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August 10th 2004
Today I just did not want to go out, as is so common nowadays I felt exhausted,
depressed and under a lot of pressure. Pressure which I might add is mostly self
induced as though there is an increasingly urgency to get a lot accomplished in
as short a time as possible. One of my OCD ruminations and obsessions is a
preoccupation with the passing of time and the need to find some fulfilment in
the midst of my very stressful life. I guess I am desperate to find some
happiness; to feel that I have contributed something and that my presence here
has not been totally useless and occupied with unrelenting OCD, an
incapacitating illness which for me and countless others renders the pursuit of a normal
and fulfilling life extremely
difficult. And with the passing years I feel an increasing sense of hopelessness
and frustration. In addition to OCD and other illnesses I often feel at a
disadvantage to most people whom it appears can accomplish much more in a
shorter space of time, such people it seems are more capable and more able to
accomplish complex tasks which require far more mental agility than I appear
capable.
August 20th 2004
Yesterday I received my new software which I have purchased to complete this web
site, a massive undertaking at least for me involving hours and hours of work
and both mental and physical fatigue to accomplish, but not sadly to its final
conclusion. I am hoping this new software will add the finishing touches to the
all elusive completion. I have heard descriptions describing the construction of
websites in five minutes - five minutes! Four months in the making and still I
am not able to publish, I am impatient, stressed and anxious to accomplish this
endeavour and the last thing I need is to have to go out as seems to be the case so
often nowadays and yet again today being no exception. I worry about the waste
of precious time which “speeds by on wings of lightening” as the words of the
famous hymn remind us. I feel so pressured by the passing of time, the ticking
of the clock and as a sufferer of OCD I analyse my use of time: wasted time
through depression haunts me with a sense of loss, failure and dissatisfaction,
each tick of the clock represents a step nearer to death and the pressure to
find satisfaction and inner peace becomes increasingly more desperate.
Yet I want to enjoy my life, see the beautiful scenery here and enjoy the sense
of freedom experienced in the open spaces, in the rolling hills and the gentle
ripple of the streams which meander through the rugged countryside. I love to
see the sheep grazing, to look at the pretty lambs and to walk along the
footpaths with the wind in my hair and feel some sense of relief from the
pressure of my very difficult existence. Yet I am torn, always restless, driven
by some obsession or compulsion never satisfied.
If I stay in and get on with my website I feel as though I should be out
enjoying the natural beauty of the countryside here; conversely if I go out my
mind is drawn to my preoccupation with completing my website should fate
intervene and take my life before its completion. Also I am fearful of
travelling, afraid of accidents death and disaster an unrelenting scenario that
presents without fail even when travelling sort distances and which has prayed
upon my mind now for many years spoiling trips out and holidays thus adding to
the overall misery which is my OCD..
October 22nd
Today we sorted or tried to sort out the clutter of confusion that exists in our
home. I live with my husband and son, neither of whom are well, both of whom are
experiencing depression and stress related problems. Both also have great
difficulty throwing things away or giving things away. However if we can get rid
of our possessions to someone we know or someone who will appreciate it the
sadness of the loss is mitigated But today as usual the pain of ridding myself
of my accumulating possessions is simply too much and things mostly just get
moved about. During the course of trying to organise our hobby’s room the
standing lamp gets broken. It still lies discarded in the yard but not disposed
of and every time I see it I feel that heavy sadness so common place now and
felt in any situation in which there is any kind of loss ranging from the
sublime to the ridiculous be it possessions or whatever the sense of loss is
there.
It hurts to lose ones possessions, the sense of loss is real. It is not greed
born of the materialistic desire to acquire possessions, it is something else,
something deeper as though part of you or another person associated with the
possession has gone for ever and an inner emptiness remains and I am left with
this uneasy sadness and feelings of loss. I know that to others it is ludicrous
but knowing such does not mitigate the feelings of loss and emptiness. Such is
the burden of the hoarder and clutter, at least that is my experience. I want to
have space to live but can’t get rid of my stuff without profound feelings of
sadness and regret.
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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
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with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
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All comments are welcome
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However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider
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those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.
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