Links to recommended anxiety disorder blogs:

Finally my last say on the awful slaughter of baby seals, at least for a while. As I write now today more baby seals are being clubbed to death, skinned alive and shot. As many 300,000 of these vulnerable defenceless creatures will die for their fur. It is not to late to continue to sign petitions if you have not done so or to write to Stephen Harper the Canadian prime minister.

Prime Minister's Office
Right Honorable Stephen Harper
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington St. Ottawa
Ontario, Canada K1A OA2
1-613-992-4211
Fax: 613-941-6900
E-mail: pm@pm.gc.ca

HSUS Protect Seals

Here is further action you may take:

Write to the designers who use seal skin

Designers Who Use Seal Fur and Skin.

other actions you may take

Protect Seals: What You Can Do

Take Action: Together We Can Stop Canada's Cruel Seal Hunt : "Sign our pledge and tell the Canadian government that you won’t buy any Canadian seafood until the hunt is over for good"

The following is a round up of all links to on going petitions included earlier on this website:

Call on Canada's New Prime Minister to End the Seal Slaughter! Petition.

Seals – Seal Hunt: Sign the Seal Petition - Seal Hunt Campaign (CA)

SAVE THE BABY HARP SEALS! Petition

Tell Canada to Speak the Truth About the Seal Hunt Petition

Humane Society's web site

April 2nd

I have tried everything to try to get a graphic in February's blog to appear, I have tried now and again for a couple of months. It appears off-line yet when it is accessed on the net the graphic is missing. I have changed the graphic several times, changed the tables, made a new page and still this graphic will not appear although it is embedded and has been loaded to the server. Such things drive me crazy. I abhor imperfection, it irritates particularly when there is no reason why this happens except of course for the usual software glitches, it has happened before but usually after much perseverance, occasional swearing and the odd temper tantrum I have managed to succeed but no not this time or so it would seem. I may try again or perhaps I should make a stand and just let it go. However if this was a professional website and I needed this to be right for my business well than I would be justified not to wish to accept seconded best. But I don't' have a business and this is not professional website so perhaps I should let go, after all it is not vital to the content and the larger version of the graphic is accessible. Computers are after all unpredictable and one minute there is a glitch and than the next day things revert to normality. However this has been this way for a while now and I think I am simply going to have to let it go.

However it is not easy to let things go, it irritates because I can see no reason why this should happen. Perfectionism is a tendency of many OCD sufferers and indeed it can go beyond a mere tendency to become a full blown obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Often these tendencies which were at first just... well... tenancies for no reason whatsoever begin to escalate and become obsessive-compulsive. I have spent some considerable time with that graphic, like a dog worrying a bone. It has been two months since I posted that entry and every time I recall or see it, it is irritating. It is not frightening like contamination issues or checking but it is annoying to the point of becoming anxiety provoking and it does precipitate a change in mood varying from anger and frustration to depression if one allows it to proceed that far. But if one is depressed as a consequence of other circumstances one is more likely to become more depressed as a result of what in this case may be considered to be a trivial matter.

There are many missing graphics on the net for all sorts of reasons even on professional websites, I will never reach perfection on any internet activity, it is not possible and perhaps I have to accept it. In this case this graphic is not essential and as long as it is not a regular occurrence it would be better for me to leave it at least for now and do something more constructive. It is huge task keeping a website running and there are many other things which need my attention - no not all the endless checking :-) although of course that is another hindrance and one far less easy to ignore.

April 3rd.

Sri Swami Sivananda

The following link is to a new OCD website by a sufferer of OCD. www.OCDisorder.com

Here Roger shares his experiences as a sufferer of OCD and information about treatment. Many of his experiences are very similar to mine and I am certain many of you will also relate to them also.. One in particular experience Roger shares with us is one that rarely gets a mention and that is the depression that is often felt when we have given in to our OCD" ....there is a gnawing feeling of depression because I gave in to the OCD". Indeed this is so often the case is it not. OCD is a no win situation. Not only are we tormented unmercifully and persistently with our obsessions and compulsions and intrusive thoughts but if we give into them and comply with the obsessive thoughts and carryout the compulsions in order to relieve our anxiety we then find that instead the anxiety has been replaced by depression because we have once again conceded to OCD; we have allowed it to have it's own way for the umpteenth time. Although we seem helpless we regret do we not allowing OCD to rule our lives, we feel weak, powerless, hopeless against the onslaught. OCD is a terrible torment, and it is a no win situation - at least it is if one does not make a stand against this monster. There is no way that one can comply with the constant onslaught of obsessions and the compulsions borne from this crippling disorder without feeling depressed and indeed irate and frustrated. This has been the way of it all though the long years of struggling with my OCD ; if I ignore the obsessions which give rise to the compulsions I get increasingly anxious, indeed fearful. The anxiety grows, the thoughts become more powerful and eventually I give in to the dictates of the obsessions and carry out the compulsions and than I am depressed that I have done so. Most of the time I guess the compulsions come so frequently in too rapid a succession particularly hand washing that when I comply there is not the time for regrets or recriminations between these compulsions. It is mostly after some hours or even weeks that one has struggled against a compulsion that the resulting depression is indeed most profound when finally I give in to the torment. Similarly to Roger's example for me this mostly happens when I have fought against the compulsion to avoid a certain unlucky number for a while, struggling with the intrusive thoughts concerning bad luck and something awful happening to a loved one. I recall trying to desensitise myself to this fear by exposing myself to this number by leaving a book marked on a chapter at this number. Reading is the most problematic area concerning this number although it does of course arise in other circumstances. In reading I have the fear of leaving a book marked on the page or chapter of this number and the immediate proceeding and  following numbers. Well during a time when I was making a great effort to ignore my obsessions and compulsions I had left a couple of books book-marked on the chapter of this number for a few weeks. And this freed me from the bondage of my superstitious fear concerning this number.  But when my brother-in-law had an accident and needed surgery I sat up all night and read this and the following chapter and since than I have not been able to contend with this most frustrating and miserable of obsessive compulsive behaviours. And yes I was depressed and disappointed for having given in even though of course my guilt could have been mitigated by the fact that I was under a lot of pressure. My fear was that if I left these books marked on this chapter something awful may happen to my brother-in-law; because he was more vulnerable at this time I could not take the risk- at least in my mind it was a risk. Yes allowing OCD to win is depressing so you feel as though you are trapped with in this cycle of anxiety, capitulating to the torment of OCD and than becoming depressed which in turn precipitates more anxiety more OCD.

Many years ago a CPN ( clinical psychiatric nurse) asked me why I became so angry, so irritated when involved in my compulsions. He had arrived one morning when I had been in the throes of a particualry frustrating decontamination session, I was tearful agitated and feeling rather hopeless. He suggested that it would be better simply to comply calmly rather than become angry and frustrated, as was often the case than and still is, and ultimately become depressed when finally despite all of ones efforts I give in yet again. I can't recall my response now I must have felt pretty irate otherwise I would not now recall this incident after about twenty years. Although his advice was given with the best of intentions he failed to understand why I was so angry, he could not imagine just how awful it is to be compelled against your will and better judgment to carry out what you basically know to be pointless rituals and to live your life so futilely engaged in such meaningless  activities while you stand helpless as your life passes you by. And this is particualry more so if you have taken a stand only to eventually have to concede. And than after all your best efforts you find you feel depressed, dejected and a failure. Surely it is natural to carry out ones rituals with frustration, irritation and outright anger; OCD has a huge impact upon your life . Whether or not such anger and frustration does you any  good is irrelevant, it is nonetheless less a normal reaction. It is also a normal reaction to become depressed when we give into our obsessions and compulsions? It is of course not a desirable emotion but it is one which often results when we have unsuccessfully struggled to contend with our OCD. Who would not in any normal circumstance become depressed when one has tried sometimes with an almost Herculean struggle to resist, when after all that effort you have conceded to the  thoughts that make you wash  your already sore cracked hands, or prevent you from reading past a chapter in book you would love to read because of an unlucky number or compel you to pick up glass in a busy road or whatever the umpteenth thousand obsessive-compulsive behaviour happens to be. It is not ideal to become depressed because of failure of any kind but it is understandable is it not and we should not berate ourselves for this or allow others to do so. We are only human, the consequence of depression because of our perceived failure to stand against the onslaught of our OCD is yet another miserable consequence of this pervasive disorder. Often you 're told that the compulsions are carried out in order to the relieve the anxiety caused by the intrusive obsessive thoughts and non sufferers get the impression that by doing so OCDers get that sense of relief even if only momentarily before the next obsession intrudes with a new torment.. This is not the case however at least not in the sense that one feels any happier or less tormented for having given in to the compulsions the sufferer than feels depressed. However in such cases of perceived failure it might help us to feel less hopeless and filled with despair and depression if we remained ourselves of an old saying that it is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.

April 4th

We really need to get away for a few days after so miserable and sad a winter this year. But you cannot believe just how difficult it is to do so. Mind you what is not difficult when you have OCD and other maladies, your son has Aspergers syndrome, depression and anxiety and your husband is depressed withdrawn unable to cope. Perhaps you re thinking that it would be better not to go at all. But one grows so weary of missing out on life and you cannot wait for ever for the time to be just right for this may never happen. Yes we will all find if difficult but if we stay at home it will still be difficult and some problem or another either real, imagined or exaggerated will present itself, so we may as well have a change of scenery as a backdrop to our problems . We prefer to go self catering mainly because it is cheaper but sadly these days it is only marginally so but it is easier if you have OCD and you and yours all have diets not easily catered for: my husband a vegetarian, my son is a gluten free vegan and myself a vegan considering gluten free. The vegan gluten free is the most difficult of all, a real trail I might add and one I will tell you about another time. For anyone not familiar with the vast array of dietary terms a vegan is rather like vegetarian but unlike a vegetarian who will include diary products and eggs into his or her diet a vegan will eat no animals products at all. It is a difficult eating regimen particularly when you have to go out to eat, it would be very difficult indeed to stay in a guest house.

One of the biggest problems is finding some where suitable. It of course has to be spotlessly clean or at least appear so. It most certainly helps if the accommodation looks clean however as those of us who suffer with OCD contamination know that appearances do not always count as one can feel contaminated in a clean looking environment. Because this of course depends upon your perspective and what you deem contaminated; even a clean environment can become contaminated yet the outward visible appearance continues to remain clean. For example a spotlessly clean house will feel contaminated after a dog has entered even briefly. This is according to the nature of my OCD because I fear becoming infected by the rabies virus by any mammal but particularly dogs for reasons I can not really explain. After the dog has left, the house will appear exactly the same but it will feel contaminated from the perspective of the OCD sufferer such as myself who has this type of obsession. So a spotlessly clean house does not necessarily mean that there are no problems but it certainly helps. Nowhere do I feel entirely comfortable not even in my own home. There is always the strange stain: could it be blood, excrement ,something toxic; there are endless worrying scenarios which play upon the mind . It is imperative to find somewhere in which I will feel as comfortable as possible and when we find such a place we generally like to return even though of cause this can become monotonous but it is better than having a ruined holiday as was the case some years ago.

We holidayed in Wales one year in a really picturesque seaside town but the holiday was ruined because of our accommodation, which I guess by normal standards was basic but generally clean. But it looked scruffy, it look rundown, the furniture was old and the landlady owned a dog which barked frantically each and every time we approached the house. The dog's presence at that time made me feel that our accommodation was contaminated as of course the owner had contact with the dog and than went into the flats to clean between guests. I would even imagine that the dog had been inside the flats also and to make matters worse guests were allowed to bring their pets so the whole apartment was irredeemably contaminated. I stuck it our for the entire duration, not wanting to sit on the chairs and only using my own sheets on the bed stripping it of all its coverings despite the very cold weather. The place reeked of disinfectant from frantic attempts to make it feel safe but I could not cope nonetheless but my conscience would not permit me to return home. That is one thing I can always say about myself I have always tried, I have rarely given up I have sought a way through, maybe not an ideal or normal way but for the most part I have struggled within the limitations of my OCD.

This year we are having difficulty to find suitable accommodation. It is a difficult and frustrating task indeed. I have to write and ask proprietors of holiday accommodation in as diplomatic way as is possible if there is a dog or cat on the premises and if they take guests with pets. Even if the advertisement says no pets I still have to ask it this has always been the case and that I will not be confronted with the owner’s dog or cat. I can now albeit with difficulty stay in accommodation if the owner has a pet as long as I can be assured that the animal in question will be kept away. In order not to offend people by saying I have OCD and think your dog carries a virus - okay I would not be that blunt but of course that would be implied - I use the excuse of an allergy. Yes it is a lie and yes this may seem incongruous with OCD scrupulosity but scrupulosity usually only concerns actions that the sufferer personally deems as wrong, not actions perceived as wrong by general consensus. We have our own personal set of beliefs concerning what is right and wrong just like any other person. I personally believe a small lie in order not to offend people who love their dog or cat sometimes as much as I love my child is fine in fact ideal. This year however after writing to a business which rents holiday cottages I was told that the family dog had complete freedom to roam at will and they could not guarantee that I would not be confronted by the dog. I might be imagining it but reading between the lines I had the feeling that despite the allergy excuse they thought my request was unreasonable and they were offended. It mazes me how people just do not understand or have empathy for anyone or have any understanding if it means that they are inconvenienced. Nor are such people willing to make the least concession to accommodate the wishes of another.

As you know if you have read my blog, I love animals all animals and have their welfare at heart far more than the average person. Animal rights is a big issue for me and my beliefs concerning the rights of all animals to live unmolested and unharmed may appear indeed radical and extreme. Therefore these problems do not stem from any personal dislike of dogs in fact my fear of becoming contaminated by animals including dogs is one of the saddest consequence for me of my OCD. In any case concerning all my problems with dogs, it is not the dog that is to blame but rather the owner who thinks its okay to allow his or her dog to jump all over people, bark and snarl and generally have more free rein that they would give their own children. Yes I am also angry; I must admit my anxiety concerning dogs has blighted my life in a considerable way, I find it difficult to walk in the country should I be confronted by a dog. I can never relax I am always on the alert for the possible approach of a dog even in the remote Yorkshire dales where by rights because it is sheep country there should not be uncontrolled dogs unleashed. But again it is the case of people doing entirely what they please regardless of the consequences and this makes me angry.

In fact dogs have been a huge problem this week. Yesterday whilst visiting Fountains Abbey, a ruined abbey in Yorkshire my husband carelessly stood in dog mess. Yes I panicked, I freaked out, I was angry at my husband for being careless, at whoever owned the dog and simply for the unfairness of life which makes going our for what should be pleasant excursion a nightmare of misery and torment. We retuned home early. My husband had to throw away his shoes and his trousers and I had to wash every single item of clothing of both his and mine and of course shower. I will not go into details which are unpleasant and might escalate the obsessions of anyone with similar OCD issues but it was one of the worst incidences of dog mess contamination for a long while. Fortunately my husband had a spare pair of shoes in the car, at least his Tia chi slippers and he was able to change otherwise I would have felt the car also was contaminated and how I would have coped with that goodness only knows.

I do get very afraid at such times as something like this could render me severely incapacitated by OCD contamination as it did some years ago now when I could barely leave the house, when I sat only in one comer of the settee, a settee covered by sheets and did virtually nothing all day except engaged myself in washing and cleaning compulsions, fits of hysteria and profound despair. Yes my OCD is severe now, very severe according to a recent psychologist but because my husband is at home with me now some of this is mitigated, but it would not be so if this contamination had got into my home. I have to say that in general now dog owners seem more responsible concerning dog mess, many now collect it and take it home or put it into the dog waste bins now available. Although I must admit that makes me feel quite ill . Yesterday passing one such bin giving it a very wide berth I did wonder if foreign visitors who could not read English would not mistake it for a litter bin uugghhh!!!!!

April 6th

I can hear the birds sing such a soothing sound in the early morning just before dawn. It is a brief moment, a glimpse into perhaps what life could be like if I did not have OCD. There is indeed peace to be found in such moments of quiet with only the soothing sounds of nature. I cannot think of one natural sound that is offensive to my highly sensitive hearing or is stressful not even a thunderstorm or the roar of the wind. All in there way are soothing, calming and peaceful, and one can, even if only momentarily, escape from the unhappiness of life, of a mind tortured by OCD or other mental malady whenever one can enjoy the peace and serenity from such  moments however brief. But sadly it was not long before negative thoughts cloud my mind and less positive ruminations present themselves as my mind turns to avian flue now here in the UK- at least a dead swan was found on the beach of a Scottish Coastal town which had the deadly strain of this virus. Whether this means the virus is here in the UK of course remains to be seen as investigations need to verify this but for now it is a problem for me.. What if there is a dead bird in the garden, how will I cope? How will I cope with the fear if I or my husband or son stumble upon a dead bird during our walks in the countryside? It is not so much the event itself but the fear of the fear that I know will arise should these circumstance come about. It is not often you see a dead bird except for road kill but knowing my luck I am bound to see one and than it will be a nightmare of panic and anxiety thinking that I my son or husband will becoming infected by bird flue. I never used to understand quite what it meant when people spoke of the fear of the fear. But for the most part that is what it is is it not, it is the fear you experience now at the thought of the profound fear that you are likely to experience when something you have worried about comes to fruition. Yes it is of course the event itself you fear but it is more than that, one does not merely anticipate the dreaded event with anxiety but one becomes profoundly fearfully at the very thought of the fear that you know will arise as a result. An overwhelming fear and you wander how you will ever cope.

April 10th

A day out in the Cheviot hills did rather remind me of film The Day after Tomorrow,  the film about the sudden onset of an ice age as a result of climatic change. There was still snow on some of the higher hills and the wind was bitterly cold. But than this far north the weather is more inclement than the 60 miles further south where we live, the contrast is remarkable. However also here it is bitterly cold, it snowed but did not settle on Saturday and this morning  I have felt colder than I have done all winter. However notwithstanding cold weather, fears of avian flu, and the general misery of my OCD and a pervasive depression that I cannot ease or shake off we decided to go for a day out into the Cheviot Hills. The area is really wild and remote, except for a few scattered farms it is unspoiled and rarely visited even in the  height of the tourist season. In fact this mostly applies in Northumbria, it is seemingly rather  neglected by tourists both domestic and international. Why I cannot imagine for here is some of the most rugged and beautiful unspoilt scenery in the country, with rolling hills, fast flowing streams and rivers, ancient historical sites, rare animals including the only wild herd of cattle in the country and most importantly peace and quiet.

Yes of course for me personally my own peace and quiet was not easy to find; OCD adds its usual misery. Putting my foot in a puddle of muddy water sent me into a panic - at  least I hope it was just mud but who knows it is sheep country and well ...uuugghhh  I try not to think about it but rinse my foot and shoe in bottled water rubbing germicidal hand wash on my foot and shoes. Yes I carry a germicidal hand wash.  I actually rarely use it; it is rather more to give me a feeling of security should circumstances become extreme as they did today. I try not to get into the habit of using it frequently. Today it was used more than unusual though. Most often the public toilets and washing faculties here which are off the beaten track do not use drinking water for washing, over the taps there are warnings that the water is not suitable to drink. This makes me concerned as I sit and eat my sandwiches after washing my hands as I feel because the water is not safe to drink that means that my hands are not clean. A walk to a waterfall , the name of which I cannot recall, is thwarted yet again by my OCD as you have to walk through a farm and a scattering of houses.  Dogs barking I fear a confrontation with one and we turn back but in any case nowadays a round trip of three miles is a daunting prospect with my muscular aches and pains. Disappointment is inevitable but I console myself that at least I tried. To a certain degree I have to learn to keep within the extent of my limitations, after all if I was so disabled that I could not walk at all I might get depressed but would not berate myself for my short comings

There were highlights to the day that help to mitigate the difficulties which for me are inevitable and I should probably focus upon these positives rather than the negatives.

In the fields in the valleys there are so many cute new born lambs, to protect these frail creatures they are given little coats of plastic to mitigate the effects of the bitter cold. Watching them frolic jumping about full of life we are reminded of children. A crowed of tiny lambs jumps and runs full of life and excitement.  Just like a child one comes running up to us as we stood near the fence, I would swear its face was full of mischief like a child playing dare while its companions looked on.

Here are a few pictures of these lovely little lambs with there very protective mothers . Also pictures of the area. More photos can be found on John's new spring lambs web pages.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

April 11th

I did not want the bottle of over priced French dressing at £1.69  but I was compelled to buy it despite the fact I have to be very careful with money. I picked it up, I don't knew why, but you do don't you. I could see it was expensive for such a small amount, it would barely last more than a few servings.  I hate salad, hard crunchy bland like eating grass and as about as tasty, boring without a dressing. I needed something to replace salad cream and mayonnaise because becoming a vegan it is not possible to use these products because they contain eggs.  Anyway I needed to read the contents but decided I could not justify buying it at such a ridiculous price and put it back on the shelf. I knew I had not opened it or turned or unscrewed the lid yet I could not get the thought out of my mind that I had. I put it back on the shelf trying to rationalise this thought and get on with my shopping. But again the thought came that I had unscrewed the lid and the contents would than of course be spoiled and of danger to another person who might buy it. But that I knew was impossible, the seal was intact, I had not unscrewed the lid, at least my rational mind knew this but my OCD mind told me otherwise. I had however briefly touched the lid whilst checking the contents and this was enough to precipitate this bizarre intrusive thought that would not be dismissed by mere rationalisation. Basically my commonsense told me that merely touching the lid I could no way have unscrewed the cap, it was not possible, yet this thought would not go away. I just could not cope with being tortured all day by this thought and having to return to the supermarket again to buy it when I could bare the torment no longer, so I gave in and purchased the French dressing even though I did not want it and couldn't  really afford it. I felt really guilty as my shopping bill went over our budget. When shopping it is better if I touch nothing unless I intend to buy it, but this is not easy and certainly not ideal and of course not the answer to this problem and similar problems with shopping.

Shopping is a nightmare of anxiety in many ways, what with my son's food obsession and my OCD. I just hope that what happened today does not happen each and every time I touch such a product. The problem is with OCD the more you give in to it the more powerful it becomes. Like the blob in the old fifties film of the same name; the more you feed it by giving in to its taunting the bigger and bigger it grows, it feeds on your fears, it is never satisfied and it is always on the look out for new obsessions, new thoughts and ideas to torment you with and crowd out your life with compulsions; actions which you undertake against your better judgment  to quell the anxiety.

Shopping has always been problematic but in recent years now it is such a nightmare I try to avoid it whenever possible. Clothing is another area of anxiety. I cannot try on cloths as I fear I will contaminate them and  if I do not buy them and put them back on the rail I fear I will than pass on this contamination to the next person who tries them on. So if I try them on I panic and finish up having to buy them because I have the notion I have contaminated them; no matter how clean my cloths are or how many times I shower I still feel that within minutes I am contaminated again so by the time I get a shop I do not feel clean. Therefore there is no point in trying on cloths so I have to hope that they fit me and also that they do not cause problems with my hypersensitivity to rough garments and by rough I do not necessary mean in an obvious way such as wool. Cloths that are not absolutely smooth with smooth seams drive me crazy and are uncomfortable...well I have explained this before in a previous entry. Unless you wear a garment it is not easy to tell if it will irate your skin simply by feeling with your hand; I really need to try on before buying but I know this will be anxiety provoking and I will buy the garment anyway. Moreover I am not sure what size I am having put on weight over the last few years. I tend to buy cloths that are too big, way too big; because I cannot try them on and cannot risk buying something too small as this would drive me crazy, I cannot bear tight cloths. Mind you I have been this way for years and even when I was only seven stones I still bought cloths that were far too big. This morning I tried on skirt I bought in a sale, it is at least four inches too big round the waist. Sizes these days vary so much it is important to try on cloths. I cannot of course take it back and exchange it for a smaller size. I have just showered and put on clean cloths in order to try on this garment, the idea is that I will be uncontaminated and I can than change the garment if it is unsuitable. But the best laid plans of mice and men... No I still could not cope with the anxiety of having to take back this garment despite my having showered and come straight to my bedroom to try it on. I do this every time I buy something; I keep it in its bag until the next time I shower than put on clean under cloths and than try on the garments but I have never ever taken back an item of clothing to be exchanged and have had to manage somehow, always considering that no matter what I do I am still contaminated and will therefore contaminate the garment. Perhaps I have inadvertently  touched something before trying on the garment, such as a door handle or the banister whilst getting up the stairs thus contaminating my hands. The thought might come to me that I did not dry myself on a clean towel, perhaps the towel had come into contact with something deemed contaminated whilst I was drying myself, such as for instance the laundry basket, the toilet even! . Perhaps my underwear had become contaminated as a result of being laid down in an area of my home which I fear is contaminated,  this often happens particularly if my husband sorts out the washing, perhas it fell on the floor - he would not tell me if it had. There are so many reasons why I think I am contaminated far to many to include here, OCD will present some intrusive thought or idea that I have in someway contaminated the garment. I would never make it back to the shop to make the exchange without such thoughts telling me that I had contaminated the item of clothing. . I cannot cope with the thought of another person trying on a garment that I have tried on because I feel that it will have become contaminated and cause this person harm. I also have the superstitious fear that having caused harm in such a way I will than become subject to some unlucky very dire circumstance to myself or a loved one in a kind of karmic comeuppance way as punishment. Than why bother with all that rigmarole ? you might well ask... I really do not have the answer I guess it is really rather pointless as I know that I am just not going to return the garment as I will never make it to the shop without the OCD monster telling me that I  have contaminated the garment. My new skirt... well I will fold over the waistband and pin it with a safety pin.

Also indecision drives me crazy for often it appears that whatever I buy it is unsuitable and I rarely bother now and have the appearance of a rather unkempt person generally dishevelled wearing cloths far too big, sometimes un-ironed which of course reflects yet another problem of which I have explained before. Yes indeed OCD rears its ugly head in any situation and unless you do something to stop its progress it will take over your life; feasting on your fears it can devour your entire existence. Yes sometimes I do resist it and sometimes I succeed for awhile but it is an on going battle. People need to understand that you need a lot of support and encouragement often with such support you can make good progress but often such support is wanting.  In order to help gain more support for suffers by encouraging increased awareness of our situation I write of my experiences here which I know are mostly negative but that is what it is like for me now. 

April 12th

In one of the local craft shops in the Yorkshire dales are the most brilliantly detailed paintings of familiar views of the dales. It is getting increasingly rare to find someone with such talent who paints realism. The tendency is nowadays to paint abstract, surrealism and other more modern types of art. No I am not saying I do not like the aforementioned I in fact have become very appreciative of surrealist art from painters such as Salvador Dali and Frieda Kahlo and even the abstract works of Picasso have grown on me . Nonetheless there is nothing quite the same as a realistic painting, a painting that transports you to the scene, so detailed it could be a photograph yet unlike a photograph it has something different in a way difficult to describe. The kind of artwork you could look at again and again and not tire of always noticing something different admiring the talent. But alas also feeling rather envious, and sadly comparing oneself one can feel ones self esteem and confidence in ones abilities crumbling.

No this is not an OCD issue of course; comparing ourselves with others is something with which everyone contends particularly when it comes to talent, abilities and success. Yes I can become very despondent and I can easily become discouraged even depressed and give up art altogether. It is sad but such feelings are within the nature of all of us and for most people such feelings pass however when one suffers from depression and anxiety the effect of these relative subtle mood changes borne of such considerations and comparisons and the negative thoughts that occupy them can enhance the depression from which we already suffer. People with mental health problems particularly depression can easily become discouraged by such thoughts and comparisons and may not shake of the resulting despondency quite as quickly as a normal person may. When you suffer from depression or anxiety smaller anxieties and negative considerations compound and increase your existing problems making it more difficult for you to cope with and live your life despite such feelings which kill your motivation at the best of times. When you suffer from chronic depression it often means that you really have to make a supreme effort to engage yourself in such activities in the first place without such thoughts, which I have already said are normal for everyone, adding to your burden and decreasing your lack of motivation still further. Moreover if you have OCD you may have an added struggle to do something such art as you may have fears of contamination by using art materials or other less obvious thoughts and obsessive compulsive behaviours with which to contend which will decrease your motivation and your ability to engage yourself in this way still further.

There is of course no shame in harbouring such feelings however we need to be aware of them and how irrational they are. Such thoughts may not be part of OCD nonetheless such thoughts are unwanted, intrusive and detrimental and much like an obvious OCD thought can give rise to depression and or anxiety. After a time of course such thoughts pass naturally at least in my experience but if they do not at such times I remind myself of the above quotation. It is appropriate for even the most talented as there is of course always someone more so.

The important issue here is the need for people who suffer as we do to be mindful of what is happening within our minds, to be aware of what discourages us, what has happened to make our mood lower or accentuate our anxiety and depression. It might not always be something obvious such as our OCD or agoraphobia or whatever our particular torment is but it may be something such as this which has precipitated a lowering of our mood which of course in turn effects the disorder from which we suffer and how we cope with it or otherwise. We need to be mindful what makes us depressed and if possible devise some way of avoiding such or at least recognising what is happening before falling into the clutches of deeper despair. It is rather like a familiar metaphor of the final straw breaking the camel’s back - we need to be very aware of these final straws particularly at times when we are more sensitive and vulnerable. Moreover we should be aware that these straws may not present as obvious straws related to our respective disorders but more subtle less obvious straws which pile up unawares but nonetheless add to our already overloaded burden

April 14th

I rarely walk through our village. I have lived here now for nearly four years and can only say I have walked through or around the village about a dozen times. I have walked here alone only once in all that time but generally because of my OCD and the likelihood of having a migraine attack or a serious headache I do not go out alone. It is not the kind of village that you would ever need to visit even if you live here, there is only one tiny shop which sells nothing much of anything except newspapers and bare essentials and there are two pubs. There are however many walks along paths into a wood with a rippling stream. I have been here a couple of times, once when we first came and once when it snowed a couple of years ago now. It is quite simply too stressful but today I wanted to go for a walk.

Easter here in the UK it is a bank holiday we avoid going anywhere much at holiday times as I cannot cope with crowded places, the bustle of people, the pushing and shoving, people trying impatiently to get past you rubbing shoulders, the confusion of the jumbled babble of conversation, screaming crying children, barking dogs - it is not such an easy matter to avoid dogs in such crowded situations. All of this is so overwhelming and stressful that it is best avoided on such days as bank holidays when everyone is out and about, although of course it is less of problem if one goes out into the countryside, nonetheless there are more people even in the remotest places at such times. Now I hasten to add a comment or two here concerning the remark about screaming crying children: This is not a criticism about noisy uncontrolled children, it is merely an observation a comment about things in my environment to which I am sensitive and which is in the case of children a sensitivity to noise and general feelings of confusion . I understand that these days parents of young children feel victimised and singled out as they often receive so much criticism concerning boisterous, noisy or crying or children. Yes there are indeed some unruly children, there are unruly badly behaved adults for that matter. However unfortunately society seems to tar everyone with the same brush and consider that all children are this way and when people begin to hear a child’s raucous laughing or crying they begin to see this as an intrusion, as a threat even, often you can feel the irritation from others for instance in a cafe if a child suddenly screams. Society is becoming rather very Victorian in this way, the saying that children should be seen and not heard seems to be coming more acceptable as many people seem to be irritated by children nowadays and most of the time it is simply unjustified. So no this is not a criticism merely an observation of environmental factors that increase my anxiety, factors of noise to which I am hypersensitive and overwhelmed by. Besides as a child I was prescribed tranquillisers because I screamed in the street presumably because of this problem with sensory overload.

So today on Easter bank holiday we decided to remain at home but I needed a walk a break from the house. But even with my husband to accompany me it is an ordeal. We did not go far just to a field at the end of the village that has sheep and horses, these it would appear are pets for they have been here since we arrived. But the trip was one thwart with anxiety, every noise and sound was unnerving, the approach of someone behind startling. And this despite the noise of traffic which tears through the village because of a main road which passes through. But I am seemingly more sensitised to these more subtle sounds which present a treat - at least according to my perspective, a perspective borne from the thoughts generated by my OCD. It is amazing how this one small place can seem so problematic and in some ways more anxiety provoking a the trip into the city but for altogether different reasons. So many people here have dogs most of course are leashed on the pavement but a walk into the wood or neighbouring fields would be impossible for me as dogs bounding through the undergrowth and along the footpaths would be nightmare. And of course walking there would induce stress; even if there was no dog present the mere thought of the possibility is unnerving and such a walk in what would to others be a tranquil setting would be a trauma to my beleaguered mind. Again this is an example of the fear of the fear: I am afraid to walk in such places because I cannot cope with the fear of the possibility that I will be confronted by a dog. I am never entirely free of this fear no matter where I go not even in the more remote and wild places near here in the sheep farming regions of the Yorkshire Dales, the Lake district the Durham Dales and so on as it is still possible to occasionally meet up with the irresponsible person who insists on allowing their dog freedom despite notices to keep dogs leashed because of the sheep.

Sometimes I accept my limited life, and even to some extent I may not even be unaware of just how limited it is and how dysfunctional I am. But just sometimes it is overwhelming, so limiting, so anxiety provoking and depressing as one becomes aware of the restricted life one is forced to lead as all the small pleasures of life so taken for granted by most of my neighbours and people in general are denied me. The couple we pass by seem carefree holding each other’s hands oblivious to everyone except each other. Neither are peering round checking for the approach of a dog or another person who might engage them in an awkward conversation which for me is difficult at the best of times but more so in the street when in addition to trying to appear normal and make conversation one has to still keep an eye open for the approach of a dog. The pleasure of walking through my own village near to my own home appears to me like a trip to the Amazon or other area where one would expect to proceed with caution, aware of many possible dangers lurking behind every bush, on the lookout for sudden movement turning at every noise anxious fearful anticipatory. But this is a village in the UK, dangers are in reality very very remote yet my fear is profound and I take this walk with my husband for his sake and for the sake of my health as I need to exercise but there is no pleasure and I am relived when it is time to turn round and go home. But than there is the problem of meeting people, another reason both my son and I do not venture far from our door preferring the anonymity of places further away where the need to make conversation is less. As we come closer to our home the likelihood of bumping into someone we know increases.

From round the corner comes Frank fortunately without his dog which is a horrid little critter anyway it barks and snarls at everyone it sees, he does little to restrain it seemingly obvious to the fact it annoys others. But still there is anxiety my heart sinks I mutter something to my husband about no peace anywhere for anyone as we know we are trapped and I have to make conversation but about what. That is always the problem for me on such occasions and as predicted the conversation is awkward. I having difficulty with eye  contact, I  talk and look across the road, over at the fields, at the pavement. I know the other person notices but what am I to do I try eye contact but somehow it never works out it is never natural either too sustained or too fleeting, the other person than feels awkward makes some excuse and withdraws as did Frank on this accession. He usually spends some time chatting to my husband who seems more relaxed with people although his conversational skills are by no means normal, but he comes over as more friendly.

April 19th

Last night I certainly was inundated with bad thoughts but they were not unwanted. OCD sufferers just like everyone else get incensed and mad at other people. While watching the programme Real Story Special : the McCartney's and the Fur Trade, a documentary highlighting the campaign on behalf of Heather and Paul McCartney to stop the trade in fur, my feelings went far beyond anger to utter loathing and the need to express such by verbally wishing all manner of evil misfortune upon such evil people as those who brutally kill other creatures simply for their fur. Not only do they take the life of an animal but they do so in a most brutal and cruel manner for the sake of greed to finance their miserable existence by pandering to the dictates of the fashion industry. Fur seems to be a fashion statement at least it is for those who are self centred, insensitive and care little concerning the dreadful cruelty which takes place. Once there was a stigma against the wearing of the skin of a dead animal, you would never meet someone wearing such an obscenity as the skin of a creature which was savagely killed for its fur. I recall anyone one doing so being in danger of having a tin of paint thrown in his or her direction. But now seemingly greed, cruelty and vanity from both young and old have once again made fur in fashion acceptable. Anyone after seeing last nights video taken in secret who continues to wear fur is in my option worthy of contempt.

Shocking video footage showing the most appalling cruelty against animals in china was horrifying It is shocking that any animal should be so cruelty treated but the programme bought to light that some of the fur was taken from cats and dogs and the footage showed an Alsatian dog being skinned alive. Domestic animals are also bred for fur in Europe. I cannot remove these shocking images from my mind; the face of a mink in a tiny cage, cages packed with cats thrown from a lorry, an animal being pounded and battered to death. How can people be so cruel. I cannot image what goes on in the minds of such people I would rather have my crazy OCD mind than have the kind of mind that is capable of such cruelty. I am a tolerant person and have prejudice against few people but people who behalf in such way I would have no time for. I wonder what goes on in their sick minds, how they justify such evil practices, practices which are often innate, born from  the anachronistic concept that we have domain over animals, that animals are here for our benefit for our use and sadly abuse. Surely it is time we moved on from such outdated and barbaric ways of thinking and realise we share this planet with millions of other species who are not here for our benefit and will be here long after we have destroyed each other and the environment

One of the areas of concerns was that it is not always easy to tell the difference between real fur and artificial fur. Fur in some cases is sold cheaply and many people think they 're buying fake fur when in fact they 're buying the real thing. A market stall holder was interviewed and he was selling a fur trimmed item that he assumed was fake fur, he said that people wanted to know before purchasing.  However after tests were carried out the fur trim was in fact found to be real. It is best to avoid buying fur of any kind as these is no obligation upon manufacturers to label their garments accordingly. Fur is so realistic nowadays that I personally will not wear it as it promotes the fashion for the real thing.

The following website has more information

Warning: You will find some of these images very disturbing! Some of these images may trigger intrusive imagery which some people with OCD might find difficult to cope with.

Some of the graphics you may find disturbing  much of the video footage towards the end is far more explicit that that shown on  last night's programme,  today I can not  rid my mind of these images of horrendous barbaric cruelty. I could not in fact finish watching this video I feel as though I could cry and never stop I am so ashamed to be a member of a species which perpetrates such cruelty. We claim to be the most intelligent animal on the planet and because of this we elevate ourselves above other creatures yet no other animal is responsible for such cruelty. Such cruelty has to be stopped.

April 20th

I have not given my entries titles as is customary to do for internet blogs, this is partly because it is not always easy to think of a suitable title for every entry and trying to do so would delay the publication of entries still further. Today however for this entry a suitable title might be: Time for a Real Good ole Moan. Which sadly was the case as my husband son and I went for a days outing to the city of York. Now if you have any kind of disability and are unable to work or are a low wage earner visiting the city of York will be undertaken very infrequency indeed.

Unless you can Park and Ride you will be charged £7 to park your car for five hours unless you have a disabled pass than it is free. However if you like me are unlikely to be considered for a disabled pass because your disability is not obvious you will have to pay this enormous fee to park your car in car parks within a short walking distance from the city centre, there are no concessions. I cannot park and ride, which is in any case only marginally cheaper for three people, because I need to know that I can quickly get back to our car should I succumb to a severe headache or migraine; I could not cope with possible delays in trying to catch a Park and Ride bus to get to the car park designated for this purpose. For those not familiar with this new innovation in many cites, Park and Ride it is an attempt to keep traffic from city centres. The idea is that you park your car free in a car park on the outskirts of the city and than take the special bus in to the city centre for which there is usually a charge, the incentive to do this is because it is supposedly relatively cheaper for one or two people. To increase this incentive still further car parking fees in the car parks near the city centre are extraordinarily expensive.

This is only the first of many obstacles, it is the first exorbitantly overpriced obstacle to your enjoyment of a visit to the many interesting and historical places in the ancient city of York. Another is the scarcity of public toilets, clean hygienic public toilets, any public toilets! After having paid so much money to park your car, £9.50 for all day, you are than confronted by a toilet that when we visited had not been cleaned although it was 11am, it had still not been cleaned when we returned later in the day. Furthermore there was no soap, no toilet paper and the drip of water from the push button taps tricked with a frustrating slowness, a slowness impossible for any one to even get the soap off their hands if indeed there had been any soap. The whole place was run down and it appeared that it had not been cleaned for a while. In the city centre there is a cleaner better faculty which make a small charge and that is it as far as I am aware at least on the route which we follow. Few of the shops in the city centre provide customer toilets, a necessity I think it is time shops considered including in their customer services. Consider: there ten to twenty percent of people who have irritable bowel syndrome IBS, other condtions including crohn's disease and colitis may necessitate the need to use the toilet regularly and quickly. Such illnesses are becoming increasingly more prevalent in society. That is a lot of potential customers to lose if your perspective purchaser has to search round the city to find a toilet often not bothering to return to make a purchase or to continue his or her browse around the store. This has happened to me upon many occasions and yes in huge department stores. As a chronic suffer of IBS and irritable bladder both presumably a result of my anxious disposition it has occurred to me at certain times and in certain circumstances that there may come a time when I will not be able to leave the house because of the lack of clean hygienic and indeed any public toilet faculties. Here in the north East there are many towns that have no public toilets and these include Consett, Chester-le- Street, and Lanchester to name just a few. I never visit any of these towns. 

On our trip through the city and the stores we visited only one shop had customer toilet facilities and you had to ask for the key, although understandable because of vandalism it is an embarrassment in the first instance and certainly in the second, or even the third instance if you have a medical condition such as IBS. As this is book shop a customer may be browsing for along time and the necessity to ask for a key each time is off putting Not to mention the loud music. I could not believe it, loud music in a book shop a shop which sells quite serious and academic books. There was in fact quite significantly intrusive music in some unlikely shops.

There are many tourist attractions in the city of York which we would have liked to have visited. But all made a huge charge, York museum £5.50. It was £6.50 for York Castle museum. There are concessions but these are minimal, approximately £1 in reduction. For the cathedral there is a charge of about £5. There used to be an half hour or so at about five thirty when admission was free, but now this is no longer the case. Yes it is understandable to some degree as it costs I believe £10,000 per each day to maintain this ancient Cathedral, there are no government subsides nowadays, but does the cost have to be quite so high surely more people would visit if the cost was more reasonable. Despite all such seemingly reasonable justifications it puts visits to such places of interest out of the reach of many people, there are many including ourselves who simply cannot afford these informative, educational and interesting excursions. If you count the coast of an average day out for a family of for example two parents and two children the coast of such a trip is approximately £50 if you visited the places mentioned above including an all day ticket in the car park. There are many other attractions and some cost considerably more.

We did nothing much other than browse in the shops including a pleasant walk through the shambles, a medieval section of the city cluttered with interesting and unusual shops. The gallery is free and that was that, there is no time for a leisurely cup of coffee, a walk down by the river when you can only afford a five hour ticket.

Yes I do have a reputation of being a complainer but just lately there seems so much to complain about when for the most part unless you are well and earning a good wage you are becoming increasing exempt from such pastimes and opportunities for such educational, historical or cultural interests. At one time museums were free and this is still the case in certain areas but not everywhere and often there is an increasingly more unrealistic charge and people who are disabled or indeed anyone on a low income begin to feel more and more excluded.

Notwithstanding the above York is definitely a fascinating city to visit with walks along the river and along the old city walls but you do need to be aware of the cost and if possible plan your trip accordingly.

April 21st

Conversations rarely go as one anticipates that is of course if you are like me and have social anxiety/ interaction difficulties and in fact try to anticipate how the conversation will go. I have a friend with whom I need to discuss what may well be an awkward matter, at least it could turn out that way, unless I prepare properly it could go disastrously wrong and if this happens I will become anxious and depressed that I have said the wrong thing, I fear the possibilty of a  misunderstanding should this person get the idea that I am being unpleasant. The problem is of course that conversations do not go to plan mainly because it is very rare indeed that the person with whom you are speaking will allow you to finish what you ‘re saying without interruption. At times when it is vital for me to talk uninterrupted this can be disastrous; at such times I prepare a planned conversation, a script if you like, not just mentally in my head but if the conversation is to take place on the telephone, my least tolerated means of communication, I will write down what I intend to say first and refer to this or even read it out word for word. However of course if the conversation becomes unpredictable I am left floundering, uncertain without my script or the variations which I have prepared with often are not appropriate if something unexpected comes into the conversation.

In most cases when I need to speak to someone about a specific matter I need to have a script; I have to have an idea what I will say rehearsing this many times. This also occurs for less formal or important matters; whenever a visitor comes I will at least plan a basic list for conversation ideas. Only if I know the person very well will I not bother to do this but even so I will have considered a few ideas prior to such conversations.

If the scenario does not go according to plan I become tongue-tied awkward. Conversely however if I know what I am talking about or the subject is something about which I have a passion or a keen interest for instance, politics, philosophy, religion, animals rights issues which if you think about all can be combined and interwoven I can go on and on getting increasingly more excited and to some people aggressive even though this of course is rarely my intention, it is not my fault if people mistake my heated passion for aggression but I have to be mindful of this tendency. But small talk... no way or impromptu conversations when I have made no preparation, for instance a telephone call, can leave me floundering, muttering, stammering and completely dumb in some instances. But as the years go by one learns scripts and if these can be applied conversation at least initially is much easier.

I cannot interact socially on command I have to be prepared. Real time spontaneity is generally speaking impossible. I have no social fluidity, everything is planned if not my conversation is awkward. Sometimes I even borrow phrases from others in order to get my point across observing how others describe things and how they behave and interact in social settings. It could be said that I am accomplished in the observation of the social skills of others having been mindful for so long how other people behave in various social settings and it is because of this that I tend to notice how false soap operas are, how contrived and unlike real conversation most of the scripts are for such programmes Moreover I notice when others have a script; I can tell that it has been learned and that the person has been coached or like me they have learned and researched what to say in certain instances. Someone of whom I am vaguely acquitted telephones me with some tale of woe or another from time to time although I have not seen this person since coming to live in the northeast. We met when I was in the hospital for my OCD so I know that she too has a mental health problem. About this problem and other matters she is interested in she can talk quite fluently because what she is saying is important to her and is of interest but as soon as she switches over to her learned repertoire I can tell instantly that she is doing this, particularly when she is asking how I am I can tell that her conversation is contrived as it is easy to tell she has suddenly thought that she should add this socially expected comment. My sister also was like this with most people except those to whom she could relate naturally which was sadly very few other people. I recall her talking to a neighbour in the street; her whole demeanour was a performance of a well rehearsed script, her response and reactions to what the other person was saying was an act. I do not think the other person was aware of this but because I do the same and also observe the conversations of others in order to improve my social skills I was keenly aware of what was happening in this instance but of course I cannot be absolutely sure. There are situations where both she had I seemed to naturally fit in and this was the case for my sister towards the end of her life when she moved into the apartments which were to be her last home. Here my sister just seemed to fit in and was part of a group and she even ran sewing classes  in the communal lounge for residents who were interested in patchwork, which incidentally was a remarkable achievement for someone so socially withdrawn. There was a couple of exceptions of course,  - isn't there always, a couple of grumpy types who objected to these classes in the lounge, there is always someone who spoils a good friendly easy going group of people is there not. Such people make life even more difficult than it is already for people like my sister and I and it is in such circumstances when polite rehearsed responses go out of the window and arguments and angry exchanges take place. Both Lynda and I had severe and incapacitating social interaction problems for most of our lives and it left us often isolated, different, for indeed most people are immediately aware of such difficulties although the reasons for such may not be apparent and you are thought to be unsociable and unfriendly.

Part of the problem concerns processing speed; the speed at which we process what the other person is saying to us and trying to find an appropriate response. When the response has to be an impromptu response the processing time is much slower, noticeably slower and often you cannot respond at all before the other person moves on, becomes impatient or awkward or embarrassed by the gap in the conversation. If however you have a learned repertoire of responses and you are lucky to find an appropriate one the processing time is speeded up, the more you use these responses and the more you rehearse them the more quickly they come to mind in appropriate circumstances. It is rather like when you have accessed a page on a website, it initially takes a long time to download but if you access it again a little later on it appears on the screen almost immediately, the processing time having been cut down. Yes I know that this is because the website has download a cookie so this is just an analogy. It appears that the processing time has been reduced because the computer processor has become more adept through “practice“ at least that is the way it appears. Please remember this is simply an analogy. It is rather like that with conversation; the well practised response loads up quicker as all such practiced and well used processes do within the brain, however the processing and load up time for new information and responses is slower as there is nothing to refer to as there are no cookies/ scripts. This is why improvisation is difficult for people such as myself. One cannot rehearse conversation to allow for every deviation or contingency for this is in itself amy well become obsessive-compulsive as I am actually becoming aware of now. You know I had not thought of it quite this way but for someone with OCD such analysis and observations of conversations and such like could well turn into an obsessive-compulsive behaviour and than instead of observing conversion for the enhancement of your social skill you could actually end up analysing every conversation and missing out or not appreciating what is being said, and yes it could become obsessive-compulsive if one begins to do this every time ones hears a conversation in real time or is watching a film or TV programme. In fact for me right now I an often so intent upon trying to access a suitable script for a response or trying to make one up in order to respond that often I actually miss what the person is trying to tell me or by the time I have accessed a suitable response the conversation has moved on and than I am embarrassed when there is a gap and I than make the response which by that time seems to the other person very delayed, delayed enough to be odd. My sister pointed out to me this tenancy years ago, now I am aware of this but than such awareness does nothing other than to make me feel self conscious. Add all this up and I find social interaction very unnatural except with those to whom I am very close such as my son and husband. There is however the occasional person with whom I seem to click and with whom for the most part conversation is more fluid, more natural, but such people in my life have been rare indeed.

Conversations however rarely go to plan apart from the initial opening statements for indeed for me this is what they are statements well prepared in advance or learnt and well practiced repertoires that have become so well rehearsed that sometimes at least initially I come over as a normal person perhaps even one who is confident. However there are occasions when the scripts are so well learned that my quick response can seem glib and indeed impatient, particularly in situations when the person to whom I am speaking is equally socially challenged and fumbling for words. Such was the case yesterday in the supermarket with a  former Tai Chi acquaintance. Robert had left the Tai Chi group long before we did, we had not seen him for months, the conversation was strained. I would have probably just said hello and carried on walking, not because I do not wish to be sociable but simply because it is so anxiety provoking, but my husband stopped to chat. Robert like me was noticeably awkward, lacking eye contact, with stammered conversation with long gaps between when no one knew what to say. We all stood there no one really knowing what to say or how to close the conversation. The topic of Tai chi lessons at a different venue came up and I saw this as an opportunity to close the conversation by saying perhaps we will see you there and it has been nice to see you. It did however on reflection seem rather abrupt and it was learned response one I use obviously with adaptations quite often to break away from an impromptu conversation and I did feel that the response was so glib and automatic that I appeared impatient and I did feel rather guilty afterwards. Sometimes I think that I will never be at ease with most people with whom I associate and some how I have to learn to accept myself the way I am.  

April 22nd

Today there is a conference in Newcastle for OCD-UK I would have very much liked to have attended but somehow it just did not work out. By the time I had sorted out my membership and the way time progresses so fast without you having noticed its passage it was too late. But perhaps this is for the best as the sensory overload would have been a nightmare. This morning I woke with a migraine having had a disturbed night; we had a power cut in the night. I have always been afraid of the dark right form early on in childhood and nothing much has changed in this respect in adulthood and rapidly approaching old age and somehow I automatically woke up. Such disturbances are likely to increase my chances of getting a migraine or significantly bad headache. I guess today I have both a tension headache and a migraine for after taking my migraine medication I still have a significant tension headache so it was probably a good thing that I did not manage to make arrangements to go to this conference. Nonetheless I am disappointed. Sometimes I feel as though it is impossible for me to be apart of anything even a meeting with fellow OCDers. It would have been an ordeal with my social interaction / social anxiety problems; not everyone with OCD has such problems this is not a symptom of OCD. I had considered going for months and yes if I had made a huge effort perhaps I could have gone but quite frankly I am beginning to feel more hopelessly depressed and I lacked the motivation to do so.

I think that getting older is playing a role in the decline of my mood. I look in the mirror and the face of an old women stares back, a women who has aged faster than one would expect probably due to years of anxiety, for nothing ages ones face more rapidly than chronic misery and a perpetually negative outlook. Ones face becomes set in an unhappy expression which becomes accentuated by the aging process as lines, wrinkles and sagging appear to align themselves with ones chronic depressed demeanour. This of course increases my depression and brings about a sense of hopelessness. This is how I feel right now here as I write I am on the verge of tears after looking at my aging face, the sagging crinkly skin knowing that really my life will never improve. I have always had a degree of what I assume to be BDD (body dimorphic disorder) although the symptomatic criteria for BDD does not quite fit my situation.  With the approach of old age such anxieties about my appearance seem more justified and anxiety that I am ugly becomes more enhanced and I feel increasingly less inclined to want to go out as my confidence becomes increasingly diminished. This is particularly a burden for someone with social anxiety issues and it is part of the reason I did not wish to go to the conference. I know that most people accept old age more gracefully. I believe most people lament the decline of their looks and feel somewhat anxious about the approach of their old age but it is not perhaps a normal reaction to be quite so distressed or to feel so ugly. Yet to some extent I have had this reaction to my appearance and have feared being old since as long as I can remember. I recall looking into the mirror at the age of only sixteen and seeing lines and wrinkles and thinking I was getting old - yes I really thought I could see wrinkles under my eyes and around my mouth. I went out and brought some anti-wrinkle cream; my face broke out in spots the cream was too oily for a young skin, a skin type for which it was not intended. I nonetheless used this cream or similar for years until it became obvious that nothing was ever going to make any difference. After giving birth to my still born daughter Pauline my face seemed to age overnight. I recall looking in the mirror to found my jowls had sagged at only 39! I was shocked horrified maybe it was the trauma of this recent tragic event but I had literally aged overnight. Since that time my self confidence regarding my appearance has taken a turn for the worst and I am coping less and less with what I perceive as rapid aging. I compare myself to others of similar age or older looking at their jaw line noticing that few have the sagging that I have. Perhaps this is borne of the long years of unhappiness, a hound dog expression a typical caricature of unhappiness. But I have always been so self conscious and also fearful of getting old. I recall crying my heart out at only 32 as after again looking into mirror I noticed wrinkles as though they had suddenly appeared. This of course was a kind of delusion or at a least an exaggerated way of thinking bought about no doubt because of my preoccupation with aging. Looking back now at photographs of me then I cannot image why I thought this way and now I would love to be 32 and have another chance to make more of my life and to appreciate being young when I was young for indeed 32 is young and hey!16 is young but I whined and moaned and obsessed and felt old way back than. However if I had my time again I doubt I would be able to approach my OCD any differently for it I could change I would do so now and salvage what is left of my life.

No I am not saying that I have conceded utter defeat and each day I try my best to accomplish whatever I can within my limitations. Yes I sink often into the mire of depression, apathy and hopelessness nevertheless sometimes, depending upon the circumstances of course I make some effort to dispel such depressive malaise and today concerning this present depressing preoccupation about aging and the way I look I try to tidy up my hair. Ones hair makes so much difference to ones appearance and after I have styled it to give it as much volume as I can it does look better. I am at a disadvantage with my hair as I seem to have a problem with falling hair which again may be due to my anxiety and this of course does much to damage my self confidence. However often I am simply unable to get it together to style it. Yes I can set up and run a website but find it difficult to style my hair but both of these actives are entirely different and the obstacles of depression apathy and of course obsessive-compulsive behaviours present in an entirely different way within each of these very different activities and it should not be presumed with people such as myself that the simplest activity is the easiest to cope with. And besides it is not always due to obvious reasons such as my OCD that I have let my appearance go, it is also as a consequence that I now consider other things more important such as this website and my artwork. There is a very limited amount of time available to me during the day because of a number of things such as headaches, and of course my OCD rituals take time; washing ones hands between doing this or that takes time, checking rituals take time for instance I will check this entry so many many times, so many negative things crowd my life everything takes longer . Moreover I tend to be slower than the average person for reasons difficult to define, this may be partly due to OCD and ADD or simply just being a slow learner. Everything takes me a considerable time to learn far longer than for the average person, it always as. Most days I wash my hair and that is it sometimes I do not even comb it running my fingers through my hair I can’t find my coomb I am so disorganised. Yet as a result of this neglect I enhance my preoccupation about my appearance and more recently I have become quite depressed because of the way I look.

Continually glancing into a mirror an observer may take me for a vain person, however such is not the case. My present mirror checking even whilst in the car is borne from anxieties that I look ugly and that people stare because there is something odd about me. Peering into the mirror persistently or conversely removing mirrors are common symptoms of BDD. For a time I removed all full length mirrors from my home, I did not wish to see how much weight I have put on for I could not bear to see my more full reflection and even now I avoid a full length mirror and there is not one in my bedroom. However peering at my face in a mirror is habitual each and every time I go into the bathroom. I critically observe all its faults how my face has aged and it is depressing and how I can come to terms with this is difficult to image having always had  the tendency to be hypercritical of my looks. In the last ten years or so I refuse to have my photograph taken and get really very angry if someone does this, so you will find no photographs of me on my website.  I used to think I should set aside money for surgery but I could never afford this and a more anxiety inducing phobia of hospital and medical procedures has kept me from taking this more extreme course. Therefore one may consider that relatively speaking my BDD is mild but nonetheless it adds to my lack of confidence and feeds my depression. I use the term BDD but as I have already mentioned above my symptoms do not quite fit the criteria for a diagnosis as mostly BDD presents in teenagers and younger people- at least according to the diagnostic criteria. But do not teenagers grow up and surely if BDD is not treated you will have an adult who will suffer in this way. The fact that I thought I was old and wrinkled at sixteen may not be a classic symptom but it is nonetheless an unnatural preoccupation with ones body and at sixteen a particularly delusional one at that and one that is of course likely to become more serious as I got increasing older which is the case now. This is not my main problem and indeed it is offset by more severe manifestations of OCD and other maladies but it is nonetheless a problem and like all co morbid or co existing problems it does add fuel to the fire of my neurosis and it has an effect upon both my OCD, my social anxiety, self esteem and my depression.

The following links provide further information about BDD:

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

About Body Dysmorphic Disorder, BDD, Eating Disorders

Ethan Frome

April 23rd

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday living. 
Picasso

Whilst surfing the net I came across the following website:
Art As a Healing Force  I thought that you might find this interesting as creativity seems to go hand in hand with those of us with mental health problems. People who suffer from mental health issues seem to possess some artistic creative ability or other talent. But can art and creativity help us heal? Some people think that it can.

To read the rest of this article and much more visit the web site above

Maybe you have not found your own particular ability but you have to experiment. I recall a conversation with a lady who knew me very well, she knew of my OCD and we shared many confidences and had many meaningful conversations, one of these concerned art and creativity. She said that she did not feel that she was at all artistic, we were discussing the incredible art of Michael Angelo and the subject of sculpture and she exclaimed that she could not possibly sculpture even the crudest rendition. How do you know I asked, have you ever tired? She was irritated somewhat irate that I should seriously pose this question and dismissed the matter entirely, but the fact remains: How do you know you cannot be creative in any medium unless you have tried?

Consider the points made on this page including the above website:

 Healing ourselves with art.

April 25th

An e-mail pal sent to me a link to an OCD sufferer's website: Surviving my thoughts and I would now like to recommend this website to you.  David is a suffer of OCD and depression and writes about both of these condtions so well. Often depression in OCD sufferers is overlooked but depression is a an important factor whether it exists because of our OCD or exists as a co morbid /co existing condtion. David tells us of his experiences with both of these conditions to which most of you who visit this website will relate. I find that the websites of sufferers are of more help in ways that are not present in the websites of mental health professionals. Although they may know what OCD is like in theory, there is usually no personal experience. And sometimes sufferers feel much benefit from sharing the personal experiences of fellow sufferers. This website is not only about symptoms but also about what has helped David cope with  this very incapacitating disorder.

www.survivingmythoughts.com/home.html

April 26th

Worry worry worry that's all I seem to do nowadays. If I look back upon this day or any other day and consider what has passed in my mind I without doubt will tell you that my thoughts have been preoccupied with one worry after another. It might be an OCD type worry; an intrusive thought that my hands are contaminated, my cloths are not clean, I need to shower again, I need to check my writing.... It also might be a thought which is a long and protracted, more like a rumination, my mind going over and over a worrying scenario rather like a loop tape; once the rumination is completed it begins again and again. However unlike a loop tape more and more information is added, more and more anxiety provoking ideas present for consideration while my mind tries to mitigate it with mounting desperation borne of the subsequent anxiety of the fearful and the often irrational nature of these presentations.

The phone rings I answer the call, it is for my son he is not at home. I hesitate not knowing what to say, the person asks me questions and chats. I have met this person she knows Kevin is depressed and I tell her he is but I worry that perhaps I should not have said this. I close the call quickly with one of my learned responses for such occasions and worry that I was too glib, too abrupt . Again and again I go over and over the conversation wishing I had said this or that. And so it goes on and on a never ending stream of doubts and worry. Like a dog worrying over a bone gnawing away going over and over and over until some other newer more anxiety provoking thought takes it's place. Which as soon as I go into the kitchen in the next moment or so it invariably will as OCD contamination thoughts flood in as they of course do when I am presented with cooking a meal. But such thoughts now are more fleeting, they ‘re so ingrained, so habitual that the compulsions now obey only the merest hint of a thought to wash my hands whilst the ruminative worrying will continue unabated amidst these fleeting more common place thoughts. I am now plagued in fact by two or even more obsessive-compulsive types of thinking and the consequent behaviours of both mental and physical compulsions as I frantically wash my hands, the crockery cutlery and all the other anti contagion rituals amidst the covert pure obsessing type of mental compulsions as I continue to worry over who said what to whom during this phone call. And whilst so engaged I hear my husband in the yard hacking at bricks breaking up pieces for the bottom of a plant pot. I worry should bits fly into his eyes and shout for him to take care, he does not hear or respond and again the thought comes, and again and again and I become increasingly anxious. I hear now the shrill sound of the electric drill I fear he will be electrocuted! I get angry at always being so afraid, I get angry because of the worries and the fear and the feeling I have to keep a constant eye on him should he come to harm and all the while the ruminative thoughts about that conversation continues somewhere in the background struggling to find a slot between the constant stream of worrying thoughts which vie for space in my crowded mind. More often than not such protracted ruminations are about more depressing morbid issues: the passing of time, my advancing age and the inevitability of death.

Such compulsive worrying may also present as more like a general anxiety worry; a worry which might appear as a more realistic worry or as perhaps even a genuine concern but one that is greatly exaggerated and distorted to huge proportion. A grinding worry that has its basis in reality and cannot be dismissed by the application of logic but is nonetheless grossly enhanced and perpetuated by these compulsive tenancies which arise against ones volition and which are difficult to thwart. It is the kind of worry that lurks in the background as one goes about ones everyday life, gnawing away at your mind, bearing down upon your heart perpetuating the misery no matter how hard you endeavour to dismiss it from your mind. Visual images may intrude upon the mind’s eye rendering a dream-like vision complete with background foreground and participants playing out the worrying scenarios like actors on a stage playing a part, with the difference that such thoughts and there accompanying scenarios are the fearful warped role-playing of events or situations that we dread and fear. .

Worries about the future present again and again, they greet you each morning and haunt you throughout sleepless nights, presenting when the mind is less occupied and more vulnerable with mental videos providing imagery of our perceived fears either of real or imaginary events. It may be anything from an anxiously anticipated trip to the doctor to such events as growing old, being ill, dying; any kind of forthcoming dread may present itself whether real, imagined or greatly exaggerated. It might even be something once looked forward to such as a trip out but now spoiled by fear and anxieties for all manner of reasons; what was once perceived as a positive occurrence; exciting and eagerly anticipated become suddenly one of dread as the mind perverts almost any situation into one of anxiety with all manner of negative scenarios.

Guilt and anxiety about the past and the present add feelings of regret to our lives as past thoughts of what might have been torment the already beleaguered mind, a mind weary of so much torment. Regret for our wasted lives fills us with despair yet such regrets fail to alleviate the present worrying that is taking away your remaining chances for happiness.

Past tragedies and unhappiness present their ever persistent scenarios and once again a video of a tragedy plays before the mind’s eye and I find myself once again in hospital reliving the tragedy of the loss of my still born baby or once again I am by my sister side as she lies in intensive care or again at my brother-in-law's side as the same tragedy presents itself and even before one is aware what is happening so much as passed through the mind and left one once again saddened by circumstances as all the feelings of sadness, anger and guilt return.

It is no exaggeration to say that for most if not all the time my mind is never at rest as these thoughts present time and time again. Such thoughts are there at least in imagery no matter what one is engaged in or how intensively one is occupied. Even if one is watching TV the mental images are there in the minds eye like an hazy overprint. Sometimes these mental pictures present with more pronounced intensity particularly frightening or offensive images. Sometime I do not notice or perhaps it is better to say that I take it for granted that such images arise and I have grown accustomed to their presence. I would imagine that everyone has such mental imagery in the mind’s eye and I guess this is normal, however if the mental imagery is depressing, frightening, offensive or takes you back to unhappy events it can become a problem and is for many people with OCD who are tormented by mental imagery of a particularly disturbing nature. Now having mentioned my sister as I write to you before my minds eye now these images of tragedy unfold, images which present now and play before my minds eye no matter what I am doing or what I am looking at and they will remain there until other images take their place. No worrying images are not presented constantly and more neutral images flicker before my minds eye, fragments of memories both immediate or past . But a sudden reminder or any precipitating factor and such worrying, distressing, frightening or objectionable images are there yet again and often they run their course before we are even aware what is happening and than we are left with the fear, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, anger, sadness or disgust depending on the images in question and the significance they have for us. Naturally flashbacks of unhappy events occur to the normal person also and to some extent this is natural particularly after a sad, frightening or tragic experience. It would be difficult for me of course to say if people with anxiety disorders, and particularly OCD which of course is all about intrusive thoughts and images, may suffer these flashbacks more frequently or more intensively. In severe cases of course a person experiencing such may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder

This is what it is like to have OCD, to be an habitual worrier to feel that one has no control over ones thoughts and that no matter where one is there are the thoughts also. Yes one can try and contend with such thoughts and sometimes there may be some brief respite but for the chronic sufferer it is a monumental struggl