The following is a selection of  positive and encouraging e-mails  that Annette a suffer of OCD has written to me since I created this website. I felt that such good advice and therapeutic ideas would be helpful for other sufferers and Annette has kindly agreed for me to share with you her insight by including some of this correspondence in the self help section.

Annette has given her consent to publish the e-mail correspondence below, please be assured that I do not publish anyone's e-mail to me without his or her permission. 

Christine,

I read your entire memoir in a few days. It's amazing the patterns of your life is identical to mine in most areas. This is me, this is me, this is me, I kept repeating. It's as though I have known you all my life, Christine, I think that your mother had AS ( Asperger Syndrome). She could not help herself, it seems, because she was in the prison of her mind. She lived in the prison of fear. Her choice of friends were with people who would not highlight her cultural idiosyncrasies, example the foreigner, the Indian lady. She felt uncomfortable with people and kept to herself. She preferred your sister because you reminded her of herself even more and you were a mirror to herself. Her fear made her weak, so she reacted rather than make mature choices.. In fact most of her life she seemed to react to everything, and not realize that you had a life too. She wasn't evil just afraid. .The dentist was one of the manifestations of this fear. The fear of hospitals also was one. Empathy was lacking in her, so she never did much to help others if they were in hospital or needed to go to the dentists and then she’d send another person to stand in for her. She even left your aunt alone to die because she lived her life, a prisoner of fear. Her behavior resembles someone with AS.

Children of AS people are going to possess the traits of their parents, I suspect. Why do I say that? Because I study my own genealogy. My father had OCD. I wasn't raised with him. I found out from others. You say you have empathy and this is not holding with an AS diagnosis. You know that things go in a continuum, Some people with OCD are very messy and have problems with filthy houses. Some go to the other extreme. and are extremely neat and clean, all manifestations of the same disease.

Interesting enough when I am with other people I am always very outgoing warm, and friendly, but when I go home, I go into a state of AS symptoms where I don't speak to anyone but get lost in my own brain. As I get older my symptoms change. I read all kinds of books to find out what I am going through. In a book on schizophrenia, I read that a symptom of schizophrenia is the same for AS - loose association, altered affect, ambivalence, autistic. Lately I am so wrapped up in my brain that I do not engage with people outside of me and it is a shock to see how self involved I have become. This is what it is like to be autistic, I think to myself when I realize the intensity of my introversion, where the whole world disappears for a time. Then looking back I see the life long pattern I've had since I was baby, how I saw the world without interacting with strangers when they spoke to me. These were my mothers acquaintances and friends and she would always say, "she is unconcerned." I always felt apart from others, different, alone from the rest of the crowd. All my life, I go out to others and interact but I always come back to myself knowing I am not one of "them' I am by birth apart from them. It's just the way it is with some people. It is a good thing.

The gifted part of the population comes from this group of people. I consider this the price for this gift. Suffering is the price for the insights we have. From this group of people will come man"s progress into the inner world of man and the brain, the prophets and the wise men. It is the most important discovery for man and his ultimate search. I therefore feel that I have autistic traits. I like my gifts, I would not trade it for the world. Empathy is the reverse side of lack of emotions. Women have OCD a lot, men have autism a lot. Perhaps being a woman softens this aspect of this brain disorder. Empathy gene is probably affected perhaps with extreme sympathy or no sympathy. Something to think about. In some ways autistic people and OCD people are both self involved with their brain, hyperfocusing, and circular thinking that goes around and around and we block the world out, though in AS it is more extreme. We have more awareness of our disease in OCD however so we tread both worlds of the normals and the AS able to go into both worlds at will.


Dear Christine.

I have so much to share with you. I was born on May 9, 1957 on the little island of Trinidad, in the Caribbean. I was baptized Catholic and raised in a very Catholic environment. My mother was a strong woman, compulsive perfectionist. She did everything with a high standard of perfection, order and cleanliness. She was rigid in wanting those under her to live with her standard of perfection. There was only one right way to do something, her way. She was a good provider and took care of all our obvious needs. Looking back in my life, I realized that she was the person who has sacrificed for me the most, and how she has been always there for me when I failed, even to this day. She lives about 25 miles away. When I was six I went to live with my father's mother. She was a saint. Everybody who knew her had great respect for her. She was a devout Catholic who prayed all her waking hours as she went along doing her duties as postmistress of our village, going to Mass every morning after waking at a.m. and doing devotions during the day, and helping care for the church in our village.

My father and I never lived together because he and my mother was separated when I was growing up. But ever since I was a baby I was told I acted just like him. People who knew him when they met me they would chuckle and remark to my mother ho I acted just like my father, In adult life, I discovered my father had symptoms of OCD and remembering what I knew of him he had on OCD personality.

I responded to a couple early life experiences with great anxiety. But they went away. At three I experienced my first fear of annihilation, which was to come up many times again, enduring overwhelming pain throughout my life.

But until six I was lucky. I heard about hell and was sure I was going to go there. I thought I was bad and will suffer the eternal fires of hell, after my cousin mentioned it to me. She was just a child herself.

I have so much reason to hope, Christine. I have gone through a similar life to yours, but I see that my search is paying off and despair has given way to happiness for the first time in my life or at least in years, Why do I say that. In many ways in my heart I have died many times and never felt I could live again, but my life is becoming full of hope. I know the fight was worth it. No energy was wasted. Nothing I did in my life has not yielded a lesson or a fruit. Only regret I have is sleeping more than I should to escape depression. That was the only time I wasted, I believe. That does not mean I am not sorry for my sins. I only mean that I learnt what not to do through my failures. I see hope for those who search, but we must know where to search. I am learning to pilot my life now. I feel you will feel more hope than you feel now.

Have a nice day. Annette.


Dear Christine,

You do not understand how much your writings have helped me. I was searching like crazy for the pieces of the puzzle to bring my life together. For me, it was a life or death matter, because whatever this OCD is, it has a stranglehold on me, and I felt it would certainly in the end destroy me. When I read your writings, I finally began to see more clearly the picture. You are a person from a totally different part of the world, but our minds and thought processes are identical. I too married a person with AS traits, I too, joined a cult, I too left after an initiation ceremony. I too was hospitalized for severe OCD. My day goes like yours, and so I prefer to stay alone, because its too much to be with people all the time. I too read many books on religion and the like. You see how alike we are. I've gone through ninety percent of all the OCD you described. In reading your story I am finally begin to realize that the 'demon' is in my brain. If you saw the Wizard of Oz, you will see, that in the end the wizard is small but was pretending to be powerful. we give it its power by paying attention to it, and it can not hurt those we love, but if we let it, it can terrify us and drive us crazy. And it became clear to me that I will not die, nor my son, it was all the symptoms of a very severe disease, not having to do with what is outside of me. And whatever life brings, I am not afraid of death anymore. God will give me the strength to handle all my problems. Now keeping my courage up will be the battle now, because the fear comes back when I don't expect it. but I have more tools now to fight it. The terror is in my brain, and not in reality. And because of this realization I am closer to the cure than I've ever been.


Dear Christine,

How are you? I received your email today..

Does your dreams at night feel like OCD? I am beginning to see a connection between my neurosis and my negative dreams. They have a paranoid feeling about them as if something is trying to get me, in the day less intense and the night dreadful images surface. I feel hope now, that the fear is in me, not outside of me. I feel more control now, and that means a lot to me. I am not afraid anymore. I keep saying this to myself , trying to get in the habit of confronting my fears. This has helped me a lot.
The artwork that you put on your website is very well done. You certainly have a talent. Maybe you can tell me about how you do it. I followed your writings about your trips and vacations in rural England. I saw the photos, and thought about how wonderful it must be to be there. You are very fortunate to be able to go every year on a vacation in the town you mentioned. England has so may historical places, and I will like to see them one day. The photos are beautiful



Dear Christine,

How are you? I feel a lot of hope and I will like to share with you the good news. I borrowed a book from the library called Anatomy of Anorexia by Steven Levenkron. It was one of the most revealing book about my OCD that I have ever read. Let me make it clear it is not a book about OCD but a book on anorexia. After seeing a starved girl pictured on a magazine, and some body dysmorphic people on Oprah, I realized I was just like them, mainly in my delusions, except I did not take the cultural path of the body obsessions but the religious and health obsessions. I know at fifteen before I got my first severe OCD breakdown, I was trying the anorexia route but it was not part of my Trinidadian culture, so it did not take a hold on me. I know when I went on a protein diet, I lost a lot of weight. I could see the anorexia side of me coming out. I thought I was miserable, and that gaining weight might help my nerves was one of the reasons I stopped. But I could see how easily I could have become anorexic.

Now the good news. The book I mentioned above. I will have to purchase my own copy, maybe. He said that anorexia is caused by a lack of trust, that did not develop properly when a person was a child. Maybe because their mothers could not give it to them, because the mother had problems, or because the child was born with a sensitive nervous system, or maybe both. Either way the child has not learned to attach properly. So she turns inwards to parent herself. But the problem is the child is a child herself. So how does she parent herself. She tries to find a solution to her anxiety, say its losing weight, she trusts that diet and exercise are her only solutions for all the anxiety she has, so she loses weight every time she encounters anxiety, rather than turn to her parents for comfort. In my case I wash my hands, count numbers avoid certain things. In this way she develops a method to comfort herself, which she relies on every time she is anxious. Thin is the answer for everything. Nobody could reach her. She can trust no one. She trusts her infant rational to protect her. The way to help her is to send her back to that dependent state when she was a child, the therapist can do that, to teach her how to trust, that it is a safe world. The anorexic cannot trust and that is why she has developed this problem. The therapist must send her back home to Mother, usually she is under twenty-one in the book, and she must learn how to trust mother and mother must learn how to parent her. They must save her from her obsessions and compulsions. They must replace it with parental attachments, and detach her from turning inwards.

Anorexia is usually a lifelong problem, with very little recovery. Now I know when people get a sudden religious conversion to Jesus, why the prison of anxiety can fall away, it's because the unconditional love received, might heal them from the emptiness that some people carry around from childhood. This is my opinion. The thought comes to me sometimes.

The bottom line, one needs to learn to trust to overcome obsession compulsions, and if you did not learn it from your parents, you'd have to find some one to do it, like a parent. a therapists or some one with that position so you can learn to turn from inward self comfort like washing hands, etc, to attaching in a healthful way to a parent figure. This person will teach you when to stop and what is appropriate.

You are doing a good service to all OCD sufferers in your account of your disease, and one day you will see how many people your story has helped. You do not see it now, but like Samuel Johnson, your countryman, who could not see his contribution because of the smoke of battle, one day you will, see that your efforts counted for something and how many people you have helped, and that your life was for a great purpose, far beyond your comprehension. Please, let that life unfold, and trust it is for good. All good.

Sincerely, Annette



Dear Christine,

I am sorry to hear that your son might be suffering from orthorexia nervosa. Sometimes I also have a rigid eating health obsession, but I did not know that could be a disorder, but I see this pattern in other people I know. I am beginning to see that I have become a loner and turning inwards when I am under stress. I am going to change this pattern and try to reach out to others and share my life with them. It seems difficult to get good timely psychiatric care in the UK., In Boston where I was previously, they gave free help to those who could not afford it. It was on a weekly basis usually. And lots of research is done in Boston on OCD and Tourette Syndrome. Since coming to Central Florida, it's harder for me to receive help. But I realize that even the institutions have their limits, too. And in the end, situations in life can provide therapy if I look for them.

Does your arm hurt still? You are brave courageous soul to suffer on so many levels and still keep going. November is a dark month in the evenings, even in Florida. And with good people like you, you help the sun shine on a mental level for me Seasonal affective disorder affects us both. I bought some day spectrum lights a few years ago for use in Boston. I stayed away from processed sugar to keep my mood stable. Perhaps you could send me some tips on how you cope.

Anorexia nervosa is something that I have been studying now for the past few weeks, because it offers me the opportunity to see OCD objectively, because I do not direct suffer from its effects, but I have the same inner mental workings. To me, its OCD visible. The person does not see themselves as they are or as others see them, but have unrealistic images of what they should be. In the end anorexia takes over every thing. OCD is invisible in its ravages to the outside world and we hide it well, but it does the same thing. The anorexic wants to take control of her or his life, and in society that does not care, she or he feels some level of accomplishment in taking control her or his health, when everything else was out of control. It was something I could be proud of. In Anatomy of Anorexia, Mr Levenkron said that anorexic has zero identity. They do not feel they have identity, so when they find dieting works, they bond with it as though their life depends on it. To lose it, means they have nothing - that's how they feel. So they cling to it at all price. The therapist must make himself more attractive to the anorexic to pull him from going in to himself and show him how to trust another. The anorexic has taken his own counsel and listens to no others. In the end, it destroys because the counsel which is self comforting is immature and childish. This is what the book says and applies to anorexic and how they think.

Love, Annette.




Dear Christine,

How are you and your husband and son? I am feeling better. I think of you often knowing we are fighting the same battles, and learning from your writings. When I experience OCD, the experience is subjective, so it lacks objectivity, but when I read another sufferer's account then I see it more clearly, and things fall into perspective.

When Pope died John Paul 11 this year, I was going on a far different road. For years I was on the road of despair, and knew no way out, no matter what I tried. Around the time of his death, the Terri Schiavo story was big. It was taking place in Florida where I live. Being a Catholic, I was strongly aware that life which is sacred was being taken from a helpless woman who could not speak for herself, by a husband who was sleeping with another woman who had given him two children. I saw how her mother's unconditional love was trying to save her and was rebuffed at every turn. It broke my heart to see Mary Schiavo run desperately around knocking on every door to save her daughter and the coldness and cruelty of every heart that shut the doors to her pleas. In other areas, I saw the cruelty of the legal system in Florida for so many people. I saw innocent children, and people who had erred once, forever punished by the legal system, the law was becoming heartless towards all, especially the onetime offender.

Filled with despair about my own mental suffering, and the heartlessness around me, I was depressed. After about three and a half years of unending depression, with no hope for relief, I almost started to think that it would only get worse, though I wasn't going to give up trying to get better. When John Paul 11 died, I felt this will be the lowest point as the lights went out in the papal apartments. Who will fill the void in this dark world. I thought of all the great souls that had carried the light before and made the world a better place in the last twenty five years before. There was Mother Teresa who taught compassion for the poor, Princess Diana who highlighted the sufferings of the world’s poor, Sister Lucy of Fatima who had revealed to us the Fatima message, she had died about three weeks before. And now the pope who was concerned for all, he was gone. All the lights had gone out in the world, I thought.

But, just as it became darkest for me, I started to see the light. Pope John Paul 11 was being highlighted on CNN and the news media everywhere. People were celebrating a great life of someone who had brought light to everywhere on earth he could go to. I decided to see what this light was that he had spent his entire life for. What gave him so much hope while I was in such despair? I looked at his photos. Why was he smiling so radiantly when his life was far worse than mine? What was his secret? As I passed his picture on my kitchen table, I'll ask him why he was smiling in such a miserable dark world. And I knew it was that he had found Christ.
Then I thought I would study this man's life to see why he was who he was. This is what I found out. He was born in Poland on May 18, 1920, (there was an eclipse on the day he was born and in the prophecy of Malachi, he was foretold to be the Pope of the eclipse of the sun. Incidentally the day he was buried their was another solar eclipse in America where I live). His mother died when he was a child. So he took the Virgin Mary as his mother. His older brother died shortly after, and his Father died after. So he was all in his family that remained. The Nazi's invaded Poland and enslaved the people. Karol Wojtyla, his name before he became pope, was forced to go to the mines and dig for the Nazis and prevented from practicing his religion. He saw his Jewish friends killed. It was a dark time for Poland, and a dark time for Wojtyla. But he managed to hold onto his faith, and to form a theatrical group to perform the Polish classic plays. He went to an underground seminary where he was ordained a priest. He was ran over by a Nazi tank, and still survived. He made a special devotion to Our Lady of Czechtowska, Queen of Poland. He was strong and kept the flames of Christ's hope alive in his heart and those who tread the same path who met him when Poland was oppressed by the Nazis, and the rest of the world had forgotten them. There in the dark cold mines, enslaved by the Nazis, a light burned within him. He could have despaired, his family was all dead, he could not practice his religion openly, he had nothing but his faith and his theatrical group which was illegal. And yet he saw the demise of the Nazis.

The Communist soon came in and took over Poland. He could not practice his religion. He lived in a dark oppressive environment almost all his life, but did he know when he was in the was in the dark enslavement of those days when the Communists oppressed his nation and he could not freely practice his religion, that he would be the one responsible for the toppling of Communism. I believe that God used this man to topple Communism. The point of the story, is that Poland which is one of the most oppressed nation in Europe was the vehicle for the down fall of communism. Just so, we who are the most oppressed by OCD will be most instrumental in showing mankind the liberation of the mind, we are enslaved all our lives in the darkness of our minds. Our oppression is similar, and we often feel hopeless, but just before the dawn, it's always darkest. We the slaves of OCD, can rise up and say with the Pope, "Do not be afraid." The one thing that all enslavement have in common is 'fear'. Once we stop fearing the enemy it loses its power over us. Its precisely that we fear death that we get enslaved, because the enemy can threaten us with death or ourselves and those we love if we do not give in to its demands, and we go along to get some peace, but its not a true peace, and the enemy comes back asking for more. He is insatiable. Whole nations are enslaved.

OCD works the same way. Where there is fear the fuel for OCD is present. But I have learned to turn around bravely and face my fears and often what I see my fears melt away, and I do not die but I feel more alive. The I understood more clearly the resurrection of Christ, He had gone through the darkest moment of his life, death on a cross, and when it all seemed over, Christianity scored its greatest victory - Christ overcame death for all mankind. Man need not fear death anymore, for even though his body will die, the true Christian will not die. That explains why Jesus' death and resurrection was the beginning of the largest religion ever. That explains why John Paul seemed more alive now than when he was dead. When a Christian dies, his life begins, not all people but people who died in Christ. And that is why death had lost its sting. Study history, when the good die their lives seems to begin instead of end, and when we stop fearing death, then we begin to live. Christ brought victory over death. That is why the Pope was smiling in his pictures.

Ever since that realization, I seldom get depressed and I know that I need not fear anything on this earth and that I have been given the tools to fight in this warfare. I know that Christ would take care of me and that there is no burden on earth that I cannot bear, for either he will give me the strength or he would carry me, and if I am his basket case I am going to find peace there. I am fine with that. Looking back in my life I saw this to be true that He has never left me alone. So, though I still fall, I have to remind myself not to fear and turn around and look at my fears. It's an ongoing battle, but when I face my fears I get the victory. And that is why I feel better these days.

Christine, the fear of death is the problem. I think of you much, and I feel I have never ever met anyone on earth similar to in mind than you, That is why I feel so close to you. Goodbye, Christine.



Dear Christine,
I received both your letters and was very pleased to hear from you. How are you? I hope that you are better and not bothered by migraine and tension headaches. You write very well, in your letters and your writings. Did it go well with your son at his appointment for benefits? I hope so. I read your November blog and enjoyed reading it, as usual.

The noise can drive people crazy, and sometimes when the man upstairs apartment plays his loud crazy music, I put on my own music to mask his. How about some recording of thunderstorm or ocean waves while you sleep to relax you and mask the incessant noise. At first when I saw your artwork on your website, I believe it was a scene in a field in Glastonbury, I had to look several times to see if it was a photograph. It is so well done, you are a talented artist, and I wonder why you are always putting yourself down, since you are an excellent writer and your crafts are excellent. We cannot be good judges of ourselves since saints called themselves abject sinners and evil people tend to see themselves as good. Strange, isn't it?

There are many good people in the world, I believe, and they all make up points of light. My mother once said that there is evil the world but there is more good. I take comfort from what she said. My point with Mother Teresa, John Paul 11 and Diana is that they were world renowned celebrity who stood for life and the poor. But I search my mind for persons who could fill their shoes with such celebrity and goodness, and is known worldwide. I think Benedict IV fits this. Perhaps you could come up with some. I was browsing in the bookstore about two years ago, when I came across a book, I am not even sure what the name was, and there was a picture of a lady prematurely wrinkled, it seemed and not too attractive, but she looked happy, and she said that all her life she was miserable, but one day after many years, she woke up in the morning and she was happy. She said that she stopped struggling with the way she wanted things to be, and simply shifted to accepting things the way it is and she was happy. The book might be called "The Way It Is." I didn't buy the book, but I went home thinking about the seed she had planted in my mind. And for about two years I've thought about it. OCD seems to struggle with the way things are, we want it perfect, we want it lineal, we want the world sterile, we want the world ideal and perfect for all creatures, we want our unruly thoughts to behave, we want to make God in our own image and likeness. We want to the world to be black and white. We want safety, security and no risk, a guarantee for every thing. We fear disorder, we fear the darkness within ourselves. But the world is not so. It's many shades of grey, the rain and the waterfalls fall with passion and care not about perfectionism.

When we love, as soon as we feel the excitement, we are terrified of the dark shadows they cast. We fear we would lose those we love. Thus whenever we love, misery follows. But, I've come to the conclusion that the shadow is neutral and harmless, and that anything that is in light, will cast a shadow. I have observed this in nature, and it seems to be true in me also. I am not saying that all love is good or all light is good, but whatever love or light that comes in our lives be it good or bad, brings it shadow.
I am learning not to fear the shadow anymore, since I think its neutral but to just accept it the way it is. I accept people for what they are, the world for what it is. But the hardest thing to do is to accept myself, my evil impulses, my disorderly thoughts, my craziness. I spend lots of energy fighting and suppressing it, but I am trying to learn to flow with the way things are, for the world was that way before I came into it. My mind has its own laws. And it has nothing to do with my will. I never act on my dark side that haunts me twenty-four hours a day. It's just simply the dark side of me. It's just the way it is. It's there, but I choose good. Finding out what is takes my whole life, because my perceptions get in the way, but I try not to recreate the world in my own image and likeness.

I will think about contributing to your website if it might help others, and if you see a piece that might help others let me know, and you can use it.

Your son is struggling with orthorexia you told me. It seems that we are all doing the same battle, different expressions, but all fear based. we are afraid to die, and our illness is an attempt to ward of death.

Maybe orthorexia is fear of death, and anorexia is fear of the loss of love. We fear the loss of love, so anorectic people get on the treadmill to hold on to love, and they cannot get off. If we lose love, we will be nothing, we fear.
So we go around and around, we don't know how to let go.
I am not going to fear death anymore, because it feeds my disease. In this journey of life, I don't know what lies around the corner, but I am going to flow with it, and trust it.
Christine, be kind to yourself and keep up the good artwork and your blog, I enjoy them both. Your life has been an inspiration to me and I will re-read it again for there are many lessons to learn from your account.
Love, Annette
 

Dear Christine,  

How are you? I hope you all are feeling better after that bug.
I am sorry that things did not go so well as you hoped with the therapist. I know you did your best to comply but it seems as though the therapist was not so straightforward with you. I know you have been waiting a long time for this opportunity. I can't understand why they don't take you as a person in need of help. Why do you have to jump through so many hoops before you get the help you need? Don't give up however, I am sure there is something you can do so they can give you CBT. I think it will be helpful.

I am glad that Kevin is getting out there and going out with his friend. It's a good start and he may soon expand to other things.

I try my best to socialize with my neighbors and have gotten better at it lately. My tendency is to be reclusive and to run from others, but I force myself to talk to others and to greet others, especially at my apartment complex. It makes them happy and I hopefully am a better person because of it.

I have made a most important discovery about my condition. I feel my problem has something to do with control. The more I try to control my thoughts or external surroundings the less control I have. I noticed this years ago, but did not have a clue how to change this pattern. I notice the more I try to control things around me, the less control I had. Gradually, I discovered it was a word problem. My gift of words and my readiness to produce the right word worked well in literature and in school but was a handicap in my life. It actually got in the way and caused me terrible problems. Sometimes, I think that was the problem with Samuel Johnson who wrote the first English dictionary, (no disrespect to this great sage and genius who contributed much to the world). He was a genius at writing and at learning but in day to day living he was challenged. The more I dictated to myself how each thing should proceed in my life, the worse things got. Even the uneducated seem to do better than I in ordinary things. Then I realized that I had to remain calm, silent and disciplined. Even more so, I had to learn to trust God, to trust life and to trust that things would work out without me being anxious. I had to learn not to anticipate what will happen next. I am still learning how to relax and let go. It's something that I work at all the time. When I try to control I lose control. How is that? Aren't I trying to take responsibility? Then I discovered that for things to work out I simply let go. Each moment presented its own challenges and revealed its own answers, all I had to do was dance with it. The old people say 'go with the flow' or the seasoned person says 'roll with the punches'. It's something I practice until I get right. So far it has worked on my OCD better than anything else I have tried so far. I let go, I let God.

The harder I work at control the less I have. Let go, let God.

Christine, I know things will get better. There is much that can be done for OCD. It's okay to make mistakes as you walk along the path, that's how we learn. Don't forget to let the child in you come out. You weren't born with OCD, and there is a part of you that is free. Let her enjoy life.

Dear Christine, 

How are you? I received your e-mail safely. I am sorry about the great difficulty you have in obtaining CBT in the UK. The answer to most of life's problems, though hard to practice is simple. We have to face our fears and talk ourselves gently through it. This is what CBT is all about, or almost all OCD therapy is all about. Except you have to carry your own therapist within you, when there is no one available for you. There is only one bridge to cross to overcome OCD. It's our fear of death, and even worse the fear of death of those we love. And the only way to cross it is accept that we can die and those we love can die, and know we can be okay with that. When we accept our mortality and that those we love can die, then we can begin to live our lives freely. Acceptance of death is the main thing. That is what I mean by crossing that bridge. Until then we can be held hostage by each passing fear that blackmails us into OCD rituals, or make us hide in our homes in terror.

I have problems with eye contact. But interestingly enough, acceptance is the solution also for eye contact for me. When I fight my shy nature, I have more problems with eye contact. When I accept my fears and shyness, I am more likely to act more comfortably with people. When I try to be something I am not, the shy self trips me and causes me to blink and develop a nervous tic. So I have learned to accept my shy self. I also accept my broken self totally, my imperfect self also, and the parts of me that I feel unacceptable. When I accept myself totally, then I feel more relaxed with other people and I am more likely to be amiable and gracious. I also like talking to young children because they seem to be more close to God, after all they have just left Him, and are not yet spoiled by the world, their unselfconsciousness, their freedom, and they are not self aware as yet. They just express love without restraint.

Princess Diana is one of my role models. I think she was just like us in her shyness. She too looked at others with shyness. But she did what has she had to do and loved others anyway. So I always follow her as an example. And you know what, the public found Diana to be disarming and lovable and charming. This is because she took her shy nature and loved anyway and not many people could claim the hearts of others as Diana.

I read somewhere that autistic people were found under MRI to have smaller amygdala. As you may already know, the amygdala is a part of the brain found in the limbic system, where intense emotions and fear are processed. They found in autistic children at the age of four the amygdala is unusually large. But by thirteen it has shrunken to smaller than the average size. They were observing that autistic people when having eye contact the amygdala lit up, in normal subjects it did not. Did this constant arousal of fear shrink the amygdala? Interestingly enough, I found these studies published on the Internet.

Dear Christine,

I received you e-mail safely.  How are you?  I hope well.  Reading through your e-mail I come up against one theme over and over again.  You are always taking on the weight of the world on your shoulder, the weight of your family, your son, the suffering animals, every life form no matter how small.  You go easily into the past or the future without realizing how much you are burdening your mind.  You cannot carry the weight of the world on your shoulder.  That's God's business.  We have to stay in our own business.  What's our own business?  The moment we live in.  When you wash dishes, you wash your dishes.  But in OCD you say that intrusive thoughts tells you you will harm others if you don't do certain rituals or say certain things certain amount of times.   The immune system can handle many germs. Your problem is to do the dishes in a commonsense way, and disregard the bad thoughts.  You listen and follow the compulsions and you'll never get better. Never.  Our ancestors have lived with all kinds of germs and have built up resistance which they handed down to us.  Our ancestors lived close to the earth.  Country people are some of the healthiest, hardiest people you'd meet.  Personlly, I'd rather suffer in reality rather than go through the slavery of OCD again.  I rather have real pain of diarrhoea made by error than live a slave to OCD.  And you know what, every time I take risks to be average and imperfect, I don't get sick, I get better and stronger.  I get OCD thoughts often but I usually challenge them and try to replace them with healthy habits.

To get back to what I am saying, we can't worry about the suffering of the sheep in the countryside without doing something about it, or else you'll soon become depressed.  Let's say you went to the countryside to have a good time, and you see some sheep in the cold suffering and looking miserable, helpless without choice and you feel for them.  That might ruin your whole day.  But, you're not God.  You probably can't solve that problem.  But as one person, you could write some one who could do something about it, like what you do with your petition on the Internet, you can pray for the sheep.  You can do work with an organization that cares about cruelty to animals.  I know you already do these things.  Set aside some time to do just that.  Then after, shift to something pleasant that you enjoy like nature or art.  Don't stay in that sad zone too long or else it will drag you down.  When you are sad, just do purposeful activity to alleviate the animal's plight, or else the energy you're expending worrying will drag you down.  If you are worrying beyond a specified worry time you are doing something wrong.  Worry never solves anything.

The only thing to worry about is what's at hand.  Pick up that socks, just once, no ritual.  You are strong.  You will not die.  Put one foot in front of the next.  Resist the urge to clean. If you are worrying about the past or the future, you are not living your life now.  I am so small that I deliberately break most things up into the smallest unit before I tackle it. I do one small thing at a time and I learn to look for the joy in it.  When I fall,  I get up and try something small again, and doing small things I make my way in this world.  Thank God, life flows in moments, that way I can do small things  and I rest whenever I need.  And, I feel  I get victory just taking small steps.

Stop worrying about things beyond your control, give a little comfort here, a kind smile there, a small  prayer here, a kind act there, a volunteer project there as you do on the Internet, little kind acts along the way, and let God do the rest.

These are just suggestions that has helped me, please use only what you like.

Feel free to use anything that I write to you for publication or whatever you feel you need it for.  Like you I want to help fellow sufferers.

Dear Christine,

I am very careful what words I put into my head .  What ever we say to ourselves we carry on as though it's true, even if it's not.

The first time I saw the  Wizard of Oz, I did not really think much about it, just a lot of characters and costumed figures dancing.  But later on I came to see there was a deep moral to the story and many lessons hidden in it.  It has become the story of psychiatry.  Did you see the movie?  It starts off with Dorothy who lives in Kansas.  A tornado transports her to the land of Oz.  She meets the good witch, Glenda who gives her a pair of red slippers.  All Dorothy wants to do is go home.  So she sets out on a journey to find the way home.  Like people with OCD who has lost their way, she's trying to came back home. She meets the scarecrow, who wants a brain.  He'll be happy if he only has a brain.  He goes on to describe all the great feats he'll accomplish if he only had a brain.  When I was looking at the movie, recently, I realized with all the big words he was using that he already had a brain.  She meets the tin man who wants a heart, but by  the way he related to others he also had a heart, but he did not know that.  He joins the journey.  Then they meet the cowardly lion.  Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the forest.  But this lion acts like a scaredy-cat.  He too joins the journey to find his goal.  They are all going to Oz to find the answers.  The wizard of Oz, they are told, has all the answers.  They finally get to Oz.The wizard of Oz hides behind a curtain and makes a big display of his power. Dorothy and the others trembled at his booming voice and the magic effects he created.  He makes demands on them before he would give them what they want.  But towards the end Dorothy's dog, Todo, pulls the curtain aside to reveal an impotent man who has no powers at all. The wizard is impotent and he rules from lies.  But before the story ends, he gives the scarecrow a diploma and tells him with this paper he will be able to be as brainy as he wants.  He gave the scarecrow permission to be what he already was. He gave the tin man a document  showing him as a philanthropist, allowing the tin man to express his love.  But the love was there all the time.  He gave the lion courage by giving him a purple heart medal and set him to rule Oz with the tin man and the scarecrow.  But the lion was already king of the jungle and had that power within him.

The wizard who was from earth set to return there in a balloon with Dorothy, but a wind blew the balloon and Dorothy was left in Oz much to her dismay.  At the moment of despair, the good witch appears to Dorothy and tells her that all she has to do to go home is click the slippers and say I want to go home.  But if it was so easy why didn't you tell me before, Dorothy asked.  The good witch Glenda simply said,  "You won't have believed me."

It was that simple.  She could have left Oz at anytime without going the long arduous journey if she had only believe she could.

Oz has come to represent for some the land of mental illness.  We can come back to health once we realize we have courage to fight our terror,  the heart to leave our shells and love others and allow ourselves to be loved,  and the brain to reach my objectives in spite of the setbacks I have had in the past.  Isn't that what OCD is all about  -  inability to get your brain to work for you.  I realized I had faced all the problems of the four main characters big time.  I  am learning courage,  I am in charge of my emotions.  I am learning about heart,  I learn to greet people whenever I see them and open myself to love.  It's a day to day practice.  I am learning to accept my brain as it is, and live a whole life with it.  And like Dorothy I want to go home (to health and my true self is my version of home}.  And I get their by believing I could do it.  But the big lesson in this for me, was that the powers of OCD and the fear of death is powerless over me.  The wizard of Oz was all threats and demands but when he was revealed he was impotent.  OCD is all threats and no substance.

We have all we need to live our lives.  We must give ourselves permission to do it now.

If you think about all your OCD problems and you don't dwell on the good things of your life, you will make yourself miserable.  You have a very wonderful life but you don't see it, because you're focusing on the negative.  So your mind is doing exactly what you tell it to do - look for the germs, the danger, the disease.  You are not looking for the good in the situation.  You have a lot to be thankful for, at least a thousand things and more, but you are always focusing on the problems, so there is very little room left for joy in your life.  Your faithful brain, like a computer, has done everything you have programmed it to do.  Start being nice to yourself and thanking God for everything you have.  No complaints, just say only thank you for just one day and I guarantee you that at the end of the day you will feel better.

Spring is coming up this month and I know that the country side will be budding with flowers and trees will start to turn green, the birds will be singing more, and the weather will get warmer.  You have so much of warm days to look forward to.

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