After he leaves I ask my husband who this person is, a new neighbour perhaps? No to my consternation and deep embarrassment it turns out I know this person, he is the husband of the lady I referred to who also is effected by the noise. I have spoken to him upon several occasions. But I did not recognise him. I felt so embarrassed. During our trip I ruminated about what he would think: did he know I was referring to his wife, did he know I did not recognise him or worse did he think I was crazy! I went over and over again and again who said what to whom, did he make the connection, perhaps he had not really taken in what I had said after all people do not listen you know, I mean really listen. Perhaps he did not realise I was referring to his wife, perhaps he did not realise that I did not recognise him. Such incidents make my social anxieties more difficult. Sometimes when I have to go out, for instance to get in the car and I see a neighbour passing by I am not sure if to address him or her, whether to shout hello, smile, wave or ignore them. Often I err on the side of caution and wave or say hello whatever even if I do not recognise a face only to be ignored or stared at as if I am nuts.

Returning from our trip, an harrowing outing of exhaustion fatigue and anxiety on this very very hot day, as we are getting out of the car I hear the pip pip of a car horn as a red car passes by. I look directly in but do not recognise the driver so make no acknowledgment thinking that perhaps he is sounding his horn to attract the attention of someone else. My husband than tells me that this person is our neighbour right across the street! Result: more anxious rumination, the anxiety here is that people will begin to think of me as rude, unsociable or simply just odd and again for the second time in one day my social confidence is undermined. This is a problem I have had for...well as long as I can remember although it is only relatively recently I have become more aware of it as a problem rather than just a quirk or an occasional occurrence. This problem may have been the reason that I earned the reputation of being rather reclusive, standoffish or plain unsociable. Some years ago my immediate neighbour whom I managed to recognise because I saw her often ( apparently I have to see someone most days to able to recognise him or her and even than if this person is seen somewhere unexpected I may fail to recognise them even after knowing them for years!) told me that I would walk past people in my street and ignore them. Other neighbours had told her this.

Unless I see a person regularly and he or she is in context i.e. my next door neighbour being... well... next door rather than roaming about in the Yorkshire Dales or other place where I do not expect to bump into him or her I often fail to recognise this person. This condition is becoming much worse in recent years. Yesterday really bought this problem to the fore and I am ruminating, obsessing and gradually becoming quite hypochondrcal after looking up the symptoms and causes of Prosopagnosia the name given to the problem of not being able to recognise faces

Since reading extensively about autism for the reasons mentioned elsewhere on my blog I believe that I have a mild form of Prosopagnosia. In fact realising this is one of the reasons I consider that I have at the very least significant autistic traits. Prosopagnosia sometimes also known as face blindness or facial agnosia is characterised by the inability to recognise faces. In people with autism including Aspergers syndrome this inability may be one of the reasons for social impairment, it is most definitely an hindrance in social interaction. The condition of Prosopagnosia can be mild, for example an inability to recognise familiar faces, to the extreme of not recognising the difference between a face and an object or even one’s own face. I believe as I have already said the cause of my inability to recognise familiar faces is due to having autistic traits or even being on the autistic spectrum. However whilst trying to find some suitable website links to add to this entry I am now having quite an episode of hypochondria, an anxiety disorder that is more prominent in my thinking than I perhaps realise. Having read that Prosopagnosia can result from a stroke or brain tumour or other degenerative disease I am now worrying that any one of these more dire causes could be the reason that my prosopagnosia has increased.

So what is the point of all this? Well now even I am confused after all this time sitting here with a splitting headache after a huge fight with my husband propitiated by another very complex OCD issue upon which I will not elaborate. (There are so many such issues that I would be sitting here all day if I were to tell you about them all and if I where sitting here all day well these incidents would not occur would they because I would have been occupied elsewhere:  i.e. sitting here rather than in a situation which would give rise to OCD issues that effect others. Mind mumbling logic I know but that is how my brain works, complex, analytical, ruminative, obsessive-compulsive and neurotic.) I am actually wondering myself what my point is in this rather confused ramble. I guess it is to do with one of my big obsessions which my mother used to refer to as “bees in my bonnet” and involves the idea that co morbid or coexisting conditions may have an effect upon my OCD and may explain for me why my condition is intractable. I personally believe that the more co morbid conditions one has the more difficult it is to cope with or overcome the primary condition, which for me is OCD. It appears to me to be simple logic.

For instance it is often difficult for me to explain to doctor just how depressed I am. Often I cannot express verbally how deeply depressed I am, day in and day out as my heart is weighted by a despondency which I cannot convey to others. My face often has little expression, or so I have been told, except in extreme circumstances and sometimes I have been perceived as uncaring. Moreover I hesitate to cry because of headaches although I cried when my sister died and have done so on other occasions. I do have profound emotion I am highly sensitive to Suffering but that is it I guess I seem only to have empathy for those who suffer; I have no empathy for happiness, or other positive emotion and never show much enthusiasm or excitement. I am never fired up, energetic, fervourently passionate, vivacious or in anyway light hearted. I am of course inwardly passionate about social issues such as animal welfare and so on but these passions are not animated and remain internal. Anger is the only emotion that you would be able to tell I had and on occasion sadness I am told that I look haunted. My inability to express myself well except by writing and believe me that is enormously difficult also has been an hindrance to my recovery from OCD.

Depression and social anxiety have interfered with my progress. Moreover Hypochondria adds another burden of stress and the more stress in ones life the worse ones OCD becomes. Moreover conditions such as migraine and headaches and fibromyaliga add their misery to the mix and complicate still further any possibility that I could improve my OCD. I believe my OCD is intractable due to the presence of untreated and undiagnosed co morbid conditions. Moreover the various co morbid conditions effect one another for instance my social anxiety is accentuated by Prosopagnosia a condition that of course brings with it social difficulties and effects my self confidence. Prosopagnosia also effects my OCD and propitiates a ruminative episode where such embarrassing situations as those above are ruminated upon and analysed in the way typical of people with OCD.

Because of my social interaction difficulties I hesitate to seek help. Although when I finally see a therapist or counsellor I am sometimes able to talk about my difficulties in a more animated way but not in a way that really conveys the level of my depression or the precise nature of my OCD which is so complex it is virtually impossible for me to explain precisely in a verbal way. My therapist told me I express myself well. This can happen from time to time as given the opportunity to talk and, if I feel comfortable with the right person, I than proceed to appear confident and months of fears spill out but most often these are not the primary concerns and it takes a keen observer to recognise when I am covering up a more pound fear issue. For instance when I first sought help I complained only of my depression but the specialist knew that there was something more, those embarrassing religious/ scrupulosity OCD issues of which I was too embarrassed to discuss. With some therapists I am very tongue tied and responding in any helpful way is enormously difficult. Many therapists do not have the time to read pages of lengthy accounts of my OCD. I do understand why of course as the pressure on the mental health services and its practitioners is considerable but surely in the initial asessment perhaps reading such detailed accounts when the sufferer is having difficulty explaining his or her problems surely saves time in the long run.

Often throughout my life I have been told I do not appear depressed, conversely I have been told that I look miserable, haunted. My OCD is intractable right now and there has to be a reason; is that reason the presence of co morbid conditions. However many OCD suffers have co morbid conditions, the most common are GAD and hypochondria. So I do not know what to think anymore. I wish to be rid of my OCD but it is becoming increasingly more complex and I do not know where to turn anymore and tend now to muddle through with my life as best I can notwithstanding the severity of my OCD. I do need to find out if I am on the autistic spectrum which apparently includes ADD; I most certainly have ADD if nothing else. I need to know if this consideration is valid or just another bee buzzing around in my bonnet. You know I tend to hesitate using metaphors such as “bee in your bonnet” because non English speaking visitors to my website might be confused, indeed I often only understand the meaning of the most familiar of metaphors myself.

Well just lately you may think I am going crazy, perhaps it is the result of sunstroke:-) If all the above seems rather a disconnected muddle well than you would be right in your assumption. But that is what it is like for me, it is like a kind of association. I begin to write and one thing which leads to another, in theory I could write and write and write for infinity. Not that it would of course naturally make sense and you might finish up with an entirely different subject at the end. But hey! I cannot use the word infinity if there is an end:-) Infinity of course means boundless without end. The above entry began as an account concerning my difficulties with recognising faces and that was all I intended to do, was to point out this difficulty and how it was brought home to me. The subject went on to autism to hypochondria one thought leading to another and another and another. I was tempted to diverge into a ramble about hypochondria as the search for links induced this kind of anxiety. Another divergence concerned my social anxiety and my thoughts concerning the effect of co morbid disorders and than on to the different perspectives of autism and I was tempted to go on and talk about the idea that autism is related to OCD that the two are in some ways very similar and to me appear to be slightly different manifestations of the same condition perhaps as a result of the same gene cluster.

Is it normal to write this way. I guess conversations digress and one thing leads to another but generally when one is writing it is normal to stick to a general subject or theme. But I am not a professional writer. Often I can’t think of a thing to write, but as I sit here and begin writing pretty soon something will occur to me and from there... well one idea leads to another but I worry that such is discordant rambling. A lot of what I write doesn't get published, it would either cause offence - at lest that is my worry- , be boring or is plan and simply rubbish.

I have a terrible compulsion to write and write and I sit here now when all I intend to do was to read e-mail :-) Can you believe it that was all I intended to do and now fifteen paragraphs latter here I am still writing. I have set up may paint pallet and should be painting but no here I sit giving in once again to the compulsion to write. Yet it is not a compulsion in the OCD sense... or is it. I have so many ideas crowding my mind, it is overwhelming and the need to write them all down is like an awful insatiable addiction. Often I become irate if I have to turn my attention to other things. I get angry because I cannot type quick enough to express my thoughts without encountering red squiggly lines and this is frustrating. It is not an obsession like for instance contamination OCD; it is not done because I fear that harm may come to another if I do not for example wash my hands. Yet this compulsion is becoming a misery, an addiction difficult to break in order to return to some semblance of normality concerning my writing. I did not experience this while writing my memoir, nor in the beginning when I first created this website but now it is as though I feel compelled to write and these feelings are making me feel depressed and I have turned what once provided some satisfaction into a source of unhappiness or rather my OCD has for of course all this happens against my volition as does all my OCD .

After counting all the paragraphs before making the statement above I am now having problems concerning my superstitious fear of a certain unlucky number which today because of my high anxiety I cannot write down. So I have had to divide some paragraphs to avoid this number of paragraphs. Aaaaggghhhh the frustration, the misery with OCD. I want so much to throw caution to the wind and to ignore the fears, the intrusive thoughts that lead to the
obsessive-compulsive behaviours that make life hell. But there is always some reason why I simply cannot do this despite the fact that I know that such thinking is a result to my OCD.

August 2nd

If you where to visit my home in the near future you will be greeted by a notice informing you that if you wish entry to my house beyond the kitchen you will be asked to remove your shoes.

Yesterday someone entered my home without removing his shoes. This was a person who came to do a job and although I ask other visitors to remove their shoes it is not always easy to ask a repair man to remove his unless they are really covered in dirt i.e. a builder who in most cases will remove his shoes without being asked. There are a number of reasons that I do not ask repair people to do this one of them is because it appears unreasonable, however after yesterday I have changed by view.  Suffice it to say this person came in with his shoes on and after he left there was a stain on our new carpet which took some considerable effort to remove. Moreover this precipitated an OCD meltdown of spraying the carpet with carpet cleaner, scrubbing and even washing with a mop. My home now feels irretrievably dirty, tainted, contaminated. I was extremely angry as such an occurrence can have catastrophic effects not only in this one area but through out the whole range of problems which comes under the category of OCD contamination. One event can lead to other rather like a chain reaction. For instance I could now feel that the floor is contaminated and when anything falls on it I will not be able to touch whatever it is without washing my hands or I will need to wash whatever it is that has fallen no the floor if this is possible or i will thereafter avoid touching this item. This can spread still further for instance if my husband or son picks some something up off the now contaminated floor and puts it on the table I will need to either disinfect or avoid using the table. This is now it works with OCD one thing leads to another and another and so on. So your see in this way one problem like this can have a far reaching effect and can lead to severe incapacitation. I need to think of this and consider my health and well being, not the effect this simple request will have on other people who for the most part do not give a dam about me. No this is not being nasty or negative it is merely the truth people simply do not care mostly because they do not know the effect their behaviour will have but also because they simply...well.. to put it bluntly... don't give a dam. To protect myself from such trauma I need to stop this happing again. No this is not giving in to OCD it is protecting one's self until such a time arrives when or if I am in a position to challenge my OCD. Right now this is not the time so I need to do as much as I can to prevent the problem getting any worse than it is already.

Often people will not permit this in their own homes but will think nothing of tramping through yours with their shoes on. You have to be assertive, if this behaviour is likely to make your OCD worse or you simply want clean carpets because you cannot afford to replace them or whatever the reason you have the right to dictate what happens in your own home.

Some years ago I had an assessment by a psychologist who did not hesitate to agree that it was not acceptable for people to enter your home with their shoes on. He was not going to include this in the desensitisation therapy program as he personally did not enter his home with shoes on or allow others to do so.

My heart is in my throat, at least a huge lump is or rather that is what it feels like. There is an overwhelming sensation that rises from the pit of my stomach to my throat which produces feelings difficult for me to describe, it is a most powerful and consuming feeling, it feels as though my body as gone into overdrive. This sensation which I can only put down to anxiety makes me feel as though I am about to be sick, although I do not feel sick. My husband and I are driving to our nearest town. In recent months such sensations have occurred whenever I leave my home but today these sensations are particularly profound and overwhelming and as I sit here now writing after the event some half hour after retuning home these sensations are still coursing through my being.

In the back of the car on their way to the charity shop are two suitcases full of clothing that must be ten years old. All are sizes ten to twelve all are now too small. After ten years most are too old fashioned and unless my obsession with dieting returns, these cloths will never fit. (I will not call this obsession anorexia for my dieting did not get to such an extreme level, at least not for a prolonged period, although it could well have done but that is another story for another time and is in any case included in my memoir.) Also in the back are a few tins of unused paint. So why am I so anxious?

Those of you who have read my blog and other writings will know that I have trouble with discarding anything except obvious rubbish such as food scraps and junk mail. So in a way this endeavour is progress but it comes at a cost, this being these awful sensations that are paralysing, crippling and which are mostly fed by anxious thoughts although there is also an indefinable anxiety involved, a great unease boarding on fear, so powerful yet unexplainable. There are also more clearly defined anxieties such as have I left something in the cases amongst the cloths that I really need; are three any papers receipts or other important documents - although I know this is impossible but I ask my husband anyway who tells me he has thoroughly sorted it all out. I could not sort through these cases as I would never have disposed of any of the contents. But the job needs to be done these two huge cases full of cloths need to go as they take up so much room. We have a very small home and it is getting increasingly cluttered. But there is so much fear. These cases have been sitting in our kitchen for a few days, if I do not get rid of them now I never will as more and more worrying thoughts crowd my mind. Are they clean, should I wash them again? Should I make sure there is nothing that could cause harm, should I keep them maybe I will need then. You may well laugh but to my shame in my less enlightened days I bought a fur coat. I cringe now at the very thought, it was only made from scraps of rabbit fur stitched together and really cheap and I justified it as a by-product of the meat industry. Oh boy do I hate myself for my lack of awareness of this awful indulgence but this is not the point. The point is that when I became vegetarian and no longer believed it was right to kill animals for meat and most certainly not for fur I did not throw this old coat away until we moved house keeping it in case there was an ice age LOL. Silly I know and perhaps this bizarre reasoning was merely an excuse to keep something that for indefinable reasons I could not discard even though for me it reminded me of my former less aware self regarding animal cruelty and which made me feel ashamed each time I saw it.

I have mentioned before my problem with hoarding, cluttering and discarding useless items. This problem is two fold and consists of two OCD related ways of thinking. The first as already mentioned is the fear of throwing away something perceived as harmful either to others or to animals that may forage about in the tip. The second fear is less definable and consists of a general free-floating type of anxiety which yesterday bordered on fear. This problem with discarding things and collecting other things is increasing and it is becoming more of a problem for not only me but my husband son also. My son has a large portable stereo system , only part of which is usable. Yet he cannot throw it away and it sits in the cupboard under the stairs taking up space and making life difficult as indeed does all the clutter we hoard from books long read, books that will never be read because it has taken so long to get round to reading them that the original interest has been lost or books waiting to be read. Hoards of soft toys right from when Kevin was a baby and the additional collection over so many years, as we just love cuddly toys are everywhere in our home, along with all sorts of odds and ends. Mostly every ornament we have bought since we were married and of course a lot of the clutter of by sister’s and brother-in-law's which sits on a bookcase on the top of the stairs. It is too painful to discard them. It is getting difficult to throw way papers receipts, documents no longer needed, old letter because it is just too time consuming and anxiety provoking to sort through them as the fear wells up that I might accidentally throw something important away. The time and anxiety needed to check and recheck over and over all the doubting and anxiety is just formidable to contend with so they are left for another time somewhere in dim distant indefinite future, a future that may never arrive. If we moved house again all this clutter would be packed into boxes for sorting when arrive at our new home, as it was when we moved here from the southeast. And yes you guessed it for the most part things were just dumped into cupboards.

The above quotation is of course derived from Buddhist teaching. I have said much about this elsewhere in my blog but of course the casual visitor may not have read this so in brief: Buddhists believe that all suffering raises from grasping, craving and desiring, not just of material wealth but craving for and desiring anything, any condition that is different from the one we are in. For instance wanting to be well when we are ill, wanting to be more clever, better looking, more confident and yes even wanting to be free of desire. If we seek such things with craving we become unhappy and this makes any situation worse. The obvious example, craving to be well when we are ill. My headaches are a nightmare all on their own but when I become depressed when they interfere with yet another plan as they did today well the misery of the headache is enhanced by desiring that things are different. If for instance a trip out is cancelled my headache is compounded by the added disappointment. So you can see that being free from desire... is...well... I just had it in mind to say that to be free from desire was a most desirable state of being... So you see such a state is for most of us unattainable, we are constantly desiring something, even to be free from desiring is a from of desire if we fixate or crave such a condition. But in many ways it is human nature to crave for happiness and well-being but if one can free oneself from such a state at least concerning unimportant inconsequential issues perhaps we than can experience some happiness, happiness free from the taint of desire a happiness solely dependent on getting that which we desire. If we can at least do this concerning less major issues it will help to mitigate to some degree our suffering.

I know that my suffering is compounded by feelings of  disappointment over silly things that have not worked out or concerns about less important issues. If we observe our day to day life concerning minor issues often we can see that we feel better when things go right and much worse when things do not go according to plan. Again we are talking of smaller issues; no one can be happy if for instance they loose their job or their home or when their health or that of loved one is seriously compromised, but for less life shattering events being mindful of how adversely we can become effected by small issues may be helpful in improving our depression or anxiety and our unhappiness. For example yesterday I felt much better than I have done for a long time but this was due to the fact that on this day I was virtually headache free, my writing seemed to flow as did my artwork and although there was some dissatisfaction, depression and anxiety as there always is because of OCD problems, things were better. On close inspection though my more positive day was bought about because some things had gone right for a change, they were only little things the outcome of which would not be such a potential problem so crucial to the mental state of a well person as they are to some one such myself who can become more depressed over quite trivial issues.

Yes I can hear you say... “that is easier said than done” and although you have insight that your low mood is caused by a minor problem and you recognise that you are desiring something you can not have or attain does not necessarily alter you mind set. Notwithstanding such considerations you continue to feel disappointed, miserable and even profoundly depressed and you seem to have no control over such feelings arising even if you do recognise that such feelings are inappropriate to the situation. Even with such insight this does not mean you can prevent such feelings arsing or not be effected by them. Nonetheless just knowing what increases our suffering and being aware of the many subtle things that we desire and the disappointment that arises if we do not have them does in a way help to alleviate perhaps the effects of some of the less significant things in our lives that cause us to worry and which add to the misery of an already existing mental health problem.

August 10th

Am I obsessing or do I have a valid point. That is the question, a question that in all honesty I cannot answer - at least for now. The question at this time is do I have Aspergers/high functioning autism or are the autistic like behaviours which I manifest simply a result of stress or just autistic traits, traits which I believe that most OCD sufferers have as I believe there is a relationship between OCD and autism? There have been other considerations upon which I have for want of a better word obsessed or if you wish to use an expression used in autistic circles perserverated. It is not easy to know if such considerations are valid and are not merely part of my OCD. After all there are many people these days who obsess or consider that they may have Aspergers syndrome, this is particularly so with the arrival of the internet where so much information is available at ones fingertips including on-line tests. Aspergers syndrome or high functioning autism are not easy to self diagnose and reading personal experiences makes such even more difficult for all of those who have Aspergers or autism have very varying symptoms. Such doubts feed the obsession, if indeed to consider such so intensely and to spend so much time in research and consideration of this possibility could be considered an obsession. When is an obsession an obsession in the OCD sense or when is it a valid consideration. The word obsession is not necessarily a negative word it all depends on the circumstances. And that is the question, is my preoccupation that I may have Aspergers or high functioning autism a valid  serious consideration to engage my time in or is this an obsession, a bee in my bonnet as my mother would have said. I have after all been preoccupied and have ruminated upon other less likely considerations about which I will explain in another entry. OCD and autism can exist together although it seems rare; at least I have found little in the way of evidence for this. Only one website created by parents of an autistic adult with OCD and a couple of messages in news groups and the odd reference in a scant number of articles. OCD behaviours can be present as part of Aspergers and indeed other types of autism but it is only when they manifest in a very significant way is the sufferer diagnosed specifically with OCD as a separate diagnosis.

For the most part I have insight into my OCD i.e. I know that my thoughts and behaviours are part of a neuropsychiatirc disorder, it doesn’t make it any easier of course to ignore either the thoughts or the compulsions notwithstanding such insight. Mind you this has not always been the case of course, for about a year or so when my OCD became full blown and manifested as religious/ scrupulosity OCD I most certainly did not have any insight and was carried away by these most bizarre thoughts and compulsions. Religious/ scrupulosity OCD is one of the most unreal aspects of OCD that you would think would be easily recognised as a problem. Although my behaviours were bizarre I had no insight whatsoever, not once in at least a year did it even cross my mind that my behaviours and thoughts were irrational. Moreover it never occurred to me either than that other people did not behave this way. Yes if someone had asked me if other people behaved in such a way I would than have known immediately that no they did not. But this question never entered my mind and no one asked it because no one not even my husband had an inkling into what was going on. I always had an excuse for any unusual behaviours such as not eating all day and not buying cloths; I was dieting and saving money for a deposit for a house. (If you re not familiar with my religious OCD please read chapter seven of my memoir or my short story.) In comparison to my OCD contamination which came later on these thoughts and their compulsions should have been more readily open to more rational insight even it I could not improve them as a result of such insight.  I knew my life was miserable, I was depressed, anxious and fearful but it would be at least a year before I began to question the rationality of my behaviour. Mostly after recognising that I had a problem and that the problem was OCD new obsessions and compulsions when they arrived were recognised, I had insight into them as irrational. However than as now such insight did not mean that I was able to abandon my behaviours, far from it, but at least I knew that I had a problem and needed help.

However there are times now when it is difficult to have any rational insight into some of my thoughts when it is not immediately obvious that they arise from my OCD, thoughts which on the surface may appear quite normal, and know if such are part of my OCD or are valid thoughts and considerations and ruminations. Now in stead of having no insight I now question every thought, consideration, idea and every action and ask myself is this coming from my OCD or is this thought idea, action, or whatever coming from my real non aberrant self and is therefore a valid action or consideration. I often ask myself if there is indeed any rational non aberrant self remaining and such questioning in itself than becomes as obsession; the idea being the obsession and the analysis of the thoughts or actions being the compulsions, a kind of pure O with mental rather than obvious overt compulsions. Are my ruminative considerations upon such subject’s normal or part of my OCD? After all it is important is it not to recognise any co existing condition as of course these effect my OCD; If I have Aspergers/ high functioning autism this will become enmeshed and effect my OCD in just the same way as my migraine has become entwined with my OCD behaviours.

August 11th

"Recently, while going through some back issues of the OCF newsletter, it struck me that unless I was mistaken, there had never really been any special articles written about contamination problem. Perhas it's because it is so well known. On the surface, it's not a very complicated subject dirt, germs, washing-what could be simpler? Actually, when examined more closely, contamination is quite a bit more complicated than this