred to me at all. This is one of the most bizarre facets of OCD: despite the fact that your common sense tells you that your fears are not founded upon a rational or logical basis makes no difference whatsoever and the fear remains however obscured or unjustified.

December 25th

How the time has flown, it seems like only a short while ago I was sitting here in the early hours of Christmas morning 2004 writing for my journal. I cannot believe that it has been a year since I began to seriously write this journal /blog. Sometime the thought of bearing my soul for anyone to see is indeed daunting and often of late I have doubts that any of this really does anyone any good or if indeed many people actually read read any of what I write: I have only received a few e-mails from people who have visited my website and this blog in the fifteen months since it's publication to the net. However I have never written to a website owner or to an internet blog to make comments of any kind so this of course is no indication that no one is visiting my website. My blog of course hosted as it is directly from my own website and not by one of the many blog hosting services does not get included on the blog search engines as such and people only stubble on it when visiting the main website. Sometimes I get discouraged but even if few people read it and it helps just one it will be worth it and even if the one person helped is only myself than again it will be worth it. Sometimes writing, notwithstanding my obsessing  and ruminating about its content and literary accuracy, is a distraction, it is a way of focusing my mind away from some of my worries, not all of them of course, really major events in ones life cannot be mitigated in such a way but for lesser niggling anxieties and many of the irrational exaggerated OCD worries these can be lessoned - at least for a time while I am engaged in this endeavour. 

Writing a journal can give you some insight into your mind and what is actually taking place there and how the thoughts you are thinking influence your entire existence. Sometimes this can be shocking. During the many years of my life when OCD has had full rein, I have become complacent and accepting and in fact learning to live round my OCD in an ever decreasing periphery of existence, and it is not until I have actually sat down and wrote about my condtion that I realised how severe my OCD is. Yes this can seem rather negative at first glance, but unless we really fully understand the nature of our suffering we cannot take effective action against it to mitigate it. Often there are other things within our lives that effect the severity of our OCD, such as the attitudes and behaviours that enhance our depression and consequently our OCD and often these little things go unnoticed and our depression increases and along with it our OCD. Such things can be for instance, disappointments over silly things such as something not working out the way we had planned. Disappointment can often bring about an increase in depression, even a minor disappointment which for the sensitive person plays upon the mind more than for most average people. For instance I get increasing depressed if a piece of art work does not turn out right or something goes wrong with this website, silly inconsequential matters but such effect my mood from time to time.

There are countless such instances in ones life when ones mood is negatively effected by quite unimportant issues or circumstances and often these go unnoticed -at least their effects upon ones mood. There are indeed many many thought processes which effect our OCD, but often unless we actually take time to examine our lives these thoughts and concepts go unnoticed. And the best way to examine your life is to write about it. Sometimes such realisations can leave one feeling rather an hopeless case however any insight gained is often beneficial. Sometimes just writing it all down can take the edge of the powerful thoughts which OCD presents to us when it's delusional perspectives intrude making an absurdity into a possibilty. For instance many years ago I actually had the notion that veins in my wrist had disappeared ! It is often not until we tell others about such ideas that we gain an inkling into the reality of the situation. And perhaps writing can be rather like talking to someone but without the added anxiety of feeling awkward or embarrassed. I do have to admit however that writing my memoir was rather depressing and bought back memories of OCD which with time had become less and for a time the anxiety returned but this was only fleeting.

Often I sit here and there is nothing to say - at least nothing positive but that is the way my life is right now. If I intend this part of my web site to accurately reflect my condtion now, right now at this time in my life well than there is no alternative but to be negative, gloomy and rather pessimistic for this is the way I am. I will not be publishing my website today so no one will read this gloomy entry on Christmas day. However what people read and how they react is entirely an individual response. Sometimes negativity or at least telling it how it is without attempting to add a positive aspect, which for the most part right now is a struggle, helps others by making them feel that they are not alone. There is nothing worse than to feel you are alone with your problems and no one understands your pain and sometimes you want other sufferers to tell the truth about their situation. But often unless you know other sufferers personally it is not easy to find out how fellow sufferers really feel from reading their experiences in books, magazines or on the net as often when we write it can tend to be contrived to some degree no matter how we try to write from the heart. Particularly if we have OCD and worry about accuracy and are perfectionists as I tend to be. Often I get carried away in whether or not the grammar or punctuation is correct and so on rather than concentrating upon what I am trying to tell you. Moreover one can be effected by the need to not seem so negative and the tendency than is to try and embellish ones account with some positive aspect. And sometimes this can be quite a struggle as indeed it would be now as I really do feel profoundly depressed as of course is natural after losing a loved one. (Often people are surprised thinking that the loss of an in law is not significant but of course blood has little to do with how we feel about other people. I have known my brother-in-law for over thirty six years and I feel his loss keenly particualry during moments when my mind is less occupied.)

What I am trying to tell you before I get bogged down with obsessing about what I have written is that if my journal is to reflect my life now as a severe but struggling OCDer it will be negative for the most part. The need to accurately relate my life is the main reason for setting up this blog. I feel that fellow sufferers really need to know that there is some else out there for whom nothing much seems to work and who can't take medication and whose condition seems intractable. We may be the exception rather than the rule, but we are there nonetheless and we struggle with our adversity as best we can, but we need to feel that we do not struggle alone and that we are not weak and there are others like us who know where we are coming from. Of course I cannot tell you everything, we all have areas of our lives where even we do not want to go and which must remain private. Also it would be exhausting to relate to you everything and I try just to give you selected anecdotes, brief glimpse into my difficult life. Also there are feelings, thoughts and ideas that seem abstract not easy put into either the spoken or written word no matter how I try, if is difficult often to relate to you some of my feelings, my fears and anxieties or even some of my ideas and ways of coping. Formulating any written or spoken word is extremely difficult for me at he best of times but for me writing is the only way I can convey my thoughts, as limited as this medium of expression is for anyone with a social interaction difficulty such as myself, it is nonetheless the most effective medium of expression for me. Notwithstanding this less than ideal attempt at explaining to you the nature of my OCD I endeavour to do my utmost to tell you what it is like to live with OCD but sadly for the most part this will include a lot of  negativity. As I have mentioned before there are more positive features on my website but sadly for now you will not find them here.

Looking back at last years entry little has changed, still I continue to be plagued by the noise from the factory although as last year the machine has been switched off for the holidays: ten days of respite. However also like last year I can hear a noise of some sort, a fluctuating humming sound, a sound which apparently neither my son nor husband can hear. In fact little has changed since I sat here last year, my OCD continues to ruin my life along with insomnia, headaches, migraine and all the other maladies of which I have gone into detail upon numerous occasions during the last year.

December 26th

Men are not prisoners of fate, but prisoners of their own minds.
Franklin D.Roosevelt

Am I ever going to publish!  Aaaaaggghhhh I feel like screaming! This time so many thoughts crowd my mind presenting a huge obstacle of anxiety difficult to overcome, more so that usual.  I have read all these long rambling entries over and over, again and again assailed by doubts, new doubts and anxieties merging with older ones borne days ago when the entries where first  written. The more I read over them the more I am compelled to alter them fearing harm to myself or another. I have never procrastinated for such a long time. My heart is thumping and my stomach constricts and a familiar sensation rises to my throat which is often permanently constricted in a tight knot and inside I cry : "leave it until tomorrow " and thus I keep putting off publication and continue adding still more entries. This is so frustrating, I have so many things I want to write about, not all negative and not all for this blog but articles on my website often neglected due to all the ruminating and checking I have to do mostly here on this blog.

Often when I first write something it seems okay and in retrospect it is probably actually at it's best after only a couple of checks which of course would be normal, as all  written work has to be edited and checked.  But after several checks and many alterations often my writing becomes confused and lacks the spontaneity of the original as doubts cause me to edit certain information that suddenly seems inappropriate and which my OCD insists may be harmful. It most likely is not of course but as I have said in an earlier entry such logic makes little difference as I again fail to convince my weary and deluded mind otherwise. Naturally of course from time to time anyone may says something unintentionally which may cause another person pain and I know for a fact that this has occurred and I feel deeply guilty and saddened by this, but such happens unintentionally of course, particualry  when one discusses sad or unhappy matters or matters pertaining to illness and suffering.

Those of you who have read my memoir will know that indeed my full blown OCD was propitiated by a conversation at work, admittedly a very morbid and tasteless conversation which took place between a than much younger person, myself, and a very much older person. It was a very depressing and inappropriate topic and this person was most  likely off loading her own anxieties and such a conversation I would of course never engage in with anyone, but of course the details of this conversation are there in my memoir. Yes this causes me some anxiety as indeed just about anything I have written does however when I wrote my memoir such anxieties were not as prominent as they are now. But if I left out everything I thought might upset others... Well there would be nothing much left to write about would there. If we think about it, as I do when I try to talk myself out of my mind set concerning this anxiety, no matter what we write or say we may inadvertently upset another person, any word may evoke an unhappy memory or bring about an unhappy thought or bring to the fore a hidden fear or anxiety, even the most benign and bland comment can indeed cause upset as of course for the most part suffering, fear, anxiety, depression and indeed all negative states of mind may well be all a matter of perspective.  Sadly such rationale makes little difference to my anxiety in this regard and the nagging torment of doubt cause me to increasing procrastinate and if I cannot stop the rising tide of this very incapacitating problem my website will eventually suffer as a result, as indeed have most of my activities and endeavours throughout my troubled life. I must make an effort in this area if nothing else.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated.
Sutrakritanga (Jainism)

The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.
Hippocrates

Our treatment of animals will someday be considered barbarous. There cannot be perfect civilisation until man realises that the rights of every living creature are as sacred as his own.
Dr David Starr Jordan

A recent fall of snow transforms the landscape today. I would like this to be a positive entry of how my husband and I went for a walk during a recent snowfall; how we enjoyed the gentle fall of the snow; how when the sun came out our rather dull winter landscape seemed like another world and how after a energetic but relaxing walk we came home to tea and cakes. Such is the idyll in which I would like my reality to be but sadly such is not the case.

Yes we went for a walk and I do enjoy the snow and jumped up and down with some excitement when heavy fat flakes began to fall and I rushed to get my warm cloths on . However as I have said on other occasions such enjoyment is marred by my sensitivity to the suffering of other creatures, farm animals, sheep left to somehow withstand the adverse weather standing wretched and forlorn in driving snow.

Moreover our walk out is spoilt by tension, fear of an approaching walker: is there a dog with him, will it jump up, lick me, bite me even. Still I fear contamination by dogs, a walk down the local footpath and my head is forever turning round as I jump at every sound, every rustle of leaves or snap of twigs. A car pulls up near the road as we approach the river, I stare intensely peering inside. Yes stare in fear: will there be a dog inside, which when the door is opened will come bounding my way. I am sad I love all animals this aspect of OCD is just so awful.

As I walk along the main road to the river and the footpath my heart is in my mouth, thoughts come to me that the speeding traffic seemingly oblivious to the danger of speed and the safety of others in such conditions will leave the road crash into my husband and I.

I can hear gun shoots, anger rises some moron with no respect for the right to life for all creatures is hunting, big brave hero - the only animals here are rabbits, foxes and other timid creatures. My anger rises, I can see this person in the distance as another shot is fired. I seethe inside and I am beset with awful threatening thoughts aimed at this person,  no they are not unwanted OCD thoughts. My thoughts are indeed intentional as I inwardly curse this insensitive individual, not only does my anger arise for the harm such people do to animals but the noise of a gun shot is disturbing and fearing stray bullets I am tempted to make haste and leave, but no my anger erupts and I stay my ground shouting abuse which is not heard over the traffic and the distance. I just hope that some how he knows how I despise him . Normally I would say when making such an opinionated statement that I hope no one is offended but no not in this case if you are offended, and I doubt that anyone with OCD would be, well tough, I am sure the poor animal is more than offended as it lies dying, it’s life curtailed on this glorious winter's day to satisfy the perverse pleasure of this rather dubious individual who has no regard for any other creature. Moreover many people would find gun fire disturbing in this day and age of rising crime and conflict. No I make no apology for what I say.

Despite all the negativity which is an unavoidable aspect of my life right now it was a lovely day and I knew that if only, if only I did not have OCD than I would have been content indeed - or would I... I do not think that even without my OCD I would not have been disturbed by the actions of this person or persons like him and there are many in the locality in which I live, one of the nasty drawbacks of living in a rural area.

Here is a selection of photos taken on this and other days this winter.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

Snow in Durham City	Snow in Durham city
Snow in Co Durham	Browney River in the snow

There are more snow scenes on John's photography page.  and desk top wallpaper on John's Download page snow

 Please enjoy.

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Disclaimer : No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links including blogs:

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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Contact

I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.

 

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